The Widowed Parent Podcast

"To newly widowed parents, I would say to give yourself a break. Whatever it is that gives you joy or peace or rest, please do that for yourself, and recognize how hard you're working. You are on 24/7 right now. And you need a break, you're working hard, and if you've made it through today, then congratulations and give yourself a pat on the back, because making it through each day is not easy right now. And it does get easier. It takes time. But it does get easier."

~Katie Barrows-Rempe

"You've got a very hard job, but not an impossible job. And, really make sure you're taking care of yourself so that you can take care of your kids."

~ Shelly Bathe Lenn

I had such a great discussion with Shelly Bathe Lenn for this episode. Shelly runs The Garden: A Center for Grieving Children and Teens in Northampton, Massachusetts.

Shelly and I had a wide-ranging discussion, covering topics such as:

• Helping kids feel safe after loss;
• Helping children express feelings after loss;
• The importance of commemorating a loved one;
• Being truthful with kids, even when difficult circumstances surround a death;
• How parents can model healthy grief and emotions;
• Running grief groups in schools; and
• Book recommendations.

I hope you enjoy my discussion with Shelly Bathe Lenn.

"You've got a very hard job, but not an impossible job. And, really make sure you're taking care of yourself so that you can take care of your kids."

~ Shelly Bathe Lenn

"I realized that I wanted to use my pain for purpose. The first thing was, 'I'm not going to be defeated by this. Caleb's not going to lose both of his parents.' But then I think as I started to work through and surrender to the journey and say, 'Well, okay, but how can I use this?,' because then it would actually honor my husband's life and his death wouldn't be in vain."

-Karen Millsap

I'm so excited to bring you my discussion with Karen Millsap this week. I mean, you've got to love someone with a TEDx talk called "Use your tragedy to change the world," right?

Karen's husband Richard was murdered when she was just 29 years old. Her son was 2. After seeing her dreams shattered, and spending the first year in a fog, she realized that she had the power of choice…the power to decide that she was not going to let her life be destroyed by her husband's death. She also realized that how she handled her husband's death would have a direct impact on her son's life and character.

Karen and I talked about so many fascinating topics, including:

• Getting herself out of the victim mindset and the "pity party";
• The four pillars of practical empathy;
• The HEAL method;
• Teaching your kids how to use confidence checkpoints
• Transitioning back to work after loss
• Using her experience to help others
• How in the midst of losing everything she found herself; and
• Her plans to help her son turn his pain into purpose as he gets older

I hope you enjoy my discussion with Karen Millsap.

“I realized that I wanted to use my pain for purpose. The first thing was, ‘I'm not going to be defeated by this. Caleb's not going to lose both of his parents.’ But then I think as I started to work through and surrender to the journey and say, ‘Well, okay, but how can I use this?,’ because then it would actually honor my husband's life and his death wouldn't be in vain."

-Karen Millsap

"The greatest gift we can give our teenagers if we can is to be really boring and self-sufficient as parents, to allow them to be the ones whose lives feel a little unsteady and unpredictable and drama-filled. That's sort of what it means to be a teenager. And so if we can surround them with a pretty stable and boring environment, where we're meeting our needs in lots of ways that don't necessarily depend on them, I think that's a huge gift." -- Dr. Lisa Damour, author of Untangled and Under Pressure

I had such a useful and fascinating discussion with Dr. Lisa Damour for this episode. Lisa is a clinical psychologist and is the New York Times bestselling author of Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood, and the brand-new Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls.

I'm very glad to bring you my discussion with Lisa for this episode. One of the questions I hear a lot is "how do I know if something is a grief issue or a normal teenage issue?" I figure, since she's an expert in teenage girls, who better to help us understand our daughters, and to help us understand what "normal" looks like. And then, when we have a better grasp on what's normal, we can also better understand when we should potentially be concerned.

Lisa and I talked about a wide range of topics:

• The seven developmental tasks that teenagers are working on;
• Parting with childhood, including what this looks like and when to be concerned;
• Joining a new tribe, including why having 1-2 close friends at this age is actually preferable to having a large circle of friends;
• Harnessing emotions, including how teenagers' brains undergo a massive upgrade, beginning with the emotion centers;
• Why parents need to be strong enough to withstand their teenager pushing away, and why this is complicated by bereavement;
• Serving as the emotional dumping ground for your teenager; and
• How stress and anxiety are normal and healthy functions for all people, teenagers included.

I hope you enjoy my discussion with Dr. Lisa Damour.

“The greatest gift we can give our teenagers if we can is to be really boring and self-sufficient as parents, to allow them to be the ones whose lives feel a little unsteady and unpredictable and drama-filled. That’s sort of what it means to be a teenager. And so if we can surround them with a pretty stable and boring environment, where we’re meeting our needs in lots of ways that don’t necessarily depend on them, I think that’s a huge gift.”

-- Dr. Lisa Damour, author of Untangled and Under Pr

"Grief has a way of seeping from the inside out in the most unexpected ways. Being prepared and open to field unexpected situations, with keeping in mind honoring the deceased parent in that whole picture, is probably one of the most important things that you can bring to the relationship. I believe that remaining open to ways to help a child navigate their grief process is going to be one of the keys to deepening that relationship, which then unlocks the door to so many other wonderful things."

~Diane Ingram Fromme, author of Stepparenting the Grieving Child

I learned so much from talking with Diane Ingram Fromme for this episode. Diane is the author of "Stepparenting the Grieving Child: Cultivating Past and Present Connections with Children Who Have Lost a Parent." She married a widower with kids, thus becoming a step mom to two young kids who were grieving the loss of their mom. She entered this role full of optimism, and found it much harder than she expected. She couldn't find any books on stepparenting grieving kids so she did extensive research and decided to write that book herself.

Some of the topics we discussed include:

• If the stepparent isn't 'replacing' the deceased parent, what then is their role with the kids;
• The importance of the stepparent helping the kids honor and remember their deceased parent;
• On still being in the "get to know you" phase after several years;
• The stepfamily cycle;
• Common stepfamily myths;
• The importance of maintaining relationships with the family of the deceased parent; and
• Tips for preparing to marry into a widowed family.

If you're a widow who has remarried, or someone who has married into or is considering marrying into a widowed family, I highly recommend reading Diane's book. I think you'll find lots of advice and perspective that will help as you embark on this new phase of your family's life.

I hope you enjoy my discussion with Diane Ingram Fromme.

“Grief has a way of seeping from the inside out in the most unexpected ways. Being prepared and open to field unexpected situations, with keeping in mind honoring the deceased parent in that whole picture, is probably one of the most important things that you can bring to the relationship. Remaining open to ways to help a child navigate their grief process is going to be one of the keys to deepening that relationship, which then unlocks the door to so many other wonderful things.”

~Diane Ingram Fromme

"Children can be resilient. But we know there are factors that have to do with building resiliency in them. They are not automatically any more resilient than we are, or than anybody is. If anything, they're very vulnerable to a lot of things. Losing a parent in childhood is one of the most adverse events that can occur in a child's life. So, to just say they're resilient, they'll be fine, is not enough." -- Lane Pease, program director at Kate's Club

I really loved talking with Lane Pease for this episode. Lane is the program director of Kate's Club in Atlanta and is herself a widowed parent. We discussed so many topics that I found fascinating, and I hope you will, too. Topics we discussed include:

• building resiliency in kids after loss;
• the balance between maintaining structure & routine and giving your family a break when needed;
• when to choose one-on-one therapy vs a peer grief group for your child;
• traumatic grief – what is it, and how does it differ from adaptive grief, & signs your child might be experiencing this;
• Worden's Tasks of Mourning;
• how the surviving parent's ability to cope affects the child's ability to cope;
• the importance of open and honest communication with your child regarding cause of death, especially in difficult situations; and
• Kate's Club's programs (a great resource if you live in Atlanta!).

I hope you enjoy my discussion with Lane Pease.