The Therapy Gents

Send us Fan Mail

Quote: Seneca - “It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste much of it.”

Why are the holidays so great, but cause so many problems?

Who shows up to the holidays?

1. The Oversharer (aka The Dirty Laundry Dance)
2. The “I can do that” relative
3. The Criticizer
4. The Ultimatum Maker
5. The “I’m so busy I can’t talk” (aka The Avoider)
6. The “Why aren’t you married yet?” old person

The Six Types of Boundaries by Nedra Tawwab

1. Physical
2. Sexual
3. Intelectual
4. Emotional
5. Material
6. Time

What are some common boundary violations? 

How do I change my boundaries during the holidays? Why can I hold a boundary all year, but once the holidays come, I fall apart?

Have my boundaries become too porous or rigid this holiday season?

Extra tools to hold the boundaries: Communicate early and often (which means you have to plan ahead); make boundaries realistic; support system; say NO; understand your triggers; use accountability, not blame, to express boundaries; self-care and mindfulness; be willing to reevaluate and adapt boundaries.

Relapse prevention planning for the Holidays is very similar to setting boundaries. 

Activities: self-care, meditation, exercise, connection, 12-step meetings, regular accountability, avoid toxic situations, hold boundaries, offer yourself grace, and a little more connection.

Quote: Robert Frost - “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”

Don’t let a difficult holiday experience, or let down, ruin how you view yourself. Don’t allow a slip to tell you, you lost everything and are back to zero. 

Send us Fan Mail

Quotes: 

Socrates - “The unexamined life is not worth living.”

Aristotle - “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”

Epictetus - “We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how we respond to them.”

Seneca - “He suffers more than necessary, who suffers before it is necessary.” 

What does self-discovery really mean?

Why does it matter to understand yourself?

Aspects of self-discovery look like: Interpersonal reflection; Values, Morals and Beliefs; Passions or interests; How we face challenges; Mindfulness and our ability to be present; Acceptance of self; External influences and integration; 

In what ways can counseling help with self-discovery? (A ChatGPT answer) - Offers an open and non-judgmental space. The reflective listening from the counselor helps clients hear and understand their own thoughts more clearly. Probing questions from the counselor helps to identify patterns. Deeper exploration of values and beliefs. Feedback and Validation. Development of coping strategies and mindfulness. 

What gets in the way of self-discovery?

Some classical examples of self-discovery: Frodo Baggins, Luke Skywalker, and Jack Skellington.

Places to go to better help understand who you are: 

understandmyself.com The Big 5 Aspect Scale - Agreeableness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Neuroticism, Openness to Experience 

yourmorals.org - Care, Equality, Loyalty, Authority, Purity, Proportionality

Send us Fan Mail

Carl Jung - “What we resist, persists.”

Drew Boa - “Sexual fantasy is an attempt to rewrite reality in our lives in a sexual way.”

Background on porn on how treatment used to work vs now. 

Cycle of addictive behavior

Questions: 

Did I, as a little kid, find porn, or did porn find me?

In what ways do I use fantasy as a protection?

Sexual Fantasy:
Fear into safety
Shame into glory
Loss into connection

Suffering at its core is often about fear, shame, and loss. 

Hallmarks of Addiction:
Compulsion
Impaired Control
Persistence
Irritability
Relapse
Cravings

Resources:
Books: 

Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes

The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornogrphy by Wendy and Larry Maltz

Your Brain on Porn: Internet Pornographyand the Emergind Science of Addition by Gary Wilson

 Healing the Wounds of SExual Addiction by Mark Laaser

Unwanted by Jay Stringer

Podcasts:
Unashamed Unafraid
Sex, Love, and Addiction with Dr. Rob
Conversations with Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife
Husband Material with Drew Boa
Overcome Pornography for Good with Sara Brewer
Betrayal Recovery Radio
Restore the Glory
Natasha Helfer (https://www.natashahelfer.com/)

Send us Fan Mail

Dr. Amit Ray, “Mind is a flexible mirror, adjust it, to see a better world.” 

He also said “The true essence of meditation is not in the technique but in the quality of your presence. It’s about being fully present and aware in each moment.”

Meditation as a daily practice brings a long list of positive benefits: Anxiety and Stress Reduction, Increase of Concentration or Focus, Improved Sleep, Increase of Vascular System, Lower Blood Pressure, Improve Immune System, Pain Reduction, Spiritual Growth, Increase Mind/Body Connection, Ability to Be Present, Increase Resiliency, and Reduce Inflammation, among other benefits. 

What is actually happening when we meditate? - We are turning on the Parasympathetic Nervous system. The vagus nerve is also activated which increases our health and reduces stress. 

Why do people usually suggest meditation as a daily practice? 

What could a daily practice look like?

How should one breathe while meditating?

Where to find good meditations: Headspace, Calm, Waking Up, and for all of you who don’t want to pay for one more subscription there is always YouTube.

Send us Fan Mail

Quote: Carl Jung - “Your vision will become clear only when you look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”

Brief history - CBT can be traced back to the early Behaviorists like B.F. Skinner in the 1950's. They would track observable behaviors and use desensitization techniques, exposure therapies, and the like to work with anxieties and neuroses. Then came Aaron Beck’s work in the 1960’s on depression and how our thoughts played a pivotal role in emotional disorders. This moved forward to realizing the interconnection of Thoughts, Emotions, and Behaviors.

Basic Cycle to Understand: Event → Thought → Feeling → Behavior, creating a new Event

On to the Tools:

Check out last week’s Episode on the Thought Record, a great tool

Behavioral Experiment:

1. Identify the ANT to test (“No one really wants me at the party. It was a pity invite.”)
2. Experiment or Test - Go to the party
3. Prediction - This is what you think might happen. Rate what you expect to feel after the experiment.
4. Run the Experiment -  Take notice of what actually happens and how you actually feel. Rate what you felt after the experiment.
5. New Thought - Looking at the actual evidence, what is the new thought about you?

Fact or Opinion:

Example 1 - I do bad on a test, may lead to the opinion of “I’m stupid.” If we look at the facts of the test, ie how much did I study, how do I normally perform in this subject, how my overall score compares to my friends.

Example 2 - I just had an argument with my spouse, may lead to the opinion of “My wife/husband hates me.” 

Cost/Benefit Analysis:

1. Identify the ANT you want to change, and write it out.
2. List out the negative costs in your daily life associated with the ANT and rate it.
3. List out the potential benefits of changing this thought and rate the importance.

CBT Card Decks- on Amazon here: https://shorturl.at/ikDT2

Send us Fan Mail

In today's episode Michael and Andy break down a common CBT intervention for anxiety known as 'Thought Records.' This process challenges our thoughts in healthy ways to better acquaint ourselves with not just what is making us anxious, but why that anxiety is so strong. We are often stuck in thought loops when such anxiety only focuses on supporting itself. Thought records train our minds to break through these loops to develop a more balanced understanding of ourselves and our anxiety. 

Send us Fan Mail

What is really the difference between all the ways we label taking care of oneself? 

Self-confidence, self-compassion, self-esteem, self-care, self-help, ect. 

“The flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it. It just blooms.” from book Zen Shin Talks

Let’s start from the beginning. How do parents play a role in the way their child views themself?

Balance between love and responsibility. 

Where does my capacity fall into all of this? (I really want to be a pro basketball player)

Effects of comparison (comparison kills happiness) and other cognitive distortions (i.e. believing every ANT in your mind). 

Learn to combat the ANTs and build self-confidence. 

Carl Jung - “Mistakes are, after all, the foundations of truth, and if a man does not know what a thing is, it is at least an increase in knowledge if he knows what it is not.”  

Send us Fan Mail

Marcus Aurelius was the Roman Emperor from 161AD to 180AD. He was also a Stoic and a Philosopher. He was the last of the “Five Good Emperors” of Rome. He was adopted by Antoninus, who was the successor of Hadrian. 

Marcus Aurelius had no intention of publishing Meditations. The book was a journal to himself to explore the concepts of self discipline, justice, courage, and wisdom. He speaks of shortcomings, dealing with anger and emotions, and learning to become your potential. 

Meditations a new translation by Gregory Hays and Modern Library

Book 1

1. My Grandfather: Character and self-control
2. My Father: Integrity and manliness
3. My Mother: Her reverence for the divine, her generosity, her inability not only to do wrong but even to conceive of doing it. And the simple way she lived - not in the least like the rich.
4. My Great-Grandfather: To avoid the public schools, to hire good private teachers, and to accept the resulting costs as money well-spent. 

Book 3

1. How to act: 
   1. Never under compulsion, out of selfishness, without forethought, with misgivings.
   2. Don’t gussy up your thoughts.
   3. No surplus words or unnecessary actions. 
   4. Let the spirit in you represent a man, an adult, a citizen, a Roman, a ruler. Taking up his post like a soldier and patiently awaiting his recall from life. Needing no oath or witness.
   5. Cheerfulness. Without requiring other people’s help. Or serenity supplied by others.
   6. To stand up straight - not straightened. 

Book 4 

1. 3. Overall message is that in order to be happy you need to learn to go inward, it is your perception that makes you happy.
   1. “Things have no hold on the soul. They stand there unmoving outside it. Disturbance comes only from within - from our own perceptions.” – Compare this to IFS and how the Self is not harmed, nor carries burdens. 
2. “If you seek tranquility, do less.” Or (more accurately) do what’s essential - what the logos of a social being requires, and in the requisite way. Which brings a double satisfaction: to do less, better. 

Because most of what we say and do is not essential. If you can eliminate it, you’ll have more time, and more tranquility. Ask yourself at every moment, “Is this necessary?” 

But we need to eliminate unnecessary assumptions as well. To eliminate the unnecessary actions that follow. 

Book 8

1. Remember: you shouldn’t be surprised that a fig tree produces figs, nor the world what it produces. A good doctor isn’t surprised when his patients have fevers.
2. Stop perceiving the pain you imagine and you’ll remain completely unaffected. (cognitive distortions at work here)

Book 9

1. Leave other people’s mistakes where they lie.

Book 11

1. Have I done something for the common good? Then I share in the benefits. 

To stay centered on that. Not to give up. 

Book 12

1. Throw out your misperceptions and you’ll be fine. And who’s stopping you from throwing them out? 

Send us Fan Mail

In today's episode Michael & Andy break down the Heroes Journey and how it can relate to our own therapeutic journeys through life!

Send us Fan Mail

Today's Podcast is brought to us by a set of topics asked about by Nananu. We appreciate your thoughts and the topics you asked us to explore.
When we think of self-image, which do you think would affect it more? Lying or Avoiding Responsibility.
What is the most common lie we all make?
Virginia Woolf once said, "You can not find peace by avoiding life."
Who lies? Who avoids responsibility?
Common results when we lie: loss of trust, damaged relationships, pain, loss of authenticity, increase of fear, not able to be vulnerable, distortion of morals and values, increased stress and anxiety, not dependable, escalation of lies to cover the previous lie, avoidance of responsibility, and many more.
Common results when we avoid taking responsibility: most of the same stuff, and victim mentality, blame of others, decreased problem-solving skills, impaired decision making, isolation, stunted personal growth, lack of conflict resolution skills, resentments, and many more.
With so many negative results from lying and avoiding responsibility, why do people do these things so often?
IFS and the Self
Cicero said: "The most powerful control we can ever attain, is to be in control of ourselves."