Our families fade from us. It is an effort to keep them by our side. The Story knows how our minds slip and slosh!

Anyhowwww, today is Devon’s birthday, and we threw a special service just for him. He is our groundskeeper, and a pathetic man. Forgive us for including him.

Invocation

Devon’s Birthday Memories

Liturgical Reading: “The Passage of Memory”

The Matter of Chalms’ Identity

We have videos! Oh so many for your eyes and gentle mouths. Watch here: youtube.com/thestorymustbetold

Bury a bone in the flesh matrix. Bark, growl, and yip, ya goof! Pet ownership is difficult, but so is pet personship. If you—even for a second—think this is supposed to be funny, you can trot off to a euthanasiarium, cuz this one is SERIOUS.

Guest Preacher Holden McNeely (Wizard and the Bruiser & Page 7 podcasts, holdenatorsho on Twitch)

Invocation

Waxy Slime

Liturgical Reading: “He Thinks He’s Sklorripu”

Concluding Metamorphosis

Swell on it wholesale. Plump on the newest video at youtube.com/thestorymustbetold

Beloved guest preacher and devoted congregant Cardinal Ed Larson returns to tell us the Story of his latest tale of derring-do. With guest appearances from Meryl Streep, Kevin James, Dax Shepard and MIKE MYERS*.

Guest Preacher: Ed Larson (Podcast: The Brighter Side, Historical Roasts with Jeff Ross, Thick Skin with Jeff Ross, Roundtable of Gentlemen)

Invocation

Chalms is teething!

Cardinal Ed Larson in Took'd!

Concluding Prayer

We have some real hotty totty videos coming out. The newest one will drop on Thursday UH HUHHHH.

* All celebrity voices impersonated flawlessly.

In place of Its traditional Service, the Story has an important announcement for the congregation. The Story is bold, mysterious and greasy. Might we endure Its proclamation with fear and greasy jubilation.

Kitchen appliances hate you. Your microwave talks behind your back, and your blender blends only spite. We all have emotional mixups, and that includes the less conventionally sentient.

Guest Preacher: Katie Hartman (“The Week Of” on Netflix, Skinny Bitch Jesus Meeting)

Invocation

Psalm: “Pain Cereal”

Liturgical Reading: “The Object Therapist”

Concluding Prayer

We love you. We beg the Story to treat you right. Heh heh, we’ll see if It listens.

Chugga chugga chugga chugga, choo choo. Choo choo Story chugga chugga choo CHOO! Story chugga choo, Story chugga chugga. Train whistle! Train whistle, Story! Heh, chugga choooo.

Invocation

The Rite of the Blessing Hose

Liturgical Reading: “Come on Ride a Train”

Concluding Prayer

This is likely the last of our refurbished Stories from the apocrypha of season 1. Embrace it like your son returned to you after six years exile. Next week, we’ll have something sweet and new, ooh, and your son will leave you again.

Anyone could be you. You are a buncha bodily tics and vocal inflections. A rude friend or knowing coworker could rip you apart to everyone’s amusement, you bet. Could rip you up like deli cuts of ham, heh heh.

Guest Preacher: Henry Zebrowski (Last Podcast on the Left, Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell)

Invocation

Impressions of the Clergy

Liturgical Reading: “Last Impressions”

Concluding Prayer

Next week we got something spicy, and it’ll get you grinning, most like.

What is your most prized possession? Did you say, “The Story?” WRONG. You cannot own the Story. Did you say, “I dunno, grease?” WRONG. Grease is purely transactional, and cannot be accrued. Did you say, “The B**?” Heh heh, ohhh triiiicky. Enjoy this Story from the vault of Season One, and sup proper on our congealing truth.

Invocation

Cooking with the Story

Liturgical Reading: “The Auction”

Tasting

We return next week with a hot truth ready to blister in your sweet mouth.

I remember your face. Yes, those fine lines, the scar, the dead tooth, the way your eyes go dead at the word “Story.” Here, we all know your face. Here, we’ve waited, eager for your arrival. We know you more than you know yourself. Let us guide you.

Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm)

Invocation

Petitions for a Gooey Congregation

Liturgical Reading: “The Famous Man”

Concluding Prayer

Don’t forget to punish yourself. For what? Oh, congregant, you know. YOU know.

Witness a laboratory of pain! Enjoy the wracking breaths of mechanical life! Grin at the abasements, or perhaps, shed a salty tear. Nothing unites us like pain, especially when it’s for another.

Guest Preacher: Ashley Brooke Roberts (@AshleyBRoberts, the Reality Blows podcast)

Invocation

A Surprise for a Lost Woman

Liturgical Reading: “How Do You Torture It?”

Concluding Prayer

The Story is hiding inside you. Take a spoon and find it!