All of the background actors in this podcast are making way too much money for an audio-only podcast and they use my bathroom too much. I need to make better decisions.

I was distracted during this episode by a cartoon thought bubble that appeared over my head containing disturbing images of me successfully dropping anvils on the Road Runner. I swear those weren't my thoughts... I don't understand why I saw those things... I'm shaking...

This episode is gluten free, which means I’m free to put gluten in it if I want. And I did.

Yeah this is a self-help podcast alright… you can “help” your “self” to this week’s episode or whatever you weirdos are doing with these.

This episode weighs in at a pound and a half so it will make your phone unbearably heavy if you're one of those people with heavy-ass phone cases. You know who you are. I see you.

If everyone who listens to the podcast gave me $100 it would end all death on earth in perpetuity. Why would I lie about this?

This episode would have brought down the Berlin Wall if Gorbachev hadn't beat me to the punch. Could have waited to let me have a go at it.

If this were olden times I'd trade you this podcast episode for three beans. They'd call this episode a three-beaner.

They're just letting anyone have a podcast these days. It shouldn’t be this easy. You should at least have to fill out forms at the post office or something first.

You know what they say: you can't spell podcast without p, o, d, c, a, s and t. I've tried. It's futile.