The Neurodivergent Professor

Do you seek balance in your life, or do you go all-in on things you like?

I used to think everyone wanted balance, and had a moderate approach to all things in order to maintain that balance across their varied interests. Given that there are only so many hours in a day, it's hard to do all the things we love to do - or even the things we don't want to do!

But I have known folks who follow the, 'if it feels good, do it!' mantra and argue that moderation and/or balance is outright silly.

But if you look at biological systems, many of the biochemical processes necessary for life occur in very narrow bands or zones. 

For example, our blood pH (the measure of Hydrogen and Hydroxide ions in our blood) needs to be maintained between about 7.35 and 7.45 pH units. It's confusing, but the pH range is from 0-14, so 0.1 units is a VERY NARROW band within.

A more somatic example is temperature. Humans are really comfortable between like 70 and 80 degrees Fahrenheit, but Earth temperatures range between -126 and 136 degrees F. That's a 10 degree band across a range of over 250 degrees. 

There are even coarser examples like, if you don't eat enough your hungry but if you eat too much you're stuffed.

It's sort of 'Goldiloxian', where many biological things fall into a 'just right' zone, outside of which bad things can happen.

Here I go beyond those examples to discuss things like climate change and personal growth through the lens of homeostasis.

Spoiler alert, I still believe in balance.

Please note, I apologize to the video fans, I was unsuccessful at getting the video from this episode, so the YouTube video is audio-only. 

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Have you ever been sucked into an internet thread and walked away feeling angry?

You know, like a political rant thread? Identity politics? Ad hominem attacks and name-calling?

Isn't that frustrating?

That sentiment or feeling that other people are just mean, or evil, is part of what motivates this week's Episode.

Many will argue that people are just 'bad', or even 'evil', and that's why we have bad things in the world. Like these internet haters. 

But I see it differently. 

I think we are all essentially good, and that the evil comes out as a result of some unmet need, struggle, or fear.

I think we have forgotten how to deal with these things, and so we end up spending a lot of time in the 'evil' space. And then this spills out into the world.

Argue with me all you want, and I will offer that arguing only illustrates my point. We argue when we feel attacked, or wronged, or threatened. Afraid.

I know it's hippy-dippy, utopian, and unicorn fart-y, but I honestly believe there is a scenario whereby the 'evils' of the world all but go away because of we have figured out how to focus on the good stuff.

Food for thought, anyway.

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Has anyone ever told you to turn off your analytical mind?

Or to use your intuition?

I'm lucky to have a coach that constantly asks my analytical self to step aside. 

The space that remains, sans analysis, is incredibly interesting.

And I think it's where intuition lives. 

In fact, I'd say my idea of intuition was inaccurate. I guess I thought of it like a hunch. Or a tingly spidey sense. I'm not really sure what I thought intuition was.

I like the idea of 'trusting your gut' because it's not your brain.

All I can really say, having experienced intuition, is it is NOT my mind. 

NOT analytical. NOT intellectual.

For over a decade in therapy, I understood everything intellectually.

But nothing changed. My mind was unable to do anything about my beliefs. 

It wasn't until I connected with my body, through somatic meditation and Internal Family Systems work, that I was able to experience real change.

And you know what? I can't explain how it happened. All I can say is that I have changed.

Because it all happened somatically. Intuitively. In my gut. Well, in my BODY. My non-mind.

So this Episode is about that non-mind. Anti-analytical. Meta-physical. World.

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Most of us are not perfect.

I certainly am not. In fact,lately I have been replaying several moments from my life where I behaved poorly. 

But when I do this nowadays, I don't beat myself up. I have learned to find self-compassion for the person I used to be and to recognize I am no longer him.

Integrity is the alignment of our values or beliefs with our actions or behavior. Even though I know I am human, I am still surprised when I catch myself behaving out of integrity or out of alignment.

When we do this, it is easy to beat ourselves up, but another option is to figure out what is going on.

In this Episode I share a few examples of my behavior not aligning with my beliefs, and how I chose to deal with these situations. 

The first step is to be able to see what is happening, and that, in itself, is a lot of work. Things like meditation, journaling, yoga, and exercise can help us find our way to these glimpses in time.

Once we can take the observer position and see things happening in our lives, we can make a choice to do some work, or to let it go, or to do whatever. The key is we can buy ourselves a choice to change. And grow. And learn.

I am amazed at how regularly I find myself looking at my behavior. I'm not saying I have figured everything out, but I am living proof that we can learn to overcome our issues and find more peace and calm in our lives. I hope this Episode sheds some light on how that happens.

I hope you will subscribe to the Knowledge + Experience = Wisdom podcast and/or YouTube channel, which will automatically upload new episodes for you, but you can also download these Episodes directly or view them in your browser via the links below.

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"Leaping into the Abyss Requires Faith, but Will Set You Free"

Have you ever had Analysis Paralysis, or been unable to make a decision? 

I'm sure you have - it happens all the time. Basically, we have two or more options, but we can't know for sure what the outcome of either decision will be. 

Carlos Castaneda, in the books about Don Juan and the Toltecs, described this as leaping into an Abyss.

When my wife and I were contemplating marriage, we viewed our individual and collective futures as a leap into an Abyss. Were we both willing to take the risk of how we will fall or land? The answer was yes, and we have been married for almost seven years.

The key to this leap is faith. Like the adage, 'a leap of faith', faith requires you to let go of the 'not knowing' in lieu of a belief that things will work out ok.

This faith is the other side of knowing. It's the opposite. The Yang to the Yin. The Darth Vader to the Luke Skywalker. It's how the universe is made. 

It's also an agreement to take the good with the bad. Take my marriage. Not everything is unicorns and rainbows. We made an agreement to deal with the good and the bad, the 'sickness and health', of it all. We did NOT assume things would always be one way or the other. Because they aren't. There is good and there is bad. 

Take the Grateful Dead. They asked their audience to leap in to an abyss. Some shows might be great, others might not be. But the agreement states that everyone would be together and love one another regardless of the outcome. The WHOLE THING was about the journey and not the result. 

This theme of focusing on the unfolding of life over the result or outcome is key here. It's the point I'm trying to make. 

If we surrender our need to KNOW the outcome, and focus on having FAITH that the outcome will be fine, or at least how it is meant to be, it frees us not only from worry but from not being able to enjoy the ride.

Like the Dead say, "I'm going to hell in a bucket, but at least I'm enjoying the ride".

I hope I, and all of us, can remember to enjoy the ride and break the agreements focusing on positive results. When we start to believe things will be ok, they are.

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Have you experienced trauma? 

Have you overcome adversity?

Many, if not most, of us have not have perfect lives.

Candice Smiley is like us. Though we don't talk specifically about her past, you will be amazed to learn that this sophisticated, confident, and calm woman made it through her suffering.

In fact, you will be impressed at her candor and her, well, knowledge, experience, and wisdom. 

We are lucky that Candice is healing and taking the time to share what worked for her.

Because I think, in the end, to learn from or be healed by another person, you have to match up. You have to meld. 

You have to pick up what they are laying down.

So here is an opportunity for you. 

Watch our interview. Listen to what Candice Smiley has to say. See if it resonates with you.

Then go to her website, https://www.candicesmiley.com, and learn as much as you possibly can from her.

This interview Episode, like all the Knowledge + Experience = Wisdom episodes, is available via your favorite podcast app or on YouTube. You can subscribe to either or both to ensure you get updates.

Thank you.

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Do you ever think about trade-offs in your life? Something as simple as choosing to have the Doritos knowing they are bad for your body? Or driving over the speed limit knowing you could get a ticket. Or blowing your money on daily lattes knowing one day you may regret not saving more.

Trade-offs are a natural part of existence. I learned about them in an ecological or evolutionary sense. Natural selection favors some characteristics in some environments, but not other. Darwin's finches beak size changed to reduce competition, but smaller beaks could no longer eat larger seeds. The trade-off there is that you gain an advantage (lower competition for smaller seeds) but you lose the ability to eat the common resource (medium or large seeds). You trade being a generalist for being a specialist.

Life is full of these trade-offs. You can't be at two places at once. We make choices every day to do one thing instead of another. Sure, you can spend more time at work and increase your chances for a promotion, but you will sacrifice that time with your family and you might not get home until after your kids are asleep.

Trade-offs.

If we can't have it all, we are always choosing one thing over another. And the key is to accept that and move forward.

Regret is a terrible monster. We can choose to believe we make good choices, or we can regret the choices we didn't make. As part of making trade-offs we have to accept this or suffer the (rumination and anxiety) consequences.

In this episode I analyze trade-offs. What they mean in our lives and how we can deal with them without stress and anxiety.

All KEW Episodes are available in podcast audio and YouTube video formats. You can subscribe to the Knowledge + Experience = Wisdom on your favorite podcast app or on YouTube.

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Where do you stand on the whole 'personal responsibility' issue?

I always assumed that I had to take care of my own stuff. I made my choices and had to deal with them.

When I had kids, everyone kept telling me, 'it takes a village', and I honestly didn't understand what they were talking about.

I guess I've always been a lone wolf - but I don't necessarily like that about myself.

So there's like this continuum from 'I am an island' on one end, and 'I live in a global village where everyone helps each other' on the other.

I'd MUCH rather be on the global village end, but I find myself on the other.

But I'm learning. That, guess what, it takes a village.

I don't know why some of us choose to do everything ourselves. Part of it is we think we'll do it better than others. Part is we are introverted. It also has to do with self-confidence - who would WANT to help us?

I also hate to ask for help or put anyone out. I don't know why.

But asking for help (and giving help) is a critical element of the universe we live in.

It is part of millions of years of evolution.

We are COOPERATIVE by nature. 

And not helping each other forces COMPETITION (one of my least favorite things, see Episode 6: Competition). And, yes, I see the irony of me not asking for help but also despising competition.

So this week I hope to shed some light on the 'village' issue and help anyone struggling with 'lone wolf syndrome' to look outside themselves. 

Life is much easier when we do it as a team. Take it from someone who had to be dragged kicking and screaming to the other side.

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Do you struggle with relationships? 

I did for a long time. I went through a divorce in 2010 and that kickstarted an interesting adventure in dating and thinking about companionship in general.

Luckily, I met a wonderful woman and remarried. But the five years I spent uncoupled were hard, to say the least.

Antia Boyd helps women figure out why they struggle with relationships.

Whether you struggle with relationships or not, there is universal learning to be had this week. Antia teaches her clients things about being human. These are not lessons specifically relevant to relationships.

Far from it. Antia talks about integrating your life to live authentically. That's pretty much a requirement for any sort of personal growth. 

Antia also talks about personal responsibility and learning. If we don't learn, we don't change. And many of us are seeking change in our lives to improve how we deal with life unfolding.

So I think you will benefit from watching or listening to Antia Boyd as she shares her wisdom, and how she came out from the shadow of her narcissistic mother to understand herself. And this enables her to help others. You can find out more about her and what she does here: https://www.magnetizeyourman.com

It was truly my pleasure to talk with her, and we're lucky our paths crossed.

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Not many people like talking about, much less admitting, what they are afraid of.

But I have found, in my work and over a decade meeting with therapists and coaches, that fear is a HUGE motivator.

It turns out that a lot of our behaviors and beliefs are rooted in fears.

In the Internal Family Systems model, we talk about 'parts' of ourselves that are born to reduce these fears. 

In other modalities we talk about wearing masks, or that other emotions sit on top of the fear - like anger.

For me, in my personal work, I have found that fear is nearly universal in motivating my old beliefs and the ways I talk to myself.

My monkey mind will beat me up for all sorts of short comings. And this results in anger, guilt, shame, irritation, frustration, and irritation. 

I get mad at myself when I feel like I have failed or come up short (or in 'second place'). 

If I can't get something perfect I often feel ashamed that I'm not good enough. 

If someone else is unhappy with me I can feel abandoned and worthless.

But underneath EACH one of those is the fear that I won't be loved.

The fear that I will be abandoned from my little village (family) and forced to fend for myself. The fear of ego-death, if you will, or simple separation from other people.

In my past work in endangered species management, I was the scientist at a table full of all sorts of other interested parties. There were lawyers, construction workers, developers, politicians, citizens, animal rights people, farmers, anglers - you name it. And each one of them had their own interests; their own wants and needs. And each one of them was passionate about their position.

And they were all DEFENSIVE.

What I saw in these meetings was fear. They were all afraid of losing their particular position and thus, their self interests.

They were all afraid of being hurt. 

But no one was willing to admit it. We couldn't talk about the fear. We were forced to talk about the superficial conflicts.

And you know what? We were never able to resolve anything nor compromise. In short, nothing was ever done. There was no growth. Neither politically or personally.

Talking about fear is a touchy thing. But it doesn't have to be. We just have to be vulnerable and trust each other.

I'll go first in this Episode.

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