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In today's episode Michael and Andy explore the concept of discipline. Where it's useful, how to improve it, and why it can sometimes be a topic that makes us recoil a bit!

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Today we are going to talk about the dark and insidious world of gaslighting. 

From the early 1939 play titled ‘Gaslight’ to the present psychological damage caused by gaslighting. We will tackle it all….. Hopefully. 

Basic definition is a form of psychological manipulation in which one person seeks to make another person doubt their perceptions, memory, or reality. 

Sarah Morales defines it as “When a person (or group of people) through covert behaviors convinces another person that what they think, believe, perceive or feel is inaccurate or invalid.” sarahmoralescoaching.com

Common traits and tactics of the gaslighter.  [DISCLAIMER: Not all quotes are gaslighting]

• Denial of facts, change how thing happened: say “you’re just not remembering it right”
• Trivialize or Dismiss feelingings: say “you’re too sensitive” or “you’re overreacting, it’s really not that big a deal” or “why would you get so worked up over something so small”
• Omit important information: this leads to being misinformed and the gaslighter can manipulate with “more” information
• Blame: say “it’s all your fault” or switch the blame back onto himself by saying something like, “you’re right it’s always my fault, I don’t know why you’re with me anyway.”
• Undermine Confidence and create Confusion and Doubt: this causes a lot of second guessing and evolves to apologizing for things you didn’t do.
• Isolate the Victim: The more alone the victim is, the harder it becomes to see reality. This also creates a co-dependent relationship
• Shifting of the Narrative: Go read ‘1984’ by George Orwell, and how the “memory hole” is used to change public narrative and history. 

How to Defend Yourself and Come Out on Top

• Trust your perception: Keep a journal, write down the conversations you have, how did you feel, what do you remember happening in the moment. 
• Seek external validation: trusted family, friends, professional help, can all help you see a broader perspective of what might be happening
• Stick to one topic: avoid arguing about multiple topics, or realities, at one time. 
• Set Boundaries: these will cover many areas of the relationship
• Increase self-care and support system
• Assertiveness Training
• Prepare to walk away and get legal support

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In today's episode Michael and Andy give some tips for dealing with back to school struggles that emerge- especially for parents!

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In today's episode Michael and Andy discuss several lessons they've learned from being therapists. These lessons are not just about how they've grown as therapists, but how being a therapist has helped enrich their lives and more!

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Ep. 055: Marriage and Attachment Styles

Can you give me any specific advice on how to deal with stonewalling in my marriage? How can I (as an anxious attachment style) better handle some of my negative thoughts towards my spouse, (an avoidant attachment style)? I know it’s probably not about me, but when my spouse shuts down and isn’t willing to communicate and share feelings, I start to feel crazy inside. At times I feel treated as though I don’t exist?

Demon Dialogues (Sue Johnson’s work, Hold Me Tight)

1. Finding the Bad Guy: We feel emotionally unsafe, we look for blame, we need help to get things back into control. 
   1. Anxious may blame self and fawn over spouse
   2. Avoidant may blame spouse
2. Protest Polka: Trying to get a response that connects and reassures. Often one partner is demanding, while the other partner is withdrawing. 
   1. This is the negative dance each relationship has: When you… I … 
3. Freeze and Flee: The pursuing partner stops trying for attention and backs off, over time the withdrawn partner can give up also and the relationship becomes stagnant. 
   1. We become good roommates and can even manage the kids well at times. 

Avoidant

Emotional Distance: People with avoidant attachment often keep emotional distance from others. They may struggle with intimacy and feel uncomfortable with close relationships.

Self-Reliance: They tend to be highly independent and rely on themselves rather than seeking support from others.

Discomfort with Closeness: They might feel uneasy when others get too close emotionally and might push people away to maintain their personal space.

Minimizing Feelings: These individuals often downplay their feelings and avoid discussing emotions, sometimes even with themselves.

Difficulty with Vulnerability: They find it hard to be vulnerable and may avoid situations where they need to depend on others.

Anxious

High Anxiety and Insecurity: Individuals with anxious attachment often feel insecure about their relationships and worry about being abandoned or not being loved.

Clinginess: They may display clingy or needy behavior, constantly seeking reassurance and validation from their partners or friends.

Fear of Abandonment: There is a pervasive fear of being left or rejected, leading to hypervigilance regarding their relationships.

Emotional Overdependence: These individuals tend to rely heavily on others for emotional support and validation.

Intense Emotional Reactions: They often experience intense emotions and may overreact to perceived slights or signs of rejection.

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Book: Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller. 

Baruch Spinoza - “All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which we are attached by love.”

Byron Katie: “A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.”  (from her book Loving What Is)

Three Types of Attachment Styles.

1. Secure - people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving, able to address single topics without it turning into personal attacks or being generalized to many topics, reliable, consistent, and trustworthy 
2. Anxious - people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back, heightened sense of threats to the relationship (which can lead to misinterpretations of emotions) 
3. Avoidant - people equate intimacy with a  loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness, self-sufficiency over dependency, tend to repress emotions

Each form of attachment has it’s own view of 1) intimacy and togetherness, 2) how to deal with conflict, 3) attitude toward sex, 4) ability to communicate wishes and needs, and 5) their expectations from their partner and the relationship

Five Secure Principles for Resolving Conflict

1. Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being
2. Maintain focus on the problem at hand
3. Refrain from generalizing the conflict
4. Be willing to engage
5. Effectively communicate feelings and needs

“Ignoring your partner’s needs will have a direct impact on your own emotions, satisfaction level, and even physical health.” (page 246)

“When there’s a willingness to resolve a specific problem, people feel that they’re being heard and it brings both parties closer together.” (page 248)

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In today's episode Michael and Andy address several quick hitting topics and questions. If you want your question to be included in a future podcast- please take advantage of the new text us feature above!

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Seneca - “It’s not because things are difficult that we dare not venture. It is because we dare not venture that they are difficult.”

“There is no growth in the comfort zone, and there is no comfort in the growth zone.” 

Safety ➡️➡️➡️ Challenge ➡️➡️➡️ Overwhelmed ⤵️

   ⬆️⬅️⬅️⬅️⬅️⬅️⬅️⬅️

What is anxiety? 

Defined by Dictionary.com - “1.distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune. 2.earnest but tense desire. 3. A state of apprehension and psychic tension occurring in some forms of mental disorder.”

What is depression?

Defined by Dictionary.com - “a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. Dullness or inactivity

How can we properly calculate what is a healthy ‘challenge’ or risk to take? 

What happens when the ‘challenge’ causes me to be ‘overwhelmed’?

How can I learn to ask for help?  - Set a goal to accept any help that is offered for a day, a week, a month, or longer. Notice areas you can already ask for help and then compare it to areas you struggle asking for help, what is the difference between them?

List of common Cognitive Distortions and discussion on how they hold us back in safety.