The Therapy Gents

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Sophocles - "The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities."
Epicticus - "Men are disturbed not by things, but the view which they take of them."

Four Basic Goals of IFS
Liberate parts from the roles they've been forced into, so they can be who they're designed to be.
Restore trust in the Self and Self-leadership.
Reharmonize the inner system.
Become more Self-led in your interactions in the world.

Five Things to Know About Parts
Parts are innate.
There aren't any bad ones.
You often have to earn their trust.
They can cause a lot of damage to your body and your life.
They are very important and deserve to be taken seriously.

The Types of Parts - Mapping Our Inner System

Exiles: "These are often the younger ones that have frequently been called inner child in our culture." Traumas or attachment injuries can freeze these younger parts in that time of hurt.
"Once you have a lot of exiles, you feel far more delicate and the world seems more dangerous because there are so many things and people and situations that could trigger them." "When we have lots of exiles, our protectors have no choice but to be egotistic, hedonistic, or dissociative."

Two Types of Protectors.

Managers: Managers are parentified inner children. These parts can show up in a variety of ways. They often try to control things going in the outside world and the inner world. People pleasing, hypervigilant, dissociative (use intellect to stay out of the body), or protect by tearing down. "What they all have in common is the desire to preempt the triggering of our exiles by controlling, pleasing, or disconnecting us."

Firefighters: These are the protectors that come in fast to put out the "emotional fire" from the triggered exile part.
"Depending on how much you fear your exiles, your firefighters will resort to desperate measures with little regard for the collateral damage to your health or your relationships." The reaction of suicidal thoughts comes from firefighters. Additionally, firefighters can turn us toward drugs, alcohol, social-media, sexual compulsivity, or other unhealthy coping mechanisms.

But where do these parts come from?
As a small child we are not able to fully understand the world around us or what is actually happening. We are unable to physically protect ourselves and can not adequately provide for ourselves. This is where the protector parts begin to develop. The little child, the Self, is hurt and a protector shows up to save the child. As a little child this is actually very sophisticated, but when carried on into adulthood it has the tendency to get in the way of everything. Also, these protectors create a lack of trust in the Self, so the little child stops trusting in the Self and relies on the reactions of Managers or Firefighters.

When Protectors Evolve: Sometimes a reactive behavior, or coping mechanism, of a firefighter will become the preemptive tool of a manager. i.e. Alcohol: Firefighter gets drunk, Manager is alway drunk.

"The exile is healed with Self retrieves it from where it is stuck in the past."
When we have healed, our burdens are lightened, and our protectors will often take on new roles within us. For example - The critic may become your biggest cheerleader, the manager that kept you hidden will now help you shine, the firefighter who got you to drink will remind you how strong you are and that you can do things without getting drunk, or the part that kept you from talking now guides you to be more authentic and assertive.

The Eight C's of Self
Curiosity
Calm
Confidence
Compassion
Creativity
Clarity


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Show notes:

Fear is the most powerful of emotions
Franklin D Roosevelt - "The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself."
Yoda: "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."
-potential to create self-discovery
Collective unconscious and Fear - pandemics, politics, spirituality vs secularism, morals and values
How does society respond to fear?
How do you respond to fear in your relationship?
How does your shame affect your fear response?
How does your trauma affect your fear response?
H.P. Lovecraft - "The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown."
Fear as a Dragon - book 'There's No Such Thing as a Dragon'
-As long as you're afraid of something it has power over you.
Fantasy and Fears - Fear creates a sense of unsafety, creating fantasy around what is unsafe can change how the fear is experienced. Fantasy can also be used as a dissociative coping mechanism to avoid fear. Fantasies can be viewed as an attempt to rewrite history.
Fear and the Brain - The brain can not be reactive and curious at the same time.
Fear is reactive (fight, flight, freeze, fawn)
Curiosity brings compassion and understanding
When I am open about my fear I am more likely to be able to overcome
Taking the risk to face the fear will open up at least two possibilities, the first being potential and the second being closure.

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How do you experience Love in your life?

Love is a noun and a verb?

Noun  
1. A beloved person
2. A great interest and pleasure in something (can be sexual desire)
3. An intense feeling of deep affection.
4. Unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another

Verb   
1. To feel deep affection for someone 
2. To like or enjoy something very much
3. To hold dear
4. To take pleasure in (“I love to play the piano”)
5. To copulate

Greek words for love:

1. Agape: selfless universal love, unconditional love, intense devotion to someone
2. Eros: comes from the Greek god of love, romantic love, lust, passionate, being consumed with, often lacking any form of commitment 
3. Philia: affectionate love which is built over time, brotherly love
4. Storge: familiar love (the type of love families feel for each other) fondness or affection for someone that grows over time and through shared values, it also 
5. Ludus: infatuation, crush, the first stages of love, playfulness
6. Pragma: long lasting love found in marriages, mature and realistic love, genuine commitment to each other
7. Mania: obsessive love, jealousy, co-dependent, often seen as an unbalance between Eros and Philia
8. Philautia: self-love, healthy view of self, boundaried
9. Meraki: creative kind of love, passion put into your work, since of satisfaction in completed tasks

In what ways do your words and your actions line up to show your love for your partner?

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Michael & Andy break down both healthy & unhealthy coping mechanisms: and how to see the difference!

Common Unhealthy Coping mechanisms: avoidance/isolation, substance abuse, pornography, self-harm,dissociation, excessive screen time (over 1.5 hours of non-productive screen use), perfectionism, blaming/victim mentality, food, gambling, work, exercise (hours a day and you’re not a professional athlete), irritability/aggression, denial, and many others

Stress Response | Stress Response Turned Inward | Self-Compassion
Fight | Self-criticism | Self-kindness
Flight | Isolation | Common humanity
Freeze | Rumination | Mindfulness
Fawn | Self-criticism | All three

Byron Kaytie’s CBT approach to ANTs

1. Is it true?
2. Is it absolutely true—are you 100 % sure it is true?
3. How do you feel when you have the thought?
4. How would you feel if you didn’t have that thought?

Find ways to slow your system down - yoga, mindfulness, meditation, walks, music, drives, progressive muscle relaxation, visualizations, Compassionate Voice, 5-senses, Butterfly hug, ice cube exercise, cold plunge (Wim Hoff), body scans, peaceful place & container, paradox exercises (5-15 minute permission given), TICES, 

Lao Tuz - “Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”

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Today Michael & Andy discuss trauma. They break down acute, chronic and complex trauma, how to address and heal from trauma, and several therapeutic modalities that have evidence based benefits to addressing trauma.

If you have any questions you want to ask The Therapy Gents please be sure to reach out to us at our email: [email protected]

Also be sure to rate our podcast if you enjoyed todays episode!

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In today's episode Michael & Andy discuss the value we can draw from popular culture and thought leaders by sharing several valuable quotes. Everything from Star Wars to Carl Jung contains wisdom and application to marriage, relationships, addiction, trauma and more.

If you have any questions you want to ask The Therapy Gents please be sure to reach out to us at our email: [email protected]

Also be sure to rate our podcast if you enjoyed todays episode!

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In today's episode Michael & Andy break down common cognitive distortions people face. There are many cognitive distortions that affect us. They affect our relationships, our perception of the world around us, and our self esteem. 

If you have any questions you want to ask The Therapy Gents please be sure to reach out to us at our email: [email protected]

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In today's episode Michael and Andy build on last week's discussion of the 7 deadly wounds with Mark & Debbie Laaser's 7 Desires. Those desires are to be Heard & Understood, Affirmed, Grateful (Blessed), Safe, Have Meaningful Touch, Be Chosen and Be Included. 

If you have any questions you want to ask The Therapy Gents please be sure to reach out to us at our email: [email protected]

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In today's episode Michael and Andy break down what Bob Schuchts describes as the 7 deadly wounds in his book "Be Healed."

If you have any questions you want to ask The Therapy Gents please be sure to reach out to us at our email: [email protected]

Also be sure to rate our podcast if you enjoyed todays episode!

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In Today's episode Michael and Andy discuss how we can learn from the psychology of Lobsters to better understand human mental health! They discuss reward systems in the brain and how chemicals like dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin help influence our stability. 

If you have any questions you want to ask The Therapy Gents please be sure to reach out to us at our email: [email protected]

Also be sure to rate our podcast if you enjoyed todays episode!