We’ve spent a lot of time over the last few weeks talking about defensiveness, criticism, and the patterns that ensue when this becomes the standard way of communicating in your relationship. By now, you know the damage this dynamic creates and how to identify when it’s happening.

But, what do you do instead?

Take radical responsibility.

Take 100% ownership of the ways in which you contributed to a hard moment.

Sound crazy?

Here are some of the benefits:

1 | You regain a sense of control in an otherwise out of control situation.

2 | You immediately feel calmer and less angry.

3 | You de-escalate a tense situation with your partner (rather than up the ante).

To take radical responsibility, make a mental (or physical) list of all the choices you made that contributed to the situation at hand. For example, if you’re frustrated with your partner because they forgot to pick up the dry cleaning you needed, you might say:

“I chose to wait until the last minute to pick up the dry cleaning.”

“I chose to ask my partner to pick up the dry cleaning, instead of picking it up myself.”

“I chose to work at a job that requires me to wear clothes that go to the dry cleaner.”

(Yes, seriously).

Give it a try the next time something triggers your anger and let us know - what is your new emotional experience? How quickly does your anger dissipate? In what ways did taking radical responsibility serve you and your relationship?

Relationships can be really hard sometimes. There are stressors, long-standing disagreements, and sometimes you just need to vent.

But, what if you’re venting in a group setting? Sometimes, in front of your partner?

Well, friends… it’s not good.

When you speak negatively about your partner in public, it creates an “us” (you and your friends/family) vs. “them” (your partner) dynamic. They may feel unsupported, disconnected, and even bullied. These are likely not the feelings you’re looking to elicit in your partner!

If there’s an unresolved issue plaguing your relationship, start with your partner. Invite them to have a constructive conversation and work towards understanding one another and resolving the issue. A lot of couples struggle with this, which is why they talk to friends and family members about the problem instead. If you find yourself avoiding these conversations, that’s a sign you and your partner could use some concrete support and strategies in how to communicate to actually resolve conflict.

We have JUST opened enrollment for our brand new online course, Conflict to Connection: The Most Effective Way To Resolve Problems For Good. There is currently a 48 hour flash sale - everyone who registers by Friday, Sept. 27th at 9pm EST will receive a discounted price, so if this is something you’re struggling with, be sure to register now!

If you do choose to speak with a friend or family member, be mindful of how you approach the discussion. Focus on YOURSELF. Talk about how YOU feel, what YOU need, and brainstorm how YOU may go about approaching it with your partner. (Notice, we didn’t say - vent about all the things your partner is doing “wrong” to this friend). Keep the focus on your side of the street and seek support. Then, circle back to approach the issue with your partner directly.

Friends, this is a big one.

We hear from couples EVERY DAY that their biggest challenge is talking, talking, talking about a problem, but never getting to solve it. They discuss it, they argue, it gets heated, and either both partners give up or get too angry to continue.

Why is this so common?

If you’ve listened to the last two episodes on defensiveness and criticism, you may know where we’re headed…

Couples fall into the criticism-defensiveness pattern and go around in circles, pulling each other off topic, and fighting about things that happened three years ago, rather than moving constructively towards a solution to the problem they started with.

They start to feel hopeless and helpless in their relationship. Their concerns are never addressed, so it doesn’t feel like change is possible. There seem to be two choices:

Stay in this relationship that doesn’t feel good

Leave this relationship

Luckily, there is an alternative. You CAN tackle the cycle of criticism-defensiveness in your relationship! You just need to learn how.

We’re offering a FREE live online training on this topic next week. Be one of the FIRST to register here: Reserve My Spot!

We hope to see you there!

You know when you see your partner doing something that you know isn’t good for them? Or there is an easier way to do it? Or a better way?

Approaching that type of conversation can be tricky. One wrong “you” and you’re in the role of criticizer. (Hint: criticism invites defensiveness).

Here’s the thing…

You wouldn’t be suggesting your partner do something differently unless it affected you.

You really wouldn’t.

We know this can be a tough one to accept, but it’s true. Your ability to identify how your partner’s particular action affects you is crucial because the way to communicate with them on this is by using “I” instead of “you.”

Consider this approach:

“You should really think about going food shopping on a weeknight, instead of Sunday morning. It’s less crowded and you’ll get it done faster. Plus, they restock more during the week. You take so long when you go on the weekend - it’s like half the day! And then you come home and have to put everything away. You should definitely skip tomorrow and go on Monday or Tuesday instead.”

The implied messaging here?

“You are dumb. You do not know how to do even the simplest of things - like food shopping - good enough for me. You need me to tell you what to do and how to do it. I don’t like the way you food shop. I am going to stand in my ivory tower and point out the things you’re doing wrong.”

We know that is NOT the message you intended to send. But, depending on the balance in your emotional bank account, that may be exactly what your partner is hearing. If their response is defensive (link: www.simplygreatrelationships.com/podcast/050), you know that’s what they heard.

Note the difference with “I” statements:

“I really enjoy spending time with you on the weekend, especially Sunday mornings. It’s so nice when we can cuddle in bed and have coffee together. That time is really special to me. Do you enjoy it too? I wondered if we might be able to plan for food shopping on a different day, so we can prioritize spending time together on Sundays. Would you be open to that? Is there any way I can help?”

The message here is:

“I like you so much that I want to spend more quality time with you. I enjoy when we’re together. It’s important to me and I want to make it a priority. Let’s collaborate to achieve that.”

Much better.

Challenge yourself to take radical responsibility for one week. Consider any negative feelings that come up in relation to your partner to live within you - in an unmet need or not communicated wish. Figure out what that need is and make the request of your partner using “I” statements. You are sure to see a significant decrease in defensiveness and actually get what you want!

You know the deal. Something happens that is frustrating or hurtful, so you approach your partner to let them know. You tell them what happened and a better way to do it in the future, so you don’t end up feeling hurt. But, all you hear is:

“I didn’t do that! And, anyway, you do that all the time.”

“What about last week when I ask you not to _______?”

“I only did it that way because you _______!”

Sound familiar?

When this dynamic is sustained over a long period of time, it can lead to something called “pre-emptive defensiveness.” That sounds a little something like this:

“Hey, what’s for dinner tonight?”

“Oh, so I’m just supposed to cook for you every night and I bet you expect the food to be on the table when you walk in the door?!”

Whoa.

Ever been blown away for asking what you thought was a neutral question? If so, you’ve got a case of pre-emptive defensiveness.

If you’re struggling with defensiveness in your relationship, you’re going to want to join us for our livestream on Facebook and Instagram this Monday, September 9th at 7:30pm EST. We’re going deeper on this topic and answering YOUR questions! If you’d like to submit a question ahead of time, you can do so by clicking here.

We hope to see you there!

Constructive communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship. You can’t get anywhere without it. And yet, some of the biggest challenges couples face have to do with misunderstandings and inaccurate meanings being placed on one another’s actions.

Over time, we place these same meanings on the same actions over and over again. Our “observations” lead to (potentially) faulty beliefs about our partner. We never take the opportunity to check in and say, “Hey, when I ask you to pick me up something from the store and you forget, I feel really unimportant. I feel like I can’t count on you to meet my needs.”

Instead, we just stop asking.

We establish an invisible rule:

I can’t ask my partner to do things for me because I can’t count on them, even if they said I could.

We run the errand ourselves and feel resentful. We see our partner remember things asked of them by other people and feel jealous. Emotional distance grows and we make consistent withdrawals from the emotional bank account.

In this week’s episode, we’re discussing how to identify the invisible rules running your relationship, what can happen if they go unchecked, and how to challenge and dispel the rules that are no longer serving you.

Most likely, your husband would not “want” to do couples therapy. Or relationship coaching. Or read that book on the different types of love languages.

And, guess what?

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, feel you’re important, or care about your relationship. It just means he doesn’t want to.

The meaning you put on your partner’s actions (or lack of action) will determine the thoughts you think about them, the feelings you have towards them, and how you act (or don’t act). If you think these thoughts enough times, they will become beliefs.

To be clear, your beliefs are not typically based on facts. They’re based on assumptions you have made about your partner and thoughts you’ve had many times. These thoughts appear as you observe your partner through your unique filter, which is influenced by your childhood experiences, parents’ relationship dynamics, past relationship experiences, and general worldview.

The beliefs you have about your partner will greatly influence the meaning you put on their actions.

So, basically we live in a perpetual cycle of thoughts/beliefs -> feelings -> reactions with our partners. And they live the same cycle from their point of view.

The keys to success?

Choose thoughts that serve you, your partner, and your relationship. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Create an emotionally safe space in which they can share their true thoughts and feelings, so you have an accurate understanding of the meaning behind their behavior. And listen to this week’s episode to learn more.

Well, this week we had to turn the tables.

After researching the advice husbands were asking Google, we felt it only right to look into the searches being made by their wives.

Interestingly, there was a lot of overlap between the two. Both partners are looking for the same things: to feel heard, to feel connected, and to feel loved. And both partners are struggling with how to make this happen. Luckily, we’ve got answers.

Here are a few of the top searches:

How to get my husband to love me again?

Make it your mission to create small, positive moments with your husband on a consistent basis. Focus on rebuilding your emotional bank account and making as many deposits as you can. Schedule the events to ensure they take place. Treat these activities as protected time without problem talk or negativity - let them go well and let them be easy.

How to get my husband to listen to me?

Show your husband that you listen to him. Summarize what you hear him share with you. Ask open-ended questions (ex: oh, that’s interesting - can you tell me more about that?) and express genuine interest. Validate his perspective - don’t challenge it or give unsolicited advice. Then, once he’s feels fully heard, share your perspective and gently ask him to do the same.

How to get my husband to talk to me?

Create an emotionally safe, nonjudgmental space for him to share. Many times when men are not opening up it’s because they’ve experienced negative feedback from doing so. This may have been in the form of criticism, invalidation, unsolicited advice, or even harsher responses. They may have had this experience long ago with a parent - remember, “boys don’t cry” - in previous relationships, or even with you. Showing him that you’re there as someone who loves him and wants nothing more than to understand his inner world will invite him to take the risk of opening up more and more over time.

The top two search results - shocked us. Sure, we get that these may be concerns. But, we did NOT expect these to be numbers one and two. (You’ll have to listen to this week’s episode to find out what they were!)

Ever wonder who your husband turns to for relationship advice?

It seems to be Google.

We looked up the five most commonly searched phrases starting with, “how do I get my wife to…” and the results were a bit surprising.

Here are a few:

How do I get my wife to listen to me?

Listen to her. Empathize and validate. Connect with the feelings she is sharing. Do not problem solve or give advice unless explicitly asked. Make your goal to understand her. Give what you’d like to receive.

How do I get my wife to love me again?

Focus on making positive deposits in your emotional bank account. Establish and commit to daily rituals of connection (check out Episode 002 - Getting Back To The Honeymoon Phase - One Habit At A Time for more on that). Small things often is the key here. Small moments of friendship, emotional intimacy, and physical intimacy.

How do I get my wife to leave me?

Umm, what? How is this Googled?! If that’s your thing, the best way to get your wife to leave you is - act contemptuous. It’s the number one predictor of divorce.

For the top two, you’ll have to listen to this week’s episode! (We’ve got to tell you… number one SHOCKED us).

Couples typically have a sense that what happens OUT of the bedroom can affect what happens IN the bedroom. If you and your partner have been arguing all day and feel disconnected, it may not be the best night to connect physically. (Though, for many couples, that would be a powerful repair!).

What about the opposite?

Did you know that what happens IN the bedroom affects what happens OUT of the bedroom?

There are a variety of situations that can play out, but we’re focusing on the top three today. These seemingly benign actions can trigger withdrawals from the emotional bank account and move your relationship under an umbrella of perceived negativity.

The top three mistakes:

1 | Not communicating your sexual needs to your partner

2 | Having sex for your partner, not for mutual pleasure

3 | Turning down your partner’s advances in a harsh way

Want to know the relationship-preserving ways to handle these scenarios? In this week’s episode, we’re talking about how these three mistakes commonly occur, the effect they can have on a partnership, and how to navigate your intimate relationship in a way that will strengthen your connection.