The Save The Marriage Podcast

It is such a common demand from a spouse during a marital crisis:  “I need space!  You just need to give me space!”

Yet here I am, telling you to connect with your spouse, to rebuild the broken connection that led to the crisis.

Are they opposites?

One listener to the Save The Marriage Podcast was wondering.  Which means that others might be wondering the same thing.

Here is the problem:  When your marriage is in crisis and a spouse asks for space, if you can’t give it, your spouse will demand MORE space.  And if that is not given, your spouse will force even MORE space.  Each step causes deeper disconnection and a deeper crisis.

And yet, you know you need to fix the disconnection in order to heal the crisis.  It just seems that connecting and giving space are opposite ends.  But that is mainly because of the way you are trying to connect.  You can accidentally be crowding, not connecting.

Listen in to discover the truth about “space” and how to connect without crowding.

(And if you have questions you want answered on the podcast, CLICK HERE TO SEND THEM.)

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In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis.  There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.

This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis.  And just to let you know:  you are NOT at stage 1.  That would be Asleep.  This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble.  You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage crisis that is already underway.

But then you wake up to find yourself in the midst of a troubled relationship, a hurting marriage!

Your spouse may be further along the process, and your marriage may be further along the progression of the crisis.  That is independent of your own awareness of the crisis.

In this episode of the marriage crisis, I discuss the 4 stages of crisis awareness, and the 1 thing you need to do — along with some thoughts on how to/how NOT to do that very thing.

Listen in below.

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Most people don’t come right out and say it, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are the victim in their marital situation.  They believe they have been done wrong… more wrong than they have done.

Problem is, their spouse is believing the same thing.

Over and over, I watched as people seemed to make a mad race to be the bigger victim, each on their side of my couch, trying desperately to prove they have done all they can.  But their spouse….

It is quite a game.  Not one that either person is enjoying.  Yet both are playing.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you the rules of the game, why we play the game… and how to end the game… unless you really want to win it.  Then, you can use the information to do that… although I don’t know why you would really want to.  That game ends with 3 losers:  You, your spouse, and your marriage.

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Let me be the first to say, saving your marriage can be hard on you emotionally!

Well, I don't really need to tell you, do I?  YOU are living it!

One of the tough things, if you are going it alone (at the moment) is the fact that you want to feel loved, too.  You are likely trying to make sure your spouse feels love... feels love.  You are likely working on connection... even if it isn't (currently) coming back your way.

And since we humans really want and need that love and connection, it can be tough when you don't feel it coming back.

Because of just that, many people give up -- even if they are almost there!  Even if they are pretty close to saving their marriage, they often give up, frustrated and hurt.

I get that.  I understand it.

And I want to make sure you understand it, too.  So, we talk about the feeling and what to do about it, in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

Don't get derailed (when you might be so close to your goal!).

 

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For many couples in a troubled marriage, their first stop is marital therapy. In fact, for many, it is almost an instinctive reaction.  Marriage problem?  Head for therapy.

How do I know?

Because I hear from them... when therapy fails.  Which is, unfortunately, fairly often.

Why?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you a little "inside information" on the factors that determine success or failure in marriage therapy.

Since I was trained as a marriage therapist, I have long been observing the profession.  I stepped away and shifted to relationship coaching some years ago.  But I still have my finger on the pulse of this profession.

So, let's talk about what leads to success... and what leads to failure, when you head to marital therapy.

Just so you know....

Listen below.

 

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Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right?  Yes, your marriage is in crisis.  But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage.  Right?

Not so fast.

Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance.  Not less.  It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off.  More insistence that nothing can be done.  That the marriage is beyond repair.  And that the only solution is dissolution.

So, if begging, arguing, convincing, and cajoling won’t work, what will?

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the concept of force, and how to shift it toward your goal of saving your marriage.

Listen below.

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On a regular basis (meaning, several times each week), I have a discussion with a client that ends in the client saying, "I can't...."  Yes, they finish the sentence in many ways.  But the start of the sentence is my focus:  "I can't."

I have a colleague that responds to clients who say, "I can't," with "You can."  That doesn't quite get there, though.  At least for me, I don't think that is the whole answer.

Over the years, I noticed that "can't" is far more complex than we notice.

You may have heard that in other languages, there are multiple words to describe what another language would only have as a single word.  For instance, the Greek language has multiple words to say, "love."  And at least in lore, there are many words in Inuit to say, "snow."

There should be, in my opinion, multiple words for "can't."  But here we are, often with conversations ending with "I can't."

So, I will take it further.  In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I note four different "can'ts."  One really, truly, is. One is really, truly, NOT. And the other two, you have to work through.

If you find yourself saying, "I can't save my marriage," or "I can't change," or "I can't see a way," you may want to take a listen.  You may be stuck in a "can't" that isn't.

Listen below!

 

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The Save The Marriage System

Can one person save a marriage, even if your spouse doesn’t want it?

I do say that my Save The Marriage System can save your marriage, even if only you want it.

But what can you really do, if your spouse is checked out and not sure they want to stay married?

I answer another listener question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Is it really possible to save a marriage working alone?  This is important because so many people don’t believe there is anything that can be done, once a spouse has checked out.  This is not accurate.  And it means that many people who could save their marriage and rebuild, don’t.  They walk away in defeat.

So, what CAN you do?  First, I tackle what you CAN’T do.  Then, we turn our attention to what CAN be done, even if it is only you interested (right now).

Listen below.

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Read my article on The Pause Button Marriage

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Find my Save The Marriage System

Learn more about Connection

Learn more about Conflict

This is a SPECIAL EDITION of the Save The Marriage Podcast!

Why?  Because we are on the cusp of an elevated threat to marriages... and it might include your's.

There are 3 periods in the year that see a spike in divorce filings and inquiries.  We are facing one right now:  the beginning of summer.  In the States, that is marked by Memorial Day (coming up very quickly).  For other countries, it may be another week or two off.  But we are slip-sliding right toward it.

In this audio version of a video training, I tell you why this season is a spike, and what to do so that your marriage is not a casualty (but the time to get started is NOW!).

In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis.  There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.

This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis.  And just to let you know:  you are NOT at stage 1.  That would be Asleep.  This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble.  You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage crisis that is already underway.

But then you wake up to find yourself in the midst of a troubled relationship, a hurting marriage!

Your spouse may be further along the process, and your marriage may be further along the progression of the crisis.  That is independent of your own awareness of the crisis.

In this episode of the marriage crisis, I discuss the 4 stages of crisis awareness, and the 1 thing you need to do — along with some thoughts on how to/how NOT to do that very thing.

Listen in below.

RELATED RESOURCES

FACT of the Crisis

Can The Marriage Be Saved?

Why It Matters

Happy or Hurting?

Save The Marriage System