THE LOUDEST PODCAST

By Asterios Kokkinos & SiranchaComedy Comedy Interviews Improv

THE LOUDEST PODCAST episodes

March 30, 2018 Waifu Wars 002: Misa Amane vs You Watanabe…with Mumkey Jones!
Hey! If you've already seen this episode on my YouTube station – apologies. If not...listen up! And watch the fun at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59jpi5dIKLE
48 min
March 28, 2018 Porg Chatter #2: Porgcentricity
We bought a porg! He's gigantic and adorable, and you'll hear all about him in this brand new episode of Porg Chatter.
33 min
March 27, 2018 Asterios Kills A Kid #3: Cuss Control
A kid calls the teacher "Dad", a teen's edgelord friends are growing up, and a boy is literally fighting off girl's advances.----more----
This is Producer Jesse, apologizing in advance for the language you will hear on this episode of Asterios Kills a Kid. It is so obscene that I had to use an experimental censorship algorithm to make just this description palatable. Listen at your own risk.
If you're a kid, and want Asterios to ██████ your ████████, you can initiate that here.
Our first writer is a kid with some serious daddy issues:
“Hi, i had this uncomfortable experience last week. During math class last week I accidentally called the teacher "dad", even though he's not my dad, and I like my real dad very much. My friends made fun of me for that all the time for the rest of the week. I am afraid this was not the last time this will happen, because I sometimes mix up people like that. How do I properly save face the next time it happens?” — Mendez, 11
You can't change what you said in the past, but you can uproot the lives of everyone around you to save face, and that's exactly what Asterios and Sriracha recommend. They also swap public ███████ stories if you're into that kind of thing.
Next up is a question from the aptly named CRINGE.
“My trio of friends used to make nothing but gay Jokes and edgy suicide jokes. However I recently found out that one of my friends is clinically depressed and the other is actually gay. Now our friend dynamic is really awkward because we don't wanna say the wrong things anymore. Any advice?” — CRINGE, 16
The court of this young edgelord grows ever bare, and he finds himself at a crossroads. Should he continue making fun of people using gay slurs, or grow up and make fun of them in other more creative ways? Like a fucking spaghetti brained cuck bitch, Asterios says to "█████ ██ ███ ████"
Finally, all the way from Finland, a young boy writes:
“Girl told me she liked me. I panicked and ran away from her. Older kid came to find me and lead me back to her, but I kinda beat him up. I dont want to go back to school anymore, what should I do?” — Jyri from Finland, 10
████████ and Sriracha applaud Jyri's game with the ladies and send him on his way, ignoring his genuine ████ and underlying ████████.

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Do you have any advice for these kids? Let us know in the comments!
And if you have a question for ████████ and Sriracha, visit the Submit Question page.

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TRANSCRIPT:
[Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays, starting loud, then fading.]
Asterios: Welcome to episode three of Asterios Kills a Kid. I'm Asterios Kokkinos. We got Sriracha here.
Sriracha: Hi!
Asterios: Um, thank you guys so much for supporting the show. Uh, we got a lot of great comments and feedback from the last episode. Um, this show is, you know, a children's advice podcast. So if you go to asterioskillsakid.com, you can- uh there's a- a section where your kids can ask us questions. Um, some of these questions are very clearly not from kids.
Sriracha: Yeah.
Asterios: Uh, I have one right here... it's uh- I guess- well let me read it. It says, "How do I get a thicc bitch to slob on my peepee im a patron and so this question better fucking get on the podcast," signed didey, sixteen years old.
Sriracha: [sighs] Folks, I don't know what to tell ya. This bait is so low energy that Jeb Bush could probably do better. I think when I have- on Porg Chatter we don't take bait like this. We take bait seriously and when I have a big podcast with sponsors we are gonna make bait great again. Not this low energy garbage that you're sending in.
Asterios: Wow. Well didey, thanks for supporting me on Patreon.
Sriracha: Go fuck yourself.
Asterios: Sorry you're getting the shit slapped out of you by my co-host here, but I'm on your side... uh until the moment you stop supporting me on Patreon, and then at that point I call your bait lower energy than Marco Rubio is tall. Um, alright! We got some listener comments too. KEK7go writes, "Srriacha is a funny and beautiful regardless what she thinks of herself. Asterious is a lucky man to have her writing his jokes.
Sriracha: That guy is real nice. He was real nice to me on the livestream too.
Asterios: Yeah! Well you- you know why he's writing this though, because in episode two - in our last episode of Asterios kills a kid - you went on an extended rant about you- your... your size-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Small tits. You can just say...
Asterios: [interjecting] I don't want to, you-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Smaaall tits.
Asterios: And you kept saying like, "Oh I'm not-" and it's like, you- it's not small. You d- you're not in a small situation.
Sriracha: I feel like everytime I bring up the size of my breasts you're like, have you ever seen- one of the hundreds of Medium articles that's like, "I hate it when people say, 'I'm not fat, I'm beautiful.' Why can't I be both?" It's a mathematical fact that I have small tits.
Asterios: You have-
Sriracha: [interjecting] They're fine lookin' tits! But they're very small!
Asterios: Can we- can I say that- can I get specific?
Sriracha: Go ahead, go for it.
Asterios: Don't you have thirty four Bs?
Sriracha: Thirty two.
Asterios: Okay, thirty two Bs. "B" stands for "big".
Sriracha: [laughs] Does it?
Asterios: Yeah, exactly. And thirty two is only four away from the- from the gold standard of- of size, which is thirty six.
Sriracha: See, I think that small tits can look fine. Small tits look good in clothes, like I never have to wear a bra - anywhere - and it doesn't look obscene and I can run up and down steps and my tits don't hurt, but man, motherfuckin', I was lookin' at this brothel website the other night?
Asterios: [loudly] UH HUUHH.
Sriracha: Lookin' at one o- legal ones. One of the legal ones, the Bunny Ranch in Nevada.
Transcriber's Note: Here's the link the site https://www.bunnyranch.com/ NSFW of course.
Asterios: [in the background] MHMMM.
Sriracha: And I'm lookin' at these girl's statistics - 'cause they list all their vital stats like their measurements - and they're all claiming to have D cups, even when they very clearly- like bitch, I'm lookin' at you with my eyes. I can see that those are not D cups, those are Bs on a good day. Why do they do that? Do they think that just be- like- there's a whole category of people that love small tits.
Asterios: [mouth opening sound]
Sriracha: Just, you gotta work with what you got. You should be marketing to that niche demographic instead of lying about it.
Asterios: Okay. Well. You've given us a lot to unpack. [Sriracha laughs] I guess my first question is, what are you doing on this website?
Sriracha: Lookin' at big tittied bitches, next question.
Asterios: That is- but you could see women... you could see beautiful women anywhere. You're very specifically on brothel websi- are you... what's goin' on here?
Sriracha: I just like lookin' at them and readin' their little bios, 'cause they all have to write like a bio about themselves, and I look for the ones with the best spelling and grammar and then compare that to how they look in the face and the body [laughs] areas.
Asterios: Wow.
Sriracha: Surprisingly it's a- what's it called? It's a- when one goes up the other goes down?
Asterios: It's a- it's an inverse relationship? The hotter the face the worse the spelling?
Sriracha: [talking over] Yeah! It's an inverse- inverse- yeah.
Asterios: Wow. Okay. I'm learning a lot about Sriracha.
Sriracha: The hotter the face the worse the grammatical structure.
Asterios: I'm not- I- I have no evidence to agree or disagree with this. Sounds anti-feminist to me but at the same time, I'm not reading these brothel websites so I-
Sriracha: [mocking vocalization]
Asterios: -shouldn't be talking- wait, what'd you say?
Sriracha: [mocking voice] Well I think that women are valuable regardless of their looks or their grammar skills Asterios so.
Asterios: Goddamn I g-
Sriracha: [interjecting in same voice] I didn't make a statement on their worth I was just saying- what are you saying that ugly women are worth less than attractive women?
Asterios: I'm really getting served here. I'm really-
Sriracha: That's my "gorilla mind" working. [laughs]
Asterios: It's really really good. I'm always- I'm constantly getting out-maneuvered by Sriracha. That- this is my whole life now. Okay, we have another- oh God I don't even wanna say this username.
Sriracha: [unintelligible]
Asterios: Clinton BLANK Victim... [Sriracha laughs] ... on reddit writes, "Asterios, not to be a stick in the mud, but wasp do-" oh I can't read any of this. Okay. I guess at some point in episode 2, you brought up the idea of wasp sexual assault.
Sriracha: Oh, this is talking about how wasps have to force themselves on other wasps?
Asterios: I don't know. I don't remember this. I was pretty drunk when we recorded episode 2.
Sriracha: Oh yeah, fun fact kids: um, if you can guess the exact line that I blacked out on while filming that episode you will get a special episode of "Porg Chatter," just for you. You could release it, you could keep it in your basement and masturbate to it, I don't care. It'll be your episode, you could do whatever you want with it. You could not even listen to it just throw it into the highway. [laughs]
Asterios: You know what? I'll also include a Santa Asterios T-Shirt because... I have way too many of them.
Sriracha: And I remember it like a fuckin' bell. Clear as-
Asterios: [interjecting] Your favorite episode?
Sriracha: No, the line- what I said and then I blacked out.
Asterios: Ah that's so great. Okay, well, look bottom line this guy is saying that wasps do in fact... assault each other like... that.
Sriracha: Don't all animals so that though?
Asterios: I- I can only read what Clinton BLANK Victim on reddit [Sriracha laughs] tells- I- I'm really out of my element here. I'm out of my element. This is like, I don't know anything about this world. This guy's just- he- okay here we go, he is giving me a link to the "Parasitoid Wasp-"
Sriracha: [interjecting] Don't click that.
Asterios: I won't. "Some of these nasty... fuckers-" again. Language.
Sriracha: [interjecting] I like how the word "fuckers" is the one that you're really hung up on here.
Asterios: I don't like any- "these nasty fuckers paralize the victim then lay an e- these nasty fuckers paralize the victim then lay the egg inside the victim, so larvae eats it after hatching and the caught insect can't do shit since it's paralized." [sighs] I just wanted to make like a comedy podcast, not a podcast where I learn about how insects destroy each other from the inside out.
Sriracha: Yeah I don't like this. I thought this was gonna be like, you ever see cats fuck?
Asterios: Nooo.
Sriracha: Cat's uh- it's hilarious.
Asterios: Okay.
Sriracha: You can look it up on youtube. It's like, I guess male cats have barbed penises? So like the cat'll be sitting there and the- he has to like hold the other cat- female cat down and then they start boning. And the cat just like screams at him and tries to scratch him and bite him. I didn't know it was gonna involve death.
Asterios: Yeah, I mean it's. Animals are real... you know what-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Well Bill Clinton BLANK victim this is a comedy podcasts so take your weird fetishes somewhere else.
Asterios: Yeah okay Sriracha thank you for jumping in 'cause I am really at a loss for words. Uh, I'm gonna move us onto the third question just because again, my mind has been destroyed by like- 'cause now all I can think about is cats do- having- now all I can think about is cats mating.
Sriracha: I can't believe you have never seen those videos.
Asterios: No I'm not really goin' out of my way to look at videos of cats boning each other.
Sriracha: I have a picture of a bee vagina if you're interested in seeing it.
Asterios: Wha- do you really?
Sriracha: No. I did at one point. [Asterios laughs]
Asterios: Oh my God, okay. And finally our third and last comment, a submission to the site reads, "Which one of you is wearing the pants in the relationship?" Signed Maxi.
Sriracha: [mock offended voice] Well that's not very feminist of you Maxi.
Asterios: Nice, keep goin', keep givin' it to him.
Sriracha: I dunno- what's a- what's the actual answer? I genuinely don't know.
Asterios: Oh, um. I feel like in our relationship, it's kinda like who cares about whatever we have to do more wins.
Sriracha: Yeah you're right.
Asterios: Like, today I wanted to sleep all day, and all night, and Sriracha's like, "Asterios you- you have to at some point make comedy at some point if you're gonna call yourself a comedian." She's like, "You're gonna have to wake up and just bullshit into a podc- into a microphone for an hour. This isn't that hard. You're not like a fuckin' coal miner or something-" I mean look she didn't say these things she was just like, "Hey Asterios you wanna record? Hey, you know, Asterios why don't you record?" But it's just like-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Asterios for the love of God you need to do something.
Asterios: [laughs] Yeah exactly! You know, so it's like well today I guess she was in charge. But sometimes, I... really wanna like eat sushi? And I'll be like, "We're gettin' sushi." And she'll be like, "Yeah." So it's like, you know, we take turns.
Sriracha: Yeah, you gotta really care about what we're doin'. Like sometimes I drag you to the Gossier pop up in Manhattan, just to watch me play with fuckin' makeup for an hour.
Asterios: I just thought that was cute.
Sriracha: And you gotta sit there like a bitch.
Asterios: Okay, well, now I think we're starting to find who's wearing the pants in the relationship. We're gonna start using loaded language. No, I had a lot of fun in the Glossier store! I thought it was real cute. You know what, there was just like a bunch of hot girls walking around, putting on makeup, and I'm just like, "It's my job not to stare at any of these girls while my girlfriend's here." It was very difficult.
Sriracha: Somebody brought a dog in, I don't feel like that should be allowed.
Asterios: No, I generally don't think that a dog should be running around a makeup sample warehouse but um...
Sriracha: You're gonna give everybody herpes. Like Sephora.
Asterios: I'm sorry, what?
Sriracha: Everybody at Sephora got herpes that one time, remember?
Asterios: No.
Sriracha: Beca- [laughs]
Asterios: What are you talking about?
Sriracha: Okay so somebody with herpes went into a Sephora, and you know how they have all those little testers?
Asterios: Ye- okay.
Sriracha: Well the herpes victim put- rubbed their fuckin' lips all over all everything I guess.
Asterios: Wait, like on purpose? Like fuck- fuckin' unabomber but with herpes?
Sriracha: I don't know. I like to- I like to image that scenario now. I hadn't been thinking of it that way but I'm all for domestic terrori- oops. [Asterios and Sriracha laugh] Um.
Asterios: Alright, I'm gonna take us into some questions before we get into trouble.
Sriracha: Yeah good idea.
Asterios: Alright. Our first question reads, "Hi, i had this uncomfortable experience last week." Oh by the way, these are all real questions, from real kids, who really need our help. Uh, submission on the site reads, "Hi, i had this uncomfortable experience last week. During math class last week I accidentally called the teacher 'dad'-"
Sriracha: Oooh.
Asterios: "-even though he's not my dad, and I like my real dad very much. My friends made fun of me for that all the time for the rest of the week. I am afraid this was not the last time this will happen, because I sometimes mix people up like that. How do I properly save face the next time it happens?" That's Mendez, age eleven.
Sriracha: Is that a girl name or a boy name?
Asterios: I don't- well wait. Which is worse? And why? Let's discuss.
Sriracha: Okay so if you're a girl you don't have to do anything because we have this thing called "Daddy Kink" now? [laughs] So-
Asterios: [interjecting] You brought up daddy kink on episode one.
Sriracha: Yeah so you-
Asterios: [interjecting] You've already...
Sriracha: Get a tumblr, start wearin' pastel chokers at American Apparel, uh tennis skirts and just- you need to roll with it. You're now "Daddy Girl" so be like, "Hey daddy, lookin' like a snack today."
Asterios: Is there any child's problem that you think can't be solved with daddy daughter sexual role play?
Sriracha: Most of them I would say.
Asterios: Okay it seems like that's what you do think. Um, well calling the teacher dad is... that's a couple of months worth of like, mental hard-drive space in your classmates. Like, I try to think of like childhood fuck-ups, like, "how long will this be fun or interesting to talk about?" Months, calling your teacher dad, that's a bad one.
Sriracha: But it's gonna occupy- the most important thing to remember is it's gonna occupy much more real estate in your mind-
Asterios: [inerjecting] That's a good point!
Sriracha: Than in anyone else's. Oh man, I have like a terabyte of [laughs] painful childhood memories downloaded into my... CPU in my brain.
Asterios: It's really hard-
Sriracha: [interjecting] It's like, you ever been just layin' in bed at night and it's like, "Hey, remember when you pissed yourself in school?" [laughs]
Asterios: Oh no I did piss myself in school once.
Sriracha: Tell me your story 'cause I've done it at like an inappropriate age I believe.
Asterios: Oh okay. I think I was in second grade and I was giving a book report about a Garfield book. And I really had to go to the bathroom but I was really nervous 'cause like I had to finish my report, and so bottom line like, you know... I'm pretty much just readin' the back cover of like a Garfield Treasury. I'm just like, you know, "Garfield is ten and he's fat and fabulous." Like, "Join- join Jon, Odie Nermall and the gang-" and then pee just started running [Sriracha laughs] down the leg of one of my Catholic school trousers?
Sriracha: Oh noo.
Asterios: Because we had little Catholic school uniforms and I remember this so clearly. So we had little Catholic school uniforms so we had to wearsuit pants. And we had to wear suit pants that... we were super pleated in the front? You know what I mean?
Sriracha: To hide the shame boners.
Asterios: Yes, to hide the shame boners- but all the way down the leg too. So like, the front- our legs were like-
Sriracha: [interjecting] What?
Asterios: - little kinda, they had like little tented openings. Be-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Little accordion legs?
Asterios: Ah- hmm. No how do I describe this. Alright, imagine like a military dress uniform. Like, it's ironed flat so that like- alright so- so imagine-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Oh so you got the- you got the sharp part runnin' down the front of the pants.
Asterios: [interjecting] The sharp part going down the front of the leg like a sharp pleat. Which of course help the pee run down it, it acts like as a pee pee gutter.
Sriracha: Oh no.
Asterios: To like help aim and guide the pee. And so um, so that was embarrassing and I've never forgotten it.
Sriracha: Guess what grade I pissed my pants in. Last.
Asterios: Ninth grade.
Sriracha: Sixth motherfuckin' grade.
Asterios: Okay.
Sriracha: It was-
Asterios: [interjecting] What happened?
Sriracha: I remember it clear as a fuckin' bell. I [laughs] was sitting at lunch, and my friend Madison told a funny joke, and for so- I don't remember what the fuckin' joke was, but I wish I could because I lost my goddamn mind. I started laughing, and laughing, in hysterics. I was so- I was laughing so hard I think I almost lo- went insane. And just all of a sudden, the dam burst and I pissed my pants. And I'm sittin' there, and I'm like, "I don't know what to do. What am I gonna do?" So I got like a- at the time the style was like you had sweat shirts that you tied around your waist.
Asterios: Yeah.
Sriracha: So I had a sweatshirt tied around my waist and I'm like, "What do I do? Do I like- if I like sit on this maybe this'll soak up some of the piss." And so I do it, and that's just making it worse, so I'm like, "Oh my God what am I gonna do." There's like a lot of piss. I would say probably about... two to three cups of piss.
Asterios: Mhmm.
Sriracha: Soaking into now my sweatshirt, and my jeans. So, excuse myself, I run as fast as I can to the nurses office. And I'm li- [stammering] I'm like, "Hi I sat in water at lunch and I need-" like, did you ever- high or middle school have this like when girls came to school dressed like sloots they'd send them down to the um... nurses office to change into a pair of like, school approved pants?
Asterios: No but-
Sriracha: [interjecting] You didn't have that?
Asterios: I went to like a teeny tiny high school out in the country where like, I think they would just send you home, if you came dre- if you came to school dressed inappropriately.
Sriracha: Really ca-
Asterios: [interjecting] I think they would just call your parents.
Sriracha: Well half the kids at our school didn't have parents so. [laughs]
Asterios: Okay.
Sriracha: They had a box in the nurses office of just extra pairs of ugly-ass sweat pants and jeans and I was like, "Yeah I um sat in some water at lunch. So could I get a pair of the replacement sweatpants and bring them back tomorrow?" And the little bitch at the- of course she could smell it. She's lookin' at me like, "Bitch you pissed your pants, don't lie to me." But she's like- thankfully is uh gracious enough not to say anything. And just hands me a pair of sweatpants and gives me a bag for my pants covered- and sweatshirt now soaked in piss.
Asterios: Oh my God.
Sriracha: And yeah, these are the things that keep me awake at night.
Asterios: Okay, so nobody noticed!
Sriracha: Oh dude I have no idea who noticed.
Asterios: Nobody noticed.
Sriracha: Nobody said anything to me.
Asterios: You would be piss-pants girl the very next year. For the next year you'd be piss-pants girl.
Sriracha: Coulda been piss-pants girl behind my back. Nobody will ever know.
Asterios: Is that- oh right, lady bullying is different than boy bullying...
Sriracha: Yeaah, hell yeah.
Asterios: With boy bullying they'd make up a song about you and just sing it to your face. But lady bullying- uh oh there was probably like secret text chats going on.
Sriracha: Right, there was definitely like a one of those pager things they had- at some point they had pagers for kids.
Asterios: Yes they did oh my God.
Sriracha: Like, "Hey, oh look who's here, piss-pants decided to show up on time."
Asterios: Jesus Christ. Okay, I found the solution for this kid.
Sriracha: What is it.
Asterios: You gotta make this teacher your dad.
Sriracha: Oh shit! Good answer.
Asterios: I th-
Sriracha: [interjecting] But he says he loves his dad.
Asterios: That's fine, you can have two daddies. Like, you gotta- that's double the dads! Double the fun!
Sriracha: How's your bitch of a mom?
Asterios: Okay well I mean I we- we're really jumping to conclusions about the mom, but, you know, break up your parents, reverse parent trap. Break- get your parents to divorce. Introduce your mom to the teacher.
Sriracha: Or your dad.
Asterios: Or your dad- wait, or your dad and the teacher! Thank you, again how hetero-normative of me. And um-
Sriracha: And then you could tell all of the kids that you were psychic.
Asterios: [gasps] Yes! Oh my God! And then you can like ask the kids to like, how do y- how can you use your psychic powers? You can start to like tell their fortunes and futures in exchange for like c- the- the desserts in their school lunches.
Sriracha: And you could really fuck up your enemies that way too.
Asterios: Oh yeah, because you start to say like, "You're gonna get hit by a car on the way home." And then they're thinkin' to themselves like, "Oh no oh no I am," and they're so worried about it that they're so distracted when they're crossing the street that a car does hit them with the self-fulfilling prophesy!
Sriracha: Right, and you could tell them thing like, "Oh, you're gonna get pregnant at sixteen," and then they'll be worryin' about that for five fuckin' years.
Asterios: Yeah, until the moment they become pregnant at sixteen. 'Cause you- because now that you've put it in their head they're kinda like, "Well, as long as it's my destiny, time to get my swerve on." [Sriracha laughs] Is that a thing?
Sriracha: I've never heard it before but it sounds correct.
Asterios: Okay. So, bottom line: Mendez, find a way to somehow make this person your dad? Um, two dad means double Christmas presents. Two dads uh means you know, if one of them is bad a baseball the other one can be the- you know- the other one can work with you in the like the daddy uhh daughter, daddy son baseball league.
Sriracha: Hilarious opportunity for a Modern Family situation.
Asterios: I'm listening.
Sriracha: Haven't you ever seen Modern Family? Got a family with two dads. On one's a serious one, and one's the fun one that likes musical theatre.
Asterios: Which one's the fun one? The big fat guy?
Sriracha: Yeah.
Asterios: Okay, story checks out. Um-
Sriracha: The other one's a hard-ass accountant- er lawyer. I dunno I think he's a lawyer.
Asterios: Yeah I dunno. I-
Sriracha: I haven't seen that show in forever.
Asterios: Every time I'm wa- every time I try to watch Modern Family I just get sad.
Sriracha: Why?
Asterios: 'Cause I dun- alright I mean this is gonna be- this is gonna sound dumb. It's just uh, because I feel like Ed O'Neill deserved more. A long time ago Ed O'Neill was supposed to be the role of Al Swearengen in Deadwood. And like, Ed O'Neill apparently has like incredibly serious Chicago dramatic chops. Um, but because he played Al Bundy so well, now everyone only wants to cast him as Al Bundy, and he can only be Al Bundy. Um, and so- and so it kinda makes me sad that like, the only other Ed O'Neill Role is "Old Man Al Bundy."
Sriracha: Uh yeah, it's the same thing with uh, who is the- name of the act- Steve Carrell?
Asterios: Yeah.
Sriracha: Apparently he did Michael Scott so well that they can't can't cast him at anything else but "Dumb incompetence idiot"
Asterios: Yup.
Sriracha: For the rest of his life? But apparently he's got- he's like a hardcore- he used to be a theatre actor or something?
Asterios: He was a- yeah. Steve Carrell was like a- a- huge in Second City, he- like, like you know he did a lot of improv training. Um, and he- he's acting in some really serious parts in indie films because the only way he could get a role that's not him being like a bumbling uncle, is if the movie pays him ten dollars and like shoots out in the desert somewhere, and it's him and a bunch of no-name actors.
Sriracha: Yeah. Uh-huh. Aw man, poor guys.
Asterios: [interjecting] Yeah I know.
Sriracha: They're just too rich and famous.
Asterios: That's [laughs]. Alright, uh movin' on to our next question: CRINGE writes...
Sriracha: Oh boy...
Asterios: Uh, "My trio of friends used to make nothing but gay Jokes and edgy suicide jokes. However I recently found out that one of my friends is clinically depressed and the other is actually gay. Now our friend dynamic is really awkward because we don't wanna say the wrong things anymore. Any advice?" I will say this: my friends and I all had to like have a sit-down summit about not using the word "gay" as a pejorative.
Sriracha: H-ooh what year was this?
Asterios: This was, unfortunat- okay here's what happened. I never really used it as a pejorative in grade school, or high school, or middle school. Like, I went to a teeny tiny school. My graduating class was 42 kids. We- we wouldn't go that hard at each other. It's- we knew each other our whole lives. But, when I got to college, me and my friend Joan started calling everything gay [Sriracha laughs]. We were like, "That's so gay, you're so gay, this food tastes gay, this line is so gay it's taking so long," and- and so we had to- I remember like having- I remember us getting together in a dorm room and being like, "We have to- we've been using the word 'gay' ironically so often that now we're using it way t- for real."
Sriracha: Oh really?
Asterios: Yeah! And so we had to stop. And of course, you know, Joan later came out as trans, so it was like, "Oh, double reason not to use pejoratives."
Sriracha: Yeaah, I had to do the same. I had to un-train myself to calling people R-tards.
Asterios: Yeah. It's hard 'cause it's the funni- I hate to say it but it is the funniest word.
Sriracha: [quietly] Fuck. [normal volume] Aw in one high school my- my catchphrase was "window licker."
Asterios: What?
Sriracha: That's what I would call people.
Asterios: You would call- that's great! Wait, why would you call them window licker?
Sriracha: That is not great. That is analogous to calling someone an R-tard.
Asterios: I d- I've never heard the phrase before so I wasn't aware of the baggage.
Sriracha: Oh okay well it basically means the same thing like [window licking sounds].
Asterios: Ooooh, I thought it was something you invented.
Sriracha: No. [laughs]
Asterios: Oh. Don't call anybody that. Ooh-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Yeah you don't gotta tell me. "Gay food" [laughs]
Asterios: For the- you know for a long time I start- not for a long time but there was like a month when I was like, alright, so I used- I loved watching the Venture Brothers cartoon in college? And one of the characters called another character a "mo". And I was like, "Oh that's so funny, it just means like dumb idiot." So I'd call people or things "mo," and then my friend was like, "No that's short for... homo."
Sriracha: Oh shit.
Asterios: And I was like, "Ooohh... I'm so so sorry I did not- I didn't know that."
Sriracha: First time I heard the word "dago" I was poppin' around "dago dago dago"
Asterios: Oooh God, okay.
Sriracha: I think you're thinking that's much worse than it actually is.
Asterios: I think you don't realize how bad it is.
Sriracha: Oh okay, I'm sorry if there are any Italians.
Asterios: [laughs] Ooh ho fuck! Can you try not to put such a stink- anyway [Sriracha laughs] um, you know- alright. Man, uh, CRINGE, age sixteen, here's what I want you to do: go on youtube and Vine and whatever the hell kids watch. There are like forty-year-old men making gay and suicide jokes on their youtube live-streams. If you look in like, some parts of the Internet where people are doing comedy, they are still acting like edgy teenagers. This is your chance to not do that.
Sriracha: To be fair though, 'cause let me just put this out there.
Asterios: Sure.
Sriracha: Depressed people? Make the most suicide jokes out of anybody.
Asterios: Oh that's right. Okay. That's true! Yeah, until the last suicide joke they make. It's almost as if it's a... a way to express a pent up feeling in a safe way.
Sriracha: Hell yeeah.
Asterios: It's almost as if they are uh (quote) crying for (quote) help, when they make those jokes.
Sriracha: Hell yeah brother. [both laugh]
Asterios: Oh my God. Uh, yeah. I mean I guess my advice is, look, if we tell you not to use these words because they're bad you'll want to use them twice as much. It's why I want to use the "R"- the "R"- the "R" word that means dumb? That I don't even want to s- I don't even want to allude to it? You know the one you were just saying?
Sriracha: Yeah.
Asterios: Kay.
Sriracha: I wasn't saying it, I was saying "R-tard."
Asterios: I know you were. I don't even wanna say that.
Sriracha: Oh okay.
Asterios: That's how bad I feel. But- no wait- backsliding. I think the word "tard" is very very funny and I can't get- and I can't- and I'm- I'm in my mid-thirties and it's just like, that's it for me. It's over.
Sriracha: You gotta think up your own insults. [Asterios gasps] And you can do it- mine was "Spaghetti" for the longest time? Spaghetti Brain? I was callin' people spaghetti brain? And that- you just need to find something that tickles you, personally. And for me it's spaghetti. [laughs]
Asterios: Yeah, I remember you were always like- I remember you were always like, "You got so much spagoo up in your brain." Like this is where you actually started to change spaghetti around to like "spageet" or "spugett".
Sriracha: [laughs] Spugoat.
Asterios: Spugoot.
Sriracha: My favorite for the longest time was after somebody said something stupid, maybe instead of saying, "Hey that's R-Word" you'd be like, "Wow, your pockets just beat out Italy as the world's number on producer of pasta there." [laughs]
Asterios: That's so good. You're very good at dressing people down. Something that I've told my friends before is like one of the reasons I don't wanna- I wouldn't wanna break up with Sriracha would be... I think she would cyber-bully me for the rest of my life.
Sriracha: Hell yeah brother!
Asterios: On like twenty different alt-accounts. It would just be some sort of non-stop cyber warfare.
Sriracha: Dustin I'm really sorry.
Asterios: [laughs] Oh my God. Okay. Uh, third question. Um, "A Girl told me-" and you know what let's- let's make this the last question.
Sriracha: Mkay.
Asterios: Because unfortunately I have work at 9am tomorrow.
Sriracha: Yeah I'm tired.
Asterios: I have to be up at seven thirty. Okay. Uh, question number three, "Girl told me she liked me. I panicked and ran away from her. Older kid came to find me and lead me back to her, but I kinda beat him up. I dont want to go back to school anymore, what should I do?" We got-
Sriracha: The fuck you mean you "kind of beat him up?"
Asterios: Bu- hmm.
Sriracha: 'Cause that makes it sound like an accident. How the fuck do you suck dick on accident?
Asterios: [laughs] Oh my God. Alright. I mean I guess, let's look at this charitably, 'cause this is a person that's written to us for help.
Sriracha: Okay.
Asterios: So we should give him benefit of the doubt before... [mumbling] making fun of them and trying to destroy their self esteem. Um...
Sriracha: Oh I'm not trying to destroy nobody's self esteem! Good for you bud, you're gonna be drownin' in puss.
Asterios: That's true!
Sriracha: If everybody finds out you beat that big kid up.
Asterios: That's- that's a really good point. Okay, alright. Girl told you- girl told- "A girl told me she liked me. I panicked and ran away from her."
Sriracha: Yeah. Uh, "fuck bitches, get money."
Asterios: [interjecting] No I agree.
Sriracha: [interjecting] That's what you learned.
Asterios: Look, I agr-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Good job kid, you're doin' everything right. Whats the question here?
Asterios: I wouldn't use those words but I agree with the sentiment. Um, alright, so literally, you got girls coming after you, so much that you gotta run away, then those girls I guess send older boys to go get you and tell you that everything's okay?
Sriracha: And drag you back to them.
Asterios: And drag you back to them, to which your response is to beat the hell out of them.
Sriracha: Right, "I aint gonna let no one bitch hold me down." And you'll beat the fuck outta any pimp that comes to try to tear you back to his hoe.
Asterios: I'm... [Sriracha laughs] I can't beleive how easily you speak in a "1970's street pimp patois"
Sriracha: [laughs] 1970's street pimp, is that what I'm doin'?
Asterios: That is absolut- it- you sound very much like uh, the classic Dan Aykroyd character Dr. Detroit.
Sriracha: I can do a bunch of accents too.
Asterios: Okay you wanna do one now?
Sriracha: You want me to do my Sarah Palin? People usually like my Sarah Palin.
Asterios: I would love- wait, can we get Sarah Palin giving this kid advice?
Sriracha: Yeah.
Asterios: Okay.
Sriracha: Okay ready. [clears throat, then speaks in Sarah Palin voice] "What you say your name was? Rah-nee?"
Asterios: Uh, name was Jyri.
Sriracha: "Rah- Jyri I'm gonna call ya Ronny 'cause that sounds a little foreign for me. [Asterios laughs] Ronny, in Alaska we got a saying. We say, 'Why would ya spend all yer money on one moose, when you could get a whole flock 'a geese for the same amount?' So Ronny what I would tell ya is, you gotta go back to school with your dick swingin' between your legs [laughs]. And just own up to what ya did. Be like, 'fuck ya, I did beat-'" [laughs] accent slipping. [trying accent again] "I beat the shit- [both laugh]" No I can't do it.
Asterios: Ms. Palin are you having a stroke?
Sriracha: I can't do it when I'm laughing.
Asterios: Okay.
Sriracha: Yeah, no just go back to school and be like, "Fuck yeah I beat the shit outta that older kid. Who else wants some?" And everybody's gonna be like, "Mmmm" you're gonna have your- your choice of the other tenth graders.
Asterios: Yeah. This makes sense. "I beat up an older kid, girls are literally sending their goons after me to get a piece of me. Anyone who wants to step to this? You're gonna have to meet my friends 'TRUTH' and 'CONSEQUENCES'" and then you hold out your fists and you've written the words 'truth' and 'consequences' on your fists in sharpie.
Sriracha: [interjecting] Ooh get knuckle tattoos.
Asterios: Yeah, get knuck- definitely get knuckle tattoos. And um, I mean eventu- so it sounds like you're setting up kind of a winner take all scenario where the smartest, craftiest girl, the girl who "captures" you becomes your girlfriend, because she's earned it.
Sriracha: Right, you gotta make them bitches work for it.
Asterios: You gotta make them work for i- ah, again [Sriracha laughs] if we could clean up the language just a little bit, like uh- but uh...
Sriracha: I have cancer in my brain. [laughs]
Asterios: I don't think that's true! But I do notice that you changed your twitter name to "cancer.mov" the other day.
Sriracha: Well yeah 'cause that's probably gonna be the next I'm gonna have to cut out of my vocabulary but when I say "cancer" I don't mean cancer, I mean cancer.
Asterios: [sighs] Yeah I know. I know. No one ever means the horrible things they're saying. They mean another funnier thing, and if you're offended by that first thing you're a snowflake who's into PC culture.
Sriracha: Yeah, fuck you snowflakes.
Asterios: Ah goddamn it. Alright, well Jyri, I guess we're not really gonna give you advice so much as we're gonna say, "Great job."
Sriracha: Yeah 'cause you don't have a real problem.
Asterios: And we're proud of you.
Sriracha: Please save this line for people with real problems. [mocking] "Oh my penis is sooo big!"
Asterios: Well no, there is a real problem that we're not getting to. There's an underlying issue here.
Sriracha: What is it?
Asterios: Which is that this person might be gay. Like- [Sriracha laughs] like, you know, a girl asks- a girl's like, I like you. He runs away. A boy comes after him, what does he do? Gets physical with the boy.
Sriracha: I was gonna say.
Asterios: Starts rolling around with the boy. Because when you're young the way that you express these urges is often through bullying and violence! Just like you know, if you're into a girl you'll pull on her pigtails. A lot of times- you know, we've both read the stories on 4chan of like... bullying that's gone erotic...
Sriracha: Ha-have we? Have-have we both read those stories?
Asterios: Uh, well okay, I read reddit? I read reddit/r/4chan I don't read the actual 4chan?
Sriracha: Of course you do you fuckin' normie.
Asterios: Kay I just don't wanna go to that site. And- but a lot of the top posts are just like coming out stories. Actually, really sweet coming out stories.
Sriracha: You think anybody would get on the Internet and write something that isn't true?
Asterios: I guess. I just don't neccessarily know what you'd get out of writing a fake coming out story where it's like, "Haha, I was was only pretending to be that word Asterios won't say."
Sriracha: Did you see that kid that got his like life ruined because he posted on 4chan- here's how reddit actually ruined someone's life. He posted on 4chan, I wish I could remember the exact story but he was like, "I really wanna fuck my step sister. And um, every day I sit and I watch her like, naked through the doorway, but yesterday her friend uh... Ronny came over and they- her boyfriend Ronny came over and they were having sex and I sat there and masturbated." And someone screenshot that and put it on r/4chan, and it got to the top of r/4chan and the girl was able to like recognize who it was, and he came back on the other day,he was like, "Fuck you you- whoever you were, you cunt from reddit, you ruined my fucking life 'cause my step sister found that and uh confronted me about it and I just started spaghetti-ing all over the place." Either a really long con or a fake story but I choose to believe it.
Asterios: You know what? Unfortunately I also choose to believe it [Sriracha laughs]. Oh God. Well, in summary, I think the Internet has made things worse.
Sriracha: Yes it has.
Asterios: Not better. We ju- that kid's life just got absolutely destroyed. But, the Internet has made things better because now we can talk to people in like this fun podcast so that's cool. Are po- I think podcasts might be the only good thing to come out of technology in like the past fifteen years.
Sriracha: Grubhub.
Asterios: I do like Grubhub.
Sriracha: Grubhub is the- if my Internet consisted only of Grubhub, I would be totally fine with that. Nuke the rest of it I don't care about anytihng else. Fuck Wikipedia, fuck ebay, fuck Wikileaks, fuck Amazon.com, fuck the government... websites, fuck everything involving banking, just... I want my computer, I want to rename it my grubhub machine.
Asterios: Wow. Yeah, it's really hard to argue with. We've disagreed about a lot on this episode Sriracha, but the one thing that we can both agree on it nuke the rest of the Internet. Um, thank you so much for listening to Asterios Kills a Kid. If you are a kid, or you have a kid who wants to submit a question? You can go to asterioskillsakid.com. A great way to support the show is through patreon.com/asterios. Even if you toss in a dollar, you get access to like at least one bonus episode of one of our shows a month. Usually more. Um. And uh, anything else Sriracha?
Sriracha: You get all the quality content early.
Asterios: Oh yeah, and you get like- you'll get episodes early, you'll get videos early, um, me and Sriracha we like to do a lot of stuff together just 'cause it's fun.
Sriracha: Yeah.
Asterios: And um, that's about it! Just, thanks a bunch for listening and we'll talk to you next time!
Sriracha: Bye!
[Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays again, fading out as the podcast ends.]
38 min
March 26, 2018 Asterios Kills A Kid #3: “Cuss Control”
A kid calls the teacher "Dad", a teen's edgelord friends are growing up, and a boy is literally fighting off girl's advances.

This is Producer Jesse, apologizing in advance for the language you will hear on this episode of Asterios Kills a Kid. It is so obscene that I had to use an experimental censorship algorithm to make just this description palatable. Listen at your own risk.

If you're a kid, and want Asterios to ██████ your ████████, you can initiate that here.

Our first writer is a kid with some serious daddy issues:

“Hi, i had this uncomfortable experience last week. During math class last week I accidentally called the teacher "dad", even though he's not my dad, and I like my real dad very much. My friends made fun of me for that all the time for the rest of the week. I am afraid this was not the last time this will happen, because I sometimes mix up people like that. How do I properly save face the next time it happens?” — Mendez, 11

You can't change what you said in the past, but you can uproot the lives of everyone around you to save face, and that's exactly what Asterios and Sriracha recommend. They also swap public ███████ stories if you're into that kind of thing.

Next up is a question from the aptly named CRINGE.

“My trio of friends used to make nothing but gay Jokes and edgy suicide jokes. However I recently found out that one of my friends is clinically depressed and the other is actually gay. Now our friend dynamic is really awkward because we don't wanna say the wrong things anymore. Any advice?” — CRINGE, 16

The court of this young edgelord grows ever bare, and he finds himself at a crossroads. Should he continue making fun of people using gay slurs, or grow up and make fun of them in other more creative ways? Like a fucking spaghetti brained cuck bitch, Asterios says to "█████ ██ ███ ████"

Finally, all the way from Finland, a young boy writes:

“Girl told me she liked me. I panicked and ran away from her. Older kid came to find me and lead me back to her, but I kinda beat him up. I dont want to go back to school anymore, what should I do?” — Jyri from Finland, 10

████████ and Sriracha applaud Jyri's game with the ladies and send him on his way, ignoring his genuine ████ and underlying ████████.

---

Do you have any advice for these kids? Let us know in the comments!

And if you have a question for ████████ and Sriracha, visit the Submit Question page.

---

TRANSCRIPT:

[Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays, starting loud, then fading.]

Asterios: Welcome to episode three of Asterios Kills a Kid. I'm Asterios Kokkinos. We got Sriracha here.

Sriracha: Hi!

Asterios: Um, thank you guys so much for supporting the show. Uh, we got a lot of great comments and feedback from the last episode. Um, this show is, you know, a children's advice podcast. So if you go to asterioskillsakid.com, you can- uh there's a- a section where your kids can ask us questions. Um, some of these questions are very clearly not from kids.

Sriracha: Yeah.

Asterios: Uh, I have one right here... it's uh- I guess- well let me read it. It says, "How do I get a thicc bitch to slob on my peepee im a patron and so this question better fucking get on the podc
38 min
March 07, 2018 Porg Chatter #0: Porgblic Relations
Welcome to the unreleased pilot episode of PORG CHATTER! In this week's episode, Serancho and I discuss the world's most important fictional characters – PORGS – and how we can help Disney sell more of them.
27 min
March 01, 2018 Asterios Kills A Kid #2: The Birds & The Wasps
Wasp sting your friend? 8th graders steal your snowball? A girl has bigger boobs than you? This episode's all about getting your revenge.
----more----
This is Producer Jesse welcoming you to another episode of Asterios Kills a Kid! If at any point while listening to the following you think, "Man, I know a kid with problems way more fucked up than this," go find that child, place them in front of a computer, and get them to submit their questions here.
The first question this episode is from Hailey, a seven-year-old girl who's out for blood:
Hello, can you help me? Yesterday my friend got stung by a wasp right in the face and her face got all big and red. We know where the nest is and I want to go wreck it, but my mom and dad say not to. Is it wrong to wreck the wasp nest even though one of them stung my friend? What is the best way to wreck it?
— Hailey, 7
Asterios and Sriracha soberly advise Hailey to listen to her parents, who are only looking out for her safety and — oh wait, no, it turns out they recommend becoming a martyr for wasp genocide? HA! Who gave these assholes a podcast?
Next up is a girl who's got two very big problems:
I’m 14 and I’m very insecure about my large Breast size. My friends all think it’s great, but it bothers me that I look in the mirror every day to see something that is just uncomfortable and doesn’t even fit my personality or my body.
I always see people staring and it really frustrates me. I tell them it’s really annoying but it keeps happening. I told my mom this and she just says I should be happy and feel blessed but I don’t. How am I blessed with something that’s so painful, heavy, and big that I can’t even stand it? No 14 year old should have a DD bra size or have to deal with them and learn to fit into stuff at this age. It’s just not right.
— Big Breasts, 14
Sriracha lightheartedly recommends committing suicide, before moving on to her real advice, which is to commit suicide. Asterios, not ready to commit to the show's premise that explicitly, digs deeper.
Finally, a tale of heartbreak as old as time itself:
The snow was really packy yesterday so I decided to roll a giant snowball. By the end of the day it was so big I could barely move it. It was awesome! But today when I got to school it was gone. The 8th graders took apart everyone's snow men and stole my snowball to make a giant snow fort. The teachers don't care even though everyone is upset. I want to get back at them but they're scary. I'm only in grade 4. What should I do?
— Snowball, 9
How will David take on Goliath? Well, if he follows Asterios' advice he'll frame Goliath for planning the next Columbine. Or he can follow Sriracha's advice: lead him to believe he got cucked by a 4th grader.

---
Do you have any advice for these kids? Let us know in the comments!
And if you have a question for Asterios and Sriracha, visit the Submit Question page.

---
TRANSCRIPT:
[Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays, starting loud, then fading.]
Sriracha: Hi how are you doin'?
Asterios: Hey what's going on? Welcome to Asterios Kills a Kid. That's really the name of the show?
Sriracha: I guess so, I mean I pitched it in the last episode. Do you like it?
Asterios: I really like it but I just want to make sure you're cool with it 'cause I love it?
Sriracha: It's not my fuckin' show I don't give a shit.
Asterios: Oh you don't give a shit?
Sriracha: Yeah no it's not like "Sriracha Destroys a Property".
Asterios: Okay well that- actually wait- spin-off show, Sriracha destroys a property. Sriracha drives around with a baseball bat playing mailbox baseball 24/7. What do ya think?
Sriracha: Was that a thing? Killing mailboxes?
Asterios: Yeah!
Sriracha: Or is that a thing just in movies?
Asterios: No! No no no. What you do is, you drive around town 'cause you're bored, and you- you sit on the car door outside the window, and as mailboxes go by you swing at 'em with a baseball bat.
Sriracha: Growing up in the city we never ever once did that.
Asterios: Well you don't have mailboxes in the city.
Sriracha: We also have things to do in the city.
Asterios: Yeah, we don't have things to do out in the su- I grew up on the- in the least inhabited part of long Island.
Sriracha: And I grew up in a city and I won't tell you what city but it rhymes with shmosh-shamgales.
Asterios: I don't know what- what could that possibly be?!
Sriracha: Beats the fuck out of me.
Asterios: Alright cheers, put 'em up [clink of glasses]. Okay, I'd like to thank everybody for liking the first episode. People liked it. What no one can- [muffled laugh from Sriracha] no one can-
Sriracha: I love you.
Asterios: What are you- no one can hear you eating the microphone.
Sriracha: Everyone that liked this episode I love you.
Asterios: Okay I love you too.
Sriracha: Thank you.
Asterios: I'd also like to thank Producer Jesse for sending in the questions that's we're gonna read this episode.
Sriracha: Thank you so much Jesse.
Asterios: Thank you Jesse. And I'd like to remind people that they can send in their own questions from their kids at - and this is a real website - asterioskillsakid.com.
Sriracha: It doesn't even have to be from your kid. Get the neighborhood kid.
Asterios: Just get a kid. Just don't send in your own questions, we only want questions from kids.
Sriracha: We're not equipped to handle adult questions.
Asterios: Abso- look. We can't handle our own problems.
Sriracha: I have a degree in psychology which means I'm not technically a psychologist. [Asterios laughs] Listen we can't do adults but if you're a kid writin' in then I can non-discriminately tell you what to do.
Asterios: Alright, well let's see if we can help this first kid, "Hello-" uh this question reads, "Hello can you help me? [Sriracha laughs] Yesterday my friend got stung by a wasp right in the face and her face got all big and red. We know where the nest is and I want to go wreck it, but my mom and dad say not to. Is it wrong to wreck the wasp nest even though one of them stung my friend? What is the best way to wreck it? Signed Hailey, 7 years old.
Sriracha: So is her problem that her parents think it's morally wrong to wreck a wasp nest and not that she's going to be stung to death?
Asterios: I honestly- I'm gonna tell you both are hazards. There is the moral hazard of like, "Come on, these wasps were just trying to protect their nest." But there's also like, "You don't fuckin' rile up a hornets nest." That's where the colloquialism "hornet's nest" comes from.
Sriracha: No that first one is completely in- like throw that in the garbage because wasps are assholes.
Asterios: I- yes they are- honey bees at least give us delicious honey!
Sriracha: Honey bees don't attack you!
Asterios: No!
Sriracha: Honey bees are cute and big and they bumble from flower to flower.
Asterios: That's why they're called bumble bees!
Sriracha: [interjecting] Right, and wasps-
Asterios: Wasps are called "asshole bees."
Sriracha: Wasps? Like I think their actual like, environmental camouflage is that they look like hone bees.
Asterios: Yup.
Sriracha: Like they make- they look like they make honey but actually they're super big fat dicks that are ready to fuck you in the eye hole.
Asterios: Yup! I'm gonna tell you right now, if you have- Hailey.
Sriracha: Hailey.
Asterios: If you have the opportunity to take out a wasps nest...
Sriracha: Do it.
Asterios: You fuckin' do it. Look. A honey bee stings you once and it dies. That honey bee's not gonna sting you unless it is literally to protect the queen. A wasp can sting you like a hundred times and then just fly away and be a sonofabitch.
Sriracha: Is that how wasps work? I thought they stung once and died to but-
Asterios: Nope, that's not how wasps work. Wasps and hornets can sting multiple times. They will sting you over and over and over again. And then fly home and play Nintendo Wii and be a real sonofabitch.
Sriracha: Of course, okay, so we gotta develop a plan. Let's develop a- what's this chick's name?
Asterios: Uh, her name is "Hailey" and we have to help her.
Sriracha: Hailey. Hailey we gotta just, form a plan, okay luckily, luckily you are human [unintelligible]. We have technology on our side.
Asterios: Mhmm, we sure do.
Sriracha: I personally... it's Sriracha's official stand-point - and feel free to replicate this if I ever run for office at some point [Asterios laughs] - I think we should kill every wasp dead. In the words of Kendrick Lamar, "Kill 'em all dead bodies in the hallway." I think we should wa- honey bees,totally different thing. I think we should let the honey bees flourish. Wasps, we need to hunt down and murder like genocide.
Asterios: Let me tell you what honey bees give us: A-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Honey.
Asterios: Honey. Delicious. Have you ever had a spoonful o' honey?
Sriracha: You ever put it on your face? It clears your acne.
Asterios: It clears your acne, if you have a local honey it- local to the region where you live it can help you uh take care of allergies.
Sriracha: Yeah I was gonna say, 'cause the honey incorporates the pollen? So if you eat enough honey then you won't be afraid of normal flowers.
Asterios: Exactly. Honey Nut Cheerios, fantastic.
Sriracha: Delicious.
Asterios: Okay, quick question Sriracha. What do you like better? Honey Nut Cheerios, or Frosted Cheerios?
Sriracha: Absolutely Honey Nut Cheerios.
Asterios: You know what me too 'cause I can eat Frosted Flakes.
Sriracha: Right.
Asterios: Okay, Honey Nut Cheerios, what do you lo- when you love someone you call them "Honey." You don't call them "Waspy!"
Sriracha: Exactly.
Asterios: Okay, so we're agreed. Here's what you gotta do to this wasps' nest. Hmmm... okay. Hailey, go into your parent's garage, and find their high-pressure water...
Sriracha: The- the thing you use to clear the driveway.
Asterios: The thing you use to clear the dri- what- I forget what it's called, but the water-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Pressure washer.
Asterios: The pressure washer, thank you! You find your parents' pressure washer, you hook up a hose to it-
Sriracha: And you hit the wasp nest and it just cracks in half.
Asterios: Exactly. You fill it with gasoline, you stand way back-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Wait wha- I'm sorry gasoline?
Asterios: That's how pressure wa- wait did you have an electric pressure washer?
Sriracha: I filled mine with "water" not gasoline.
Asterios: Okay but you have to fill it with both. My pressure washer ran on gasoline but also... you know it- it used- because you pulled on it like a- a lawn mower and it started the motor and that's how the pressure washer worked.
Sriracha: Ours was just connected to our house. So I assume it ran on electricity.
Asterios: Okay well, look, power up your pressure washer through either electricity or gasoline, start that motherfucker up, and cut that wasps' nest down.
Sriracha: VROOM VROOM BITCH!
Asterios: Exactly. And that way if it doesn't work you can... run away real fast.
Sriracha: You gotta get, s- okay wait. Armour. Armour.
Asterios: [interjecting] I mean real fast have you seen the movie "Stand by Me?"
Sriracha: Have you ever seen a bee keeper? They don't dress like normal bitches. They have those whole like- like a fencing...
Asterios: Yeah.
Sriracha: They look like they're ready to fence. So Hailey-
Asterios: [interjecting] Yeah they look like they are on the fencing team.
Sriracha: Before you go to fight the- before you go to battle, you need to think of yourself like Joan of Arc.
Asterios: Yup!
Sriracha: Would Joan "The Maid" just show up standing in her rags? No. Fuck you. Of course not.
Asterios: [in background] No, absolutely not.
Sriracha: She would dress in her standard uniform. So what your uniform is - Hailey - is I think, some form of fencing uniform, to keep the bees stingers away, and also coat yourself in a thick layer of pheromones.
Asterios: Wait... I was with you until the pheromones. Why do you want to cover yourself in a thick layer of pheromones?
Sriracha: I didn't say "bee pheromones."
Asterios: Okay, what, "anti-bee pheromones?"
Sriracha: Yes. Anti-wasp pheromones.
Asterios: What's the "anti-wasp?" What, like dog pheromones? I'm tryin' to think of- 'cause the thing is wasps fear nothing. Wasps are the asshole of the animal kingdom.
Sriracha: Wasps fear nothing. Wasps just want to kill and attack and rape and pillage everywhere.
Asterios: Okay I would use all of those words except one.
Sriracha: Wasps want to "ravage" and pillage.
Asterios: Thank you!
Sriracha: Everything in their sight. But Hailey, if you coat yourself in a thick layer of anti-wasp pheromones? [Asterios laughs] It will keep-
Asterios: [interjecting] What are you talking about?
Sriracha: -them away from you.
Asterios: When you say anti wasp phero- you got a name and ev-
Sriracha: And then you pull that bat out.
Asterios: There's no such animal as an anti-wasp!
Sriracha: I want you to take a bunch o' nails and nail it through that bat.
Asterios: Okay, here's what you-
Sriracha: [interjecting] And then I want you to slam into that nest.
Asterios: Okay, so what you're saying is, get closer to the wasps' nest, and also, cover yourself in reproductive chemicals.
Sriracha: Yes, whats the problem here?
Asterios: Okay, here's what I'm gonna suggest to you Hailey: wrap yourself up in towels. Fin- get like a bunch of extension cords or rope or something, and just wrap yourself up in layer after layer of towels because a wasps' stinger is not thick enough to sting through a wrapped towel.
Sriracha: It's only what, like half-an-inch long?
Asterios: Yeah, that's the thing! So, then get your- get your high pressure water squirter - or I guess your baseball bat [Sriracha laughs] - but the thing is-
Sriracha: [interjecting] With nails in it!
Asterios: The thing is you got one swing of the bat. Mighty Casey? More like mighty Hailey. Hailey, if you don't knock this wasps' nest clear outta the park...
Sriracha: I read this thing the one time that like if we killed all wasps, the environment would have no negative consequences.
Asterios: Yeah!
Sriracha: 'Cause the only thing they do is imitate bees.
Asterios: Yes!
Sriracha: And bees are doing the actual job.
Asterios: Bees, I love bees!
Sriracha: Everybody loves bees.
Asterios: Have you ever gone to Halloween and you've seen like three hot chicks dressed like bees?
Sriracha: I did dress as a bee once. I was a sexy bee.
Asterios: Okay well tell me more.
Sriracha: I... don't know how to tell you more. I was a sexy bee.
Asterios: [mumbling suggestively and unintelligibly] . . . sexy bee huh [more mumbling]
Sriracha: I'm- I'm- I'm a bee.
Asterios: Okay, did you wear like little black leggings like..?
Sriracha: Yeah no I had little black leggings and then a little-
Asterios: [interjecting] Yellow hee- yellow high heels?
Sriracha: Neon tutu.
Asterios: Really?
Sriracha: Yes.
Asterios: I don't understand why the bee costume has become a sexy Halloween costume, but I know that it has, and I appreciate it.
Sriracha: Everything has become a sexy Hallo- what do you mean you don't underst- everything has become a sexy Halloween costume. You name it, it's a sexy Halloween costume.
Asterios: Okay.
Sriracha: Anything that would have been a co- a common Halloween costume before this year, like before October, 2018: it's a sexy costume.
Asterios: I've never seen a sexy pope. And I would re-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Oh really? Well I'm gonna pull up my phone right now because I- I am a hundred percent positive that exists.
Asterios: [distant] Okay, find it!
Sriracha: Sexy pope. They had a baby dressed as pope.
Asterios: Well, if you think that's sexy there's something wrong with you.
Sriracha: I don't but- 'kay? [sound of something falling] Oh shit. Anyway, sexy pope.
Asterios: May I see that? This is a very sexy pope.
Sriracha: Hell yeah.
Asterios: Oh my God.
Sriracha: Hell yeah.
Asterios: I didn't know the pope wore thigh-highs.
Sriracha: He does.
Asterios: I guess he does.
Sriracha: He do!
Asterios: I didn't- here's what I've never thought about: putting a crucifix...between that. But now it kinda makes too much sense!
Sriracha: I mean what is a crucifix.
Asterios: It's just like a, you know it's like a-
Sriracha: [interjecting] It's a left horizontal line and a right horizontal line and then something very dangerous in the middle.
Asterios: Very dangerous.
Sriracha: Know anything else? Exactly.
Asterios: [laughs] Alright Hailey, bottom line: don't listen to your parents, take out this wasps' nest, tell us how it went-
Sriracha: And there's not even gonna be any honey. But just know that you will be a martyr.
Asterios: Wait, that's a bad thing, a martyr dies.
Sriracha: There's gonna be no honey in that nest. It's not like you're gonna smash it with a baseball bat and then glorious honey.
Asterios: She's not- she's not honey hunting! She's wasp hunting!
Sriracha: Then just hit it, and kill it, and run away. What's the problem?
Asterios: Have you ever killed a wasps' nest? You're talking about this like it's literally the easiest thing in the world. It's very hard to take out hundreds of wasps.
Sriracha: That's why I'm saying be in a goddamn costume, bitch.
Asterios: Wait- is your advice to Hailey to put on a bumblebee costume and go kill a bunch of wasps?
Sriracha: Listen my co- my advice is to get sexy, get into a hot sexy wasps-hunting costume.
Asterios: Okay.
Sriracha: Whether that is a priest, and you wanna use the power of Christ to compel these wasps out of your home, or if you just wanna dress up like a ninja turtle, I don't care. Just use something with at least an inch thickness of fabric. A sumo wrestling costume would probably be the best option.
Asterios: "Sexy costumes" and "costumes that it is safe to hunt wasps in" are antithetical. That sexy pope costume you showed me? Got bare shoulders.
Sriracha: I mean I guess that's- what are you into Asterios?
Asterios: Wait I'm sorry what did you say?
Sriracha: What are you into Asterios? I guess that really depends.
Asterios: Okay well here's what I'm into: [vulnerable tone] I'm into girls who like, don't judge me. I'm into girls who are like, "Hey, I know that you may be kind of an off-the-beaten-path kinda guy. You may not be like a 'Chad' so to speak. But I can see that you're really trying and that you have a gift to offer the world, and I appreciate that gift." That's hot to me.
Sriracha: If you're in the bar and you see guys that are like a Chad, do you feel self-conscious?
Asterios: Oh my God are you fucking kidding me? When I see Chads I'm just like, [groaning whine] "Why did they have to come to this bar, I thought I went to a shitty enough bar that there wouldn't be any Chads here and now there's Chads here. It's- I mean when you see like a- you, as a ten, when you see like another ten doesn't it upset you?
Sriracha: Okay uh, I'm gonna rephrase your question, do you- when I see a girl in the same attractive-level as me does it upset me?
Asterios: No, I asked my question. And it's the question I meant to ask.
Sriracha: Delete your account and also kill yourself.
Asterios: Okay let's-
Sriracha: [interjecting] When I see a beautiful woman, out in a bar?
Asterios: Mhmm? Yeah.
Sriracha: My first instinct is I wanna latch into her.
Asterios: Wait what?!
Sriracha: 'Cause I wanna get her subsidies.
Asterios: Subsidies?! What are you talking about?
Sriracha: Right, like there's the beautiful, the beautiful- the queen bee has all these male bees slocking around with her, well she's gonna pick the best but the- what's the second best? Probably like, like if the queen bee wants the ten outta ten, she's gonna leave the nines. Well the nines are for Sriracha.
Asterios: Oh my God you're- oh that's brilliant!
Sriracha: Right, so if Sriracha can get in close enough with the ten, then Sriracha can get the subsidies.
Asterios: Sriracha, I'm very impressed by you and that's all I'm gonna say, I'm very very impressed. You wanna hear the next question?
Sriracha: Yes.
Asterios: Okay, this next question... oh no.
Sriracha: Oh Christ.
Asterios: He- this next question reads, "I’m 14 and I’m very insecure about my large Breast size.-"
Sriracha: [interjecting] Oh fuckin' show off kill yourself.
Asterios: "My friends think it’s great, but it bothers me that I look in the mirror every day to see something that is just uncomfortable and doesn’t even fit my personality or my body. I always see People staring and it really frustrates me. I tell them it’s really annoying but it keeps happening. I told my mom this and she just says I should be happy and feel blessed," - [Asterios laughs] oh- what's her mom Christie Brinkley over here - " but I don’t. How am I blessed with something that’s so painful- painful, heavy, and big that I can’t even stand it? No 14 year old should have a double D bra size or have to deal with them and learn to fit into stuff at this age. It’s just not right." Signed, "Big Breasts" age fourteen. What do we do? How do we help this-
Sriracha: Commit suicide.
Asterios: THAT'S A TERRIBLE- she's fourteen years old Sriracha!
Sriracha: Commit suicide.
Asterios: Sriracha. Okay well first off, the answer to every question we could get could be, "commit suicide."
Sriracha: No. Nah nah nah no no. He's just saying that to make you feel better. You- the only way to get rid of this is to kill yourself.
Asterios: Okay, Sriracha, what- okay. Sriracha? This girl's getting a lot of unwelcome, unwanted attention. She has developed-
Sriracha: CAN'T RELATE.
Asterios: What do you mean you can't relate?
Sriracha: I am twenty three years old...
Asterios: Uh huh.
Sriracha: My breast size is a 32 B. Kill yourself.
Asterios: Okay, I don't know how deep I wanna go into this.
Sriracha: No, deep as you wanna go. I'm ready.
Asterios: Okay. You look pretty good.
Sriracha: Kill yourself.
Asterios: Yeah I knew you were gonna say that. What you got goin' on, is a pretty good thing-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Kill yourself.
Asterios: Okay, again. You're saying that defensively and I totally understand. Uh, as someone who has-
Sriracha: [interjecting] "a small tit fetish"
Asterios: [laughs] Oh my God no! As someone who has dated a little bit, I can tell you this: bigger is not always better.
Sriracha: Hell yeah!
Asterios: I think, and I'm- I'm saying this for you, I guess kinda fuck this girl at this point because-
Sriracha: Are you saying that just for me, or is it 'cause you actually feel this way?
Asterios: Well both, I'm not gonna lie to you, especially on a podcast.
Sriracha: Right because this is corroborative.
Asterios: Yes, well in addition to being corroborative it's also like, I'm not gonna lie to you. You know how hard it is to lie? You gotta remember a lie forever.
Sriracha: It really does.
Asterios: Yeah, here- every single time whatever trigger for your lie comes up, you gotta remember the lie, you gotta say the lie, you gotta deepen the lie, the lie becomes your life. It is so- the truth is the easiest thing to remember so I always tell the truth.
Sriracha: Tell me your longest running lie that you've told to a hot chick. And how you got found out.
Asterios: Okay. I guess my longest running lie to a hot chick is, "I'm totally cool with polyamory! It's totally normal and cool and-"
Sriracha: [interjecting] Oh noooo...
Asterios: "-whatever, it's just, we're all adults and we're normal and whatever." Whereas in real life I would be like, "That's kinda weird [Sriracha hisses] that- that you do that. Don't do that. Don't be into that." BUT-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Stop doing that.
Asterios: I don't wanna yuck anyone's yum. I just- look. As a person, it is so hard for me to split my focus. I kinda like having like, one girl, who I love, and she's nice. Like, I have friends who are into polyamory, and I'm just like, "Yeah you go girl!" but in- secretly inside I'm like, "oh, you know girl, that that's bad girl [Sriracha laughs], don't do that girl, you're gonna be sad girl, stop doing this girl-"
Sriracha: [interjecting] "Girl, why are you doing that girl?"
Asterios: Yeah exac- but I don't wanna yuck, anyone's yum!
Sriracha: No dude I have so many girlfriends like that.
Asterios: Yup.
Sriracha: It's like they tell me things like, "Oh I'm bangin' a married dude!" and on the outside I'm like, "YASS" and on the inside I'm like, "nooOOoo."
Asterios: There has to be an opposite of "yass" called "nass."
Sriracha: NAAAAA [Asterios laughs]
Asterios: Oh my god. Alright, hold on, I'm gonna go- do you need to go to the bathroom?
Sriracha: No.
Asterios: Okay, well I definitely do, so I'll be right back.
[short clip of static]
Asterios: Are you jealous of this fourteen year old girl with double D-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Yeess.
Asterios: Why?
Sriracha: 'Cause she's got double D breasts. And I have nothing!
Asterios: You don't have nothing. You've got- you've got something.
Sriracha: Small.
Asterios: They're not- why do you think that?
Sriracha: Listen, alls I'm saying if is- if I was in porn I would be in a fetish category.
Asterios: Everything's a fetish! There's like a "pretty girl" fetish now.
Sriracha: That's not true.
Asterios: Yes it is. Uh, reddit.com/r/realgirls, where it's just like, "oh these girls are very pretty." They found a way to fetishize "very pretty girls."
Transcriber's Note: Here's a link: http://reddit.com/r/realgirls. Obviously NSFW.
Sriracha: No, I think that's fetishizing people that would post themselves on reddit, which is the opposite of pretty.
Asterios: Okay that is true. Bigger is not always better, and I- I'm not kidding when I say this. Sometimes it's kinda like, uh- hmm how do I phrase this.
Sriracha: No man I don't even want big tits they're annoying and I can't even grab 'em.
Asterios: Right that's you saying that you do want them. Um, here's what I'm saying. Sometimes it's kinda like uh, grabbin' a pile o' jello.
Sriracha: Is that what tits feel like to you?
Asterios: N- I'm just saying that bigger's not always better. Sometimes it's kinda like, "Oh, there's a lot of jello here and I'm gonna try to grab this jello and... I can't hold this jello.
Sriracha: There's simple to much jello.
Asterios: There's too much jello and it's everywhere and there's- it's not holding its shape. See here's the thing: you won't remember this 'cause you're a millennial, but at one point there was jello, and there was jello jigglers.
Sriracha: I remember jello jigglers.
Asterios: Oh, okay. Well the difference between jello and jello jigglers was that jello jigglers were firmer and could hold their shape.
Sriracha: Yeah.
Asterios: You could cut them into stars and hearts and whatever you wanted. You know why we had jello jigglers? Because you can't cut regular jello into shapes. And some-
Sriracha: [interjecting] I always thought that jello jigglers were for jello shots.
Asterios: No, jello shots- it's just regular jello!
Sriracha: No, but like think about jello jigglers. They're- even commercials showed them like, "Ooh a [unintelligible] and it's jigglin' like a motherfucker. Like come on, grab it. It's full of alcohol. Come on, grab it."
Asterios: You've got jello jigglers. Other girls have jello. Now imagine a big bowl of jello, maybe its delicious, but you definitely can't hold it in your hand like you can hold the jello jiggler.
Sriracha: I want everybody to vote in the comments. Put one if you think my tits are fine, put two if you think that I [Asterios laughs] could make them bigger somehow.
Asterios: Alright, so I guess our advice to this girl is... "kill yourself?"
Sriracha: Kill yourself. Kill yourself.
Asterios: 'Kay that's terrible advice. How can we help this girl she's getting a lot of- she's fourteen years old and she's already being sexualized! That's terrible! How do we help her?
Sriracha: I dunno, get really smart or something. I don't know how to deal with this, I've never had this happen to me.
Asterios: Yeah well I've never had to deal with a wasps' nest either but I could give advice for that. Wow you really hate this fourteen year old girl don't you?
Sriracha: I don't hate this fourteen- okay here's what I would say fourteen-year-old.
Asterios: Okay.
Sriracha: First of all, congratulations.
Asterios: [laughs] Oh my God.
Sriracha: I am man enough to concede when I've been beat [laughs]. You've defeated me, in the process of tit growings. Second of all uh... alls you gotta do right now is focus on your life. See, when you have the sexual advantage, you have all of the advantages. That's like uh, in World of Warcraft, it's like the overarching ability, right?
Asterios: Kay.
Sriracha: So you have so much power over these people you don't even know, right? So men are gonna be looking at you and their brains are gonna be going into potato salad because they're thinking about titty-fucking you. And women are just gonna be jealous of you, like moi. So what you gotta do is- the best thing you could do right now is focus on your academics. 'Cause you will get so far ahead of everyone that it will make you seem stupidly smart when you get to high school. And when people start looking- and nobody gives a shit about your tit size when you get to high school, am I right?
Asterios: No. You- your bust size is-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Let me rephrase that question.
Asterios: Kay. Okay.
Sriracha: When you get to high school, there will be a number of people with as-big titties as you.
Asterios: Okay! [quietly] Sounds like this girl has really big... really big breast size...
Sriracha: Right, if you go to an inner city high school there will be a bunch of chicks with big titties like you. So you can be the one with the smart big titties. Which'll be fun because you will get all the scholarships.
Asterios: Okay. You know what-
Sriracha: [interjecting] And then you will get to go to Harvard and fuck million dollar dick.
Asterios: Million dollar dick?!
Sriracha: Million dollar dick.
Asterios: Sriracha, I wasn't quite sure where you were headed with your answer-
Sriracha: [interjecting] I was headed to million dollar dick.
Asterios: But when you got to million dollar dick I com- that's absolutely right. You could fuck a future senator's dick.
Sriracha: Billion dollar dick.
Asterios: You could fuck a future governer's dick. You might even ride the dick of the future President.
Sriracha: Listen, Paris Hilton's boyfriend came from somewhere and it sure as shit wasn't Hollywood, so.
Asterios: That's exactly right. Okay, stay in school... girl- overdeveloped girl.
Sriracha: Suck dicks that you think will be senators. That's my advice to her.
Asterios: I think that might be the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life and I don't know how to handle it.
Sriracha: [deadpan] You could laugh.
Asterios: That's not what comedians do, comedians don't laugh.
Sriracha: Comedians don't do that. I'm a comedian, whenever somebody tells me something funny, the first thing I say is, "[fake laugh] That's funny."
Asterios: Yeah.
Sriracha: Isn't that disgusting?
Asterios: No. That's what we do. We're just kinda like, [monotone] "Ah yes, I appreciate the joke you just made."
Sriracha: No, I say- if somebody says something funny to me I'm like "[scoffs] That's funny."
Asterios: When someone says something funny to you- is what you're trying to say, that when someone says something funny to you, what you do is say it's not funny?
Sriracha: No, I say it is funny do you guys wanna help me find friends?
Asterios: Wait what?
Sriracha: On the "Hey! VINA" app?
Asterios: The "Hey! VINA" app? What are you talking about?
Sriracha: Haven't I told you about this?
Asterios: No!
Sriracha: Okay gentlemen. So, uh, in New York City it's very hard for girls to find friends, because we're all workin' and suckin' dicks. Constantly. Ooh I got a bunch o' messages. So what we have is, we have the "Hey! VINA" app.
Asterios: Okay.
Sriracha: Which is the app for girls to find their girl squad.
Asterios: Whoa! Okay.
Sriracha: It's like Tinder, except there's no chance of you banging anyone.
Asterios: Okay, so Tinder but bad. Got it.
Sriracha: It's Tinder but bad. Yeah, okay. So let's see what kind of messages I have. "Do you live in Manhattan?" In the garbage immediately.
Asterios: [laughs] Sriracha you should have a lot more friends. You're so funny and nice and sweet.
Sriracha: I'm annoying and stupid.
Asterios: Okay, none of those are true.
Sriracha: I want you to help me- I want everyone in the audience to help me find friends.
Asterios: Okay, well listen if you're a girl in the New York- in the Tri-State area-
Sriracha: [interjecting] How can I hook up my "Hey! VINA" like Tinder to the stream? So they can decide if I can swipe left or right on potential friends?
Asterios: Well, seeing as I've just heard of this app just now, I don't know. But maybe next episode we can- why don't we go through "Hey! VINA"- well, you know what?
Sriracha: [interjecting] Guys, I want you to put the word "cuck" in the comments if you think the next episode you should be deciding who is my friend.
Asterios: Okay, well, look the word "cuck" is gonna be the comment no matter what-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Put "CUCK" in all c-
Asterios: [interjecting] It's 2018.
Sriracha: All caps. Just "CUCK CUCK CUCK CUCK CUCK CUCK."
Asterios: I am amazed how mainstream the word "cuck" has gone.
Sriracha: It we- it was on the cover of like what, New York Times out?
Asterios: Probably, yeah. I don't know what you're saying, but I agree with it.
Sriracha: Don't you remember that like- the- oh it was New York Post. They had the big drawings of Pence-
Asterios: The Daily News.
Sriracha: Yeah. Uh huh.
Asterios: Yes, on the cover of the New York Daily News was a picture of Donald Trump as a chicken fighting a picture of Steve Bannon as a chicken, and the headline read:
Asterios & Sriracha: "Cuck Fight"
Transcriber's Note: Here's a link to the image: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DSpymVJVAAE0HSm.jpg:large
Asterios: [sighs] I really should have bought that newspaper. I super goddam regret not owning that-
Sriracha: [interjecting] I have it! I have it.
Asterios: Thank God. Okay, let's do one more question.
Sriracha: Ready.
Asterios: Alright this last question reads, "The snow was really packy yesterday-" was really packy. Okay, I guess that means firm. Which is good.
Sriracha: Yes.
Asterios: Which a lot of- which a lot of other people don't have. Access to firm snow. And people that do have firm snow, should maybe appreciate it because there's a difference between firm snow and that kinda powdery snow that the moment you step on it it just collapses.
Sriracha: It's disgusting that's not even snow. That's just... rain. With the second layer added.
Asterios: Yeah that's what I'm tryin' to say so like, maybe if you don't have the most snow, but your snow is firm, that's better snow wha- agree or disagree?
Sriracha: Agree.
Asterios: Okay good! [happily] The snow was really packy yesterday so I decided to roll a giant snowball. By the end of the day it was so big I could barely move it. It was awesome! But today when I got to school it was gone [Sriracha gasps]. The 8th graders took apart everyone’s snow men and stole my snowball to make a giant snow fort. The teachers don’t care even though everyone is upset. I want to get back at them but they’re scary. I’m only in grade 4. What should I do?" Snowball, age nine. Oh my God that- Snowball's a fourth grader, these fuckin' snow thieves are eighth graders, what the fuck can this fourth grader do? Jesus.
Sriracha: Let me tell you what to do bitch. Well you gotta get your girl squad together.
Asterios: Okay.
Sriracha: Fifth graders, you think that fifth graders got this much muscle than you? They don't- their balls haven't even dropped-
Asterios: [interjecting] They're eighth graders.
Sriracha: They haven't even ejaculated yet.
Asterios: Oh my god.
Sriracha: Exactly. So you gotta get on the "Hey! VINA" app...
Asterios: Uh huh?
Sriracha: And you need to be messaging, "Hey. Has your snow man been deleted? Send me a like. 'Cause I'm forming a resistance squad.
Asterios: Okay.
Sriracha: They will fight, for their right, to build snowmen.
Asterios: Okay, I gotta say, Sriracha, I definitely agree with your idea to use new media apps and new technologies to draw upon strength from outlying communities. I think that's really smart. I don't know if a fourth grader has access to the "Hey! VINA" app.
Sriracha: I think you gotta be eighteen.
Asterios: Yeah I think you gotta be eighteen.
Sriracha: No actually I think you gotta be twenty one, 'cause brunch is like such a central part [laughs] of the goddam app. I swear to God you can-
Asterios: I'm listening.
Sriracha: You gotta pick like a personality in it and it's like, "Brunchalite" is one of the ones that you can pick.
Asterios: I- okay, Sriracha and I have both become super into brunch.
Sriracha: We tried to make our own today, it didn't work.
Asterios: I thought it worked great! Are you kidding me?
Sriracha: I can't cook.
Asterios: You can cook. Th- those eggs- you ma- Sriracha made egg english muffins, they tasted really good.
Sriracha: Sriracha tried to make holiday sauce but Sriracha forgot that you can't include the egg whites in the holiday sauce so Sriracha included "Better'n Eggs" into her-
Asterios: [interjecting] Mhmm, low cholesterol egg substitute.
Sriracha: Into her holidays. So what Sriracha essentially made was a very very buttery scrambled egg.
Asterios: Yeah and they were fucking delicious.
Sriracha: To pour all over your eggs.
Asterios: Yeah, exactly. I added eggs to my eggs and I had egg eggs, it was great!
Sriracha: Ay bitch I heard you like eggs [Asterios laughs], so I added eggs to eggs and added eggs on the eggs.
Asterios: Okay, why don't you plant a gun in one of the eighth graders lockers-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Okay, wow, alright we're yelling at Sriracha but planting guns is fine.
Asterios: I'm just saying, if these eighth graders are gonna steal your snowb-
Sriracha: [interjecting] You motherfuckers, let me tell you. Men? This is what men do. Men villainize women, like, [mocking male voice] "Oooh- oh you wanna hit a wasps nest with a bat oh crazy crazy women aren't they nuts? But let's kill your enemies with a gun."
Asterios: No, that's not what I- did I say shoot your enemies? Absolutely not.
Sriracha: Oh yeah no let's just pistol whip them. That's totally fine!
Asterios: That's not what I said either! I'm saying plant a gun in one of their lockers and frame them for a Columbine.
Sriracha: [interjecting] Wooww that's much better. Much better.
Asterios: They stole this poor fourth grader's snowball.
Sriracha: Retribution.
Asterios: Retributi- if anyb- Sriracha.
Sriracha: Yes.
Asterios: If somebody took your snowball, I would go to the ends of the earth to find revenge against them. Don't touch my girlfriend's snowball.
Sriracha: I don't think I've ever made a snowball.
Asterios: [interjecting] Okay well wha-
Sriracha: 'Cause we didn't have snow until I went to college. I- I'd never seen snow until I went to college.
Asterios: What'd you think the first time you saw snow?
Sriracha: It was gross. It was disgusting.
Asterios: It is kinda gross. It's like rain that doesn't leave.
Sriracha: No, the only thing I was thinking was like, disgusting, like if this is rain and it's frozen, it's like, it's got like oil and dirt in it and it's all over my yard and my clothing. It's disgusting.
Asterios: Yeah. Exactly. The number one source of heart attacks for men is snow shoveling.
Sriracha: Is that true?
Asterios: Yes, that is absolutely true. Because like, shoveling snow is really difficult, and it takes a long time to do, and you're exerting so much physical pressure while you're in inclement weather. My favorite science teacher died of a heart attack because he was shoveling snow.
Sriracha: Are you joking is that real?
Asterios: No, why would I joke- Yes. I'm joking. It's a hilarious joke.
Sriracha: I'm not- I didn't say it was hilarious I'm just genuinely asking.
Asterios: Don't worr- why would I j- I wouldn't... why would I ever lie to you? I would never lie to you about anything. I'm too dumb to die. Lies require so much effort.
Sriracha: Lies are just so much wooork.
Asterios: That's the thing about lies! You gotta remember them forever. You gotta keep your stories straight. No. The truth is the easiest thing to remember.
Sriracha: I knew of snow before- because I grew- I went to high school in California and then I went to college in like the north-east New England area. I knew of snow, but the first time I saw it I was like, "gross." This is disgusting.
Asterios: Yeah, it's weird. Snow is like, if the sky
Sriracha: [interjecting] Took a shit.
Asterios: -taking a dump on your day. We were both on the same thing!
Sriracha: Yeah, and it's all over you and its just stuck on you.
Asterios: Yeah, and it's weird.
Sriracha: It's gross.
Asterios: Okay. So are you against the whole planting a gun plan?
Sriracha: No.
Asterios: You're not against it?
Sriracha: I'm for- hardcore for planting a gun.
Asterios: Okay! Alright well that's one solution. Plant a gun in one of these eighth grader's lockers and then accuse them of planning a Columbine.
Sriracha: Actually, plant it inside the snowman, that they stole.
Asterios: Wait, what?!
Sriracha: You heard me.
Asterios: Okay. Plant a gun inside a snowman and then when the snow melts there'll be a gun there and-
Sriracha: Hell yeah.
Asterios: -you can be like, "Hey these kids put a gun in the snowman." Arrest them all.
Sriracha: Hell yeah.
Asterios: That's pretty good. Ano- hmm...
Sriracha: Hmmm...
Asterios: What's a- what can- how can we- it, it's difficult. The difference between a fourth grader and an eighth grader is the difference between a welterweight and a heavyweight.
Sriracha: Yeah.
Asterios: A fourth grader is tiny and an eighth grader is huge. Maybe you could, okay, maybe you could... could you snitch on them? Could you tell their parents that they stole your snow? Nahh, that's not gonna work.
Sriracha: That sounds dumb.
Asterios: That does sound dumb. Um, how do you get an eighth grader back? I mean look, literally Sriracha, imagine there was a girl who was twice your size who was fucking with you. How would you- it's really hard, how would you get her back?
Sriracha: Not fuck her boyfriend.
Asterios: That's brilliant. You gotta fuck these eighth grader's girlfriends.
Sriracha: Or not! If they beg you to.
Asterios: Okay. You gotta become the most interesting fourth grader in the world.
Sriracha: In the world.
Asterios: You gotta start reading Sartre, and Nietzsche, and start watching all the Ocar nominated short films. Start dressing real smart. Get a copy of GQ and just copy it. You gotta...
Sriracha: [pronouncing Nietzsche] Neet-see.
Asterios: Be the hottest fourth grader in the school.
Sriracha: Is it pronounced "neet-see" or am I stupid?
Asterios: It's "nee-chee."
Sriracha: Okay, well I'm stupid so listen to this guy's advice.
Asterios: It's okay. Where did you hear "neet-see"?
Sriracha: So I have a pal, who's from Poland, who pronounces words to me, and the only thing that I know about Polish and Russian is from overhearing conversations with her and her mother.
Asterios: Okay.
Sriracha: So I'm pretty sure that [doing Polish impression] "nyeck yek pote chek yeat nat neet see a m' gop nip dep."
Asterios: Okay.
Sriracha: My imitation of Polish.
Transcriber's Note: And the text was my imitation of Sriracha's imitation of Polish.
Asterios: Well, it's interesting to me that your Polish best friend and her mother are constantly discussing a German philosopher who was hyper-focused on death.
Sriracha: Polish and German are really close to one another aren't they?
Asterios: I guess that- I mean that's true but it's like when friends came over to me mom's house she would talk a lot about... Oprah, or... "General Hospital". Not a philosopher who was heavily focused on death.
Sriracha: No, see it was so- totally funny because whenever I listen to her like- when uh, me and her went to go watch "The Dick Show" live? She made fun of the Dick Show the whole way home on the plane. She's like, "Nep nip shmm nep nep de the Dick Show bnep dib [Asterios laughs]" And that was also [unintelligible] and she's like, "Nep nik shpeh ne ne La La Land bep nik shmet, The Dick Show." [laughs] It was so funny because I could pick up just the paraphrases of this 'cause obviously she was sitting right next to me on the plane.
Asterios: Oh my God. Alright, final question: if your friend was here right now, how would she get back at these eighth graders?
Sriracha: You've met her, you know she's very mean.
Asterios: Yeah, that's why I'm asking.
Sriracha: What did they say the eighth graders do to her exactly?
Asterios: They stole their snowball.
Sriracha: I really really do think that this girl would get her back the only way she can which is through sexual violence.
Asterios: Oh my God! Jesus Christ!
Sriracha: Like she would start running a- like she would ask her mom if she could have sleepovers.
Asterios: Okay.
Sriracha: And her sleep-overs would be the only one in the school that could have boys in them?
Asterios: Uh huh.
Sriracha: And so she would be inviting girls' boyfriends and not them, to her sleep over, and then imply that she was fucking them. That's what my cousin is doing now, so I assume that's what this bitch would be doing.
Asterios: That's a really really really good way to get back at eighth graders. I have to say, Sriracha, I don't know any better way to humiliate an eighth grader, than to imply that they are being cucked-
Sriracha: Yes!
Asterios: By a fourth grader. If you're cucked by a fourth grader-
Sriracha: You've got somethi- and your boyfriend's a pedophile.
Asterios: Yeah, A) You're dating a pedo, good job not. B) You gotta walk into the ocean. You gotta just take a long walk off a short pier, into the ocean, and then that's kinda it for you.
Sriracha: That's it for you.
Asterios: That's it for you. Well and that's it for this episode of Asterios Kills a Kid! I'd like to thank everybody for watching and thank everybody for listening. Uh, Sri- you can, if you have any- if you know any kids that have questions, they can go to asterioskillsakid.com. Submit their questions in the form. Uhh, if you wanna support this show? You can go to Patreon.com
Sriracha: /asterios
Asterios: /asterios. And I guess that's it.
Transcriber's note: Here's a link: https://www.patreon.com/asterios
Sriracha: It's great.
Asterios: Alright, well see ya next time!
Sriracha: [anime voice] Byeee!
[Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays again, fading out as the podcast ends.]
41 min
February 25, 2018 Science Friction 020: The Limbaugh Time Loop
THIS WEEK'S MISSION:
I'm joined by my comedy heroes from the legendary Chicago sketch comedy troupe Superpunk! You can hear their podcast here – I suggest starting with episode 11.

THIS WEEK'S CREW:
Mike Betette | @Betette
Phillip Mottaz | @PhillipMottaz
48 min
February 16, 2018 Waifu Wars 001: Misaka vs Louise
Welcome to Waifu Wars! It's a YouTube series where me and Sirancho interview REAL ANIME NERDS and help them find the two-dimensional love of their lives. You can watch the video here.
In our first episode, which was actually made months ago but fuck it, we meet "Chuck." He's a real-life meme, as the commander of "Fort Waifu."
He loves two different fictional girls – Louise something, and Misaka something. I know nothing about them, and he seems creepily into their panties. Let's listen!
52 min
February 12, 2018 Asterios Kills A Kid #1: I Never Wanna To Grow Up!
Welcome to the very first episode of Asterios Kills a Kid! We've got a site, the sound bits, a sexy thumbnail* – no workflow though! Who's supposed to write these descriptions? I don't know, I'm just the web designer. Ah well, fuck it here I go.
----more----
In this very first episode of AKAK, Sriracha looks back on her time in girl scouts: particularly on a struggle she had with a girl named Kylie Eickelberg over their troupe crest. I won't tell you how the story ends, but I will say to check back soon for Kylie's phone number and home address.
Asterios and Sriracha's first question was from a 13 year old girl. She writes:
Hi, I am 13 and now suddenly growing up is a big deal. It has just happened, if you know what I mean. I cry now in my closet hugging my favorite stuffed animals because I just don't want to grow up. The only person I've "talked" to about it is my favorite stuffed animal. I've been playing with ALL my old toys lately, wearing butterfly shirts and watching cartoons. I'd do ANYTHING to be 8 again. Please help me! —Growing Up, 13
If you don't know what DDLG* is, get prepared to immediately repress it. Also, Asterios delivers some good news to everyone out there worrying about growing up: in America, you can stay a child forever.
Moving on, Carrie writes:
My boyfriend and I have been going for ten llloooooooooonnng months. Recently I've found myself getting irritated with him all the time. He's very clingy, and even though I've talked to him about it, he won't give me space. He liked me for a lot longer than I have liked him and every time he thinks I'm even slightly annoyed with him he feels the need to call me and talk about our feelings. I have been considering breaking up with him for awhile now because I'm just not happy with him any more, but I don't want to regret it later or hurt him because he is very sensitive. —Carrie, 16
Our hosts both agree: get him a super-hobby. And taking on the role of internet historian, Sriracha recounts the sad saga of Chris Chan.
Speaking of sad stories, this last boy writes:
This year I was pushed forward a grade and now I have no friends in class. I have been trying to make friends, but today at lunch I had a hole in the front of my track pants and "it" flopped out. I was sitting on the floor and the whole class saw. I did not notice until a girl told me. I don't know what to do. I will never make friends now. I tried to convince my mom to home school me and she said no. Help! —Embarrassed, 7
Asterios and Sriracha are divided on how to handle Penis Boy's problem. Asterios shares some elaborate techniques for damage control, while Sriracha's advice is just wait it out and enjoy your smart-kid muffins.

---
If you have a question for Asterios and Sriracha, visit the Submit Question page on www.asterioskillsakid.com.
* Absolutely NOT pedophilia.

---
TRANSCRIPT:
[Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays, starting loud, then fading.]
Asterios: Alright. What's this podcast we're doing?
Sriracha: "Asterios Kills a Kid".
Asterios: Oh- I don't- is that the name of it?
Sriracha: Yes.
Asterios: Okay, I like that name. Originally it was called "Asterios Kokki-Knows". You remember that?
Sriracha: Now it's called "Asterios Kokki-Kills a Kid".
Asterios: Okay, that's harder to spel- let's just go with "Asterios Kills a Kid". For SEO purposes.
Sriracha: [laughs] I like it.
Asterios: Because no one's been able to spell "Kokki-Knows". It's, it's not gonna work.
Sriracha: Uh, but can they spell "Kokki-Kill a kid?"
Asterios: No! They- that's what I'm saying, just "Asterios Kills a Kid." [Sriracha laughs] I like that.
Sriracha: I don't know that sets up a whole precedent though like do we have to kill the kids? Or can we just severely injure the kids?
Asterios: Well, we're not doing anything. We're just giving advice. Alright so here's how this show works. It's based on a Five Minute Podcast concept, and if you don't know what that is that's not that important. But a listener of mine, named Jesse, every month he would send me real questions from kids. And he would want me to- to answer them! Like the kinds of questions from kids that would be in "Seventeen Magazine" or, uh what are other kid- like "Teen Beat" what- what do kids read I dunno!
Sriracha: "Girl... Talk"
Asterios: Is that a magazine?
Sriracha: No "Girls' Life." That's what it is.
Asterios: [interjecting] "Girls' Life?"
Sriracha: Yeah.
Asterios: Yeah exactly! Which is the worst "Boys' Life". My god.
Sriracha: Is "Boys' Life" a thing?
Asterios: Yeah "Boys' Life" is great, it would teach you how to like set fires and stuff and... like how to tie tourniquet, and then "Girls' Life" was all like, "Here's the highlighter you'll need to not get bullied this year."
Sriracha: Why the fuck [laughs] were they teaching- why would you ever need to tie a tourniquet if you're a 14 year old boy?
Asterios: That's what the boy scouts is. The boy scouts is training you for woodland adventures you will never have.
Sriracha: What like a James Franco's "148 Hours" situation?
Transcriber's Note: the film is actually called "127 Hours"
Asterios: Ab-so-lutely, as a kid I learned how to tie a tourniquet in Boy Scouts. They would teach you how to treat severe third degree burns. They would teach you how to tie obscure knots that were used on ships in the seventeen hundreds that you would never need. What did they teach you in girl scouts?
Sriracha: I actually was a girl scout and not- our girl scouts did a lot of hiking for some reason? We also did a lot of singing. For [laughs] I don't know why.
Asterios: Really?
Sriracha: Yes. [laughs]
Asterios: Like what would you guys sing like the national anthem or "The Star Spangled Banner?"
Sriracha: I have no fucking clue but there was a girl names Kylie Eickelberg [laughs]
Asterios: Okay.
Sriracha: Kylie Eickelberger, who- oh my god this pissed me off so much, I just have very- one specific weird memory about girl scouts. So when you're a girl scout you have to decide on a troupe crest, right?
Asterios: Okay.
Sriracha: Between- from like the standard twenty designed embroidered patches that they sell right?
Asterios: Mhmm.
Sriracha: So, a lot of them were flowers. Specific types of flowers? There was like a unicorn; I was partial to the unicorn. I thought it looked really cute.
Asterios: Okay.
Sriracha: So one day we had to vote, and Kylie Eickelberger was super popular and for some reason she was like bizarrely obsessed with dogs? Like you know "horse girls" right?
Asterios: Yeah!
Sriracha: This girl was a dog girl.
Asterios: Okay.
Sriracha: And one of the flowers there was ugly, but it was called Dogwood.
Asterios: [interjecting] Yes!
Sriracha: And she convinced the whole troupe to vote for it- I'm like, motherfucker, the only reason you like this is because it has the word "dog" in it you transparent whore.
Asterios: Okay: A) That's a little harsh for you to call an eleven year old girl who was-
Sriracha: Nah, fuck you!
Asterios: Okay: B) It's not like dogwood is shaped like little dogs. It's just ugly—
Sriracha: [interjecting] It's ugly white flowers, and the word dogwood was not even printed on the patch. It was just the name of the patch. So we had to wear these ugly-ass dogwood crests for no other reason than the fact that Kylie wanted something with the word "dog."
Asterios: Alright, well I guess that's our first bit of advice, like, if Kylie Eickelberger tries to fuck over your troupe with a dumb non-flower crest just go "Fuck you you-" what did you call her?
Asterios: [in unison] A transparent whor-
Sriracha: [in unison] A transparent bitch. [laughs]
Asterios: I think you- what you said was worse than that.
Sriracha: Nah I don't think so.
Asterios: Alright. So um...
Sriracha: Is that doxing? [laughs]
Asterios: No, it is. But what- also whatever.
Sriracha: No, but she got married so she changed her last name.
Asterios: Perfect! And, [sighs] is it really doxing if she's so terrible? I mean—
Sriracha: [interjecting] It's just saying her name, I'm not saying she's- well I'm clearly saying she did something wrong, but... fifteen years ago.
Asterios: I think you're cool. I mean like, that's a terrible thing to do. And Kylie, if you're listening... email us and apologize.
Sriracha: Apologize.
Asterios: Alright!
Sriracha: Email into the show, we will read your apology on air.
Asterios: Yeah.
Sriracha: Nobody's gonna to listen to this.
Asterios: What are you talking about? Nobody's going to listen to a podcast called "Asterios Kills a Kid?"
Sriracha: Asterios Kokki-Kills a-
Asterios: Tha- we're not calling it that. That's impossible to google.
Sriracha: Kokki-Kills a Kit 'n Kaboodle.
Asterios: [laughs] Oh god now you're making it- alright. Bottom line, on this show, which Jesse, again hat-tip he designed the website, he's the reason we're doing this 'cause he, every month he would send different questions from kids. We're gonna answer real questions from kids and we're gonna give them real advice. So this is the kind of podcast that I want you the listener to listen to with your kid. Get your kid. Sit 'em down. 'Cause they're gonna learn valuable lessons. Like, they've already learned like, "Don't fuck up your flowers or fifteen years later podcasters are gonna dox you.
Sriracha: I'm just saying- it's not- saying someone's name is not doxing.
Asterios: Suuure it's nooot...
Sriracha: It's not like I'm saying like, where she works.
Asterios: Oooh of course, noo of course- alright look. Let's get to our first question.
Sriracha: Ready.
Asterios: Here's our first question. These questions were sent to us by Jesse. I've never read them. So... if there's terrible stuff in these questions, blame Jesse.
Sriracha: Oh that's great, great podcast setup. [Asterios laughs]
Asterios: "Hi, I am 13 and now suddenly growing up is a big deal. It has just happened, if you know what I mean." I don't. Know what that...
Sriracha: I- I have no idea and I'm scared now.
Asterios: Okay, "I don't want to grow up. I don't want to tell my Mom because I am super embarrassed about it. But I really need help. I've been playing with ALL my old toys lately, wearing butterfly shirts and watching cartoons. I'd do ANYTHING to be 8 again. I still have a nightlight, sleep with 10 million stuffed animals, and play with all my Barbies. I refuse to go to school dances and struggle in math. I freak out every day because I just don't want to grow up. I want to play on playgrounds forever. I want my Mom to still read me bedtime stories. I just want to be little. Please help me!" Signed, "Growing Up, 13"
Sriracha: Well Growing Up 13, I got some really good news for ya, ready? [Asterios laughs] We got this thing called DDLG now? Age play? You're gonna fucking shit yourself.
Asterios: What are you even talking about?
Sriracha: You don't know what that is?
Asterios: No!
Sriracha: Oh okay, so let me describe DDLG, which is absolutely NOT pedophilia. So, DDLG stands for "Daddy Dom - Little Girl." [fainting sounds from Asterios] And it is a sexual fetish that involves - usually the man - being a dominating... pretending that uh the girl is a small child. Remember, absolutely not pedophilia-
*Asterios:* Sure.
Sriracha: -or a symptom of maybe something wrong in your brain. Oh we and- best thing about growin' up 13- Growing Up 13? You know what? We can't say shit about this anymore. We have to all just be like, "Okay yeah that's alright." [laughs]
Asterios: Yeah you're right.
Sriracha: We're yeah two consenting adults. Yeah, that's fine.
Asterios: If we say there's something wrong with them we're trying to control people's bedroom behavior.
Sriracha: You don't wanna yuck anybody's yums Asterios.
Asterios: I still can't believe that's a real phrase.
Sriracha: It's not. [laughs]
Asterios: No it is, I've heard "don't yuck my yum" with- in reference to like bronies and furries and stuff. You know how like we're not allowed to make fun of furries and bronies because it's like, their body their choice. Their costume, covered in blank, their... it's just like: wow. Maybe republicans are right. Maybe things are too PC.
Sriracha: Yeahh, I think we need to build the wall, but around BronyCon. Not like, forget Mexico they can all come in like, we need to build a wall around every anime convention centre.
Asterios: YUP.
Sriracha: In the United States.
Asterios: Yeah that sounds like an appropriate use of- alright. Here's what I would tell this little girl. Okay, A) I would not tell her about the sexual fetish where she gets to pretend to be a little girl fucking her dad. I wouldn't tell her that. Here's what I would tell her: honestly, in America you can be a child forever. Think about Seth Rogan, and James Franco, and all these "Freaks and Geeks" kids. They are living in "Arrested Development:" a non-stop childhood. James Franco is almost forty now, and he's still acting like a little teenage creep. And he'll act like a teenage creep until he dies! If you become rich, you can be a kid forever. Think about, our president! [solemnly] Our great president Donald J. Trump who I voted for and support. [back to normal] He has a button on his desk in the White House, but when he pushes the button? Someone brings him a Coke.
Sriracha: I've heard he drinks twelve Diet Cokes a day, is that true?
Asterios: I've heard- look. I'm not gonna go out on a limb and say exactly how many diet cokes he drinks a day but the word around the water cooler is the guy drinks a lot of Diet Cokes. And he's also tweeted before, "I've never seen a skinny person drinking a Diet Coke. Which is a weird self-own.
Sriracha: Yeah he is also very fat.
Asterios: Yeah, but what I'm sayin' is, having a red button that you push and someone brings you a soda? That's what like a five-year-old would draw in an inventions contest.
Sriracha: Dude you're absolutely right. I never thought about that before but you're right.
Asterios: Yeah!
Sriracha: Like if you were a kid [unintelligible] [talking in dumb kid voice] "I'm gonna have Kentucky Fried Chicken every day for dinner and Imah have a button in my president office that I push and they bring me a Coke on a silver tray!" Like it sounds like a child's fantasy of what being in power is like.
Asterios: It's absolutely does.
Sriracha: And homework's illegal!
Asterios: Yes! It's so... so Growing Up 13, you can dress like you're young forever. Like you can- you can. If you're in your thirties and you're just wearing pajamas and stuff, that's like a style. There's girls in New York in their thirties and forties and all they wear are yoga clothes. Like, all they're wearing are sweat pants and sweat shirts.
Sriracha: See I was gonna say get involved in Lolita culture.
Asterios: I-
Sriracha: Shut up it's not a sex thing! I'm talkin' about like the clothing style. Haven't you ever seen like those cute little... uh women in the Japanese fashion magazines that like have the parasol and the whole like Victorian dress?
Asterios: Okay, you're talking about the "Gothic Lolita Harajuku Girl" style.
Sriracha: Yes.
Asterios: Okay, you understand that Lolita is a Russian book-
Sriracha: I know what the word means I'm not retarded.
Asterios: I didn't think you- okay [exasperated groan] oh my God you're the most problematic girlfriend in the world.
Sriracha: Okay, I don't have a "learning disability". I know what the word means.
Asterios:[sighs] There are kids listening to this!
Sriracha: [innocently] Hi kids!
Asterios: Anyway. Yeah! Just get rich. You can walk around in sweats all day. You can eat candy for dinner. They made a- there's a chain of candy stores called Dylan's Candy Shop, which is about selling candy to like rich women. So you could- you could eat licorice for dinner all goddamn day!
Sriracha: They got a wall in the one in Manhattan-
Asterios: Yeah.
Sriracha: With uh, celebrities, when celebrities come in they get to pick their favorite little box of candy and then they do a little signature, it's like "Ooh Kendall Jenner eats Kit-Kats just like me!"
Asterios: Oh my God.
Sriracha: She definitely does not.
Asterios: No, no she absolutely- no I think that she has probably trained her body to- the moment she sees a Kit-Kat immediately throw up just in case.
Sriracha: You're about to ingest it, she just has to smell it. It's like that uh, when you- like when you drink too much next morning you smell vodka and wanna vomit.
Asterios: Yeah, there was a pill that alcoholics would take in the 80's that would make you vomit at even the smell of alcohol.
Sriracha: That sounds really inconvenient. [Asterios laughs]
Asterios: Yes, almost as inconvenient as drinking and driving and killing your family.
Sriracha: That's like a permanent solution to a temporary problem [unintelligible].
Asterios: Nah I completely agree. You wanna read our next question?
Sriracha: Yes I would love to.
Asterios: Huh, let's do this one 'cause this one is uh, this one's a little different.
Sriracha: Okay. [clears throat, then speaks in nasally voice] "My boyfriend and I have been going for ten llloooooooooonnng months." [Asterios laughs] That's how it is spelled, it's kinda got twelve o's in the word.
Asterios: I know, I love it.
Sriracha: "Recently I've found myself getting irritated with him all the time. He's very clingy, and even though I've talked to him about it, he won't give me space. He liked me for a lot longer than I have liked him and every time he thinks I'm even slightly annoyed with him he feels the need to call me and talk about our feelings. I have been considering breaking up with him for awhile now because I'm just not happy with him any more, but I don't want to regret it later or hurt him because he is very sensitive." from Carrie, 16 years old.
Asterios: Uh oh.
Sriracha: Sound like trouble in paradise!
Asterios: [laughs] Oh my God. Huh...
Sriracha: Can't relate 'cause I am the needy boyfriend.
Asterios: Really?
Sriracha: Of course!
Asterios: T- tell me about it.
Sriracha: You know!
Asterios: Well the listener doesn't.
Sriracha: Well sometimes I just sa- I call you to say "Am I annoying?" [laughs]
Asterios: That has happened. On Friday you told me that when I tell you "I love you," you'd also like to hear, "and I'm not annoying."
Sriracha: Yeah.
Asterios: "And I'm not cringy." So all weekend I've been going, [smoothly] "I love you, and, you're not annoying, and you're not cringy, and you're very pretty." And when I say that how does it make you feel?
Sriracha: It makes me feel good.
Asterios: You see, here's what I like about this relationship: you literally tell me what you need. And then I'm like, "Okay, that's what I need to do. Got it. She likes getting texts, she likes getting calls, apparently now she likes being explicitly told she's not annoying" [Sriracha laughs]
Sriracha: Hell yeah.
Asterios: I can fuck- I can fucking do that! You give- you give a man a list, he'll go down the list, he'll do the thing. It's why- it's why guys like IKEA Furniture, like it's all laid out. You don't even have to know English! It's perfect!
Sriracha: I've never put together an IKEA furniture. Is it difficult?
Asterios: It's not that difficult, but it's a step-by-st- honestly, if you've put together like a lego playset? It's exactly the same. Both Lego and IKEA, I think they're both like Swedish companies or they're- they're at least both like super-white European. And then if you read through like a- like a Lego book or an IKEA manual it's just pictures, there's no words. It's like "Do this. Put this. Connect this to that." And they fall apart immediately during an earthquake but like... [Sriracha laughs] IKEA furniture- I think there's one IKEA shelf that has now killed eleven kids.
Sriracha: In Japan, this is a fun fact, they have- because they get so many earthquakes they have these bars that like you have to take... hang on let me get my [voice trails off as she leaves the mic]. So they got bars right? And they look like a rod, like an 'H' shape. And what you need to do is you need to take the- flip it so the leg of the 'H' is on the top of like your book shelf? And then extend it upwards like a tension rod to keep the bookshelf in place from the ceiling.
Asterios: Yeah.
Sriracha: Because [laughs] Japan gets so many earthquakes that like it's a serious problem, furniture falling and killing people.
Asterios: Yeah. That's really smart. We should all be doing that anyway just in case.
Sriracha: At least in California.
Asterios: Yeah! Absolutely, I- like so many kids now are dying because they're pulling TVs onto themselves.
Sriracha: They make uh- rods for that now, did you see that? They make these uh- like strings you have to attach to your wall so your toddler doesn't pull your TV down.
Asterios: Yeah! Yes! Exactly! Ah, what is it with these fucking kids? They love killing themselves.
Sriracha: Pretty much the first two years of a child's life is preventing it from creatively murdering itself.
Asterios: Yeah absolu- I would never think to stick a fork in a socket. And I don't mean because it like [mock intellectual voice] "Oh I'm more logical than that." It's just like, I have better things to do.
Sriracha: Than stick forks in- and eat batteries.
Asterios: Yeah! I- absolutely it's like you know what, I'm not gonna eat a battery because fried chicken tastes delicious, candy tastes good, I could have a milkshake! Batteries don't even look like they're delicious.
Sriracha: See the difference is that you have teeth.
Asterios: Ooh, okay. I get it.
Sriracha: I mean- I mean you could choose to chew on a battery with those teeth. Or you could choose to have some delicious fried chicken.
Asterios: You know, here's what I've heard about licking a battery. It gives you like a little pleasant shock.
Sriracha: Pleasant what? What the fuck have you done this?
Asterios: Um, do you wanna lick a battery right now?
Sriracha: No I don't want to lick a battery.
Asterios: Okay 'cause if you lick a battery like it gives you like a little tingle.
Sriracha: Aw you- you've got brain damage.
Asterios: [laughs] Look, I've never done it. But, that' what it does, you lick a battery. Are you sure you don't wanna lick a battery right now?
Sriracha: I heard asbestos is really tasty.
Asterios: That's the thing, apparently it is. That's why kids would eat asbestos.
Sriracha: Hey kids you know you got cotton candy in your walls?
Asterios: [laughs] Oh my God. Wait, don't we have to help this kid? What does he want?
Sriracha: Candice wants to- oh Carrie-
Asterios: [interjecting] Oh, get rid of the clinger. Clinger boyfriend. Um, hmmm. What the hell are you getting out of this relationship like is this kid good at sex, does he have a lot of money? Like, there has to be some reason that she's with him for ten months other than just guilt. Like what- were the first five months good, like what was the initial draw?
Sriracha: Yeah, I say get him a hobby.
Asterios: That's a really, you know what?
Sriracha: 'Cause right now his hobby is "Girlfriend".
Asterios: You should get him into like Gamergate. And Bitcoin. You should get him into like all these alt-right obsessions. Uh, show him 4chan and get him super into the Trump campaign. Have him stand up for uh ethics in video game journalism. You get this guy- show this guy how to build a Bitcoin mining rig? You need to give him one of these super hobbies where he will just fall down the rabbit hole.
Sriracha: Or yeah, get- sign him up for Kiwi Farms or something. Dude, I spend so much time on Kiwi Farms.
Asterios: What is Kiwi Farms exactly?
Sriracha: Uh, Kiwi Farms is a website that is devoted to documenting the lives of people who choose to go on the Internet and post bizarre things either about themselves or about their crusades.
Asterios: Okay, I keep hearing that like, there's this Chris Chan guy. Apparently Chris Chan is someone who the entire internet has decided to bully all at once.
Sriracha: Uh, Chris Chan's kinda not active anymore. It's not fu- Chris Chan used to be very very funny. I haven't been on the Internet for quite a while and I remember when Chris Chan was the, the big lolcow that everybody was milking.
Asterios: A lo- what is a lolcow and what is m- milking?
Sriracha: A lolcow is like a cow you milk for lols. I don't underst- it's a simile.
Asterios: Okay.
Sriracha: Just roll with it.
Asterios: Uh I will.
Sriracha: Uh the thing about Chris Chan that was very funny was that he would make these videos of himself just screaming into the camera. Like it was so bizarre because the dude could not control his emotions whatsoever. Like people would- trolls would call him stupid- he has these we- he used to have this weird hate for gays. Which is weird because now um, Chris Chan has come out as a trans lesbian woman.
Asterios: Okay.
Sriracha: And Christine is her uh name that she's going by now.
Asterios: Okay.
Sriracha: But when Christine was Christian, she had this weird hate for gays, and so what trolls would do is uh- Chris Chan ran this website about where he could upload like Sonichu comics and stuff.
Asterios: Soni- you're saying all this stuff like I know what-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Okay, yeah. Okay so Christian used to make comics that blablabla- and he-
Asterios: [interjecting] What is Sonichu?
Sriracha: Sonichu is a mix between a Pikachu and Sonic the Hedgehog. And actually I've read the comics. It makes sense, like the way Chris Chan wrote the story, it makes sense how Sonic and- like a Sonic and a Pikachu both get struck by li- are in a tree or something and the tree gets struck by lightning, so they fuse together into Sonichu. So Chris Chan used to write these Sonichu comics and I have no idea if Sonichu is still going...
Asterios: Okay...
Sriracha: But he had a website where he could upload all of his comics that was pretty much troll free because usually when he made a- like a Wordpress one it would be instantly hacked.
Asterios: [both laugh] Oh my go- what? Oh my God.
Sriracha: Uh one- at one point someone pretending to be the CEO of Nintendo contacted Chris and convinced him that he was going to get Sonichu put into Animal Crossing, so Chris immediately handed over the keys to like the website.
Asterios: "I'm the president of Nintendo and I wanna put Sonichu into my video game. All I need is your authentication tokens and I'll get right-" what? What- why would a Nintendo executive need access to the CMS and backend? To put a dra... okay.
Sriracha: Uh, so when he was finally given this uh, wiki, where they could upload all the Sonichu comics, what trolls started doing is buying like, ad-space with homo- like trans lifeline or ho- or "Are you gay? Is Chris gay?" [laughs]
Asterios: Okay, okay. That's pretty funny. No- now uh, alright well I guess taunting a homophobe is okay, although it does make you sad that is turns out later that he- all this homophobia was entirely self-hating behavior. But that's kinda what most homophobes do like, if you spend this much time thinking about gays and why they're bad it's like, y-you kinda like boys.
Sriracha: One time, Chris drank a cup of his own semen mixed with Fanta-
Asterios: [interjecting] No! No! No! No! No. Whoa.
Sriracha: [laughs] So kids don't do that.
Asterios: Are you just trying to get me to throw up? I'm drinking cherry Coke Zero and cheap whiskey right now. Please.
Sriracha: You gotta- you gotta sniff it.
Asterios: Swirl it? Sniff it?
Sriracha: Yeah, you gotta get all the flavors. [laughs]
Asterios: Oh my god.
Sriracha: Um, yeah no so I would say get a Kiwi Farms account because I check that website if not every day, every couple of hours. [laughs]
Asterios: Alright. Well, this is- that's- in a weird way that's actually some pretty good advice. Get him another obsession, and he will leave you alone. And he'll leave you so alone that you'll actually kinda start to get jealous. And you'll start wanting his time and you'll be reaching out to him. Because right now this, this puppy's followin' you around. How do you get a puppy to follow you? You walk away from it. But, the moment he becomes a crypto miner or writes his own parody comic where he puts together Tails and Bulbasaur [Sriracha laughs], and calls it... Bails.
Sriracha: Oh it is not a parody.
Asterios: What?
Sriracha: Um, Chris is- no Chris is blatantly stealing from trademarked characters. He is insistent that it is his own original creation.
Asterios: [deadpan] Really?
Sriracha: He used to, I dunno if he's into it any more.
Asterios: Okay. That's weird. This guy- you know what, now- now when we- I'm gonna have to move on because now that I think about him I think about that gross thing you said?
Sriracha: Yeah.
Asterios: I don't think that I ever want to hear about this person again.
Sriracha: Dude made a sex tape of him and a blowup doll. [Asterios makes an exasperated sigh] It's been viewed by millions of people.
Asterios: Did he at least monetize the video?
Sriracha: No it's on Pornhub.
Asterios: Ah this poor kid. Jesus Christ. Alright let's-
Sriracha: [interjecting] Julayyy. Julayyy.
Asterios: What are you saying?
Sriracha: That's uh, a famous quote from this uh sex doll videos. Uh, Chris screams, "Julaayyy! Julaaayy!"
Asterios: Did he name the sex doll July?
Sriracha: Yeah.
Asterios: Okay. Why, is there like a girl he's obsessed with named July?
Sriracha: Yeah, do you remember I was telling you I was telling you yesterday- "This whole time you've been having sex with a thirteen year old boy you sick-" July was a kid speaking in a bad falsetto pretending to be his girlfriend.
Asterios: Uh huh, okay so yes so, a thirteen year old boy, in order to milk this lolcow tricked this Chris guy into thinking that he was his online girlfriend, and that at one point, when the jig was up, the thirteen year old quote "girl" revealed himself to be a thirteen year old boy and said...
Sriracha: I'm gonna give all your data to Chris Hansen you sick fuck.
Asterios: And just started screaming that and I suppose there is a video out there where, what I can only assume uh, is a mentally ill woman named Chris Chan-
Sriracha: Christine.
Asterios: Christine Chan is getting pumped by a thirteen year old b- oh my G- the internet is a bad idea.
Sriracha: I- we were talking about this yesterday don't you think the Internet has really rotted people's brains?
Asterios: I think it's rotted your brain.
Sriracha: It absolutely has.
Asterios: Yeah, 'cause I at least- I'm old enough that I remember getting the Internet. I was in- I think I was fourteen, and we got AOL, and-
Sriracha: [interjecting] I remember getting the Internet.
Asterios: You do?
Sriracha: Yeah I'm not... that young.
Asterios: Yeah you are.
Sriracha: We had dial up.
Asterios: But your whole life you've had the in- you've- there has never been a point in your life where there has not been an Internet.
Sriracha: Yes there has been.
Asterios: Really?
Sriracha: Yes.
Asterios: What when you were two?
Sriracha: We got the Internet when I was like seven or something.
Asterios: But you knew about it when you were six and five and four and three.
Sriracha: I don't think I- I don't remember.
Asterios: Okay.
Sriracha: I remember getting our first computer and shitting my pants.
Asterios: Oh that's awesome.
Sriracha: Literally shitting my pants 'cause I was three. [laughs]
Asterios: Goddamn, alright let's read one more question. Okay, Kaitlyn writes... oh no this is too dark. Uh...
Sriracha: What is it with all these suicide...
Asterios: Oh my God hold on, oh no. Okay you ready?
Sriracha: Yup.
Asterios: This year, Embarrassed writes: "This year I was pushed forward a grade and now I have no friends in class." BRAG.
Sriracha: Yeah, humble brag. Already annoying, I see why you have no friends.
Asterios: "I have been trying to make friends, but today at lunch I had a hole in the front of my track pants and "it" flopped out. I was sitting on the floor and the whole class saw. I did not notice until a girl told me. I don't know what to do. I will never make friends now. I tried to convince my mom to home school me and she said no. Help!" signed, Embarrassed. Seven years old. This happened to me.
Sriracha: What?
Asterios: I wasn't a kid thank God, but, there's a video of me and I think you can Google it on youtube uh- it was me playing lingerie basketball for the now defunct television network "Fuel TV." And so, you know we did a sketch where like me and this other great comedian Chris Fairbanks, we went down to a lingerie basketball game and I dressed up in lingerie. And at one point one of my balls fell out of the panties and the whole crew, everybody, a bunch of professional lingerie-wearing basketball players and all my co-workers who were there directing and producing the shoot saw one of my balls. And they were like, "Asterios. Asterios. Your shorts." And I was like, "What? What?" And they go like "Your shorts. Your shorts. Your shorts." And I was like, "What? What's wrong?" and I look down and I'm like, "Oooh my God."
Transcriber's Note: Here's the link to the referenced video: https://youtu.be/suP6oz16F04
Sriracha: Okay here's a couple differences between your story and what happened to Embarrassed.
Asterios: Okay.
Sriracha: First of all, you were wearing a weird little outfit.
Asterios: True.
Sriracha: So you ah- the risk for ball slips is [laughs]- risk for balls being out of the court is much higher. This kid was wearing track pants, and when- now when he says, "it", I'm assuming he means his penis.
Asterios: Yeah.
Sriracha: And he's seven years old. So I don't think his balls have dropped yet. Or if they have, they're not big enough that they could be floppin' aroun- man how big is the hole in your shorts? Why aren't you wearing underwear? How did you not know- and how did you not notice? Like, wouldn't the cold- like if my tit was out I feel like I would instantly feel the cold on my nipple.
Asterios: I don't know if that's true because there's a lot of wardrobe malfunction gifs of celebrities on the red carpet and all of a sudden there's a nip slip and they don't know.
Sriracha: They don't?
Asterios: Yes! That's how- 'cause if they did they would immediately put it away. But it's like you see like all of these pictures of like, oh, here's Katy Perry and she's like waving at people and then like, oh, her nipple's out.
Sriracha: I dunno, Janet Jackson knew immediately.
Asterios: Well that was different, because what happened to Janet Jackson was, Justin Timberlake was supposed to rip off part of her top, and like she was wearing like tear-away clothes. So it was like- there was a pasty underneath but like she was gonna cover up. But like apparently whatever like the rip-away shit that she was supposed to do like it just didn't work, and he accidentally ripped off the whole top.
Sriracha: Was it a pasty? Because I remember about the- when that whole scandal happened, I remember looking at the nipple, because obviously it was the first thing I wanted to do is see the nipple 'cause I'm... I don't watch sports. And I remember thinking like, "What is on your nipple? Do you have like ninja st- a shooting star?
Asterios: Yeah, she had a pasty.
Sriracha: Oh, see I thought it was a- some kind of bizarre piercing.
Asterios: Oh no no no no no. No no, like, girls wear- they're like band-aids. It's- it's like they're like these like stickers that you can put on your-
Sriracha: [high pitched] I know what a pasty is mm-
Asterios: Do you?
Sriracha: Yes.
Asterios: You ever worn them?
Sriracha: No.
Asterios: Why?
Sriracha: 'Cause I'm not, a prostitute or a stripper.
Asterios: I dunno, could be fun. [unintelligible]
Sriracha: I've put band-aids over my nipple a couple times.
Asterios: You have?
Sriracha: Yeah you got to uh, when ya run like long distance races.
Asterios: Oh yeah.
Sriracha: Your nipples bleed, like they rub against the fabric of your bra.
Asterios: I've heard about that.
Sriracha: You gotta put a few band-aids on your nipples. [laughs]
Asterios: Instead of- why don't you give them like sexy like, sparkly pasties? So like, while you're running you can run with confidence and style?
Sriracha: I like that, I'll bring that up at the next meeting.
Asterios: Of your high school track team?
Sriracha: Yeah. [both laugh]
Asterios: Okay, how do we help this kid? Everybody saw his penis. I mean I think... [Sriracha laughs] the first thing you need to do is like, try to ma- I- like I don't- like okay here's the thing. You- this is a bad hand. There are no- there are no moves that will get you to zero. Like you're already in the hole.
Sriracha: You're already penis through the shorts kid.
Asterios: Yeah, it's just about- at this point it's like damage control. You could kind of make a gag out of it and like, you could bring like- you could have like a fake penis pop out at one point in the middle of class? And it's like all big and like everyone laughs at you and like now you're like the class clown 'cause like you got this big fake penis like- ahH?
Sriracha: Was the "arm penis" thing a thing in your high school too or was that just a weird-
Asterios: The "arm penis thing?"
Sriracha: So there was a bizarre trend or something. It went on in my highschool where guys thought it was the funniest goddamn thing in the world to- I'm not wearing jeans, but like you know the fly where your jeans would be?
Asterios: Yeah.
Sriracha: They would stick their hand through there, and they would go and they would flop it on the desk and like make a noise. And like at first glance, like if you were just walking by you'd like- it looks like this dude has like a foot long penis sticking out on the desk but obviously it's just and arm through the jeans. So maybe you could start doing that.
Asterios: That's better 'cause A) I don't know how a seven year old's gonna get a hold of a fake penis. [Sriracha laughs] Yeah, that's good. Just at some point during the day scare people with your big fake arm penis. And now you've rolled it into your character, and now like you're like, "Big Cock Boy." And maybe pay someone to- give someone fifty bucks to be like, "You a good nickname for that guy would be, 'Big Cock Boy!'" Like, try to- you gotta seed it. 'Cause obviously you can't give yourself a nickname but, if you hire influencers essentially- find the popular kid in your school, pay them...
Sriracha: And get them to do the thing Trump does where he just says the nickname over and over again and then everybody starts using it.
Asterios: Yes, exactly.
Sriracha: Like, "Low Energy Jeb." What were some other ones?
Asterios: I never-
Sriracha: [interjecting] "Little Marco"
Asterios: I never thought of Jeb Bush as low energy until he said that, and the moment he did I was like, "That is a- he is a low energy motherfuck-"
Sriracha: Please clap.
Asterios: Yes! I would just think like, "Oh this guy's boring. Oh this guy's vanilla."
Sriracha: You know what the funniest goddamned thing about Jeb is?
Asterios: Tell me.
Sriracha: It's that in any other year, like if Trump did not relentlessly bully this guy, he probably would have become President.
Asterios: Yes that is absolutely true, because everybody called him like, "The Smart Bush." It was like, "Oh, this is the guy that should have run in 2000."
Sriracha: Right, like you've got unlimited money, you've got two people in your family that were in politics.
Asterios: Your dad ran the CIA, your dad has unlimited oil money, YUP. Your brother was president, not a great president but you're still connected to the Republican party!
Sriracha: And you're like, you've been bred from birth to be in the- like the Bush political empire. And then some jackass comes along and starts calling you names and cutting you off in debates and it derails- you know how many millions of dollars Jeb must have wasted on his campaign?
Asterios: He was the governor of Florida. One of the- no, it's the most important- Florida and Ohio are the two most important states in an election because they both have a shitload of electoral votes, and they're both purple states, like they could go either way. It's like, California's always gonna be Democratic, Texas is always gonna be Republican, but it's like, this guy had every advantage... but... he got called names, by a much funnier guy. He got bu- he's a sixty year old that got bullied by a seventy year old. It never ends!
Sriracha: [laughs] You ever seen that video? Somebody composed a- like a compilation of all the times Jeb got cut off-
Asterios: No.
Sriracha: During the debates and Trump is li- he starts to go say something he's like, "Oh you know-" and then Trump's just like, "Jeb! Jeb! Jeb! Jeb! Jeb!" [laughs] And Jeb shuts up. Uh what were we talking about? I mean, if you want real advice, for this kid, it's: you're seven. Like, just- there was a girl that was in my middle school that I- well actually this goes- this contradicts what I was gonna- about to say. I was gonna say just ignore it. Like, pretend it never happened. 'Cause there's not-
Asterios: [interjecting] I don't think you can.
Sriracha: There's nothing you can do though.
Asterios: [sighs] Look, I agree that trying to turn it into a gag is a long shot. But the longer shot is now you're Penis Bo- like, it's- you gotta do s- you can't do nothing. I mean, him going to his mom and saying "Home-school me?" That is a solution. Or at least transfer him.
Sriracha: Right, go to like Catholic School or somethin'.
Asterios: Yeah, dooo some- you should leave school.
Sriracha: Dude there was a bizarre- there was a Catholic school?
Asterios: Yeah?
Sriracha: This has nothing to do with anything but was it normal- 'cause remember yesterday we were talkin' about those kids that got like chained up in their basement or something?
Asterios: Yes.
Sriracha: Okay, but like how did- in- I don't know how it is in New York but where I grew up, every so often we had to take state testing, and then we would have to go to like this test room where- who wasn't our teacher, and there would be kids that we'd never seen before-
Asterios: Yeah.
Sriracha: Taking these tests.
Asterios: That's the thing I don't understand about the kids getting chained up story, which is 'cause they were all home-schooled- well-
Sriracha: [interjecting] You still have to take standardized tests.
Asterios: Well yeah 'cause I think they were in California. I remember in New York we had to take like, they were called like the "Iowas." The Iowa state exam. I don't know why they called it that, we lived in New York, but they called it-
Sriracha: Wait what?
Asterios: They call them the Iowa- I guess maybe at one point Iowa had a really good state exam and New York was just like, [New York scumbag intonation] "We'll license it from you. It's a lot cheaper and easier than making our own."
Sriracha: I like how you did the Trump voice. [laughs]
Asterios: 'Cause Trump's a New Yorker! And that's the kind of like New York scumbag that would do that. Just like [Trump voice] "Yoink! Thanks for the test losers! There's the only good-"
Sriracha: [interjecting in Trump voice] "Nobody likes Iowa anyway."
Asterios: [Trump voice] "This is the only thing you're known for. You, and that fictional Captain Kirk came from Iowa."
Sriracha: [Trump voice] "And potatooes- oh wait that's Idaho."
Asterios: [Trump voice] "Iowa you're a failure, you're a disaster, you're a bunch a' losers." [both laugh] Oh my God.
Sriracha: Um, no but there was some weirdo- I remember talking to some of 'em, and they were- 'cause it was bizarre because they were like, super smart but then like- they could spell words that we didn't even know how to pronounce, and they knew like every country and it's capital in Africa, but then they'd be like, "What's a t- what's Saturday Night Live?"
Asterios: Yup. [Sriracha laughs] That sounds about right. Yup. I know exac- 'cause yeah look I remember- I remember taking standardized test after standardized test, and our teachers really freaking out about them because apparently like, teacher pay was linked to our performance on this test.
Sriracha: Us too.
Asterios: Yeah! I remember like my teacher like having a fuckin' shit-fit about these tests and me just being like, "This is not that big of a deal, like I d- whatever. It's just some dumb test." Um, yeah so I don't know how the hell those chained up kids did not have to take the Iowas or whatever the fuck they were.
Sriracha: You wanna know something fucked up? Speaking of like teachers.
Asterios: [mumbling in background] Oh God. Oh no.
Sriracha: So they divided us by um, at- what I would say like skill level. Very- like- at least ten- I'm not gonna say "intelligence" but skill level at taking these tests.
Asterios: Sure, aptitude.
Sriracha: Yeah. And I was always in the top kids. And I- what I found out is they would like, treat us real good. Like we got to go home after half the day, we got like, snacks. Like they would bring us food, and then we got to go take breaks and get juice, and what I found out eventually from- 'cause one of my best friends in high school, uh, moved here from Poland, so couldn't speak great English? She was always in like the bottom obviously because she's still learning how to put sentences together. And I was like- I remember off-hand bringing it up I'm like, "Aw man those muffins were really good," and she was like, "What the fuck? What? Muffins?" And they weren't feeding- like- [laughs] lower level kids, like it was just the people that they expected to perform really well, they're like, "Alright! we're gonna bank all our money on these guys!"
Asterios: Honestly that's a good- that's a terrible strategy but it's a good one 'cause it's just like, if you can make these super high-performing kids chilled and relaxed and not stressed? They're gonna do so well that these dummies- they'll do better than the dummies will do worse.
Sriracha: Right and we got like the favorite teachers- always got to proctor our exam, and it was a real nice day. But apparently, the dumb kids, or the kids that didn't perform as well on these tests were like getting really- shafted pretty damn hard.
Asterios: Yeah they were just completely written off. [Sriracha laughs] Oh my goodness. But. You can't argue with the- with the logic and the math of it.
Sriracha: Yeah it was a really big high school. To be fair.
Asterios: Okay! Alright, well, seven year old penis-showing kid... how about this: become super good at something. Become the best guitarist in your school. Become the best singer. Become the star quarterback. You gotta- right now you have been handed an identity: Penis Boy. That is your identity. It's like a skin that ya can't scrape off. You gotta put on a new skin. Ya gotta- I don't know why-
Sriracha: [interjecting] New foreskin.
Asterios: I don't know why- like I'm a little bit drunk and my advice definitely sounds Silence of the Lambs-ee. Okay, Let me try- let me try this again. It's like a costume you can't take off. Penis Boy. You gotta put on a new costume, over that costume. Uhh becom- you know what? Become the town detective! Solve an unsolved murder, 'cause it- you know if you're in some little small town, there's probably like some cold cases you go- you could become like the Seven Year Old Super Detec- somethin'. You got anything Sriracha?
Sriracha: No 'cause then you're just gonna be the super detective that showed his penis.
Asterios: Really?
Sriracha: Yeah, you're never getting rid of that. I say just wait for college.
Asterios: Oh God. Alright well, I guess the only answer we can both agree on is: transfer schools. Get home schooled. Get out of there. You know what? You skipped a grade right? Maybe you can skip another one.
Sriracha: Skip a school. Skip a town.
Asterios: Well obviously he's gon- this kid's just g- but it's like if this kid could skip town he would. So, if you're super intelligent, find a way to skip another grade, or, fail all your tests, pretend to be dumb, so they put you back in that other class, and then when you show up, you know the other kids actually might kinda feel a bit bad for you 'cause they're like, "Oh, he had it and he lost it. He was ahead of us and now he's back behind."
Sriracha: "Look who dumb again!"
Asterios: Yeah exac- oh is that bad?
Sriracha: "Look who's not getting the muffins and juice for state testing this year!"
Asterios: There's no way to- there's no way for this kid to win okay transfer schools.
Sriracha: Yup.
Asterios: That has been, "Asterios Kills a Kid" starring Asterios Kokkinos and Sriracha. Uh, Sriracha, do you want to promote anything before we go?
Sriracha: Uh, I got a podcast about porgs and- you really want to find that you know where to look.
Transcriber's Note: Here, this might help: https://www.patreon.com/posts/porg-chatter-16884345
Asterios: Okay it's called "Porg Chatter" 'cause it's named-
Sriracha: [interjecting] It's very dumb.
Asterios: It's named aft- what?
Sriracha: It's very dumb.
Asterios: It's not dumb, I love that show! What are you talking about?
Sriracha: Uh we debated whether or not chickens fuck? On this episode. So. That's- your weird fetish? 'Cause we can't say anything about it!
Asterios: Let me sell your show better than you're doing.
Sriracha: Go for it.
Asterios: Okay, when porgs talk, porg language is actually called "porg chatter", so Sriracha, she's a big porg fan, she made the world's first podcast entirely devoted to porgs. It's called "Porg Chatter." Search for it on google. It's somewhere. I don't know if it's on iTunes. It's- do you- google it! You'll find it. And uh, for me, Asterios Kokkinos, thank you so much for subscribing, and listening, obviously you can support me at patreon.com/asterios. All the money that goes there, goes towards a certain thing, that I can't talk about, that's expensive and bad.
Sriracha: It starts with a 'L' and it ends in going to jail. [laughs]
Asterios: So that's it! What do you think of the first episode?
Sriracha: I thought it was really good!
Asterios: I had a really good time.
Sriracha: I'm lovin' these kids.
Asterios: Yeah, I'm loving these drinks too! Alright, let's go watch some anime.
Sriracha: [anime voice] Byee!
Asterios: [anime voice] Byeee!
[Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays again, fading out as the podcast ends.]
44 min
February 12, 2018 Asterios Kills A Kid #1: “I Never Wanna To Grow Up!”
Welcome to the very first episode of Asterios Kills a Kid! We've got a site, the sound bits, a sexy thumbnail* – no workflow though! Who's supposed to write these descriptions? I don't know, I'm just the web designer. Ah well, fuck it here I go.

In this very first episode of AKAK, Sriracha looks back on her time in girl scouts: particularly on a struggle she had with a girl named Kylie Eickelberg over their troupe crest. I won't tell you how the story ends, but I will say to check back soon for Kylie's phone number and home address.

Asterios and Sriracha's first question was from a 13 year old girl. She writes:

Hi, I am 13 and now suddenly growing up is a big deal. It has just happened, if you know what I mean. I cry now in my closet hugging my favorite stuffed animals because I just don't want to grow up. The only person I've "talked" to about it is my favorite stuffed animal. I've been playing with ALL my old toys lately, wearing butterfly shirts and watching cartoons. I'd do ANYTHING to be 8 again. Please help me! —Growing Up, 13

If you don't know what DDLG* is, get prepared to immediately repress it. Also, Asterios delivers some good news to everyone out there worrying about growing up: in America, you can stay a child forever.

Moving on, Carrie writes:

My boyfriend and I have been going for ten llloooooooooonnng months. Recently I've found myself getting irritated with him all the time. He's very clingy, and even though I've talked to him about it, he won't give me space. He liked me for a lot longer than I have liked him and every time he thinks I'm even slightly annoyed with him he feels the need to call me and talk about our feelings. I have been considering breaking up with him for awhile now because I'm just not happy with him any more, but I don't want to regret it later or hurt him because he is very sensitive. —Carrie, 16

Our hosts both agree: get him a super-hobby. And taking on the role of internet historian, Sriracha recounts the sad saga of Chris Chan.

Speaking of sad stories, this last boy writes:

This year I was pushed forward a grade and now I have no friends in class. I have been trying to make friends, but today at lunch I had a hole in the front of my track pants and "it" flopped out. I was sitting on the floor and the whole class saw. I did not notice until a girl told me. I don't know what to do. I will never make friends now. I tried to convince my mom to home school me and she said no. Help! —Embarrassed, 7

Asterios and Sriracha are divided on how to handle Penis Boy's problem. Asterios shares some elaborate techniques for damage control, while Sriracha's advice is just wait it out and enjoy your smart-kid muffins.

---

If you have a question for Asterios and Sriracha, visit the Submit Question page on www.asterioskillsakid.com.

* Absolutely NOT pedophilia.

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TRANSCRIPT:

[Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays, starting loud, then fading.]

Asterios: Alright. What's this podcast we're doing?

Sriracha: "Asterios Kills a Kid".

Asterios: Oh- I don't- is that the name of it?

Sriracha: Yes.

Asterios: Okay, I like that name. Originally it was called "Asterios Kokki-Knows". You remember that?

Sriracha: Now it's called "Asterios Kok
44 min

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