The Neurodivergent Professor

In this episode I cover two main points:

1. Millions of people have no interest in the Are vs Should Problem because they can't meet their basic human needs for things like food, clean water, and safe shelter.
2. These problems can only be fixed if we live more in the Are and less in the Should.

There are no two ways about it, I believe that we need to be more Are, and less Should. I am even starting to believe that the world's biggest problems can only be solved by people who realize their full 'Are' potential. It seems imperative that we learn to develop our Are potential and to shun the Shoulds. Being in our Ares is what is going to fuel the creativity necessary to move forward as a species and solve our most pressing issues. 

And, sure, some people already live more in their Are who have invented awesome things like rocket ships an iPhones, but many of these amazing inventions don't mean much to a lot of people on Earth. I think much of the industrialization and consumerism we see today is fueled by the Should and not the Are. 

Similarly, many people do not have the food, water, and shelter necessary to even ponder the Are vs Should Problem. I realize my white privilege is what allows me to even ask whether I am the person I AM or the person I feel like I SHOULD BE. I get that. Not everyone has that luxury. But we all deserve it. We're all born to be who we Are, but our circumstances and opportunities available dictate whether we have luxury time to ponder such things. And the solutions to these food, water, and shelter problems is going to be found by someones' (or many someone's) Are.

Every person on earth deserves to have their needs met. We deserve to have food, clean water, safety, community, and all of the other basic needs. We also deserve to wonder and to be curious. We deserve to have the choice about whether we thrive or survive. We deserve the chance to be who we Are. 

So I feel a sense of urgency around the Are vs Should Problem. We need more of us to think. To learn. To create. To figure out. But to do these things we need to allow ourselves to bIf more of us learned how to minimize the Shoulds, we would make more discoveries, invent more useful items, and more quickly solve the world's most pressing problems. 

Obviously this means that we, as individuals, need to work on this - and I promise, I will develop a "how-to" in the not-too-distant future, but we also need to pave the way for everyone else.

Think about it. We can put people on the moon. Entrepreneurs go to 'space' for fun. Most of us have the internet in our pockets. Don't tell me we can't figure out how to take care of each other. To give each other the opportunity to be who we Are.

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Inside each of us are several characters. These parts are all 'us', but they are distinct from one another. What distinguishes these parts is the roles they play in managing our lives. We are, at the same time, the nice guy, the responsible gal, the tactful them. We play many roles in different aspects of our lives. At work we are cordial and diligent. In bed we are adventurous and raw. As athletes we are courageous and assertive. These different roles help us achieve different goals and help us get along with the dynamic and varied people we interact with each day.

What's most interesting to me is how these parts develop and WHY they exist the way they do. During my decade of therapy and self-help I have learned that my parts, or characters, were developed in childhood - mostly to alleviate some pain or fear. I learned to embrace 'being smart' and a part was born that felt better about himself if he reminded himself that, well, at least he was smarter than some people. I have other parts that similarly justify their pretentious or arrogant beliefs because they protect me from sadness, separation, or isolation. We all have these parts we're not proud of, but they served us well during times of duress when there were no adults around to guide us or teach us a better way.

In other words, many of the parts we carry into adulthood are the result of decisions made made to help us survive a scary or dangerous situation in our youth. Again, at the time these parts were formed, they served their purpose most excellently in helping us survive, feel better, or to find peace. But as we grow, we can learn better ways and we have new experiences that can modify our behaviors. Except that's not always what happens. Often, these parts become stronger through habituated repetition over time. Often times we DON'T learn and apply new information because these parts are so strong. Especially when trauma is repetitive and frequent. I was repetitively bullied, and relied on my 'being smart' part to make me feel better about being a weak target for bigger kids. This made me feel better throughout my youth, but as I grew taller and the bullies stopped picking on me, I was left with a pretentious arrogance that negatively affected me as an adult. It has taken a long time to understand this part, to console it, and to help it find peace. As I understand these parts I am able to make better choices when I interact with people, to feel safer, and to grow.

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Don Miguel Ruiz, author of many books including 'The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book)' uses the term "Domestication" to describe the process by which humans are taught how to live. I have been fascinated by this process, whatever you wish to call it, for as long as I can remember. In fact, I still wonder, often out loud, why no one ever asked whether or not I was agreeing to this social contract. See, we are born into a world that teaches us many things before we even know what's happening to us.

And a social contract is very much what domestication is like. We are taught so many things. How to eat, how to walk, how to speak, what to believe in, where Santa Claus lives, which religion is best, whether or not skin color matters. . . . The list is infinite. We are TAUGHT these things. Many of these things are opinions, some of them are factual, and very few of them are valuable. 

Because some rules are totally important. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Don't spit at people. Don't eat raw kittens. So, sure, some of the domestication process is good and even fundamentally necessary to a healthy society.

The PROBLEM IS, that much of the domestication process is not only unnecessary, it's unfair. And in the context of the Are vs. Should Problem, domestication becomes the Should Bully by teaching us what to think, how to act, and what or whom to believe in. 

And the WORST part is, much of this domestication occurs before we can consent. We are, in fact, brainwashed at very early ages to follow the rules. Again, some of this is good, but a lot of it is NOT. But it's ok, IF we understand this and can go back and edit ourselves, or update what we believe, feel, and do as we grow and change.

The lucky ones, usually in our teenage years but often again in mid life, realize we have learned some weird shit. At certain times in our lives we QUESTION our own beliefs. We get CURIOUS about our thoughts. We WONDER who is really making our decisions. If we're lucky something encourages us to question WHO WE ARE. It is at these times we have a chance to take back our lives, our minds, and our DNA.

This week I share my thoughts about the Domestication process, discuss the damages caused, and provide a warning about our future. Solutions are necessary and urgent. Please follow this series and help me find some.

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In this second part of the Bully vs your DNA miniseries I describe the DNA part. I will make the argument here, which is a fundamental element of my future work on the Are vs Should Problem, that it is our birthright to express our DNA as fully as possible. I hope you enjoy.

For many years I have heard things like, 'Follow your passion!' or, 'if you do what you love you'll never work a day in your life!'. And while I want to love these sentiments, I can't get passed the 'woo-woo' or idealistic nature of the message. Can we really just do what we want? Is that somehow the secret to life? Is being happy really a function of having a job you love?

Now, the old Chris was incredibly cynical (see Episode 28: Doubt and Episode 25: I Suck At. . ) but I am trying very hard to be less so. In fact, I'm starting to see my cynicism as an opportunity for growth. And one of the obstacles I am tackling is this idea that following your passion (or following your ARE) is a worthwhile endeavor that isn't necessarily sprinkled with rainbows OR unicorns.

So I asked the question as to whether there was any evidence that supports the basic human need of 'being ourselves' or 'following our dreams' or 'being our Are'. I came up with what I consider to be hard evidence supporting a 'follow your dream' approach to life rather than a 'put your head down and grind it out' methodology. An Are vs a Should approach, if you will.

See, as an ecologist and evolutionary biologist, I studied a lot about DNA, evolution, natural selection, and the basic machinery available to all animals through time. I believe we understand how these things work inasmuch DNA is a genotypic (i.e., small scale internal biology) expression of sexual reproduction in a species that is expressed phenotypically (i.e., the outside appearance of that animal offspring) AND provides the basic instructions for living out that individuals' life. So that individuals' DNA is a result of reproduction, which rearranges the DNA of each parent to form a new 'set of instructions' for the individual offspring. THEN, that offspring, with their unique DNA instructions, lives in its' environment. During the individuals life, it will express the DNA physically, emotionally, sexually, and all the other ways DNA can be expressed as it is translated from a script to a tissue or action or skill.

That's a lot, and could be a book in itself, but the key here is that the DNA inside our cells is EXPRESSED outside in the world. This is the ARE. When we are in our Are, we are expressing our unique instructions into the world. We are reading the instruction manual the came with us, and only us, and to whatever degree we are then embracing, in the case of the Are, or denying, in the case of the Should, that uniqueness.

In short, I see the complete and total phenotypic expression, the realization, of our unique DNA as a fundamental goal of life. I'm not saying this is a requirement of being human, more like an opportunity. I see this as sort of a challenge that needs to be examined for evidence rather than an edict or, God forbid, rule. 

Continued at www.chrisburcher.com

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Last week I introduced a few examples of the Are vs. Should problem. One of the most obvious examples comes up when we think about our careers. When we're young people ask us what we want to be when we grow up. As adults, many of us wonder what became of those childhood dreams when we find ourselves doing jobs we don't like. And I'll argue it's because we listen more to our Shoulds than to our Ares.

And this isn't to say that Shoulds are all bad, because I think their intent is honorable. Our shoulds are single-minded in trying to keep us safe. As with our choice of career, the Should wants us to make enough money to take care of ourselves and to 'be happy'. Unfortunately, the Should is a mosaic of all of the 'responsible' voices in our lives telling us what to do, how to think. and how to act in life in an effort to 'be happy'. 

The problem is, the Should isn't YOU, and it doesn't really understand what YOU want. The Should wants what 'the world' wants. What your teachers, parents, family, friends, and other close relationships want. The Should is modified by the tv we watch and the articles we read on the internet. The Should is deigned to keep the Are at bay, and to push this common agenda at all costs. I'll talk more about the Are in Part 2 of this miniseries, but for now let's just say your Are represents the 'real you' or your 'true self'. Or something like that - whereas the Should is partly you, but is comprised of all the voices you hear everyday.

Historically, I think humans connected more with the 'real you', or 'true self'. In other words, we used to listen to the Are more. The emerging problem is, we see a lot of Should in the world today. I'd say more and more people are spending more and more time in their Should than in years past, and humans are losing their Ares in the process.

I think a result of this increasing Should phenomenon is that the Should has become a bully. Rather than being just one of your many parts, the Bully has become the loudest, most feared, and threatening ally in our head. Due to the peaceful nature of our Are, the Should now represents the antithesis to the 'real you'. The Should berates us, exaggerates reality, and will do anything to keep you from listening to your other parts. But it's not only that the Should's voice is becoming louder, it is becoming more and more stifling and homogenous. 

The onset of social media, the Fear of Missing Out (FOMO), and the idea that everyone else is more perfect than you further strengthens our Shoulds. Now our Should aims even higher. To perfection, even, making it impossible to get even close to achieving what the Should would tell us to achieve. To the point where many therapists and counselors suggest we don't use Should statements at all because this line of thinking sets us up for failure, depression, anxiety, and frustration. 

So somehow this Should part of our 'self' has gotten way out of hand. The should is taking over who we imagine ourselves to be and creating anxiety, depression, and frustration. It is time to regain control of the voices in our heads by realizing there is a dictator in charge that needs to be checked. And one of the easiest ways to do this is to reconnect with, and listen to, your Are.

Next week I'll talk about the Are and why it is critical to rediscover yours.

To hear more about the Should side of your self, listen or watch the full Episodes below.

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As we move forward trying to discern the gist of the Are vs. Should Problem, I want to describe both the general dilemma and share a few specific examples. Generally speaking, you know you are in the Are vs. Should Problem when you experience discomfort, cognitive dissonance, anxiety, fear, anger, and other uncomfortable emotions. Of course, there could be many causes for these states of mind and it's ALWAYS hard to identify the cause. It's like when my kids get sick I always want to know where and when they picked up the virus or bacteria. We are all Sherlock Holmes to some degree and need to know WHY things happen. With the Are vs Should Problem it is difficult because the symptoms are so universal.

On the other hand, it could be that any discomfort, to some degree, is RELATED to the Are vs. Should problem and I make the assumption that this is nearly always the case. Despite the multitude of things that can happen to a human and the variety of reactions we can have, I'll argue that the cognitive dissonance related to these reactions is in part a result of the struggle between who you ARE and who you think you SHOULD BE.

If you look at the Episodes I have recorded, you will see the Are vs. Should problem at work in many forms. Analysis Paralysis is something we all experience where we can't make a decision, get anxious, and lose the ability to move forward. To some degree, this is a result of the conflict between what the person we ARE would do, and what society/family/job tells us we SHOULD do. We all experience internal conflict and Doubt about our decisions and what the outcomes will be. This is the essence of the Are vs. Should problem. Similarly, struggles between narcissists and codependents epitomize the ARE and SHOULD extremes between two different people where each person is struggling between extremes of selfishness and caretaking.

Though I can't yet offer distinct solutions about which voice to listen to, I do know that this struggle is fairly universal. I talk about this in episode about different vs. the same. I think this is because the struggle between these competing personalities (ARE vs. SHOULD) can be isolating and lead us to spend a lot of time 'in our heads' and at the very least we need to be aware of how isolating this struggle can be. When we are in our heads, we are feeling more pressure from the SHOULD and need to get more inside our ARE. Think about it, who is the voice in your head most of the time? Who are you talking to? Who are you?? The more in your head you are, the more 'should' you are being.

Which person do you want to be? This is where we will be headed in future episodes. This is the type of person you are being - but is it the type of person you want to be?? Who do you REALLY want to be? The are or the should? This dissonance can be mild or critical. This is what the personal inventory is all about, identifying and ranking your traits and prioritizing what to do about it.

In this episode I share a few examples ranging from fairly benign to critically important. Struggles between the ARE and SHOULD can create chronic anxiety, stress, and fear. Do you want to live in a state of anxiety all the time? Our perspectives about gender roles or blue and pink jobs can greatly influence some people's choices and experiences. Isn't it important we figure out what matte

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As we pursue the "Are vs. Should Problem" and examine our personal inventory, I want to describe two main ways we can understand ourselves and the realities we live in.

First, there is the measurable world. The 'Hard' world where science reigns supreme. Things are measurable, quantifiable, and therefore fit into the well oiled scientific machinery. Problems stemming from economics, medicine, and food supply are easily boiled down into testable hypotheses and theories used to derive definitive results. Other people have described hard problems as being those containing subjects comprised of matter (as opposed to ideas, for example).

Is the economy going to tank? Well, the data on X and Y support a trajectory that suggests no.

Will this medicine prevent a global pandemic? It is 98% effective at preventing disease and 90% of the population is vaccinated so yes!

Is this years corn crop enough to supply North America for the winter? Yes, ten billion metric tonnes of corn will feed 200 million people (I completely made up those numbers, but you get the point)

So science is pretty darned good at answering certain questions. About things that we can OBSERVE and MEASURE.

EVERYTHING ELSE is a SOFT problem defined by a soft reality. EVERYTHING ELSE.

My point in this episode is that VERY FEW items in our personal inventory are going to fit into the HARD reality. And, unfortunately, scientists (and other professionals who get paid to think) spend most of their time on HARD problems because, well, because they have to. The hard tools don't work as well on the soft realities. BUT THEY CAN WORK!

And so, as part of our assessment of our personal inventory, and as part of the process of weeding out the needs, the wants, and the don't-really-need-so-muches, we have to develop a new skill set. 

One way to understand the soft problems, is simply to borrow the scientific tools used for hard problems. Einstein, and others, called these 'thought experiments'. There's no reason we can't follow the scientific approach to ask questions about soft realities, we just can't draw the same conclusions because not everything can be boiled down to numbers.

And that may be another way to understand the difference. Hard reality problems can be boiled down to a set of numbers that represent the reality: The average person has 10,000 thoughts a day. Whereas the soft reality problem can't be measured like that: The average person worries about death and being unloved as they age. Worry, fear, sadness. How do you measure those things? And, if you could, why would you? What we want and need with soft problems is simply a better understanding of the realities across people. Science isn't a good tool to go about understanding this. Our minds, however, are excellent tools to solve these problems - we just have to normalize this however we can once we find a system that works. 

And, really, we probably have lots of Unscientific approaches that work - we just treat them differently from science because, well, they aren't science. Next week I'll go in to a bit more detail with examples.

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On our journey to define the ARE vs SHOULD problem (Episode 50), we must first define the 'existing conditions'. Like many scientific endeavors (and I'm NOT saying this is a scientific endeavor, rather, that I will take a scientific APPROACH), the Are vs Should investigation needs to know where it's coming from to understand where it's going.

And, really, the personal inventory is just that - it defines where we are at the beginning of our adventure. Doesn't every good movie do the same thing? Isn't this really just a classic 'set the scene' device we use to tell stories and keep them interesting?

And so on the path to personal growth and figuring out the Are vs. Should problem, we will first lay everything out on the table and start from there. Carlos Castaneda, in the books he wrote about Don Juan Matus, talked a lot about the table, and the tonal, as being the field of the 'known' or the 'earthly' possessions humans carry around with them.

But the personal inventory is about much more than just physical objects. It's the feelings we have, the people we know, the relationships we build, the cars we drive, the foods we eat, and so on, and so on, ad infinitum.

Truly, the personal inventory is the story of everything that has happened to us in our lives up to the point at which we build the personal inventory. And, yes, it's a huge job and no, I don't expect you to nail every last thing.

The idea is that, if someone asked you about the 'basics' of the inventory: your likes, dislikes, wants, needs, desires, values, etc. you'd probably be able to come up with a handful of things quickly. And you might even think that those things 'pretty much' described who you are. And that's the problem. We don't see ourselves as being all that complex. Or maybe not AS complex as we truly are.

We are ourselves and our experiences. So TIME is a huge factor here. Our personal inventory is also our personal HISTORY. Much of the personal inventory is things we haven't done, or thought about, in a long time. It's our past and our present. It's who we ARE and who we WERE. It's physical and it's metaphysical. 

And, again, the idea is not to be complete nor obsessive. The idea is to think about this as much as we can, to establish a 'who am I' table full of things, and then to move forward.

Building your personal inventory can be fun. You will be surprised how interesting you are if you push yourself beyond your comfort zone and tolerate the pain of a thorough investigation of your self. 

And, truly, if you don't put forth an earnest effort (and you must define what that is for yourself), you will not make much progress on the Are vs. Should problem. The more you reveal about yourself, the more material you will have to work with.

While I'm not entirely sure what will come next, it will very likely focus on an ASSESSMENT of the personal inventory to think about where and how these pieces of you came to be. And whether they need to stay. Or go. And whether there are things missing that you wish were there. Please comment below with thoughts you might have about what comes next. More next week in Episode 52.

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This episode is a milestone for several reasons. One, it's the 50th episode and, for a weekly podcast that means it has been about a year, which is also a not insignificant milestone. For a one-man-band hobby podcaster, that's a pretty good run. When I started KEW I wasn't sure where I was going or what I was trying to accomplish over the long term.

And, really, I began asking myself that question around Episode 41 when I announced the 'state of the podcast', which was mostly about changing up a few mechanical aspects like social media and shortening the episodes from an hour or more to around 20 minutes.

Prior to that I was on a roll of episodes that reflected my personal growth (Ep. 33: Soul, Ep. 34 Self, Ep. 36: Narcissism and Codependency) and things I have learned in counseling, therapy, and coaching.

The rest of the Episodes tended to address concepts I have thought about for years or longer. I learned a lot by sitting down and talking these concepts through in podcast form. 

Then I did an interview series about Curiosity that gave me some experience networking and interviewing but also expounded on a key element of what KEW was all about. And I didn't realize this when I started.

In fact, I didn't now much when I started, but I did know I wanted to develop some cohesion across my varied thoughts. I wanted to find a theme in this work that could be organized into some sort of cohesive document, series, or work. I wanted to find the patterns in my ideas and figure out how to put them all together to be presented as an integrated whole.

And Episode 50 seemed like the right time to so.

I have spent the past few weeks figuring out what this integrative device would be and I have found a place to start.

The reason I was compelled to do this podcast/blog/vlog is to address a single theme:

The human condition is a struggle between who we ARE and who we think we SHOULD BE

Though I'm sure this isn't entirely universal, it's close enough for me. And it IS me. And I want to share my thoughts about the WHAT, WHY, and HOW of this struggle with the world. Because I bring a unique perspective, and I will argue that UNIQUENESS is supposed to be expressed. 

SO, inherent to my argument, basically Episode 50 forward, is me expressing my unique offering to the world about what, why, and how we deal with this struggle. The 'Are vs. Should' Problem, if you will.

And I will do this in real time. 

I have a rough 'table of contents' for two products. One about the What and the Why, and one about the How. Basically, I will develop, in conjunction with weekly podcast topics, this table of contents into two cohesive manuscripts to be released at some later date. The first will explain WHAT *I* think this dilemma IS and WHY *I* think this struggle exists. In the second book I will share HOW *I* think we can deal with or address this struggle.

These works will build upon my SCIENCE knowledge and PERSONAL GROWTH experience. My credentials or credibility, if you will. It's what I have, after all. And who I am. And that's all I got.

So Episode 50 explains all that in a bit more detail. I hope you enjoy and will help me complete these works.

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This is the final episode in the Knowledge + Experience = Wisdom Curiosity series. I really didn't know what I was getting myself into, whether I'd be a good interviewer, or whether people I did, or didn't know, would have anything interesting to say about Curiosity. Well, I learned a TON about myself and about curiosity, and I hope that these interviews stimulate Curiosity in others.

I only knew one of the interviewees personally, and I we had really just met. And I knew little, if anything about the other eight. These interviews represent two people meeting, for the first time mostly, and having a conversation about whatever came to mind and using Curiosity as a starting point.

I was amazed to get so many points of view about what I thought was a pretty straightforward subject. Turns out, Curiosity is a complex idea and a word that means many things to different people. It makes me wonder if most words are like that, or if most things have a more discreet definition.

Of course Curiosity is about wanting to know things, but I was surprised to hear several people say that Curiosity is innate; we are born with a 'ravenous' Curiosity (according to Bernhard Kutzler, with whom I now agree). This makes me wonder, then, why we aren't as curious when we get older? Dana Humphrey suggests it could be because curiosity often stimulates ACTION, and that taking action requires courage. Are we afraid of being curious? Fascinating.

Some folks seem to live in a world that is literally FULL of curiosity. David McRaney, for example, says he has never been bored, or never NOT been curious! And I know from experience, and several interviewees agreed, that being curious is what helps motivate me to get out of bed in the morning. So, it seems Curiosity is a GOOD thing, at least, despite potentially requiring some scary actions sometimes.

Several key elements of being human were brought up by other interviewees. There was a theme of how important it is to love yourself first and to not listen to the 'roommate' voice in your head trying to beat you up. It seems the state of being Curious requires a 'healthy life', both mentally and physically, to allow the Curiosity to blossom. And maybe this gets at how Curiosity can be 'expressed' into action, or held in our minds as mental wonder. 

But this theme that Curiosity, both as a mental construct and as a DOING in the world, seems important. And from this series I conclude that Curiosity is a natural part of being human, and that it is CRITICAL that we nurture a curiosity to maintain health, or to ward of a state of dis-ease. Curiosity, somehow, is pushed to the side as we age and we must consciously make an effort to maintain a Curious state of mind if we want to live full lives. It is clear to me now that maintaining a healthy Curiosity is as important as being kind to yourself or practicing daily meditation or similar habits.

There is much more to be understood, but I truly appreciate the knowledge shared and created during these interviews and for the time each person shared with us. I hope you enjoy listening and that you hear or see something that makes you Curious.

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