Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Trigger warning: Multiple discussions of sexual assault in this episode. 

Can you have conversations with people you don’t agree with theologically?

What does the Bible say about sex?

How can we reframe a dialogue around sex?

Is your sexual ethic rooted in fear?

You all know by now that I am a Christian and I am waiting for marriage to have sex. I thought it would be fun to have a conversation with a Christian who isn’t saving sex for marriage. And I couldn’t think of a better person to talk to. Brenda Marie Davies is the author of On Her Knees: Memoir of a Prayerful Jezebel and host of the YouTube channel and podcast God is Grey. She identifies as a progressive Christian and champions sex-positive, LGBTQ+ affirming, science-believing faith.

Reframing the dialogue

• “When you’re conflating your sexuality with this idea of pure or impure, you’re suddenly creating this black and white narrative.” - Brenda

• The phrase “sexual purity” can be particularly shaming and damaging for people who have experienced some sort of sexual assault.
• Even reframing the phrase “losing your virginity” to “having your sexual debut.” We don’t lose anything when we have sex.
• Brenda talks about how Ephesians is sometimes taken out of context to promote marital rape. This is not okay; there should always be enthusiastic consent.

• “If someone is not enthusiastically consenting to an experience, then they are being coersed into sex.” - Brenda

The swinging pendulum

• “My sexuality got completely hijacked by this ethic that was based on fear.” - Brenda

• Brenda talks about her experience at the polar opposite sides of views on sex. She recalls her experience being in a church that worshipped purity.

• “When we are living in these two polarities or extremes, you’re not just going to balance out in the middle… you don’t have the tools.” - Brenda

• “I think we flatten sexuality, we have flattened what it means to be human, and we have compartmentalized ourselves which I don’t think is a God theology.” - Kat Harris

• There is no way to reach a healthy sexual ethic by white-knuckling.

What does the Bible say about sex?

• Brenda talks about her relationship with the bible, especially when it comes to what it says about sex.
• You can find justifications in the Bible that says it is a sin and that says it is not a sin. 
• “Please don’t say I’m not a Christian… it’s not a salvation issue.” - Brenda

Resources

• Keep up with Brenda at GodisGrey.com and on IG at @godisgrey.
• Listen to Brenda’s podcast, God is Grey, here.
• Listen to my conversation with Brenda on her podcast here.
• Listen to the TRC episode about why being pro-birth is not enough here.
• Listen to the TRC episode about sexual desire here.
• Read Brenda’s book On Her Knees here.

It is finally HERE! My book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex is officially available online and in bookstores! If your copy arrives, make sure you post on social media and tag me! It makes my day to see it in your hands and I can’t wait for you to dive in.

Whether it’s taking a walk around your neighborhood, running errands, or venturing out on your own, you always want to feel safe. With Birdie, you can keep doing what you love with added peace of mind. Birdie is a personal safety alarm that is easy to carry and simple to use. You can get 15% off your first purchase when you go to ShesBirdie.com/refined.

For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… what it’s like to date as a person with a public platform and sharing my own deconstruction of my faith. There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Drumroll please…

My book Sexless in the City launches next week! And so for the first time ever, I’m reading my book on the podcast this week. Here is chapter 1 of my book: My Breaking Point.

As you leave this episode, I want you to reflect on these questions:

1. What did you learn about sex from home? Church? School? 
2. Up until this point, what are the beliefs you have held about dating, desire, and sex?
3. When and why did you start adhering to these beliefs?
4. What questions do you still have?

For those of you who have pre-ordered, email [email protected] to claim your free bonus goodies! What sort of bonus goodies?

• Digital download of my Sexless in the City Resource Guide.
• Digital download of the first two chapters of my book.
• Discount to the whole TRW shop.

Haven’t pre-ordered yet? There’s still time to!

Go to sexlessinthecitybook.com and scroll down to see all of the places you can pre-order from. Then screenshot your receipt and send to [email protected] and we’ll make sure you get your pre-order goodies right to your inbox.

Why am I asking you to pre-order? Pre-ordering is actually one of the biggest ways you can support me and my book launch. The number of pre-order sales tells places like Barnes and Noble and Amazon how many books they should have in stock. I want my book to be available in allll the stores and that only happens if there is a demand for the book in stores! So thank you THANK YOU to everyone who has already pre-ordered. I hope you enjoy the bonus goodies as a token of my appreciation. 

I can’t wait for you all to dive into my book!

When it comes to paying off debt, it can often feel like an uphill battle. Upstart can help you get ahead. It is the fast and easy way to pay off your debt with a personal loan all online. Unlike other lenders, Upstart looks at more than just your credit score, so they can offer smarter rates with trusted partners. Go to Upstart.com/refined to see how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

We are back with part two of the conversation I had with the hosts of the Nights at the Round Table Podcast (actress/comedian, Anjelah Johnson; singer/songwriter/producer, Manwell Reyes; and story-teller/preacher Brandon Smith). If you missed part one all about doubt and faith, go ahead and listen to that here. This week, we’re gonna talk about sex, ba-by. All of these guests are married and so I just had to ask them: Did you wait for marriage to have sex? Was it really worth the wait? Make sure you stay until the very end for this one!

Anjelah’s Waiting

• Anjelah shares that her wedding night was awful (it’s not like the movies, y’all).
• She recognized that she had a lot of work to do in unpacking purity culture and the narratives that she was taught growing up.

• “Even learning and exploring to say ‘okay, maybe we could try toys or a vibrator,’ that was so bad.” -Anjelah

Manwell’s Experience

• Manwell did not wait for marriage to have sex, but he clarifies that he wasn’t having casual sex either.

• “Then I got saved and I was really scared of sex.” -Manwell

Brandon’s Waiting

• Having grown up in a very Christian space, Brandon was taught to never have sex before marriage and it instilled a fear in him.
• He shares his experiences in shutting down any sexual desire or thoughts.
• His wedding night was special for him and his wife (who also waited for marriage).

Poll Responses

• 69% of people on IG would wait again if they had to do it all over
• 75% of people in my personal life would wait again if they had to do it all over
• I also share some stories that some friends and followers sent in about their experiences, so make sure you tune in to the full episode!

Resources

• For all things Manwell’s music, go to ManwellReyes.com.
• For all things Anjelah, go to Anjelah.com.
• Check out Laugh on Beat to keep up with all things NATRT here.
• Check out Nights at the Round Table on iTunes here.
• Listen to my episode on Nights at the Round Table here.
• Check out TRC 145: Deconstruction 101 with Nights at the Round Table here.
• Check out my Patreon video on how it feels to hear these things as someone who is waiting for marriage to have sex: watch here.

The countdown is ON for my book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex. It’s coming out in just over a month and you can still pre-order! It would mean so much to me if you did. Head over to sexlessinthecitybook.com to grab your copy! 

Make sure you send an email to [email protected] so you can get your pre-order goodies, like a digital download of the first two chapters to read right now, a resource and journaling guide, and a discount to my shop!

For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… how to answer the question “why are you still single?” How to know if your standards are too high. And an update on my dating life. YUP! There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Today marks a first on The Refined Collective Podcast… I have three guests on at the same time. Why? Because I just needed to talk to all of the hosts of the Nights at the Round Table Podcast. My guests are actress/comedian, Anjelah Johnson; singer/songwriter/producer, Manwell Reyes; and story-teller/preacher Brandon Smith. In this episode of TRC, we talk a lot about deconstruction, sex, and doubts. All four of us love God but have a different spiritual journey with God— and that is okay. 

Manwell’s Deconstruction

• Manwell shares where his own spiritual journey began and how he began to question the black and white and step into the grey.

• “I find myself more on the sides of people questioning than the people who swear to the good Lord Jesus that they’re correct.” -Manwell Reyes

Brandon’s Deconstruction

• Brandon opens up about how reading Brian Zhar’s From Water to Wine marked a transformation in his spiritual journey.

• “I’m allowed to have doubts and that is perfectly okay. I believe more in Jesus today than I did when I thought I had it all figured out.” -Brandon Smith

Anjelah’s Deconstruction

• Anjelah reflects on entering the church as a child and shares her experience with purity culture. Her deconstruction didn’t start until after her marriage when she started questioning the views the church has towards the LGBTQ community.

• “Something is not sitting right about being a Christian if that is what being a Christian is.” -Anjelah Johnson

Resources

• For all things Manwell’s music, go to ManwellReyes.com.
• For all things Anjelah, go to Anjelah.com.
• Check out Laugh on Beat to keep up with all things NATRT here.
• Check out Nights at the Round Table on iTunes here.
• Listen to my episode on Nights at the Round Table here.
• Buy Brian Zahnd’s Water to Wine: Some of My Story here.
• Buy John Stott’s book Your Mind Matters here.

What came up for you today?

What questions are you afraid of asking?

Why aren’t you asking them?

What things have you accepted as true without doing your own research?

Next week, the hosts of the Nights at the Round Table Podcast are back for part two of our conversation where we talk all about sex. Specifically, if they had to do it all over again, would they still wait until marriage to have sex?

The countdown is ON for my book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex. It’s coming out in just over a month and you can still pre-order! It would mean so much to me if you did. Head over to sexlessinthecitybook.com to grab your copy! 

Real talk… After spending a whole pandemic in sweatpants, I decided to freshen up my wardrobe so I have been shopping and selling on Curtsy. I love it because they have the coolest pieces at thrift store prices. It has my favorite brands like Lululemon, Zara, and Levi’s at up to 70% off. If you want a sustainable way to get your favorite brands delivered to your door, download the Curtsy app and use promo code REFINED for 15% off your first order.

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This week, you’re in for a real treat. I’m doing a 3-part podcast series with fellow podcasters + single gals: Carrie Lloyd + Kait Warman. Carrie is a pastor, author, and podcast host. Kait is a relationship coach, podcast host, and author. 

The three of us are doing a series where we’re talking about dating in today’s culture on an episode of each of our podcasts + all three episodes are live this week! 

1. The Women Tell All Part I: Should I marry a Christian?
2. The Women Tell All Part II: Scarcity mindset + casual dating.
3. The Women Tell All Part III: Why are they still single?

Today on TRC we’re talking about… is it a sin to date a man who isn’t a Christian? What do we do with the reality that there are more women in the church than men?

“Is it possible that for different people God could be doing a different thing?” - Kat Harris

Where are all of the single Godly men?

• There are way more women in the church than men. I remember years ago when a pastor of mine said that based on numbers alone, so many Christian women are never going to find a Christian man to marry.
• Kait notes that men are asking women out, but they’re just asking the same women out over and over again.
• Carrie shares how it may not be a matter of matching up men and women as we consider that the men in the church may also be exploring their sexuality. 

“I’m always looking for the fruit of the spirit in someone… not just that they say they love Jesus.” - Carrie Lloyd

Is it a sin to date/marry someone who is not Christian?

• Carrie shares her experiences in dating Christian men as an atheist and then dating non-Christian men as a Christian. She notes that we need to have more grace and kindness in this area.
• I wonder if we put different expectations on men and women. Women aren’t “allowed” to date a non-Christian but men are because they’re expected to be a spiritual leader.
• Kait shares her perspective that there needs to be more nuance around the conversation than sin or not a sin. She also opens up about an experience where she dated a man who walked the Christian walk but behind closed doors was abusive.
• Carrie shares how even if someone decides to marry a non-Christian, they have to be honest with themselves about whether or not they’re holding an expectation for their spouse to become a Christian after they’re married.

“I have dated lots of guys who have walked and talked the Christian talk but yet in their hearts, they’re not actually becoming like Jesus.” - Kait Warman

If you liked this episode:

• Listen to Ben Stuart on TRC: That’s What He Said: Where Are All the Single Godly Men?
• Listen to Phylicia Masonheimer on TRC: Who Should I Date?
• Listen to my reflection on dating Christian men: FaceTime Dates, Politics, + Double Standards: How 2020 Has Forever Changed Dating
• Check out my Patreon video “Should I look for a spiritual leader when I'm dating?”

Resources for Carrie:

• Keep up with Carrie at CarrieLloyd.live and on IG at @carriegracey.
• Check out Carrie’s books, The Virgin Monologues, Prude: Misconceptions Of A Neo-Virgin, and The Noble Renaissance: Reclaiming the Lost Virtue of Nobility.
• Listen to Carrie’s solo episode of TRC on grief here.
• Listen to Carrie’s podcast, Carrie On.

Resources for Kait:

• Keep up with Kait at heartofdating.com and on IG at @kaitness and @heartofdating.
• Check out Kait’s book, Thank You For Rejecting Me.
• Listen to Kait’s solo episodes of TRC on dropping the hanky, online dating and rejection.
• Listen to Kait’s podcast, The Heart of Dating.

The countdown is ON for my book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex. It’s coming out in just over a month and you can still pre-order! It would mean so much to me if you did. Head over to sexlessinthecitybook.com to grab your copy! 

For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… how to get over a breakup and what it’s really like to date as a person with a public platform. There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

This week is a solo show— just you and me, babe! This could potentially be a 5-part series, but I wanted to see how you liked it first because your opinion matters in all things TRC, friend! This is a community and you have a voice. So DM me on IG, email me, comment over on Patreon...and let me know if you want more of this series!

As the title suggests… Strong women run in my DNA. 

My dad’s mother, my Gaw Gaw, was a realtor and business owner. She was always starting new business ventures in the 60s. 

My mom’s mother, my grandma, was a stay at home mom and traveled all over the world. She primarily solo raised her four children because her husband, my grandfather, was always off in wars. She was also an incredible artist who would sketch fashion for brands and newspapers.

My own mom is a fiery, passionate, opinionated woman. When my parents got divorced and she didn’t have a college degree, she took care of and provided for her four children almost single-handedly with a part-time job working retail and teaching herself how to invest into the stock market.

I am a strong woman. If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you know that I am a woman of strength. I do not hide in the shadows. I am out there and I have things to say. 

But for so long, my femininity has felt like a liability. Both in my work and in church.

It almost felt as though to be a Christian I had to downplay who God created me to be: a strong, opinionated, loud, leader of a woman.

I played the game for a long time. But I finally got to a point where I wanted to search the scriptures for myself and figure out if there’s another option other than what society and church tells me my femininity is.

So today I want to explore Hannah’s story in the Bible.

Hannah’s Legacy

• 1 Samuel 1:19 // “And God remembered Hannah”
• Hannah’s debut in the Bible is a declaration of her barrenness— her infertility is a tender part of her story.
• And she lived in a time where women had no rights. Marriage’s rooted in love, honor, and respect were not a thing.
• Her pain became enmeshed in her identity. What if your biggest heartbreak, your biggest source of shame and insecurity is the thing you were known for and your own family made fun of you for it? Maybe you’ve lived this pain.
• Hannah would offer sacrifices to the Hebrew God. She would weep and cry out to God for a child.
• Instead of shaming her, Eli blesses her and prays with her for her miracle.
• She doesn’t get immediately pregnant, but this experience lifted the fog of depression she was experiencing. 
• She went on to have 6 children. She named her first child Samuel, which means “God heard.”

God hears us. He is moved to compassion and action on our behalf. Our prayers don’t go into the abyss.

Some questions to reflect on:

• What’s the most painful part of your story? 
• What would it feel like for that to be what you’re known for?
• In what ways do you think Hannah exhibits strength as a woman?
• In what ways is Hannah’s femininity her greatest asset?
• What is the thing in your life you are begging God for? The breakthrough that feels impossible.

Lay out the cries of your heart before God.

Resources

• Listen to TRC Ep 048: How to Praise Before Our Breakthrough here.
• If you liked this episode, let me know! I would love to share more of this series if you’re interested. Slide into my DMs or leave a review on iTunes sharing your thoughts!

The countdown is ON for my book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex. It’s coming out in just over a month and you can still pre-order! It would mean so much to me if you did. Head over to sexlessinthecitybook.com to grab your copy! 

Whether it’s taking a walk around your neighborhood, running errands, or venturing out on your own, you always want to feel safe. With Birdie, you can keep doing what you love with added peace of mind. Birdie is a personal safety alarm that is easy to carry and simple to use. You can get 15% off your first purchase when you go to ShesBirdie.com/refined.

For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… doubting my faith and my fertility journey. There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up!

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

Dr. Christie Kederian is a psychologist and a former eHarmony matchmaker. She now offers coaching from everything to life, career, and dating/relationships. You may recognize her from when she took over my Instagram stories a while back. We talk about our reactions to Indian Matchmaking on Netflix, the science behind compatibility, removing the pressure from dating, and best practices for online dating.

“You can find two people who look like they could be a good match on paper… but we can’t predict all the factors because we’re dealing with people.”

The science behind compatibility 

• Dr. Niel Clark Warren started eHarmony and researched the 29 dimensions of compatibility. 

• “Even though they say opposites attract, often it’s people who are really similar in very important ways that end up having and creating long lasting love in a relationship.”

• Consider...
• • How are we similar in important ways?
  • Personality tests like the Myers Briggs. The 2nd and 3rd letters in your Myers Briggs are a reflection of your internal world. The more these pieces are in alignment, the more compatible you are.
• Don’t look for someone to complete you and fill in the missing pieces.

Let’s talk about spark and chemistry

• “Ladies, if it’s peaceful it’s marriage material. If it’s got ‘I wonder if he’s going to text me back today’ energy; it’s trauma not yet healed.”

• The #1 way to know if he’s the one for you: if he’s been consistent over time.
• Know what is triggering your attachment style and learn to show up in wholeness
• • Notice where your mind is going and journal through and process what old narratives or traumas it is bringing up for you.
  • If you are seeking clarity, don’t be afraid to check in and talk about it— no matter how early on it is in the relationship. Clarity allows you to move forward and act out of a non-triggered place.
  • Notice patterns and then clarify. Are you making stories in your mind and acting on assumption?

Dating is a curb, not a cliff

• You can date someone with integrity without fantasizing about the wedding on the first date and expecting full commitment from them immediately.
• Get clear on what you want and then surrender to the process. If 2020 taught me anything, it’s that I don’t have as much control as I think.
• Maybe you’re not getting naked with them physically, but are you getting naked emotionally on the first date? There is no shortcut to intimacy. 

• “It’s ok to be dating and just be dating.” Not every relationship has to be exclusive.

Dating apps best practices

• “The dating app is a tool; it’s more about how you use the tool rather than what’s the perfect app.”

• Hinge, Bumble, and Coffee Meets Bagel are all great. Give different apps a try.
• If you’re in a bigger city, use the silver bullet swipe method.
• • What’s the most important quality you’re looking for?
• Stick with the app that you feel comfortable being consistent on.

Resources

• Keep up with Dr. Christie at DrChristieKederian.com and on IG at @thedatedoctorchristie.
• Download Dr. Christie’s free guide: 3 Proven Dating Profile Upgrades. 
• Check out Dr. Christie’s Instagram post we chat about.
• Join the waitlist for Dr. Christie's Fall in Love Course here.

The countdown is ON for my book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex. It’s coming out in just a few weeks and you can still pre-order! It would mean so much to me if you did. Head over to bit.ly/kat-sexless to grab your copy!

We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

Real talk… After spending a whole pandemic in sweatpants, I decided to freshen up my wardrobe so I have been shopping and selling on Curtsy. I love it because they have the coolest pieces at thrift store prices. It has my favorite brands like Lululemon, Zara, and Levi’s at up to 70% off. If you want a sustainable way to get your favorite brands delivered to your door, download the Curtsy app and use promo code REFINED for 15% off your first order.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Demetria Stallings is the founder of Letters of the Heart, a nonprofit ministry with the mission of empowering individuals to understand their true identity and purpose. She is also a speaker, worship leader, artist, and purpose coach! We talk about how to identify if you’re stuck in the trauma of your past, how to begin the process of looking inward, and practical steps you can take right now so that your past doesn’t haunt you.

“Any journey starts by looking inward.” - Kat

The past will haunt you

• “I have many times over recreated the pain of my past because I wasn’t willing to look at it.” - Kat

• Demetria shares her experience of going through divorce 12 years ago and how it enabled fear to creep its way into her dating life.

• “These patterns started happening when I would meet certain guys… it would be in this cycle of me not feeling worthy and so because I wasn’t worthy, I constantly was okay with behaviors that were not good for me.” - Demetria

How to identify if you’re stuck in the trauma of your past

1. ALWAYS/NEVER statements.
2. A Refusal to look inward.
3. You spot it you got it.
4. When the crime doesn’t fit the punishment.

“Make a choice. Just decide. What it's gonna be, who you're gonna be, how you're gonna do it. Just decide.” - Will Smith

How to begin the process of looking inward

• Get curious.
• Notice.
• Invest. 
• Be intentional.
• Get support.
• Go to God. Sit in stillness.

Practical steps you can take right now

• Week: Decide what is going to change in your life.
• Month: Put steps in place to move forward. Have a friend who will hold you accountable.
• Year: Set a goal and establish a celebration.

“You have the strength to say yes. There is courage inside of you. You are not a cat. You are a lioness.” - Demetria

Resources

• Keep up with Demetria at DemetriaStallings.com and on IG at @demetria.stallings.
• Check out Demetria’s nonprofit Letters of the Heart.
• Check out Demetria’s music on Apple Music and Spotify.
• Check out Demetria’s new course, Living a Prophetic Life.
• Sign up for coaching with Demetria here.

Did you know I’m releasing a book this April? It’s called Sexless in the City. I truly believe it will encourage and equip you to navigate faith, desire, intimacy, and relationships free from shame and fear and with a holistic and Biblical vision. I would be so grateful if you snagged a copy. You can pre-order it right now anywhere you buy books. When you pre-order, make sure you email [email protected] because I would love to send you some free goodies and resources as a thank you.

I really value the Patreon community that helps keep this podcast a possibility for me. So in addition to the other rewards, I started filming weekly videos exclusively for my supporters on Patreon. It’s basically like we’re just sitting on the couch having some real talk. I feel comfortable sharing more intimate details of my life over there since it’s a smaller community. So head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to get access to videos like “Doubting My Faith,” “My Fertility Journey,” “New Home Tour,” and so much more. 

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This week I am talking with host of the Heart of Dating Podcast, and author of Thank You For Rejecting Me… Kait Warman! Kait is a dear friend of mine and if you’ve been listening to the podcast for a while, you know that she has been on the podcast before talking about dropping the hanky and how to online date like a boss. Today, in honor of her book, we are opening up about some of our own personal experiences with rejection.

Rejection isn’t always romantic

• It’s important to acknowledge all the ways you’re actually rejecting yourself. Self-hatred is probably appearing in your life in subtle ways.

• “I will not stay, not ever again - in a room or conversation or relationship or institution that requires me to abandon myself.” - Glennon Doyle, Untamed

• I reflect on an experience where I felt rejected in a friendship recently over quarantine.

• “I believed the narratives that other people put on me and then I rejected myself.” - Kat

• Kait reflects on a moment where she received grace and forgiveness from a guy, but she never offered herself that same grace and forgiveness.

Rejection is protection

• Sometimes our biggest heartbreaks help us realize past traumas and hurts that we haven’t healed or even acknowledged.

• “I need to not give scraps of love to myself. I need to give myself the full bucket of love.” - Kait

• Kait reflects on a vision God gave her where she was going through the wilderness and found herself at a castle where she saw the guy she was dating. But God was calling her further and this man wasn’t leaving the castle. God was leading her to something more but she had to keep moving and growing.

• “I’m so glad He didn’t give me what I wanted... There was so much He wanted me to adventure to beyond that.” - Kait

• The “no”s hurt, even when they’re for your greater good.

Resources

• You can keep up with Kait at heartofdating.com and on IG at @kaitness and @heartofdating.
• Listen to Kait’s podcast, Heart of Dating, here.
• Check out Kait’s other episodes of The Refined Collective here and here.
• Order Kait’s brand new book, Thank You For Rejecting Me, here!
• Check out Glennon Doyle’s book, Untamed, here.

Did you know I’m releasing a book this April? It’s called Sexless in the City. I truly believe it will encourage and equip you to navigate faith, desire, intimacy, and relationships free from shame and fear and with a holistic and Biblical vision. I would be so grateful if you snagged a copy. You can pre-order it right now anywhere you buy books. When you pre-order, make sure you email [email protected] because I would love to send you some free goodies and resources as a thank you.

I really value the Patreon community that helps keep this podcast a possibility for me. So in addition to the other rewards, I started filming weekly videos exclusively for my supporters on Patreon. It’s basically like we’re just sitting on the couch having some real talk. I feel comfortable sharing more intimate details of my life over there since it’s a smaller community. So head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to get access to videos like “Doubting My Faith,” “My Fertility Journey,” “New Home Tour,” and so much more. 

Real talk… After spending a whole pandemic in sweatpants, I decided to freshen up my wardrobe so I have been shopping and selling on Curtsy. I love it because they have the coolest pieces at thrift store prices. It has my favorite brands like Lululemon, Zara, and Levi’s at up to 70% off. If you want a sustainable way to get your favorite brands delivered to your door, download the Curtsy app and use promo code REFINED for 15% off your first order.

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Adam “AD” Thomason is the author of Permission to Be Black: My Journey with Jay-Z and Jesus and the founder of I Am Red Rev and Red Rev Media. You know I love talking about Jay-Z and Jesus. We also talk about everything from blackness to healing past trauma to debunking unhealthy narratives from evangelical culture.

“I am writing this book to redefine Blackness and establish a new ‘Black Card,’ so to speak. Carriers of this car will no longer be ashamed of admitting that past traumas have hurt them….Trauma isn’t just war flashbacks. It’s having to raise your siblings because you were fatherless. It’s have to raise yourself because your mother was dealing with her own crises. It’s having a father who left you and your siblings at home while he roamed the streets looking for a fix. It’s being neglected because you were raised by a single parent who dealt with their trauma in silence.” -AD Thomason, Permission to Be Black

Permission to Be Black

• AD reflects on how as a Black man, he felt he didn’t have the permission to heal from his past and process his humanity.
• AD opens up about how the Black experience is intertwined with the idea of endurance and surviving. Has a survivor mentality kept you from experiencing abundance?

Living a Life of Endurance

• “Marriage was the only thing that grounded me to say, ‘Adam, you can’t endure this thing. Either this thing is going to be about an imperfect joy you should have or this mentality of endurance is gonna crush you.’” -AD

The Problem with Avoidance

• “Until we’re internally motivated, then we’re not going to be free from our addictions or the shoulds and the shouldn’ts.” -Kat

Confessions of an Ex-Evangelical:

• AD’s last book was about leaving the Evangelical Church in order to find Jesus.
• AD reflects on the trauma of having to shrink himself in every way in the church.

• “In the end, they miss out on expanding their congregation’s mind to see the expression of God.” -AD

• “I believe Blackness is an expression of God; it’s an expression of humanity… To shun it is to shun God.” -AD

Resources

• Keep up with AD’s work at I Am Red Rev and Red Rev Media.
• Follow AD on Instagram at @redrev.
• Buy AD’s book, Permission to Be Black: My Journey with Jay-Z and Jesus.
• Check out AD’s book Confessions of an Ex-Evangelical: Why I left Christianity and started practicing Jesus.
• Check out Dawntoya Thomason’s podcast, Something to Offer.
• Research Jalen Rose and Grant Hill and see how Blackness was defined for these two men.

To honor Black History Month, I am spending time this month talking about companies and organizations that I love that are run and founded by Black men and women. This week, I want to share about Elevate NY, a non-profit with a mission to build long-term life-changing relationships with the youth in the South Bronx, the most underserved congressional district in the nation. Go to ElevateNewYork.org to find out how you can get involved.

Whether it’s taking a walk around your neighborhood, running errands, or venturing out on your own, you always want to feel safe. With Birdie, you can keep doing what you love with added peace of mind. Birdie is a personal safety alarm that is easy to carry and simple to use. You can get 15% off your first purchase when you go to ShesBirdie.com/refined.

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