The Redeemed Marriage Podcast

This week, we're talking about one of the most difficult parts of healing after betrayal: learning to forgive yourself. A question we recently received from a listener reminded us just how many people struggle with the guilt and shame of their past decisions.

We know firsthand how easy it is to get stuck in the mistakes of our past and allow guilt and shame to keep us from moving forward. But how do we begin to forgive ourselves when we can't change what we've done?

In this episode, we share from our own experiences, talk about how the enemy uses guilt and shame to keep us stuck, and discuss what it looks like to accept God's grace and begin walking in the freedom He offers.

If you're struggling to forgive yourself, we hope this conversation reminds you that your past doesn't have to define your future and that God's grace is bigger than your greatest mistake.

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We’re back from an incredible week in Montana where we had the opportunity to spend time with four couples at our Redeemed Marriage retreat. And once again, we were reminded of something we see all the time in marriage: so many couples are struggling with things they believe no one else would understand.

It’s easy to look around and assume everyone else is doing better than you are. So we keep things hidden. We put on a good face, protect our reputation, and convince ourselves that no one needs to know what is really happening behind closed doors. But the longer we hide, the more isolated we become.

In this episode, we talk about the loneliness that can exist inside a marriage and why healing often requires letting other people in. You don’t have to tell everyone everything, but you do need safe people who know the real story. Because one of the most freeing things you can discover in a difficult season of marriage is that you’re not the only one.

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We’re back with Part 2 of our 30 Years, 30 Lessons series, sharing more of the things three decades of marriage have taught us along the way.

Just like last week, these aren’t perfectly packaged marriage principles. They’re lessons we’ve learned by actually living them, and some of them we definitely learned the hard way. We talk about admitting when you’re wrong, why adding “but” to an apology usually ruins it, learning to respect your spouse’s feelings even when you don’t understand them, and what resentment and keeping score can slowly do to a marriage.

We also get into some of the deeper lessons our own story has taught us about boundaries, forgiveness, rebuilding trust, communication, and walking through the different seasons of marriage together.

Thirty years hasn’t taught us how to have a perfect marriage. But it has taught us a lot about grace, growth, choosing each other, and continuing to show up even when marriage gets hard.

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After 30 years of marriage, we’ve learned a few things along the way—some the easy way and plenty the hard way.

In this first episode of a two-part series, we’re sharing 30 lessons from our 30 years of marriage. We talk about expectations, why keeping score never works, learning to accept the ways your spouse is different from you, the importance of our words and affection, and why being right isn’t nearly as important as we sometimes think it is.

These aren’t lessons we learned from a marriage book or a class. They’ve come from actually living life together for three decades—the good seasons, the hard seasons, the mistakes, the laughter, and everything in between.

We definitely don’t have marriage figured out, but after 30 years, there are some things we know now that we wish we had understood a whole lot earlier.

This is Part 1 of 30 Years, 30 Lessons.

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How long should you keep talking about a betrayal after it’s over? At some point, are you supposed to stop bringing it up and move on?

In this episode, we talk about something we’re still learning 15 years into our own story. For the betrayed spouse, the memories and pain of betrayal don’t just disappear. Sometimes talking about it isn’t about trying to punish your spouse or make them fix something. It’s simply wanting reassurance that they haven’t forgotten what you went through and that they still understand why certain things hurt.

But there’s another side to the conversation too. The spouse who was unfaithful may not think about the affair nearly as often, and when they do, what surfaces may be shame, guilt, and regret. Those feelings matter too, even though they can sometimes feel difficult or even unfair to talk about.

We share some of what we’ve learned from our own marriage and the conversations we continue to have about betrayal, reassurance, shame, vulnerability, and healing. Maybe the goal isn’t to finally reach a point where you never talk about the affair again. Maybe the goal is learning how to talk about it in a way that brings you closer instead of keeping you stuck.

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College football is back—and if you know us, you know that’s a pretty big deal in our house! But what happens when the thing you love isn’t something your spouse cares about at all?

This week, we’re talking about how to handle different interests in marriage. Whether it’s football, hunting, golf, shopping, TV shows, travel, or something else, we don’t have to love all the same things to have a great marriage. But we do believe there’s something powerful about taking an interest in what makes your spouse light up.

We share a little about how we’ve learned this in our own marriage, what we’re discovering now that we’re empty nesters, and why giving each other freedom to enjoy separate interests is just as important as finding things we genuinely enjoy together. We also talk about compromise, avoiding resentment, and why friendship really does matter so much in a healthy marriage.

And yes, there’s plenty of football talk along the way—including what our new daughter-in-law has taught us about loving what somebody else loves simply because you love them.

You don’t have to share every hobby. You don’t have to spend every free minute together. But you can choose to step into your spouse’s world—and sometimes that small step can make a much bigger difference than you realize.

Learn more about The Redeemed Marriage at https://www.theredeemedmarriage.com

And be sure to visit our YouTube channel to watch our latest videos—including our Coach’s Film Room football parody about getting your marriage ready for game day: https://www.youtube.com/@TheRedeemedMarriage

There are three dates we talk about often in our story: August 23, when Heather confessed. August 26, when everything became public. And September 2, when something finally changed inside of her.

In this episode, we talk about those ten days between confession and what we now recognize as true brokenness. What does it actually mean to be broken over your sin? How is that different from being sorry, ashamed, or simply wanting the consequences to go away? And what finally changed for Heather when she stopped trying to control the outcome and completely surrendered to God?

We also talk about Rusty’s role during those early days and why encouragement matters when you begin to see real change in your spouse. Restoration didn’t happen for us in ten days, and it certainly didn’t happen overnight. What began during those ten days has become a 15-year journey of surrender, obedience, healing, and God continuing to change both of us.

If you’re praying for your spouse to change—or you’re the one desperately wanting to change but wondering why you keep falling back into the same patterns—we hope our story reminds you that real transformation is possible. God is still in the business of redeeming broken things.

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August 23, 2011, is a date we will never forget.

It was the night Heather confessed her affair, and in a matter of moments, everything about our marriage and our future seemed to change. For years afterward, August 23 carried a weight of its own. As the date approached, the memories would come back: the conversation, the shock, the pain, and the days that followed.

But today, 15 years later, August 23 doesn't feel the same.

In this episode, we talk honestly about what those early anniversaries were like, how we learned to communicate about the emotions surrounding this date, and why we eventually decided we weren't going to allow one painful day on the calendar to continue having power over our marriage.

We can't change what happened on August 23, 2011. But God has completely changed what that date means to us.

What was once a reminder of betrayal has become a reminder of redemption. What once represented everything that was broken now reminds us of everything God has restored.

If you have a date on the calendar that still carries pain—a discovery day, a confession, an anniversary, or simply a day you wish you could forget—we hope our story reminds you that the way that date feels today doesn't have to be the way it feels forever.

Healing is possible. Redemption is possible. And the darkest chapter of your story does not have to be the final one.

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As we get closer to the 15th anniversary of Heather’s confession, we’ve been thinking about a question we’re not sure we’ve ever really talked about before:

What would our marriage look like today if the affair had never happened?

It’s a strange question, because obviously we would never wish for the pain, betrayal, and brokenness that came with that season. But we also know what God has done in our marriage through it.

We honestly believe we would probably still be married today. We were both committed to marriage and probably would have stayed together no matter what. But we’re not sure we would have been happy. We may have spent the rest of our lives being good roommates, raising our kids, going to church, doing all the right things on the outside, while never really dealing with what was happening underneath the surface.

The affair forced everything into the light.

In this episode, we talk about some of the things we can see now that we couldn’t see then. Heather shares how much of her focus in marriage had become about what Rusty could do for her and how God began teaching her to serve differently. Rusty talks about realizing that even some of the “good husband” things he was doing were tied to insecurity and wanting affirmation.

Now, 15 years later and entering the empty-nest years, one of the things we’re most grateful for is pretty simple: we genuinely like being together.

We hate what happened after 15 years of marriage. But we’re incredibly grateful that God didn’t waste it. He used the hardest season of our lives to expose what was broken, strip away the masks, and teach us what it looks like to actually know…and be known by…each other.

If your marriage looks fine on the outside but you know there’s distance underneath, we hope this conversation challenges you not to wait for a crisis before you go deeper.

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Can You Affair-Proof Your Marriage?

Is it actually possible to affair-proof your marriage?

We know better than most that no marriage is completely immune to temptation or failure. After all, Adam and Eve lived in a perfect world and still found a way to mess things up. But we also believe there are things we can do to protect our marriages and make it much harder for the enemy to gain a foothold.

In this episode, we talk about some of the things we believe matter most, beginning with our individual relationships with the Lord. Heather shares honestly about what happened in her own life before the affair and how it wasn't one huge decision that suddenly took her somewhere she never expected to go. It was a series of small compromises. Little decisions that didn't seem "that bad." Moments when she heard the Holy Spirit prompting her and chose not to listen.

Over time, those small compromises became much bigger ones.

We also talk about why we believe so strongly in boundaries, including some that other people may think are extreme. For us, boundaries aren't about living scared that something might happen. They're about protecting something that is incredibly valuable to us.

And protecting your marriage is about more than avoiding an affair. We talk about communication, serving one another, physical intimacy, and continuing to build the kind of connection that makes your marriage healthy and strong.

We can't promise that following a list of rules will guarantee that your marriage will never experience betrayal. But we do believe there are things you can intentionally do to guard your heart, protect your marriage, and build the kind of relationship you both want.

We learned some of these lessons the hard way. Our hope is that maybe you won't have to.

Visit The Redeemed Marriage: https://www.theredeemedmarriage.com

Watch The Redeemed Marriage on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheRedeemedMarriage