Beer is joining eggs, we're not supposed to buy anything today, a Jersey massage parlor owner has the worst name ever and we all eat trash!

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Denny's is on that egg surcharge train, over half of us think porn should stop when things get serious, we don't trust self-driving vehicles and Wingstop is getting crispier!

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Joanne Fabrics is dunzo, two weeks without your phone is going to make things all better, egg smuggling is a thing, one night of bad sleep can make you sick  and Lester Holt is hanging it up!

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We use loads of space for golf courses, there is a new, even better weight loss drug on the market, the flu is going to kill us all, DQ has a new jam and a classic is back at Arby's!

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7Up has a new jam, we may be giving the chickens vaccines, Hooters is going belly up and Ketamine is up, way up!!

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Panera has a new sammich nobody asked for, we have an OnlyFans beef, using punctuation could start a fight, an asteroid is going to smoke us all and half of dudes have never asked a woman out in person!

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Cap'n Crunch has Summer plans, Google Pixel user accidentally sends his nudes, Coke has the probiotics, Applebee's is up and a Baltimore Raven is down!

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Some college thinks we're morning people, the polar vortex is working overtime this week, get your kid off the caffeine and dance your way to better health!

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Today we celebrate batteries, a new Dew flavor is coming our way, food is way up, so are weed drinks (NOT HERE THOUGH) and a tourist overseas takes her last selfie. 

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Things are terrible in SoCal, Ozempic is killing the booze game, Valentine's Day was good for couples, snow blowing sucks and used cars are gonna stay high.

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