This podcast is covered in tear stains as we bid farewell to Aragog, king of arachnids. But before we get to that, there's plenty of time to brew up something amusing, though hopefully not a curdled purple dumpling. And don't worry, this episode is safe to listen to - we had a house elf test it for you (but please don't tell SPEW).

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The boy so solid he cannot Apparate half an inch across a room takes advantage of some extra practice sessions in Hogsmeade, while Harry continues to obsess over Malfoy and a very pretty girl who is standing guard over the Room of Requirement. Most importantly, Alice and Martha discuss a very promising fan theory about Tonks's true identity. God, we've all been stupid!

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Two new queens have entered the scene, and they come in the form of a melting iced cake and the oldest house elf in the world. In other words, we'd be glad to see anything Miss Hepzibah has to show us, and we've never been more in sympathy with SPEW. Get ready for some master manipulation this chapter, as Tom Riddle charms Zacharias's great-great-something and Dumbledore plays puppet master to just about everyone else.

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Spoiler warning! Please be aware that our show contains spoilers for events which take place later in the series.

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Ron spends some time recovering in the hospital wing, avoiding Lavender, and leaning into his true feelings for Er-my-nee. Harry spends his time obsessing over Malfoy, avoiding Lavender (and Cormac), and jumping to conclusions about Sn-I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID THAT. And like McLaggen's Bludger does with Harry's head, worlds collide as Peeves, Dobby, and Kreacher (and Martha's impressions of them) all find themselves in the same room.

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Spoiler warning! Please be aware that our show contains spoilers for events which take place later in the series.

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Two real weirdos are back to talk about tales of elves — all 399 of them! That number is certainly significant, though not quite as significant as this chapter’s opening words: so, all in all. Wow. Brilliant. Really brilliant. You may be surprised by this week’s real weirdo and chapter ranking, but nothing is as surprising as the shock of finding out that “it’s locked!”

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Spoiler warning! Please be aware that our show contains spoilers for events which take place later in the series.

Book club episodes are released every Monday and special topics shows are released periodically. Subscribe to our show to make sure you never miss an episode!

No shortcuts or cheats are going to help Harry during the most challenging Potions lesson of the year so far, so he resorts to sheer cheek--oh, he is his mother's son! The sixth years begin Apparition lessons, though Harry's not really fussed; after all, he prefers brooms. Ron gets a seriously good haul for his birthday, but he also gets--as the title of the chapter suggests--a few surprises.

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Spoiler warning! Please be aware that our show contains spoilers for events which take place later in the series.

Book club episodes are released every Monday and special topics shows are released periodically. Subscribe to our show to make sure you never miss an episode!

Harry and the gang return to Hogwarts via the Floo Network, and are sure not to get any ash on the carpet. In the fallout of the Fat Lady's overindulgence over the holidays, Alice and Martha finally figure out the true meaning behind some of Lupin's most enigmatic words. And finally, Slughorn does a very convincing job of covering up his darkest memory.

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Spoiler warning! Please be aware that our show contains spoilers for events which take place later in the series.

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It's Christmas at the Burrow, and everyone is celebrating (except the poor garden gnome being held hostage on the top of the tree). The Weasley family listens to Celestina Warbeck's marvelous tunes, with varying degrees of enthusiasm, and Harry takes the opportunity to catch up with his buddy Arthur and wise old Professor Lupin, whom we neither like nor dislike this chapter. Finally, Scrimgeour should watch out, because this young man may have finished his meal, but he's about to have Minister of Magic for dessert.

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Spoiler warning! Please be aware that our show contains spoilers for events which take place later in the series.

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Slughorn's Christmas party has everything we could ever ask for, from a real vampire (though sadly, it's not Rufus Scrimgeour), to a Weird Sisters sighting. Harry spends the night dodging all his least favorite people, and the Queen Slug stoops to astonishing lows when she invites the King Slug to be her date. It's a relatively short chapter, but there's still plenty of time for Ron to be a jerk, for Luna to inform everyone about the Rotfang Conspiracy and for Harry to obsess over Malfoy's late night wanderings.

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Awkward teenage romance features heavily in this chapter, which clearly served as the main inspiration for the makers of the sixth movie. Ron's insecurities both on and off the Quidditch pitch lead to some very unfair and frustrating interactions with Hermione (though it was pretty awful that she probably/might have/could plausibly have snogged Krum two years ago). And as Harry grapples with his purely elder brotherly feelings toward Ginny, we are introduced to a new character who is very emotionally mature: the monster inside his chest.

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Spoiler warning! Please be aware that our show contains spoilers for events which take place later in the series.

Book club episodes are released every Monday and special topics shows are released periodically. Subscribe to our show to make sure you never miss an episode!