Oh my God, I can't stop reading the news. I am so infuriated! Did you see this other article?!

[MUSIC]

Hello! I’m Cianna Stewart, founder of the No Complaining Project. I define complaining as expressing grief, pain, or discontent without contributing to solving the problem. Many of us complain as an unconscious habit, and it’s hurting us and the people around us in more ways than we realize. My goal is to share tools and information to support you in changing your life and improving your relationships by shifting from complaining to taking action. Quitting complaining seems simple, but it goes deep, and once you stop, you’ll never want to start again. I hope you’ll join me in Going NoCo - NoCo for No Complaining. Your world will look different if you do.

[MUSIC]

I'm recording this at the beginning of May 2020 and the world is crazy. Well, that’s one word for it. You could also say: disorienting, distressing, terrifying, anxiety-producing… The exact feeling varies depending on what you’re personally going through. What is universal is that this is different than anything we’ve ever experienced before, and it’s hard. 

We're all dealing with uncertainty, a loss of control. And in general, humans don't like uncertainty. Even those of us (like me) who are anti-routine… we like novelty, but not uncertainty. So I'm finding that a lot of people are looking to the news or to their friends, all sorts of places around them in order to get information to try to feel a little bit more settled inside, to feel like they at least know what's going on. Like maybe more information will help them figure out what to do.

People are also talking through their stress and their anxiety with their friends. So many of us are going through very similar things right now and it feels great to be able to share support around that. 

All of that is pretty understandable. It's normal. If it’s done right, it can be healthy, even healing. Unfortunately, many of us are more destructive than healing. If you’re not careful, all that reading and all that talking about stress actually can become really damaging to your health. Not just your mental health, but actually also your physical health. And while the world is without a doubt messed up, I don’t want you to make it any worse for yourself. So that's what I want to talk about today. 

[BREAK]

What I’m concerned about is, for example, say you’re someone who’s feeling anxiety or stress about the current situation in the world. Maybe you read some articles online or saw someone posting something on social media which made you concerned. Maybe you then went looking for more articles on that same topic so you could learn more about it, read some opinion pieces, watched a video. Maybe after that you saw some other articles on a similar topic that warned you about the dangers of something else that’s related so you started looking into those as well. Maybe you found yourself having lost more time than you intended doing this, and it seems like this happens almost every day.

Or maybe you’re talking with a friend about your frustration or your anger. You know your friend is going through a similar thing. You swap stories back and forth. You’re both getting more worked up as you talk. “Misery loves company,” right? It feels like you’ve had this conversation a hundred times, that the situation is endless and you’re stuck.

Both of these scenarios are damaging for a similar reason: You are actively focusing your brain on the negative, training it to pay attention only to that.

Yes, I said you are actively training your brain. Neuroscientists have learned that our brains keep developing and changing throughout our lives, in response to what stimulus they receive. This is called “neuroplasticity” and it’s incredibly powerful. And you can use it to your advantage if you understand it and work with it.

Super-simplified, the brain works by passing electrical signals between receivers called neurons. The more often a particular pair of neurons fire off an electrical signal between them, the easier it is for them to fire in the future. It’s like water slowly carving a path as it flows. Eventually one route becomes worn into a groove and the water keeps flowing in that direction, wearing out more of a groove and making it even easier for more water to flow there. A similar thing is happening to pairs of neurons. The ones that get fired often become easier to trigger and so then they fire more often and they become your go-to way of thinking. They can even pull in adjacent neurons to help boost the signal. There’s a saying, “neurons that fire together, wire together.” It’s like a skill that gets trained in your brain.

You see where this is going? When you continually focus on negative things, you train your brain to look for the negative. You become an expert in seeing danger and issuing warnings. This is useful if you’re watching out for predators in a jungle or are working in security, but most of us on an average day are not in a constantly elevated level of danger. The tricky thing with the pandemic right now is that we are learning to respond to a new and unfamiliar danger and that has us on high alert. And even though most of us are not at immediate risk every hour of the day, we’re operating on an increased anxiety level as if we are.

You might think this is keeping you safe, but that’s only true up to a point. In truth, complaining and obsessing on the danger and uncertainty is one of the worst things that you can possibly do for your mental and physical health.

When you’re complaining with someone or you’re reading news that continually fires up your feelings of danger, you are raising and reinforcing your stress. You’re increasing the stress hormone, cortisol, and over time that can do great damage to your body. Chronic stress has been linked to an elevated risk of heart attacks, diabetes, even cancer. It can shut down activity in the planning center of your brain, the pre-frontal cortex. It also weakens your immune system, which is definitely not something you want right now. It’s hard to overstate the importance of managing your stress levels in order to maintain your health.

[BREAK]

Habitual complaining also puts you at greater risk for depression. I look at studies on rumination to understand this, because rumination is defined simply as repeating a thought or concern without completion, meaning that something is going round and round in your head and you do nothing about it to get out that loop. We’ve all found ourselves doing this at some point, but when it becomes a dominant form of thought, then you are oiling the wheels towards depression, speeding things up if you’re already at risk.

[BREAK] 

As if that’s not enough, habitual complaining and focusing on the negative actually makes your world seem worse than it is. It can keep you from noticing or remembering the parts of your world that are good or even just ok. The end result is you think that everything is horrible when it isn’t, that it’s worse than it actually is.

In recent years, neuroscientists have been able to watch which parts of our brain get activated when we’re doing or thinking certain things. They use a tool called “functional magnetic resonance imaging” or FMRIs, and this has led to so many breakthroughs in neuroscience it’s kind of unbelievable to compare what we know now to what we knew even 25 years ago.

One of the most interesting things has been to see that when people are negatively focused, when you're actively thinking about a negative thing, it t...

Today’s exercise will be tapping into our sense of compassion.

Focus on a particular person, someone whose complaining bothers you.

Do you have that person in mind? OK, let’s begin.

[BELL]

Take a deep breath in and hold it.

Let it out and stay empty.

Breathe in. Breath out.

One more time breathe in. And out.

Think about that person. Being to mind their complaints. I’ll ask a series of questions that you don’t need to answer, just let them go through your mind while you’re thinking of that person.

What are the words they’re saying?

What do they say is causing them this distress? 

What might be underneath their complaint?

Are they in physical pain?

Are they feeling lonely and are seeking attention?

Are they feeling dismissed and need to assert themselves?

Are they stressed about something and unable to address that?

Are they feeling powerless?

Are they feeling vulnerable or at risk?

Are they sad or depressed?

Why do you think this person has chosen you to complain to? Can you nurture this part of your relationship? 

How do you imagine they want you to respond? Would they be able to ask for that? Or to receive it if you were to offer it?

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Imagine yourself in their position. What would you want to happen? Can that happen?

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Now we will focus on your response to the situation. 

What is it that you're wanting to have happen instead that is not happening? Are you feeling disappointment about that not happening?

Is there anything about the complaint that is triggering something that is your own complaint, something that you wish for yourself that isn't happening? 

Is there some reason that this particular person, this relationship or this complaint actually triggers a more painful response in you than listening to other people's complaints?

Is it painful for you to feel this person’s suffering?

Are you stressed or at a limit? Is it hard to absorb another’s complaints at this time? What can you do to take care of yourself? Are you able to ask for that?

Do you have expectations for yourself that you don’t feel you’re meeting?

Can you give yourself a break?

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Once more: Breathe in. Breathe out.

[BELL]

That's all for today. Go NoCo.

Episode 2: Dealing With A Complainer

TRANSCRIPT:

Seriously? You teach people to stop complaining? Boy, do I know someone I’d like to send to you!

[MUSIC]

Hello! I’m Cianna Stewart, founder of the No Complaining Project. I define complaining as expressing grief, pain, or discontent without contributing to solving the problem. Many of us complain as an unconscious habit, and it’s hurting us and the people around us in more ways than we realize. My goal is to share tools and information to support you in changing your life and improving your relationships by shifting from complaining to taking action. Quitting complaining seems simple, but it goes deep, and once you stop, you’ll never want to start again. I hope you’ll join me in Going NoCo - NoCo for No Complaining. Your world will look different if you do.

[MUSIC]

When I tell people that I run a thing called the “No Complaining Project,” almost every time, the first thing that somebody says is something along the lines of, "Oh my gosh, can you help me with so-and-so?" Or, "How can I deal with this person in my life who is such a complainer?" 

When you saw the name of this podcast, did someone come to mind for you ? If so, that’s not surprising. We live in a complaining culture. It’s the norm to hear people complaining about their jobs, their spouses, their kids, their parents, their bodies, the media, politics, food, the weather, what’s on TV, being bored… you name it, people complain about it! 

But the overall state of our culture is not what what I’m going to talk about today. I want to bring it closer to home, back to how you can deal with having a complainer in your life.

[BREAK]

Even though we hear complaints all around us, some bother us more than others, and hearing some particular people complaining is harder to take than others. 

So, why is it that listening to that one person complaining gets to you? The usual response is that you’re “tired” of it. What does that actually mean?

Being “tired” of listening to someone’s complaining is usually an indicator of your own frustration with the situation. Maybe in the past you’ve tried to help this person solve the problems that they complain about and your efforts were rejected. Maybe you tried several times and eventually gave up, or were shut down, or maybe they got angry with you for trying.

What’s underneath that frustration, that “feeling tired,” in most situations, it’s because you care about the person that’s complaining and that listening to them complain affects your own mood or — if it’s really bad — it can even affect how you feel about them, causing you to unconsciously defend yourself by caring about their suffering a little bit less.

Sometimes, you don’t have strong feelings for the complainer, but you are feeling care for yourself. Maybe you feel trapped, and experience your own suffering about having to listen to those complaints, the content of the complaints, the tone that the complainer is using, or some combination.

It would be easy to fall into the trap of complaining about the complainer. Maybe you already have in the past. But that won’t change the situation. Today I’m going to share a few problem-solving techniques to support you taking action so that you don’t feel stuck.

I will warn you that doing this — taking action on complaining — is going against the grain. Remember, ours is a complaining culture. So, this can feel awkward or really risky. Some people may feel criticized or embarrassed if you don’t handle this carefully. I’m going to offer a variety of options so you can choose what feels right for you in your situation. Just know that it will probably take a bit of effort and vulnerability on your part, so be kind to yourself.

[BREAK]

Simply put, this person’s complaining is a problem for your life. So I’m going to use a problem solving framework. In problem solving, there are three options: You can try to change the situation, you can walk away, or you can accept it.

We always start by seeing if you can change the situation. Because I’m assuming that you care about this person, the goal of these techniques is to alter the complaining behavior while preserving your relationship with them.

The first is what I call creating “NoCo Zones.” NoCo for no complaining. This means setting up certain times of the day, certain locations or certain activities during which everyone is prohibited from complaining. Now, to achieve this, you’re going to have to get some buy-in, and it's certainly easier in situations where you’re in a role that you can actually dictate other people's behaviors, such as being a manager in an office or a teacher in a school or a parent in a home or the driver in a car. These are all situations in which the structure is such that people are supposed to listen to the rules that you have laid down (whether or not they do) but you have the authority to impose certain rules.

You should start by explaining that Going NoCo is not just about holding back from saying negative things, that it's actually about changing from just complaining about a situation to trying to solve the problem and take action on it. This means that people can express their concerns in an effort to find solutions, and get others’ input or help.

When you create a NoCo Zone, you want to get specific. At home, for example, you can declare that there will be no complaining at the dinner table, or when everyone first comes home from work or school or whatever, or for the first two hours of the morning after waking up.

If you're in an office, you can designate the break room or certain meetings as NoCo Zones. Or you could just declare a personal NoCo zone around your desk or workspace.

To help remind people, I recommend putting up a sign of some kind on the wall or, if it’s a temporary zone, setting up a little sign that can come on and off a table. To make that easy, I have printable NoCo signs you can download for free on my website, gonoco.com, complete with the definition and our cute logo. 

Before you get all crazy declaring NoCo Zones everywhere, here’s something to keep in mind: For this to work, you also have to empower others to be able to point out when you’re complaining. It's not a one-way-only situation. This is not something where you get to set a rule but don't have to follow it. You also have to be ready to get some honest feedback. I know that you might not complain much. Then again, you might complain more than you think. Complaining is so common it’s an unconscious habit - and the definition of an unconscious habit is we don't know when we're doing it. Other people can be super useful and helpful in letting us recognize our own behaviors so that we can learn and grow. Consider it an opportunity.

I have a great story about this. A single mom asked me what she could do about her two kids. They were both elementary school age and she was being driven crazy by all their complaining. I told her about NoCo Zones and she got really excited. She thought it might be hard to get them to follow this rule, but she was willing to give it a try because she was totally exhausted with the day in day out griping. I ran into her about a year later and she was eager to tell me what happened. She had decided to make a NoCo Zone from when they got home until the end of dinner. When she told her kids about this, she braced herself for them to, well, complain about it. But instead, she was surprised because the kids were really happy and enthusiastic about having a ...

[TRANSCRIPT]

Today's practice focuses on reminding ourselves that we have choice. This is important because it's easy to fall back into old patterns, unthinkingly doing what we don't want to do.

I'm going to ask you to think of an example of something concrete that you want to work on. Something that's not super emotionally charged.

Leave the harder things for when you already have this skill down. For now, come up with something that's current, that bothers you in a low-grade way and that you'd like to resolve, but still haven't done anything about 

Got it? Let's begin.

Take a moment to settle.  

Take a deep breath in and hold it. And breathe it out.

Breathe in, and out.

Breathe in, and out.

Now bring that example situation to mind. Ask yourself, what would it take to change the situation? What options do you have? How could you fix it?

Perhaps you haven't done anything about it because you don't see any options. Is there someone who could help you to figure out how to change it or fix it? Someone who can give you new ideas on how to alter the situation? Who can help you think it through?

Breathe in, breathe out.

If it's a situation that feels like you can't change it, could you walk away from it? Is it something that you could put a stop to? Could you change course and make it irrelevant?

Breathe in, breathe out.

If you don't see a path for you to be able to change the situation, and you also don't see a path on which you could walk away from the situation, how could you shift something inside of yourself so that you can accept what's happening?

Could you possibly change what it is that you're wanting so that whatever's bothering you now doesn't matter?

Perhaps you find it hard to sit with the idea of accepting the situation. If so, ask yourself, what is the story that you're telling to yourself about who you would be if you accepted the situation? And then ask yourself, is that story true?

Is that story inevitable? Is there a way that you can change that story?

Here's something to keep in mind about acceptance: Accepting a difficult situation doesn't mean that you approve of it or that you have to be resigned to it. It means that you're letting go of your idea of what things should be, and instead of becoming present with what is. You're dropping your resistance to it and you're also releasing its power over you.

Ultimately that's a kindness to yourself. So if you must stay and you can't change it, how can you find a way to accept what's happening and come to peace with it?

Take a deep breath in and hold it, and let it out.

Review your options again. How could you address or change the situation? Is there somebody who can help you figure out how? Could you leave this situation? Could you walk away and if neither, can you accept this? 

Breathe in, and breathe out.

That's the end of our practice for today. Thank you for choosing to share your time with me and for choosing to give this to yourself and to the people around you. Thank you. Go NoCo.

[TRANSCRIPT]

Today's practice will help you get clear on why you want to stop complaining. This is important because sometimes breaking a habit can get hard and you can lose motivation. But if you're clear on your why, then that can help carry you through. 

Your choice to stop complaining is a solid one for yourself and for the people around you. Today's practice will reinforce that choice and you can carry this with you going forward. 

Let's begin.

Take a moment to settle. Take a deep breath in and hold it.

And then breathe out and leave your lungs empty for a moment.

Take a breath in and breathe it out.

One more time. Breathe in. And breathe out.

I'm going to go through a series of questions. Just let them float through your mind. Don't grasp at any and try to figure out the answer to it at this moment. Just ask them silently to yourself as I ask them of you.

What goals do you have for yourself when it comes to stopping complaining? Do you want to reduce your stress levels? Are you aiming for a better overall health? Do you want to improve your mood?

Do you want to stop fighting with your inner critic? Are you looking for more creativity? What is it in terms of benefiting yourself that would make it worth it to do the effort to stop complaining?

Breathe in, and out.

Who else in your life could benefit if you were to stop complaining? What relationships would you like to improve? Are there relationships within your family that you're looking to improve? Interactions with coworkers? Are there friendships that you're looking to improve or deepen?

What are the important relationships in your life? Who else around you could benefit if you were to stop complaining?

Breathe in, and out.

Now take a moment to imagine how you want to feel on a day to day basis. What image of yourself do you want? How do you want to be able to describe yourself? What image of you do you want others to have? How do you want people to think of you?

Imagine how you would like to interact with others and who you are when you have those kinds of interactions.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

What would your life look like if you were to stop complaining? What would change? What would stay the same? 

Breathe in. Breathe out. Once more. Breathe in. Breathe out.

That's the end of our practice for today. If you can, I recommend taking a moment right now to write down any images or words that came to mind with as much detail and clarity as you can. Just grab a journal or any random piece of paper and write it down. 

Complaining is a habit. A bad, unconscious habit that erodes relationships, increases stress levels, destroys creativity, and generally makes life more awful than it has to be. This week we define what a complaint is and isn't, introduce the distinction between healthy & unhealthy complaining, and argue for some reasons you might want to quit.

[TRANSCRIPT]

What's this no complaining thing about? What if something really is wrong? Are we just supposed to shut up about it? What's the point of all this? Why would I want to do it?

Hello! I’m Cianna Stewart, founder of the No Complaining Project. My goal is to share tools and information to support you in changing your life and improving your relationships by shifting from complaining to taking action. Quitting complaining seems simple, but it goes deep, and once you stop, you’ll never want to start again. I hope you’ll join me in Going NoCo - NoCo for No Complaining. Your world will look different if you do.

Welcome to the podcast for the No Complaining Project! I’ve been doing this for over a decade and I’ve seen how much it can help people in all sorts of different ways so I’m excited to share it with you. 

Before we dive in, I want to address a big misperception that often comes up when I tell people that I run a thing called the No Complaining Project. It is absolutely not my goal for people to just shut up and suffer in silence. Anyone who knows me know that when things go wrong, I think it's really important to speak up and to make them right, or figure out some way to deal with them. I also know that’s often easier said than done. And that’s the heart of the No Complaining Project: to figure out what’s in the way and how to clear those roadblocks.

[BREAK]

So let’s get started. Did you know there’s a healthy way to complain and an unhealthy way? The healthy way will improve your life and the world in general, while the unhealthy way can erode your relationships, increase your stress, screw up your work, hurt your health… so many bad bad things. It may seem like a small thing — complaining — but the more I dove into this the more I realized unhealthy complaining really affects your whole life.

I define an unhealthy complaint as: “Expressing grief, pain, or discontent without contributing to solving the problem.” 

Now, the dictionary definition just has the first part of that sentence, “expressing grief, pain, or discontent.” But when we say someone is “such a complainer,” we mean more than that. So I expanded the definition to match how we use it. Even more important, I’ve found that the thing that's actually gonna really turn your life around is to focus on that second part, “without contributing to solving the problem.” See, the whole point is to move from habitual unconscious complaining to taking action. And I call this Going NoCo — NoCo for no complaining. 

The reality is that life isn't always great. I mean, sometimes it’s great, and sometimes life smacks you around and punches you in the gut. And what are you supposed to do then? I don't subscribe to that whole, “just put a positive spin on it,” you know, “just smile your way through it. Think happy thoughts.” That’s not real life. That's not actually helpful. And it turns out that’s not very healthy, either.

Ignoring or suppressing your pain is called “emotional bypass,” and that won't heal anything and it won’t get you out of a bad situation. Suppressing your emotions can actually increase your stress which leads to things like heart attacks and ulcers. It also disconnects you from others when you don’t let people know what you’re really going through, when you’re hiding from them.

Of course sharing your emotions and admitting that you’re in pain or that you need help is hard. It’s scary and vulnerable and unfamiliar. Most of us are not good at it. I know I’m terrible at it - although I’m better than I used to be! I’ve seen how much better life can be when I let people in instead of trying to tough it out. And that’s what helps actually reduce the pain and move past the issues. So that’s what we do when we Go NoCo: We stop the unhealthy patterns and learn healthy things to do instead.

[BREAK]

There are really two healthy ways to complain: problem solving and venting. 

When you're problem solving, you can sound like you're complaining. You're using all the same words. You're expressing why something bothers you. But the key distinction is that you're talking to somebody who can do something about it or you’re asking somebody for help.

You're expressing something with the intention of actually resolving the problem that's underlying it. I mean, that may seem really, really obvious, but it's all about the intention. That’s what’s important to uncover when you hear yourself complain. What is your intention here? And if your intention is to actually solve the problem, then that's problem-solving. And that is really healthy and it's really necessary and it's the only way that things actually get changed in this world.

[BREAK]

The second healthy option is to recognize that there are times when we get totally overwhelmed with a feeling, and that feeling is the only thing that's in our minds and it's overshadowing everything else. Like, for example, if you were crossing the street on your way into a meeting and someone almost runs you over. Or a message pops up on your phone from an ex that you never wanted to hear from again. Or maybe you just found out that someone you were counting on to do something didn’t end up doing it. When something happens and we get really angry or scared or sad, it can blot out everything else. 

When we're in that state, it's actually really hard to have a conversation, especially about anything other than what we’re feeling inside. It's hard to be present, to pay attention to the conversation at hand, to concentrate on any work that we have to do — for anything outside of ourselves. Our brains are just filled and we're emotionally “flooded” is the term for being so overwrought with some emotion that it crowds out everything else. And being flooded can affect what you do and what you say. It can make you more reactive. It can keep you from seeing a way out. It can make you say and do things that you wouldn't normally do if you were calm. 

So you have to purge that valve. You have to get that out of your system. And even more importantly, you should let the person that you're with know that that's going on for you because otherwise you're totally distracted and you're just thinking about that thing that's bothering you instead of paying attention to them. You need to vent.

When you’re venting, you’re trying to clear an emotion so that you can have a shared reality with the person you're talking with. Venting is very important. It’s necessary. And your intention is to move past that feeling of being overwhelmed, that immediate pain.

Now, the key distinction with venting is it really only happens once. It's when something happens and it overwhelms you and your system gets flooded and you need to get it out of your system. That happens once and then you vent. The second time you say it, the third time, the 15th time when you're retelling a story and you actually start the story not feeling the emotion, and then through the telling of the story you rekindle that emotion… Now you're complaining and that is not healthy. Any time you're doing a repetition of something that is not current, or you're talking to somebody who can do nothing about it, or you're just rekindling an emotion that you didn't start the conversation feeling, all of that is complaining. And that kind of habitual unconscious complaining is the target of the No Complaining Project.

[BREAK]

So, to recap, those are the two healthy ways to complain...

TRANSCRIPT:

Hello. I'm Cianna Stewart and I've been teaching people how to stop complaining since 2009. At first I was just trying to address my own negative attitude after noticing how it impacted my friends. I soon realized that my complaining also impacted my ability to appreciate the good things that were happening in my life. Truth is, I didn't even notice when things were good because I was so obsessed with what wasn't working. I also noticed how much complaining there was in our society and how hard it was to stop. I took a bunch of classes, did research and learned techniques for changing my mindset, adapting them to focus on complaining as I went along.

I started to call the practice "Going NoCo" (for "no complaining") and it changed my life -- and my experience of my life -- so much for the better that I started sharing it with others. And that led to creating The No Complaining Project. Over the past decade, I've seen people reduce their stress, improve their relationships, find more fulfillment and success at work, and generally just feel more joy in their lives, all because of the things they learned when they started paying attention to their complaints, making the decision to break that habit.

I'm looking forward to sharing The No Complaining Project with you through this podcast. I'll cover the research behind why this works, mixed together with concrete practices, so it's not all theory. I want to be sure that it stays useful for you, so reach out to me through my website, gonoco.com, that's  G-O-N-O-C-O.com, with any questions or situations you want covered.

I'm excited to share this practice with you. Go NoCo.