The Neurodivergent Professor

I mean, really, who are you? 

No, I mean, really, who are you? 

Who Am I? 

Do we know? 

Do we care?

I, for one, think it is important, even CRITICAL to know who I am, and presumably, for you to know who you are. I'm sure there are people out there who disagree with me, but I really can't get my head into that space nor do I think those folks are coming here to read my blog. But I am very interested in knowing about people who never ask questions like, "Who Am I?" or "Why Am I Here?". Of course, I'm more interested in folks like us.

And, truly, the "Who Are You" question is at the head of most personal growth, self help, therapy, or naval gazing endeavors. To understand what you need, what you want, what you want to do, or anything like that, you have to start with something. You have to start somewhere. You have to start with YOU.

I'm certainly not the first one to suggest that.

Like many things, figuring out who you are sounds super easy and impossible at the same time. I mean, who knows you better than you? But how well is that? Even if you know yourself way better than your friends do, how well do they really know you? And how well CAN they really know you, if YOU don't know you. Man, this gets hard quick.

But just breathe for a minute. Let's not overcomplicate this. All I'm saying is that to move forward, we might have to move backwards. If we don't know ourselves as well as we think we do (I know I don't), we probably have to start there. And as I said in Episode 48: Unlearning, we have to forget a few things we got wrong prior to moving forward. Kind of like wiping the slate clean.

As I suggested in Episode 47: Values, part of knowing yourself is knowing what you value and what is driving you through this thing called life. I think we can, in part, define ourselves by our motivations and intrinsic passion.

Who you are is a huge question. And, like soooo many things, I don't think the answer is that important. It's not about knowing, definitively, who you are. After all, that's going to change through time. More important is being on a known path toward generating answers and evidence and support for who you are. The path what illuminates the preferred and minimizes the unwanted elements of life. Who you are is in huge part who you AREN'T and only through investigation and interrogation will you reveal either light or dark.

In other words, this seemingly straightforward-yet-super-complicated question is entirely about the journey; the pathway toward. . . . . what, exactly? Enlightenment? Awareness? Living a better life? All of that. And more. 

I hope you enjoy this episode leading up to my 50th Episode in two weeks. Next week will be the 10th and final installment in the Curiosity series. I am looking forward to the future and thank you for being a part of the journey.

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Marcas Hemmila has lived a pretty full life. He was a leader in the military. He trained for the Mr. Universe competition series. He is/was a computer programmer in the fast paced IT world. And now, he aims to help us discover and ignite our lives.

The thing that struck me about Marcas was his authenticity. It's like I tell him in the video, he has a cool combination of vulnerability and 'I think this guy could kick my ass'. Something about that combo makes me trust him.

Marcas also has an incredible internet presence. His TikTok and Instagram videos come out at least every day, and he always has a message. He has a podcast and growing YouTube video series; sometimes solo, sometimes with interviews. His message is about helping yourself live the best life you can, and it comes from the heart.

You can find all of Marcas' stuff via 'Discover Ignite' and at https://discoverignite.com. 

I hope you enjoy the interview. 

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As I move toward Episode 50 and what I hope to be a major shift in what I'm working toward with KEW, I realize how important Unlearning is. 

How do we KNOW if we REALLY know what we THINK we know?

Well, we don't. But we can think about it. And unlearning comes in to play as a necessary 'next step' for those of us who have ever asked this kind of question. Or questions like:

Who am I?
What's all this about?
What's the meaning of life?
Is there life after death?
Why is my dad so racist?

Generally, Unlearning is only important to people who have ever wondered WHY they feel a certain way, think a certain way, or behave a certain way. Where did this 'certain way' come from? I'll develop this idea much further after episode 50, but for now let's say that MUCH of what we think, what we ARE, WHO we are comes from stuff we never really thought much about. Things we automatically learned as we grew up. Some of it we learned before we even had awareness. Or free will. Some of us carry these beliefs into adulthood. Some of us never know.

But for those of us who DO know. Who have asked these types of questions (who ARE you?). The first thing we have to do is recognize what we really KNOW and FEEL and BELIEVE and what's just a bunch of stuff we learned. And then to sort of 'wipe the slate clean' and start over. That's where UNLEARNING comes in. That's all I'm saying when I say UNLEARN.

It's about questioning our beliefs and our thoughts. It's about figuring out what we DO think and believe. And about getting on the path toward exploring what life is all about. It's pretty simple.

I hope you enjoy this week's episode and stick around for what's to come. Please follow me on my blog and/or YouTube and SIGN UP for weekly emails so you can participate in the development of these ideas.

Direct link to YouTube video: https://youtu.be/TKpJgTCnDeY

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It is my pleasure to introduce you to Bernhard Kutzler (www.bernhardkutzler/en/). After a lifelong career in mathematics, Bernhard went off the grid in a very huge way. He spent nearly 3.5 years in total isolation: away from his phone, tv, people, and all interactions. He forced himself to face his mind in an effort to ask the 'big questions' about being human.

Who am I? Why are we here? What is consciousness? Why do I do the things I do?

Everyone reading this has wrestled with one or all of these questions, or similar questions about the meaning of life. Well, Bernhard is just like you. Except he spent THREE AND A HALF YEARS thinking about nothing BUT questions like these.

So, the man has my admiration. That's freaking devotion. That's giving it your all. 

And it makes me exceptionally CURIOUS about what he figured out. 

Fortunately, he gave me almost two hours of his time to explain all that. As you can imagine, even two hours is not enough time to answer all of life's question, but we hit on many of the biggest elements. 

Also fortunately, Bernhard has written three books about his experience that you can find links to on his website. 

Curiosity: The Mental Hunger of Humans

Consciousness: Its Nature, Purpose, and How to Use it

Being Free: Get Out of the Box. The Method with 99 Exercises

He also has a blog on his website and a video series on YouTube. The first place to start is with Bernhard's explanation of the Chicken Problem: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XMZa_8lAVQ&t=334s

Seriously. Click that link.

I hope you take the time to work your way through that video, this interview, and more of Bernhard's work. You might not agree with it all, but then again you didn't spend 3.5 years in isolation thinking about it:)

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Beliefs are things we see as truisms in our lives and regulate the decisions we make. In Episode 9 I talked about Old Beliefs. These are beliefs we learned as kids that protected us in some way, but no longer serve their purpose in our adult lives. The problem is, the old beliefs have been habituated and we continue to implement them.

Many of us become aware of our old or limiting beliefs in adulthood. Things like anxiety, imposter syndrome, feeling not good enough, addictions, relationships - all these things are, at least in part, learned when we were kids.

But I've talked at length about beliefs and how they hold us back. This episode is about how we change those old beliefs.

Changing beliefs has been very difficult for me. But that makes sense if you think about it. Limiting beliefs are usually old (hence the terminology), which means they've been with us for awhile. And during that time, these beliefs have been reinforced any time a situation comes up requiring you to make a decision. We refer back to a similar situation, remember whatever belief worked then, and simply apply it again. And again. And again. Pretty soon this process is automatic and habituated (See Episode 26: Habits). So these beliefs were acquired over time with much repetition.

So, of course changing them is hard. It's logical to think that whatever time and energy went into building the belief would be required to change it. And as frustrating as that is, it may be accurate.

I tried to change my old beliefs for a decade, but I didn't get satisfactory results. I learned about beliefs. I learned what my limiting beliefs are. I even learned where some of them came from. But I thought that the awareness of the beliefs would somehow be enough to change them. But it's not.

I understood beliefs INTELLECTUALLY, but I wasn't DOING anything about them. I needed to ACT. And those actions are multifaceted. 

My research, therapy, coaching, and learning has led me to a list of actions that anyone can implement to change their thinking. The list is going to look very familiar and maybe even make you roll your eyes. It turns out the changing beliefs is really simple - it just isn't easy.

Behaviors that can help you change beliefs:

Meditation

Mindfulness

Journalling

Speaking daily affirmations

Exercise

Gratitude

You can even add sleeping and eating well to this list, but those aren't habits or actions I personally struggle with.

The point is, I have finally starting to believe (haha) that the above list, frequently touted by self-help and personal growth folks from all schools of thought, might actually produce the results I am looking for. So I'm on a mission to add them to my life slowly but deliberately and see if it works.

I go in to more detail about how and why in this Episode.

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For the seventh installment of the KEW Curiosity Interview series I had the pleasure of talking with Dan Tassone. Dan was introduced to me by our mutual buddy, Brian, who basically told me 'this is one of the most curious cats I know. You HAVE to interview him'. Well, Brian knows me pretty well because Dan was awesome and we hit it off quickly.

Dan went to school for a long time (as we do, sometimes) to be a pharmacist, but he didn't become a retail prescription filler. He ended up taking a haphazard journey through some very unique jobs that serve to illustrate how life is anything but linear. He now works in a research hospital where he gets to do all sorts of cool things.

These cool things, of course, stimulate his curiosity and he has a lot to say on the subject as you'll see and hear. Dan also brings a unique perspective to a health care world often dominated by fairly uniform personality types (Type-A, if you will) and offers us a peek into his world. 

Dan is also super relatable. He's the guy you may be lucky enough to strike up a conversation with at a bar or mixer and end up super enthused and excited about your own perspective on life. You know the type. They're not necessarily the loudest voice in the room, and certainly not extroverted, but if you end up talking with them you have a friend for life.

From CRISPR to mask compliance Dan offers an awesome take on American health care, the pandemic, and what it means to be curious in all that we do.

I hope you enjoy this interview and meeting Dan - and you are very likely going to learn something!

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In just about any kind of self help endeavor you will be asked to identify your values. While this sounds pretty easy, the process is far from simple. Turns out we like a lot of stuff. We 'value' many things. The trick is determining your top 3-5 values that truly drive you to live your life. 

Over the course of ten years of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), or talk therapy, I read and heard a lot about values, but it wasn't until I put some real effort in that I discovered the, well, VALUE, of my values.

So what exactly ARE values, then?

There are lots of definitions, but here's one I lifted randomly from www.mindtools.com (I'm paraphrasing):

Values are things you believe are important in the way you live your life. Values determine your priorities and are a source of motivation.

That's pretty good, but there are some easy-to-miss key points.

You BELIEVE values are important. Values are subjective and unique to you. YOU decide what they are. Values can be revealed by thinking about what you LIKE, or don't like.

Values are things you prioritize; either consciously or subconsciously. Values can be identified by thinking about things you DO, or don't do. 

Values motivate you. Values are things that make you feel excited to get out of bed in the morning. Or, things you don't value or want to do can make you wanna pull the covers up and go back to sleep.

There are TONS of resources on the inter webs that can help you identify your values, but all of these methods are deceptively simple. The KEY is to go through multiple iterations, take breaks, and to do some sort of ranking. I estimate I put in nearly ten hours of writing, thinking, journalling, rearranging, ranking, and repeating to get down to my set of 4 values.

There's also a tricky side to values. Being humans, we tend to focus on things we consider to be 'good' and 'healthy' when considering our values. There are also values, many call 'SHADOW values' that also motivate you, help you prioritize, and reflect the things you do.

However, shadow values, at least on the surface, might not be something you'd be comfortable sharing with others.

Shadow values can be things like having a lot of money, being powerful, having people obey your word, being the center of attention, or wanting people to behave in ways that make you happy.

But the reason shadow values are beneficial are twofold: 1) They help you understand the darker side of your motivations and can help you achieve your goals and be your best self by embracing ALL of your characteristics, and 2) can almost always be softened to see the non-selfish attributes of seemingly nefarious concepts or intangible ideas.

For example. Being motivated by money doesn't necessarily mean you are evil or Scrooge-like. Knowing you want to be wealthy can reflect a need for safety or a desire to protect your family. See how we can flip something that seems narcissistic to something that comes from a better part of your self? 

The purpose of values and shadow values is to create a list of motivating factors critical to your life. I wrote mine down and keep them in several places to remind myself of why I do what I do. My values have become a tool I use to direct all of my personal growth and spiritual work. Knowing, and truly understanding my values, has enabled me to focus and to think less about things that don't show up on that list. In short, this has made my life easier.

Much more in this episode, I hope you find this useful.

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Doing these interviews has been so much fun, and meeting new people (especially during the pandemic) is very nourishing. Getting to meet Dan Faill was no exception. Dan is exuberant, funny, has a lot of wisdom to share, and isn't afraid to be real about it. 

For years Dan's directed Greek programs for colleges and you can tell he has a direct connection with young people (and he's still pretty young himself). Serendipitously, Dan was invited to speak to a large audience and something clicked. He quickly switched over to inspirational and motivational speaking full time. And he has a gift for winning an audience. But more than that, Dan drills down pretty deep to the things that we don't always like to talk about. One of his famous talks is "A night to forget, the intersection of blackouts and sex' and he is very gentle, yet candid, when discussing difficult issues. You can find that talk, and others, here: 

https://campuspeak.com/speaker/dan-faill/

More generally, all of Dan Faill's brilliance are housed at https://www.danfaill.com and you are sure to find something inspiring or interesting to peruse. You will not be disappointed. At the very least, Dan is going to make you laugh because, well, you'll see:)

Dan also appears to be modest given his outgoing personality. He embraces his last name in what he calls 'Failing Forward' and makes a solid argument about why failure is necessary and not something to avoid.

He is also a pro with respect to one of my favorite topics, Imposter Syndrome (also, least favorite).  

In short, Dan is a storyteller. His delivery is vulnerable and trustworthy. He has a special way of humbling himself to the listener, and then clearly linking how his story is relevant to you. 

And luckily, Dan also offers his uber-charismatic life lessons through coaching, which you can also find out about on his website.

I hope you enjoy listening to or watching the interview as much as I enjoyed recording it. Do yourself a favor and visit 

www.danfaill.com

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In Episode 32: Work/Life Balance I shared my thoughts about how to find time to meet all the various needs we have. In this episode I want to focus specifically on balancing time spent working toward our careers with time spent with our families. And for those of you without spouses or kids, your family can be your parents, siblings, friends, coworkers or any other people you value and spend time with.

The main career/family issue I see in nearly all of the Americans I know is the stress associated with spending too much time 'working' and not enough time with 'family'. Now these categories are pretty broad and can be broken down into the values associated with each. 'Career' generally means earning enough money to 'be happy' or to pay our bills, not have to worry about having food on the table, and making sure all family members have most of what they need within reason. The 'Family' category usually means being able to spend time with loved ones so that we don't miss out on important moments (first steps, birthdays, sunsets) nor feel guilty about missing these moments. So work is really full of other values like safety, protection, health, wealth, and feeling valued. Similar, family is comprised of things like love, safety, comfort, and joy.

I think the problem arises from two basic issues: 1) work, or career, demands too much of our time, and 2) we feel guilty, sad, or devalued when we feel like we don't have enough time for love. I have talked at length about both of these issues in other episodes, but in short the American career ideal does, indeed, demand too much of our time which I think is most of the problem. Couple that with the idea that, the higher your salary the higher the expectations of time dedicated to work then we have a huge problem for those earning a comfortable living. The wealthier you are, the more likely that the working member of the household will miss out on family time.

The good news is, by identifying your values - especially those associated with career and family - you can identify mechanisms for adjustment. Something as simple as reexamining your budget can reveal how much money your family really needs to be content. And maybe you don't need to earn $200k a year and work 70 hours a week. Maybe changing careers is a viable solution.Similarly, maybe your spouse feels unsafe without a large retirement savings. Maybe you agree to work as hard as possible for a few years and THEN make a change. 

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I hope you are enjoying this interview series as much as I am. Dana reached out to me because talking about curiosity sounded interesting to her. And she has some new and interesting points to make about the importance of curiosity in our lives. It's so much fun to listen to other peoples thoughts about how being curious is important to them. We are all unique, and even a simple topic like curiosity can be very diverse.

Danas' specialty is helping people realize their self worth and to learn better self love practices. She offers several coaching and learning programs to help you move away from imposter syndrome or feeling 'not good enough' toward a happier and more relaxed life. She embodies creativity and has some really cool stories about her interests in art and magic. I can totally picture her leading a self love meditation at burning man.

What I find fascinating about Dana is she is leaving behind a successful pet business to follow her purpose. In helping people understand their relationships with their pets (you can find her book, EmBARKing Down the Lease of Codependency here) she realized her role was much bigger. Now she provides guidance and leadership to help us find peace and contentment in all aspects of our lives.

As someone who struggled with codependency, I appreciate Danas' elegant approach. As she says, we don't really need much to exist in this world as humans, but without believing in ourselves our lives are not as full. And, moreover, by accepting ourselves for who we are we can reach the highest level of contentment and joy.

You can find out about Danas' programs and background on her website, but this interview gives you a real look into who she is, how she operates, and what she finds to be most important with respect to self love. I found myself terrifically relaxed listening to her talk. She is not rushed and you can almost see her calmness - and it's contagious. It is obvious she is good at what she does and I have no doubt a person can find great wisdom in her teachings.

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