The Wellness Compass Podcast

Please note: What follows is a transcription of this week's Wellness Compass podcast episode entitled "Learn." We invite you to listen to this ten-minute episode by clicking the player graphic above or by clicking HERE. Listening gives the full experience of the emotions and tone of what is being said, which is difficult to capture in a transcription. The spoken word is different than the written word. We are happy to provide this transcript for those who prefer to read rather than listen.

Holly: Welcome back to the Wellness Compass podcast. I am Holly Hughes Stoner, and I'm here with my husband, Scott Stoner. We are both marriage and family therapists and we are in our third season of this podcast. This is our second episode of season three. And this year, what we've decided to do is choose a word, a single word, that we want to focus on during our episode, one that has something to do with wellness and gives us something to think about so we can all be, you know, kind of be working towards greater wellness for ourselves.

And today and next week's word are going to kind of go together. We're going to use the title of this podcast, Wellness Compass, and kind of explore first of all, what we talking about when we say wellness. And then next week we'll talk about why do we use that word compass. What does that have to do with anything? So just like I said this show today will be about wellness. Scott, do you want to talk a little bit about what we're thinking about when we talk about that?

Scott: Sure. Last week we talked about the word "learn" as everyone was going back to school and starting a new kind of school year, that is the season we are in. We talked about learn then and so that's a natural segue into wellness for this week because wellness to me is about continuing to learn as we go through the life cycle.

What does it mean to be well, what are the things that I can do today to enhance my wellbeing? Everything we do with all of our materials, not just our podcast, but our overall nonprofit Wellness Compass Initiative, is equip people with the awareness, the intention, the education, the tools to both become more aware of their wellbeing. We do this in eight areas of wellness, always helping others to decide what they can do to grow and enhance their well-being. So we're kind of lifelong learners. You see wellness is a journey. It's not a destination, it's an ongoing choice and an ongoing lifestyle. You know, we often refer to our wellness as a garden. It's something that we need to continue to tend to so we can continue to grow healthy and beautiful things.

Holly: Yeah, In fact, so we talk about watering areas of wellness, we also talk about pulling out weeds. You know, there are things that can crowd out good plants. And we also, if we have some bad habits, those would be like the weeds. There might be some weeds we want to get rid of to allow for greater wellness in our lives. So in terms of wellness, which is our word this week, I've got a list of five things that are all part of everyone's day to day activities. And the more we practice and do some of these simple things, the more wellness we will create.

The first one is connecting with other people, both developing and nurturing relationships that you have. Think of an old friend maybe you haven't talked to for a while. You know, maybe even give them a call instead of texting or messaging them. People laugh at me. They say I'm the only person that still calls anybody, but I like to hear people's voices. If I just message them I don't feel connected to them, really.

Scott: Some of the people I've been doing wellness coaching with have talked about how they have gotten into some bad habits or not bad habits really, they just got out of the habit of connecting with others because of COVID. Now they're realizing they haven't stayed connected. They have to kind of, you know, redevelop some of those connecting muscles. They have to put themselves out there either to restore some connections or maybe try some whole new connections. But social and emotional connecting community is essential to wellness.

Holly: So, you know, if you're a person that is feeling that, maybe you need some more connections you might ask yourself, "What kinds of things can I do to better connect with others? How could I reach out? How could I connect with other people?"

Scott: The most common coaching question we always ask is "What's one thing you could do this week to enhance that dimension of wellness?" So, it's a good question to ask here.

Holly: Exactly. Okay, so that's the first one Connect. The second one is being active. And so some people think, Oh, I've got to go walking or running but I don't really like that. But the most helpful idea of being active is finding something that you like. Maybe it is walking or running, but maybe it's swimming, maybe it's water fitness. What active thing do you love doing?

Scott: I know you love water fitness!

Holly: Oh my gosh, it is so much fun that it doesn't feel like a chore when I do it because I like it so much. That's the key. Yes, because it really helps us physically and mentally. So it's really a two for one.

So connecting, being active. And the third one is to keep learning. First of all, it's fun as we human beings are learning machines, I believe. But we also get a sense of achievement when we learn something new. We can share it with other people. It can make us more confident. To learn something some people sign up for a class, maybe they have found some online thing they can do, maybe they found something going on at their local library, but just find something to keep learning. What have you always wanted to lean more about? Learning is another really great way to continue to advance your wellness.

A fourth one is giving back. And this is like being a volunteer, helping or giving to other people. It could be as easy as just giving somebody a smile.

Scott: And exactly. We have it as a wellness component in our wellness compass as one of the areas, spirituality. And giving back to me touches on that. It's about a sense of purpose, a sense of meaning, a sense of giving back to the world again. I said earlier that wellness is a lifelong journey, and we notice this especially in the second half of life, purpose and meaning and spirituality, giving back to the world becomes an essential ingredient in our wellbeing.

Holly: Absolutely because if you don't feel like you've contributed, it can make people feel kind of bad or even depressed. And there are places everywhere in the world that need help, so there's room for everybody to have something to give. And then the last one is being aware of the world around you, taking notice of it, being aware of your feelings, your thoughts, just taking notice of the world within you and around you. This could even include, I'm thinking right now about the seasons changing, just getting outside and being observant, taking in the moment can be very meaningful.

Scott: And to this, you know, Socrates said over 2000 years ago, the unexamined life is not worth living. I mean, that sounds a little harsh, but it, you know, got our attention and we still remember the quote.

But our point is that you get to continue to grow in self-awareness and do it with self-compassion. That's one of the key things I want to say to each of our listeners and to myself, that because often when you think about wellness, when people think, "Oh, you know, I haven't been doing this, I haven't known that," and it becomes kind of negative and critical and shame based. And that's the last thing we want. We don't want to have an ounce of that.

Wellness is about self-compassion. It's about self-care, it's about self-love. It's like if you think of someone, a friend or a child or a partner or someone you love and really care about, you want to nurture their well-being. You don't want to lecture them, you don't want to judge them. You want to you approach them with compassion.

We want to offer that same compassion to ourselves because that is how well-being, that's part of well-being is self-love and self-compassion so we can grow into the people that we want to be. But self-awareness is such a key part of that. That's why we all of our programs involve some kind of guided self-assess, self-reflection. If you were going to grow a garden and you had a yard or you had a plot that you were renting somewhere, you would need to take an inventory. "How is the soil? What does the soil need? What shape is the soil in right now? Does it need weeding? Does it need some nutrients? Does it need some fertilizer? How are we going to get sunshine and water?" You start with, you know, looking at what is, and then how do I grow from there? And what do I want to grow?

A very common question I ask a person I'm coaching is, "What is one thing that either if you have more of, or did less of right now that would enhance your wellness?" And you know what? Every single person always has an answer. You have an answer to that question too. And I invite you to think about that question. What you can do either more of or a less of to enhance some aspect of your wellness?

Holly: And I'm just going to repeat those five things because they might help you think about what's one thing you could do. One of the things that I really like about these is that none of them really cost anything. You can do all of these at no cost. Maybe they will cost you time, and even some energy. But that's it.

So the first one is connecting. Connect with others. Being active. Keep learning. Give to others. and Take Notice.

Scott: Speaking of connecting with others, we are so glad to be connected with you and that you're connecting with us. You can do that through our Facebook page as well, The Wellness Compass Facebook Page. Just search for Wellness Compass. We will post this episode there as well as the transcription of this podcast. And we will and you can comment and let us know what that one thing is that you're going to do to water your well-being.

So again, we are honored to be on this journey with you. You can reach out to us through our website, wellnesscompass.org. Next week we will talk about the word Compass which will be our word for next week.

Until then may you be well, may you be happy, maybe healthy, and may you do one thing to enhance your own wellness this coming week.

Please note: What follows is a transcription of this week's Wellness Compass podcast episode entitled "Learn." We invite you to listen to this ten-minute episode by clicking the player graphic above or by clicking HERE. Listening gives the full experience of the emotions and tone of what is being said, which is difficult to capture in a transcription. The spoken word is different than the written word. We are happy to provide this transcript for those who prefer to read rather than listen.

Scott: Welcome back to the Wellness Compass Podcast, episode one of season three. My name is Scott Stoner. It's good to be back with you. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist with several decades, four decades now, of experience in helping individuals, couples, and families. And I'm a co-creator of this podcast and the Wellness Compass Initiative, which you can learn about at wellnesscompass.org. So if I'm a CO, there must be another CO and I'd like to invite my CO and wife not just in work but in life to introduce herself.

Holly: Yeah, I am the other half of the CO and my name is Holly Hughes Stoner. Scott and I are both marriage and family therapists. We also happen to be married to each other.

Scott: We're a couple of marriage and family therapists. (laughter)

Holly: I always thought Scott was kind of funny. (laughter)

Scott: Was kind of funny? (laughter)

Holly: We've decided that what we're going to do this year is start each episode with a word that has something to do with wellbeing. Since this is the beginning of the school year for millions of people, teachers, and students alike, this week our word is LEARN. Scott, Do you want to tell them a little bit more about what we're thinking?

Scott: Well, it is back to school time. Whether you're going back to school or you know somebody who is going back to school you are impacted. But actually we're all going back to school, because we're all lifelong learners.

The topic of this podcast and of our initiative is the journey towards personal and family wellness. And because we are always in school in one way or another, I love working in this field. I am a lifelong learner and all the research I do is really "me"- search. And so we're all learning, if we're open to learning. And what we do with this podcast each week is invite you to take 10 minutes. We're going to focus our episodes to 10 minutes this year, this season, with the hopes of helping you navigate the week ahead with greater awareness and intention.

So with the word LEARN as our focus this week, it got me thinking about when I was back in school, especially in grade school. When I look at that time back then, I realize I probably would have been diagnosed with ADHD. I had a lot of energy and so I was constantly being reprimanded for either not listening, or not paying attention. Now I'm happy to say that I've gotten a little better at that as I've aged.

And I think those two ingredients, now I'm talking to you and me and all of us listening to this podcast, those two things, listening and paying attention, are key habits to being learners on this path of wellness as well.

So I invite you, as you walk through the week ahead, to pay attention to what might be around you, ready to teach you something. And listen closely. Maybe you're going to listen to your body. Or you're going to listen to someone particular in your life in a different way, or you're going to put more intention into listening you're going to meet a stranger this week. You're going to listen to something. You're going to pay attention in a way that is going to help you learn something and support you on that journey. That's one thing that comes to my mind is I think of myself walking through the week ahead with the word LEARN.

Holly: Some of our listeners might know this about me, because I've mentioned this on the show before, but I was a teacher for a long time in the classroom and paying attention and concentrating are really important things. Two other important things I can think of are wonder and curiosity. Students who are full of wonder, wondering what's going on around them, just wanting to find out more are very curious about the world. Those things really help a student and it also helps us as adults as well. And so I try to in my life, try to be full of wonder and curiosity.

And so this week (and first of all I love summer as it is my favorite time of year) I was feeling sort of sad. I always feel this way in early September because everybody's back to being busy, cool breezes are coming in, and all the summer fun is over. And so this week I was sitting on a bench in a park near our home and was kind of feeling sad that the summer was over, as were all the freedoms that summer allows us. And I was being trying to be curious about what that was all about when all of a sudden, bam, right on my head, a huge hickory nut landed. Actually, it hit me on the corner of my glasses and knocked them on the ground and it hurt. And I was initially kind of annoyed with this happening because I'd been having such a nice time sitting there.

But then I tried to summon some of my curiosity and wonder and I thought, you know, that tree is letting go of that

hickory nut, and it's teaching me something. When we talk about learning, you know I thought, "What can I learn from that tree that has just let go of that nut?"

And in the spring, as it sat there in the spring as well, that same tree was flowering as it was in a different stage of life. But right now it's the end of summer and it's time to let go. And there was the lesson I needed right at that moment. It was like, okay, now it's time to let go of summer and to step into what's coming next. So that's what I learned.

Scott: I love that. And in that case, that hickory nut, the hickory tree, was your teacher. One of the things kids have on their mind, you know, this time of year is, (when they get the letter, or where they get it now, maybe email or a phone call) is "Who's your teacher?" You know, you talk to your friends, to find out who's their teacher, and for you that hickory nut and that tree, was your teacher. And so often I know for me nature is my teacher.

And I love what you said about the sense of wonder and curiosity as you sat there with your sadness and just were, you know, allowing yourself to feel it being open to letting it teach you something, and all of a sudden, you got a lesson.

Holly: Well, and I, I did initially get annoyed and it hurt and it knocked my glasses off. Actually I'm going to take them into the store and see if they can do something about them as they're kind of nicked. And I, I could have just been irritated and just gotten up and left. But I had been sitting there on purpose, kind of trying to be present to the beauty of the day and all that sort of stuff. And so I also had to pay attention to what I was paying attention to. I could have just been annoyed. But it was a beautiful day and this thing did accidentally land and hit me on the head. So I had to move on beyond just the anger and try to learn something from what had happened instead of just going mad.

Scott: Well, so sometimes the lessons we learn in life are painful, right? And upsetting at first. And after all, you were sitting under the tree. The tree didn't plan this. It's not like the tree came, went out of its way to drop it's nut on you.

When we have lessons, we're learning some of life's lessons, especially in the second half of life, a lot of learning has to do with letting go. It's interesting that you were talking about that as letting go is painful.

And so sometimes we can avoid learning. We can avoid a lesson because we're trying to avoid pain. We're trying to avoid some kind of discomfort. And if you think about it all learning, (if you think back to when you were in school, if you signed up for a course, that's a hard course and maybe stretches you) is going to be hard. It's going to be uncomfortable. It's going to be discouraging at first before it becomes easy. Maybe if you hang in there and learn, it's going to become encouraging. So letting go is certainly one of those life lessons that can be hard.

So you mentioned curiosity. Wonder nature. I talked about paying attention and listening.

Hopefully, these thoughts will help you as you walk through the week ahead and think about, "What is there for me to learn? What can I bring to my awareness? What am I feeling? What am I?

Maybe what's a personal challenge right now, either in my personal or family awareness? And what am I open to learning in the midst of that? That's what we invite you to do. We're creating a community with this podcast. We'd love to hear from you when you walk through the week ahead. Now with the word learning, what are you learning? What? Who are your teachers? What are you listening to? What are you paying attention to? What's wonder?

You can email us, but better yet, find our Facebook page, The Wellness Compass Facebook page. . And like it. And this podcast will be there with that word and let us know what you're learning. You'll inspire us. You'll inspire one another. And that's what we do in community, because this really is one of the reasons we create this community, is because we all learn together.

Holly: Right. And one thing I was just going to say is that we haven't mentioned too much, is that we have something called the Wellness Compass Model of Wellbeing, which is on our website, WellnessCompass.org. And it's a way to help you think about all the things that you might want to learn about yourself. So you might want to take a look at that. Just see if that sparks an interest in you as something you'd like to learn.

Scott: So school's open again. It's session one of season three, and we're delighted to have you in this classroom with us. And until we gather again next week here on the Wellness Compass podcast, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be at peace, as you walk through the week ahead with curiosity and wonder as you learn what life has to teach you right now.

When it comes to achieving an important goal, what do you think matters most—individual effort or the support of others? Of course, this is somewhat of a trick question as the answer is not an "either-or" but rather a "both-and." Evidence of this "both-and" is all around us in this season of graduations, where we honor the accomplishments of both individuals and the villages of support that have made the graduation possible.

Celebrating individual effort comes naturally for most of us; it is part of the DNA of our culture. We love to celebrate the determined individual who does things their way. It is not surprising that Frank Sinatra's "I Did It My Way," released in 1969, was his most famous song ever and continues to be downloaded by hundreds of thousands of people every year. We see this same focus on the individual in the sports world, where we like to celebrate superstars. And yet whenever a superstar is interviewed right after a significant achievement, they always point out that they could not have done what they did without the support of their teammates.

As we have mentioned already, graduation celebrations provide an excellent opportunity to celebrate both the individual efforts of the graduate, as well as the village of support that has made their accomplishment possible. It is probably impossible to list all the members of a graduate's village. Still, it certainly could include parents, grandparents, siblings, peers, teachers, coaches, administrators, neighbors, tutors, employers, club and extracurricular activity leaders, those who support the school, and its leaders and alums.

Our Wellness Compass Initiative also celebrates both individual choices and the importance of the support of others. We believe that the idea of individual wellness is a bit of an oxymoron. We all need and benefit from a village of support, as we are better together. In our villages of support, sometimes we are the ones receiving aid, and at other times we are those offering the assistance. It takes a village, and it takes individual commitment to accomplish things and to be well.

This podcast marks the end of our "season," as we'll be taking a break for the summer. We will be back right after Labor Day. As we pause for some rest and renewal, we want to thank each of you for being part of our wellness village. We are honored to walk this journey of wholeness and wellness with each of you. We wish everyone a great summer and hope it will offer us all some time to nurture the important villages of support in our lives.

Please know that all of our previous weekly columns and podcasts are archived and available on our website www.WellnessCompass.org. Please have a great summer; we look forward to returning in September.

As a nonprofit wellness initiative, we are honored to work with organizations worldwide. One of our favorites, though, is right in our hometown—the University of Wisconsin, a school we both happen to have graduated from.

We were on the university campus this week for several meetings. We had the good fortune to interact with many recent graduates, as this past week was the university's commencement ceremony. These graduates had the distinction of having persevered through all the challenges presented by the COVID pandemic and being part of the largest University of Wisconsin graduating class ever.

Many people at the gatherings were talking to these young people, and we noticed something interesting about the interactions we were all having with the graduates we were greeting. Immediately after congratulating them, we all seemed to ask them some version of the question, "So what's next for you?" A few were excited to share their plans, while others became almost apologetic about not being exactly sure what their plans were. We could see that our question had taken a bit of the wind out of their sails. On reflection later that night, we felt embarrassed that we had made the mistake of not simply honoring and celebrating the incredible accomplishment these students had just completed by quickly turning the conversation to "What's next?"

So the following day, when we were back on campus, we intentionally focussed on congratulating the graduates and then following up with questions about their experiences and achievements. So what did you major in? What was the best part of college for you? What will you miss most? How did COVID impact your experience? These conversations, we found, were much more animated and enjoyable—for us and the students. Some of them, on their own, chose to share their plans, but many simply enjoyed basking in the joy of the present moment. The lesson we learned again this week was how important it is to remember to savor and celebrate the present moment and not always rush so quickly to what's next.

A story attributed to the renowned cellist Pablo Casals relates to this. It is a story of a time when he asked a young child who had the honor of playing the cello for him, "Do you want to play the cello when you grow up?" A little deflated by the question, the child simply responded, "I'm playing the cello right now." Cassel, though slightly embarrassed at the time, told the story many times later as a reminder to himself and the rest of us of the importance of relishing the moment for what it is in the now and not always being tempted to focus on what might be coming next.

Over the last decade, there has been a renewed interest in meditative practices like mindfulness, breath meditation, and centering prayer. One thing they all have in common is slowing down one's breath, letting go of distractions, and resting fully in the present moment. In our fast-paced society, where we often seem to be in a hurry to get to the next thing honoring the present moment can be a welcome respite.

If you have the opportunity to congratulate a gratulate or their parent or other family members this spring, try learning from our little experiment. See if you can focus only on the joy of what they have just accomplished rather than quickly asking what might be next. You will be giving them a gift, and perhaps, yourself as well.

Making it personal:

1. Have you accomplished something recently that you would like to stop and savor the feeling of accomplishment?

2. Has someone you know graduated or accomplished something else recently?

3. If so, how might you be in the moment with them as they celebrate this accomplishment?

A few months ago, while standing in line at a coffee shop, I noticed a beautiful tattoo on a man's arm right in front of me. It was a heart with the word "Mom" in it. I commented on the tattoo and said, "Your Mom must be very special to you." My comment evoked some beautiful stories from the man I had just met. Here's my recollection of some of what he told me. "It's complicated. My mom was very special. She died two years ago, and I got this tattoo to help me remember her. We had a complicated relationship. She struggled with addiction when I was growing up, so she was not well. I also struggled with addiction but got clean ten years ago. She got into recovery near the end of her life, too, and we had some beautiful years together—making up for lost time. Our relationship was complicated but loving, and in the end, it was so good, and I miss her so much." I thanked him for sharing his story and told him how touched I was by it. Relationships are indeed complicated and filled with complex emotions. We often teach that one of the hallmarks of emotional wellness is being comfortable with feeling and expressing the full range of our emotions. Imagine that the full range of emotions exists on a scale from zero to ten. Now think of 0-5 as the "unpleasant" emotions, like sadness, anxiety, worry, anger, and fear. Next, think of 6–10 as the "pleasant" emotions, such as joy, love, happiness, excitement, and peace. Most of us are relatively comfortable feeling and expressing the 6-10 emotions, yet it seems many of us try to avoid feeling and expressing our 0-5 emotions This makes sense as everyone likes having, talking about, and listening to ones with the higher number, and the reverse is true with the lower numbered emotions as they are more challenging to feel and to listen to others we care about express them. Here, however, is an important insight regarding this range of emotions: if we block out the 0-5 emotions, we will soon notice that we feel far less of the 6-10 emotions. Author Jim Rohn makes this point, as well: "The walls we build around us to keep sadness out, also keeps out the joy." Emotions are not good or bad; they simply are. They are like a thermometer, giving us a read on the world around us. Watch a young child; within thirty minutes, you will notice that they are comfortable experiencing the full range of "0-10" emotions. They don't try to build walls around their feelings to protect themselves and don't get stuck in any one emotion. If we are willing to genuinely listen to and accept all of our feelings without judgment as they do, we, too, can avoid getting stuck in any one emotion. We share all of this today because this weekend is Mother's Day and based on our decades of experience as therapists, we know that Mother's Day naturally evokes the whole range of "0-10" emotions. If you are filled with love and joy this weekend, then celebrate that, and when possible, express it. If, on the other hand, you are feeling grief or sadness, honor those emotions, too. Share them with others you trust to be there for you as you grieve. Sometimes holidays create an expectation or pressure to feel a certain way, which is unrealistic and can be detrimental to our mental health. Befriend your emotions and accept them as a message from yourself. Most likely, they could benefit from your care and attention. Making It Personal: What emotions are you feeling as Mother's Day approaches? Are there feelings of love and gratitude that you want to be sure to express? Are there other feelings that maybe you are having this year that you also want to express?

Most nonprofit organizations have mission statements. These statements succinctly state the purpose of the organization in order to inform and guide those who work for or support the organization.

Here are a few such statements from some organizations you might know:

"The American Red Cross prevents and alleviates human suffering in the face of emergencies by mobilizing the power of volunteers and the generosity of donors."

"The mission of the American Cancer Society is to improve the lives of people with cancer and their families through advocacy, research, and patient support, to ensure everyone has an opportunity to prevent, detect, treat, and survive cancer."

"Feeding America's mission is to advance change in America by ensuring equitable access to nutritious food for all in partnership with food banks, policymakers, supporters, and the communities we serve."

Our Wellness Compass Initiative is a nonprofit program, so we also have a mission statement. "The Wellness Compass Initiative is a nonprofit with a mission to enhance mental health and resilience in individuals, families, schools, organizations, and communities."

Today's column is our fourth in a series on "Let Your Life Speak." This week we focus on spirituality and listening to our souls as they relate to our core beliefs and values. It is our response to the question, "What's your why?" A person's why may be expressed through our spirituality in religious beliefs or practices, or it may be expressed in a manner that is separate from a formal religious tradition.

An individual's spirituality is like a nonprofit organization's mission statement. If you were to write a mission statement for your life, it would be an expression of your spiritual beliefs. To use the metaphor of a compass, spirituality is our true north.

Just as mission statements help organizations know what to say yes to and what to say no to, our core values and beliefs do the same for us as individuals. When we say yes to things that do not align with our spirituality, we will eventually find a sense of unease as our souls speak to us, letting us know we are getting off course.

Our souls contain deep wisdom. We are wise to listen to them, especially when they let us know that we are veering away from our sense of true north.

Making It Personal:

If you were to write a personal mission statement, what would it be?

Might you be willing to try doing so?

How do you recognize when you are getting out of alignment with your spiritual values and beliefs, and what helps you to get back on course?

Let Your Life Speak: Nurturing Our Relationships

As marriage and family therapists, people often reach out to us because there is a relationship in their life that they want to improve. It might be a relationship with a friend, neighbor, colleague, partner, spouse, sibling, or another family member.

These requests remind us of two things. First, relationships are critical to our well-being, as few things affect the quality of our lives more than the quality of our relationships. The second thing these requests remind us of is that relationships are complicated, requiring an ongoing commitment to maintain and strengthen them. As the quote above says, "Human relationships are not rocket science--they are far, far more complicated."

So while relationships are complicated, here are several principles that we find to help keep them on track.

*Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow. If we pay attention to our relationships and water them regularly with positive attention and kindness, they will grow. As we like to say, "The grass is greener where you water it."

*We often have more agency to change and improve a relationship than we realize. While this is not always the case, we often can do things, including having difficult conversations, rather than avoiding them, to help shift a relationship stuck in a painful or unhealthy pattern. We may need to ask for professional help to do this, but change can happen with commitment and intention.

*Old patterns take time to change. Each of us has internalized relationship patterns from our childhood. Some of those patterns serve us well, and others may not. While changing these patterns is not easy, it is possible. We need to be patient and loving with ourselves (and others) as we, with time and effort, try to make these changes.

*Love is a decision. While love is undoubtedly a feeling, too, feelings ebb and flow. Long-term relationships of every kind (between partners, friends, siblings, colleagues, etc.) require a commitment of the will. Deciding to continue to invest in the relationship even when the feelings are uncomfortable is an essential aspect of nurturing our relationships.

*The best time to have a difficult conversation about a difficulty in a relationship is when that difficulty arises. The second best time is today. Avoiding hard conversations almost always makes them more challenging to have later on. As we wrote last week, "The more you hide your feelings, the more they grow."

Relationships are complicated. Some say they are more complex than rocket science. They are also essential to our well-being. Hopefully, the principles we have shared will make nurturing your relationships a little less complicated.

Making It Personal:

1. Did one of the principles we shared speak especially to you?

2. If so, is there a specific relationship you might apply it to right now?

Let Your Life Speak: Listening to Your Emotions

This is the second in our series entitled "Let Your Life Speak." Our first column focused on listening to our bodies, and this week we are focusing on listening to our emotions.

The quote we share above succinctly captures what we want to say about this topic.

The first part of the quote is, "The more you hide your feelings, the more they show." When I (Scott) was younger and not as comfortable expressing my emotions, I can remember saying, "I am NOT MAD," or "I am NOT SAD," with such force that it was pretty evident to anyone listening that I was, of course, completely feeling those exact emotions. I was not yet, however, capable or comfortable in expressing them in a helpful way. The more I tried to hide or deny those feelings, the more they showed, but not in healthy or beneficial ways.

The second part of the saying is, "The more you deny your feelings, the more they grow."

Imagine standing in a swimming pool, and someone hands you a beach ball. Now imagine you try to submerge the ball and try to sit on it while it is entirely underwater. You might be able to do it for a moment, but surely it will be evident to anyone looking that you are trying to hold something down that naturally wants to come to the surface. That's what trying to repress our emotions looks and feels like. We might be able to do it in the short run, but it will be exhausting, and the pressure to let the feelings come to the surface will only grow. Eventually, everyone around you will soon recognize that you are hiding something, but will be unable to help as they won't know quite what is going on "under the surface."

The expression, "I had a good cry," speaks to the wisdom of being able to feel and express the full range of emotions. A good cry releases the pressure of our feelings, which is why we feel relief. If you think of the "motions" part of the word "emotions," it is a helpful reminder that our emotions want and need to be in motion. They need to be expressed and not bottled up.

Of course, not all expressions of emotions are healthy, and so learning to do so is a skill that takes practice, as any parent knows who is teaching their children the difference between healthy and unhealthy expressions of feelings. The key here is that emotions are not healthy or unhealthy—they simply are a natural part of who we all are. How we express our feelings is what can be healthy or not.

We have more to say on this topic in the podcast accompanying this week's column, so if you have fifteen minutes, we hope you will listen. See below for the link.

As we say at the end of every podcast episode, we are so grateful to be walking this journey toward wellness and wholeness with you. Our feelings of gratitude are definitely feelings we want to share with others!

Making It Personal:

1. How comfortable are you with experiencing and expressing the full range of your emotions?

2. Can you think of ways in which the words of the quote we share above have been or are currently true for you?

We all know how good it feels to connect with an old friend, someone we haven't been in touch with for a while. It feels good to listen to what they have to say and catch up on how they are doing. The experience of reconnecting can remind us of how very important they have been to us.

Now imagine that the old friend we connect with is not another person, but our bodies. That's right, what if it has been a long time since we have really touched base with our physical well-being and listened closely to what our bodies are telling us?

With today's column, we have started a series entitled "Let Your Life Speak." A theme that will run through each of the columns in this series, and the Wellness Compass podcast episodes that accompany this column, is that our lives are always speaking to us in one way to another. The question is, "Are we curious enough to listen?"

People sometimes ask what we mean when we say that we focus on "whole-person" wellness. Our short answer is that all areas of our well-being are interconnected, like objects hanging from a mobile attached to the ceiling. Move one dangling part, and you will create movement in the other objects as well. All parts of the mobile, like all parts of our well-being, are interconnected.

This is why experts report that two-thirds of visits to a medical professional are stress related. In other words, while these visits are intended to address a physical health concern, the origin of the symptoms is often stress or being out of balance in a dimension other than the physical area of our well-being.

Knowing that stress, anxiety, and grief may first express themselves as physical symptoms is helpful in understanding and helping ourselves heal. For example, if a person is having difficulty sleeping because of something stressful they are experiencing, simply treating the sleep symptom would miss the opportunity to address the underlying issue causing the distress.

It is also true that being proactive about caring for our physical wellness can have a positive preventative impact on our emotional, relational, and spiritual well-being as well. This is the premise of a recent New York Times guest article, "Whatever the Problem, It's Probably Solved by Walking."

The article begins:

"Walking is the worst-kept secret I know. Its rewards hide under every step. Perhaps because we take walking so much for granted, many of us often ignore its ample gifts. In truth, I doubt I would walk often or very far if its sole benefit was physical, despite the abundant proof of its value in that regard.

There's something else at play in walking that interests me more. And with the arrival of spring, attention must be paid."

You can find the whole article HERE.

If we are fortunate, we can say we have more than one friend, yet we each only have one body. Perhaps it's time to reconnect with your "old friend," go for a walk, and listen closely to what it is saying to you now.

Making It Personal:

1. What are a few things your "old friend," your body, is telling you now?

2. Have you thought about looking at your health from a holistic vantage point before now? What could it mean to you and your life?

We live in Wisconsin, and like other places with northern climates, we actually have five seasons each year. Our fifth occurs between winter and spring and is known as the "mud season." If we need an image of the name for this extra season, we need only look at our mud-caked hiking shoes inside our back door, removed and left there to dry after a walk in the woods this past weekend. Or we can look out the window and observe the thirty-degree temperature swings that often occur daily, never knowing if we will see rain, snow, or sunshine.

There is a muddiness in the broader world right now that is so much more profound than anything related to the weather. The unspeakable violence and suffering we are witnessing in Ukraine, and closer to home the continued school shootings and the political uncertainty in our own country can create enormous swings of emotions within us day to day, or even hour to hour.

As mental health professionals, we know from our experience and research that the presence of hope within a person profoundly affects their resilience in the midst of such challenging times and their overall well-being. And so, right now, the question, really the challenge we hear from many people we talk with, is about how a person goes about nurturing and sustaining hope amidst so much suffering.

We believe that hope is like a muscle; it is not something we either have or don't have, but it can be exercised and strengthened. In our Wellness Compass Model for Well-being, we address eight areas of wellness, and one of those areas is spirituality.

Hope is often grounded and nurtured in our spirituality. Many people, but certainly not all, express their spirituality through a particular religious faith. In that light, it is worth noting that three of the world's great religions are celebrating holy days amidst the suffering and challenges facing our world right now. Ramadan, Passover, and Easter are all being observed across the globe.

None of these religions minimize the reality of suffering. Each of these faiths acknowledges the presence of profound suffering, and yet it is in the midst of it that they each proclaim hope. So, for example, we read the words of the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., "We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."

Mud season is real. Suffering happens in the world and our lives, as we are reminded all too often. Hope, though, doesn't just happen; it needs to be developed, practiced, and sustained, even when it is hard. In our fifteen-minute podcast, which is a companion to this column, we discuss some practices that nurture hope. You can listen to the podcast by clicking HERE or down below.

Sometimes hope springs forth all at once, symbolized by an unexpected sunny seventy-five-degree day in Wisconsin in April. More often than not, it appears as a small glimpse of a new crocus or daffodil just beginning to peek its head up through the soil on a cold and rainy day. In both cases, the hope is there, yet sometimes, we have to look closely to see it, given all the mud surrounding it.

Making It Personal: What helps you sustain hope in the midst of challenging and uncertain times? What role does your spirituality play in grounding hope for you? Is there anything specific you want to do to nourish your spirit and sense of hope right now?