Miranda asked me, “What do I do?  My spouse is hopeless that we can save our marriage. I’m losing hope, too."

A while back, I did a training for members of my VIP Program, noting three barriers in the way of a spouse working on the marriage… along with how to respond.  One of those barriers is hopelessness.

But if a spouse is hopeless… how can you hold onto hope?

There is an equation of hope:  hope = goal + pathways to goal + action to get there.

If you noticed from the equation, a spouse (you) can choose hope, even when a spouse is hopeless.  Especially if you recognize that the hopeless spouse cannot see that goal… cannot see a way forward (a path)… and therefore, can’t see a way to take action.

There are traps at each of those three elements of hope… and if one is not present, it isn’t really hope.  So, let’s talk about how to grab each element, keep it in place, and keep moving forward.

Listen to the episode below.

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Book, Beyond the 3 Barriers — Covers hopelessness!

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When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy.  When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday.

And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season!  It cuts across nations and beliefs.  The season is here.

A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd."

What a loss!  She would be losing out!  No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays.  No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing.

Her real desire was to avoid pain.  But her solution did more than avoiding pain.  It avoided life, and all it offered.

My suggestion:  deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday.

I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis.

Listen below.

 

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Save The Marriage System

"In our very first session, our therapist told me that we were divorcing and I need to accept it," Claire wrote.

I invited people to submit questions. And Claire did. (You can, too, by EMAILING HERE.)

Here is what happened:  Claire wanted to save her marriage.  Her husband thought it was over.  Claire convinced him to go to therapy.  But then, near the end of the first session (and as it turns out, the only session), the therapist turned to Claire and announced that the marriage was over and she needed to accept it.

Claire was shocked.  No efforts to work on the relationship. No discussion on what might be possible.  Just a declaration that the marriage was over... not from her husband, but from the therapist!

I only wish this was the first time to have heard pretty much the same story... but I have heard it over and over.  Does a therapist have a right to announce that divorce is inevitable? Should a therapist work on the relationship first?

Let's talk about 3 dangers that come up for therapy... and what to do about them.

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CLICK TO EMAIL A QUESTION

I know.  It's tempting.  Your marriage is having troubles and you want to talk about it.  Maybe your friends would be good to tell.  Or maybe your family can listen.  Or perhaps you should contact your in-laws to "talk some sense" into your spouse.

Don't.  Stop.  Think again before you share.

Those words that feel so good right now may come back to haunt you can cause other problems when things turn around.

You may be thinking that you will only be telling to get support and love.  And you might get support.  But that support likely includes siding with you.  And if someone sides with you, they will likely side against your spouse.

When you talk to someone about a problem with someone else, you create a "triangle," to use a term from communication experts.  And that triangle may feel good and feel more stable.  But it complicates the original conflict and issues.

And that often serves to further undermine the relationship... along with the chances for recovery.

Does that mean that you can't get help and support?

Nope.  You just want to go about getting support the right way.

I discuss the reasons why NOT to tell others about your marriage problems in this week's podcast episode... along with who TO tell.  Listen below.

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You want to save your marriage.

Right?

That is why you are here, right?  So, what might get in your way?  How might you fail in your efforts?

Let me be clear:  in this podcast episode, I discuss 3 ways YOU may fail at your efforts.  This isn't about why your efforts will fail, because of a spouse... or family... or an affair... or anything outside of, well, you.

Which is why this episode is so important for you.  The 3 ways you may fail, they are all about choices and decisions you can make.  You have control.

But first, you need to know about these 3 ways you may fail.  I'll tell you what they are, and how to make sure you don't fall into the fail traps they create.

Listen below.

 

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I had nearly back-to-back discussions with people about coaching and therapy. One wanted to know if I could see them and their spouse. The other wanted to know if they could go to marital therapy alone.

You may already know that I have concerns with marital therapy (yes, I am trained as a therapist).  But there are times when marital therapy (given the right circumstances) can be helpful.

But can you do it alone?

Early in my career (I was still finishing my Ph.D., but was already providing therapy), I realized that my approach was more of a coaching approach.  So, immediately after my dissertation was finished, I started a multi-year coach training program.  And since then, I have offered coaching services to people who want to thrive, whether in life or in a marriage.

Many times, that means I am speaking with one person.  So, can you do coaching together?  With your spouse?

Well, since I had those questions so close together, I decided I could answer it for more people in an episode of my podcast.  So, here it is!

You can listen below.

 

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No, this won't save your marriage (but might be what therapy focuses on)

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Grab the Save The Marriage System

Is your marriage infected by the "zombie virus?"  Do you find your relationship to be the "walking dead?"  Are emotions lost and connections missing?  Do you and your spouse respond to each other with "zombie grunts?"

The infection can be stopped.  You can fight the infection and heal the relationship.

Don't allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship's immune system.  Fight back and restore your relationship to the living and the healthy.

Okay, to be fair, this is a “tip o’ the hat” to Halloween… but still an important subject!

Listen below.

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It can be an emotional storm in the middle of a marriage crisis.  Sometimes, it seems that every little thing blows up into big things... almost without control.

A marriage crisis is one of the bigger life stressors.  If you are dealing with that, you are already emotionally "tapped out."  Which means it might not take much for you to boil over...

And undo any progress you have been making.

I have frequently been told that "I just can't control my emotions."  And in reality, the challenge is not controlling, but managing, your emotions.

In this podcast episode, I outline 5 ways for you to manage your emotions in the midst of a marriage crisis.

Is it hard?  It can be a challenge.  But it is do-able.

You can do it!  Let's talk about how!

(Listen Below!)

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She started the conversation by telling how she was confused… her spouse had confused her.  He said he didn’t feel safe enough to share his emotions, didn’t feel safe enough to move back into their bedroom, didn’t feel safe enough to talk through their issues.  She told me, “I have never hurt him or threatened to hurt him.  How can he feel unsafe?"

Safety (and feeling safe) is an interesting thing.  There doesn’t actually have to be a real threat in order to feel unsafe.  Our brains are always looking for a sense of threat — and it takes very little to trigger the feeling of threat.  A look, a tone… a small hint can be perceived as a real threat.

We don’t risk connecting when we feel threatened.  Connecting requires vulnerability.  And vulnerability requires a sense of safety.

Again, that is not necessarily tied to reality of threat.  So, do you (and your spouse) create spaces of safety?  Do you internally communicate safety in your relationship?

Learn why this is so important and how to do it in the Save The Marriage Podcast below.

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When a marriage crisis hits, people kick into gear!  They dig in and work on their relationship. Many times, they start to see results.  Things are turning for the better.  The relationship is warming.  Things aren't quite so hostile.

But then....

They get derailed.  Thrown off-course.  Lost in the crisis.

Not surprisingly, any gains made are quickly lost.  Things become even more tense and fractured.

Why did they get derailed?  Four reasons:  Distracted, Distanced, Doubtful, and Discouraged.

I go into each of these... as well as how to avoid falling into the trap and getting derailed... in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast.  You can listen below.

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