The Human Centipod

In an episode that will go down in history as being one of many podcasts, John finds himself in the lap of luxury at the Mandarin Oriental, where he's treated to an extravagant tea experience, but also gets to say the word “Oriental” without getting cancelled. Next, Carmen and John dive into the chaos of recent world events, observing how Gen Z is now facing the music of cancel culture. The very same monster that the Zoomers created is now destroying them. Fun! It's not like nobody predicted that would happen. The dyslexic duo also serves up double the entertainment with not one, but two movie reviews. First up, they dissect the French-German-Probably Something Else thriller, "Anatomy of a Fall," praising a child actor's performance (though in reality he’s probably 35). Then, these two beautiful hosts come very late to the party as they unravel the mysteries of the "Everybody Loves Raymond" finale from 2005. Will you, the listener, decode the hidden meaning behind the sitcom's iconic conclusion and its connection to this podcast? Only time - or a really good fortune teller - will tell.

This episode is packed with more twists than a pretzel seller at a contortionist convention. That’s right, it’s an all-movie review spectacular as Carmen and John climb the cinematic mountain of "Society of the Snow" from Spain—a film so gripping, it has John gripping himself most of the time, while Carmen contemplates which parts of John to eat last (unsurprisingly, the b-hole is on that list). Then, hold onto your 13-year-old junk as the duo tackles "May/December," a movie so scandalous even AI refuses to write a synopsis of it! This all somehow elegantly leads to Carmen and John's inspiring banter about the Oscars, diversity, and the odor of modern storytelling. Believe me when I say, this is an episode you won’t want to listen to! I mean, uh, miss.

This week’s guest, Evan Waite - one of John’s buddies and humor-writing heroes, as well as the brains behind the forthcoming book "Life Wants You Dead” - spills the comedic beans on his journey from English teacher in China to the illustrious ranks of Fox's "Family Guy." Brace yourself for laughs (or at least, discussions about laughs) as Evan explains navigating the tricky terrain of writing for TV versus print, offering insights into the mysterious art of making people snort through their noses. From Emmy-nominated escapades on "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt" to an award-winning conquest with Adult Swim’s "Three Busy Debras," you’ll want to tune in as he unveils the secrets of comedy and confesses just how many cups of coffee it takes to make the magic happen.

Carmen and John take an unexpected detour into the world of Princess Diana and manage to crash and burn the conversation in a tunnel just like Lady Dead did. Then it’s time for the duo to unpack some famous urban legends. But the highlight is Carmen's scatterbrained adventure throughout the episode which takes center stage as she hilariously struggles to focus amidst a chaotic symphony of medication side effects. From royal revelations to questionable urban tales, this episode is a paparazzi chase through lower London that ends with…oh wait, we did that metaphor already. Well, if “The Crown” can regurgitate that dead hussy for money, so can Carmen and John.

John tells Carmen about crashing at his fat, wealthy aunt's mansion, only to discover the pool is a no-go zone thanks to a broken cage and lurking gators. Then Carmen and John dive into some serious "First World problems" at Disney World as they whine about their dumb park reservations system and their new and very confusing "Genie Plus" system. But they have high praise for Bidenomics. As if that wasn't enough, Carmen regresses into childhood antics, and the duo dishes for literally 9 seconds on the Claudine Gay scandal. Lucky you!

It’s another Christmas special and John gets into the holiday spirit by delivering a spirited rant about the audience's duty to listen to Carmen’s new comedy specials. Meanwhile, the duo hilariously pretend (hilarious to just them) that they’ve already been to Disney World, dropping a sly hint about an upcoming episode that spills the real rollercoaster details. Amidst the festive chaos, John regales Carmen in a personal story about an uncle who got little Johnny drunk on eggnog when he was five. But the yuletide surprises don't end there as Carmen gifts John with Global Entry, leaving him utterly clueless about what it even means. (Hint: it has nothing to do with anal entry). Oh and the XXX in the title refers to talk of pornographic comics. Lots of them.

Carmen and John dissect the chaos that is John with Covid (his second bout since the PLANdemic began, am I right, nut jobs?). They share sickness anecdotes that teeter between amusing and, well…not amusing. The hosts then engage in an epic showdown of Podcast John vs. Podcast Carmen, unleashing a competitive banter that might just redefine podcasting rivalries. But doesn’t. Carmen then spills more beans on her recent comedy special release, and the duo dives deep into the turbulent waters of fame versus non-fame, pondering the merits of recognition in the comedy world without making it too ponderous. To cap it off, they share their riveting take on the thrilling Netflix masterpiece, "Leave the World Behind," promising listeners a cinematic rollercoaster of yawns and death.

Carmen and John dive groin-first into the bizarre world of Beetlejuice, leaving Carmen questioning her life choices since she had never seen the iconic film before (she's seen her groin TOO much, however). As they navigate the spooky antics of the afterlife, the duo takes an unexpected turn to chat about the elusive "Golden Bachelor," a show John not only hasn't seen, but wishes to assassinate. Oh, if only shows could be murdered! Amidst discussions about Sandra Day O'Connor's going to the great big bench in the sky (Hell has a sky, right?), the hosts manage to make up new songs nobody asked for. To wrap things up, they delve into their friend, Adrienne Iapalucci's new comedy special taping, describing it as dark and delicious—like biting into a chocolate bar that gives you an instant mouth orgasm.

Carmen spills the beans about the Annette Benning movie “Nyad" (SPOILER ALERT: In real life, Diane Nyad today resembles the dashing Roger Daltrey). The duo also discusses Carmen's desperate attempts to score spots on Spanish podcasts to promote her Spanish special. [BTW, Carmen’s English special “Queef Week” is available on Mark Normand’s YouTube channel @MarkNormand!] Then Carmen recounts her latest Mel Robbins lesson and John dives into the Spiderverse movie so, yes, there are TWO movie reviews in this episode. ANOTHER BTW, Carmen had to bail mid-Spiderverse due to an unexpected disco inferno of flashing lights which started to “Mary Hart” her brain (all is explained when you listen, so listen).

Carmen and John dive into "The Blackening" with a movie review (as opposed to, you know, a restaurant review) that asks the burning question: Could white people write this film? The answer? A perplexing mix of yes and no that will leave you feeling less racist. Then John reveals his wild dream (starring “Barbra Streisand”) which Carmen is convinced was an omen for John’s acting career. Also, hey…do you like dandruff? No? How about if it comes from a beard? Yes?! Well, then you’re going to love the FLAKY discussion the duo has about John's recent adventures on his face. It’s cinema, dreams, and skincare gone hilariously wrong on everyone’s favorite podcast! Oh, and lots of delusion, too!