On this week's episode: Twitter finds out the Nazis were calling from inside the government ... Eli will misunderstand the assignment and think “Avengers came out” is a news story ... And Sophocles and Freud have NOTHING to do with Heath's adoration of Liz Warren. 

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Headline Sources:

Trump seeks to keep everyone from testifying about everything: https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2019/04/24/how-trump-congress-subpoena-fight-is-likely-play-out/?utmterm=.ea751870f288 and https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/white-house-approves-officials-testimony-after-contempt-threat/2019/04/27/ec8cbbea-68f5-11e9-83df-04f4d124151fstory.html?utm_term=.591656283fc9

Twitter can’t ban white supremacists because Steve King would get banned: https://motherboard.vice.com/en_us/article/a3xgq5/why-wont-twitter-treat-white-supremacy-like-isis-because-it-would-mean-banning-some-republican-politicians-too

Trump says DJIA beats collusion, praises Robert E. Lee, and plans to hire misogynist for Fed: https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2019/04/donald-trump-impeachment-rebuttal https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/23/us/politics/stephen-moore-women.html?module=inline https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2019/04/26/what-trump-gets-wrong-about-robert-e-lee/?utm_term=.306b4dcade5f

North Korea presents US with $2 million bill for Otto Warmbier’s medical treatment: https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-northkorea-warmbier/trump-approved-payment-of-2-million-north-korea-bill-for-care-of-warmbier-report-idUSKCN1S124E

Avengers series wrap-up (no spoilers): https://www.cnn.com/2019/04/28/media/avengers-endgame-box-office-record/index.html

Liz Warren has actual policy plans to make shit better for average people: https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2019/1/24/18196275/elizabeth-warren-wealth-tax https://www.vox.com/2019/4/11/18305108/elizabeth-warren-real-corporate-tax

Disclaimer: Anything that sounded like a suggestion of genociding anti-vaxxers was 100% sarcastic regardless of how offensive that target group might be.

On this week's episode: President Trump sure hopes nothing bad happens to Ilhan Omar ... New York will get constitutionally protected measles ... And Donald Trump holds interviews for the Acting Acting Acting Secretary of Homeland Security, just to be thorough.

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Headline Sources:

Two more high-ranking officials leave the Trump administration: https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2019/04/08/politics/randolph-tex-alles-secret-service-director/index.html https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/homeland-security-secretary-kirstjen-nielsen-leaving-trump-administration-amid-surge-of-migrants/2019/04/07/97d20358-597d-11e9-b8e3-b03311fbbbfestory.html?utmterm=.bd46c4b11976

Trump threatens to release immigrants into ‘sanctuary cities’: https://www.npr.org/2019/04/12/712760676/trump-threatens-to-send-detained-immigrants-to-sanctuary-cities

Anti-vaxxers using Holocaust symbols to promote their murderous cause: https://nypost.com/2019/04/08/anti-vaxxers-slammed-for-using-star-of-david-to-promote-cause/

Thomas Massie questioning John Kerry: https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2019/4/12/18307727/thomas-massie-john-kerry-video-political-science

On this week's episode: Alex Jones calls Alex Jones psychotic ... The GOP points to an apple surplus as evidence we no longer need affordable healthcare ... And we learn that unlike Congressman Mo Brooks, Hitler at least had the integrity to be honest about his "big lie" propaganda.

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Headline Sources:

Mueller Report being teased like next Avengers Movie: https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2019-03-29/barr-promises-congress-redacted-mueller-report-by-mid-april-jtugkss9

Alex Jones calls Alex Jones psychotic: https://www.cnn.com/2019/03/30/us/alex-jones-psychosis-sandy-hook/index.html

Alabama congressman quotes Mein Kampf to describe Democrats: https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2019/03/mo-brooks-mein-kampf-quote-big-lie.html

Trump administration decides American healthcare can go fuck itself: https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2019/03/26/trump-administration-asks-court-totally-repeal-obamas-affordable-care-act/?utm_term=.430108fc065f

Purdue Pharma settles opioid lawsuit: https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/purdue-pharma-state-of-oklahoma-reach-settlement-in-landmark-opioid-lawsuit/2019/03/26/69aa5cda-4f11-11e9-a3f7-78b7525a8d5fstory.html?noredirect=on&utmterm=.cd4e68a5f8f3

On this week's episode: Donald Trump had no idea someone was gonna follow that recipe he kept tweeting out ... Mario Cuomo’s kid opens his primetime CNN show by telling us nepotism might be a problem in the US ... And Mitt Romney removes his birthday candles one at a time to blow em out like a serial killer.

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Headline Sources:

Rich people cheating their kids into college: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/12/arts/huffman-loughlin-college-scandal.html?action=click&module=Top%20Stories&pgtype=Homepage https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/12/us/college-admissions-cheating-scandal.html?action=click&module=Top%20Stories&pgtype=Homepage https://twitter.com/gokpkd/status/1105501340581744640 

British House of Commons votes to delay Brexit: https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-politics-47576813

Trump fails to call out white supremacy in wake of NZ attacks: https://www.cnn.com/2019/03/16/politics/donald-trump-new-zealand-white-supremacy-muslims/index.html

Trump claims he said "Tim Apple" to save time: https://www.vox.com/2019/3/11/18259996/trump-tim-cook-apple-tweet-time-and-words

US grounds Boeing 737 max (eventually): https://www.cnbc.com/2019/03/13/boeing-shares-fall-after-report-says-us-expected-to-ground-737-max-fleet.html

House votes unanimously to release Mueller report; Graham blocks senate vote: https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2019/03/15/house-voted-release-mueller-report-so-why-is-lindsey-graham-blocking-it/?utm_term=.a94714ad31ab

On this week's episode: We replaced Noah with our other smart guy ... We manage to do half as many headlines but take twice as long now that I’m here ... And we learn that Spike Lee can't read, which is why he knows nothing about the abolition of civil rights.

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Headline Sources:

Mark Harris will not be running the new election for NC's ninth district: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/26/us/mark-harris-north-carolina-election.html https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/21/us/mark-harris-nc-voter-fraud.html?module=inline

Michael Cohen describes giant pattern of Trump lies at hearing: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/27/us/politics/michael-cohen-trump.html

Baby cheesing is a real thing that people are doing: https://nypost.com/2019/03/01/why-people-are-throwing-cheese-at-babies/?utmsource=NYPTwitter&utmmedium=SocialFlow&utm_campaign=SocialFlow

Trump/Kim summit collapses with no progress made: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/28/world/asia/trump-north-korea-nuclear-sanctions.html?action=click&module=Top%20Stories&pgtype=Homepage

On this week's episode: The green new deal is both of those things ... Eli will lose an old friend ... And Virginia abolishes abolition during the intro. And now they're all doing soft shoe.

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Headline Sources:

Green New Deal resolution gets officially submitted: https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2019/02/11/whats-actually-green-new-deal-democrats/?utm_term=.b149e2fde390 https://ocasio-cortez.house.gov/sites/ocasio-cortez.house.gov/files/Resolution%20on%20a%20Green%20New%20Deal.pdf

Trump declares national emergency to build wall: https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trumps-border-emergency-the-president-plans-a-10-am-announcement-in-the-rose-garden/2019/02/15/f0310e62-3110-11e9-86ab-5d02109aeb01story.html?utmterm=.56fe2bd78687

Mueller recommends 25 years for Paul Manafort: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/15/us/politics/paul-manafort-prosecutors.html

So much more follow-up on blackface stuff and Liam Neeson hate crime stuff since last time: https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/virginia-politics/va-atty-gen-herring-appears-in-blackface-in-photo-from-college-days/2019/02/06/9aa4aff8-2a26-11e9-984d-9b8fba003e81story.html?utmterm=.ecef10832d41 https://www.essence.com/news/virginia-police-sergeant-on-paid-leave-after-antifacist-group-exposes-alleged-white-nationalist-ties/

Mars Rover breaks down; people are weirdly emotional about it: https://www.nasa.gov/press-release/nasas-record-setting-opportunity-rover-mission-on-mars-comes-to-end

Payless is closing and I’m deeply sad: https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2019/02/15/payless-shoesource-all-u-s-stores-liquidating-and-closing/2885949002/

On this week's episode: The governor of Virginia calls blacksies ... Survivalists will seem nominally less crazy ... And we learn that Donald Trump's skin tone isn't from tanning; it's actually from his top-of-the-pyramid Oompa Loompa genes. 

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Headline Sources:

Northam is a bigot with a time machine: https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/virginia-politics/northam-mum-about-his-plans-after-a-flood-of-calls-for-his-resignation-for-racist-and-offensive-photo/2019/02/02/5883402a-26e9-11e9-90cd-dedb0c92dc17story.html?utmterm=.67ad3dc8a2a5

The Supreme Court isn’t getting rid of abortion...YET: https://www.cnn.com/2019/02/01/politics/louisiana-abortion-supreme-court/index.html

Trump interview with the New York Times: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/31/us/politics/donald-trump-interview-takeaways.html?action=click&module=Top%20Stories&pgtype=Homepage

Trump administration suspends cold war era arms treaty: https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/following-us-putin-suspends-nuclear-pact-and-promises-new-weapons/2019/02/02/8160c78e-26e3-11e9-ad53-824486280311story.html?utmterm=.2624c959ddd2

Woman paid for hotel rooms for 100 homeless people: https://wgntv.com/2019/02/01/after-one-woman-saved-chicagos-homeless-from-the-cold-an-army-of-strangers-followed-her-lead/

Mitch McConnell says making Election Day a federal holiday is a power grab by Democrats: https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/mcconnell-says-bill-that-would-make-election-day-a-federal-holiday-is-a-power-grab-by-democrats/2019/01/30/57421dd6-24bd-11e9-ad53-824486280311story.html?utmterm=.359095d7c763

On this week's episode: Eli will be deemed nonessential during the ongoing shutdown ... Donald Trump gets stuck with a truck full of watermelons after he's forced to change his catering plans last minute ... And all of you promise not to Eli this isn’t a federal job.  

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Headline Sources:

Trump cancels Pelosi's flights for spite over SOTU remark as shutdown continues: https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-46911478

Buzzfeed: Trump directed Cohen to lie to congress about Trump Tower Moscow negotiations: https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/jasonleopold/trump-russia-cohen-moscow-tower-mueller-investigation

Steve King removed from committee assignments after latest white supremacy remark: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/14/us/politics/steve-king-white-supremacy.html?module=inline

William Barr confirmation hearings: https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/national-security/barr-confirmation-hearing-trumps-attorney-general-nominee-likely-to-face-tough-questioning-today-from-senate-panel/2019/01/15/02467a16-15e0-11e9-803c-4ef28312c8b9story.html?utmterm=.f298ad3c032f

Trump serves fast food buffet to Clemson football team during White House visit: https://www.vox.com/the-goods/2019/1/15/18183617/trump-clemson-mcdonalds-burger-king-wendys-dominos

Man injects semen into his arm to cure back pain: https://www.sciencealert.com/patient-injected-himself-with-semen-thinking-it-would-cure-his-back-pain

On this week's episode: The future is female ... The Kuiper belt will continue to be bafflingly cutsie ... And Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez teams up with Kevin Bacon to legalize dancing at the federal level.

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Headline Sources:

Pence and White House officials meet with congressional aides in effort to end shutdown: https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/pence-and-white-house-officials-meet-with-congressional-aides-in-effort-to-end-shutdown/2019/01/05/7840bf4a-10fb-11e9-84fc-d58c33d6c8c7story.html?utmterm=.e4f48db61f00

Conservatives panicky about "Impeach the motherfucker" and AOC dancing: https://www.washingtonpost.com/entertainment/theaterdanc/alexandria-ocasio-cortezs-dance-video-is-goofy-joyful--and-absolutely-nothing-to-be-ashamed-of/2019/01/04/5f3add42-1046-11e9-92b8-6dd99e2d80e1story.html?utmterm=.28adfc9ee011 https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2019/01/04/hours-after-making-history-rep-rashida-tlaib-profanely-promises-impeach-trump/?utmterm=.045a55a1fb75

Congress has women and brown people in it kinda: https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/day-historic-firsts-congress-n954236

New Horizons passes Ultima Thule: https://www.space.com/42903-new-horizons-ultima-thule-flyby-data-intermission.html

China lands on far side of the moon: https://www.space.com/42914-china-far-side-moon-landing-crewed-lunar-plans.html

Kidnapper chases lady into a karate dojo: https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/kidnapper-got-more-than-he-bargained-for-when-he-chased-woman-into-karate-dojo/

Trump press conference after Schumer/Pelosi meeting: https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2019/1/4/18168860/trump-news-conference-shutdown

On this week's episode: We give Donald Trump the dickens ... Cancer’s family will express concern over its bout of Ruth Bader Ginsburg ... And the CEO of Google explains to Congress that you have to put the VCR and the TV on channel 3.

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Headline Sources:

Government shutdown because Trump doesn't get his wall funding: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/21/us/politics/trump-shutdown-border-wall.html?action=click&module=Spotlight&pgtype=Homepage

Trump withdraws from Syria; Mattis fucks off: https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/national-security/a-tumultuous-week-began-with-a-phone-call-between-trump-and-the-turkish-president/2018/12/21/

Google CEO tries to explain internets to old people: https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2018/12/11/congresswoman-google-ceo-why-when-i-search-idiot-do-i-get-pictures-trump/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.41e0edfb0856 https://thenextweb.com/insider/2018/12/12/watch-google-ceo-pichai-explains-to-congress-that-google-doesnt-make-iphones/

RBG recovering from lung surgery: https://www.npr.org/2018/12/21/679065534/justice-ruth-bader-ginsburg-undergoes-surgery-for-lung-cancer