Double Dragon - 1994 - 8% on Rotten Tomatoes 

Jolly rancher celery. Weird expanding water scorpion. I got STD’s from my bedsheets. Make a song about peanut butter. BROWNRUM. Alyssa Milano and the Amazing Technicolor Trench Coat. Bob Ross painted a little happy Satori. 90s ninja vibe.

Postal (2007) 7% on Rotten Tomatoes 

Drinks! Now with octopus legs. Julie Andrews was in a Nazi Show. Frothed with Podrick. The silk is just going to slide down his buttcheeks. Chris Christie is Kirby and he ate Jon Lovitz. Uwe Boll has convex teeth. Let’s do a David Lee Roth contest!

We discuss Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009, 5% on Rotten Tomatoes)

Drippy. Swear in on my Mom’s Pubis. Nuanced iguana. My piss is usually like orange juice. Thanks faraway  Chewbacca. Saloon at the Shootout, with Humphrey Bogart. Michael Clarke Duncan had testicles for triceps. Goop Bloodgood. Fuck this Nissan. Shitr is the new twitter.

We discuss this garbage movie a 4% on rotten tomatoes!

Mud, blood, and horse piss. He sanded her vagina when he came out. Don’t forget a nickel! National huge plumber day. Hey how do you like butter?  Sock salesman DJ Jazzy Jeff. Could you HAVE any less fingers?! Ray Liotta wears denture cream. Enya vines. Welcome back Mr. Savage. Ron Perlman could crush a coconut with his ape teeth. Lillard could disintegrate a penny in his mouth. Let’s sword fight without our hands...

 BloodRayne (2006) - 4% Rotten Tomatoes 

It’s like a haunted organ, but happy. David pumpkins dance. Sorry orphans! Do you think...real pepper is pepper? Sigh...night time emissions? Friar Tuck likes death metal. Michael Madsen kicks like a piece of garbage. Very fit Christian men are #CrossBros.

House of the Dead (2003) - Rotten Tomatoes 3%

I always feel sexy after I over eat. It’s the bus drivercast™ National Vitamin C the singer day. Breaker 1-9 I mean break her fingers. Little beans, little rice. Unc. Omfortable. Sister Zelda gives us chills. That’s how ya get a fish up your peehole. Spartacus: Blood and Tits. Longest battle scene ever. Mysterious endless gunpowder keg. Is Dracula Spanish?

Alone in the Dark(2005) - Rotten Tomatoes 1%

It's so greasy to my ears. It’s the bald eaglecast! My glass is stinky. Nicking knicknacks. I’m slick and round and you can’t stop me. Paul Blart, Museum Cop. My inner tongue is the real weapon. Scans for worms. Blood telepathy. a Nun was Bill Cosby. Stephen Dorff is good at swears.

...and widowers. Reek. Shitty version of a goose. He played checkers on my genitals. I pee out dollar bills. Page 2 of google/the deep dark web. This day in Florida Man. Take my gloves Wanker! Kickboxer on crack. Ass cleavage

Gregorian Calendarcast. Nap Grass. Mike ate a shit burrito. News that’s worth it. Brandon makes innuendos. My toaster is a sailboat. Does anyone know what jews harp is? Terry Boland.  Monkeys. There’s something wrong with the batter. what is Borscht. Edelweiss is a bracht. That room is RED.

Block and Tackle, Infantryman Greg, Freebassers™. Color gradient in cherry pie. Red fish 2 ply 1 fish 1 ply. Did Razor Ramon bleed tooth picks. Wowzemado? A whole wall of light brights is just an LED screen. Packets of caramel wads. Jackal!? Jackal?! Is it a Jackal?? Jackal! I googled “Muscle Figure” and saw a plastic balls’n’dick. Dik-Dik Van-Dik. Spaghettio faced Andre the Giant