The Ride of My Life Podcast

Ok, this is a big deal. It’s not easy for me to be so transparent and to share my story. I have been in isolation and protection mode for a really long time.

I am being diligent about walking through the fear of all of this. This is so important.

Lots of things stirring, some stress rising to the surface and big changes on the horizon, although I have no clue, fully what they are. My crystal ball was lost a while ago. Sometimes I wish I did know but then where would be the fun or the adventure of the unknown? Haha

I was up again early on Monday morning, 11/22. I slept for a little while and then that was it, I woke up at one and was up until 5. I managed to go back to sleep for another hour and a half. I had just been  working through this part of moving my stuff into storage by fitting everything in my car. Hahaha

It is really putting me through a test here.

I have been using all of my self-help tools to get through this. I’m ok until I start to think. Then it’s game over.

So today is the ride back down to South Florida to spend time with friends and family for Thanksgiving week and get prepared for the next leg of the journey.

My next step with the car: connect with the carpenter. He was supposed to call and didn’t. One of my reactions has been that when I don’t hear from someone, my old belief kicks in that “no one is there for me.” It’s certainly not as bad as it was in the past because I know that is bull pocky, but, nevertheless, it showed up.

And so, I sat with that. Used to, I would go into complete anxiety attack, in “I need to be in control” mode and nothing ever worked when I was in that space. Times have changed, things are different. I waited and had a quick text with him, and I will be talking to him when I get down there.

Turned out to be a long day. It felt like the Universe was testing me at every angle!

The drive to South Florida was uneventful. Once I got into town, I had many things to accomplish in not a lot of time. It’s been a long 48 hours of packing the car, driving, unpacking the car into storage (and I still need to organize everything), shipping some items at the post office…

I have to laugh at this one because here is where things got a little hairy. I couldn’t find my tape and also thought that all of the packages to be shipped had a QR code from an email so I could easily ship them. I took a chance and headed to the post office and found out that, no, I did not have those QR codes and could not ship the first time. Notice, I said the first time. Round 1…

So, I drove back to my friend’s house where I’m staying and ended up unpacking my car to look for the tape! At least the car got unpacked quickly!

Anyway, I did find some other tape and used that, printed out the labels and headed back to the post office into Round 2.

Now what?

There was an accident at the intersection just prior to the road I need to turn on. I couldn’t get through. I had 20 minutes and ended up having to find a different route to get there.

Yay! I managed to get there with 15 minutes to spare and the woman I spoke to earlier let me bypass the 20-person line up and come up to the window. Done!

The rest of the day kept going and going and finally I was kaput. That was it for me!

By the way, I found the tape after that adventure. And guess where it was…?

In a small bag that I purposely put the tape in so I wouldn’t lose it, sitting there, taunting me, on a chair in the room I’m staying in.

I think I was on overload… ya think?

I already knew this week would be rough in having a lot going on and that was just the 1st day!

Moving into Tuesday, 11/23, working with and going through some emotions on the changes happening and another update on the car.

I finally had the phone call I needed to have with the carpenter. It turns out that I will be waiting a little while to build the platform as it doesn’t fit into the budget I have right now. So, I am looking into alternatives for now that I can still use later on, even with having a platform.

And finally, today (11/24)…

A lot is coming up for me and the healing work continues. In the process of coming to South Florida, I have not done my Starfish exercises. The nausea curtailed the consistency of the exercise. I just didn’t have time to lay down to rest and relieve the nausea.

Hoping to get back to it soon with all that is going on.

Breathing is necessary… deep breathing even more. Just walking through all of this and sitting with the challenging emotions that are coming up.

This morning I had an ah-hah moment once again about my money beliefs.

I want to share what has been coming up for me about this. In order to feel safe and secure (and in control, in the past) I would do things to “buy time.” I had always been in a lack mentality and for years it showed up in the fear, from the trauma and safety/security needs.

It is my thought at this point that this all showing up to remind me again about staying in the moment and gratitude. This is huge in this process.

Also, the mind plays lovely tricks on us to protect us from things outside of ourselves that are dangerous… like a tiger chasing us. In most cases, I would think, at this point in time, there are no tigers chasing us, but that is what this Fight/Flight Stress response was built for… danger.

With the Stress Response in stuck mode, we think everything that doesn’t feel good is dangerous or life threatening. It isn’t, but it can feel that way. Especially from having traumas that have occurred in our life.

In learning about the Retained Moro Reflex or Stress Reflex in infants, and how that all works with these Starfish exercises, that seems to be part of this stress response that I am discovering about myself.

I have gone into this hypervigilance to protect myself from my world crashing in on me. And it has and sometimes still feels like it does. The best way for me to explain this is that my body begins to shake, and my heart rate goes up and it feels like everything is going to just blow up or fall apart.

The fear and trauma caused my body throughout my life, to feel unsafe and so in my need to control what was going on around me through the hypervigilance, I lost track of myself; lost and scared.

And, I have been constantly in the Stress Response… actually for years. That’s what many of us go through.

So now, to walk through this, I just sit with the feeling of fear and do the breathwork and remind myself I am grateful and ok in this moment and this moment is all there is. That is how I work with my mind, telling myself this helps me. The breathwork helps my body calm down.

Little by little, this is all healing for me. I am seeing shifts in all of this.

Changing my thoughts, sitting with the emotions, breathing through, learning about myself, and releasing these beliefs, are changing and recreating my life.

I am grateful and happy to be alive and in the moment.

Today is a good day on The Ride of My Life.

The Ride of My Life Blog is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Well, I will tell you this. This past Thursday, the 18th was an interesting day. I was sitting at a local coffee shop working on getting my Podcast uploaded and ended up meeting two very interesting people on my journey. I was thrilled because I love when this happens.

Sometimes it throws me off my blogging and podcasting game. It is teaching me to go with the flow.

First of all, this coffee shop, Haven Coffee Roasters, in Winter Haven, FL, has some incredible people there. I don’t drink coffee, but I can say it smells delicious. I do drink tea and the ones I have had there were amazing, especially at this time of year with the Pumpkin Spice… mmmm my favorite. They will mix up your coffee or tea however you like it. The people, hospitality and vibes are amazing. I loved doing my work in there.

The Universe provided me with two incredible human beings in one place, in addition to the time I spent at the coffee shop. Strangers were there to assist me with a couple of things. Just grateful.

And then…

Doing the exercises is continuing to bring fear up to the surface for me to look at. Waking up on the morning of 11/19/2021, at 3:20 am. I am not going to get into the gist of what happened, but I will say it was definitely a trigger for me on something someone had told me. I was up until 6 am and then went back to sleep for a little while.

I found that the trigger was body fear and that the actual thing that was triggering me was not even happening. I was feeling like I was in the past while firmly rooted in the present moment. It was a Complex PTSD flashback and I really had to struggle to sit with it because it was too early to go for a walk which is something I do to get my body moving to relieve the stress.

So, at this point, I feel much better and am looking forward to seeing what comes next. Oh boy!

Staying in a high vibration even through the healing and challenges. It feels like it is getting easier some days to walk through it.

11/20/2021 – Talking about walking through stuff. This was a day of boundary protection. It is not easy because I was raised to be a people pleaser. Letting anyone walk over me was the name of the game. I am learning daily that when someone else’s behavior and fears start to penetrate my peace, I get to either say something or walk away. I was in a couple of positions yesterday where I also learned that not saying anything is a good thing too. That one was a challenge because I was a captive audience and really couldn’t leave. I just sat there and sent the person love, there was obviously something big going on with them. I’m finding that there are always options… and people pleasing is not one of them.

Also, as far as the car goes, I was able to discuss more about the next step in setting up an appointment with the carpenter, while I am back in South Florida over Thanksgiving. I’m really looking forward to that.

Today is a good day. I feel, well… interesting. I can’t explain it, but I know that things are working out even though my body feels like it is twisting into a knot of being scared about all this. Obviously, it is nothing I have ever worked on or done in my life.

I know deeply that this is meant to be. I am not going to the grave with my music still in me and this is my music that I wish to share. I have felt for a very long time that if I am able to walk through the trauma I went through and still be able to live my life on my terms, that it will open the door for others to do this.

I do it out of truth and love for myself and for others. I am also learning, though, that if someone doesn’t resonate with what I am doing or saying, that is ok. There are plenty of people that these “someone’s” can follow, it doesn’t have to be me.

Last thing… once again, I have found that I am pushing too hard on how to get this blog and podcast out there. Things are shifting quickly now and by the time you see this, I will have readjusted how I am doing this, again, for my self-care to be able to be a part of my routine. I simply ran out of time and energy to self-care and that, my dears, is not an option.

And we come to today…

Walking through the past few days and talking care of myself and allowing information to come through so I know what I am doing.

In the past, I tried to control my every move so I wouldn’t be surprised. Like I said, hypervigilance was the name of the game for me. For me to control my outward circumstances meant that I was fully in control of my life because I had always felt so out of control.

Well, my friends, that is a farce; it is so not true. There will always be something that doesn’t go as planned.

Open broad planning seems to be the way to go, not too specific because when something doesn’t pan out, there is disappointment. Probably added to more disappointment, especially if this is something that has been done your whole life, like I’ve been doing.

So, my learnings over the weekend are to go with the flow of whatever is coming up and “Don’t panic!” Everything is working out as is should for my highest good and for the next steps in this experimental process!

It is absolutely challenging and slowly but surely I am coming to understand more things about myself and my life.

I had plenty of time to work through a lot as I was packing, organizing and clearing out, once again.

I hope that you are able to gain something from my experiment and these blog/podcasts.

As of right now, I am on hold with the car and… hmmm, I’m ok with it. A shocker for me!

As we continue to go on this Ride of My Life together, I invite you to connect with me if you have any questions or just feel the need to connect! LOL

On to my next destination, back to South Florida, to prepare and tie up loose ends. Have a beautiful day!

The Ride of My Life Blog is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Well, I can’t even begin to tell you the shifts I am feeling and experiencing. Starting this new healing process has really opened up some things for me. I’m feeling more grounded and less fearful than I ever have in my life.

Learning about this Retained Primitive Reflex that is related to the Stress Response got me in a space of wanting to further my healing process through my body. The bulk of my work with myself and others is body-mind, and the proof is in the pudding. One just has to research and experiment to find this out.

Things involved with this include as well, a damaged nervous system, neurological dysregulation, fear and anger (in the short term) and anhedonia (no longer finding pleasure in anything), isolation and depression in the long term. There is plenty more information, but this is a start.

What I am finding is the physical, emotional, and mental symptoms that we carry can be related to this from:

§  Stress of the mother and/or baby during pregnancy

* Lack of movement in utero

* Restricted body movements, such as the infant spending extended time in car seats, carriers, walkers or jumpers

* Illness, injury, trauma, chronic stress

* Other developmental delays

The Moro reflex is the earliest primitive reflex. It affects vestibular, ocular, motor and visual perceptual skills.

Symptoms include:

* Exaggerated startle reflex

* Motion sickness

* Eye movement and visual processing problems

* Poor coordination

* Poor balance

* Light sensitivity

* Frequent infections

* Inner ear problems

* Allergies

* Poor stamina

* Difficulty with black print on white paper

* Tense muscle tone

* Poor auditory discrimination

* Biochemical and nutritional imbalances

* Often in “Fight or Flight” mode

* Hyperactivity

* Low self-esteem

https://www.sensoryfocus.com/eye-care-services/retained-primitive-reflexes/

As for the trauma, it is any type of trauma – to include birth trauma, which can involve the use of mechanical items, such as forceps, to bring the child out of the birth canal, Cesarean Sections, and Chemically induced births. The following are drugs used to induce labor:

* Misoprostol (Cytotec) is a pill taken by mouth or placed in the vagina (using a smaller dose). ...

* Oxytocin (Pitocin) can be given through a vein (intravenously) in small amounts to ripen the cervix. (This is a synthetic form.)...

* Dinoprostone (such as Cervidil or Prepidil Gel) can be inserted as a suppository into your vagina (intravaginally).

https://www.uofmhealth.org/health-library/hw194662

This is all harmful to the baby and future adult.

So, what is it taking to shift and heal this in my world?

The Starfish is an exercise used to help in resetting the brain from any trauma experienced in birth and beyond. Here I am going to share my experiences and what information I am learning in the process.

I started doing the exercises on the 13th of November in the evening, after having the conversation with my friend. These exercises are done with children mostly, but what I am finding out is the Moro Reflex or Startle Reflex can get stuck and adults experience many things (in different combinations) from this as well.

I have been talking about the Stress Response being stuck in the “on” position for a very long time but did not know that this could be a part of it. I am fully intrigued and decided to make this a part of my journey.

My experience physically in doing the exercise is that I am getting dizzy and nauseous and can only do it 6 times, barely. My friend had mentioned 30 repetitions and I am laughing at that right now, hopefully I will get to 7! I have to keep my eyes closed and do tapping (EFT) to calm myself down. I have to get up slowly from off the floor. Water helps a lot when I am done.

The first time I did it I really wanted to throw up and I cried for a while. This fully works on the entire system, body and mind.

So, what’s happening now?

It is getting easier. I have now been doing it for about 5 ½ days. The nausea still comes up, but it is tolerable and what is interesting is that my body feels more at peace and calmer and my dreams are becoming more vivid and powerful. Oh, and my energy levels are slowly rising, and I am sleeping better.

The biggest thing is my fears are beginning to dissipate and I am no longer afraid to stand up for myself more powerfully when I need to. Yet it is a work in progress.

No information today about the process with the car, but doing this exercise and process is even helping me with that too.

This just keeps getting better and better on The Ride of My Life!

The Ride of My Life Blog is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Today’s the day where I begin my Video/Audio Episodes! I had to take a step back from doing them every single day. It got to be way too much; can you imagine?

I had such an incredible weekend. Of course, it was challenging at times, because there were things I was walking through and sitting with, but I was expecting it. All is good!

I am in the process of putting my list together for the things I will need for being out on the road. I am looking through Marketplace and other places to find things that are not so crazy expensive. It’s blows my mind how much they up prices when something gets popular, but it is what it is. I understand supply and demand, but holy cow.

The biggest thing is finding a tent without the fire-retardant chemicals on it. Warning labels are on the box/bag on tents, from California, that says it causes cancer. Whaaat???

Yes, those tents are way less costly money wise, but if you want a tent without it, it costs upwards of $300+ to get one? Wow…

Right now, I am in the process of looking for someone who can build me a sleeping and storage platform in my Outback. I am testing out different ways in the meantime to sleep in there and finding that front to back, when the back seat is folded down, there is a tilt. If I choose to use a blow-up mattress in the back seat that takes up a lot of room. Still in the process, so I’ll surely see what ends up working for me.

I really like the idea of the platform/storage and putting out there to find someone locally to Central/South Florida who is a carpenter and is looking for a cool project to work on!

Ok, so I just wanted to talk about the weekend quickly and how I started working on the new process I found out about for healing trauma. It fits well into my protocol because it involves the physical body, and I have always been into using the body for healing. I used to do body work, so I constantly research things for myself anyway. Anything I use for healing, for the most part, uses the body in the process.

The Mind/Body connection is a real thing.

I don’t know how long it will take, but I will tell you, it has begun. I am doing an exercise called the Starfish. What I do know is that a lot of our fears and traumas get stuck in our muscles/physiology. I have read about this sort of thing for a long time.

Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk does a lot of work with Veterans and PTSD, and I read his book, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Very good information to start to understand this.

I believe I have found this something that will absolutely help with me with the fear and trauma. It all has to do with the Stress Response – Fight/Flight/Flea/Fawn and the Moro Reflex.

Unless you have had the perfect mother and birth experience, there will be birth trauma. Forceps, cesarean births, chemically induced births, it runs the gamut. There is so much information out there on this, I recommend looking it up if you are interested.

Trauma can also begin in utero. I have known this for a long time, personally, but couldn’t figure out what that missing link was. That is, until I had that conversation with my longtime friend, that I hadn’t spoken to in years.

He made me aware of this…

This is my ah-hah moment on how to help myself fully heal and integrate. I am just at the beginning of this and bringing it to light in my own world. I am curious and love to research. The mind/body connection is all part of this healing process.

Now, until I see what happens with this, I will share something that has helped me for years calm me down during a stressful moment.

I’ve said it before, this is just a reminder. Just place your hands on your heart and breathe. Let’s start here. In for the count of 7, hold for the count of 7 and out for the count of 7. This will get you through on moment-to-moment stressors.

Next up…

What ever comes next in the process of The Ride of My Life!

The Ride of My Life Blog is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Yesterday was a very eye-opening day for me and I recognized myself for the first time in years.

What I know about myself is that I push myself to completion, which is not necessarily a good thing because this will cause burnout.

When I saw this, I realized that it fit right in with my beliefs of needing to know the details and the when I talked about last week.

I have had this pressure inside of me to finish things, no matter what, and that has been one of the biggest self-sabotages I have had throughout my time on this planet.

My belief: If I finish, I am safe and in control.

Well, there is beauty and peace in not finishing, in leaving something, maybe that was never meant to be finished.

And… being ok with that.

Today is a new day and I am back in my void. The void is good because this is a place where I can be in the moment and allow whatever comes next without forcing anything to happen.

There is a realization in my heart that this is an important process for me.

What I figured out from yesterday is that for the first time in a while, I took some time off to go to some stores and get things I needed that I haven’t had time for. I took advantage of the Veteran’s Day sales.

By the time I was finished, about four hours later, I was exhausted. I still needed to finish the process I had started of posting my blog - audio and video podcasts - and then sharing them on Facebook.

What a stroke of genius. It came to my mind slowly what was happening with me and that was when I realized that I had been going non-stop since 6 am.

It was 7 pm when I realized what I was doing.

13 Hours! No… enough. Now it’s time to follow through with daily self-care. If I am not at peak energy, no one, especially me, gets my best self.

This all was part of the process to see what direction to take with the blogs and the podcasts as, for now, I am doing this on my own.

Burnout is not an option.

From this experience, I have decided to not do this every day. It’s too crazy of a feat and it will not be sustainable.

As I work through how to get this out there, I am looking at a completely different process that is set up to put out the best of me, even as I am describing the lows. Days are out… episodes are in.

I am finding for myself, and this is something that maybe even some of you all will recognize in yourselves as well, that putting yourself in a position of taking care of yourself first, will allow you to care for others.

This decision, for the first time in my life, is happening before the burnout.

The Ride of My Life just got a breath of fresh air.

Recreate My Life Blog is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

I’m sure some of you have been reading, listening or watching what I have been posting for a while now.

Today is an interesting day and I’m going to share a part of myself that I don’t normally talk about, let alone put it out there. I feel it is a good day to be said.

Veteran’s Day… and I am a veteran. I never liked to put that out there because of the traumatic experiences I dealt with while in the military. Please note that I was not in any war situation, but I was involved in the deployment process, sending lives out to fight for this country and that was very trying. Some of those lives who came home are homeless, desperately looking for assistance and not finding it. Some of them never came back.

For those that made it back, these men and women are in a totally different space than they were when they left. I know. I’ve seen it.

My father served in Vietnam.

For those of you that are seeing this, there are places out there that help, and my hope is that if you who are in this situation, that you reach out. The help is available. A lot of civilian groups are popping up to help such as those groups that do yoga for warriors, which is fantastic.

I say, go find them. Don’t try to do this alone. Alone doesn’t work, I’ve been there on my healing journey.

For me, five out of the eight years of being in the Army, I was in a situation of being sexually harassed through comments and advances towards me. I honor myself and anyone who has gone through this. It is not a good feeling. It becomes part of Complex PTSD.

And on this day, I want to say that from the trauma I went through as a child and as an adult, I went through 30 years of healing from that.

Complex PTSD, for those of you who don’t know, is a little different from PTSD. Both are from trauma experienced, both can cause depression, anxiety, fear, among many other tough to deal with feelings and sometimes will cause suicidal ideation or suicide in many cases.

Where PTSD causes visual, auditory, basically physical flashbacks and reactions to the trauma, Complex PTSD can ride alone as emotional flashbacks from childhood and adult trauma or be part of PTSD as it is an accumulation of the emotions stored inside our bodies from any type of trauma.

There was a time in my early 20’s where I went through suicidal ideation and somehow made the decision not to do anything about it.

The culmination of that story is this new chapter, The Ride of My Life.

I went through a lot while healing and it took a long time. I am working with others now because I have learned how to condense that time frame into shorter lengths, depending on what someone is going through. I’ve found ways to get it down to 6-weeks to 3 months and I am blown away by that.

I wish it hadn’t taken me this long and at the same time, I guess it was meant to be that way, so I’ve got it down pat. LOL

I am grateful to have gone through what I did, and I went through a lot, so I can do this now.

I feel I am on this planet, in whatever capacity shows up for me, to guide others past what may be holding them back to transform their lives. I feel it in my bones and I’m very passionate and care that as many people as I can assist, don’t have to continue to go through what I went through.

I help people who are stuck at a point and ready to go deeper into clearing all of that “stuff” through grief, inner child and generational trauma work.

What does this have to do with getting in my car and going out on the road?

That is part of this because it is something I have wanted to do my whole life and I held myself back from all of the fears I’ve had.

I am doing it now and I am bringing all of you along with me. I don’t know what this ride will look like, but I can tell you this.

It is for anyone who has ever experienced trauma in any capacity. It is for anyone who has ever felt alone or lonely. It is for anyone who has ever been afraid. It is for anyone who has ever been stuck in their life, thinking there was nothing that could be done and that it was their fate.

I am here to say it is not. I have been through or thought about all of these things and more.

Whatever ambitions and goals you may have in life, this is what will help you clear and heal that.

If you happen to be interested in working with me in breaking through, let me know.

I will say this… the work is not easy or for the faint at heart. It is powerful and it got me here (or I wouldn’t be doing this) and I keep moving forward and getting unstuck.

Maybe I will see you out on the road as I go on this journey!

Thank you for being here on this Ride of My Life!

Recreate My Life Blog is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Big things are happening.

I was very close to being at the end of my lease and things were getting too close for comfort for a bit. I am finding that when that happens, it gives me the chance to really just be ok with whatever is going on and not freak out like I used to do.

Yesterday, I came close to freaking out and used all of the tools in my arsenal to walk through it.

It all started yesterday morning.

Something told me to stop off at the Subaru dealership on my way out of South Florida. Had some things to take care of and I have been researching and learning everything I could about “Van Life,” living on the road, etc.

I had also been researching on the best ways of turning in my lease and I got a wealth of new information on how things now work with the banks, rules, and now the fact that the pandemic last year caused the automobile industry to run low on chips for vehicles. Not many used Subaru’s out there that are certified, that I felt comfortable with the price, and I felt I could trust.

I ran the gamut of every possible way I could do this with the lease and getting into another vehicle. The van was an option because housing prices are going up too. All kinds of things going on.

I said to myself, “Focus…”

I needed to stay on track with the car first, so when I stopped at the dealership, my head was full of all of this information and in some ways I was ready to do whatever came next and some ways I was still looking at all my options.

I met the most amazing salesperson and finance person on the face of the planet. They both really cared about what was going on in my situation, with my needs, with my finances and were literally bending over backwards to get me out of the lease and into my next vehicle. And no, it did not feel like any other sales or finance person I have ever worked with in my life, and I have worked with many as I have purchased quite a few vehicles.

These two were Earth Angels.

I have owned a Subaru before many, many years ago, so I wasn’t new to that either. What I was new to was how these two amazing human beings took care of me and my situation and went above and beyond what they needed to do.

I left with a 2019, certified, Subaru Outback with a hitch (and without a hitch)! This still puts me in a great position to travel and now I have a vehicle that I know will last me a very long time.

One thing at a time… while going through the process, as I said, I had to pull out all the stops with my toolbox. I knew this was a long-term investment in myself and my life and needed to just walk through the initial shock of doing this. I was not good at that in the past; yesterday I was calmer and more at peace throughout the whole experience.

I did breathe… a lot.

Now I just walk through the next steps, one moment at a time, and continue with this amazing and healing journey on The Ride of My Life!

Thank you for being here with me.

Recreate My Life Blog is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Yesterday, after I wrote my blog, the day really led me into some really powerful and positive shifts. That is the way it usually happens. I generally talk about what is going on in the moment, so I can track my progress.

I had to go out of town to take care of some things, you know, regular life stuff, and just the act of leaving where I live and going someplace else, really opened things up. Movement does that, it changes things and usually for the better.

When I sit and do the same thing over and over, it’s like a stagnant lake where the water starts to get slimy, sticky and gross. I have noticed times in my life where I was just afraid to move because of things that happened, and it felt like things got worse instead of better.

Noticing this today, about how the energy was released from sitting safe in my own little cocoon room, showed me, again, that it’s time to break out and break free.

The biggest thing I learned was that “I am worth it just as I am.” I don’t have to be or do anything for anyone else, just be me. That is where my worth lies, and I know that deeply now. This, in and of itself, allows me to trust myself and heal in deeper ways.

It is also where my freedom lies and that is definitely a big deal for me.

I said yesterday that this “van experience” is not just about getting into and living in a van. In fact, a van may or may not be what I do as I am still in the research stage. I am, however, fully experiencing new things in my life just from having made the decision to do this. I figured that is what was going to happen in this healing process of mine because in every area of my life, things are being worked through.

Remember, wherever we go, there we are?

We are who we learned we are and it shows up in every circumstance in life. We get to choose to be who we really are through a decision to heal and maybe even do something we were always afraid of doing but have wanted to our entire lives.

That is what is happening here for me. Mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

I am my own Guinea Pig and all of these experiences and lessons I am healing from help me to be a better Transformational Coach for my clients to show that it can be done. And boy will I have good stories to share through this one!

I am grateful for these opportunities and appreciate the support on The Ride of My Life.

The Ride of My Life Blog is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Ok, here we are on Day 7, one week later from when I started this whole experiment. I am in an interesting space because I won’t be doing more action steps possibly until Wednesday, as I have some other priorities that need to happen today and tomorrow.

What is happening is that I am connecting with people from my past and making some seriously big discoveries about myself that gave me some pretty cool ah-hah moments.

I figured out a nice little vicious cycle I have been living in for many years and it was with the help/mirroring of one of these friends that I have been made fully aware of a behavior of mine. I am always grateful for these when they happen because it gives me the opportunity to look at them and let them go. All part of this process.

I have been talking about the hyper-vigilance, fear, worry and anxiety pieces I’ve had for a while now and I am really learning now that it all come from trust, or the lack of it… in self and in a Source energy, whatever that is for you.

Having been through traumatic situations throughout my life, I got to the point where I was always on the watch, waiting for the other shoe to drop. That is not trust.

I recognized yesterday that because of this, I am always on the lookout for the details and the when’s. For example: preparation in every way has been drilled into me since I was a Girl Scout and in the Army. Those teachings linked into the fact that I never felt safe as a child. I never knew what was going to happen next and I felt tormented because I was alone a lot or felt alone then (I’m an only child). I used hyper-vigilance as a coping mechanism throughout my life because I needed to know all of the details and potential outcomes.

I felt so out of control. Therefore, I needed to be in control.

News flash… there is no such thing as being in control. We can be in control of our emotions and how we work with them, just not other people or external situations or occurrences.

The other big thing I learned is the “when” about every moment of my life. I realized I am actually not naturally a scheduler; I like the flow of doing things I want to. I learned how to be a scheduler too.

So, as another friend of mine pointed out, I had been “time-boxing” myself into safety. Even my schedule was so firm and strict, there was hardly any flexibility in it at all. Knowing what was going to occur at all times helped me to feel safe, or so it seemed. Herein lies the freedom piece. There is no freedom in this at all.

This need to know the details and when things will happen caused me to lose the trust in myself, life and the Universe. I am always taken care of; I see this as I go. Since I haven’t fully trusted, there has been a limit to where I can go with this life.

The interesting thing, I was continuing to feel out of control and felt like I was losing my grip on everything to the point that even through this process, nothing felt like it was changing, even though it is.

And here we are.

This need to know the “details” and “when” has caused me so much anxiety. Truly, it has not been necessary as an adult, but as a child, I had to do it to feel safe. This is what therapists call an adaptation. Children are way smarter than we give them credit for sometimes and when they don’t know how to handle something, they cleverly figure out a way to make themselves feel better. As an adult, it becomes a behavior, a habit and a detriment.

And so, learning to be in the moment is where I find my freedom. Since I have no control of the outcome, the details and when don’t actually matter. Seeing this now, I will be practicing the fine art of self-love. I don’t need to know the outcome, so therefore, I don’t need to go to the nth degree of the “details.”

If you have ever listened to Esther/Abraham Hicks, there is something they say that has always intrigued me. “Whenever you’re feeling lost or stuck, go general.” I believe I understand what that means now. Going general is the exact opposite of details and focusing and it allows me to release some of the pressure on my brain to think and control.

Being able to feel safe in the moment and knowing everything is working out for me, without knowing about all the details and trying to be in control, is the thing I get to walk through today. Let’s see how this particular lesson progresses.

Thanks again for supporting this process of mine as I go through The Ride of My Life.

The Ride of My Life Blog is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Today I am going to be vulnerable. I feel a deep connection with Carl Jung and was thinking about what he did to learn about how the human psyche works. I feel like I am doing something similar to find out for myself and to share with others, how to heal from trauma and be able to move on and still Recreate My Life from the past.

I know it’s possible and this Ride of My Life Journey is just showing me my “demons” and what I get to let go of and what I get to embrace. This isn’t easy, in fact it is downright hard and sometimes scary, but it is something I have always wanted to do.

I am so grateful for this opportunity.

If you have been following my blog up until now, you would know that two of my biggest fears are being alone and being broke. I am sharing this because these are also two of the things that are leading me forward, through faith, trust and surrender, to where I am meant to be in this lifetime, whatever that may look like.

The biggest challenge I have is to talk about this stuff openly because I know I have people out there who will be concerned and worried about what may transpire here as well as think I have lost my mind. LOL, that’s probably a good thing to lose my mind because that is what created the fears to begin with.

The answer to that is it is something I need and want to do for myself to share with you… Carl Jung style.

What this means is that while he was doing his research, he kept detailed notes of his own strange experiences and found that they came from an area of the mind that he called the collective unconscious, which he believed was shared by everyone.

I can see how that could be and my journey is a way of showing that I can heal, but I must begin with myself. When I heal, I notice others around me are healing, and that is good. It is not something that can be explained, at least not right now. In the meantime, it is a process I am discovering through my own life experiences.

I do know and I have already talked about how our thoughts create our emotions and our emotions create our physical (illness and dis-ease) and external lives. This I am finding to be very obvious to me. Especially in the collective unconscious, where through the path of how we were raised to fit into society has brought us to the place of where we are in the world is all part of that collective.

Who we really are inside is not who we were told we are or who we should be.

We are not alone in this (first fear and lesson for me), we are actually in this together. The challenge is making the decision to shift our lives and then sitting with and walking through the experiences that come up in order to shift. This is where it isn’t easy. It, however, must be done to have enduring peace, love, joy and freedom.

I am also finding that in this process, I get the freedom to choose for myself how I want to do this. Not something I’m used to, as I let others in my past make my decisions for me because I didn’t trust myself. I’m walking through that now.

So, this experience that I am having is turning out not to be specifically about getting into a van and travelling the country or however I decide to do that. That is only the result of how I work through the remnants of these fears I have carried, generationally and for myself, throughout my life.

This is powerful stuff.

The other part of this is the fear of being broke or “lack mentality.” Another thing I am working through as the days move on. I’m not ready to disclose in that arena what is happening yet, or it doesn't matter as it's part of the process. What I can tell you it is a great teacher of faith, trust and surrender. I was working on that over that past 24-hours.

I will call this an experiment in Co-Creation. I already know that I am not like most others. I have always done things differently and have truly never fit in. This next chapter is not only to show that more fully to myself, but also to connect more deeply with the truth of who I am… another thing I have been talking about.

I’m sure you have heard the phrase, “Be careful what you ask for because you very well could get it.” At this point, I say bring it. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. So, this experiment is mostly an experiment of the mind, body, spirit, heart and soul.

I don’t know what direction it will take me and now, at this point in my life, I am willing to see where it takes me. I am open to it all because I want that freedom.

Being in a van will not provide that for me. Feeling the freedom inside of myself first, will and that is my aim.

I want you to know that no matter what I am sharing here, it doesn’t mean that I am stuck or talking about my poor me story over and over again. I explained before that talking, for me, actually helps me to get to my understandings and decisions. So, if any of you are thinking I’m not ok, that isn’t true in the least.

I am fully ok and although all of this may seem crazy right now, there is fully a result that will come from this experiment and that is the truth… of me, being who I love and doing what I love.

Thank you for your support on The Ride of My Life.

The Ride of My Life Blog is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.