“It’s your choice,” I reassured her.  It was a call I picked up between sessions.  The person told me she had been following my System, but wasn’t sure if she could keep it up.  She wasn’t sure if it mattered, so she was thinking about quitting.  She wanted to know what I thought….

I didn’t need to convince her either way.  It really was her choice.  Should she walk away or should she keep working on it?  Only she could answer.

My concern was what seemed to be fueling her decision.  She was discouraged. (Which is an interesting word, denoting she had lost courage… and she was coming to me to be encouraged — to gain courage — to act one way or the other.)

To be fair, the process of saving your marriage is emotional, heart-wrenching, painful, frustrating, and exhausting… before it turns the corner.  Is it worth it?

That was her choice.  The Choice.  To work on it or to walk away.

Maybe it is all just getting to people this week… winter keeps on coming, crises seem to be everywhere, politics is unavoidable… and then there is that marriage crisis!

Navigating all of that, staying afloat, and continuing to push forward is just tough.

Which leads to the choice.  Work on it or walk away?

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I wish this only happened every now and then.

Imagine, for a second, that someone is working on saving their marriage.  In this case, they have chosen  to use my System.  And they are making progress! (Yay!)

Then... they decide to do something else... add something on... try to "spice up" their approach.  And suddenly, their efforts fall apart.

The other day, I was talking with someone who falls into this approach.  Making great progress using my material.  Then losing all progress when they added on some more "save your marriage" stuff they found on the internet.

"I guess your approach doesn't work," this person said.  I pointed out that my approach was, in fact, working... until they stopped using it and went with pretty much the exact opposite of what I recommend.

No surprise, but their spouse was confused.  And this person said, "I don't get it!  It was supposed to save my marriage!"

I asked, "Did you 'look under the hood' to see what was behind that approach?  Did you wonder if it is compatible with what you were already doing?"  I knew the answer before I asked, and I could tell I was correct from the confused "umm... I... well... uh... what do you mean?" that I heard back.

Let me be the first to say, there is some great information out there on saving your marriage.

And there is also a lot of steaming piles of 💩 out there!  But when someone is desperate to save their marriage, it is sometimes tempting to jump onto some "great idea" out there.  But that isn't a great approach... if you want to be successful.

You have to manage that mess... or "Gatekeep" what is coming your way.  And that is what we talk about on this week's episode.  I discuss what works and what doesn't, how to distinguish between them, and how to gatekeep yourself, so that you save your marriage!

Listen below.

 

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One more argument.  One more struggle.  They sat on my couch, facing each other down as opponents in some contest to... win... well, to be honest, I don't know what they were trying to win.  Because they were not winning at marriage!

I stopped them, looked at them and said, "You do know you are on the same team..." and they stared blankly at me, so I continued, "... right??"

They certainly were not working like a team.  They were acting like enemies, in competition with each other.  They were struggling to win.  But either one "winning" would be a "lose" for the marriage.

Too many people miss this one essential -- crucial -- fact about marriage... you both are on the same team.  You are working toward a common goal (or should be).  The task is not winning as an individual, but as a team, as a couple, as a family.

This is the fundamental point of being what I call a "WE."  WE are in this together; WE stand side-by-side; WE have each other's back; WE are a team!  Same side, same direction (or should be).

Listen to this episode for how to get on the same team!

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Fears. They can certainly derail us humans!

But what about relationship fears?  Just those basic fears and insecurities that we all carry with us in relationships?

Yep, we all have them.  2 basic fears.  And those 2 fears?  They pull against each other.  One can trigger the other in couples.  We all have both, but tend to have a tendency to one fear or the other.  And when that fear is triggered, it often triggers the opposite fear in a spouse.

Which, by the way, increases the fear in the other.

Those two fears?

Fear of Intimacy

Fear of Abandonment

Let's talk about what those fears are about, why we have them, what triggers them, and why it becomes such an issue in marriage.

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Games should be fun.  But the games we are talking about today are NOT fun.

These are patterns of interaction and communication.

The design is to get a need met.  But behind it is a dysfunction.  It may be a lack of clarity in what someone wants or expects.  It may be an unwillingness to say what a person wants or needs.  It may be a false expectation of how things should be.  But somewhere is a false belief.

And that false belief -- along with the effort to fulfill that belief -- is what leads to the (destructive) game.

Are you playing one of these games?

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Is your marriage crisis marked by heated arguments or cold distance?  Hot or cold?

Are they really that different?  Or is it all a part of the same process?  And how does it affect your attempts to save your marriage?

During back-to-back coaching sessions with two couples, I had a case of each.  In the first, both were practically red-faced with anger, talking over each other and refusing to listen.

In the second session, the couple were cold and distant, refusing to engage with each other, routing all discussions through me.  Both refused to listen to the other.

The underlying issues were the same.  The emotional temperature was different.  Each couple had set their “emotional thermostat” to a different level.  And neither couple seemed interested in changing the setting.

What is the difference between the heat and the cold?  How does it affect your efforts to save your marriage?  Is it possible that both the heat and the cold are actually pointing toward the same process?  The same path?

We explore the difference between hot and cold crises and what to do to turn it around in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

Listen below.

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Maybe your spouse has been saying, "This is ALL YOUR FAULT!"  Or maybe it is just you... wondering... torturing yourself... about whether this marriage crisis is your fault.  Are you the problem?

Let me reassure you that you are not the first person to wonder that.  People search about that on my blog.  People write me to ask that same question.  Many people start our coaching sessions with the same question.

So, what is the truth? Are you the problem?  Did you cause the problem?  Does that even help the problem?

Many times, people like to look at one single point-in-time... frequently, a point that leaves them as NOT at fault.  They look for a time when they can accuse someone else, blame someone else, for the situation.

And rarely is that accurate, or even fair.

Still, we all like to point the blame elsewhere.

Let's talk about this from a couple of perspectives.  One is kind of a higher level perspective, to question the concept of blame.  The other is a much more practical "what do I do?" perspective.  Both get us to a better place than simply asking, "Am I the problem? Am I to blame for our marriage crisis?"

Listen below as I tackle the question:  "Am I the Problem?"

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Miranda asked me, “What do I do?  My spouse is hopeless that we can save our marriage. I’m losing hope, too."

A while back, I did a training for members of my VIP Program, noting three barriers in the way of a spouse working on the marriage… along with how to respond.  One of those barriers is hopelessness.

But if a spouse is hopeless… how can you hold onto hope?

There is an equation of hope:  hope = goal + pathways to goal + action to get there.

If you noticed from the equation, a spouse (you) can choose hope, even when a spouse is hopeless.  Especially if you recognize that the hopeless spouse cannot see that goal… cannot see a way forward (a path)… and therefore, can’t see a way to take action.

There are traps at each of those three elements of hope… and if one is not present, it isn’t really hope.  So, let’s talk about how to grab each element, keep it in place, and keep moving forward.

Listen to the episode below.

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When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy.  When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday.

And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season!  It cuts across nations and beliefs.  The season is here.

A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd."

What a loss!  She would be losing out!  No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays.  No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing.

Her real desire was to avoid pain.  But her solution did more than avoiding pain.  It avoided life, and all it offered.

My suggestion:  deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday.

I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis.

Listen below.

 

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"In our very first session, our therapist told me that we were divorcing and I need to accept it," Claire wrote.

I invited people to submit questions. And Claire did. (You can, too, by EMAILING HERE.)

Here is what happened:  Claire wanted to save her marriage.  Her husband thought it was over.  Claire convinced him to go to therapy.  But then, near the end of the first session (and as it turns out, the only session), the therapist turned to Claire and announced that the marriage was over and she needed to accept it.

Claire was shocked.  No efforts to work on the relationship. No discussion on what might be possible.  Just a declaration that the marriage was over... not from her husband, but from the therapist!

I only wish this was the first time to have heard pretty much the same story... but I have heard it over and over.  Does a therapist have a right to announce that divorce is inevitable? Should a therapist work on the relationship first?

Let's talk about 3 dangers that come up for therapy... and what to do about them.

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CLICK TO EMAIL A QUESTION