On this week's episode: We visit some of the great losers of history ... Wisconsin Republicans have a go at just making democrats illegal ... And PETA can go fuck itself a dead horse.

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Headline Sources:

Democracy unravels in Wisconsin: https://madison.com/ct/news/local/govt-and-politics/what-happened-while-you-slept-a-guide-to-wisconsin-s/article_2b2bb8a3-9166-5ada-9a0a-be3e7deb4486.html

Woman shocked that naming her kid Abcde results in mockery: https://www.washingtonpost.com/transportation/2018/11/29/little-girl-named-abcde-was-mocked-by-southwest-gate-agent-airline-has-apologized/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.df41481301bf

GHWB funeral reminds us of how bad we fucked up in 2016: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/05/us/politics/bush-funeral-national-cathedral.html?action=click&module=Spotlight&pgtype=Homepage

Giuliani doesn’t get Twitter: https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2018/12/05/rudy-giulianis-typo-became-an-anti-trump-message-he-blamed-twitter-this-atlanta-man-pranked-him/?utm_term=.ef65efd0c1a8

French destroy the only things worth going to France for over gas prices: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2018/dec/02/paris-riots-worst-unrest-decade-with-shops-and-cars-set-alight-gilets-jaunes

PETA says phrases like "bring home the bacon" are comparable to racism and homophobia: https://www.cnn.com/2018/12/05/europe/peta-meat-idioms-scli-intl/index.html

On this week's episode: Donald trump appoints a whipping boy just in case he gets convicted of treason ... We’ll examine a supply side solution to global warming ... And Heath tells California that their wildfire nomenclature should have an exception if the origin is called Camp, Dumpster, or Schoolbus.

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Headline Sources:

Congress again calling for protection of Mueller probe against potential Whitaker sabotage: https://thinkprogress.org/republicans-dont-think-mueller-needs-protection-b61a000cf484/ https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/onpolitics/2018/11/18/trump-tweet-adam-schiff/2048756002/ https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/20/us/politics/trump-mueller-questions-answers.html

American preacher guy gets killed on remote island off of India: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/american-killed-remote-islandus5bf57271e4b03b230f9d8393

Ivanka uses private email for gov’t business: https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-46271021

Scientists propose dimming the sun with atmospheric sulfate injections to slow global warming: https://www.cnn.com/2018/11/23/health/sun-dimming-aerosols-global-warming-intl-scli/index.html?utmterm=link&utmcontent=2018-11-23T15%3A40%3A04&utmsource=twCNN&utmmedium=social

World chess championship all draws so far: https://www.theguardian.com/sport/live/2018/nov/22/magnus-carlsen-v-fabiano-caruana-world-chess-championship-game-10-live

Trump has a weird hangup about electromagnets: https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/national-security/trump-questions-technology-central-to-pentagons-plans-for-launching-aircraft-at-sea/2018/11/23/6b6384c6-ef34-11e8-baac-2a674e91502bstory.html?utmterm=.148bda88efb9

On this week's episode: Eli serves as the midterm’s Eeyore ... Noah assure everyone that it’s because Eli’s knowledge of politics is primarily derived from jerking off to The West Wing ... And Donald Trump calls a rain out on his speech because umbrellas are terrifying.

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Headline Sources:

SHS tweets doctored video to make Jim Acosta look violent: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/jim-acosta-sarah-sanders-cnn-reporter-white-house-intern-video-doctored/

Trump sends antagonistic tweet about Macron right before meeting in France: https://www.cnn.com/2018/11/10/politics/donald-trump-emmanuel-macron/index.html

Trump fires Sessions, replaces him with “MAGA Edition Chatty Cathy”: https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/federal-investigators-scrutinized-whitakers-role-in-patent-company-accused-of-fraud-according-to-people-with-knowledge-of-case/2018/11/09/e826a404-e456-11e8-ab2c-b31dcd53ca6bstory.html?utmterm=.42396f5a0143

Alibaba Singles Day sales hit over $1 billion in 85 seconds: https://www.cnn.com/2018/11/10/tech/alibaba-singles-day/index.html

Idiot troll tries to frame Robert Mueller: https://www.vox.com/2018/10/30/18044110/robert-mueller-jacob-wohl-jack-burkman-surefire

On this week's episode: We all collectively created the MAGA bomber with our imaginations ... A Florida man will put the “Aiyee!” back in IED ... And Megyn Kelly considers blackface affirmative action to get rehired by NBC.

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Headline Sources:

Turns out mail bombing campaign was not a false flag operation by Democrats: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/false-flag-conspiracies-fly-after-explosives-mailed-to-prominent-democrats/

Shooting at Pittsburgh synagogue: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/27/us/active-shooter-pittsburgh-synagogue-shooting.html

Trump admits MBS might have been involved in Khashoggi killing: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2018/oct/23/jamal-khashoggi-trump-cover-up-sanctions-visas

Megyn Kelly finds out that blackface is offensive: https://www.usnews.com/news/top-news/articles/2018-10-26/nbc-says-megyn-kelly-today-not-returning-to-the-air

Trump says he’s a nationalist: https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2018/10/24/trump-says-hes-nationalist-what-means-why-its-controversial/1748521002/

Trump uses unsecured phone to discuss national secrets: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/24/us/politics/trump-phone-security.html

On this week's episode: White House staff put Rod Rosenstein in a box with a geiger counter, a radioactive substance, and a flask of hydrocyanic acid … The US Senate is all about the advice, but not so much the consent … And Trump will kill it at the surprise self-roast he totally meant to do.

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Headline Sources:

Kavanaugh hearing: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/national/wp/2018/09/27/kavanaugh-hearing-transcript/?utm_term=.293ea9c78fa6 https://www.cnn.com/2018/09/28/politics/jeff-flake-moment-trump-kavanaugh/index.html

Trump accuses China of interfering in our elections: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/09/26/world/asia/trump-china-election.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fworld&action=click&contentCollection=world®ion=rank&module=package&version=highlights&contentPlacement=2&pgtype=sectionfront

Schrodinger's AG: https://www.vox.com/2018/9/24/17896140/rod-rosenstein-resigns-fired-mueller-trump-russia

Elon Musk being investigated by the SEC for fraud: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/09/27/business/elon-musk-sec-lawsuit-tesla.html?action=click&module=Top%20Stories&pgtype=Homepage

Trump reluctantly signs spending bill: https://www.cnbc.com/2018/09/28/trump-signs-spending-bill-to-avert-shutdown-despite-border-wall-frustration.html

Trump is literal laughing stock of the UN General Assembly: https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/people-actually-laughed-at-a-president-at-un-speech-trump-suffers-the-fate-he-always-feared/2018/09/25/990b1d52-c0eb-11e8-90c9-23f963eea204story.html?utmterm=.026e47744247 https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2018/09/25/world-leaders-stumble-upon-potent-response-trumps-claims-laughter/?utm_term=.d9ef07dca28f

On this week's episode: President Trump fills about 3000 graves with fake dudes ... We get to make fun of people who live in Eastern North Carolina with impunity ... And the American political spectrum looks like a train car with a crazy hobo named Donald in the middle.

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Headline Sources:

Trump yelling TREASON after anonymous NYT op-ed: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/09/05/opinion/trump-white-house-anonymous-resistance.html

Trump claims Puerto Ricans died just to make him look bad: https://www.npr.org/2018/09/13/647377915/trump-denies-death-toll-in-puerto-rico-falsely-claims-done-by-the-democrats

Hurricane Florence pummels the Carolinas: https://www.cnn.com/us/live-news/hurricane-florence-dle/index.html

Manafort pleads guilty to all the crimes we have a name for: https://www.politico.com/story/2018/09/14/former-trump-campaign-chairman-paul-manafort-appears-to-reach-plea-deal-823882

Jeff Bezos is giving a bunch of money to charity: https://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/science/2018/09/13/amazon-ceo-jeff-bezos-announces-2-billion-charity-fund/1289788002/

Trump wanted to print cash to pay down the national debt: https://www.cnbc.com/2018/09/11/trump-once-considered-just-printing-money-to-lower-the-national-debt-woodward-reports.html

In this week’s episode, we learn that life without Heath is a lot less “pun”, Missouri puts the term ‘beat your meat’ in legal limbo if you don’t plan on eating your penis, the Mayor of London will get totally PWNED, and John McCain will show Trump what to do if he’s serious about making America great again.

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Headlines:

New Wapo/ABC poll shows 60% disapproval rating: https://www.washingtonpost.com/page/2010-2019/WashingtonPost/2018/08/31/National-Politics/Polling/release_528.xml

London Mayor gets his own revenge balloon: https://chicago.suntimes.com/news/london-mayor-bikini-blimp-trump-baby-balloon/

Trump fucks Canada again: https://www.reuters.com/article/us-trade-nafta/u-s-mexico-reach-nafta-deal-pressure-turns-to-canada-idUSKCN1LC1E7 and https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2018/9/1/17808706/trump-off-the-record-toronto-star-canada

Death toll from hurricane Maria raised to over 3000: https://abcnews.go.com/US/death-toll-hurricane-maria-3000-puerto-rico-study/story?id=57179291

Missouri passes new meat labelling law: https://www.npr.org/2018/08/29/642937901/whats-meat-anyway-missouri-label-law-says-it-comes-from-an-animal-some-disagree

On this week's episode: The President yelling the N-word doesn't even make the back page ... The EPA will put the 'best' back in asbestos ... And that means Crayola can finally release their new childhood carcinoma shade.

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Headline Sources:

Trump revokes Brennan’s security clearance: https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/former-intelligence-officials-bite-back-after-trump-goes-after-brennans-clearance/2018/08/18/91efe7a0-a255-11e8-8e87-c869fe70a721 https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/revoke-my-security-clearance-too-mr-president/2018/08/16/8b149b02-a178-11e8-93e3-24d1703d2a7astory.html?utmterm=.c254e6c13af0

Saudis use US weapons to blow up kids in Yemen: https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/17/middleeast/us-saudi-yemen-bus-strike-intl/index.html

Asbestos finally getting fair treatment by the EPA: https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/15/opinions/trump-epa-needs-full-asbestos-ban-reinstein/index.html https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2016/08/trump-files-donald-thinks-asbestos-would-saved-world-trade-center/ https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/trump-asbestos-707642/ 

Trump team can’t even put on a goddamn parade: https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trump-blames-dc-officials-for-postponing-his-planned-military-parade/2018/08/17/e96687c8-a205-11e8-8e87-c869fe70a721

Alex Jones accused of destroying evidence related to Sandy Hook lawsuit: https://money.cnn.com/2018/08/17/media/alex-jones-sandy-hook-defamation-lawsuit/index.html

Omarosa confirms what we all knew this whole time: https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/16/politics/donald-trump-omarosa-tapes/index.html https://www.vox.com/identities/2018/8/16/17693342/donald-trump-n-word-tape-racism-omarosa-manigault-controversy

On this week's episode: We win millions by asking Donald Trump what the lottery numbers WON'T be … Winnie the Pooh will be detained by communists … And we LOSE millions by asking ELI what the best STOCKS won't be.

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Headline Sources:

Trump says impressive list of stupid things this week even for him: https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/02/politics/mueller-investigation-jeff-sessions-tweet/index.html https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/02/politics/donald-trump-shutdown/index.html https://www.cnn.com/2018/08/01/opinions/trump-has-no-earthly-clue-about-how-everyday-people-live-psaki/index.html

Update on Week One of Manafort Trial: http://thehill.com/regulation/court-battles/400327-five-things-to-know-about-manaforts-first-week-in-court

Eli got in another Facebook fight and immediately wrote a headline while typing all loud: https://www.vox.com/2018/8/3/17644704/sarah-jeong-new-york-times-tweets-backlash-racism

Trump calls LeBron James and Don Lemon stupid: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/melania-trump-comes-to-lebron-james-defense-after-presidents-insultus5b660139e4b0b15abaa3d6e7 https://www.rawstory.com/2018/08/michael-jordan-throws-support-behind-lebron-james-spat-trump-president-included-like-mike-hate-tweet/

China bans Christopher Robin: https://www.vox.com/2018/8/4/17651630/christopher-robin-banned-in-china-pooh

North Korean nuclear talks going nowhere: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-45069951

On this week's episode: Trump wouldn't even commit treason ... We lament all the Disney movies we'll never direct ... And Russia has to wean the US off its breast milk tariff idea.

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Headline Sources:

Fallout from Trump/Putin summit: https://www.vox.com/2018/7/16/17576956/transcript-putin-trump-russia-helsinki-press-conference

Disney Fires James Gunn: https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/20/entertainment/james-gunn-exits-guardians-of-the-galaxy-3/index.html

Trump whines about NFL National Anthem kneelers: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/donald-trump-flag-kneeling-tweetus5b526248e4b0fd5c73c56f20

Maria Butina arrested: https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2018/jul/16/maria-butina-charged-spying-russia-us-doj <> https://www.cnn.com/2018/07/20/politics/mueller-manhattan-madam/index.html

Eli wastes a headline making a specious argument about what Heath said about Tesla: https://money.cnn.com/2018/07/19/technology/business/tesla-downgrade/index.html

Trump's UN delegation declares war on breast milk: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2018/07/09/the-pro-life-trump-administration-declared-war-on-breast-milk/