The Save The Marriage Podcast

There are some questions that can help a marriage.  There are many thoughts that can improve your relationship.

But there is one question that will suck the life right out of a marriage.  And it is a question you don't even need to ask another person, in order to do the damage.

In fact, another person won't make a difference for this question.  It is a question lurking within you.

Oh, and did I mention that another question, similar to this question -- but very different in direction -- can help restore a relationship?

Change the question, change the frame.  Get stuck on the question, get stuck in a downward spiral.  It's up to you. . . once you know the question.

Which one are you asking?

(Need some help with your marriage?  Grab my Save The Marriage System RIGHT HERE.)

Do you find yourself and/or your spouse anchored to a problem by anxiety or anger?  Guess what? Anger and Anxiety -- they come from the same space!  One is the inner, the other is the outer expression of fear/hurt/threat.

And wow, can it ever anchor both of you to the problems -- keeping you from moving to solution.

Why does the Anxiety-Anger become an anchor?

How do you cut the line and get back on-track to healing your marriage?

Listen to today's podcast to learn more on releasing the Anxiety-Anger Anchor.

RELATED RESOURCE:

Anger and Resentment

Why You Need A Plan

The Save The Marriage System

Since my book, Thrive Principles, came out, people have asked me why I shifted my focus from saving marriages to thriving.  In reality, there is no shift. My System on saving a marriage is the same path to having a thriving marriage. In fact, my focus from the beginning was on how to have a thriving life in all areas of living -- including in marriage.

Which means that there are many cross-over points between how we thrive and how we save a marriage.

In this week's Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss three anchors of Thrive Principles that can help you address the issues in your marriage.

These three principles can help you save your marriage. Just remember the acronym, ARC.

Acceptance

Responsibility

Control

Use these three principles as you work to save your marriage.

RELATED RESOURCE:

Control

Responsibility

Thrive Principles

Save The Marriage System

Sometimes, people tell me that as they are trying to save their marriage, they actually feel like they are trying to earn back the love of a spouse.  They want to know if that is what it really is -- earning back the love (and even trust).

The short answer is NO, that is not the goal.

A slightly longer answer is that if you are working to earn back love, you are also working on building a unsustainable and not-very-healthy relationship.

That is my topic for this week's Save The Marriage Podcast:  why you are NOT trying to earn back your spouse's love, why that approach is problematic, AND what to do instead.

Your marriage can be saved.  But not by trying to earn back your spouse's love.

Can the love return to your marriage?  Absolutely.

But that doesn't mean it is the goal of the process.

(Love isn't earned.  It is given.)

RESOURCES

Connection and Marriage

Building A WE

Forgiveness and Marriage

Save The Marriage System

It may be an odd preoccupation, but I pour over the scuba accident reports.  I like to see how the accidents happened, what led to the accident, and how it might have been prevented.

The same approach is taken to studying scuba accidents as is applied to airline accident and medical accidents.  And it should be applied to marriage crises.

There's a theory of accidents in systems that is called the "Swiss Cheese Theory of Accidents."  Another description would be "multiple causations in spite of prevention systems."  Imagine a bunch of slices of swiss cheese.  Usually, a slice with holes in it won't line the holes up with another slice.  If you stack them together, there are no holes all the way through the stack.

But if the holes line up, something could pass right through.  Something like an accident.

In scuba, aviation, medical, and industrial fields, there are multiple checks and balances in place (slices of cheese) to keep an accident from happening.

Marriages also have these safety zones:  love, priorities, attention, affection, boundaries, communication, etc.  The bigger the hole in each system, the bigger the chance that the holes match up.  And the bigger the chance of a marriage crisis.

To put it simply, there are multiple causations that go into a marriage crisis.  To go a bit deeper, listen to my podcast below.

RELATED RESOURCES

Another Podcast On This Theory

Importance of Connection

Importance of Boundaries

System To Save Your Marriage

It happens.  In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity.  A spouse negative about the marriage.  Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage.  You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt).

Negativity comes from several sources:  fear, protectiveness, anger, resentment, lack of understanding, and lack of clarity.

Regardless of the source, you may find yourself reacting poorly -- negatively impacting your capacity to save and improve your marriage.

Is there another alternative?

You bet there is!

I would suggest four ways to respond that can change the outcome.  Listen to the podcast for the four ways you can respond differently to the negativity, making sure that you don't catch it yourself.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:

You Need A Plan

Dealing With Your Resentment

Dealing With Your Spouse's Resentment

Grab The Save The Marriage System

I get asked this on a regular basis, both from people who are in the middle of wanting to save their marriage, and those who are wanting to leave.  This is what I get asked:  "What does it matter if we save it or not?"

In this episode, I cover some of the negative impacts that come with ending a marriage. Not to scare, but to clarify.

Why clarify? Because when we are in pain, we tend to look for a way away from the pain. We tend to not think about those longer term effects. And then, we find ourselves in unexpected problems.

In a future episode, I'll cover what saving a marriage could be, and why that is important.

RELATED RESOURCE:

The Save The Marriage System

Slowly, slowly... you are making progress!  You keep working on turning your marriage around... and it is working!

Maybe you think it isn't moving fast enough.  Or maybe you have just been holding all of those emotions, fears, and hurts, in... and they start to grow.  You can feel it!

But you try hard not to let it out.  To keep on moving forward.  To keep on making connections.

Until...

Maybe it was something small...

Maybe it was yet one more little thing (or even a medium thing... maybe even a big thing!)...

And BOOM!  You blow up!

You use a tone you wish you hadn't.  You say things you wish you hadn't.  You do things you wish you hadn't.

BLOW UP!

... and then it passes.

But the damage is done.

Your efforts can feel like they have been in vain.

So, let's talk about what to do BEFORE the blow-up!  It is much easier to stay ahead of the problem than to catch up and rebuild after the problem.

Listen to this week's podcast episode below.

RELATED RESOURCES

Too Late?

Making Up For Mistakes And Backslides

Responsibility

Showing Up

Save The Marriage System

You may just be on a fishing expedition, and not even realize it!

If you are trying to get your spouse to respond, trying to get some feedback from your spouse, you are on a fishing expedition!

You probably won't attract what you want.  And you may scare away what you most want to attract.

Do you think you might be on a "fishing expedition"?  Listen in to this week's podcast and see if you are fishing. . . and what to do if you ARE!

RELATED RESOURCE:

Gary Chapman Interview

Save The Marriage System

Today, I tackle a pretty sensitive subject:  the difference between "Doing The Right Thing" and "Doing It Right."

Let me be very clear:  I believe that working to save your marriage is heroic work.  It is pretty counter-cultural in our world of "throw away."  We do it with stuff and relationships.  

I also believe that working on saving a marriage is courageous.  It's pretty scary to be in the middle of a crisis, and to CHOOSE to work on the relationship.  That is the definition of courage -- feeling fear, and choosing to act, anyway.

Sometimes, I watch people who want to do the right thing, but they don't do it the right way.  "No Contact Rule," Reverse Psychology, hypnosis, spells. . . you name it, I see people try it.

And I watch their efforts fail.  Their desire to change things is absolutely there.  But the approach is in trouble.  It kind of reminds me of deciding to diet, then choosing an ice-cream diet.  Probably not going to get the results you want (although it does sound delicious).

Starting with the best of intentions is a great beginning point.  But it has to be followed with an approach that works.

Let's talk about Doing The Right Thing, AND Doing It The Right Way.

 

RELATED RESOURCES

No Contact Rule Is Crap

So Is Reverse Psychology

And Shortcuts Aren't

And "Try Anything" Fails

But This System Works