The Save The Marriage Podcast

It is such a common demand from a spouse during a marital crisis:  “I need space!  You just need to give me space!”

Yet here I am, telling you to connect with your spouse, to rebuild the broken connection that led to the crisis.

Are they opposites?

One listener to the Save The Marriage Podcast was wondering.  Which means that others might be wondering the same thing.

Here is the problem:  When your marriage is in crisis and a spouse asks for space, if you can’t give it, your spouse will demand MORE space.  And if that is not given, your spouse will force even MORE space.  Each step causes deeper disconnection and a deeper crisis.

And yet, you know you need to fix the disconnection in order to heal the crisis.  It just seems that connecting and giving space are opposite ends.  But that is mainly because of the way you are trying to connect.  You can accidentally be crowding, not connecting.

Listen in to discover the truth about “space” and how to connect without crowding.

(And if you have questions you want answered on the podcast, CLICK HERE TO SEND THEM.)

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“Why is marriage so hard?” That is a question I often hear from struggling couples.

What happened?  All of that love, all the connection, seems to disappear, to be replaced with struggle and strife.

At the start, it seemed so easy.  You wanted to be together, to spend your life together.  Then… something shifted.  Things got tough.

Does that mean that the marriage was wrong, that you married the wrong person?

Or is there something else going on?

There are several challenges that arise in any marriage.  They are challenges, not insurmountable obstacles.  They prove that “being in love” is not enough to get you through life.

You CAN make it through the struggle.  And no, the struggle does NOT mean the marriage is headed for failure or broken.  There IS a place for renewal and connection.

Listen below for more on how to get past the struggle.

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You have already journeyed to here.  Maybe your relationship is hurting and in pain.  Maybe your connection has gone cold.  But however you got here, whatever the path, you want to get somewhere different.

Somewhere better.

It may seem cliche, but it is a journey.  And this last part of the journey, it has some stops along the way.

Many times, people think (and want) it to be a linear path, stopping along the way, but arriving at the end, reconciled and in love.

Those four big stops?

Apology

Forgiving

Trusting

Reconciling

Many assume that one follows the other, just points along the road.  But it is more like a subway system that might arrive at one station, having never paused at another.  You may pass one or more, or even arrive at each one, seemingly out of order.

In reality, each of those four stops are distinct and separate.  They can happen separate from, or even without, the other stops.

Let’s talk about these four stops in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.

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You are working on your marriage.  You reach out toward your spouse. . . only to feel rejected.

After that stops you in your tracks.  You start doubting yourself, your efforts, your plan. . . .

STOP.

What if your spouse was not really intending to reject you?

What if something else was going on?

What if I told you that almost always (I would say "always," but then someone would work hard to prove me wrong), it is not really an attempt to reject.

It is really an attempt to protect.

Not "protect you."  But "protect themselves."

What?  You say, "They don't need to protect themselves!"

But that doesn't mean they don't feel the need to protect themselves.

Perceptions.

They really get us in trouble.  You feel it as rejection.  It was meant for protection.  The problem is, your perception could throw you off, cause you to pull up, abandon your plan, and wallow in pain.

Or you could understand it from your spouse's perception. . . .

Listen to the podcast below.

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“Should I even keep fighting for my marriage?”, asks “G.”

Oof, that word… “fighting.”  I hear it often.  But so many times, when someone says they are “fighting for” their marriage, they end up “fighting against” their spouse.  The spouse who doesn’t see how to move forward.

Which is rarely helpful for the process.  But I watch person after person “suit up” to do battle, not even sure on what they are fighting.

So, let me clarify that with the question from “E.”  She asked why I always talk about connection… not romance, playing “hard to get,” doing “No Contact,” or reverse psychology.

Those two fit together… the “fighting” part and the “connecting” part.  You are fighting for connection!  For some very specific (and deeply rooted) reasons.

I discuss both in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

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First, let me be clear:  if you are actively saving your marriage, working toward a better relationship... stop reading and go do something else!  This won't apply to you!

But if you want to save your marriage... but for some reason, you just can't get moving... hang with me!  YOU are the one that will benefit from this episode.  That "some reason" is what I want to take a look at.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss the 4 "F" words that are keeping you from taking action... keeping you from saving your marriage.

I discuss 4 reasons why you are stuck and aren't saving your marriage.  Just to be clear, these are the reasons you are stuck... and has nothing to do with what your spouse is doing.

Let's be clear about what typically holds people back.  And yes, there may be some other reasons. I want to cover the 4 reasons I see repeatedly. And yes, they can keep you from taking any action. Unless, of course, you find an alternative.  I'll give you that alternative, too.

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In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis.  There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.

This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis.  And just to let you know:  you are NOT at stage 1.  That would be Asleep.  This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble.  You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage crisis that is already underway.

But then you wake up to find yourself in the midst of a troubled relationship, a hurting marriage!

Your spouse may be further along the process, and your marriage may be further along the progression of the crisis.  That is independent of your own awareness of the crisis.

In this episode of the marriage crisis, I discuss the 4 stages of crisis awareness, and the 1 thing you need to do — along with some thoughts on how to/how NOT to do that very thing.

Listen in below.

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You've heard the story about the frog and the kettle. It's the slowly heating water that sneaks up on the frog before it can react.

Turns out, frogs are smarter than that. They jump when things get dangerous.

But the metaphor survives because it describes something we do in marriage.

Except our kettle doesn't heat up. It cools down.

Most couples hit a pause button at some point — kids, career, a season of life that demands everything. The intention is good: we've got this, we'll get back to us later.

The problem is, there's no suspended animation in a relationship.

When you step back from connection, the marriage doesn't hold still. It starts cooling. Slowly. Below the surface. Often for years before you notice.

In this episode, I walk you through how it happens, why we miss it, and what it takes to reverse it.

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Most people wait for hope to show up.

They treat it like weather — something that either arrives or doesn't, something outside their control. And when it doesn't show up, they take that as a sign. Maybe it's over. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe there's just nothing left to work with.

But what if hope isn't something you wait for? What if it's something you build?

Waiting for hope is passive. Building hope is a choice.

In this episode, I go back to work from researcher Charles Snyder, who mapped out what hope actually is — not as a feeling, but as a structure. There are ingredients. A recipe. And like any recipe, you can't skip a piece and expect the result to work.

Those ingredients are: a clear goal, a willingness to pursue it, and a plan for how to get there. Three things. And most people who feel hopeless are missing at least one of them. Sometimes all three.

Here's what's interesting about that. The ingredient people most often think they're missing is willingness. They assume they're the problem. That they don't care enough, or aren't strong enough, or have run out of something.

But willingness isn't usually the real problem. The real problem is usually the third ingredient: the plan, the process, the path. Because here's what I've found over 25 years: when someone can actually see the path forward, willingness tends to follow.

Not the other way around.

In this episode, I also walk through the three things that are actually within your control  (what I call the 3 A's) and why most people exhaust themselves working on the wrong things entirely.

If you've been feeling stuck, like the motivation just isn't there, or like hope has quietly left the building, then this episode is worth your time.

It won't tell you what to want. It won't hand you willingness you'd have to manufacture on your own. But it will show you that building hope is something you can actually do. Right now. With what you already have.

 

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She did everything right.

When her marriage hit a crisis, she and her husband went to therapy. They showed up every week. They stayed with it for months. They did what you're supposed to do.

And then the therapist told them she didn't think she could help them. Nothing was working. She didn't see a path forward.

They walked out feeling like failures. Like they had somehow flunked marriage therapy. Like the problem was them.

Here's what I want you to know: she was wrong about that.

And if you've sat in that same chair (or if you've tried the books, the advice, the frameworks, and still feel like nothing is reaching the actual problem) you may be wrong about it too.

There's a difference between failing therapy and therapy failing you. And that can change what you do next!

This week's episode is about that difference. Why therapy so often doesn't work in a marriage crisis. What's actually being missed. And why the advice that sounds right... and may even be right, can still be completely wrong for the moment you're in.

The hiking guide is useless when you need a tourniquet.

Listen below.

 

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