The Open Nesters

We could have spoken to Jim for hours. And we will certainly have him back. Like many others, Jim Fleckenstein became a relationship coach and educator because of his own life experiences. After the end of his 25-year marriage in 2000, he put the skills he’d gained from his successful non-profit career and his insatiable curiosity to work on relationships. He created an educational nonprofit to foster new research into relationships. He also began a rigorous self-education process that included reaching out personally to leading researchers.

His efforts quickly bore fruit. His organization ultimately conducted five national conferences on relationships. He merged this organization into another, larger group in 2006 so as to continue his focus on self-education, scientific research, and helping people have successful relationships.

Jim was invited to co-present to a professional audience for the first time in 2002 at the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT). He has since been invited to present at seven more AASECT conferences, to the Eastern Region Conference of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, to the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, and to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. He was invited to contribute to the Continuum Complete International Encyclopedia of Sexuality in 2004. In 2015, he was lead author on his first published research paper in the peer-reviewed journal, Sexual and Relationship Therapy. This paper was selected to become a chapter in the 2015 book, Sexuality and Aging. He currently has a paper under review by The Archives of Sexual Behavior. Since 2016, he has been a member of the Editorial Board of The Journal of Positive Sexuality. In addition to his many professional presentations, Jim became a regular volunteer presenter at lay conferences, with nearly 20 appearances reaching hundreds.

Along the way, Jim developed a unique approach to relationships based on proven methods he encountered over his years of study. Ultimately, he formalized this approach as his Affirmative Intimacy™ method. He created The Earth Moved, LLC as a professional home for his coaching and educational efforts. His book, Love That Works: 38 Awesome Hacks for Amazing Relationshipscame out in December, 2019.

You can visit Jim at his website.

If you struggle with:

Then this is a book you’ll want to read!

Jim applies his Affirmative Intimacy ® approach to inspiring quotes from philosophers, clergy, therapists, musicians, authors, and gurus. Each is followed by a concrete action step.

LOVE THAT WORKS

We want to provide you with support and many many resources for your own Open Nesting Journey. Our resource page has so much to offer as does our private discussion group on Facebook about queerness and other topics of interest:

Open Nesters Resource Page

The Open Nesters Private Facebook Group

Planting Seeds

On parenting from Julie:

To me it’s seeding. Seeding in a garden. I’m planting seeds. There are seeds going in now. And they may not blossom for another couple of years.  I remember walking with my daughter and just talking about a boy that she liked. She was on the phone and her father got mad. And you know… this is normal. She was telling me about him. and I said he sounds like a such a sweetheart. Good for you for bringing in someone who is so kind.

Keep trusting that. Trust yourself. Trust your inner knowing. And if you don’t feel that way and there is someone who is not for you, trust that too.

I try to say it in moments when there is some kind of listening.

Julie Reisler is all about “following your inner wisdom.” She has so much advice that is so on target for parenting. More about our guest this week from Julie’s website:

It took polishing off two pounds of M&Ms in a 15-minute sitting, and getting sick for three whole days afterward, for me to realize that something major needed to be addressed in my life.

You see, I had been using food to cope with my emotions since I was a teenager. I gained and lost 40 pounds four different times.

Whenever I felt upset, afraid, worried, angry—you name it—I would eat to feel better and distract myself from what was really going on inside of me.

While I certainly had many shameful binge moments over the years, this one was crossing the line big time. And you know what? I’m grateful for it.

I’m so happy you’re here right now. You’re in quite a bit of uncertainty, with life as you’ve known it feeling turned around.

I am deeply committed to providing spiritual tools, guidance, sacred wisdom practices and a nourishing community so you can learn to access your own higher guidance for greater ease and confidence.

I have over ten years of experience as a master coach, intuitive empath, healer and guide. I can help you evolve through your heart into your best self.

You and I are in this together my sacred friend.

SACREDOLOGY

We want to provide you with support and many many resources for your own Open Nesting Journey. Our resource page has so much to offer as does our private discussion group on Facebook about queerness and other topics of interest:

Open Nesters Resource Page

The Open Nesters Private Facebook Group

We Want to Celebrate 20 Episodes!!

And we thought this would be an opportune moment to share some of our own observations about this journey. And an appraisal of the effect this podcast experience has had on us and thousands of others during the first 20 episodes. Just writing the words “20 episodes” delivers a small shock to the system. It seems like we just launched this thing and here we are on end edge of summer with 20 incredible shows “in the can.”

I [Tessa] put a list of topics on our “Off the Wall Studio” door (play space recording space in our basement… you’ll hear all about it on the pod). And we actually stay true to our vision and cover eight topics on this epic episode 20.

But wait… that is an empty list, Tessa and Amir.

Well – yes it is… and will be forever until you listen to the podcast. See how crafty we are? !!! But seriously, we would love it if you were to spend 35 minutes or so with us by listening to this special episode 20.

We were so inspired by the song and lyrics from Michael Jackson’s song, Off the Wall that we named our recording studio (and play space) the Off the Wall Studio.

So tonight

Does the acerbic wit of Bill Maher make you uncomfortable sometimes? I think the answer must be yes. And you can hear it in the response from his audience. They laugh and clap but can you hear their brains desperately trying to process while they clap? That’s because no-one is left unscarred when he points is laser-focus on you or a cause or person that you hold dear. And that makes this recent piece about Joe Biden and our culture’s elders all the more potent.

Please watch and listen and appreciate the truth in Bill Maher’s comments on ageism. He says it so forcefully that you may be taken aback. I hope there is something to take with you from this video. It certainly struck Amir and I when we watched it.

We want to provide you with support and many many resources for your own Open Nesting Journey. Our resource page has so much to offer as does our private discussion group on Facebook about queerness and other topics of interest:

Open Nesters Resource Page

The Open Nesters Private Facebook Group

From Across the Pond, Episode 19

Mr. and Mrs. H. are swingers. And they are charming. And sweet. And they are desperately in love… with each other.

Mr. and Mrs. H. were so much fun to meet on our podcast interview. They have their own podcast, in fact, called the Bed Hoppers… so they were certainly ready for Tessa and me.

We learned that even for those who communicate as well as Mr. and Mrs. H. do, a simple cuddle can be the cause of consternation. Yes… a cuddle. As you will hear in this episode sometimes intimacy that is not “intimacy” may lead to problems.

The adult children recognized that their parents were heading off every other weekend to meet people the kids did not know. And then… weighty suspenseful music… swingers cards were found by the kids. While the reactions of each of the two children was quite different, it was the fact that the parents were “sneaking around” that was the problem… not really the swinging.

A TV company in the UK got in touch with Mr. and Mrs. H. about a documentary they were doing on a swingers club. And so… Mr. and Mrs. H. decided to go on television to talk about the swinging community. The wanted to give their community a good name. They did not want “some idiots” representing the many people about which they had such a high opinion.

The TV show came out in August of 2020 and it was a pretty good representation of people and their journeys in that lifestyle. While it may have focused a bit much on the travails of the subjects vs. the joy of their journeys, in the end Mr. and Mrs. H. were pleased with that experience.

We want to provide you with support and many many resources for your own Open Nesting Journey. Our resource page has so much to offer as does our private discussion group on Facebook about queerness and other topics of interest:

Open Nesters Resource Page

The Open Nesters Private Facebook Group

Swingers Help

Bed Hoppers

Bed Hoppers on Twitter

If you find this concept of swinging intriguing, then I want to recommend a book for you:

Designer Relationships: Guide to Happy Monogamy, Positive Polyamory, and Optimistic Open Relationships by Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson

It Gets Passionate in Episode 18

Barbara Carrellas is a sex/life coach, sex educator, workshop facilitator, university lecturer, motivational speaker about queerness and other topics, and theater artist. She is the author of Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century, Ecstasy is Necessary: A Practical Guide to Sex, Relationships and Oh So Much More, and Luxurious Loving: Tantric Inspirations for Passion and Pleasure.

What a lot of people need to give up is penis and vagina sex as the only way to have sex. Give it up. That is one way to have sex out of thousands. In fact stop doing it. If it’s not fun stop doing it. You’ve probably done that for 30 years. You’re probably bored. Who wouldn’t be? !!

You can get high on your own life-force energy. Without anyone else in the room, even without touching yourself.

Often people over the age of 55 will say “the desire just isn’t there for sex.” I ask what does excite you? And that opens up the conversation. Finding enthusiasm for something gets you on the path toward other delights that can enrich your life.

Barbara is the founder of Urban Tantra® an approach to sacred sexuality that adapts and blends a wide variety of conscious sexuality practices from Queerness, to Tantra to BDSM—and the Urban Tantra® Professional Training Program—a comprehensive training program in the practice and application of conscious sexuality. She is also the co-founder of Erotic Awakening, a groundbreaking series of workshops which toured the United States and Australia. Barbara’s pioneering Urban Tantra® workshops were named best in New York City by TimeOut/New York magazine. In 2016 she was awarded a Sexual Freedom Award for Lifetime Achievement.

I [Tessa] studied Barbara during my work on a masters degree so I know a lot about her approach to sexuality. But I was so happy to hear Barbara talk through her past in the theatre world in New York during the time of HIV and Aids. This painful time had such impact on her and led her to begin to help others discover and rediscover the sex that make them go. While still working in the theatre Barbara left the U.S. for Australia for quite long periods of time to each erotica awakening workshops. And on one trip Barbara describes an aha moment of recognizing that helping people with their sexuality was in fact more important to her than the world that she had left in the theatre.

We had a detailed discussion about sex toys and uses for men and women. And it was so fun to talk about aging and how our bodies and minds evolve over time.

Barbara was super clear on her advice for us. If you are doing things they way you’ve always done them… then tomorrow get up and do something different. We aren’t meant to be automatons – our purpose is bigger than that.

Goals vs. Intentions. Goals are over rated in Barbara’s opinion. You either succeed of fail. Intentions can be fulfilled in dozens of ways. Let the universe help you fulfill you intentions that is most useful to you and the planet. This is gentler and a lot more fun.

Barbara has an urban tantra program in New York at the New York Open Center. It has ecstatic breath work, how to take an erotic risk… it is a four part workshop that runs every four weeks or so. And you can learn about Barbara’s work at barbaracarellas.com.

We want to provide you with support and many many resources for your own Open Nesting Journey. Our resource page has so much to offer as does our private discussion group on Facebook about queerness and other topics of interest:

Open Nesters Resource Page

The Open Nesters Private Facebook Group

Barbara enters an fMRI scanner to prove that Thinking Off, (also called an Energy Orgasm) is a real orgasm.

Barbara takes the audience at I Can Do It/New York to ecstasy church with her moving story about a life-changing ecstatic experience in the middle of the AIDS crisis. This is her full talk. It’s twenty minutes long.

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Tessa and Amir Shoot the Breeze with the Brilliant Carl Honoré in Episode 17

We had such a nice conversation with Carl about how we can slow down and get more out of life. How we can savor. How we can find time to do the things that we want to do.

Carl explained the “slow eating movement.” Lingering over a meal. He pointed out that the word “companion,” from the original Latin root, means “to break bread.” Re-capturing that joy of making food is something that he believes will be something that more will focus on in the future. His children have embraced that behavior with their culinary pursuits.

Carl has observed that as we age and get closer to death we start to live more. We want to make more of the time we have left.

Carl coined the phrase “the ageist industrial complex.” Aging can get you “written off from the boardroom to the bedroom.” Some what recently in our society we have broken off into “age silos” – which is contrary to all of human history.

“An in-demand spokesman on slowness.” The Wall Street Journal 

“The global guru on the Slow Movement.” Globe and Mail 

“The unofficial godfather of a growing cultural shift toward slowing down.” Huffington Post 

“The world’s leading evangelist for what has become known as the Slow Movement.” CBC Radio (Canada) 

“The godfather of the Slow Movement.” ABC News

I [Tessa] asked Carl about why we lower our ages on dating apps. Carl suggested that we are planting a not very healthy seed if we begin a relationship based on a lie. Carl suggested that maybe age is just not something that should be put in a profile. What defines you are the music you hear, what books you read, what stories you can tell. These are the things that matter so much more than age.

… they just box us in to the idea that aging is all decline and loss. The words we use matter.

If you are “showing your age” by knowing something that others do not – embrace that – it is not a source of shame!!!

Carl was so eloquent when he brought up the topic of leaving behind the things you no longer love so you can make room for something new.

Carl feels more closeness with his wife after the kids have moved out. He has tried not to helicopter on social media about his kids. He suggests it is healthier to have them come to you with their stories.

Carl and his son have carved out a new experience together through their love for Chelsea Football Club. They now watch Chelsea together – apart. They put the games on wherever they are and chat while jointly watching football.

Seek out Novelty

Amir shared a great anecdote about web development and WordPress… leaning how to build great blogs and web pages. Yes, it can be frustrated but he works his way through it and feels such a sense of accomplishment afterward.

You need to hear Carl yourself describe sex as we age. He is so articulate – it is very much worth a listen toward the end of the episode.

Carl has so many wonderful projects and programs and content to offer – you really deserve a visit to his website.

We want to provide you with support and many many resources for your own Open Nesting Journey. Our resource page has so much to offer as does our private discussion group on Facebook:

Open Nesters Resource Page

The Open Nesters Private Facebook Group

George Hood, of Naperville, Illinois, a former U.S. Marine and DEA Supervisory Special Agent, is once again the world’s top planker. He set the Guinness world record for the longest time spent holding the plank position for men.

62 Year Old Sets a World Record

Why honor this man? Listen to the episode.

Carl’s first book, In Praise of Slow, chronicles the global trend toward putting on the brakes in everything from work to food to parenting. The Financial Times said it is “to the Slow Movement what Das Kapital is to communism.”

Carl’s second book, Under Pressure explores how to raise and educate children in a fast world and was hailed by Time as a “gospel of the Slow Parenting movement.” 

Carl’s third book, The Slow Fix, explores how to tackle complex problems in every walk of life, from health and relationships to business and politics, without falling for superficial, short-term quick fixes.

Carl’s latest book, Bolder: Making The Most Of Our Longer Lives, explores ageing – how we can do it better and feel better about doing it. It’s a spirited manifesto against ageism.

Carl’s Books

Here is a link to Carl’s Ted Talk on Aging.

Watch Carl’s Ted Talk in praise of slowness.

In Episode 16 we meet Vicky Larson – “Living Apart Together”

“I knew I didn’t really want to get married again. I didn’t see a reason to marry again. But I certainly want a romantic partner. I am one of those kind of gals who enjoys that. But I don’t want him around 24/7.

I want him to have his own place. And that can be a duplex where he’s downstairs and I’m upstairs. It could be a big house where he has his own entire spot. Although that would be the least of the preferences. I just want to be able to have a space of my own, a room of my own (as Virginia Woolf would say) and we can come together when we want, in the way that we want.”

Professionally Vicki has spent a lot of time studying marriage and relationships. Vicki Larson is an author and has been an award-winning lifestyles editor, writer and columnist at the Marin IJ since 2004. She has worked as an editor in Santa Rosa, Petaluma, Walnut Creek, San Francisco, Napa and Miami.

On Twitter: @OMGchronicles. Email: [email protected] Website: OMG Chronicles

When she was 19, Vicki Larson somehow convinced her parents that she should spend the summer traveling cross-country with friends to gather stories to write the Great American Novel instead of working and saving money for college. She has yet to write that novel, but is incredibly honored and humbled nonetheless to have had a long, enjoyable career telling other people’s stories as a journalist.

A native New Yorker, Vicki is a divorced mom of two wonderful young men who happen to be taller than she is now so she’s a lot nicer to them. In addition to a being an award-winning reporter, columnist and editor at a San Francisco Bay Area newspaper, her writing can be found in The New York Times, The Guardian, Aeon, The Washington Post, Role Reboot, the Huffington Post, Divorce Force and the Good Men Project.

Her essays have appeared in the books “Nothing But the Truth So Help Me God: 73 Women on Life’s Transitions” and “Knowing Pains: Women on Love, Sex and Work in Our 40s,” a fundraiser for breast cancer. – Goodreads

We want to provide you with support and many many resources for your own Open Nesting Journey. Our resource page has so much to offer as does our private discussion group on Facebook:

Open Nesters Resource Page

The Open Nesters Private Facebook Group

If half of all cars bought in America each year broke down, there would be a national uproar. But when people suggest that maybe every single marriage doesn’t look like the next and isn’t meant to last until death, there’s nothing but a rash of proposed laws trying to force it to do just that.

The New I Do

Offering actual models of less-traditional marriages, including everything from a parenting marriage (intended for the sake of raising and nurturing children) to a comfort or safety marriage (where people marry for financial security or companionship), the book covers unique options for couples interested in forging their own paths.

With advice to help listeners decide what works for them, The New I Do acts as a guide to thinking outside the marital box and the framework for a new debate on marriage in the 21st century.

In Episode 15 we meet Linda and George

George and Linda each had very successful lives. But they were each pursuing their own business and projects somewhat separately. Linda thought of George as mostly business. Not creative. George was a pilot who was away a lot. He always said, “leaving was easy, coming home was hard.” Essentially they were living separate lives. And they had this idea that they might be able to do a business together.

They may battle over who’s idea it was, but they started to create “cooking occasions” which eventually led to this incredible business, Cook in Tuscany.

At Cook in Tuscany (as featured on NBC, CBS, Fox and ABC) we invite you to join us at La Chiusa in our medieval hill top village for a week of cooking and consuming delicious meals where the women of the village are masters of traditional rustic Italian cooking.  It is their art. They will endear you with their skills and laughter in the kitchen. Our teachers use the same recipes their grandmothers, or “Nonnas” as we say in Italy, used. This is a unique experience; nothing has changed for generations, this is the way women in Tuscany have cooked for hundreds of years. It is truly magical to see Tuscan women cook!

Experience Tuscany and learn the basics of Tuscan cooking, stroll the narrow cobblestone streets of the medieval villages, shop at the city markets, cook with the local women, listen as the church bells ring, wander the gardens as you sip Vin Santo wine while you discover each view is better than the last.  This is the bucket-list trip you have dreamed of!

We want to provide you with support and many many resources for your own Open Nesting Journey. Our resource page has so much to offer as does our private discussion group on Facebook:

Open Nesters Resource Page

The Open Nesters Private Facebook Group

Our classes are designed to impart the real flavor of Tuscan cuisine. If you’re looking for professional chefs, you won’t find them here. You will not find any chefs in tall white hats, or electric appliances in our kitchens, no fancy blenders, and there are no food processors used; everything is done by hand. Our cooking school is based on local cooking. We go to the real source of the cooking traditions. Our classes are taught by local Tuscan women. The mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and wives who know what real traditional Tuscan cooking is all about. The kitchen is busy with wooden spoons and women who look and act like a distant family member. Each woman teaches and entertains differently; each is unforgettable.

Local Cooking Classes

In Episode 14 we Meet Kitty Chambliss from Loving without Boundaries.

[Tessa] – Kitty is a coach, podcast host, and author. And let me tell you… simply an amazing woman! Her Loving Without Boundaries has been big inspiration to Amir and me. Kitty interviewed us many months ago just as we were launching our podcast. And I am so thankful for the work that she does, the path that Kitty has paved that has greatly enhanced our work with this Open Nesters Podcast.

A “recovering Catholic” Kitty supports losing the shame and guilt that you may have attached to sex from your upbringing.

I love how Kitty emphasizes each individual’s opportunity to speak their own truth. She shares some very interesting facts about the many people who have decided to pursue an open relationship. She says that this all starts with one’s own value system. What are your “cherished needs.” Once you understand these things about yourself you can begin to live your own authentic life. And if you ever schedule a consultation with Kitty ask her to describe her “Ninja Communication Tools” to help you have a beautiful meaningful conversation with your partner, vs. a drop down drag out fight.

We cover so much ground in this expansive conversation. It is my hope that through this podcast, and Kitty’s wonderful work, you may be able to express compersion (see definition below) in your relationships someday.

Kitty takes us through the things that bring out jealousy in us. These present challenges for most of us when it comes to the people we care deeply about.

A feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship. Compersion can be thought of as a positive emotional reaction to a loved one’s other relationship. The term was coined by the Kerista Commune. [Source: Urban Dictionary]

We want to provide you with support and many many resources for your own Open Nesting Journey. Our resource page has so much to offer as does our private discussion group on Facebook:

Open Nesters Resource Page

The Open Nesters Private Facebook Group

Jealousy can have an enormous impact on some people, so it is no surprise that people (especially those who practice consensual non-monogamy) think, talk, and write about it quite a bit. In “Jealousy Survival Guide”, Kitty Chambliss does the homework for you and collects the best tidbits on life and emotions to give you inspiration and provide tools to gain and practice new skills. Combining her own life experience with these pearls of wisdom, Kitty focuses on jealousy in consensually non-monogamous relationships, what it is, how it expresses, and specific ways to manage it. Kitty’s frank discussion of her own struggles with jealousy and focus on specific skills and techniques — without a shred of blame — makes “Jealousy Survival Guide” a delightfully useful read for anyone struggling with jealousy or consensually non-monogamous relationships and polyamory.

Jealousy Survival Guide Book

Is polyamory for you? Isn’t that a loaded question! Kitty Chambliss has given us a tool to help us find out if this is focus with her “Polyamory Quiz.” Click here to find out if this open lifestyle might be for you. The Polyamory Quiz.

In this Episode 13 we meet Ashton Applewhite.

As we become “age-full” we can be present, and curious, and open-minded and explore again – like we did when we were children. So says our guest, Ashton Applewhite. I (Tessa) am a big fan of Ashton’s thinking on the concept of “agelessness.” To me this idea strips us of our years… and we are left with ourselves.

Ashton discusses the concept that was recently announced in the Northeast USA… called “Ageless New York.” In fact Ashton has a full chapter in her book about agelessness. She say that “agelessness tends to minimize the differences which contribute to our lives in all sorts of ways.” Ashton believes we should embrace and celebrate these differences, as they make us special.

Ashton has a lot to say about the idea of a “generation.” She says there is more diversity in a group of people that we would think of as homogeneous than there is between what we would call disparate groups. The idea of a generation pits us against each other.

Intergenerational Conflict: Ashton says there is no evidence of intergenerational conflict. No evidence that “old people don’t care about young people, and young people want to throw old people to the wolves.” Most us inhabit the middle ground. In fact the World Health Organization just launched a global program to combat ageism.

Ageism is stereotyping and discrimination on the basis of a person’s age. We experience it any time someone assumes that we’re “too old” for something—a task, a haircut, a relationship—instead of finding out who we are and what we’re capable of. Or “too young;” ageism cuts both ways, although in a youth-obsessed society olders bear the brunt of it. Click the pic here to visit Ashton’s page on ageism.

Ashton Defines Ageism

We want to provide you with support and many many resources for your own Open Nesting Journey. Our resource page has so much to offer as does our private discussion group on Facebook:

Open Nesters Resource Page

The Open Nesters Private Facebook Group

People are happiest at the beginnings and the ends of their lives. Only 2.5% of Americans over 65 live in nursing homes. Older people enjoy better mental health than the young or middle-aged. Dementia rates are falling, fast. So how come so many of us unthinkingly assume that depression, diapers, and dementia lie ahead? That the 20th century’s astonishing leap in life expectancy is a disaster-in-the making? Underlying all the hand-wringing is ageism: discrimination that sidelines and silences older people. So I’ve written a book. I blog about it. I led the team that developed Old School, a clearinghouse of anti-ageism resources. I am the voice of Yo, Is This Ageist? (Go ahead, ask me.) I’ve written a consciousness-raising booklet. And I speak widely. All tools to help catalyze a movement to make discrimination on the basis of age as unacceptable as any other kind.

This Chair Rocks

Once you finish my wonderful interview with Ashton, check out her Ted Talk: Let’s End Ageism