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Ep. 070 Types of Separations

What are some reasons people may think about separation? 

The “Deal Breakers” vs the Small Perpetual Problems. (Othen times the “deal breakers” we proclaim in the beginning are more solvable after years of marriage, and the smaller perpetual problems are the ones that tear us apart.) 

Deal Breaker: issues or behaviors that threaten the relationship: boundary violations, value changes, violations of trust, respect, safety, betrayal, and abuse - physical, sexual, emotional, or psychological. 

Perpetual Problems: repetitive, recurring, or frequent disagreements or differences in personality traits and lifestyle patterns that are not harmful to the relationship, yet they cause tension, frustration, and arguments. 

Why do couples choose to stay together even during difficult times? (The chaos I know is better than the chaos I don’t know.)

What is the difference between a Therapeutic Separation and a Separation? 

Therapeutic Separation:

• Goal: Aims to repair and improve the relationship.
• Guidance: Often facilitated by a therapist or counselor.
• Structure: Establishes clear rules, timelines, goals for individual and couple, boundaries around physical touch/intimacy, time with kids, finances, and who moves out
• Focus: Promotes self-growth and reflection for both partners while addressing the root issues in therapy. (abuse, addiction, codependency, infidelity, parenting, ect)
• Outcome: Designed to help couples make an informed decision about their future together.

Standard Separation:

• Goal: Typically involves living apart with no structured plan or therapeutic involvement.
• Guidance: May not involve professional assistance.
• Structure: Often informal and open-ended, with fewer agreed-upon terms.
• Focus: Allows space for individual reflection without necessarily working on the relationship.
• Outcome: Often leads to either divorce or reconciliation without a clear roadmap.

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“What’s one thing you’d like to accomplish this year?”
Common Pitfalls with Resolutions
Use the SMART framework (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant,
Time-bound).
Staying Engaged with Goals
Track Progress:
○ Use apps, journals, or habit trackers to monitor your journey.
○ Celebrate small wins to maintain momentum.
Adjust as Needed:
○ Goals aren’t set in stone; life changes, so should your plans.
○ Regularly review and tweak your goals.
Build a Support Network:
○ Surround yourself with people who encourage and inspire you.
○ Share your progress with them to stay accountable.
Reward Yourself:
○ Set milestones and treat yourself when you achieve them.
○ Keep rewards aligned with your goals (e.g., a new workout outfit for fitness milestones).

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In today's episode Michael and Andy discuss the phenomenon of "Phubbing" aka: snubbing somebody in your real life because your attention is on your phone. They break down research, ways to be self aware and not lose sight of valuable human connection at the expense of small dopamine hits from your phone!

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EP. 067: Wisdom from Quotes

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife - “We prefer the fantasy that we are owed happiness to the idea that we need to take responsibility for creating it.”

Hippocrates - “Before you heal someone, ask him if he’s willing to give up the things that make him sick.”

Lao Tzu - “Do not conquer the world with force, for force only causes resistance.” 

Epicurus - “Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”

CS Lewis - “Since it is so likely that children will meet cruel enemies, let them at least have heard of brave knights and heroic courage. Otherwise you are making their destiny not brighter but darker.”

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In today's episode Michael and Andy discuss their experience with elections through the years, their thoughts on the right to vote, how to have political conversations with friends and family, and important self care tips for election night when the stakes feel high. 

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Blood Flood

Retirement and Aging

Genetics 

Head Trauma

Toxins

Mental Health

Immunity and Infections

Neurohormone Issues

Diabesity

Sleep 

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Ep. 064 Fight Right - A Gottman Book Review

Plato: “Be Kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

Epictetus: “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”

“It is not what you say, but how you say it.”

Cicero: “In anger, nothing right or judicious can be done.”

What do we really fight about? Most often NOTHING - meaning anything can turn into a fight

Bids for Connection - “anything you do or your partner does to try to get the other person’s attention and connection with them.” 

• Turn Towards - respond positively
• Turn Away - ignore or delay response, “In a minute”
• Turn Against - respond negatively

Two Types of Fights: Solvable vs Perpetual

Nearly 70% of all fights fall into the perpetual category. - “There is no magical, conflict-free relationship out there - it simply doesn’t exist. The goal then is to live well with these points of conflict - to accept that they are there and to approach them with compassion and curiosity rather than defensiveness and criticism.”

Major cause of a fight is when we dismiss our spouse’s negative emotions.

The Five Fights Everyone Has.

1. The Bomb Drop: - Mistake: Starting off Wrong 
   1. The Harsh Start-Up
      1. You Criticize 
      2. You Describe Your Partner Instead of Yourself
2. The Flood: - Mistake: Attacking, Defending, Withdrawing
   1. Express Your Needs. Don’t assume your spouse knows what they are.
   2. Small Repairs During Conflict
3. The Shallows: - Mistake: Skimming the Surface
   1. Gridlock
      1. Conflicts leave you feeling rejected
      2. Talk and talk  about issue and make zero progress
      3. Feel worse after talking, continued conflicts hurt
4. The Standoff: - Mistake: Competing to Win
   1. Trying to Persuade not Understand
5. The Chasm in the Room: - Mistake: Stewing about the fight
   1. Feelings - your own, not your partners
   2. Realities - your reality, take turns, summarize and validate
   3. Triggers - what memories or experiences are escalating things now
   4. Responsibility - your part of the problem 
   5. Constructive Planning - together, plan one way that each of you can make it better next time. 

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In today's episode Michael and Andy address several questions. They discuss mental health in our current political climate, the effect of mental health influencers and technology, religious trauma vs faith deconstruction, and how to discuss difficult topics such as suicide with your children. 

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Where have all the good men gone? 

What makes a healthy masculine man? 

Healthy masculinity is based on balance, meekness, strength, humility, vulnerability, accountability, protection, chivalry, boundaries, and will create a space for the emotions of his female partner. The ability to listen with your ears and through your body.

The Calm in the Storm - being able to regulate your nervous system while things are falling apart around you and co-regulate with others instead of escalating the situation. 

Knowing the difference between compassion and empathy. And when to appropriately use one versus the other. 

Yin and Yang (Feminine and Masculine) - balance, complementary, pro-dependent not co-dependent, hold a part of the other in themself. 

Tools for the healthy masculine - Embrace emotions, develop anti-fragility, personal work (meditation, exercise, hobbies, ect.), respect your own boundaries and those of others, look for a strong father figure / role model or become one for a young man, develop assertiveness not aggression, work toward understanding and influence not control and power.

Could part of the decline of Healthy Masculinity be connected to the increased messaging of Toxic Masculinity?