The Wednesday Audio

This episode is your fault.

Regards,

Craig

What have I missed?

Let me know.

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What have I missed?

It’s January. We’re all banging on about “building habits” like we’re building Lego. We’re all talking about becoming “better versions of ourselves” (whatever that means), learning “healthy habits” (whatever that means) and trying to stop making “bad habits” (whatever that means).

Well.

I’m not.

I already failed my resolution. So let’s lean into my mistakes, shall we?

We’ve all got ‘em haven’t we?

We’ve been thinking about ‘em for a few weeks. Dreaming about ‘em. Planning for ‘em. Imagining what it might feel like to achieve ‘em. How beautiful it’d be to finally climb that mountain. Finally feel accomplished.

Finally achieve something.

That’d be nice wouldn’t it?

I suppose it would. I wouldn’t know. I just failed my 2022 resolution with this podcast.

Enjoy.

IN THIS WEEK’S AUDIO

* SHOW NEWS

* LISTENER MISSIVES

* BANNED WORDS BIN OR BAND WORDS BIN

* I WOULDN’T SAY

* NAVAL GAZING

* JEAR CLAIMS

* TOBY’S TITULAR TIPS

* THE ACTUAL CONTENT

Well that’s it. We killed 2021. It’s over.

To celebrate its death I put together a super-duper-bumper-dumper episode this week. A real hum-dinger of a send-off for a year most of us will probably want to forget.

I’ve even invented new features for you this week, because I’m a generous god.

This week:

* SHOW NEWS

* LISTENER MISSIVES

* BANNED WORDS BIN OR BAND WORDS BIN

* “I WOULDN’T SAY”

* F IS FOR FAKE BILL BURR

* NAVAL GAZING

* JEAR CLAIMS

* TOBY’S TITULAR TIPS

* THE ACTUAL CONTENT

Enjoy?

Have a good New Year?

Are the questions marks accidental or genuine?

Who knows?

They still make sense either way?

Don’t they?

Thank you?

Good bye?

As a Christmas treat I’ve discovered a draft version of a book that Robert Greene never released: The 48 Laws of Christmas Power.

Enjoy.

But more importantly: don’t listen to this and go enjoy your Christmas.

If you’re curious, the full draft laws are below. If you want to enjoy them in the epiosde, ignore them.

SPOILER BELOW.

SPOILER BELOW.

SPOILER BELOW.

Maybe you want to spoil it for yourself.

* Never outshine the Christmas master

* Never put too much trust in Christmas friends but learn how to use Christmas enemies

* Conceal your true Christmas intentions (by wrapping them up)

* Always say less than necessary (there isn’t much room on the card and it already says merry christmas)

* So much depends on your reputation, so give a good Christmas present

* Court attention at all costs with the biggest Christmas present

* Get others to wrap your presents for you, buy your presents for you and suggest present ideas for you, but then take all the credit

* Make other people come to you to pick up their Christmas presents

* Always win Christmas boardgames but never argue

* Avoid the unhappy people at Christmas and don’t ever try to cheer them up. They are a virus

* Learn to keep everyone dependant on your excellent Christmas gifts (DRUGS)

* Be selectively honest but always use your Christmas generosity to disarm them of this fact

* When asking for help at Christmas always appeal to somebody’s self interest

* Pose as a Christmas friend but work as a spy

* Crush your enemy’s Christmas presents totally

* Use absence of Christmas presents to increase strength and honour

* Keep others in suspended terror of your Christmas presents and cultivate an air of unpredictability

* Isolation is dangerous so never build a Christmas fortress

* Know who you’re dealing with so don’t offend the wrong person by telling them their Christmas present is s**t (but if they’re the right person, offend them and see Law 17)

* Do not commit to anyone and command respect of your Christmas presents

* Play a sucker and always seem dumber than your Christmas presents

* Transform weakness into power (I don’t f*****g know)

* Concentrate your forces (again, I don’t know)

* Play the perfect courtier and be good at Christmas charades (not too good though, see Law 21)

* Re-create yourself and master your own Christmas image

* Always wash your hands a lot at Christmas (keep your hands clean)

* Build a cult-like following in your Christmas presents

* Enter action with boldness at christmas and always use a thick pen - BOING

* Plan all the way to the end of Christmas Day, don’t get caught short

* Make your accomplishments seem easy by saying “It was easy” a lot and shrugging

* Control the options and get others to play the cards you deal them in all Christmas boardgames — “alter the playing field”

* Play to people’s fantasies, but be careful who you try that on and under which mistletoe

* Buy each man in the family a thumbscrew and make sure you discover it at some point during Christmas Day, as it is your job to discover each man’s thumbscrew

* Be royal in your own fashion. Wear some bling n s**t

* Master the art of timing — LONG BREAK

* Disdain everyone else’s presents you cannot have, call them s**t. Ignoring them is the best revenge

* Create compelling Christmas spectacles, especially big ones with glass in them that you can put on your face

* Think as you like but behave like everyone else

* Stir up waters to catch fish — NOT A CLUE

* DESPISE THE FREE LUNCH

* AVOID STEPPING INTO A GREAT MAN’S SHOES, ESPECIALLY IF HE HAD BIG FEET

* STRIKE THE SHEPHERD AND THE SHEEP WILL TRAMPLE YOU

* WORK ON THE HEARTS AND MINDS OF OTHERS BUT ONLY IF YOU’RE A HEART SURGEON OR A BRAIN SURGEON (UNLIKELY)

* DISARM AND INFURIATE WITH THE MIRROR EFFECT — EFFECT MIRROR THE WITH INFURIATE AND DISARM

* PREACH THE NEED TO CHANGE BUT NEVER REFORM TOO MUCH AT ONCE

* NEVER APPEAR TOO PREFECT

* DO NOT GO PAST THE MARK YOU AIMED FOR ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE THROWING A DART OR OTHER HEAVY BLUNT INSTRUMENTS

* ASSUME FORMLESSNESS

James, so Clear of his purpose, asked James to Clear something up for him.

This was a second James who was Clear of the first James. Just to Clear that up.

“James,” Clear said with James in mind but Clear intentions, “James, Clear something up for me.”

James obviously wanted to Clear up the confusion. No James likes being less than Clear of a situation.

“James, what is a habit? The idea is not Clear to me.”

“Oh my dear James. You must Clear this up for yourself.”

“James, what do you mean? Surely I can’t Clear up such an idea as large as habits all by myself.”

“Yes James, you can. To Clear this up, you can make your habits smaller.”

“I see. Almost like an Atomic thing?”

“Indeed James. Exactly like a nice Clear and small habit.”

James, now Clear of the situation, rode off into the sunset on his skateboard.

Another life saved.

Yeah there’s a podcast in here somewhere too. I hope you enjoy it. I can’t force you to, but it’d be pleasant for all parties involved if you did.

You decide to take a stand. This is it. You’ve had enough of it all. They’re all the same. They treat you like sh*t. They pretend to like you, they don’t really like you.

You decide to take a stand.

Sure, they send you messages and make you feel good. They give you good advice. Sometimes they even write you a useful thread. You even bookmarked that last one. You’ll read it one day. But you’ve had enough.

You decide to take a stand.

You take one last look at it. Millions of opinions fed into your eyeballs at breakneck speed every second of every day. You were plugged into the matrix, mainlining platitudes. You were at the source. You had notifications turned on. You knew the second J*mes Cl*ar posted a brand new recycled ins*ght. But’s it’s over now.

You decide to take a stand.

You’re not ready to delete it yet. You’ll try that next time. Instead, you just logout of Twitter.

You decide to take a stand.

You decide to take a break for 25 minutes.

You load up your podcast app and hit play on the thirtiest episode of The Wednesday Audio.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but this is The Wednesday Audio.

In this episode:

* I introduce new sound effects

* I introduce beer

* I introduce Jear Claims

* I introduce Listener Missives

* I introduce a feature

* I get interrupted by somebody

* I finish the podcast

Welcome.

I mean it’s all pointless isn’t it. This stuff I write here doesn’t get read. You scan it to see what this episode is about and when you realise I’m not going to give you that you move on and ignore it.

That’s all it is. This is just c*ntent. It’s a means to an end as Thomas J Bevan would say. It’s here to get you to perform an action, not to actually enjoy your time here. It’s just filler. The wallpaper in the house. The pretty bow on the present. Maybe even the wrapping paper.

When are we going to try and make it not that anymore?

When do we start making art again?

When do we make the stand? I dunno.

Well, I’ll tell you when we don’t make the stand. The Wednesday Audio.

This is not that stand.

Welcome.