The Sam LaCrosse Show

"That gives us Jake Angeli and Greta Thumberg, and God knows we need no more of those people."

"Grab your spermicidal lube (oh, wait, not birds and the bees) and happy reading."

"San Francisco and Seattle elected Republicans, which is more rare than seeing a unicorn shit out a rainbow."

"The world was truly a vampire, and we are the source of blood that is being sucked draiyaiyaiinnnnnnnned out of it for its pleasure."

"Because you could end up a Reddit Guy if you don’t."

"Oh, and if any of you know Lizzo, tell her to call me. We need to talk to have a talk about carbohydrates and where she chooses to park her car in the parking lot."

"You're either chilling with bikini-clad women on Instagram or one favorite away from hanging yourself by your sister's panties."

"Take your misplaced sense of virtue and go away, you whores."

"I don’t know who Cara Delevingne is, but I know Ben Franklin was into some weird shit, so maybe she can be his dominatrix or something."

"It wasn’t just me and my friends who were hooked. Everyone in our generation was. We quoted lines on Twitter. People started jerking off to business plans and startup pitches."