2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

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This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer check in from the road, with Tom in Atlanta and Bert in Philly on his Permission to Party World Tour. The Bears debate whether they'll watch the Pentagon's livestreamed firing squad execution of the Fort Hood shooter, then dig into the SiriusXM Raw Dog Radio shakeup that had comics coming after Sebastian Maniscalco, and how one video turned into Bert starting a comedians union (Leanne is handling it). From there, Bert swears he'll die with his beard, finally tells Tom about the shot in Bad Thoughts season two he can't believe made the cut, and gets fired up over hood horse racing in Mississippi. Plus: Mike Ditka's one-take steakhouse commercial, Michael Jordan finding his lost championship rings in a forgotten safe, Chamillionaire's $25,000 autograph, Barry Sanders and The Fridge, and Tom getting pitched hair transplants.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 343

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00:00:00 - Intro

00:06:15 - Should You Watch The Fort Hood Shooter's Execution?

00:12:14 - Black Horse Racing & Sprinting On A Horse

00:19:31 - Bert Will Die With This Beard & The Bad Thoughts Shot

00:24:52 - SiriusXM, Raw Dog Radio, & The Sebastian Maniscalco Backlash

00:35:19 - Bert's Comedians Union

00:41:25 - Spam Calls & Mike Ditka's One-Take Commercial

00:46:34 - Michael Jordan's Lost Championship Rings

00:56:52 - Barry Sanders, The Fridge, & Elway's Two-Minute Drill

01:03:07 - Tommy Time & Wrap Up

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This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer call in from opposite ends of the map: Tom on a day off from his movie in Atlanta, Bert from Cleveland's Rocket Mortgage arena. Bert pulls up old Hollywood stars next to today's to prove Tom belongs in Cocoon, and Tom fires back that Bert looks like ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag. Then Bert drags in an arena worker to vouch for his looks, and she guesses Tom is 45. From there, the Bears lock in a bench press push-up challenge, Bert asks Claude who he should support between Israel and Palestine, before he finally admits to needing a seatbelt extender. They also get into Zach Bryan's Free Palestine shirt at Gillette Stadium, Ari Emanuel's memoir Roll the Calls, Bert's brutal gum surgery, Tom Cruise's Digger, and Tom introducing Bert to the cinematic universe of Quan Millz.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 342

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00:00:00 - Intro

00:04:09 - Football, The Metric System, & Catching Strays

00:09:13 - Tom Belongs In Cocoon

00:16:07 - One-Drink Bert & The Bench Press Push-Up Challenge

00:28:11 - Club Runs, Zach Bryan, & The Pillow Debate

00:33:20 - Goodwill Listening & The Gillette Stadium Beef

00:37:15 - Bert Asks Claude To Pick A Side

00:44:10 - "Do You Need Readers, Ma'am?"

00:46:58 - Pretty Privilege & Bert's Seatbelt Extender

00:50:31 - Ari Emanuel's Memoir & The Quan Millz Universe

00:58:24 - Animating Bert's Dreams & Tom Cruise's Digger

01:05:23 - Oppenheimer On A Phone & Wrap Up

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Presale tickets for Toms new tour Preposterous go live September 30th at 10am. Make sure to get yours over at https://tomsegura.com/tour and use code: TOMMY

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This week, Tom is off somewhere, so Bert Kreischer is joined by the legendary Rob Lowe, back in the Cave to talk about his new movie The Musical, the Sundance comedy with a twist so audacious the big distributors were too scared to buy it, now playing in theaters. Rob breaks down the 18-day shoot, the moment that makes audiences gasp, and why a small theatrical run still beats a mystery streaming "hit." From there, the two get into learning stick on La Cienega, LeeAnn's endless story recaps, Tom Cruise pulling his own tooth for The Outsiders, and Paul Newman's legendary hangs. Bert opens up about his Free Bert season two meltdown and the night he forgot how to yawn, Rob shares what 36 years of sobriety taught him, and they pitch the ultimate Netflix show: 24 Hours with Rob & Bert, starring Mark Wahlberg as Dirk Diggler. Plus: Usher's house tour, Bryson DeChambeau's eagle, and the national anthem bit.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 341

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00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:39 - Skinny Bert & Driving Stick On La Cienega

00:10:43 - Bert Doesn't Listen & The Cousin Who Can't Eat Anything With A Hoof

00:23:54 - Tom Cruise Pulled His Own Tooth & Butch Cassidy Cool

00:32:05 - The Musical & The Twist Nobody Would Buy

00:48:40 - The Night Bert Couldn't Yawn

00:54:54 - Measured Drinking & Rob's 36 Years Sobriety

01:00:37 - Paul Newman

01:05:43 - Rob's Headshot Composites & Growing Up Before Phones

01:11:15 - Timothée Chalamet, Press Tours, & Tom Cruise's Perfect Day

01:20:22 - Mark Wahlberg's 4AM Club & Bryson DeChambeau's Eagle

01:32:11 - Stunt Flying With Tom Cruise & & The National Anthem Bit

01:41:58 - Humble Sons & Usher's Netflix House Tour

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This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are on separate sides of the country, but still together in our hearts. Tom's about to film a movie and Bert's been running his takes through ChatGPT before he says them out loud, which still doesn't stop LeeAnn and his daughters from destroying him over The Pastor's Wife. Bert explains how Last Comic Standing edited him into the villain, and how much public misrepresentation a person should take before they swing back; Michael Jackson, Shane Gillis, Johnny Depp, Joe Rogan, and Bert's "how many bees until you start swatting" theory. From there, Bert delivers the two greatest analogies of his life, Tom demands the production Bible for Tenet to understand it better, and Bert turns his garage door into a guillotine. They also get into Kyle Forgeard of Nelk Boys running seven marathons in seven days, Bert's daughters hijacking his couples therapy to tell the therapist he only feels emasculated at Lowe's, and Bert's case that Raygun should have won the gold medal and that Jackson Pollock was a shill.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 340

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00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:38 - ChatGPT Approved Takes & Death Of The Pastor's Wife

00:07:17 - How Many Bees Until You Start Swatting? + Purple Doritos

00:15:02 - Tom's Movie Beard & Revisiting Tenet

00:28:44 - 365 One-Minute Episodes & Bryson DeChambeau's Hole In One

00:34:08 - Mountain Dew Sizzle

00:38:01 - Football Segue

00:39:19 - Kyle Forgeard's Seven Marathons & Andrew Schulz's Miami Era

00:43:50 - Bert's Tom Impression & Couples Therapy With The Girls

00:51:03 - The Honey Deuce & Bert's Return To Drinking

00:56:16 - What Olympic Sport Could You Actually Get Good At?

01:02:50 - Raygun Deserved The Gold & Jackson Pollock Was A Shill

01:12:15 - Wrap Up

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Check out Hoop and Huddle, YMH Studios' new comedy sports show, hosted by comedians Luke Touma & Nate Marshall. Two friends talking basketball, football, and whatever ruined their weekend. Less "analysts breaks down the tape," more "your boys yelling at the TV." https://www.youtube.com/@UCdaQbXFKAuvKcZcwieo8A6A

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Welcome back to the cave! Hunter Biden says he's 48% gay, which raises the only question that matters: what percent are you? Bert and Tom build the math from zero, clothes, dicks, physiques, saunas, eye patches, a $5,000 face laser, and Bert climbs a lot higher than he expected to.

Along the way: why Bert can't watch Sophie Cunningham highlights, the uncomfortable truth about loving Jason Williams, John Stockton's total lack of pizzazz, the hunt for a white DB in the NFL, Bert calling his dad mid-episode to check the family for slave owners (Tom's family does not come out clean), Bert's sister telling him to grow up about his sleep anxiety, Ila volunteering to fight Tom's ten-year-old in the Octagon, the 2:30am Dodger Stadium aftermath, a device that grades your poop, and Bert's full-throated defense of the Philadelphia Eagles' male cheerleader.

Plus: this week's Mountain Dew summer sizzle submissions, including one that requires $2.6 million of CGI and one that just shuts Bert up.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 339

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In Partnership with DraftKings. The Crown Is Yours. Bet with DK Sportsbook: Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-426-2537, 1-800-697-3738. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://ccpg.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. 21+. Void in Canada. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Availability varies. Bet to get Bonus bets that expire in 7 days. Trade to get $50 in Predictions Dollars that expire in 1 year, issued every 7 days via click to claim for 21 days. 1 non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Predictions offer void in New York. Ends July 19th. Terms at https://dkng.co/audio.

00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:14 - Hunter Biden Says He's 48% Gay

00:06:23 - Clip Farms, Sophie Cunningham, & Jason Williams

00:15:32 - John Stockton, White Boxers & Tim Dwight

00:29:23 - California's Slavery Bill & Bert Calls His Dad

00:34:41 - The Girlfriend, The Sister, & The Fight Challenge

00:42:34 - The Dodgers Game Aftermath & A Whoop For Your Toilet

00:46:11 - Male Cheerleaders, Female Urologists, & Checking Out Men

00:52:38 - Hiding From Lightning With A Grindr Meetup

00:59:05 - Comedian OnlyFans & Ohtani's $17 Million Translator

01:05:44 - Mountain Dew Summer Sizzle Submissions

01:11:34 - Wrap Up

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Welcome back to 2 Bears 1 Cave! This week Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer dive right in with Jelly Roll's headline-grabbing Kimmel monologue where he addressed the president as "from one fat pig to another." Bert then takes full credit for Jelly Roll's weight loss and the entire genesis of the Two Bears 5K, because technically he was in the room when that casually became a thing. They also have exciting news, a new 5K is coming in April and it's going to be bigger than ever.

From there, Bert opens up about the panic attacks he's been having, severe, physical, and rooted in something he now understands: a complete lack of childhood bedtime structure. Tom grew up getting nightly Catholic prayers, a sign of the cross from mom, and the full rosary in the car for any trip over ten minutes. Bert grew up watching Letterman alone at nine years old at 3am while his dad slept off a ten mile run. The bears compare notes on childhood bedtime routines, how they each put their own kids down now, and what sleep anxiety looks like when it hits a grown adult, including Bert's most recent 36-hour panic attack that started when a friend told him he yawns too much and he forgot how to do it. He couldn't yawn for a day and a half. He finally yawned in couples therapy. That's where we are.

They also get into Mel Gibson getting lightly canceled for mocking a sign language interpreter (on the scale of Mel Gibson incidents, this doesn't even register), a game of complimenting Salma Hayek on the one thing she's never heard in her 60 years on earth, Tom Hardy's new rap album, Jonah Hill's white belt jiu jitsu bravado and whether he'd actually beat Jason Bateman's ass, the Eddie Bravo black eye that made Bert walk out of a jiu jitsu class without ever taking his jeans off, and the Times Square Stabber whose fat padding made every taser completely ineffective and whose stabbing motion made this incident appear beyond ridiculous at first.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 338

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Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-426-2537, 1-800-697-3738. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://CCPG.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. Twenty one plus. Void in Canada. Bet with DraftKings Sportsbook to get Bonus bets that expire in seven days OR Trade with DraftKings Predictions to get Predictions Dollars that expire in one year. Event contract trading involves risk of loss. Predictions offer void in New York. Non-withdrawable Rewards issued as Fifty dollar click-to-claims every seven days for twenty-one days. Terms at https://dkng.co/offer. Limited time offer. Nationwide based on Sportsbook, Predictions, and Free-to-Play Sports Contest availability. Varies by State.

00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:18 - Jelly Roll Called Trump A Fat Pig on Kimmel

00:15:49 - Mel Gibson's Sign Language Incident & Cancel Culture

00:22:32 - Childhood Bedtimes & Panic Attacks

00:33:38 - Putting Kids to Bed & Bert's Sleep Anxiety Deep Dive

00:41:44 - Bert Forgot How to Yawn and Had a 36-Hour Panic Attack

00:51:25 - Salma Hayek At 60

00:55:47 - Tom Hardy's Album, Shapeshifters & Jonah Hill's White Belt Energy

01:05:56 - The Times Square Waddling Stabber

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Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are back in the cave and surprise surprise, Bert opens with a confession: he wishes he'd never quit drinking. What follows is a full inventory of the modern male brain, the online pastor Tom watches every morning to get inspired, why 17-year-olds have no business being nostalgic for anything, the exact moment each of them gave up on playing pro sports, and why comedians never seem to get that same reality check. The guys break down Bert's Whoop addiction and the blood clot that started it, get talked into a completely fictional performance-enhancing stack for a 5K, fall in love with bull riding legend JB Mauney, pitch the worst sponsorship idea in podcast history, and watch a food delivery driver take on the entire Barstool office. Then it's cringe cancellation, sobriety influencers, 4:23 a.m. morning routine guys, and a long, very funny argument about which movie stars are actually men and which ones just look at themselves in the mirror. Plus Bert's new fragrance obsession, the colognes of Napoleon, Elvis and JFK, Sebastian Maniscalco's four seasonal robes, Joe Rogan's splits, Billy Bob Thornton at the CMAs, and a big announcement about the future of the show.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 337

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Bet with DK Sportsbook: Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER, 1-800-MYRESET. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://CCPG.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. 21+. Void in Canada. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Availability varies. Predictions offer void in New York. Bet to get Bonus bets that expire in seven days. Trade to get Predictions Dollars that expire in one year. $50 in rewards issued every seven days via click to claim for twenty-one days. One non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Terms at https://dkng.co/offer. Limited time offer. Nationwide based on Sportsbook, Predictions, and Free-to-Play Sports Contest availability. Varies by State.

00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:17 - The Jewish Joke Bert Can't Tell On Stage

00:04:26 - Pastor Manning

00:09:09 - Period Sex Confessions & Giving Up On Sports

00:21:50 - Nobody Quits Comedy Or Drinking

00:31:31 - Whoop Obsession, The Blood Clot, & Tren

00:37:09 - JB Mauney & The PBR

00:44:27 - Motorcycles & The 12 O'clock Boys Sponsorship

00:46:56 - The Barstool Helmet Fight

00:52:58 - Fighting Women

00:56:13 - Cringe Cancellation

01:01:35 - Tom's Pep Talk & Bert's Therapy

01:05:05 - Sobriety Influencers & Morning Routine Guys

01:09:04 - Cringey Actors vs. Real Men

01:19:33 - Bert's Fragrance Obsession

01:30:00 - Drakkar Noir Nostalgia

01:36:49 - Sebastian Maniscalco Is A Study

01:40:04 - Bert Meets Billy Bob At The CMAs

01:44:26 - 2 Bears Is Going Back To Weekly

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This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer celebrate Bert officially entering the Guinness Book of World Records for The Machine, possibly the most performed signature story in comedy history, and immediately spiral into the comedy record arms race: Shane Gillis' 77,000-person show, Nate Bargatze's 2 million tickets, the Dane Cook vs. Dave Chappelle longest-set war, and Bert's plan to lock 75,000 paid "hostages" inside Raymond James Stadium and perform for ten straight hours. Then the Bears respond to Stavros Halkias calling out comics who fly private, and explain why he's absolutely right: nobody gets funnier on a private jet. From there, Bert declares Busboys, the new Theo Von and David Spade movie, the greatest piece of art he's ever seen, and Tom finally watches The Odyssey, only for Bert to officially turn on it over the Travis Scott cameo. Plus: Gaddafi's all-female Amazonian Guard, plane-crash hypotheticals, Chimp Empire is the best reality show ever made, Mick Jagger on fame, and why the Bears are grateful they got famous late.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 336

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00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:18 - Comedians Getting Guinness Records

00:07:24 - The Attendance Record Arms Race

00:18:09 - Stavvy Says Private Jets Don't Make You Funnier

00:24:25 - Lunch Pail Phonies & Staying Honest

00:35:39 - Busboys Is A Secret Masterpiece

00:41:55 - Tom Finally Saw The Odyssey

01:03:45 - Por Osos At Frenchies & MacDill

01:07:29 - The Sexiest Military & Plane Crash Hypotheticals

01:12:08 - Chimp Empire

01:15:26 - Leanne's Birthday & The Black Crowes

01:20:28 - Mick Jagger On Fame

01:24:18 - Wrap Up

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This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are back in the cave after eight weeks apart, and they open with a full review of The Odyssey, Lupita Nyong'o as Helen of Troy, Matt Damon's rogue Boston accent, and why Jon Bernthal is Hollywood's most legendary napper. From there, Bert unveils his billionaire rebrand (Sabah shoes, LBJ Stetsons, and the top five shoes billionaires wear this fall) before getting real about sobriety, anxiety attacks, and self-diagnosing 12 terminal illnesses in a single month. The Bears also spiral into the movies that blindsided them, Primal Fear, The Sixth Sense, Memento, Fight Club, and why the DIY hits like Obsession prove Hollywood is in another pivot moment. Plus: Project Hail Mary vs. the 15-hour audiobook, Bert's theory that this is the funniest (and most jacked) generation of comics ever, college football weight-room PRs, Jason Kelce showing up for a 9 AM bench session, and a meet & greet at MacDill Air Force Base August 14. If you missed the Bears, this one's for you.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 335

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00:00:00 - Intro

00:00:26 - The Bears Review The Odyssey

00:10:34 - Bears At MacDill Air Force Base

00:11:15 - Project Hail Mary & Bert's Cute Shoes

00:23:37 - Bert's Drinking Again

00:33:36 - Obsession & The New Hollywood Pivot

00:39:00 - The Best Twist Movies Ever

00:52:33 - Everyone's Got Abs

00:56:02 - College Weight Room Energy

01:00:44 - Wrap Up

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This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer compare their two very different eras of being fat, Tom's custom-made fat guy shirts, hard visceral fat vs. soft fat, and why losing weight made everyone think Tom got lip injections. Bert's sober documentary binge takes them from Patient Zero "Gay Tom" spreading AIDS across the Air Canada route map to Concorde pricing scams. Tom also reveals the fattest thing he's ever seen Bert do: ten appetizers, four entrées, and twenty doubles in Tallahassee. Bert also retells Bill Hader's retelling of Henry Rollins meeting David Lee Roth, and his daughter's instantly legendary Boston Tea Party take. Then things get real: a midlife crisis YouTube video sends Bert and LeeAnn into a "sell everything and get five apartments in five cities" fantasy, LeeAnn gets brutally honest about when she was happiest, and Tom breaks down the difference between happy and content. Plus: Hulk Hogan inflating Andre the Giant's weight, Julian's belt reaction to the Michael Jackson movie, Whoop resting heart rate brags, Craig Robinson's dunk, and the great first sweat vs. last sweat debate.

2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 334

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Chapters
00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:52 - Fat Tommy Vs Skinny Tom
00:09:16 - Patient Zero, Polio, & The Concorde
00:19:38 - The Fattest Thing Tom Ever Saw Bert Do
00:23:55 - Bill Hader, David Lee Roth & Boston Tea Party
00:32:21 - Hulk Hogan, Macho Man & LeeAnn Off Leash
00:36:37 - Five Apartments In Five Cities
00:46:12 - Bert's Midlife Crisis Theory
00:54:34 - "You're Not Hitting The Notes, Mike"
00:57:05 - Whoop Brags & Craig Robinson Dunking
01:02:36 - Wrap Up

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