The Refined Collective Podcast

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome back to The Refined Collective Podcast! You may have noticed that we’ve got a new look and sound. I’m so excited to share my new vision for the podcast with you as we continue on this journey together. If there’s an elephant in the room, I’m gonna talk about it. Are you ready to ask the hard questions with me?

I am so excited to be starting off this new season of the podcast with Dr. Celeste Holbrook. She has been a guest several times (her episode is one of the most downloaded ever!) and this time we’re diving into sex ed. Something I’ve realized recently is that a lot of us, myself included, didn’t get the comprehensive sex ed we should have in school. So let’s fix that together!

Let’s Talk About It

• There’s this idea in Christian culture that if we talk about sex or consent or how to put on a condom… that everyone will start having sex.

• “The more information a person has about sex and sexuality, the more likely they are to make healthy decisions about sex.” - Dr. Celeste Holbrook

1. Where Is The G Spot? Do all women have one?

• The backside of the clitoris (the clitoris is larger than you think!)
• If you were to put a finger inside, you’d feel it about an inch up on the front side of your vaginal canal.
• Everyone has a G Spot, but not everyone likes it being stimulated.

1. What Is Squirting?

• It’s not pee, but it does have small amounts of urine in it. It’s actually mostly interstitial fluid, which is held in the G Spot.

1. What’s The Difference Between STIs and STDs?

• STI: Sexually Transmitted Infection // STD: Sexually Transmitted Disease
• For the most part, doctors use the term STI because conditions that are sexually transmitted do not always develop into STDs (and it carries less stigma).
• Dr. Celeste and I chat about how to talk to the person you’re dating about any STIs you may have.

1. To lube or not to lube?

• When you get wet, that is your body creating a sort of natural lubricant to make the rubbing and friction of skin glide more smoothly. Lube assists in making sex more comfortable and pleasurable.
• There are many reasons why you may not get wet even though you are aroused— it’s always best to have lube around because you’ll never know when you need the extra help.

1. What Type Of Lube Should You Use??

• Silicone: Cannot be absorbed and act as a pillow in your vaginal canal. (For this reason it is also a bit messy.) Best for vaginal pain during sex. Do not use this when using a silicone toy. 
• Water-based: Will feel the most like your natural lubricant and will be absorbed into your skin so you may have to reapply. More viscous than slippery.
• Hybrid (water and silicone): Has a more natural feel while still feeling very slick.
• NEVER use a lubricant that has any sort of sugar as it will mess with your natural pH. Always read the ingredients.
• Need some lube suggestions: Uberlube + Jo.

1. Should You Go To The OBGYN? Even if you’re not sexually active?

• From Hopkins Medicine: Women should start Pap smear screening at age 21. Between the ages of 21-29, women whose Pap smears are normal only need it repeated every three years. Women ages 30 and over should have testing for the human papillomavirus (HPV) with their Pap smear.

1. Are Blue Balls A Thing?

• “The term ‘blue balls’ in and of itself is coercive.” -Dr. Celeste Holbrook

• It’s uncomfortable, sure. But not serious or dire. 
• This term should never be used to coerce someone into having sex. Masturbation is always a solution.
• Also did you know women experience blue vulva?

1. Does Sex Get Better With Time And Practice? Or are some people just incompatible?

• “The biggest lie we are told is that sex is natural. Sex is biological. We are built for pleasure. We are built for reproduction. Sex is not natural— it is a skill we need to learn.” - Dr. Celeste Holbrook

• As you practice sex and communication more, it can absolutely get better. Work with your partner to explore how to make it feel better for both of you.

• “We are not modeled normative sexual behavior. All sexual behavior we see is performed sexual behavior, either in porn or in media.” - Dr. Celeste Holbrook

Interested in learning more? Starting on September 23rd, Dr. Celeste and I will be hosting a 3-part Sex Ed 101 Workshop series answering all of the questions you have. We’ll be talking about anatomy, consent, and what to expect your first time. You can sign up for just one workshop or all three. Sign up here!

Resources

• Sign up for the Sex Ed Workshop I’m hosting with Dr. Celeste here.
• Listen to Dr. Celeste’s episode of TRC all about painful sex and shame narrative.
• Keep up with Dr. Celeste on IG at @drcelesteholbrook and check out her site.
• Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

If you’re a creative, you know the drill. You’re finally done editing. It’s perfect. Now you just need to format...and re-format...for every single platform. With Issuu, make it once, and it’s ready to post everywhere. Issuu is the all-in-one platform to create and distribute beautiful digital publications, from brochures to magazines to sales collateral and more. Get started with Issuu today for FREE or if you sign up for a premium account you will get 50% off when you go to ISSUU.com/podcast and use promo code KAT.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #10. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!

I thought it’d be cool to end this series with a conversation that meant SO much to me personally. Like if no one else ever heard this call between Mia Fieldes + I -- it wouldn’t really matter, because our chat deeply impacted me.

As a single person who is now 36 years old and has been actively waiting for a very long time to meet my person— there’s times I grow weary. There's times I want to let go of hope and just say forget it. I’m tired of hoping and not getting what I want. I’m tired of the wait. I’m tired of the refining.

Mia Fieldes reminded me that first of all it’s ok to admit that being single is freakin’ hard + also how beautifully possible it is to stay connected to hope. If you are feeling tired and weary of hoping...this episode is for you.

Staying Connected to Hope in Singleness

• "How do you believe God for something that is fully dependent on somebody else's free will?"

• There’s an invitation to follow peace so when you are in a storm peace becomes your anchor.

• "Everyone told me marriage would be hard… and I thought 'yeah but being single is hard.'"

• "When you get to a certain age, people put limitations on you that God never does."

• She notices that everyone seems to be fighting for a piece of the pie, but everyone gets their own whole pie. She got her own promise from God.

Keeping Perspective

• If we spend our energy complaining, we will get no closer to where we want to be. We will receive that negative energy back.

• "You create your world with your words."

• Mia recalls the journey she went on with God guiding her toward a positive mindset and eventually her husband. "God plucked my husband seemingly out of nowhere."

• "If you have to convince someone into something, then believe me someone will convince them out of it."

• It's easy to worry about the things you'll have to compromise on, but when the right person comes along, you'll realize there is no real compromise to be made.

• "It's so important to go to God for yourself and get your own promise. Otherwise you will filter what God is doing with you through everyone else's story."

• "I don't want the plagiarized version of somebody else's story."

• Mia says that her husband, Joren, has been healing for her.

• "God is writing a way bigger story than you can think about."

Top Three Things To Look For In Your Person

1. Growth mindset.
2. Conflict savvy.
3. Communication!

"When you get to a certain age, people put limitations on you that God never does."

What limitations are you putting on yourself, on your circumstances, on God...that God never put on you?

What if despite the evidence, you chose to hope?

What would your life look like if you truly believed that God was using all things for your good?

What if God was conspiring every moment in your life FOR YOU, not against you?

How would your life look?

Would it feel any different?

Would you be acting / being / hoping differently?

I want you to sit with that.

Resources

• Keep up with Mia Fieldes on Instagram at @miafieldes. 
• Listen to Mia’s episode of the C3 NYC podcast here.

I have become very invested in taking care of my skin— I just wish I had started earlier! Swedish skincare company Foreo strives to turn daily routines into vibrant rituals and celebrate aging gracefully. They bundled their most popular products into a bundle that is sold exclusively on Amazon. Go to Amazon.com and use coupon code REFINEDC50 to grab the set for $199 (it is valued at over $300!)

If you’re a creative, you know the drill. You’re finally done editing. It’s perfect. Now you just need to format...and re-format...for every single platform. With Issuu, make it once, and it’s ready to post everywhere. Issuu is the all-in-one platform to create and distribute beautiful digital publications, from brochures to magazines to sales collateral and more. Get started with Issuu today for FREE or if you sign up for a premium account you will get 50% off when you go to ISSUU.com/podcast and use promo code KAT.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #9. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!

For today’s second to last TRC Remix episode we have love coach Shaun Galanos. I freakin’ LOVE this guy. He’s a straight shooter and to the point...which honestly is what we need sometimes in dating. For this episode, we collected some of your top dating questions and answered them for you! We cover everything from cheating to ghosting to finances to ‘how do you know if they’re the one?’ to what to do if you hate online dating. 

“Why do men ghost? Especially if the man asked for my number and texted me.”

1. They don’t care
2. They don’t want to have an uncomfortable conversation with you
3. That’s all they know how to do
4. They want to ghost you before you ghost them
5. They want to hurt you/make you sad
6. They don’t want to hurt your feelings
7. They feel guilty

“How do I manage finances in relationships when we have different standards of spending habits?”

• Values around money and debt are important— you should share those values.
• The money conversation can be a turnoff or red flag for someone if you bring it up early on.

“How do you know if it’s the right person, just the wrong time?”

• If what you’re really asking is:
• • “Am I making the right choice? Is there better?” Stop overthinking!
  • “I’ve been rejected, but should I just wait for them?” Move on! “If someone says no, take it as a no, believe them, and let the universe sort it out on the back end.”

“Can I build a relationship with someone I used to cheat with?”

• You can do anything you want in life, but ask yourself “Is this good for me?”
• There are so many ways to view a situation like this, some are fantasies and some are more riddled with problems.
• If it’s something you really want to pursue, go to counseling with that person to work on how you can make this relationship better.

“Be honest, have you ever decided not to date a girl because of her ethnicity?”

• Neither of us have not dated someone because of their ethnicity.
• I share what I’ve noticed of my own behavior on dating apps when it comes to race and how I’ve been reflecting on that and learning what has influenced that behavior.

“How can I make the first move without being too forward/intimidating as a woman?”

• “Just do it. Stop sitting on the sidelines hoping that he notices you and just do it.”

• It’s time to move on from the whole “men are hunters and women are prey” analogy, because guess what? Hunters don’t woo their prey!
• Ask yourself what’s holding you back— are you afraid of asking because you’re afraid of the answer?

“How do you date in 2020 when you really hate internet dating?”

• Ask yourself: what did people do before online dating became a thing?
• Don’t look down on the idea of being set-up!
• Get used to saying hi to strangers.

“How can I get context when it’s basically over text due to distance?”

• So I guess we’ve all just forgotten about phone calls, huh? Pick up the phone! You can get so much more context in a conversation when you hear their voice.
• I know a lot of us feel safer over text, but it’s so incomplete.
• Always make sure the big conversations are done over the phone or in person.

“I like masturbation, but I’m worried I’m not going to like sex when I get married.”

• Focus on masturbation now and worry about sex later. If you understand your own pleasure, you are setting yourself up for some really positive experiences with your partner.

• “Start talking about sex…so that it becomes a natural part of your relationship.”

• The book Slow Sex by Diana Richardson explores the idea that you should focus on your own pleasure and ask for what you want.
• ***None of this is possible without communication!****

“You will get more information when you ask for the thing that you want.” 

One of my big takeaways from Shaun is that we have the permission to communicate exactly what we want, need, and desire from day one in any relationship or interaction. 

If you’re unclear where you stand, have a conversation.

If you want to ask someone out, just ask them out.

If you want clarity, ask for it.

I love how Shaun put it in our convo: “You will get more information when you ask for the thing that you want.” 

It may sound scary, but it’s actually so incredibly FREEING.

Resources

• Keep up with Shaun on IG at @thelovedrive and on TikTok at @thelovedrive.
• Check out his course on healthy communication at thelovedrive.com.
• Shaun’s Love Drive videos on YouTube.
• IG post about why men ghost.
• An article Shaun wrote about ghosting.
• An IGTV Shaun did all about ghosting.
• Read Slow Sex by Diana Richardson
• Want to dive into a deeper conversation about masturbation? Listen to the Masturbation Series on The Refined Collective.
• Want to dive into a deeper conversation about sex? Check out Dr. Celeste Holbrook on The Refined Collective.

I have become very invested in taking care of my skin— I just wish I had started earlier! Swedish skincare company Foreo strives to turn daily routines into vibrant rituals and celebrate aging gracefully. They bundled their most popular products into a bundle that is sold exclusively on Amazon. Go to Amazon.com and use coupon code REFINEDC50 to grab the set for $199 (it is valued at over $300!)

If you’re a creative, you know the drill. You’re finally done editing. It’s perfect. Now you just need to format...and re-format...for every single platform. With Issuu, make it once, and it’s ready to post everywhere. Issuu is the all-in-one platform to create and distribute beautiful digital publications, from brochures to magazines to sales collateral and more. Get started with Issuu today for FREE or if you sign up for a premium account you will get 50% off when you go to ISSUU.com/podcast and use promo code KAT.

Finding a bra that fits, is comfortable, and cute or sexy… it feels impossible. I recently had an enjoyable bra shopping experience with the female-founded and led company Natori. They have everything from size A to G. Go to Natori.com and apply the code REFINED at checkout for 15% off at checkout. Be sure to use the hashtag #MyNatori on social media.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #8. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!

Today’s TRC Remix Episode is all about Dating 101: everything from dealbreakers to online dating profile no-nos to finding someone who’s our “type”  + the #1 myth keeping you stuck! I have this conversation with my good friend + singleness + dating expert: Stephanie May Wilson.

DATING 101: Types + Deal Breakers

• Online dating profiles vs. Meeting IRL.
• We may have a type, but we have to stop making our searches so narrow—the perfect man may not be who you pictured him to be.

DATING 101: It's A Curb, Not A Cliff

• Real talk: we need to be as intentional about dating as we are with our career or fitness.
• We chat about the pressure to have meet cutes and the number one frustration women come to her looking for answers to.

• "You deserve someone who wants to be with you."

• What do you do with all this hope and confusion? Live this season of your life to the fullest. Show up!

DATING MYTH: There Are No Good Guys.

• "There are better things we can do with that focus that actually get us to where we want to be."

• Find ways to put yourself out there more. Just get involved in your community.
• Disappointment is part of the dating process. It's getting you ready for marriage, which is signing up to be disappointed by the same person for your whole life.

Feeling discouraged? God hasn't forgotten you. It isn't too late. You are not less than others because you are single. You are not unlovable. You don't have to figure this out alone. 

The biggest thing that stood out to me in this episode is when Stephanie said: the #1 thing we should look for in a person is that they are also interested in us! Receiving this and understanding this would have transformed my 20s and early 30s. I can’t tell you how in love I would be with a guy friend and how I just let myself stay in the friend zone forgetting to remember that ‘Oh my gosh I GET TO BE WITH A GUY WHO WANTS ME BACK.’ I would’ve saved myself so much heartache!

What about you? What stood out to you about today’s episode! Share a quote or thought on IG stories + tag @therefinedcollective. I’d love to hear what came up for you!

Resources:

• Keep up with Stephanie at StephanieMayWilson.com and on IG at @smaywilson
• Listen to Stephanie’s podcast Girls Night (listen to my episode here;))
• Grab Every Single Moment for 15% off with code KAT
• Grab The Between Places for 15% off with code REFINED
• Watch my Patreon video: Are Your Standards Too High?

I have become very invested in taking care of my skin— I just wish I had started earlier! Swedish skincare company Foreo strives to turn daily routines into vibrant rituals and celebrate aging gracefully. They bundled their most popular products into a bundle that is sold exclusively on Amazon. Go to Amazon.com and use coupon code REFINEDC50 to grab the set for $199 (it is valued at over $300!)

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

Finding a bra that fits, is comfortable, and cute or sexy… it feels impossible. I recently had an enjoyable bra shopping experience with the female-founded and led company Natori. They have everything from size A to G. Go to Natori.com and apply the code REFINED at checkout for 15% off at checkout. Be sure to use the hashtag #MyNatori on social media.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #7. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!

Today’s TRC Remix episode is a solo show. I’m talking about sex in dating— specifically when and how to bring up your physical boundaries in dating and why it’s important to have these honest and open conversations early on in dating. I share why I used to be afraid and ashamed to talk about my choice to abstain from sex and how I clearly communicate my boundaries from the get-go today shame free.

Disclaimer: In this episode, I am talking about specific people from the Bachelor franchise and I want you to know I have zero judgement for anyone that I mention— I just use these specific situations on the show in order to illustrate what I’m talking about! 

Why I was afraid to tell guys I wasn't having sex until marriage:

• Fear of rejection
• Assumption.
• Shut down to my sexuality.
• I didn’t know my why.

3 things to think about before you have 'the talk'

• Know your why

• Your decision has to be internally motivated
• QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF:
• • What does sex mean to me?
  • How do you define sex? Why do you define it that way?
  • What is god's heart for intimacy + sex?
  • What is your heart for intimacy + sex?
  • Why or why not is this a value for me?

• Assume nothing

• Just because they share your faith does not mean you have the same physical boundaries. No kissing until marriage to everything but penetration—including anal—to some people who love Jesus and choose to have pre-marital sex. 

• Zero shame

• Rejection is protection!! It may make my dating pool smaller, but it makes it stronger. 

WHEN: By date 3…although NYC dating culture moves quickly…so it's not odd if I bring it up on the 1st date. 

3 Reasons to Have the Sex Talk Early on

• Set yourself up for success
• • If you're not having sex before marriage — this may help set-up physical boundaries in dating.What didn't work for me…getting naked on the first date. 
• Be kind
• • If I'm getting what I want—but if he thinks this is leading elsewhere it's in a sense being dishonest. 
• Create a culture of honesty + communication aka: CONSENT IS SEXY!

The only way a relationship can last + build trust is through communication. As a couple you get to decide what boundaries will work for you—It's an ongoing conversation. A boundary might have worked in the past, but things may shift. I HAVE AN EASY OUT: I talk about this stuff professionally. However, the more I've shared, the easier it's become. It's a non-issue for me. Here is what I say: "Hey, I just want to be upfront. I don't have sex until marriage + that's not like a cute thing I say…I really mean it. So I just wanted to throw that out there + see where you're at + what you think!"

Resources:

• 30 minute free call with Christian Sexologist Dr. Celeste Holbrook
• The Bible: Flee from Sexual Immorality
• TRC Episode 007: Kat’s ‘Why’
• Kat’s conversation on God is Grey
• Read Sexless in the City
• TRC Episode 155: What Does the Bible Really Say About Sex?
• Hear more about my current dating life and what it’s like to date as a person with a public platform over on Patreon.

I have become very invested in taking care of my skin— I just wish I had started earlier! Swedish skincare company Foreo strives to turn daily routines into vibrant rituals and celebrate aging gracefully. They bundled their most popular products into a bundle that is sold exclusively on Amazon. Go to Amazon.com and use coupon code REFINEDC50 to grab the set for $199 (it is valued at over $300!)

Finding a bra that fits, is comfortable, and cute or sexy… it feels impossible. I recently had an enjoyable bra shopping experience with the female-founded and led company Natori. They have everything from size A to G. Go to Natori.com and apply the code REFINED at checkout for 15% off at checkout. Be sure to use the hashtag #MyNatori on social media.

I’m an avid reader and always have at least 3 books going at once. Anyone else love getting lost in a good fiction book? I just got a new book I’m super excited about called The Lost and Found Bookshop by Susan Wiggs. This NYT Bestseller now in paperback is the perfect feel-good summer read for a beach read or your book club. Grab your copy anywhere books are sold or find more at SusanWiggs.com.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #6. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!

Are you single?

In need of a dating breakthrough?

Does it feel like there are no good single ones left?

Does it feel easy to see lack all around you?

But what if...you are the common denominator in all your dating or lack thereof experiences? What if you could actually be the one who’s blocking yourself from love? Certified Relationship Coach Jillian Turecki offers some profound insight on just this. Get ready from some hard + also super practical truths.

“Our entire experience of life boils down to relationships. From the intimacy we crave with a partner to the success we achieve through our work. None of it is possible without understanding our own psychology and the psychology of those we relate to. We never learned this at school, but it is learnable.” - Jillian Turecki

What does it mean to be blocked from love?

• Your psychology determines your energy and how you show up in your life.

• “Just because you really want something, doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s coming to you as quickly as you would like it to come.”

•  When we’re in a desperate place we’re blocking ourselves.

5 ways to identify if you’re blocking yourself from love:

1. Fear.
2. Hopeless.
3. Anxiety
4. Despair
5. Obsession

How our beliefs impact our ability to attract love:

• “Whatever we believe, we’ll see evidence of it everywhere.”

• You have the ability to challenge your beliefs: 
• • Is this really true? 
  • Is it possible you could be wrong?
• We don’t do anything that doesn’t have a side benefit. 
• Ask yourself these 2 questions: 

1. What’s the reward you’re getting for these beliefs? 
2. Why are you trying to keep yourself safe + protected?

A Roadmap to Clear the Way for Love: 6 Practical things you can do today.

1. Identify the beliefs that are holding you back.
2. Break free from the addiction of surrounding yourself with people with the same limiting beliefs. Talk to people who don’t share those beliefs about love and are able to offer you a different perspective.
3. Identify the experiences in your life that have led you here.
4. Ask yourself: Is your perspective freeing you or choking you?
5. Self-worth: When we obsess over love, it’s because deep down we doubt we’re worthy of it.
6. Enough-ness: Where are your fears of not being enough getting in your way?

#1 thing you can do to unblock love:

• Learn how to be secure in your worth and make yourself happy as opposed to waiting for someone to make you happy:
• • Marriage is not the be all end all.
  • Mixed Messages: if someone is uncertain about you—there have to be boundaries.

• “If a guy likes you, you’ll know. If he doesn’t, you’ll be confused.”

How buying into the myth of the ‘independent woman’ could be keeping you from love:

• Are you independent, codependent, or interdependent?
• • Codependence: I can’t be happy unless you’re happy. I don’t know what my needs are. I can’t focus on my life because I’m only focusing on yours.
  • Independence: I don’t need anyone. If I’m vulnerable I’m weak.
  • Interdependence: I love you, but I don’t need you to make me happy.

Healing is possible! Remember you have the permission to rewrite your story at any moment!

Resources:

• Check out Jillian’s website here, where you can join her Conscious Woman Membership.
• Follow Jillian on Instagram at @jillianturecki
• Have any questions for Jillian? Reach out to her here! Or email her at [email protected].

I’m an avid reader and always have at least 3 books going at once. Anyone else love getting lost in a good fiction book? I just got a new book I’m super excited about called The Lost and Found Bookshop by Susan Wiggs. This NYT Bestseller now in paperback is the perfect feel-good summer read for a beach read or your book club. Grab your copy anywhere books are sold or find more at SusanWiggs.com.

I have become very invested in taking care of my skin— I just wish I had started earlier! Swedish skincare company Foreo strives to turn daily routines into vibrant rituals and celebrate aging gracefully. They bundled their most popular products into a bundle that is sold exclusively on Amazon. Go to Amazon.com and use coupon code REFINEDC50 to grab the set for $199 (it is valued at over $300!)

Finding a bra that fits, is comfortable, and cute or sexy… it feels impossible. I recently had an enjoyable bra shopping experience with the female-founded and led company Natori. They have everything from size A to G. Go to Natori.com and apply the code REFINED at checkout for 15% off at checkout. Be sure to use the hashtag #MyNatori on social media.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #5. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!

Today’s TRC Remix episode is with Theologian and powerhouse Phylicia Masonheimer. In this conversation she candidly shares how her husband wasn’t her ‘type’ when they met. We move through the question: as a woman should we be looking for a ‘spiritual leader’ and what does that even mean when we say that? And finally she shares the top 3 things to look for in a partner.

The Way They Met

• Phylicia shares how she didn’t see her husband as her type when she met him, but he loved her so well and he loved God--so she decided to give it a shot to see if feelings could develop.

Do I need to be led spiritually by someone else?

• Do we need to be at the same place on our spiritual journey with the person we date and marry? 
• The church taught us that we need to be led by men who act as our spiritual leaders, but ‘spiritual leader’ isn’t mentioned anywhere in the Bible.
• Phylicia shares the difference between complementarian views and the egalitarian views within Christianity. 

• “We’re after the leader heart… not just somebody who has collected a lot of Bible knowledge.”

 Questions to Ask the Guy You’re Getting to Know

1. Does he desire God? Does he desire to know God? Does he desire to go deeper?
2. Is he dependent on his friends or parents to be spiritual?
3. What are his sexual boundaries and standards? 

3 Things to Look For in a Partner

• Loves God
• Works hard
• Humility

“If he has those three things, then he can grow, he can change, he can develop + adapt. But it’s really hard to be tied to an unbeliever, a lazy man, or a stubborn man.”

 Why you should date someone that share your faith / worldview?

• Phylicia recalls the time she was dating someone who didn’t share her faith. She was unsure if she should move forward, so she asked God for a sign. She received three.

• “You’ve known the truth all along.”

• 2 Corinthians 6:14 — “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.”…with fundamentally different worldviews you’re pulling in different directions—you want to be with someone who is moving forward with you.
• Since this episode went live, I do a deeper dive on the question: should I date / marry a Christian HERE.

Resources

• You can buy her book, Stop Calling Me Beautiful, here.
• Keep up with her at PhyliciaMasonheimer.com or on Instagram at @phyliciamasonheimer.

I’m an avid reader and always have at least 3 books going at once. Anyone else love getting lost in a good fiction book? I just got a new book I’m super excited about called The Lost and Found Bookshop by Susan Wiggs. This NYT Bestseller now in paperback is the perfect feel-good summer read for a beach read or your book club. Grab your copy anywhere books are sold or find more at SusanWiggs.com.

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

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Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #4. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!

Today’s TRC Remix episode is with Christian Sexologist Dr. Celeste Holbrook. In this conversation we unpack her experience growing up in purity culture, and her painfully awkward experience of having sex for the first time on her wedding day. Dr. Celeste offers insight and challenging questions like: How do we define sex? Why do we define it that way? What is sexuality? How is it different from sensuality? Dr. Celeste is raw, honest, and incredibly helpful in navigating a healthy, shame-free conversation around sex, desire, and pleasure...so here we go!

The Moment They Were Waiting For

• When she first had sex, it was extremely painful and not enjoyable for her.

• "I thought I was going to be rewarded with great sex."

• This disconnect between Celeste and her husband began to erode their relationship.

• "I felt a lot of shame for not living up to what I thought I should be sexually."

• She realized she never had good sex education. She decided to embark on a journey to unlearn shame, and to learn her body in a fresh way.

Deconstructing Sex And Shame

• "I went through that process so that I could enter into a sexual space and feel worthy of pleasure and sex that felt good."

• After experiencing breakthrough and pain-free sex, she made it her mission to help others in similar circumstances and pivoted from studying behavior to sexual behavior.

• "Although it's a natural biological thing, it doesn't come naturally. You have to learn how to do it just like riding a bike."

• Madonna Whore Complex: "You're shamed if you have too much sex and you're shamed if you have no sex. There's this pendulum that we can't seem to step out of."

What Is Sexuality?

• Sexuality is way more than just sex, desire, or physical intimacy. 

• "Sexuality is far more than that bottom layer of what it looks like biologically."

What Is Sex?

• A lot of single Christian women are wondering about physical boundaries in sex.
• 75% of women don't climax from vaginal sex—they climax from clitoral stimulation.
• Freud told women that to have an orgasm through clitoral stimulation is to be infantile.
• In 1998, neurologist Helen Connoll put the clitoris into the journal of sexual medicine.

• "Limiting the term 'sex' to 'penis' and 'vagina' is marginalizing and produces shame."

• Pleasure gets confused with hedonism, but pleasure is acknowledged in Matthew 6:26.

• "We can't have a conversation about pleasure and spirituality without having a conversation about sensuality."

What is Sensuality?

• "When we think about us as sensual beings, we are literally experiencing the creation and the creator through all five of our senses."

• Sensuality can be as simple as being in the moment. We can't experience our senses in the past or future… only the present.
• What does celibacy mean to you when sensuality and sexuality are closely related? You can embrace sensuality in these smaller ways before we have sex.

Books To Read:

• Sexless in the City by Kat Harris
• Sex God by Rob Bell
• Good Christian Sex by Bromleigh McCleneghan
• Shameless by Nadia Bolz-Weber
• Come As You Are by Dr. Emily Nagoski

If any parts of this conversation have felt triggering for you, just know that whatever you're feeling is valid. There is no judgement. Validate your feelings and then question why those feelings are coming up for you. "Our God is one that encourages curious questions and sincere questioning." Celeste has so many resources for you, including... 

Resources:

• 20 sex-enhancing questions for free on her website.
• She also offers free 30-minute discovery calls. If you have questions about anything we talked about today, go to her website and click on "30 Minute Discovery Call." 
• She also has courses for one on one consulting if that feels right for you.
• Keep up with Dr. Celeste on Instagram at @drcelesteholbrook. 

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This past year, I’ve been trying to perfect some recipes I can have in my back pocket when I have company. In all of these experiences, I realized how important it is to have good cooking tools. I just got a brand new knife set from MadeIn Cookware and it has been life-changing. Go to MadeInCookware.com/kat and use promo code KAT for 15% off your first order!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #3. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!

I am so excited to be chatting with my soul sister Kate Eskuri today! This episode we're talking all about PERIODS. Ladies (and gentleman), you're going to learn so much more about your period than you ever did in health class. Kate is a registered nurse, holistic health junkie, and the voice behind The Foundation Blog. Since recording this episode, she is officially a DNP aka a Doctor of Nursing Practice. She is passionate about helping women maximize their health with simple and foundational health practices. Our hope is that this conversation will empower you to do research and make informed decisions for that time of the month.

Finding The Balance

• Kate took a year off from being a nurse in the Mayo Clinic to work on her sister Jenna Kutcher's Goal Digger Podcast. During this time, she realized her passion for integrative health.

• "What are you doing when you're putting off something else?"

• She knows that areas of Western medicine need improvement, but also recognizes that this medicine is the reason we are alive today after seeing it in action in the ICU.

• However, chronic conditions that plague our country prove a need for a shift toward the holistic. We need to look at sleep, stress, and diet.

• "I feel very at home in this spot in the middle."

Becoming A Woman

• "Everything in my life was very natural but yet I was still controlling this really natural and beautiful cycle."

• Kate never felt any shame around her period. "I just felt honored and excited about it."

• Her periods were regular but were more frequent than they should have been. "It takes a while to normalize your cycle."

• Wanting to prevent this near constant bleeding, she tried the NuvaRing but ultimately settled on the Mirena IUD which allowed her to continue ovulating.

Cons of Hormonal Contraceptive

• "I completely trust my fellow woman to make the choice that is best for her. There is an option that is right for everybody."

• The hormones in contraceptives are not the exact hormones your body would make.
• Hormonal contraception often suppresses ovulation and ultimately suppresses hormones that are natural and have important benefits.

"You're inhibiting a very natural process that goes a lot deeper than just your period."

The Phases Of Your Cycle

Ladies + Gents--the below is just an overview...you gotta listen to the whole episode to get the goods of each phase of your cycle!

Menstruation/Winter

• Day 1: shedding the uterine lining.
• You're maybe feeling moody or withdrawn, experiencing cramps, and a need to slow down. It's like the 'winter' season of the cycle.

Follicular/Spring

• Day 3 or 4: Follicle stimulating hormone is working on the dominant egg.
• More energy in this phase, almost like stepping back into your skin.
• This time is good for creative projects and you'll experience clear thinking.

• "You feel energetic and attractive... it's just a really vibrant time."

Ovulation/Summer

• Body releases egg as the pituitary gland signals for it to release.

• "You can't kind of ovulate—you either ovulate or you don't."

• High energy, high sex drive, you feel attractive. Your hormones even make you more attractive to those around you. There is a study that shows a correlation between a woman's scent during ovulation and a man's attraction to her.

Luteal/Fall

• Progesterone—can make you moody and somber, but it's really important.

• "It is the yin to estrogen's yang."

• Progesterone is calming, helps sleep, reduces inflammation, + builds muscles.

• "The shift from being so estrogen dominant at parts of your cycle to progesterone dominant causes an influx of emotion—what we see as PMS."

Getting To Know Your Period

• "Your period health says a lot about your overall health."

• Track Your Cycle!
• Kate journals every morning and will write about how she is feeling on the previous day of her cycle. A few key words is all you need—nothing flashy!
• Kate uses the Ava app and Kat uses the My Flo app.

• "Your period story does not have to be suffering every month."

Books To Read:

• The Period Repair Manual by Laura Briden (textbook info in novel format)
• Hormonal by Martie Haselton (quick + easy relatable read)

Thoughts On Period Products

• Thoughts on tampons? "Invest in organic—it does matter." Regular tampons are covered in toxins.
• Thoughts on menstrual cups? Tampons are single use and create waste so this is a great alternative. Kate uses OrganiCup and LOVES it. "I can't believe I lived for so long without using it." It's easy to clean—simply boil between cycles. It may not be for everybody—some women say they experience more cramps using a cup.
• Thoughts on Thinx? Kate hasn't tried them, but Kat has some friends that swear by them and only use them during their periods.

• "Whatever makes you feel most at home and comfortable with your period… I say go for it."

• “It all comes back to the base of introducing small integrative habits into your day to live your most balanced and vibrant life."

Resources:

• Grab the organic menstrual cup I use here.
• Keep up with Kate on Instagram at @kate.eskuri
• Check out Kate’s website, thefoundationblog.com
• Read Kate’s blog post about using acupressure for periods!
• Sign up for Kate’s email list to get access to exclusive content.

I’m an avid reader and always have at least 3 books going at once. Anyone else love getting lost in a good fiction book? I just got a new book I’m super excited about called The Lost and Found Bookshop by Susan Wiggs. This NYT Bestseller now in paperback is the perfect feel-good summer read for a beach read or your book club. Grab your copy anywhere books are sold or find more at SusanWiggs.com.

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Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Welcome to the TRC Remix Series Part II. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!

Today is part TWO of a conversation on masturbation on the podcast. If you missed part one, check it out here before you listen to this episode. This week, I’ll be continuing a layered and nuanced conversation addressing the thing no one wants to say out loud, but everyone is dying to talk about: masturbation.

Is it a sin?

Does the Bible say anything about it?

Brokenness is the beginning of the gospel. —David Kim. 

Is Masturbation A Sin?

• My honest answer is: yes, no, maybe.
• All the way from Genesis to Revelation there’s this rhythm we see of death to life, brokenness to restoration, renewal and redemption.
• • [1]Clearly there is some real brokenness in how pleasure is approached, but if Jesus came to make all things new, is it possible that He could have a redemptive vision for this too?

• 1 Corinthians 6:12-13; 10:23
• • Paul says it twice: Everything is lawful, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.

How Can Masturbation Be A Win?

5 Things to Consider

Pleasure 

• God is for our pleasure. How do I know? Taste buds, sunsets, brownie sundaes, and the only purpose of the clitoris is pleasure.

Practice Healthy Consent

• Consent in sexual encounters whether it’s a hug or sex is VITAL. But if we don’t know what we want or what feels good we won’t have the tools to communicate our wants and needs.

• Masturbation can be a way to:
• • Know your body.
  • Know what feels good and doesn’t feel good.
  • And have the ability to communicate that. 

Mutual Honor and Acceptance

• We put on other people a tenth of what we put on ourselves. If I judge, shame, dismiss my sexual desire and in essence don’t accept it, how can I accept my partner’s?

Connection and Innocence

• To God:
• • Mark 12:29-30— love God with all of you.

• To self and others: 
• • Matthew 18:3— be like little children.
  • If little children can masturbate in innocence, can we not get back to that as well? 

Practice Being Present: Sensuality

• Dr. Celeste Holbrook, the Christian sexologist, describes sensuality beautifully: it’s the act of being present. She talks about how toddlers are the most sensual beings because they’re in a constant state of discovery.
• Porn and masturbation are not mutually exclusive.
• Removes fear and shame around body, self, and sexual desire.

5 Questions to Ask Yourself

Am I addicted to porn?

• I am not here to shame you if this is your story.
• Masturbation for a person addicted to porn would be like a drunk living at a bar. Not a win for you right now.
• Phylicia Masonheimer has some amazing resources for you around this topic.
• Sexuality can be activated by abuse. If that is your story, I am so sorry and remember that it is never your fault. Your sexuality is not tainted and you have permission to work through this.

Why am I feeling turned on right now? 

• 50 Shades of Grey, porn, or a normal Wednesday afternoon?
• What am I really looking for at this moment? Connection? Intimacy? Release?

How can I honor myself, God, and my future in this moment?

• Really take the time to answer this question for yourself. 

If shame weren’t a part of the conversation, how would I show up?

• Shame and fear is not the heart of God— Ephesians 3— rooted and grounded in love. Jesus came for the abundant life— not a spirit of fear, but of power!
• Is it possible to masturbate and stay present and not fantasize?
• Is it possible to remain in healthy community with myself, God and others and masturbate?
• Is it possible to experience self-pleasure and remain outward focused? Yes!
• Grace Alone: In every other area of our lives we’re willing to fumble, but sexually we’re so terrified. It’s like 1-strike you’re out and sent to the pit of hell. No!
• Just because some people may become alcoholics, doesn’t mean everyone will.

Who am I becoming? (Jon Tyson)

• What are the actions, words, choices of your life propelling you towards?
• When to discern if this is problematic behavior?
• • Porn/erotica.
  • Isolation.
  • Keeping you from relationship.
  • Distraction from everyday activities.
  • Can’t work, go out, or sleep without it— like any addiction.
  • Fantasy land vs. real life. 

So is masturbation a sin? Yes, no, maybe. Where is your heart? I have masturbated in all 3 scenarios. Give yourself permission to search your heart, to explore, and seek God’s heart. If fear is a part of the conversation, reject it!

Resources:

• Embrace Your Sexuality Mini Course.
• Sign up for one on one coaching with me here.
• Phylicia Masonheimer offers 7-day free content for those struggling with porn addiction.
• Celeste’s TRC episode: Purity Culture, Painful Sex + Debunking Shame Narrative
• Phylicia Masonheimer’s TRC episode: Who Should I Date?
• Jon Tyson’s TRC episode: Developing a New Vision for Christian Sexuality
• Grab a copy of my book, Sexless in the City!

Books to Read:

*** Note: I don’t agree with everything in these books, but they are great resources***

• Redeeming Sex by Debra Hirsch
• Mingling of the Souls by Matt Chandler
• Sex God by Rob Bell
• Theology of the Body for Beginners: A Basic Introduction to Pope John Paul II's Sexual Revolution by Christopher West
• Check out all of the books I recommend about God and Sex here.

[1] Timothy Keller. The Gospel in All Its Forms. Acts 29, December 12, 2008. https://www.acts29.com/tim-keller-explains-the-gospel/. Accessed September 10, 2019. Another incredible resource on this is the book Every Good Endeavor by Timothy Keller. It’s a book I wish  I would’ve read when I was in my 20s; it would’ve saved me a lot of heartache.

[2] “He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” (New International Version, Revelation 21:5).

I’m an avid reader and always have at least 3 books going at once. Anyone else love getting lost in a good fiction book? I just got a new book I’m super excited about called The Lost and Found Bookshop by Susan Wiggs. This NYT Bestseller now in paperback is the perfect feel-good summer read for a beach read or your book club. Grab your copy anywhere books are sold or find more at SusanWiggs.com.

You’ve probably heard a lot about collagen over the years and know several people who swear by it. I’m here to tell you that it’s worth the hype. Collagen helps reduce fine lines and helps ease joint discomfort— pretty cool, right? You can put it in everything from a smoothie to banana bread. Go to AncientNutrition.com and use code REFINED for 20% off your first order.

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