The Neurodivergent Professor

If you follow Knowledge + Experience = Wisdom you will be familiar with IFS. If you are not familiar, Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a psychotherapy model used to heal past trauma.

In IFS, we view ourselves as being comprised of 'parts' that resemble siblings in a big family. These parts have taken on roles over time that we continue to implement as they all serve some purpose in our internal 'family'. 

The process of working with IFS is to help these parts figure out why they do what they do and offer them new roles that might better serve the family. Through this process, parts become aware of each other, learn to interact, and learn to trust a central figure referred to as Self with a capital S.

Stephanie Mitchell is an Australian dynamo who specializes in using IFS to heal people with significant psychological issues including schizophrenia. She is well known and runs a practice with many supporting staff. 

She lives and breathes IFS because she strongly believes in the utility of the model. She has seen it work in extreme cases and, especially, with herself.

Anyone interested in personal growth, therapy, or coaching will enjoy this interview. You get insight about how IFS works both in therapy and in a day-to-day practice. You'll learn about some typical parts and how they interact and heal. And you'll get the gospel straight from the source.

I am proud to present this interview and hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Links to information about Stephanie Mitchell; the first is her webpage:

https://www.ifsconnections.com.au

https://ifs-institute.com/practitioners/all/63770

http://www.internalfamilysystemstrainingaustralia.com.au/person/stephanie-mitchell/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/stephanie-mitchell-ifs/?originalSubdomain=au

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Have you ever really thought about what you want? I mean really sat down and asked yourself what you would change if you could? 

Maybe you said you want more money.

Less time at work.

More time with family.

Longer vacations.

A bigger house, better car, or fancier smartphone.

If you keep at this long enough, and wish for all the material things, what do you REALLY want?

When I did this sort of iterative practice, I realized one of the main things I really want is more calm.

More calm.

More peace.

More sitting with it.

Less frantic.

Less anxiety.

Less fear and uncertainty.

So, yeah, when I really think about what I want, it is to move more easily through life.

In the sense of buddhism, more calm is less suffering. Less struggle. Less Dis-satisfaction. More calm.

Also, to be more calm as life unfolds before us, as Neil Bjorklund would say.

I wonder to what degree this is something we all want. 

Underneath all the material things and the money, there is often a sense of fear or need for safety.

But I still come back to calm. Because life can be scary, fear persists, but in a calm state of mind I feel like I can handle it. 

So in this Episode, I talk a bit about how we can find calm and why I think it is fairly universal. I hope you find it helpful.

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If you are interested in therapy and coaching. Either for yourself, someone you love, or just because you think it's cool. Gretchen Winterkorn is a wonderful person for you to meet, and you can check out her short video below.

I am very lucky to see some cool people doing these KEW interviews, and I really enjoyed listening TO and talking WITH Gretchen. 

Relevant to the Are vs Should Problem, Gretchen and her family just simplified their lives in a huge way, moving from NYC to a flower farm in upstate NY. Pretty major life shift. Pretty awesome opportunity for simplifying things. For focusing less on the SHOULD and more on the ARE, huh?

And Gretchen is super at sharing her thoughts about this move, and the more general AvS issues in our lives.

You can tell she works with people. She is a natural. I hope you feel the same connection to her listening or watching her talk. It just feels good, and the information is helpful to boot!

Though the material Gretchen shares with us is relevant and helpful to our individual personal growth journeys, it is her relatability (is that a word?) that is going to win you over.

You can find out more about Gretchen, her family, her work, and her flower farm at www.birdess.com

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Are you an analytical person? Do you think science is a good way of answering questions? Do you also believe there are things science CAN'T answer?

Do you struggle from a mix of pragmatic and spiritual beliefs? Do you consider yourself to be pretty smart?

Do you have a strong distrust for the status quo? Have you ever felt like a non-conformist, whether by choice or just because?

If you answered any of those questions I think you'll enjoy this episode and KEW in general.

My goal is to share a pathway toward reducing struggle, suffering, dissatisfaction, and restlessness to improve our lives.

Like any good 'scientist', I am stating my assumptions and baseline beliefs prior to establishing a set of techniques to bring more peace, calm, and satisfaction to our lives.

This will serve as a partial foundation to future episodes that will focus on things we can do to improve our time on Earth, make sure our voices are heard, influence each other, and start to solve the bigger problems. 

Please follow me here on the blog, subscribe to the podcast, and follow the YouTube channel. There's a lot coming up you won't want to miss.

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I am extremely excited for you to meet Neil Bjorklund in this week's Are vs Should Interview Series. Unlike most KEW interviews, I knew Neil prior to having him on KEW. But probably not as well as he knows me, as he is my coach.

I have worked with Neil for a little over a year, doing somatic healing work using the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model. Neil has all sorts of other training in healing past trauma, improving one's life, and personal growth, but we focus primarily on IFS.

I 'discovered' Neil through a haphazard path. As a teenager I read a series of books by Carlos Castaneda and a quasi fictional character named Don Juan Matus. This was my introduction to the Toltec lineage of central American people, but I was mostly interested in the psychedelic drugs. Later I realized that other folks were interested in actual Toltec history and wisdom, and I found work by Gary van Warmerdam, who was a student of Don Miguel Ruiz, author of the Four Agreements. I finally arrived at Neil because Gary endorsed Neil on his webpage.

Though I have always been interested in personal growth, I always considered it to exist only in the world of licensed psychologists and therapists. I didn't think coaches, healers, helpers, aids, assistants or persons acting outside the realm of the 'American credentials system' would be helpful. I had a lot of suspicions and worries about being sold snake oil.

Prior to Neil I had experimented with online coaching, receiving instruction from Mandy Napier whom I interviewed early in 2021. The experienced opened my mind to 'non-traditional' lines of healing. My interest in Toltec wisdom coupled with the circuitous path toward Neil led me to seek his help. And I'm glad I did.

Neil's pathway, however, makes mine look fairly linear. But I'll let him tell you about that. I'm pretty sure Neil has done and experienced all sorts of things I know nothing about. But this interview gives you a pretty good glimpse in to how he lives his life, the kinds of things he thinks about, and what it means to have a high degree of self mastery.

I'll stop there and let Neil tell his story. I hope you listen, watch, and enjoy.

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As you know, we have been exploring the Are vs Should Problem; the struggle between the people we are and the people we feel like we should be. Since Episode 50, but really since about Episode 42, and ARGUABLY since Episode 1 I have been developing the ideas and concepts that load into the Are vs Should modality.

I hope you have found some value in these Episodes.

And I hope you will journey with me toward the next Phase of this model development

In the next Episode or two, I will go through the pivot from WHAT the Are vs Should Problem IS, and all the little pieces that are relevant to people struggling with this cognitive dissonance, toward the HOW-TO of 'what-the-hell-am-I-supposed-to-do-now' part of the deal.

Because living more in the Are and less in the Should takes work. And it isn't just the kind of work where one day you say, 'ok, I'm going to change' and then wake up the next day all changed.

No, this is a life long path way that has no destination.

And we begin this journey by understanding who we are, why we're here, what we're doing, and how we're going to do it.

So I wanted to take this Episode, and perhaps another. . . or two. . . and figure out who you are and tell you more about who I am. 

All this to help you figure out if this is worth your time. 

Briefly, someone who is going to benefit from this journey, or the past journey, of KEW is:

Analytical

Intelligent

Curious

Self-aware

Out-of-the-box

Unique

Different

Empathic

Distrusting of the status-quo

Mindful

Appreciative of diversity

Open-minded

And so much more. But that's a start. I'm still figuring out who I am, after all.

I am looking forward to this trip and hope you will join me.

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Bruce Nachsin came to us through a podcaster facebook group. He has his own podcast called, 'The Fattest Fit Kid You Know'. He's super funny, a Hollywood actor, and knows a thing or two about living in your 'Are'. It was incredibly fun (and funny!) to sit and talk with Bruce for an hour or so.

Besides just being super funny and entertaining, Bruce has a lot to say about podcasting, changing old habits, and helping each other out in this complicated world. Like I told him, my face was red the whole time from laughing so hard. 

But Bruce isn't just being funny to be funny. It's his way of talking about hard stuff - by making it real and laughing at himself. Somehow that makes us feel okay to laugh at ourselves and maybe, just maybe, be compassionate toward ourselves. And each other.

You'll get a good feel for Bruce's insight from the short video preview below.

Also, check out Bruce's homepage where you'll see the different kinds of things he's done.

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You've likely pondered the great, 'Who Am I?' question. But what about the 'Why Am I?'

The 'why' is a great question no matter the situation.

Of the who, what, when, where, why, and how questions the 'why' is probably the most challenging.

Is there a meaning to life?

Do you have a purpose?

Does anything matter?

Hundreds, if not thousands, of philosophers have weighed in on the great question, but I'm not sure there's any consensus.

In fact, the 'Why Am I' is probably one of the most subjective questions one can ask.

So the 'Why' I talk a lot about is the 'Why' of the 'Why Am I'. 

Or, less ambiguously, the reasoning behind having a 'Why'.

In short, the 'Why' can be a guide that helps remind you of your path.

Kind of like your Values, your 'Why' is a reference beacon for when you get lost in the dark.

I hope this Episode encourages you to develop and/or maintain your 'Why' as a means of helping you move forward with your personal goals.

This Episode also marks a transition from the 'What' questions of Episodes 50-75, to the 'Why' of this Episode, and onward to the 'How' or 'How-To' of the Are vs Should Problem.

I hope you'll come with me on the journey.

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What more can I say about Paul Gadola?

I'm lucky to know him. 

I've interviewed him twice for my blog/podcast/YouTube channel.

I look at him as someone who has been up the mountain and come back down to share his wisdom with us.

I think he'd be a great whatever a pastor/preacher/rabbi is supposed to be.

He has written a book you should get from him (because you can't buy one on amazon yet).

He's an anti guru anti influencer. 

He's the kind of guy who is awesome and doesn't care. He'd rather just get to know you.

You can find out a lot about Paul listening to this interview Part 2. 

As well as Part 1.

And also his first interview here about Curiosity.

Oh, and also all of these places:

He has a gym to help people’s bodies: https://www.ironmountain.fitness

He and his wife have a freshly-prepared meals business to help people’s health: https://www.sunmealprep.com

He has written a book to help peoples minds and spirituality: https://www.facebook.com/thewritingsofpaulgadola/

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Do you ever ask yourself this question?

I have asked myself this question for as long as I can remember. In fact, I use this argument as a way to justify complaining. It's not a habit I am proud of and I'm working on changing it. But I often find myself getting angry because I can't find a definitive answer to whether something is good or bad or right or wrong.

Do you ever get to a point where you truly don't know which option to choose? It's a little bit like Analysis Paralysis, but different.

I often wrestle with whether or not I am being selfish or assertive. If I'm being honest, I often know whether I FEEL selfish or if I FEEL assertive, but I don't know how OTHER people feel about it. 

For example, my kids want to eat at an expensive chain restaurant I don't like. I don't enjoy spending the money for what I perceive to be very little value, but I don't know whether that is a good reason to say no. Even in this case I can quickly get sucked into an internal argument about whether I am being unreasonable or not.

Another example might be  related to work/life balance. Do I want to work extra to make more money even if it means missing out on family events? Am I being an insensitive dad or husband by working more? Or am I being a good provider? 

It seems like there's no way to know for sure. It often seems impossible to tell the difference between 'good' and 'bad'. 

And when it does seem like we know, it's pretty easy to argue that it's just an illusion. Don't we just CHOOSE to know the difference, and choose the option that makes us look less bad?

And knowing the incentive to make ourselves look better, or to feel better, or to stop ruminating about whether the decision is good or bad - knowing that incentive it's pretty easy to believe we are lying to ourselves. 

The only thing I can figure is that it IS a choice. That, and it seems like deep down we ought to know. 

But those are sort of 'Are' vs 'Should' arguments, aren't they? How do we know if we are in our 'are' or if we are 'shouldding' ourselves? 

Ultimately, it must be some sort of internal decision. Either we choose to do things differently because we are wrong, choosing incorrectly, selfish, or whatever. Or we choose to accept our decisions and choices as being motivated by good intentions. It's sort of the innocent until proven guilty thing.

And like last week when I talked about Self-Compassion, I would think it is healthier to default to treating ourselves well and not beating ourselves up. It seems like being kind to ourselves is a good thing.

And it also seems like we really would know when we are doing wrong. It seems like guilt after the fact, or regret, or hindsight would reveal if we were truly doing something that disagreed with our values or the way we want to live our lives.

It seems like we'd know. Only it is hard to know!

Over the next few Episodes I am going to dig in to some of this more thoroughly.

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