The Lens

Deciding to take action is deciding to sacrifice all the other actions you could have taken. No wonder we don’t take action. Some part of us, a part tasked with protecting us from loss, is trying to prevent us from losing our chance to take ALL the actions. This is a fool’s errand. The Black Sun sends a message to our protectors, “I’m going somewhere with this sacrifice. I’m okay with losing other chances. I’m taking my shot now at shining in this one particular way, and I’m willfully doing so at the expense of all other ways.”

Here is how you can send this message, not with words, but with a powerful image:

CUE: You’re craving something that blocks your forward motion. Your phone, a substance, junk food, the remote control.

RESPONSE: Imagine you’re reaching out to grab it. Just as your hand is closing around it… it disappears. You’ll never be able to partake of that thing ever again.

Sit with the feelings of deprivation that come up. See the deprivation as a hole opening in the universe. A dark, endless void. Give it room to grow.

Now imagine you’re standing next to this gaping hole in the ground and you’re staring down into it deeply… and finding no bottom. Stare deeper in anticipation of something coming up from the bottom of this hole. And then it appears. A black sun.

As the black sun rises up toward you, you begin to feel its warmth coming up through your feet and legs. When the warmth overtakes your body, you now realize that the black sun is rising inside you. Through your belly… into your chest… your heart… your lungs… up into your throat. When the black sun reaches your head, it’s transformed into bright blazing sun beams.

Everyone around you sees you shining.

This edition of Testify is an email from a client who has a beautiful take on the Black Sun.

I have been really digging into the monthly newsletters that you've been releasing. Around the same time you released your update talking about stand up paddling, I started to surf. It has been an exhilarating and humbling experience to wake up at the ass crack of dawn, only to get barreled by the tides for an hour and a half, while a 12-year old swoops by on a wave. 

Anyway into the juice- This past month has had a lot of action. I witnessed way too many car accidents in the first week of August, have played shows that made me feel like a rockstar, unleashing a part of me that loves to be on stage and create in the moment. I've dealt with unexpected losses that I am still processing. At the crux of it all, I've re-entered the world of dating, after three years when we had spoken about my last relationship. And boy has it taken me on an adventure internally. This feels like the last dungeon in a Zelda game, where I am busting out all the tools I have acquired from the adventure thus far, from you and the Tools book. It has been feeling like all my wounds are opening, all the expectations that I had from my last relationship are constantly clawing at me to want things that I have worked so hard to realize are unnecessary. Things like, constant validation, constant communication, sex every time we see each other. Most importantly, giving too much of myself expecting the same to be returned. 

It had started to really take a toll on me only three weeks in when I woke up in the middle of the night, yearning. I realized- no, I will not hurt the same way I did three years ago. I have plenty of connections that fulfill me, and this time, I'm a working musician damnit. I struggle too often and too long for someone to come and fuck it all up. I made a promise to my shadow that I would put us first this time. We have goals, after all. I use the Tower when I felt the hurt resurface from my last breakup. I look at the void inside of me, endlessly yearning, and let it disappear to watch the Black Sun rise inside of me. And on top of that, while I was made to love, I was first made to walk, I was made to create, and I was made to do so much more than wait by my phone for a text.

And so today something really special happened. I was scrolling when I saw that the person I am seeing has a second instagram, of which I wasn't following. I don't know why- it seems like a dumb gen z thing, but it hurt to see that we weren't following each other on what seemed like a more personal, intimate account. I hated that I felt this way. We had only been seeing each other for a month. But that was my cue- my yearning for closeness, my desire to text him to close the space that I intentionally left between us so I could focus on work this week. I used the black sun tool. I felt all of what I described, I closed my eyes. 

It's always hard to erase something that feels so strong. But I just kept staring, into the darkness behind my eyelids, taking deep breaths, until I could feel the yearning start to dispel. Then there was nothing. I stared for a while. It reminded me of the ocean I stare into when I paddle out past the break. I don't know how long I had been staring, when I felt the black sun rising, it wasn't a sun. It was a grand piano that seemed small on the horizon, but got closer and closer and was massive. Weird. But I felt it grow; grow past my skin and project itself as a bright light outside of my body.

Not five minutes later I get a call from my high school chorus teacher, who I had reconnected with earlier this summer, telling me about a potential gig to accompany a high school chorus. This entire summer had been a financial struggle, a lack of gigs, and a whole lot of feeling directionless. And here is an opportunity that seemingly fell into my lap. And after having used the Black Sun tool, I didn't question my abilities like I tend to do. I didn't question myself on whether I'd be able to handle it. I just said, I'm gonna work my ass off to make sure I get this gig. 

And that's my update! Whether or not I actually get this gig is a mystery, but it gives me hope that my Life Force is well equipped against the Ganondorf of my life that is Part X.

Well I’ve written and rewritten this section of my newsletter about nine times in the past three days. I’m having a hard time knowing if it’s cowardice or compassion that stays my pen and stills my tongue. This cognitive dissonance is painful. A strange sort of relief comes from the opiates of instant video, social grafiti, and my imaginary friends in Podcastistan. They all tell me what I want to hear. That my worldview is valid and shared by smart and admirable people. And that feels good for a minute. But now the minutes have become 22 days.

So a few days ago I turned on Freedom. It’s the very sort of self-deprivation tool one can employ when inspired by The Black Sun. Now the dispatches from the Culture War front are muted long enough for me to finally sit down and write. And 1,300 shadow-inspired words flowed forth, which were encouraging to me alone. I drafted two songs, and wrote two psychotherapeutic tools you’ll never learn from me. I’ve also discovered and welcomed several shadows, only to decline the opportunity to share them with you here at this time.

As an individual, my highest priority is loyalty to my shadow in all his righteousness and wretchedness. But as your therapist, my highest priority is the mysterious and rare rapport I have with so many of you, and our shared quest for the alleviation of despair. It’s a healing we create by finding meaning in our suffering. So this benediction is all that remains for me to share with you.

…it might take 22 days.

Don’t stop,

If you learn this tool, not only will you know exactly what to do when you encounter a panic attack, but it might even make you immune to panic attacks altogether. Here’s how to perform the Dive Response (aka. The Mammalian Dive Reflex)

Here’s the cue: You’re having a panic attack, with rapid heart rate, intense fear, derealization…

1. Get ice (or anything frozen or very cold)

2. Put the ice in a large bowl and fill the bowl with water.

3. Hold your breath and plunge your face into the ice cold water. Imagine you’re diving into an ice-cold lake. Only come up for a quick breath when needed and keep “diving” back under the water for the next minute or two.

Your panic will disappear in less than a minute (rather than the 30 minutes it might take to dissipate otherwise).

But what if I don’t have a bowl and water and all that?

If you don’t have a bowl and water, but you do have an ice cube (or again, a bag of frozen veggies, or even a very cold can of soda), take the ice cube and touch it to your face, Focus on running it back and forth along your cheek bones and the thin, sensitive skin beneath your eyes. When it starts to hurt, switch to the other cheek bone.

This tool is 100% effective because it leverages a trait we all have as mammals. When we dive into water, our brain tells our heart to slow down, because it is trying to conserve our oxygen. Panic (much like fire) requires oxygen, and without an ample supply… it simply flames out.

The tool behind this tool could be called, always have a tool. More on that in the parade of shadows.

This edition of Testify! is brought to us by James, a “gearhead” who writes online about the adventures he has in his own garage. Recently James had a major setback in his adventures, followed by a recovery that involved practicing the tool, Loss Processing. If you’ve ever tried to use that tool, you might be able to relate to James’ struggle with how it challenges you, just before it helps you move forward. James writes:

3/30/2025. A day that will forever live in infamy in my life. The day I lost something very near and dear to my heart. The day I crashed my car. A car that for almost ten years I have been restoring and modifying. A 1981 Toyota Corolla, colloquially known to me and my allies (and now you) as bluesdrivemonster.

Before the crash I never considered if something made of metal and plastic could die. Or if something made of metal and plastic could have a soul. The rational answer is “no”, but based on my recent experiences my new answer would have to be "maybe" if not “yes”. Metaphysics aside, I can now confidently say that crashing a car can be synonymous with corporeal death.

This is the state I found myself in when I was introduced to the tool of loss processing. It was safe to say I felt the loss but I wasn’t sure I was ready or even knew what it meant to give up everything. And I certainly didn’t have infinite energy to give. I felt untethered or unmoored. The object of my passion, my creative outlet, and part of my identity for the past 15 years had been destroyed. I had removed myself from the local car community I was a part of and no longer had access to the freedom that only a car can provide. I wasn’t ready to give any of that up.

Over the next weeks and months and after dealing with police reports and insurance adjusters eventually the car was back in my garage. I was fortunate to have bluesdrivemonster back but now I was constantly confronted with the new state of things. And frankly, my new reality fucking sucked. But in fact this new reality I was living in was the best introduction (and forced acceptance) to Stutz’s Aspects of Reality. Pain, Uncertainty and Constant Work. My car was smashed, which hurt me deeply. There was no guarantee it would ever be put back together. But if there was any way it was ever going to drive again it would only be possible through my blood, sweat, and tears. Pain, uncertainty, and constant work embodied in a crashed 1981 Toyota Corolla. It is with this new understanding I felt I was able to unlock the final part of loss processing, infinite energy. I may only have one life to live, but with that life I can use my energy to build Corollas the best I know how (and I know how to do it damn well).

Filled with this newfound energy and conviction to rebuild what I had lost, I went back into the garage. And it was while rebuilding and listening to a podcast I was introduced to Camus’ ideas on revolting against the absurd thanks to Philosophize This! The absurd is the tension we live in created by our natural desire for meaning and the meaninglessness of the universe. To revolt against the absurd is to acknowledge the universe doesn’t care, but I do. And the simple act of caring is enough to live a happy and fulfilled life.

This is why Camus says one must imagine Sisyphus happy. The universe doesn’t care about my 1981 Toyota Corolla but I do. Accepting the pain, suffering, and constant work of rebuilding bluesdrivemonser is my act of revolting against the absurd and finding happiness while doing it. Wrenching on Corollas is my boulder (or is it a wheel in my case?) and I’ll gladly roll it to the top of the mountain as long as my hands can hold a wrench.

Ultimately I feel I have a better understanding of how my tragic and absurd experience can define me and how my story can connect me to others. How it helps me understand my identity, and how it helps me integrate painful experiences into the meaningful whole that is my life. It's the story of my quest to be the Akira Nakai of Corollas and to share the quest with people.

So, in the end, what did I do? I started writing about absurd things on my website The Garage Diaries. And I bought another 1981 Corolla, this one is named juliet.

During the pandemic I was an “essential worker”, plying my craft at an inner city mental health clinic walk-in center. Panic attacks were at an all time high. Dozens of people called me via crisis hotline during those first weeks of the plague, isolated and forcibly evicted from their status quo. Panic struck the staff too. One of my co-workers went into a panic attack just sitting at her desk where she, not even 10 minutes earlier, had been calmly checking email. One of my clients at the time was an EMT. She was increasingly having to call in sick when a panic attacks hit her just minutes before clocking in. So the impact of panic was profound. Having the Dive Response at the ready allowed my colleague to recover quickly and she had the powerful example of personal experience with this tool to share it with all her clients. And the EMT… well she was armed not only with the Dive Response, but she never failed to take a bottle of frozen water with her in her lunch cooler, ready to press to her face at a moment’s notice. As it turned out, she never had to use it. More on that later.

Now contrast a tool like this with Shadow-Work or IFS. Shadow-work is amazing. By extending curiosity toward mysterious forces within, you can transform yourself into the compassionate grown-up you always wished you had growing up. But when these protective parts act out with compelling sensations and emotions, you might be hard pressed to summon the creativity to improvise your way through a healing inner dialogue in the heat of the moment. Practicing such dialogues while calm can build up muscle memory. But in the meantime we have tools like the Dive Response that require little if any creativity or devoted practice. It allows us to act NOW, and ask fascinating questions later. So I’m putting the Dive Response in that emergency category. It lacks the usual curiosity and patience of a loving shadow relationship. After all it physically shuts something down within us. It ends the conversation. So I wouldn’t advise using this kind of forcible response at the slightest provocation. But if something is holding you hostage… if something can make you feel intense anger or fear for a half hour or longer… well then, let’s appreciate that there are a lot of poor decisions that could come out being in that state of mind for long. If we shorten its duration, we likely avoid many regrets.

The other amazing thing I discovered about this tool, is that I never had to administer it to the same person twice. It’s as if it inoculated them from panic attacks. One clue as to why that happens appeared when one of my crisis-line clients started laughing after doing the Dive Response for about 20 seconds. She even got a little euphoric. “Oh my god… I love this… I can’t stop doing it.” As she hung up the phone she said, “I can’t wait for my next panic attack.” … and that’s when it dawned on me… Geez… with that attitude you’ll never get a panic attack. That’s how it is with fear. These thoughts and feelings feed back on themselves. It turns into “fear about fear”, and just like any feedback loop, it quickly dysregulates into chain-reactions until all the fissile fuel is expended.

Well now, when fear says, “what will you do when the panic comes?” you’ll have an answer for it. “I’m going to do the Dive Response. Look… my ice cubes are never far from reach.” Once you learn a dozen such tools, you’ll have an answer for so many other threats and accusations, too:

“What will you do if you’re disrespected?”
“I’ll perform Active Love.”

“What will you do if they reject your application?”
“I’ll practice The Mother.”

”What will you do when the stock market tanks.”
”I’ll play the Grateful Flow game.”

”What will you do if you choke during the job interview”
”I’ll summon my shadow with Inner Authority.”

“What will you do if you crash your favorite classic car?”
”I’ll practice Loss Processing… and then I’ll blog about it.”

And when the shit hits the fan… maybe you will use these tools. Maybe you’ll forget. But for today… when the threats are merely whispered, you’ll have an answer. You’ll make a promise to act.

Don’t stop,

I learned this skill from Sam Harris. Sam’s way with words simply cannot be improved upon. So get your mind blown straight from the source.

If you want to operationalize The Last Time even more… do what I did and get the Life Calendar from Tim Urban that Sam mentions. Again, I don’t promote medicine I myself don’t take. My own life calendar is featured below in The Parade of Shadows. 

In this edition of Testify!, we are given the privilege of direct access to the Field Notes of a caregiver working in a residential support home. She is embodying the wisdom of The Last Time every day in her job.

Field Note Honors: The Girl with the Princess Room

(A study in grief, care, and the mistaken diagnosis of mourning)

I used to take Nicole home to her father’s house. She had a bedroom fit for a princess, and he adored her. My role was to help her settle in for the evening—shower, cozy pajamas, maybe brush her hair. It was sweet. It was gentle. It made sense.

So when I found her here—living in this cockroach-ridden house, staff muttering complaints about her refusal to shower—I had questions.

I went to her softly. I asked about her dad.

“He died two months ago,” she said.

Tears. Hollow eyes. Diminished appetite. Matted hair. She hadn’t been eating. She hadn’t been bathing. Of course she hadn’t.

I washed her face gently with warm water. I made her bed. I brushed her hair. I brought her lunch.

Then I asked, “Would you like help with a shower? You’ll feel so much better.”

She looked at me with quiet pleading and said, “Yes, please.”

And then, when the water touched her skin, she whimpered: “I’m scared.”

I called on-call to ask: “Is she being treated as someone in mourning… or someone with behavioral issues?”

The manager said: “She’s a big problem.” Then, quieter: “I guess she could be grieving.”

Nicole’s not a problem. She’s the girl with the princess room whose father is no longer alive. She’s someone mourning, still seeking safety. And today, I got to help her remember what warmth feels like.

Epilogue Transmission:

The next day, Nicole was still sad, but something had shifted. She entered the shower with less resistance. She lingered in the stream—playful, almost.

Later, I saw a scattered deck of cards on her bed, familiar from her father’s house. She mumbled something, soft and muddled. I leaned in.

“I don’t have anyone to play cards with.”

So we played. She shuffled into the living room beside me, fragile but determined. And she beat me—at her version of Go Fish, with rules known only to her.

For a moment, I saw her again. The girl with the princess room. Still here.

Sometimes I can tune in to The Last Time by accomplishing something for The First Time. As I write this, it’s my day off …the first Wednesday in July, and for the first time, I rode a stand-up paddle-board from my backyard to The Gulf. I’ve been wanting to try it since moving here a month ago. For weeks I kept looking at the map …wondering if I could paddle the black-water crick behind my house till it reached the brackish lagoon …then paddle across the lagoon to the thin strip of ivory sand on the far shore …then carry the board just a few yards to the other side of the strand and …Bam! There it should be. The salty, transparent, emerald waves of the sea.

I didn’t see anyone else in my neighborhood trying this, though. Was the tempting closeness of the beach on the other side of the lagoon just a trick of the eye? Would the speed-boats racing across the boat channel in the distance be able to see me on a paddle board? Could I paddle fast enough to cross their path safely? So this morning I paddled down to a point in the lagoon where the distance between the shores was narrowest. I looked across and said, what the hell, and paddled my ass off. It turned out to be pretty easy. I got so excited I decided to make this a weekly ritual. A regular dose of vitamin D and cardio. I can’t wait to paddle this route with my son. And my dad. My dog!

But let’s take a sober turn and use our tool of the month. Let me remember that one day… I’ll paddle this route for the last time. (Oh geez …maybe that day was today.) But if I’m committed (or addicted) and do this every week… and if I’m really lucky and do this till I’m 90 years old, I’ll get to repeat this feat about 1,776 more times. Maybe that seems like a large number to you. To me, it’s shockingly tidy. In fact it fits perfectly into the lower third of a standard size poster I have leaning against my office wall. It’s the poster reminding me every day just how many “Wednesdays” I have left.

My Life Calendar.

I crossed out the weeks I’ve already used up.

By the time you read this, I’ll be traveling to see my mentor and inspiration, Barry Michels. I made the first of many pilgrimages to meet Barry exactly 10 years ago when he taught his Tools workshop with Phil Stutz at Omega. But this trip will be the last time. Barry has Lewy Body Dementia. He recently announced next week’s Shadow Workshop at Omega will be his last.

I’m incredibly grateful to know all this. I can feel an urgency rising. I want to show up for this moment. I want to squeeze so much out of this next week, that it spits out every ounce of regret I could possibly feel in the future. I’ll start by literally squeezing Barry if he’ll let me.

Thank you for indulging me.

Don’t stop,

When Phil Stutz scrawls his sketch of the string of pearls, I think he is gently reminding us to embrace our inner Sisyphus. If we have any hope of happiness, it is purely in our willingness to to take action, non-stop, without regard for the results. But I love how Phil adds a key detail to his pearls. Each one has a turd in it. Your actions are allowed to be flawed. They can even stink. If you make room for such imperfection, you become relentless.

Here’s how to practice The Turd in the Pearl. Do something you know for a fact will fail. Your action’s only redeeming feature should be that it aligns with your intentions. It helps if you start with intentions that are inspired by the deeper longings of your soul. Even better if your intentions are audacious or just slightly out of reach.

Examples might be: Audition for a community theater role. Put an insanely low bid on an item up for auction. Show up to the DMV without an appointment. Attend an open mic with a song you barely know. Bake your first cake from scratch and serve it to your crush on her birthday. Invite an impossible guest to your next barbecue (maybe they’re famous, or they hate you, or they’re dead) … I could do this all day… and in fact I’ve performed every one of the example-actions I just named (I stumbled through the open-mic and the DMV tasks just this very week). I would never give you medicine I don’t take myself.

Don’t miss the key-skill inspired by this tool. Withhold your judgement. Yes it’s true that the results fall short of your intentions. Or maybe you get lucky and the results exceed your expectations. Either way, neither praise nor rebuke yourself. The outcome doesn’t matter. Intention backed by the action is the whole game. You took the action? You won. End of story. The only way to lose this game is to stop taking action. You especially can’t allow the results, good or bad, to influence your decision to keep taking action.

Non-judgement is the superpower we’re developing here. But if you simply must judge, try to turn your judgement into gratitude. “I’m grateful I took actions that validate my soul’s deepest desires”. Or “I’m thankful that this turned out better than I thought it would.” Or how about, “I’m so glad this didn’t go worse.” If you’ve been doing shadow-work, you can aim your gratitude at your shadow. Turn to your shadow and say, “Thank you for encouraging me to do this… see… we really are in this together. I hope you’ll trust me to follow through on your inspirations. What do you want to inspire me to do next?”

If you feel criticism coming up for how poorly the action performed, remind your shadow, “If these actions don’t work out, that’s on me… you just keep the ideas coming. I really need your creativity. My life would be dull and hardly worth living without you.”

You might think I’m just trying to encourage you to up your reps in what is essentially a numbers-game. And sure… that’s a cool side-effect of this tool. The more shots you take… blah blah yadda blah. But the real reason this tool is so helpful is that your shadow is the wellspring of your hopes and dreams, especially the impossible ones, and your shadow will reward you whenever you take actions on its inspiration. The reward is confidence.

If it feels like the action you’re taking is a boulder too heavy for your inner Sisyphus to get rolling, then push a turdy pearl instead. This could mean starting with small tasks, or merely visualizing yourself performing tasks using Reversal of Desire. Every action counts.

In this edition of Testify!, a sculptor named Bruno recently revealed to me the secret he discovered for moving forward against the tide of perfectionism that holds him back from taking chances with his sculptures.

First, he built a system of showing up at key moments in the week to focus without distractions and simply keep getting his hands dirty with the clay.

I have 5 hours left in the studio today and 3 tomorrow. I’m going in an hour early today and tomorrow so that’s 10 hours total, the equivalent of 3.3 classes.

He struggled with the feelings of fear and judgement that would come up throughout the process.

I really want to do well and I feel that it’s looking ok, pretty good actually, but the hair is ruining it. I’m just not getting how to sculpt hair. And the fact that it’s curly is making it harder.

I already have to fix it, and I’m scared to do that because I’m afraid I’ll ruin it. But I guess if it already looks bad I can’t ruin it more.

I want to try and remember that I’m the guy who takes action and does things, regardless of outcome. But my fear of failing is holding me back.

Wish me luck. I’m going to have to remove a lot of hair.

I sent him back a few words of encouragement… keep going.. don’t stop. The next day he sent me an update…

Thanks for the support Denis. I guess the tool I used was wanting pain? It was difficult because I did not want to ruin it, but when I decided it was already wrong I had no choice but to fix it.

I was able to get over my fears and work on it. It was stressful though.

At the height of my stress in grad school, I succumbed to a shadow take-over and got close to throwing away my marriage and career. My fellow students whom I offended reported me to the school administration. They sequestered me from my cohort, investigated my behavior, and summoned me to a hearing to decide if I violated the school code. In the end I lost my friends. My loved ones forgave me. The investigation and hearing ended in my favor. I should have been nothing but grateful. Yet it gnawed at me… the idea that if I tried really hard to tell my side of the story, I could get back into the good graces of the friends who shunned me. I even convinced one or two of them to hear me out. No dice. None of it could put humpty dumpty back together.

Practicing Phil’s tools such as Hatred and Misunderstanding, The Tower, and The Father remind me not to waste my energy on getting the world to see me the way I want to be seen. At the same time, I couldn’t deny that there was a part of me, a shadow, who wanted redemption. Wanted to belong again. Even though I decided, as the leader of my self, to move forward without any hope of such a redemption, I still had this part of me asking me to relate to it somehow. I decided that even though his desires were easily judged as “unhealthy” and impossible, I could still take actions that harmonized with what he wanted. He imagined a world in which he was always treated “as if” he belonged. So I decided to create a Turd in The Pearl moment by throwing a lavish graduation party and inviting my estranged cohort to it. I knew full well that none of them would come. Indeed none would even reply to the invite. But that wasn’t the point. By making the gesture I was saying to my shadow “sure man… we can invite those people… I know you’d want things to be different. I’m willing to do one small thing that honors that.”

And so we continue this dance. Chances keep coming to show that guy he still matters, even though I can’t give him what he wants. Even though I bet we’re far better off with him not getting what he wants. And so I take the action aimed at his intentions. A small pearl of an action …turdy … feeling heavy as a boulder… while hitting the send-button on a very, very late June newsletter.

Thank you for indulging me. Don’t stop.

-Denis

Your cue to use this tool is when you are avoiding doing something you suspect might be good for you (exercise, creative expression, relationships, nutrition, education, finances, etc.). You either can’t decide what want to prioritize, or you get excuses like, Is this really what I want to be doing? or What’s the point? or I’ll do it when I feel more motivated.

If you’re stuck like this, imagine you’re an explorer excavating an ancient burial ground and you’ve just unearthed a scroll… it’s the original User’s Manual that was given to humans when they first emerged on the planet hundreds of thousands of years ago.

On the first page it reads:

YOU WERE MADE TO WALK.

YOU WERE MADE TO CHEW YOUR FOOD.

THE DAY YOU CEASE TO WALK AND CHEW WILL BE YOUR LAST DAY UPON THE EARTH.*

It goes on to describe hunting and gathering, which foods to eat, how to relate to others, and finally how to create. All kinds of creative actions are described. Procreation, how to fashion weapons, how to build tools, how to spin fantastic and colorful yarns (both literal and figurative), music, art, science, technology, medicine, and on and on all the way into how to create an entire universe.

At the end of the scroll it says:

A MANUAL LIKE THIS WAS WRITTEN ON THE HEARTS OF EVERY CREATURE, AND THEY SHALL NEVER FORGET THEIR INSTRUCTIONS. BUT AS SOON AS HUMANS WRITE THESE INSTRUCTIONS ON A SCROLL, THEIR HEARTS SHALL BE ERASED, AND WHEN THEY LOSE THEIR SCROLL, THEY SHALL SPEND THE REST OF THEIR DAYS JUST TRYING TO RE-MEMBER.

And then the scroll disappears like sand through your fingers. And you only remember the first line. You repeat it to yourself…

“I WAS MADE TO WALK”.

*Like many scrolls of its time, The User’s Manual exaggerates for the sake of maximum persuasion in the “truthy” direction. Even its lies and mistakes are truer than the truth.

This edition of Testify! is contributed by a young mother who was pulled into the national headlines of an explosive scandal by a close family member.

Part X convinced me my life was over. I had retreated from the world, was obsessed with things out of my control, and I was truly convinced my situation was the worst thing to ever happen to anyone. I was the victim-of-all-victims ready to serve a life sentence. I am forever grateful that this fate led me to therapy and The Tools. I began to see everything I had to be grateful for. A fire was lit inside me. I started fighting back. I committed to using a tool anytime I caught my thoughts leaving the present moment and leading me into worrying about the future or reliving injuries from the past.

My favorite tool is The Tower. This tool suggests we embrace our injuries instead of fighting against them. Once I surrendered and allowed the pain to ‘kill me’, I was set free and a new me was born. I embraced my fate, accepted what is out of my control, and, most importantly, found joy in every day I get in this life. I have been using The Tools for two years now and re-read the books every few months. What I thought was the worst thing to happen to me I now view as one of the best. I’ve built back a stronger and happier version of myself. In my most recent readthrough, this quote caught my eye:

Beauty provides us with something we can’t get anywhere else: the inspiration to fight as hard as we can against Part X.
- Coming Alive

If you need more evidence this works, I can tell you that my daughter wouldn’t be here without The Tools. In my crisis, I convinced myself it would have been cruel to bring another innocent baby into this disaster of a life. And at the time I don’t think I physically could have handled it either. The Jeopardy tool helped me realize I only get one life and I should go after anything and everything. The Mother tool helped with the physical part. I imagined her not only taking the black sludge off of me but also taking all the black sludge I imagined was inside of me. I also used Reversal of Desire while giving birth. They said her heart rate was starting to fluctuate and, even though I was exhausted, I knew that meant I needed to hurry up and get her out. I started repeating ‘Bring it on/ Pain sets me free’ and then I literally smiled with the next contraction and there she was! 

…and Part X doesn’t stand a chance with that smile!

Phil Stutz’ latest book is really helping me reframe so many of the practical tools I’ve already been practicing for the last decade into something quite divine, and maybe even a little insane. Certainly not rational. He’d call it magic.

For a long time I have been focused on asking myself and others, “What do you want?” It’s a powerful question, because if you can limit your conversation to this question, and it’s inevitable answers, you can avoid criticism and defensiveness and get to work on creating something. Especially when you upgrade the conversation to the question, “HOW?”

But there are some drawbacks to asking “What do I want?” Today many of us have the luxury of waking up without a single want in the world. The abundance of every possible comfort, convenience, and stimulation is so overwhelming, your only desire is for a hangover cure.

Another tricky thing about wanting, is that we aren’t just dealing with the wants of a single person. We have children and partners and housemates and neighbors. Moreover, inside ourselves we have shadows and protectors… each of these parts want things, many of them mutually exclusive.

So to simplify this question. I often turn to this question: “What was I made for?” And to cut through the noise even further. I provide this answer:

I was made to walk.

And eventually I arrive at many other things I was made for, and that every part of me can agree about uncontroversially, “Yes… we were made for this. Regardless of how we feel in the moment. Regardless of whether or not we even WANT to do this. If just one more action is taken today… let it be something I was made for.”

Here is a list of some things I believe I was made for. I encourage you to make a similar list and revisit it once a week. Add to it. Delete some. Repeat them outloud. Don’t stop.

I was made to walk... a lot. Miles and miles every day.

I was made to hunt. (focus mentally and bodily on something so intensely with all my will that it ceases to exist anywhere else but within me. It’s mine)

I was made to make tools. (probably to help me hunt)

I was made to eat whole food.

I was made to spend hours gathering food (preparing it?) and chewing on it (enjoying it?).

I was made to swim.

I was made to protect and defend myself and my loved ones from the tyranny of brutal men.

I was made to fight.

I was made to procreate.

I was made to tell stories that delight and inspire.

I was made to play games. I was also made to create games so good that other people will want to play them with me.

I was made to make something out of nothing.

I was made to make meaning.

I was made to make order out of chaos.

I was made to admire and emulate people more able than myself. And maybe even surpass them. Or die trying.

I was made to revere places that inspire awe.

I was made to experience awe.

I was made to serve that which inspires awe.

I was made to experience joy.

I was made to experience pain, loss, and grief.

I was made to speak my mind.

I was made to embrace fear, uncertainty, and ceaseless effort.

I was made to be unhappy if I don’t do what I was made for.

Go ahead and cross out any of the things in my personal manual that you don’t see any evidence for in your life or in the life of humans generally. But I think, if you looked hard enough at the fossil record, or the annals of anthropology, or even just under the couch… you might find evidence for everything I’ve listed.

Thank you for indulging me.

Cheers!

-Denis

This tool is based on Inner Authority, where you invite your shadow to help you perform in front of an audience. The audience might literally be in a theater with you on the stage, but it could just as well be you performing at your best in front of the counter at the DMV. What if you happen to know that the audience you are facing has specific accusations and criticisms of you going into this encounter. Even small ones like, “this jerk is probably going to ask me for a discount or some kind of special treatment”. Don’t hide from the accusations. Instead, do what Chris Voss says to do, and compile an Accusation Audit from the jump. Imagine all the aughts and gripes and suspicions these folks might have against you. Set aside the fact that these are likely all a fabrication from your inner critic. We’ll validate the fear a little. At least at first.

Picture yourself in a courtroom. You are the defense attorney. And your shadow is the guy (or gal) who you imagine all these people think you are… a jerk, a loser, a pervert, a privileged baby, a washed up has-been (I could do this all day)… and he (or she) is chained in shackles at the witness stand. You address your audience, “Your Honor, and ladies and gentlemen of the jury. My shadow is accused of being too stupid [inferior] and too selfish [evil] to be trusted with your precious time and attention.”

Now instead of launching into your defense, turn to your shadow, pull out a key from your pocket, and unlock his chains and shackles and say… “never mind all that… I was just buttering up the audience. None of this is necessary. You’re no longer a criminal. You’re free to move about the courtroom at will. You can even leave. But I hope you’ll stay and help me with this audience.”

Now take the key you used to unlock the shackles and hand it to your shadow. Ask him what he’d like to do with it. Take whatever comes next as your shadow’s wish. Maybe he’ll swallow the key, or throw it out the window. Maybe he’ll run out of the courtroom howling down the hallway. Maybe he’ll grab his shackles up off the floor and clink them right back around his ankles. But if you’re lucky, maybe he’ll team up with you and approach the jury with confidence, stride up to them with his key in hand, and unshackle them all one by one. After all, who really wants to be on jury duty? What are the chances the judge and jury might also have their own shadows?

This edition of Testify! is contributed in the form of an art piece and a shadow-meditation. A re-union and re-membering is playing out in this piece. What has been lost in the external world is now being found within.

For me, it has been a profound privilege to witness this artist’s ongoing recovery from self-fracturing loss; a recovery catalyzed by the full embrace of pain, uncertainty, and ceaseless effort.

As you read these vows, imagine you are transforming your own relationship with your shadow:

• First Vow: For Nourishment and Prosperity "We vow to nourish and support each other, ensuring food, strength, and a prosperous life."

• Second Vow: For Strength and Resilience
  "We vow to develop our strength and courage to protect and uplift one another."

• Third Vow: For Wealth and Success
  "We vow to prosper together, fulfilling our duties and building a secure future."

• Fourth Vow: For Harmony and Happiness
  "We vow to create a life of mutual respect, love, and happiness."

• Fifth Vow: For Family and Children
  "We vow to care for our family and share responsibility for our children and loved ones."

• Sixth Vow: For Health and Longevity
  "We vow to stand by each other through all seasons of life, ensuring health and longevity."

• Seventh Vow: For Loyalty and Companionship
  "We vow to be loyal, faithful, and true companions for life."

If you’ve ever practiced Phil Stutz’ Inner Authority, then you’ve met your shadow and operationalized that relationship, aiming it at something you want from other people. Sometimes folks ask me what the effect of inviting their shadow will have on others. Hard to predict or even control. But I think this effect motivates me to use this tool sometimes. I often reach for Inner Authority in the hope that I can boost my level of presence, articulateness, creativity, and connection with others. And sometimes I hope it helps me boost the influence I have with others. It’s a little ego-ish, a little selfish… but there you have it. I want to increase my power in some social interactions. Even in my psychotherapeutic sessions.

Ideally, we’d come to realize that the whole point of the shadow relationship is the relationship itself, and the wholeness it brings. But I’ll admit it… I wasn’t exactly feeling whole when I first picked up The Tools and asked my shadow for help. In that desperate or fractured state, I started the relationship with a heavy mix of ego-centered motives. I find this to be one of the many graces of higher forces, they seem willing to meet me where I’m at, as long as I’m stepping forward.

So what is the effect we’re having on others when we use Inner Authority?, you might ask. I believe others will simply see you as more of you. Which is exactly what the world needs right now. I mean, what’s the alternative? More of someone else in the world? Do you suppose that more of others in the world is a good thing? At least with Inner Authority we’re getting on the side of the shadow… which is getting on the side of more of you, if only for a minute.

I believe others will find it more difficult to ignore you when you’re more whole. There is something wired into humans to take notice and pay closer attention when they encounter authenticity. People respond to the permission you’re giving them to heal their relationship with their soul, even their darkest shadows. If you see people responding to you with enthusiasm, assume their shadow is rewarding them just for paying attention to your shadow. Hard to say if you could even take credit for such a thing. So don’t. Pass the gratitude right along to your shadow.

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
— Oscar Wilde

One caveat. There is no guarantee that the enthusiasm coming at you and your shadow from the crowd will always be positive. You could just as easily inspire their fear and hatred, especially if they aren’t in the mood to discover the wonder of their shadow. Ultimately it’s still on you to become skilled at unlocking your shadow inwardly, while playing your best cards outwardly in the material world. There are tools for that, too. Let’s touch on those next time.

May we all unlock the shadow.

Thank you for indulging me.

Cheers!

-Denis

PSYCHOTHERAPY

A monthly newsletter exclusively for clients of Denis M. Kitchen, LMHC.

I’m not aware of any skill more powerful to predict your happiness, than the ability to discern what is within and without your control. To run this tool, simply recite the prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Reinhold Niebuhr wrote in one sentence what Epictetus found worthy to expound upon over an entire manual for living. 

I like to paraphrase this prayer in my own words, too:

Anything out of my control is none of my fucking business. It’s my job to play the cards I’m holding. If I lose, I plan to recover, start over, and keep playing.

Try re-writing the Serenity Prayer yourself to make it your own.

You don’t have to arrive at the right answer when you pray for serenity or ponder Epictetus. Getting the right answer is also outside your control. Instead, err on the side of Acceptance until it becomes clear that you do indeed hold cards worth your Courage to play. As for generating courage, your most potent tools will be Reversal of Desire, Cosmic Rage, and Inner Authority.

You don’t need faith that you will succeed. You do need a commitment to recover from failure. Make peace with the flawed parts of yourself who are prone to fail. These are also the parts of you who are most willing to take the first step. Where’s the gratitude for that?

This edition of Testify! is contributed by a coach at a prestigious high school known for winning championships. In the process of learning what he could and could not control, Coach discovered a shadow who met him before every game to engage in a ritual that proved they could show up for each other 100% of the time. At the height of Coach’s frustration with misconduct from the team, attacks on his career and reputation, and constant criticism from “the crowd”, Coach faced a pivotal decision. Should he or should he not continue to coach? At first, he thought he would balance this decision on the outcome of the next game. “If we win, I’ll coach another year”. But winning was not something he could control. Instead he made a decision to commit to showing up for the shadow; something he always controlled. Rather than demand of the shadow, “I’ll stick with you if we win.” He asked, ”Win or lose… what’s next for you and me?” The answer came back, “We coach another year. We do this our way.”

That same season they won the championship.

Because Coach made his commitment before the outcome, his shadow won’t wonder if his devotion depends solely on getting wins.

Now in the thick of that promised next year, coach still feels the pain, uncertainty, and ceaseless effort of moving forward through a challenging  season. One thing is not uncertain. Will he show up for his shadow?

Coaching has been my identity for more than half my life. The sport I'm involved in has been in my life for practically all of it. How I felt about myself has often been dependent on whether we won or lost. It's not something I've ever been proud of or really been able to shake. Working with my shadow has allowed me to identify the heart of this issue. The past season brought about issues I never dreamed of dealing with as a coach. Nightmares, I should say. The routines I established in therapy helped me not only to survive the onslaught, but come out of it a better me. I found a Shadow in me that needed and deserved love and protection. I focused on giving my Shadow what it needed...win or lose. The fact that we won was nice, but I learned that  the most important thing was that I acknowledged my Shadow and showed him gratitude no matter the result.

In the last two issues, I shared some details about my own personal shadows. This month I want to ask you a couple questions designed to help you find your own shadow. These questions are from a survey called, The Me I Cannot See.

Don’t answer the next question until you answer this first one. Find examples of such people. And “to be around” could also include reading their posts on social media, or encountering them in the news headlines, or on TV.

Once you have a specific person or type of person in mind. Ask yourself the next follow up question…

Can you find a moment in your childhood, or even last Tuesday where you exhibited that same dislikable quality? If so… get excited. You have just found a powerful ally.

Now try this one…

This one should be incredibly easy. If the news is to be trusted, you are revolted by fully half of the people in this country.

Now ask this follow up question…

When you answer this question, you’ll discover a protector. A part of you designed to prevent you from catastrophe. Ask this part, again with curiosity, “What can I do to gain your trust?”. Depending on how that conversation goes, this protector shadow may reward you with a purposeful task, and perhaps even a good night’s sleep.

Anyone who perceives his shadow and the light simultaneously sees himself from both sides and thus gets in the middle. 

C. G. Jung

May we all, one day, meet in the middle.

Thank you for indulging me.

Cheers!

-Denis

Art Credit: The Mother by Marjorie Kitchen

Ever get into the habit of throwing things in anger, screaming at people, driving recklessly, slamming doors, flipping people off, or punching holes in the wall? Congratulations. You’ve got rage. Chances are you’ve tried to cope with this by beating yourself up (yay! more rage). 

Assuming you’d prefer less mayhem in response to life’s insults and letdowns, try this after your next rage: 

Step 1: Close your eyes and put yourself back into the situation where you lashed out in rage. Feel the rage coming up, and notice that it creates a sensation somewhere in your body. Focus your awareness on that part of your body and make it more spacious. Now invite the rageful energy out of your body and into the room with you. Let it take full form as a person or creature. Regard it more fully with the benefit of a little distance. This is your Rage Shadow. 

Step 2: Without judgement. Get Curious. Ask your rage-shadow to show you in vivid detail what it REALLY wanted to do in that situation. As the movie directed by your rage plays out, feel the horror of the violence it was capable of combined with how powerless you feel to control it. 

Step 3: Catch that horror and transform it into gratitude. Realize that something far worse didn’t happen. Give your rage-shadow full credit for not making worse things happen. Tell it you realize now that you are at the mercy of its superior power. Of course, not everyone gets to feel the tremendous relief that you are feeling right now. Other folks landed in circumstances not nearly as tolerant or forgiving as yours. Beg your rage-shadow to lend you even more mercy going forward. Ask your shadow if there is anything you can do to help out with the massive burden it feels to protect you with its rage. If you catch a glimpse of something you can do tonight or tomorrow to share the load… promise your shadow you will do it.

Step 4: Take the action you promised in the previous step, and when you do, tell your rage-shadow, “See? I did what we agreed. I hope you’ll trust me more and more to shoulder your burden.”

You can read more about how this tool came to be in Parade of Shadows below.

This edition of Testify! is contributed by Hanni S. For years her rage would overtake her during the vulnerable stages of love relationships, often with demoralizing attacks of self-criticism and self-harm. After taking time to build an inner recovery-team of parts that included her rage, Hanni made the following discovery:

Picture this: You’re single, you have your dream job at your local ski resort, a new apartment, and you’ve had 16 months of blissful self-determined single-dom. After 20+ years of wrestling quite dramatically with the ins and outs of romantic relationships, you finally feel somewhat content and the only thing you wrestle with lately is the vintage furniture you’ve decided to fit into the aforementioned brand new tiny apartment. 

Along comes a man.

I was surprised that we seemed to genuinely be on the same wavelength, and the fact that he makes me laugh (sure, a simple, yet deceptively evasive trait in a man), plus, he’s not too bad on the eyes. So for a little while we flirt, I pretend to be interested in our chairlifts’ power-station (he’s an electrician), he pretends to have hurt his wrist a little so I can “check it” (I’m a patroller).

One day, he shows up at my station and proceeds to tell me that actually, he has a girlfriend of 6 years, who he lives with, but there’s trouble in the relationship, that he never felt like she was the one, and that he never thought he would ever talk to anyone the way he can talk to me, someone who happens to have the same dreams in life as he does.

At this point I should also mention he’s technically my boss. 

Any alarm bells going off yet? 

Well ...to me, before I learned to talk to all my parts, and not abandon one or the other, it wouldn’t have been alarm bells but a big fat green light! An invitation to have an intense, intoxicating, wild yet romantic, take-no-prisoners affair. 

• Unavailable? Check. 

• Imminent work hierarchy power play? Check.

• A few months of excitement followed by a dramatic ending? Check. 

• The fact that he has a habit of eating yoghurt during work breaks (We ski for a living. Skiing is cold, yoghurt is cold...why double down on the misery?) Weird and cause for concern? No...quirky and adorable: Check. 

As he was talking, I could feel my parts stirring: 

My little, quiet, young part, who learned that receiving love was contingent on how well we could cater to the unpredictable and dangerous moods of our caretaker. She would have run to him and said “if I love you hard enough, will you protect me and love me back and not abandon me?” 

My defiant part, who rejects Little One and her neediness, (I call her “Mustang”, ‘cause she’s a runner). She would have sensed the danger and started booking a long-haul flight to as remote a place as possible, immediately after he had left. 

My managers and my firefighters would have been in overdrive trying to keep it together, getting busy arranging my face and posture into something resembling an image of “normal, mature, person listening”, rather than “animal cornered, panic raging and fear stricken”. 

Nobody in that scenario feels safe or heard. Not me, not my parts, and probably not the man making himself vulnerable in that moment. 

In therapy I had learned to listen to all of my parts, but until now, I could only do it after the fact. Never in the actual moment. It always felt like a debrief in a room full of hardworking dedicated peers who “weren't angry ... just disappointed“. I wasn’t their leader. I was their ill equipped, overwhelmed, promoted-beyond-her-abilities consultant, who happens to know the owner. My parts felt like they were forced to play a rigged game, usually resulting in revolt, driven by such intense inner pain, the only way out was to beat me up. So they (I) did. Figuratively and literally. 

But something changed. This time, I led us all to safety. 

As the electrician commenced his confessional, just like I had been taught, I took a physical step back and announced to all my increasingly frantic parts: “Alright fam. Let’s gather round. Thank you for joining this shit show. Now let’s do this in real time: You tell me what you need, why you think you need it, and no matter what it is, I am just grateful for all of you trying so hard”.

Oh boy were they ready to talk. In my head, it became louder, messier, scarier, braver, more conflicted than ever before. As I tried to listen astutely internally, my external nods were interpreted by the electrician as encouragement to keep talking, and I’ll be totally honest, I missed most of what he was saying. I think we (my parts and I) were all collectively surprised at the sudden show of leadership, and as their chatter died down, they quickly huddled around each other and ensued to tell me in unison “tell him that words mean nothing and we need action” So that’s what I told the electrician. That even though I genuinely appreciate his honesty, at the end of the day, it’s action before words. That he owes this conversation to his girlfriend, who after 6 years of enduring his yoghurt habit, can’t be too bad a gal. And though I like him back, the fact is, that I am single and he is not. Mind you, it didn't come out as smoothly as this reads, but the message was conveyed.

Most well adjusted adults would say “well, of course that is what you said. It is the only correct, respectable, yet kind answer”. Well, to me, this was no natural or easy feat. It was a huge, HUGE, accomplishment. I know this, because all I felt after, were the cheers and clapping by all my parts, who, for the first time in their lives had their needs and wants respected and protected in real time. They cheered for what now had become an equal footed negotiation, rather than an emotional drive-by shooting.

If you had told me 5 years ago I would walk out of a conversation with someone I could potentially love—who’d just told me he has a girlfriend—feeling joyous, I would have asked to buy whatever magic drug you were on …in bulk. 

This was not achieved after a couple of clever books about family systems or a podcast by some ex navy seal, but by working with a therapist who patiently shows the way and never judges me. In part, it also took the stability of that relationship to see that I could trust myself. Because if nothing else, at least I kept showing up and he kept supporting me.

So who knows where we’ll go from here, but if rage is where you’re stuck at, talking to your parts is essentially an invitation to an even greater adventure.

I discovered Grateful Rage when I came as close as ever to wiping out my family in a road rage incident. If you had been there, you would have simply seen me flip someone off as they passed me on the highway. It’s something I never do. And to do it at 55 years old and into my 10th year practicing emotional regulation skills, the gesture made me ashamed. What kind of therapist acts like this? The darker truth was, the rage I felt just before the finger flew was so intense, that I could see and feel an alternate timeline unfold in which I slammed on the brakes and set the world on fire, ending forever the discourtesy of the person tailgating me at 80 miles an hour. It scared me. And it was in that moment of violent clarity and self loathing I discovered a part of myself that wanted my gratitude. He wanted me to be grateful that he didn’t do something far and away much worse than what happened.

As soon as I saw what he was capable of, I realized that he had tremendous mercy on me that day. It was clear HE had control, not me, and that if he wanted to, he could have made my life a hellscape of regret, and yet he didn’t. I trembled and thanked him for sparing me. And from that moment forward I began to feel a trust arising. The deeply violent part of me was the most “for me” force in the universe… and willing to be so to a fault. And if I wanted to increase my chances of peace and calm, it would behoove me to return the favor and get on his side just as much as he’s on my side.

You would think that the least likely moment to generate gratitude would be when you are raging. Well get used to this pattern. Become a connoisseur of dissonant days like this, where you bridge, like some kind of corpus callosum, two states of mind that clash in paradox. If you can hang in there with the dissonance long enough (maybe only a brief moment or two) you will synthesize a new reality. In Marsha Linehan’s Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) this skill is called Holding Two Truths.

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. 

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

May we all transform this century’s Roaring 20s (Raging 20s?) into the next Jazz Age.

Thank you for indulging me. Cheers!

-Denis

Tool of the month - DEFUSION

Testify! - Christian G.

Parade of Shadows - The Dude

Stergios is a Social Worker in Rochester, NY and has contributed hours of compassionate care and laughter to folks at The LENS. As an avid participant in ecstatic Native American rites such as sweat lodge, sundance, and vision quest, Stergios is a constant source of fully embodied wisdom. We spoke today about the tragedy of being an unwanted child, abandonment, healing, and ways Stergios has found his home. What is home?

Reach out to Stergios at LinkedIn.

Earlier in the show…

Denis announced his private psychotherapy practice.

The LENS had their Spring 2021 Retreat in June on the shores of Lake Erie near Buffalo, NY. They are planning 3 more retreats between now and September 2022. Your next opportunity to participate is September 2021 (this time on the shores of Lake Ontario near Rochester, NY). After that there will be 2 more retreats near Buffalo on Lake Erie again. For a full schedule of the events planned please contact [email protected]. The wonderful setting for my conversation with Stergios is Love In Motion Yoga provided courtesy of Kathleen Engelhardt.