On this week's episode: Our nation unites for our quadrennial caring about Iowa ... Everyone on Fifth Avenue without a bulletproof vest should be nervous as fuck ... And Michael Marshall will join us for a Brexit interview.

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Headline Sources:

Republicans refuse to know how guilty the man they’re exonerating is: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/01/31/us/politics/trump-impeachment-trial.html and https://www.cnn.com/2020/01/31/politics/marco-rubio-donald-trump-senate-impeachment-trial/index.html

Coronavirus is going to kill us all: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2019%E2%80%9320_Wuhan_coronavirus_outbreak

Iowa Caucuses: https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2020/01/24/how-iowa-caucuses-work/?arc404=true

https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/the-iowa-caucuses-are-in-4-days-almost-anything-could-still-happen/

Facebook to Pay $550 Million to Settle Facial Recognition Suit: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/01/29/technology/facebook-privacy-lawsuit-earnings.html

On this week's episode: Trump will assemble evil lawyer Voltron ... MLK had a nightmare too; it was called 2016-2020 ... And the National Archive will celebrate 100 years of women’s suffrage by literally erasing their voices from the historical record.

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Headline Sources:

Trump's impeachment trial team is gross: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/01/17/us/politics/trump-impeachment-lawyers-starr-dershowitz.html?action=click&module=Top%20Stories&pgtype=Homepage

New evidence of Trump’s guilt emerging at rate of 2.6 smoking guns per hour: https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/the-senate-must-not-ignore-the-new-evidence-on-ukraine/2020/01/17/8397b60e-394b-11ea-bf30-ad313e4ec754_story.html

Overblown feud between Bernie Sanders and Liz Warren is a bad idea:

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/01/18/us/politics/warren-vs-sanders-democratic-debate.html

US drone program may shut down because it's letting China spy on us: https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-51100759

National Archives tweak photo to literally erase the voices of women: https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/how-depressing-that-the-national-archives-is-altering-history/2020/01/18/b1e72374-39f9-11ea-bb7b-265f4554af6d_story.html

Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that "smells like my vagina": https://www.theguardian.com/fashion/2020/jan/13/why-is-gwyneth-paltrow-selling-a-candle-that-smells-like-her-vagina-goop

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/lostinshowbiz/2020/jan/16/do-not-adjust-your-set-gwyneth-paltrow-is-spreading-goop-all-over-tv

Space Force’s goddamn uniforms are camo: https://www.cnn.com/2020/01/18/politics/space-force-uniforms-trnd/index.html

On this week's episode: Donald Trump sees if killing a bunch of his supporters' kids raises his approval rating ... Chicago does its best to throw more smoke in the air than Australia ... And Nancy Pelosi is gonna count to three...One...TWO...TWO AND A HALF...

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Headline Sources:

Trump stumbles into war with Iran: https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trump-plunges-toward-the-kind-of-middle-eastern-conflict-he-pledged-to-avoid/2020/01/03/

Australia is on fire:

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-australia-50986363 https://www.nytimes.com/2020/01/03/opinion/australia-fires-climate-change.html

Impeachment Impasse Deepens in Senate, Leaving Trump’s Trial in Doubt:

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/01/03/us/politics/trump-impeachment-senate-trial.html

Poll: Ivanka and Don Jr. among favorite for GOP voters in 2024: https://www.axios.com/2024-election-polls-republicans-60f37160-a4fb-48e6-b054-22bd303604a6.html

Noah wants to visit Tom and Cecil more often: https://abcnews.go.com/US/marijuana-sales-illinois-top-3m-day-legal-recreational/story?id=68051493

The Golden Globes dinner is going vegan for the first time ever:

https://www.rawstory.com/2020/01/the-golden-globes-are-going-vegan-for-the-first-time-ever-to-send-a-good-message/

On this week's episode: The President keeps asking what his handcuff size is just in case ... A 17-year-old reenacts every flight Noah's ever taken on United ... And Donald Trump catches Nancy Pelosi red-handed doing both THIS and THAT.

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Headline Sources:

We impeached the motherfucker but he's not going anywhere:

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/12/19/us/politics/impeachment-trump-senate-trial.html?action=click&module=Top%20Stories&pgtype=Homepage

https://www.forbes.com/sites/rachelsandler/2019/12/18/two-lone-democrats-vote-against-impeachment/#747f2fea2cd8

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2019/12/19/heres-how-long-pelosi-should-hold-onto-articles/

Teenager steals plane and runs it into a fence: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/fresno-teen-plane-theft_n_5dfbee98e4b01834791dfce8

Trump threatens shut down over releasing aid to Ukraine: https://www.washingtonpost.com/us-policy/2019/12/20/trump-administration-demanded-democrats-strip-ukraine-aid-language-spending-package/

Trump thinks we need to make dishwashers explode again and thinks he's The Godfather: https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2019/12/19/trump-was-impeached-dishwashers-that-go-boom-are-his-mind/

https://nypost.com/2019/12/19/trump-tweets-post-impeachment-meme-to-supporters-theyre-after-you/

Visibly Damp Papa John’s Founder Says He Ate 40 Pizzas In 30 Days In Viral Interview: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/papa-johns-john-schnatter-40-pizzas_n_5ddd413ae4b00149f724b7cf

Trump officially launches the “Space Force”: https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/national-security/space-force-will-start-small-but-let-trump-claim-a-big-win/2019/12/20/dd781bfa-2393-11ea-b034-de7dc2b5199b_story.html

On this week's episode: We're joined by Eli's very best friend in the whole wide world ... That person's best friend won’t be able to make it ... And Donald Trump's presidency has officially entered the "failed flush, water line rising in the toilet" panic phase.

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Headline Sources:

Scholars call Trump's actions on Ukraine an impeachable abuse of power:

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/12/04/us/politics/trump-impeachment.html?action=click&module=Top%20Stories&pgtype=Homepage

Elon musk is allowed to accuse people of being a pedophile with no consequences: https://www.cnn.com/2019/12/06/media/elon-musk-defamation-trial-verdict/index.html

Samoa cancels Christmas because of measles: https://www.rnz.co.nz/international/pacific-news/404589/children-stay-home-christmas-gatherings-cancelled-in-samoa https://www.rnz.co.nz/international/pacific-news/404775/samoa-measles-epidemic-non-essential-road-travel-banned

Nunes files $435 million defamation lawsuit against CNN: https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2019/12/04/devin-nunes-files-435-million-defamation-lawsuit-against-cnn/2606359001/

Trump claims people have to flush 10 to 15 times in America: https://www.cnn.com/2019/12/07/politics/trump-americans-flushing-toilets-intl/index.html

Trump cancels presser after real world leaders make fun of him: https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2019/12/it-sure-looks-like-world-leaders-had-a-great-time-making-fun-of-trump/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/europe/after-trump-leaves-nato-summit-weary-diplomats-delight-in-what-they-were-able-to-accomplish-on-substance/2019/12/05/96cefa48-0fc0-11ea-924c-b34d09bbc948_story.html

On this week's episode: The Republican Party’s publishing house eats itself so it will get twice as big ... That genie will make Noah regret not specifying which racist, wall-building, corrupt world leader he wanted to see indicted ... And Rudy Giuliani secures funding for his Ukraine operation from a Nigerian prince.

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Headline Sources:

Impeachment update, Sondland testimony: https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2019/11/20/transcript-sondlands-nov-public-testimony-front-house-intelligence-committee/

Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu indicted for bribery and fraud: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2019/nov/21/israeli-prime-minister-benjamin-netanyahu-indicted-for-bribery-and

Giuliani used unsecured cell phone and WhatsApp during Ukraine talks: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/18/us/politics/giuliani-cellphone-hacking-russia-ukraine.html

Don Trump Jr.’s book a #1 NYT Best Seller after RNC buys $100,000 worth of copies: https://www.salon.com/2019/11/22/rnc-spent-nearly-100000-on-don-jr-s-new-book-before-it-landed-atop-new-york-times-bestseller-list/

Prince Andrew halts public duties: https://www.reuters.com/article/us-britain-royals-andrew-duties/britains-prince-andrew-halts-public-duties-over-sex-scandal-idUSKBN1XU2CW

Democratic Primary Debate #5: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/20/us/politics/democratic-debate-live.html

On this week's episode: We’ll celebrate our nation’s relative lack of bone spurs ... Matt Gaetz is removed from a congressional hearing, yells "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD", and goes to his room ... And we’ll finally get that elderly white rich democratic candidate America’s been calling for.

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Headline Sources:

Highlights from impeachment investigation and kicking out Matt Gaetz: https://www.politico.com/news/2019/11/08/adam-schiff-matt-gaetz-deposition-068041 https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/09/us/politics/republican-strategy-impeachment-trump.html

Bloomberg wants in: https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/billionaire-and-ex-new-york-city-mayor-michael-bloomberg-is-taking-steps-to-run-for-president/2019/11/07/79db371e-01ae-11ea-9518-1e76abc088b6_story.html

Iran very publicly enriches uranium: https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2019/11/iran-breaks-crumbling-nuclear-deal-191104110945872.html

Donald Trump Jr. releases new book: https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2019/11/07/visit-arlington-cemetery-reminded-donald-trump-jr-all-his-familys-sacrifices-he-writes/

https://www.indy100.com/article/donald-trump-jr-triggered-book-cover-prank-swap-good-liars-jason-selvig-davram-stiefler-9196271

NYC adopts ranked-choice voting: https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2019/11/5/20948376/new-york-election-results-ranked-choice-voting

On this week's episode, Michael Marshall joins us to discuss all the various new ways to fail that Boris Johnson has discovered over the last couple of months.

Check out Marsh's show, Be Reasonable.

Check out Marsh's other show, Skeptics with a K

Give us money on Patreon

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On this week's episode: Heath pits Eli against Andrew in what many are calling the fairest debate ever ... The far right proves that Liz Warren has the stamina we need to be our next President ... And the White House consults with Dr. Evil and Serpentor about homeland security.

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Headline Sources:

Trump wanted to reinforce his border wall with a trench of snakes and alligators: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/01/us/politics/trump-border-wars.html

Text of the surprise witness’s letter: https://www.wonkette.com/wingnut-grifters-hold-stupid-presser-about-liz-warrens-marine-boy-toy-lets-laugh-at-them

The best headline ever: https://splinternews.com/worlds-biggest-dipshits-hilariously-mangle-hit-job-on-e-1838750767

Liz Warren’s epic Tweet: 

https://twitter.com/ewarren/status/1179851099978846209

Vaping is Bad...or IS it? Probably? Who cares: https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2019/10/03/mayo-clinic-vaping-study-chemical-fumes-blame-lung-illnesses/3850859002/

On this week's episode: Everyone gets super into peaches ... Noah finds out that he learned what 'prorogue' means for nothing ... And a VERY LITERAL explosion of semen.

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Headline Sources:

Ukraine whistle blower: www.any-headlineproduced_in_thelast-96.hours

Senate votes to kill national emergency declaration along southern border: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/senate-votes-to-kill-national-emergency-declaration-along-southern-border/

UK Supreme Court rules that suspending Parliament was unlawful: https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-politics-49810261 https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-politics-32816450

Trump supporters set out to find the whistleblower: https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2019/09/27/sounds-like-criminal-democrats-rip-trump-whistleblower-spy/ https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2019/09/28/amateur-pro-trump-sleuths-scramble-unmask-whistleblower-your-president-has-asked-your-help/

Greta Thunberg Addresses New York's Climate Strike: https://time.com/5682318/nyc-global-climate-strike/

Semen explosion after blaze hits bull artificial insemination facility: https://www.newsweek.com/fire-bull-semen-explosion-farm-australia-1459673