The Save The Marriage Podcast

Sometimes, people tell me that as they are trying to save their marriage, they actually feel like they are trying to earn back the love of a spouse.  They want to know if that is what it really is -- earning back the love (and even trust).

The short answer is NO, that is not the goal.

A slightly longer answer is that if you are working to earn back love, you are also working on building a unsustainable and not-very-healthy relationship.

That is my topic for this week's Save The Marriage Podcast:  why you are NOT trying to earn back your spouse's love, why that approach is problematic, AND what to do instead.

Your marriage can be saved.  But not by trying to earn back your spouse's love.

Can the love return to your marriage?  Absolutely.

But that doesn't mean it is the goal of the process.

(Love isn't earned.  It is given.)

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Save The Marriage System

It may be an odd preoccupation, but I pour over the scuba accident reports.  I like to see how the accidents happened, what led to the accident, and how it might have been prevented.

The same approach is taken to studying scuba accidents as is applied to airline accident and medical accidents.  And it should be applied to marriage crises.

There's a theory of accidents in systems that is called the "Swiss Cheese Theory of Accidents."  Another description would be "multiple causations in spite of prevention systems."  Imagine a bunch of slices of swiss cheese.  Usually, a slice with holes in it won't line the holes up with another slice.  If you stack them together, there are no holes all the way through the stack.

But if the holes line up, something could pass right through.  Something like an accident.

In scuba, aviation, medical, and industrial fields, there are multiple checks and balances in place (slices of cheese) to keep an accident from happening.

Marriages also have these safety zones:  love, priorities, attention, affection, boundaries, communication, etc.  The bigger the hole in each system, the bigger the chance that the holes match up.  And the bigger the chance of a marriage crisis.

To put it simply, there are multiple causations that go into a marriage crisis.  To go a bit deeper, listen to my podcast below.

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It happens.  In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity.  A spouse negative about the marriage.  Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage.  You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt).

Negativity comes from several sources:  fear, protectiveness, anger, resentment, lack of understanding, and lack of clarity.

Regardless of the source, you may find yourself reacting poorly -- negatively impacting your capacity to save and improve your marriage.

Is there another alternative?

You bet there is!

I would suggest four ways to respond that can change the outcome.  Listen to the podcast for the four ways you can respond differently to the negativity, making sure that you don't catch it yourself.  Listen below.

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I get asked this on a regular basis, both from people who are in the middle of wanting to save their marriage, and those who are wanting to leave.  This is what I get asked:  "What does it matter if we save it or not?"

In this episode, I cover some of the negative impacts that come with ending a marriage. Not to scare, but to clarify.

Why clarify? Because when we are in pain, we tend to look for a way away from the pain. We tend to not think about those longer term effects. And then, we find ourselves in unexpected problems.

In a future episode, I'll cover what saving a marriage could be, and why that is important.

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The Save The Marriage System

Slowly, slowly... you are making progress!  You keep working on turning your marriage around... and it is working!

Maybe you think it isn't moving fast enough.  Or maybe you have just been holding all of those emotions, fears, and hurts, in... and they start to grow.  You can feel it!

But you try hard not to let it out.  To keep on moving forward.  To keep on making connections.

Until...

Maybe it was something small...

Maybe it was yet one more little thing (or even a medium thing... maybe even a big thing!)...

And BOOM!  You blow up!

You use a tone you wish you hadn't.  You say things you wish you hadn't.  You do things you wish you hadn't.

BLOW UP!

... and then it passes.

But the damage is done.

Your efforts can feel like they have been in vain.

So, let's talk about what to do BEFORE the blow-up!  It is much easier to stay ahead of the problem than to catch up and rebuild after the problem.

Listen to this week's podcast episode below.

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You may just be on a fishing expedition, and not even realize it!

If you are trying to get your spouse to respond, trying to get some feedback from your spouse, you are on a fishing expedition!

You probably won't attract what you want.  And you may scare away what you most want to attract.

Do you think you might be on a "fishing expedition"?  Listen in to this week's podcast and see if you are fishing. . . and what to do if you ARE!

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Save The Marriage System

Today, I tackle a pretty sensitive subject:  the difference between "Doing The Right Thing" and "Doing It Right."

Let me be very clear:  I believe that working to save your marriage is heroic work.  It is pretty counter-cultural in our world of "throw away."  We do it with stuff and relationships.  

I also believe that working on saving a marriage is courageous.  It's pretty scary to be in the middle of a crisis, and to CHOOSE to work on the relationship.  That is the definition of courage -- feeling fear, and choosing to act, anyway.

Sometimes, I watch people who want to do the right thing, but they don't do it the right way.  "No Contact Rule," Reverse Psychology, hypnosis, spells. . . you name it, I see people try it.

And I watch their efforts fail.  Their desire to change things is absolutely there.  But the approach is in trouble.  It kind of reminds me of deciding to diet, then choosing an ice-cream diet.  Probably not going to get the results you want (although it does sound delicious).

Starting with the best of intentions is a great beginning point.  But it has to be followed with an approach that works.

Let's talk about Doing The Right Thing, AND Doing It The Right Way.

 

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It is such a common demand from a spouse during a marital crisis:  “I need space!  You just need to give me space!”

Yet here I am, telling you to connect with your spouse, to rebuild the broken connection that led to the crisis.

Are they opposites?

One listener to the Save The Marriage Podcast was wondering.  Which means that others might be wondering the same thing.

Here is the problem:  When your marriage is in crisis and a spouse asks for space, if you can’t give it, your spouse will demand MORE space.  And if that is not given, your spouse will force even MORE space.  Each step causes deeper disconnection and a deeper crisis.

And yet, you know you need to fix the disconnection in order to heal the crisis.  It just seems that connecting and giving space are opposite ends.  But that is mainly because of the way you are trying to connect.  You can accidentally be crowding, not connecting.

Listen in to discover the truth about “space” and how to connect without crowding.

(And if you have questions you want answered on the podcast, CLICK HERE TO SEND THEM.)

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“Why is marriage so hard?” That is a question I often hear from struggling couples.

What happened?  All of that love, all the connection, seems to disappear, to be replaced with struggle and strife.

At the start, it seemed so easy.  You wanted to be together, to spend your life together.  Then… something shifted.  Things got tough.

Does that mean that the marriage was wrong, that you married the wrong person?

Or is there something else going on?

There are several challenges that arise in any marriage.  They are challenges, not insurmountable obstacles.  They prove that “being in love” is not enough to get you through life.

You CAN make it through the struggle.  And no, the struggle does NOT mean the marriage is headed for failure or broken.  There IS a place for renewal and connection.

Listen below for more on how to get past the struggle.

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You have already journeyed to here.  Maybe your relationship is hurting and in pain.  Maybe your connection has gone cold.  But however you got here, whatever the path, you want to get somewhere different.

Somewhere better.

It may seem cliche, but it is a journey.  And this last part of the journey, it has some stops along the way.

Many times, people think (and want) it to be a linear path, stopping along the way, but arriving at the end, reconciled and in love.

Those four big stops?

Apology

Forgiving

Trusting

Reconciling

Many assume that one follows the other, just points along the road.  But it is more like a subway system that might arrive at one station, having never paused at another.  You may pass one or more, or even arrive at each one, seemingly out of order.

In reality, each of those four stops are distinct and separate.  They can happen separate from, or even without, the other stops.

Let’s talk about these four stops in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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