The Therapy Spot

Frances used to bite her fingernails. She tried everything to stop that habit! First, she put stickers on her nails, but she always removed them without even noticing. Then, she painted her nails with a bitter substance, but even the bad taste couldn't stop her.

Naturally, Frances felt extreme frustration with herself. Why couldn't she stop, even though she wanted to? She looked at her bitten-down fingernails and wondered, "Who's actually in charge here?" Now, unless you're a professional hand model, biting your fingernails doesn't really negatively impact your life. But maybe you can relate to how Frances felt. Maybe you have a bad habit, or even an addiction, you just can't seem to shake.

Over the course of our lives, we all acquire behaviors and habits that we wish we could change. While it may seem impossible, we do have the power to change our brains. In order to do so, however, you might need to make some internal adjustments.

We don't always see eye to eye with our partners, and sometimes we have trouble communicating in these situations. Unfortunately, that often leads to conflict between the two of you. Do you end up going "out" with feelings like sadness, anger, or frustration? Or do you go "in," shut down, and stop talking? However this conflict shows up in your relationship, it's time for you and your partner to try horizontal listening.

For more, visit: bethrogerson.com

Perhaps best known for her book Eat Pray Love, prolific author Elizabeth Gilbert discussed using the IFS lens in her recent piece on Oprah.com! I love seeing IFS in the media.

Elizabeth did some "deep diving" to examine the conflicting emotions she felt in reaction to a friend's toxic behavior. Instead of lashing out or withdrawing from her friend, she named her parts and got to know them. This week, inspired by Elizabeth, I want to talk about some of the ways we can all use IFS to help ourselves.

For more, visit: bethrogerson.com

As summer blossoms in the northern hemisphere, I see new couples strolling hand in hand during my nature walks. The telltale signs — goofy grins, starry eyes, and constant contact — make new love obvious. Thanks to movies, TV, and Facebook, many of us think of those signs as love itself. In real life, however, that's just the first stage of love. Do you know about the others?

For more, visit: bethrogerson.com

I welcomed the opportunity to discover what my fellow IFS practitioner Martha Sweezy had to say about shame. Martha weighed in on important issues at the core of shame, such as:

• What is shame and why is it important?
• How do we learn to shame ourselves and others?
• How can criticism and blame help us, and how do they hurt?
• Where can we begin to relate to ourselves differently on the inside?
• Does shame have an antidote?

For more, visit: bethrogerson.com

If you've spent most of your life focusing outward, rather than inward, you're not alone. Luckily, you can pause, reflect, and connect with yourself. Reflection lets us get to know (and love!) ourselves from the inside out.

For more, visit: bethrogerson.com

This week, let's talk about shame. If you're like me, you might have a physical reaction just to the word itself! When I read it, I want to curl up into myself and disappear.

Since the roots of shame often go back to our childhoods, it might look like the wallpaper — you don't even notice it anymore! If shame has taken over, you don't need to crawl into a hole and disappear. You just need to peel back that old wallpaper and find some self compassion.

For more, visit: bethrogerson.com

During our daily lives we might get overwhelmed by many different emotions, such as:

• Sadness. Perhaps you've suffered a loss or an injury and you can't seem to stop dwelling on it.
• Frustration. Your co-worker made an error, and now you have to fix it — as if you don't have enough to do!
• Anger. You've asked your partner a thousand times to help out more around the house, but nothing has changed.
• Disappointment. Despite your best efforts, you didn't get the promotion.

When we're overwhelmed, we often say in IFS that you've become blended with a part. In other words, you're not in harmony. You're off balance!

for more, visit: bethrogerson.com

We all experience periods of apathy, low mood, or low motivation. These periods can show up in different ways:

• "The things I need feel far away and out of reach."
• "With everything on my plate, I don't even know where to start — so I never start!"
• "I know all the things I'm supposed to do, but I just can't seem to do them."

For more, visit: bethrogerson.com

Hello and welcome back to the Therapy Spot! This week, let's talk about those times when our relationships go topsy-turvy. Have you and your partner reached the point where you can't tell up from down or left from right? Have things just stopped making sense? Chances are, you've stumbled into a mystery spot.

For more, visit: bethrogerson.com