The Refined Collective Podcast

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

You may have heard on Instagram that The Refined Collective reached 1 million downloads! This is a huge milestone and I want to CELEBRATE that with you! We have over 150 episodes from the last 3.5 years and I spent some time digging through the archives to find the most downloaded episodes ever to share with you over the next 10 weeks. If you're new to TRC, buckle up, because we have some incredible content coming your way. And if you've been here a while, hold tight, because a good refresh on this stuff never hurt! Also, while we're going through the archives, I'm going to spend some time dreaming up what's next for TRC! (And truthfully, I need a break from interviews for a bit!) But I didn’t want to leave you hanging while I took a little break! So get excited, + welcome to TRC REMIX!

Are you ready to revisit (or visit for the first time) the most downloaded episode on TRC history? This is Part 1 of a conversation I had been avoiding having with you guys in a solo show because I was afraid of getting it wrong or someone taking a sound bite out of context. This is a nuanced conversation with a lot of grey areas, but I didn’t want fear to keep me from this dialogue. So I dove into the topic and the response was overwhelming in the best way. Now let’s dive back in!

Here’s what I won’t do:

• Tell you what to do.

• Give you a script to regurgitate to yourself and others to justify any of your actions.
• Shame or judge you for your past or your current decisions.
• Try to fix you or convince you of anything.

What I hope to do:

• Point you to Jesus, Scripture, and nuance.
• Normalize a healthy conversation around sex, sexuality, desire, and yes— masturbation
• • The word alone can feel shame inducing, right? How many times do you say ‘masturbation’ out loud on a regular basis?
  • God is not ashamed of our sexual desire and sexuality—he created it (Genesis 1: 26-31).

• Give you tools to equip you to navigate your faith, values, and a dialogue around masturbation.
• Don’t take my word for it—I’m not God. This is where I am at after close to 7 years of researching, praying, doubting, trial and error, and tough conversations.
• God created you with a mind—use it!
• Finally, it’s ok if we don’t see eye to eye—we can still love, respect, and honor one another even if we come to different conclusions.

My Personal Story: 

Before we move forward with vision and walk out today with clarity, we have to be willing to look backwards: how, why, and through what means did we get here?

• Home: ‘It’s okay to masturbate.’
• School: Silence.
• Friends: Silence, masked conversations, and shame.
• Culture: ‘Do what feels good.’
• Church: All wrong, all the time, shut down your desire until marriage—only guys struggle with sexual desire. 

4 Questions to Ask Yourself

1. What do you currently believe about masturbation and why?
2. What were you taught about masturbation at home, school, from friends, culture, and church?
3. Where and how were those beliefs formed?
4. Are those sexual scripts/beliefs rooted in fear or freedom?

• Identify the shame agenda + the Jesus agenda.

The Big ‘O’: The Power of the Orgasm

• When we orgasm, dopamine and oxytocin are released in a surge in our bodies.
• • Dopamine is a neurotransmitter released from the reward center part of our brain associated with pleasure.
  • Oxytocin is a feel-good hormone. One of its sole purposes is to create deep bonds between people. This is like “soul ties.”

The Harem Within: C.S. Lewis

“For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself…and turns it back: sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides. And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no real woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover: no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity. In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself . . . .After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little, dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison”[1]

• My pleasure is #1 priority

• Ephesians 5: Respect our husbands and husbands to serve their wives like Christ served the church.
• Our sexual experiences with our spouses should be outward focused, let’s serve each other—not ‘I’m feeling turned on, get me off, and then roll over.’

• Ends on self

• Sexuality = desire for ‘o’ others.
• Gets us outside of our heads and into relationship/community with others.

• No iron sharpens iron here folks

• Conflict resolution.
• Mirrors of each other.
• Constant growth.
• “Brides always adored” or “yes men.”

• FANTASY LAND: Loving the prison more than real life

• I don’t want to get so good at getting myself off that I don’t need another person.
• 91% of millennials masturbate (19 and 36 for SKYN's 2018 Millennial Sex Survey, and found that 91 percent of respondents masturbated.)
• 2015—Pornhub site: 60% of its users were millennials.
• Compartmentalized and scratching an itch that we don’t need to/want to take the risk of being in a relationship and dating.
• Avoiding: heartbreak, awkwardness, conflict, rejection.
• Is this why so many of us in the church are single? We’re getting just enough of our “itches” scratched that the risk of truly putting ourselves out there to be in a relationship is not worth it? 

Don’t worry, I won’t leave you hanging. Process what we’ve just gone through today and get ready for Part 2 coming next Wednesday. In the meantime, journal through the questions I ask above under “4 Questions to Ask Yourself.” Make sure you’re subscribed to the podcast so the next episode will download straight to your devices!!

[1] C.S. Lewis. Personal Letter From Lewis to Keith Masson found in The Collected Letters of C.S. Lewis, Volume 3: Narnia, Cambridge, and Joy 1950-1963. (New York: Harper Collins, 2007).

Resources

• Your Mind Matters by John Stott
• How to Embrace Your Sexuality Mini Course
• Sign up for one on one coaching with me here.
• Be sure + grab a copy of my book Sexless in the City.

Ladies, does it ever feel like your shorts were just not made for you? Title Nine is performance outdoor gear made by women for women that you can wear working out, hiking, or just running errands. It is built to perform and made to last. Go to TitleNine.com/refined for $10 off and free shipping on your order over $100!

This past year, I’ve been trying to perfect some recipes I can have in my back pocket when I have company. In all of these experiences, I realized how important it is to have good cooking tools. I just got a brand new knife set from Made In Cookware and it has been life-changing. Go to MadeInCookware.com/kat and use promo code KAT for 15% off your first order!

When it comes to paying off debt, it can often feel like an uphill battle. Upstart can help you get ahead. It is the fast and easy way to pay off your debt with a personal loan all online. Unlike other lenders, Upstart looks at more than just your credit score, so they can offer smarter rates with trusted partners. Go to Upstart.com/refined to see how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Today’s guest is a pretty big deal... I’m talking with the author of a book that has changed my life. Christopher West is a Doctor of Theology, devoted husband, father of five, and president of the Theology of the Body Institute. He is also the author of Good News About Sex and Marriage, Theology of the Body, and Our Bodies Tell God’s Story. Today, we talk about God’s divine vision for the woman’s body, and body theology 101.

Why have we demonized the Female Body?

• “If Christmas is real, then woman’s body is heaven on earth. It is the dwelling place of the most high God. What does the enemy want to do? He wants to desecrate the temple.” -Christopher West

• Book of Genesis— Lucifer’s hatred aimed at the woman and her ability to bear offspring

• “Jealousy says ‘I wish I had what you have.’ But envy goes a step further and it says ‘I hate that you have it and I want you to hate that you have it.’” -Christopher West

“That’s the purpose of the body— to overflow with divine love.” -Christopher West

What is the root of toxic masculinity?

• Chrstipher unpacks the idea of toxic masculinity in a biblical lens.

• “The problem is that fallen men are exerting their fallen masculinity in this world. And fallen masculinity is always aimed at women in a degrading kind of way.” -Christopher West

• Ephesians 3 // Apostle Paul says his mission is to make plain to everyone the mystery that has been hidden in God
• Ephesians 5 // “This is a mega mystery— and it refers to Christ and the church”

“One woman’s body changed the world because she said yes to God’s plan for her life.” - Christopher West

Resources

• Check out TheologyoftheBody.com for more resources.
• Listen to Christopher’s podcast with his wife, Wendy, here.
• Keep up with Christopher on IG at @cwestofficial and @tobinstitute.
• Read Christopher’s book, Theology of the Body.
• Be sure + grab a copy of my book Sexless in the City.

I’m an avid reader and always have at least 3 books going at once. Anyone else love getting lost in a good fiction book? I just got a new book I’m super excited about called The Lost and Found Bookshop by Susan Wiggs. This NYT Bestseller now in paperback is the perfect feel-good summer read for a beach read or your book club. Grab your copy anywhere books are sold or find more at SusanWiggs.com.

Finding a bra that fits, is comfortable, and cute or sexy… it feels impossible. I recently had an enjoyable bra shopping experience with the female-founded and led company Natori. They have everything from size A to G. Go to Natori.com and apply the code REFINED at checkout for 15% off at checkout. Be sure to use the hashtag #MyNatori on social media.

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

I grew up in the Bible Belt South.

I was taught good Christians save sex for marriage.

I loved God + wanted to do it ‘His way’, so I nodded + smiled.

Only in my late 20s did I realize I had no idea what the Bible actually said about sex.

I only knew what my pastors told me.

I needed to find out for myself what the Bible really said about sex, + then I needed to decide if I cared what it had to say.

This episode unpacks Part II of that journey. 

Last week on the podcast, I shared all about my experience growing up in Christian culture, my choice to wait until marriage for sex, and the major struggle waiting was for me. In last weeks episode, I also did a deep dive into what the New Testament says about sex. If you haven’t listened yet, make sure you do that here. This week, I am continuing the conversation with an exploration of the Old Testament.

There’s a deeper ‘why’

• 1 Samuel 16:7 // God looks at the heart.
• Genesis 1:1 // Creation of humanity and climax of creation.
• God acknowledges that it is not good for humans to be alone, but he doesn’t instantly satisfy that longing. He let’s Adam work and sit in his desire.
• Chapter 2 of Genesis // 

The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones

    and flesh of my flesh;

she shall be called ‘woman,’

    for she was taken out of man.”

24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

25 Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

Introducing sex

• The initial precendence of sex was post-marriage.
• “Yada” Jewish word ‘to know’ is used to describe sex— it also happens to be the same word used for God knowing us. It’s not just these physical acts, it’s MIND, BODY, SOUL, SPIRIT, DEEP KNOWING.
• In Hebrew culture, you moved out once and it meant something. The man would build her a house. But today, we move all the time and have dozens of roommates.
• These houses were often built on his family property— this means a few things:
• • Job
  • Willing to put in the time for her
  • Diligence
  • Showing everyone he’s a one woman kind of guy
  • Willing to do whatever it takes to let her know he’s in it for the long haul

“I’ve kissed more than one guy who wanted to kiss me after a couple of drinks at night, but never wanted to hold my hand in the daylight at brunch with his friends on a Saturday.” - Kat Harris

The Bible is (ummm…) Erotic

• The Song of Solomon was so erotic that Hebrew boys weren’t allowed to read it until they were men.
• King Solomon’s wife expresses enthusiastic consent and empowered sexuality from the get-go showing sex was about more than pro-creation: Pleasure matters to God.

“I saw a God vision for sex that is robust and beautiful and deep and rich… and it was transforming to me.” - Kat Harris

Reflection Questions

• What are your thoughts on sex after listening to Part I + II?
• Has anything shifted?
• What question do you still have?
• How would you describe the genesis 2 type of love?

Resources

• I take this conversation so much deeper in my book. Be sure + grab a copy of: Sexless in the City
• Join our Patreon community for exclusive videos
• Listen to the audio of Chapter 1 of my book for FREE:  My Breaking Point
• Listen to What the Bible Really Says About Sex: Part II

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You’ve probably heard a lot about collagen over the years and know several people who swear by it. I’m here to tell you that it’s worth the hype. Collagen helps reduce fine lines and helps ease joint discomfort— pretty cool, right? You can put it in everything from a smoothie to banana bread. Go to AncientNutrition.com and use code REFINED for 20% off your first order.

I’m an avid reader and always have at least 3 books going at once. Anyone else love getting lost in a good fiction book? I just got a new book I’m super excited about called The Lost and Found Bookshop by Susan Wiggs. This NYT Bestseller now in paperback is the perfect feel-good summer read for a beach read or your book club. Grab your copy anywhere books are sold or find more at SusanWiggs.com.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Warning: This episode covers a sensitive topic. I want to give you the opportunity to pause and listen when you are alone or use some headphones if you’re around delicate ears.

What does the Bible really say about sex?

Is there a difference between sexual desire and desire for sex?

How do I embrace my sexuality?

What if I never meet someone?

My journey has been imperfect, but the stumbles led me to where I am today. In this episode, I share my own stumbles in waiting for marriage, including the relationships that made me really question my decision to wait for marriage. If you want to hear more of that journey, check out My Breaking Point, an episode of the podcast where I read an excerpt from my book, Sexless in the City. After that breaking point, I decided to make my faith my own and find out why I believed what I believed. Here is Part I of what I discovered. (Part II coming next week.)

Where + When does the Bible talk about Sex?

• The phrases “sexual immorality” or “fornification” popped up a lot in the New Testament and were always accompanied by the word “flee.” 
• In 1 Corinthians 6:18, Paul tells the church to flee from porneia.
• In 1 Corinthians 7:1–2 Paul encourages the Corinth church to get married in order to avoid the temptation of porneia. This set of verses is often used during biblical teaching on abstinence. 
• • Porneia: blanket word that encapsulated a lot of different things: pedophilia, beastiality, adultery…in essence it’s this bundled term for any sexual activity outside of marriage.
  • I can trust that if there is an invitation to flee from something it’s not because God hates sex or sexual activity…it’s because God has a more grand vision for whatever the thing is…

“Make a decision that is not rooted in ‘should’ or external expectation or shame, but one that is connected to abundance, wholeness, and freedom.” - Kat Harris

What Exactly is Sex?

• How do you define sex?
• Where did you come up with said definition?
• Is sex one act? Or a pool of experiences?
• What if you identify as LGBTQ+? Are the only people who can lose their virginity those who experience heterosexual attraction?
• What if your partner is experiencing impotence?
• What if you’re one of the 75% of females who only experience climax/orgasm through external stimulation?
• Does your deffinition of sex expand when you consider these questions?

“I didn’t want to redefine sex because if I did, I might not be a virgin anymore.” - Kat Harris

Next episode, I’ll unpack what I found in the Old Testament about God and sex. But for now...

Reflection Questions

• Have you felt as a person of faith that your virginity is tied to your standing with God?
• How would you define sex?
• Why would you define it that way?
• Where did you come up with said definition?
• What stood out to you today?
• Pool of experiences vs. vertical race to a misguided goal.
• Sit with it. Process. Talk with your friends about it.

Resources

• Buy my book Sexless in the City
• Join our Patreon community for exclusive videos
• Listen to My Breaking Point

Ladies, does it ever feel like your shorts were just not made for you? Title Nine is performance outdoor gear made by women for women that you can wear working out, hiking, or just running errands. It is built to perform and made to last. Go to TitleNine.com/refined for $10 off and free shipping on your order over $100!

This past year, I’ve been trying to perfect some recipes I can have in my back pocket when I have company. In all of these experiences, I realized how important it is to have good cooking tools. I just got a brand new knife set from MadeIn Cookware and it has been life-changing. Go to MadeInCookware.com/kat and use promo code KAT for 15% off your first order!

Finding a bra that fits, is comfortable, and cute or sexy… it feels impossible. I recently had an enjoyable bra shopping experience with the female-founded and led company Natori. They have everything from size A to G. Go to Natori.com and apply the code REFINED at checkout for 15% off at checkout. Be sure to use the hashtag #MyNatori on social media.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Prayer is talking to God.

Meditation is learning to listen to the voice of God.

One of my yoga instructors told me that years ago, and it freaked me out!

Meditation felt scary, woo-woo, and un-Christian.

But what my yoga instructor said all those years ago rang true in the moment. Truth has a way of doing that...

This month has been really special because I’ve dedicated it to mental health topics on the podcast. We’ve talked about when it’s time to go to therapy, how to identify your anxiety triggers, how to stabilize when you’re having an anxiety attack, and how to check in on your mental health.

I wanted to end this series on Mental Health by offering you a really practical tool to support your mental health: a guided meditation.

Whether you’ve meditated for years, or never in your life tried it before, I invite you to come, sit, be still, receive, and practice the art of listening. 

I believe God is speaking constantly, but we miss Him because we’re so busy speaking at Him.

Want to give it a try? 

Step By Step

1. Find a comfortable position
2. Put one hand on your heart and the other on your belly
3. Start noticing your breath— each inhale and exhale
4. Lengthen your inhales and exhales
5. Scan your body— do you feel tightness?
6. Release tension— particularly in your face, shoulders, or belly
7. Allow your mind to wander, but recenter to your breath.

Yhwh

• This name of God is vowel-less, even though we tend to say it with vowels.
• This is the breath of life. 
• • Inhale yh. 
  • Exhale wh. 

Resources

• When Is It Time to Go to Therapy? with Kobe Campbell
• Kobe Campbell Answers Your Questions About Trauma and Mental Health
• Identifying Anxiety Triggers
• The Science of Anxiety + How to Stabilize Once You're Triggered
• Are You Really OK? A Mental Health Check Up with Debra Fileta
• How to Say No + Set Healthy Boundaries with Debra Fileta

It is finally HERE! My book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex is officially available online and in bookstores! If your copy arrives, make sure you post on social media and tag me! It makes my day to see it in your hands and I can’t wait for you to dive in.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Unsure how to practically prioritize your mental health?

What are tangible ways you can check-in + gauge your current mental health?

Do you spiritually bypass your mental health struggles?

Sometimes we gaslight ourselves when it comes to spirituality + mental health. Here’s how...

Debra Fileta is a licensed professional counselor who specializes in dating, marriage, and relationship issues, as well as mental health disorders. She was on episode 97 of The Refined Collective. We talked about dating myths, and now she’s back for round two. She’s the author of True Love Dates, Choosing Marriage, and Love in Every Season! Her new book Are You Really OK? just released! Today, we’re talking about how to assess your own mental health and how to pursue help when it’s needed.

Mental Health 101

• Emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical health all go hand-in-hand.

• “Even good things cause an emotional reaction and stress. So the launch of a book— even though it’s an amazing experience— contributes to your stress… good things can lead to burnout.” - Debra

Emotional Health Check Up

• We take physical health check ups seriously, but are we doing the same for our mental health?
• How to have an emotional health check-in?
• • 1. Expressive writing: write down your emotions, no matter how messy. Studies show people who regularly do this experience fewer symptoms of stress.

• “If we don’t take the time to stop and really process what is happening underneath, that pressure is going to build until it comes out in a way that we don’t have control over.” - Debra

Spiritual Health Check Up

• 3 Spiritual Health Check-up Questions to Ask yourself::
• • 1. What people or experiences have shaped my view of God?
  • 2. What are some words that I’ve believed about God that aren’t actually based on truth?
  • 3. What characteristics of God— as revealed through his word— are most significant to me and my experience?

Mental Health Check Up

• “Your mental health is not a sign of your character, it’s a sign of your chemistry” - Debra

• Notice the patterns that contribute to your anxiety
• • Do you feel restless? Irritable? Soreness? Difficulty sleeping? Breathless?
• Notice the patterns that contribute to your depression
• • Are you feeling sadness or apathy? Decreased pleasure in all the things you normally enjoy? An absent or uncontrollable appetite? Fatigue?
  • If you have any of these symptoms for two weeks, you can be diagnosed with depression. 

How to Say No

• In an exclusive Patreon interview, Debra shares…
• • How to get to the root of why you feel the need to say “yes” always
  • How to set healthy boundaries in your life
• Join Patreon and get access to this and dozens of other exclusive videos/interviews. Join here!

Resources

• Keep up with Debra: TrueLoveDates.com and @TrueLoveDates on IG.
• Debra on TRC: Soulmates = Codependency (And Other Dating Myths Debunked)
• Debra’s book: Are You Really OK? 
• Exclusive Patreon Interview: How to Say No + Set Healthy Boundaries

It is finally HERE! My book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex is officially available online and in bookstores! If your copy arrives, make sure you post on social media and tag me! It makes my day to see it in your hands and I can’t wait for you to dive in.

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Are you experiencing a lot of anxiety recently?

Does it feel unsolvable?

Like your anxiety attack will like it will never end?

What if you had tools to help ease your anxiety in the moment?

As you know, May is Mental Health Awareness Month and we’re getting serious about mental health over here on The Refined Collective Podcast. Two weeks ago, I spoke with Trauma Therapist Kobe Campbell all about therapy (tune in here if you missed it). And last week, I shared my own experience with anxiety and practical ways to identify your anxiety triggers outside of the moment (tune in here if you missed it). This week, I wanted to share how you can stabilize your anxiety when you’re in the moment.

A Collective Anxiety

• Why are we experiencing so much anxiety? Collective depression + individual anxiety + trauma + relapses—from living in + through a pandemic — we’ve never done this before. 
• Brene Brown talks about FFT ‘It’s the F-ing first time’
• • Listen to her talk about it in this podcast episode.
  • The older we get, the less we like trying new things. Trying new things is vulnerable and we don’t want to suck! Normalizing discomfort is our secret sauce

1. Name it

• What’s coming up? THIS IS THE 1ST PANDEMIC!

1. Perspective 

• This is not going to last forever

1. Reality Check

• Nothing is going as planned and that’s okay

The Science of Anxiety

• Our thoughts activate our minds, then our minds activate the body, then our body activates fight or flight.
• Symptoms like: dizziness, head rush, tingling, heart palpitations, paranoia, hypervigilance, can’t breathe, legs feel like jelly

3 Parts of the Brain

1. NeoCortex/Prefrontal Cortex: rational, logic, problem-solving 
2. Limbic: emotions, feeling, memories
3. Reptilian/Primal: survival

• When we’re triggered, the Primal Brain gets activated and the other two shut down.
• In order to reactivate the others, you have to let the Primal Brain know you’re safe.

How do you speak to the Primal Brain to reactivate other two parts of our brain?

4 Things to Do In the Moment:

1. Pause
2. Breathe

• Mindful breathing
• DO IT NOW // 4 DEEP INHALES + EXHALES
• • This activates the parasympathetic nervous system, meaning you feel safe and your body stops pumping cortisol and adrenaline.
  • Quitting cigarette smoking is hard, in part, because it involves deep breathing.
• BOXED BREATHING (Navy SEALs use this!)
• • Try it now (4x)

1. Simple truths:

• I am safe and at home in my body
• I am here.
• I can breathe.
• I can feel discomfort and still be safe

1. Ground

• Fear removes us from the moment. Runaway train of thought. Worst case scenarios.
• Kate Eskuri spoke about grounding on the podcast last year.

• “It’s that inner sense of calm even though the outside world might feel a little scattered.” - Kate Eskuri

• Grounding Rituals

1. What are five things I can see? 
2. What are four things I can feel? 
3. What are three things I can hear? 
4. What are two things I can smell right now? 
5. What is one thing I can taste?

Reflection Questions

Resources

• Brene Brown podcast episode about FFT
• TRC Ep 090: Why Self-Care is More Crucial Now Than Ever Before
• My calming Spotify playlist
• Moving Through Fear Guide
• Jackie Viramontzez meditation/EFT tapping
• TRC Ep 086: How Meditation Can Change Your Life

Stay tuned for next week’s episode, where I’ll lead a guided meditation!

It is finally HERE! My book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex is officially available online and in bookstores! If your copy arrives, make sure you post on social media and tag me! It makes my day to see it in your hands and I can’t wait for you to dive in.

When it comes to paying off debt, it can often feel like an uphill battle. Upstart can help you get ahead. It is the fast and easy way to pay off your debt with a personal loan all online. Unlike other lenders, Upstart looks at more than just your credit score, so they can offer smarter rates with trusted partners. Go to Upstart.com/refined to see how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today.

You’ve probably heard a lot about collagen over the years and know several people who swear by it. I’m here to tell you that it’s worth the hype. Collagen helps reduce fine lines and helps ease joint discomfort— pretty cool, right? You can put it in everything from a smoothie to banana bread. Go to AncientNutrition.com and use code REFINED for 20% off your first order.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

What triggers our anxiety?

How can we identify our triggers outside of the moment?

How can we change our relationship with anxiety?

As you know, May is Mental Health Awareness Month and we’re getting serious about mental health over here on The Refined Collective Podcast. Last week, I spoke with Trauma Therapist Kobe Campbell all about therapy (tune in here if you missed it). This week, I wanted to talk all about how to identify stress and anxiety triggers outside of the moment.

My Anxiety Story

• I was experiencing heart palpitations at night but thought I was just sleeping on the wrong side.
• I prided myself on working 16 hour days, going out and being able to party, skip meals, and get up before the others to get ahead. It was intoxicating— I had friends who lived this way and encouraged a lifestyle of ‘I’ll sleep when I’m dead.’
• The problem: I was being rewarded for my behavior—my business was growing, I was a jetsetter, business owner—I got a ton of opportunities in my career because I was a ‘yes’ person. 
• Then, like an alcoholic moving to a bar—I moved to NYC. I’ve said for a long time, NYC is like being in the right place at the right time all the time if you’re open to it.

Manifested in the Physical

• I had an unknown rash all over my body— I joked that it was my body being allergic to NYC.
• One day I was shooting a wedding and almost fainted during family portraits. I stumbled and laughed it off but it was really scary. Then, at the reception bathroom floor—as soon as I left it left + it left. Chalked it up to dehydration— it was just a fluke.
• The next weekend, I went to the hamptons for another shoot and the same thing happened.
• The next week, it happened again. This time at church: a place I feel so safe.
• Within a month I was a wreck: Terrified of leaving my house. Going to church felt anxiety-inducing. Shooting weddings felt like life or death. Being on the subways was the worst. Was this my new normal? I must be really losing it. I couldn’t live this way.

Why Me?

• YOU HAVE TO LOOK BACK BEFORE YOU CAN LOOK FORWARD.
• Here are the patterns I noticed every time I had a huge panic attack:
• • Lack of sleep 
  • • I was fueled by fear in my career: if I’m not working, I’m not getting paid — if I don’t get paid, I can’t pay rent, buy food, take care of myself. One of the most anxiety inducing scenarios is when our core needs are in threat of not being met: 
    • • Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: 5-tiered model pyramid approach to human needs. It goes from bottom to top. You can’t go to the next level without the previous level being supported. Basic needs are food, water, shelter, rest. Then above that is safety and security. Above that is belonging and love. Above that is esteem and accomplishment. At the very top is self-actualization.
  • Lack of food + water (big stretches of time without snack / meal
  • Alcohol the day before
  • Lots of caffeine
  • Overheated 
• It was like I had been driving with my gas tank on E for 50 miles at 100 miles an hour and then hit a pothole and my engine exploded.
• So when I got into a stressful situation like public speaking, shooting a wedding, being on a crowded subway... I was at a resting state of level 9 anxiety. The tiniest thing was setting me off. 

How could I set myself up for success outside of a stressful or triggering situation so that I could be at a resting rate of 1-3?

Back to the Basics

• This is the bottom line. Life, work, relationships CANNOT happen if these aren’t happening first.
• BACK TO MASLOW’S HIERARCHY OF NEEDS
• • Sleep 7-8 hours
  • • The Sleep Revolution by Ariana Huffington
  • Eat 3x day 
  • Have snacks with me at all times
  • Meditate daily + prayer— even if it’s brief
  • Workout— even if (maybe especially if) you don’t feel like it
• Then I took it a step further
• • Cut out alcohol
  • • I gave up alcohol for 6 months + 3/4 of the way through that my dad relapsed into drug abuse. This was one of the most traumatizing experiences of my life and yet I didn’t have one panic attack— it’s like God knew and wanted to help set my body up for success.
  • Cut out caffeine 
  • • I used to have one big cup in the morning. I tried to quit cold turkey, but it wasn’t working.
    • Research coffee withdrawal symptoms 
    • Wanted it to be sustainable, so here’s what I did:
    • • Week one // no caffeine past noon
      • Week 2 // half a cup of coffee
      • Week 3 // alternated caffeine/decaf every other day
      • Week 4 // all decaf
    • Recently I was recording a podcast and I was feeling a little light headed and I was like what is going on? I had caffeine! Now that I’ve removed it, I can tell when it’s impacting me.

Taking My Thoughts Captive

• “There were many terrible things in my life and most of them never happened.” Michel de Montaigne / French Philosopher

• Public speaking— I once froze on stage + it was scary
• • I was afraid of throwing up + having a seizure, fainting — which has never happened to me before on stage.
  • I’ve always felt comfortable on stage. But then after I froze; it was all I could think about.
  • Constantly strategizing about how I could make an exit: where were the physical exits, excuses I could make if I needed to leave—I’d just want to get out of there to the nearest restroom to lock myself in until I was better.
  • Underneath the strategizing was fear:
  • • I can be safe for other people (duh im on stage).
    • But if I have need, no one is safe.
    • I can’t be seen as imperfect or I won’t be loved.
    • Humiliation, death.
• THE RUNAWAY TRAIN of my thoughts + obsessing over potential worst case scenarios was taking over my life. What happened is I became more afraid of what could happen than anything that had actually happened.

Excerpt from Sexless in the City:

Paul, one of the great teachers of the New Testament, charged the church of Corinth to be ever so aware of their thought life. Paul doesn’t say they should take their thoughts captive; he says they are a people who take their thoughts captive1. The assumption is that they are already a people who understand the power of their thoughts, and regularly examine the source and root of them. 

He encourages them to keep that up. In Romans, Paul says to allow ourselves to be transformed with renewed minds.2 Later, to the church in Philippi, he says, “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”3 In other words, Paul knew something powerful: our mindsets determine our reality. 

We become what we think about. What are you spending your time thinking about? 

…

I don’t think we all wake up in the morning as masochists. These limiting beliefs feel true because we’ve often had real experiences that act as proof. Our circumstances are real; it’s not like they don’t happen. Our past impacts our present and can prevent us from our future if we let it. That’s why the invitation of faith is so profound. Faith invites us to have the courage to walk into a reality outside the here and now of our emotions and circumstances. It’s a more ultimate reality. Faith beckons us to lean into the possibility of the unseen and whispers, “Just because you know a story by heart doesn’t mean it’s true.”5 Narratives are always on the hunt for new evidence. So if we’re going to look for it anyway, we might as well look for evidence of God’s goodness and what’s possible. To do that, we first have to identify the limiting beliefs we’re holding on to, release them, flip the script, and start looking for new evidence. 

Put in the Work

• You can’t really do this in the moment.

1. PAUSE / BREATHE
2. Thank your body: it’s trying to save your life
3. GET CURIOUS:

• What am I really afraid of happening here?
• What’s the fear underneath the fear?
• Even if the fear happens will I be ok?

1. REPLACE with TRUTH
2. • What do I need to hear right now? 

• I am safe.
• I have everything I need
• Even if the worst case scenario happens, I am safe.
• I can reach out and ask for support.
• I am not alone.
• I am accepted. 
• I am loved.

Renewing our minds is an actual thing in science + scripture. Brains are pattern makers — we have to interrupt the pattern + look for evidence of a new way to make new neural pathways. Knowing what triggers fear/anxiety/depression/etc. outside of the situation will help give you tools to move through the moment. 

LIFE ISN’T ABOUT LIVING FEAR FREE; It’s about changing our relationship to fear. Fear ignites because our minds and bodies think our lives are in danger. Isn’t that incredible? Acknowledge the fear, ‘thank you for coming for a visit + now…you don’t get to be in the driver’s seat today.’

Reflection Questions

• What triggers your anxiety?
• What things in your life calm, bring peace, and stabilize you?
• How can you get back to the basics? What is out of alignment and how can you prioritize it?
• How can you love yourself well this week? (Fill your car up with gas before it’s on E + you’re stressed, meal prep, schedule rest.

Resources

• Moving Through Fear Guide
• TRC Ep 058: How to Marie Kondo Your Mental Health with Dr. Therese Mascardo
• The Sleep Revolution by Ariana Huffington
• Ariana Huffington TED Talks on sleep
• Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
• “How Small Habits Can Lead to Big Changes” by Ariana Huffington

Stay tuned for next week’s episode, where I’ll break down how to stabilize the moment once you’ve become activated in your anxiety.

It is finally HERE! My book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex is officially available online and in bookstores! If your copy arrives, make sure you post on social media and tag me! It makes my day to see it in your hands and I can’t wait for you to dive in.

Are you in the TRC Patreon community? Last week, Patreon got access to another conversation I had with Kobe Campbell and this week is Part II! We chat about why mental health is having a moment, how to tell if you’re stuck in trauma, and her thoughts on text therapy. Sign up HERE!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Trigger Warning: We’re talking about mental health in this episode and the conversations can get pretty heavy. If you have little ears around, grab some headphones. Feel free to pause and save this episode for another time if you don’t feel like you have the capacity for it right now.

Are your quirks really trauma responses?

Are you depressed or is it the weather?

Do you understand what it means to be triggered?

Are past traumas continuing to pop up in your life?

Are you wondering if it’s time to start therapy?

Are you wondering which type of therapy you need?

What if you can’t afford therapy?

Does time heal all?

This is the first episode of May, which is Mental Health Month. Every episode this month will be focused on mental health in some way. I couldn’t think of a better person to chat with for the very first episode of Mental Health May than trauma therapist Kobe Campbell. Kobe is also co-host of The Healing Circle Podcast, and founder of The Healing Circle Therapy & Wellness Center. She helps me unpack all of the questions above and you’ll walk away with concrete resources as you start your healing journey.

Are Your Quirks Really Trauma Responses?

• “Until I went to a therapist, I did not realize that the ways I responded to the world around me were a reflection of me trying to soothe anxiety.” - Kobe

Have You Ever Felt Triggered?

• We tend to see triggers as us remembering a past trauma, but it’s really us re-experiencing it. Our bodies feel like we’re back in that traumatic moment. And we won’t always know what the traumatic moment was.
• Are you ever dishonest about your feelings because you feel embarrassed by them?

• “What hurts you in the past...is going to hurt you when you’re older… The deep wounds that we feel do not disappear.” - Kobe

• “Time can distract us, but that’s about it.” - Kobe

Should You Get A Therapist?

• Are you working things out by venting to your girlfriends? Are you wondering when would be a good time to take it to a professional? 
• I share the moment I knew it was time to get back into therapy.

• “You don’t have to be in crisis to go to therapy. Therapy can be a preventative measure.” - Kobe

• Start noticing the patterns in your life that pop up no matter the variables like time and place. We’re often too close to our own lives to see the full picture.

Which Type of Therapy Do You Need?

• General Therapy
• • Like your family doctor who handles colds and flus, a general therapist handles things like anxiety and depression.
• Specialized Therapy
• • They have a niche— they work with people who are working through a specific pain. This is for when you want to focus on things like sexual trauma, grief, family issues, or couple therapy. 
• Psychiatrists vs Therapists
• • Psychiatrists are in the medical field, while therapists are in the mental health field. Psychiatrists are able to prescribe medications and provide official diagnoses. 

Should You Go On Medication?

• Medication is trial and error sometimes to find the right fit.
• I share my own experience in going the holistic route and when I ultimately felt open to trying medication.
• There are doctors of osteopathic medicine that can use a blood test to see what medications would react well and poorly with you, narrowing down your trial and error search.

How Do You Find A Therapist?

• Psychology Today is the Google of therapists. It lists names, degrees, licenses they have, and a bio that gives you a taste of who they are. It also lists fees, rates, and insurances they accept.
• Most therapists offer free consultations, which are basically short connection calls to help you see if they are a good fit for you.
• The biggest rule is that they should always make you feel safe. Always. 

• “Therapy is there to help heal you, not to re-traumatize you. If you ever feel like you have to defend the reality of your pain, run as fast as you can.” - Kobe

What If You Can’t Afford Therapy?

• Ask about sliding scale fees. Some therapists offer reduced rates. 
• Open Paths Counseling Center is like Psychology Today, but for therapists who have reduced rate availability. 
• The Loveland Foundation provides financial assistance for Black women and girls who are seeking therapy.
• Churches often have scholarship funds for therapy.

Kobe and I didn’t get to all of the questions I had for her— there was just so much to cover! So we decided to keep it rolling and continue the conversation just for my Patreon community. Over the next two weeks, I’ll be releasing the continued conversation with Kobe— join now at patreon.com/therefinedcollective.

Resources

• Keep up with Kobe at kchealingcircle.com and on IG at @healingcircletherapy and @healingcirclepodcast.
• Listen to Kobe’s podcast she hosts with her husband Kyle, The Healing Circle Podcast.
• Check out Psychology Today, Open Paths Counseling Center, or The Loveland Foundation if you’re interested in seeking out therapy.

It is finally HERE! My book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex is officially available online and in bookstores! If your copy arrives, make sure you post on social media and tag me! It makes my day to see it in your hands and I can’t wait for you to dive in.

Are you in the TRC Patreon community? Last week, Patreon got access to an exclusive podcast episode where I chat with a guy friend about my current dating woes. And THIS week you can hear a continuation of my conversation with Kobe Campbell. Sign up HERE!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Feminism: the fight for equality between men and women.

Did you grow up thinking feminism was bad? 

That the word “feminism” was a dirty word?

That your faith had no space for feminism?

That women called to serve men?

This week, I’m talking with Meghan Tschanz— writer, speaker, and host of the Faith and Feminism Podcast— all about feminism. We talk about the things we gre up believing about women that we no longer believe, how we grew to become (and call ourselves) feminists, and why Jesus is a feminist.

The Narratives We’ve Been Told

• Not only does growing up in an Evangelical context shape the way you view your role as a woman, but so does society in general.
• Meghan talks about how as a kid she was taught that being competitive and strong was not her role and that her body was bad and shameful.

• She remembers thinking, “I don’t think this is God, but this is all I know.” And she accepted it because she didn’t want to be seen as un-Christian.

• “The text doesn’t ever say, ‘Well, men have a little more of the God image and women need to keep quiet.’” - Kat Harris

Changing the Narratives

• Meghan shares how women can be protectors, providers, and pursuers. 
• We all love a good “the way they met” story. Meghan shares hers and I open up about my frustration in striking out constantly— always kissing the frogs and never getting the prince.
• I get honest about wanting a partner who will be a provider and how I have challenged myself to dig below the surface.
• Being a stay-at-home mom doesn’t mean you’re not a feminist. 
• “Overall, if we’re looking at the history of the world, if we’re looking at what is ailing women today, it’s a lack of choices, it’s being forced into a box.” - Meghan Tschanz

Women of the Bible

• We unpack Mary and Martha’s stories in the Bible.
• Junia’s name was changed to Junius to fit the gender roles.
• Esther disobeyed and didn’t conform to gender roles.
• Bottom line: women are very much in charge, empowered, and leading nations.

“The most damaging phrase is: it's always been done this way” - Grace Hopper

Growing up, what did you learn about being a woman?

From church? Culture? Home? School?

How have those narratives shaped how you view yourself + your experience today?

What do you think of the idea that Jesus could be a feminist?

What do you think feminism is? 

Write down your answers and process them. Be willing to go on a journey.

Resources

• Keep up with Meghan at MeghanTschanz.com and on IG @meghantschanz.
• Pre-order Meghan’s book, Women Rising: Learning to Listen, Reclaiming Our Voice.
• Check out Meghan’s podcast Faith and Feminism and my interview on her podcast here.
• Check out Beth Allison Barr’s book The Making of Biblical Womanhood.
• Listen to the episode of TRC where Tiffany Bluhm and I unpack Ephesians 5.

It is finally HERE! My book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex is officially available online and in bookstores! If your copy arrives, make sure you post on social media and tag me! It makes my day to see it in your hands and I can’t wait for you to dive in.

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