the Mudroom

Parenting and taking care of children is an endlessly self-sacrificial job.   

I see you and believe me, I completely understand.  When someone is literally dependent on you for their survival and development it feels kind of odd to throw up our hands and tell them “sorry, not right now. I have to take care of something for myself first.”   

Then toss in the insane, absolutely crushing guilt and ceaseless worry that’s triggered whenever we even try a teensy bit of self-care- it’s almost guaranteed for us to get trapped in a cycle of taking care of everyone but ourselves.  

We get stuck.   

We give.  

And we give.   

Then we give some more.  

And not only that. 

Our children are too young to really process when they’re asking too much so they’re constantly demanding more from us.  With scrutiny on parenting being so heavy it’s almost like making yourself a target for criticism to stop and take a break so you keep giving.  And society encourages it and even gives little accolades like “I love how you’re always putting your children first!” and “you go super mom!” to really drive it home.   

So super mom keeps trudging along and giving, giving, giving.   Now I know that you know that I’m going to tell you that you need to take the cape off and rest.   

But here’s the crucial part.   

I need you to understand why you need to rest more and why you need to start making it a regular habit and not a “treat myself” type of thing.   

In this episode we´ll discuss: 

- Why putting your kids first doesn´t really help in every situation 

- Why it´s important to take care of yourself 

- The importance of rest when parenting

Grab the Scripts to Manage the Top 10 Crazy-Making Behaviours: prnt.link/scripts Watch the video recording here: Join the Parenting Posse: prnt.link/group the Mudroom is recorded live every Wednesday at 1:30pm ET/ 12:30pm CT/ 10:30am PT on Facebook: facebook.com/arfamilyservices

A lot of us have been on lockdown for quite some time. Which has resulted in a lot of parents welcoming a new little one or are now expecting. 😉  Congrats!   

That means your current child/ren are now becoming big siblings which can be simultaneously exciting and terrifying.  

A new playmate and companion for your kids oooorrrr also more opportunity for possible fighting and conflict.   

We’ve all seen those videos about older siblings either melting down and shrieking in horror at the baby announcement or breaking down in tears of absolute joy. It feels almost like a pendulum. It can either go one way or another.   

If you’re worried about whether your children will get along or not, you wouldn’t be the only parent to be stressed about it.   

Having navigated the transition from one child to two, and helping other parents and their child make the transition too, I can tell you it doesn’t have to feel like rolling the dice between whether they’ll hate each other or not.   

There are some things you can do to encourage a healthy bond and sibling relationship between your children, whether you’re adding #2 or # 5.   

In this episode we´ll discuss: 

- How you can help your kid handle this addition. 

- How to encourage a healthy bond between siblings. 

-  What you can expect from it

Grab the Scripts to Manage the Top 10 Crazy-Making Behaviours: prnt.link/scripts Watch the video recording here: Join the Parenting Posse: prnt.link/group the Mudroom is recorded live every Wednesday at 1:30pm ET/ 12:30pm CT/ 10:30am PT on Facebook: facebook.com/arfamilyservices

This is going to be a hard pill to swallow but a lot of the misbehaviour of our children isn’t actually them “losing their listening ears” or not being able to sit still and control their body.

It might feel like they’re being monsters all the time but they’re likely not.

A lot of misbehaviour isn’t actually our children misbehaving at all.

It’s an adult’s unreasonable expectations about how they should be acting.

As adults we forget that:

They’re children. Which means they’re humans that also deserve respect and have off days.

But also…

They’re children. Which means what’s easy and common sense to us as adults, is a whole skill that needs to be developed and reinforced for a child.

So telling them “don’t you see how crazy you’re acting?” when they’re melting like ice cream on the floor of the doctors office because you’ve been waiting for an hour doesn’t make them go “geez, you know what- you’re completely right and I’m being unreasonable.”

It likely just makes them scream louder.

But wait…

What if just last week they were just fine waiting in line at the bank? Or if their older sister was never a picky eater but for some reason your 3 year old scoffs at anything not Mac N’ Cheese.

What about those kids in your child’s classroom who sit at circle time criss-cross-applesauce like perfect angels while yours is squirming around pretending to be a worm?

If they’ve shown they can behave a certain way or that other kids their age are capable of doing something, doesn’t that mean your child is just choosing to do the opposite? They’re misbehaving! Right?

On this class we´ll discuss:

- Is my kid actually misbehaving?

- Why they react the way they do.

-  What does their behaviour actually mean?

Grab the Scripts to Manage the Top 10 Crazy-Making Behaviours: prnt.link/scripts Watch the video recording here: Join the Parenting Posse: prnt.link/group the Mudroom is recorded live every Wednesday at 1:30pm ET/ 12:30pm CT/ 10:30am PT on Facebook: facebook.com/arfamilyservices

Now before you read the rest of this email I need you to take a deep breath and go into this with an open mind.

Because I know when we hear anything about our child and bullies it immediately triggers those mama bear instincts.

HOW DARE ANYONE HURT MY BABY.

And I completely understand that feeling. It’s almost instinctual to immediately get ready to rumble when it comes to protecting your child.

So go ahead and fume and huff at home. If you have someone to privately rant to about it to let them hear about it, but then we’re going to do something a little differently and leave those grumblings at home.

No angry letters to the bully’s mom.

No heated phone calls to the teacher.

Instead of bringing the battle to the playground, we’re going to take a different, more impactful approach. (Something that will not only help your child, but possibly the bully too!)

First thing: we need to remember that children do well if they can.

Misbehaviour and acting out is the result of a child not having a certain skill or needing more help strengthening that skill. And this applies to bullies too.

It’s difficult to extend that grace to a bully, especially one who’s distressing and possibly even harming your child but it’s important to remember this because it’s going to frame how we approach the situation.

Second: the traditional methods of punishment, “stern discussions”, and in some cases even isolating or separating the children from each other rarely create a long-term, sustainable solution.

And it certainly doesn’t give your child the tools or skills they need to deal with bullies in the future either.

So how do we deal with the big bad bully?

On this class we´ll discuss:

- How do you deal with a bully?

- What´s actually helpful?

-  How to approach the situation

Grab the Scripts to Manage the Top 10 Crazy-Making Behaviours: prnt.link/scripts Watch the video recording here: Join the Parenting Posse: prnt.link/group the Mudroom is recorded live every Wednesday at 1:30pm ET/ 12:30pm CT/ 10:30am PT on Facebook: facebook.com/arfamilyservices

We want and hope for our children to be able to make friends and be active and involved.

So we try to encourage them to do fun things and get excited about their opportunities to make new friends and memories.

We sign them up for soccer, we put them in those dance classes they’ve been so interested in, we poke our head into the classroom in hopes of catching a cute little glimpse of them laughing with friends during evening group time or playing.

You might feel like a deflated balloon when you show up and see that they’re actually not doing anything.

At soccer they might refuse to actually kick the ball and instead just stand and watch everyone else chase it around.

In dance they don’t want to leave your lap.

You might poke your head in the classroom and instead of seeing them singing along they’re just…watching.

Parents might take this as a sign to help their kid “fit in” a bit more by pushing them to talk more, telling them to get in the game, or insisting they just “try it out”.

And while there’s nothing wrong with encouraging your child to try out something new, there’s also nothing wrong with your child just watching either.

On this class we´ll discuss:

- Why is my kid only observing?

- Why are they not participating?

- Is it a bad thing?

Grab the Scripts to Manage the Top 10 Crazy-Making Behaviours: prnt.link/scripts Watch the video recording here: Join the Parenting Posse: prnt.link/group the Mudroom is recorded live every Wednesday at 1:30pm ET/ 12:30pm CT/ 10:30am PT on Facebook: facebook.com/arfamilyservices

Have you noticed an uptick with your child being aggressive?

As society sort of, kind of, creeps back into being social and our children are getting more interaction with others, a lot of parents are shocked to see their kids being more handsy than they expected.

Parents understandably have quite a strong reaction when they see their children behave aggressively.

It can be alarming to see your child lash out in anger, or to seemingly go out of their way to hurt someone else.

Nobody feels good to see another child get sent home with an ouchie note from school because of something their child had done.

I’ve had parents come to me with their concerns about their child becoming aggressive with fears like:

My child seems to enjoy hurting people.

My child goes out of their way to terrorize their sibling.

They’re purposefully trying to manipulate me by getting me upset when they pinch.

I love doing what I do because it gives me the opportunity to help parents understand why their child is behaving the way they are and what to do about it.

And aggressive behaviour is no different.

Just like not listening or refusing to share, there is a reason for their aggressive behaviour (and it’s not because they’re little psychopaths), and there is a way to help them correct it.

So what’s happening in their brains when they swing at the toddler they were just nicely building blocks with and how can we make it stop?

On this class we´ll discuss:

- Why are kids aggressive?

-Why is it normal? And why you shouldn´t be worried about it.

- How can we make it better?

Grab the Scripts to Manage the Top 10 Crazy-Making Behaviours: prnt.link/scripts Watch the video recording here: Join the Parenting Posse: prnt.link/group the Mudroom is recorded live every Wednesday at 1:30pm ET/ 12:30pm CT/ 10:30am PT on Facebook: facebook.com/arfamilyservices

When was the last time you’ve sat down and watched a great movie with a mentor/mentee trope?  

Like a Gandlaf and Frodo from Lord Of The RingsDumbledor and Harry PotterHaymitch and Katniss from The Hunger GamesAgent K and Agent J from Men in BlackMushu the Dragon and MulanAll great stories, and all of them have something in common.  

When the main character doubted themselves, or even when other people doubted the main character, their mentor was always there to remind them of their potential.  

Even if the main character kept having major setbacks and fails (*cough* Frodo *cough*) there was someone who believed in their ability and that motivated the character to keep moving towards their goal, even if it was something that felt utterly impossible before.  

There is so much power in just having someone believe in your potential.  It changes the way the person behaves, the way the people around them treat them, it even changes the way the person who planted that seed interacts with them!  

So what does this have to do with our children?  

In this episode we´ll discuss: 

- The pygmalion effect. 

- How does it affect our children? 

- The impact that believing in them can have.

Grab the Scripts to Manage the Top 10 Crazy-Making Behaviours: prnt.link/scripts Watch the video recording here: Join the Parenting Posse: prnt.link/group the Mudroom is recorded live every Wednesday at 1:30pm ET/ 12:30pm CT/ 10:30am PT on Facebook: facebook.com/arfamilyservices

Do you know the kids cartoon The Rugrats? With Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, Lil, Susie, and of course, the infamous Angelica.

Angelica is often portrayed as selfish, self-centered and motivated solely by how their little adventures would benefit her.

Hear me out though...maybe we misunderstood and had developmentally unrealistic expectations for the 4 year old?

Because in real life where infants and toddlers don’t get lost in Paris for hours unnoticed and explore the whole neighborhood unsupervised it’s actually normal for young children to be borderline egotistical.

It’s actually a typical developmental stage and a part of their growth.

There was once a time when you were running around a playground shrugging nonchalantly after seeing a playmate trip too.

But if you’re afraid of raising a mean kid, you wouldn’t be the only one.

I have had plenty of parents come to me concerned that their little angel is more like a little Chuckie doll.

“They smirk whenever I tell them that hitting so-and-so hurts them.” or “They laugh when they see they’ve made another child upset.”

Maybe a teacher has even reported your child refused to apologize after making a peer cry. It’s a sucky feeling to think your kid is out there being flat out mean.

Before you panic though, you’re not raising an asshole.

On this episode we´ll discuss:

- Why it’s completely normal for young kids to be selfish.

- Why our usual go-to methods for teaching empathy (like lecturing them about being kind) are not working.

- How to teach our children empathy in a meaningful, developmentally appropriate way.

Grab the Scripts to Manage the Top 10 Crazy-Making Behaviours: prnt.link/scripts Watch the video recording here: Join the Parenting Posse: prnt.link/group the Mudroom is recorded live every Wednesday at 1:30pm ET/ 12:30pm CT/ 10:30am PT on Facebook: facebook.com/arfamilyservices

There´s no "but" in dyregulation

Yes, I want to talk to you today about “buts”…

Focus now. I’m not talking about the ass kind- I’m talking about the actual word “but”

As in “I know my child is dysregulated BUT…”

Or

“I know they’re hungry BUT that’s not how they should behave…”

And even

“BUT my niece, or my 2nd child, or my neighbor’s cousin's playmate was able to handle that just fine…”

It seems like an innocent enough word but (haha) it’s likely the culprit behind a lot of power struggles, meltdowns, and stress.

I know you might be rolling your eyes right now thinking “holy crap another word I have to avoid?”.

As parent’s we’re lectured often about the word “no”, “stop”, and other quips. And I know that can be overwhelming since it feels like we have to constantly be monitoring what we say- but this isn’t necessarily about avoiding that word.

It’s more about managing what we’re expecting, especially when our child is dysregulated.

On this class we´ll discuss:

- Why the word “but ” could be doing more damage than good.

- How to handle your kid when they´re dysregulated.

- What a good replacement might be.

Grab the Scripts to Manage the Top 10 Crazy-Making Behaviours: prnt.link/scripts Watch the video recording here: Join the Parenting Posse: prnt.link/group the Mudroom is recorded live every Wednesday at 1:30pm ET/ 12:30pm CT/ 10:30am PT on Facebook: facebook.com/arfamilyservices

You can feel it in the air, can’t you?   

*Cue Mariah Carey music*   

Target is bursting with holiday decor, everyone is playing holiday music, you’ll probably be getting Turkey handprints, Reindeer handprints, snowflake handprints, all the handprint crafts you could possibly imagine from your child’s school pretty soon too.  But with all that magic and joy there’s something else my clients experience and I call it “The Grinch Syndrome.”   

While the holidays certainly bring a ton of fun, it can also bring a ton of stress. From traveling to shopping, and the overall general busyness of the holidays- it can really make us feel less than cheerful.   

You might find yourself feeling more like The Grinch every now and then.   

Or maybe the commotion of the holidays brings out some challenging behaviours in your child/ren and they seem more like a Grinch instead of a sweet little Who from Whoville.   

Don’t worry though. I understand and that’s what this week’s Mudroom discussion is all about.   

In this episode we´ll discuss: 

-  Making the best out of the holidays 

-  Why it might not all be festive 

- Why it´s okay to feel this way

Grab the Scripts to Manage the Top 10 Crazy-Making Behaviours: prnt.link/scripts Watch the video recording here: Join the Parenting Posse: prnt.link/group the Mudroom is recorded live every Wednesday at 1:30pm ET/ 12:30pm CT/ 10:30am PT on Facebook: facebook.com/arfamilyservices