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Ep. 051 Self-Compassion

Self-Compassion = Way of relating to the self kindly and accepting who we are and how we are. The 3 elements of Self-Compassion are: 1. Kindness; 2. Common Humanity; and 3. Mindfulness. In other words - It is a loving, connected presence with self. 

Self-Esteem = Global evaluation of self, increases the thought or belief that I have to be special, research has shown a strong correlation to the increase of narcissism since self-esteem movement started, perfectionism, inadequacy, and it is contingent on success.

• Self-Kindness vs Self-Judgment
• Common Humanity vs Isolation
• Mindfulness vs Over-identification

Physiological effects of self-criticism - triggers the sympathetic nervous system (Fight or Flight) response, you are the attacker and the attacked at the same time. 

Self-pity is the enemy of Self-Compassion

Connection with self and others activates the parasympathetic nervous system (Rest and Digest)

Self-Compassion has very few pitfalls in its practice. There are no comparisons, no association to narcissism or perfectionism. 

Christopher Germer - “Love reveals everything unlike itself” 

This is why it is common that people will think they are doing it “wrong” because as they begin to be self-compassionate they often feel opposite. 

Carl Jung - “Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.”

Eckhart Tolle - “Only the truth of who you are, if realized, will set you free.”

Exercise 2: Self-Compassion Break

Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.

Now, say to yourself:

1. This is a moment of suffering

That’s mindfulness. Other options include:

• This hurts.
• Ouch.
• This is stress.

2. Suffering is a part of life

That’s common humanity. Other options include:

• Other people feel this way.
• I’m not alone.
• We all struggle in our lives.

Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. Or adopt the soothing touch you discovered felt right for you.

Say to yourself:

3. May I be kind to myself

You can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:

• May I give myself the compassion that I need
• May I learn to accept myself as I am
• May I forgive myself
• May I be strong.
• May I be patient

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• What keeps people stuck in a job they don't like?
• Is it the job or is it me? - Dealing with situational mental health 
• Turning Self-sabotage into Self-promotion.

The following is a short list of things that can keep us stuck or trapped in a position we do not want to be in: fear of rejection, self-doubt, perfectionism, perceived lack of opportunities, loyalty to company or boss, fear of the unknown, financial stability (or at least you know what you make), lack of confidence, external pressures, family, negative views about change, the company offers insurance, impostor syndrome, no goals or aspirations (no clear aim to improve oneself), risk aversions, isolation from those who could help you progress, no good mentorship or leader to look up to

• What can I do to prepare for a job change?
• How does someone ask for a promotion?

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Today's episode features several questions from all of you! Michael and Andy both gathered questions on social media to do a mental health Q&A. If you would like to toss a question into the mix for our next Q&A episode, feel free to email them to [email protected]

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In today's episode Michael and Andy break down some dating advise! First date advise, red flags, goals to consider and more. Dating can be daunting and finding a balance between putting your best foot forward and being yourself can be difficult but we're here help!

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In this episode Michael talks about how the traumatic things of our past does not need to determine our future. Michael makes some references to the book series "Fablehaven" and also a slogan from the book "1984" which read (and was paraphrased in the podcast) "Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past."

Michael also explores how to address the different parts of ourself to heal from the past so that the past does not control the future. 

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CS Lewis - “I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.”

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross - “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.”

Queen Elizabeth II - “Grief is the price we pay for love.”

Dostoevsky - “The darker the night, the brighter the stars, the deeper the grief, the closer to God.”

Helen Keller - “What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.”

What forms does grief come into our lives? - death, love lost, missed dreams, job loss, choices of others, changes in marriage, divorce, illness, and more. 

The 5 Stages of Grief - by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, in her book “On Death and Dying” - 1. Denial, 2. Anger, 3. Bargaining, 4. Depression, 5. Acceptance. 

Tools:

Connection with those you love.

Meditations on grief

Allow yourself to feel and accept the grief and whole range or emotions that follow

Offer yourself compassion and patience

Self-care

Talk to those you love and allow them to help you (food, cleaning, babysitting, yardwork…)

Find meaning in your loss and ways to honor them

Notice the cycle of grief, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year mark

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Ep. 045 What Healing from Trauma Can Look Like

E.E. Cummings - “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”

Why is it hard to talk about trauma? 

Bessel vdK said that “traumatized people are not popular people because they remind us about how irrational society is and rational solutions can not take care of those traumatized.” There had been too much shame around trauma and the inhumanity that is often involved with trauma. He also said,“After trauma your brain gets chained, you see the world differently, and you live in a different body in a different world. The great challenge of trauma treatment is to help to feel fully alive and to detoxify themself from the trauma.”

Bessel’s work with yoga and trauma showed much better results than any of the studies he did with pharmaceuticals. 

PTSD treatment with MDMA and Psilocybin allow people to see themselves with compassion. Difference between studies and common use today. 

Gabor Mate - “Suffering is not because of the pain we experience, but because of our refusal to accept the pain.” …. “What creates the trauma is not that something hurts, but that we don’t know how to be with that pain. So we build all these defenses against it and we close our hearts.”  Gabor’s 7 Impacts of Trauma: 1. Separation from self, 2. Disconnection from others, 3. Altered worldview, 4. Lifelong pain, 5. Cognitive development, 6. Personal shame, and 7. Difficulty being present

Dan Siegal’s mapping of intention. Healing from trauma changes how we map other people’s intentions.  Trauma work creates a Flexible, Adaptable, Coherent, Energized, and Stable State.

Physiological responses to healing. Peter Levine’s story of Haim Dasberg, who was a leading researcher for Holocaust survivors. Haim had dealt with life long, severe back pain. The pain was connected to when he was a doctor in WWII and his truck was ambushed, everyone but him was killed. He had been thrown out of the truck and not noticed. Back pain was gone after TRE work. 

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Marcus Aurelius - “You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”

What are some common signs of trauma? 

Hypervigilance, hyper- or hypo-arousal, avoidance behaviors, flashbacks, memory problems (fragmented or suppressed), dissociation, dysregulated emotions, relationship problems, addictions, self-harm, low self-confidence, shame, ANTs, weight changes, social withdrawal or increased social activity, difficulty articulating thoughts or views, a myriad of physical symptoms, and more. 

Trauma is something that happens to you that is beyond your ability to respond to it. 

Trauma does not stop when the event stops. It continues in the brain, creating maladapted neural networks saying “I’m not safe”, “I’m in danger”. Difficulty with coordinating thoughts and feelings. 

Bessel van der Kolk on childhood trauma - 1. Problems with attention: ability to focus, get stuck, hijacked, 2. Affect regulation: emotions help organize what to do, where to go, how to orient our bodies. Traumatized people will get stuck in the emotions (too big or too quiet), leading to maladaptive behaviors (addictions, self-harm, eating disorders, ect.). 3. Relationships: the world is not a safe place, protective strategies come into play (aggressive, co-dependant, people pleaser, ect.) 

Client statement once a childhood trauma came to light; “I know it’s true, but I can’t believe it.”

How does trauma affect our ability to feel pleasure and joy? 

Epictetus - “Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them.”

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Why use daily tools or do daily activities? 

Aristotle - “Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all.”

Epictetus - “There are certain things you can control and certain things you can not control, and you must know the difference.”

Serenity Prayer - “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Do I trust myself to treat myself in a way that will heal me?

The Holy Trinity of Mental Health

Meditation or Mindfulness

Gratitude and Affirmations 

Thought Records

Journaling

Deep Breathing

Technology Fast

Create Connection

Grounding

Self-Compassion

Book Six Pillars of Self-Esteemby Nathaniel Branden

Am I being “obedient” or “responsible”?

-Obedient looks like motivated by external factors, follow orders, may have difficulty seeing choices and options, finds it hard to decide, has difficulty expressing, personal needs, as a “you win, I lose” mentality.

-Responsible looks like motivated by internal factors, makes choices, typically more confident, self-worth is defined internally, understands “I am not my behaviors“, better, able to predict outcomes, cooperative.

Finish the sentence:

• if I put 5% more effort on being present today…
• If I pay more attention to how my body feels today….
• If I noticed my impulse to avoid unpleasant feelings…,
• If I live 5% more in alignment with my values and morals….

From Atomic Habits, by James Clear

Habit Stacking - add a new habit to an existing one (ie running and listening to a book)

Habit Tracking - it is hard to know how much something is helping if you’re not tracking it

Environment Design - small changes in your environment 

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Selflessness vs Selfishness 

What am I planting in my mind? Screens, news, friends, family, books, ect (Garden Metaphor)

Do I know my parts and how they operate? Protectors and Exiles (Parts in daily life vs reactive parts vs wounded parts). Self - inherent healing capacity, soul, inner wisdom, spiritual, a state of being. 

1. If you feel like you hate everyone - eat
2. If you feel everyone hates you - sleep
3. If you feel like you hate yourself - shower
4. If you feel overwhelmed by your thoughts - write them down
5. If you feel stuck in the past - plan for the future
6. If you feel anxious about the future - focus on the present
7. If you feel restless - take a long walk
8. If you feel like giving up - remember a time you succeeded 

By @optiimusmind