The Widowed Parent Podcast

"Children can be resilient. But we know there are factors that have to do with building resiliency in them. They are not automatically any more resilient than we are, or than anybody is. If anything, they’re very vulnerable to a lot of things. Losing a parent in childhood is one of the most adverse events that can occur in a child’s life. So, to just say they’re resilient, they’ll be fine, is not enough."     -- Lane Pease, program director at Kate's Club

"It really is about trusting yourself. Trusting your kids. Absolutely get professional help. Get community around you. Whittle down your life to the most essential components if you can. Insulate yourself in a way that prioritizes your time, prioritizes your healing. I think those are the things that I've taken most away from this. Be authentic, be kind to yourself, give yourself a lot of grace."

~ Writer & widowed parent Jeanette Koncikowski on re-partnering after loss

I had a great discussion with Jeanette Koncikowski for this episode. Jeanette is a writer and is a widowed parent. She is writing the book she wishes she had when her husband died. Jeanette and I had a great discussion on a variety of topics:

• Healing from the traumatic circumstances of her husband's death;
• Moving and buying a home on her own 9 months after her husband died;
• Starting a new relationship after loss, and figuring out how to move forward together;
• Moving forward with a new relationship while honoring your late spouse;
• Carving out a role for the step parent that is not replacing the deceased parent;
• Learning to bear witness to her kids' pain rather than trying to fix it;
• Realizing that having more than one kid means more than one kind of kid grief; and
• Honoring her late husband's life on his birthday by involving her kids in charity fundraisers.

One more thing – Jeanette is still looking to conduct interviews for her book with a few more widowed dads and widowed LGBTQ parents. If that's you and you'd like to help, please head over the show notes to find out how to get in touch with Jeanette.

I hope you enjoy my discussion with Jeanette Koncikowski.

“It really is about trusting yourself. Trusting your kids. Absolutely get professional help. Get community around you. Whittle down your life to the most essential components if you can. Insulate yourself in a way that prioritizes your time, prioritizes your healing. I think those are the things that I’ve taken most away from this. Be authentic, be kind to yourself, give yourself a lot of grace.”

~ Writer & widowed parent Jeanette Koncikowski on re-partnering after loss

"You're not alone. There are many, many people out there going through the same thing as you. You do not have to be perfect. You were not perfect before your husband or wife or partner died, and you don't need to be perfect now. Give yourself some leeway. Be self-forgiving, and be patient with yourself. You're going to drop a lot of balls. You're going to sometimes feel like it's overwhelming. You're going to feel like you're not sure you can do this, or you don't know how to move forward. You're going to have questions abound. Rely on your friends and family, even if they can't fully appreciate it. Give yourself some space; this takes time. There's no clock on this, no time limit." - Dr. Justin Yopp

I had such a great discussion with Dr. Justin Yopp of the University of North Carolina for this episode. Justin is a clinical psychologist and is co-author of the book, "The Group: Seven Widowed Fathers Reimagine Life."

I really enjoyed our wide-ranging discussion. It was a fascinating mix of practical and academic, and included some great stories from the widowed dads in the book about their experiences. Some of the topics we covered include: the dual process model of coping and bereavement; post-traumatic growth; the concept of being a 'good enough' parent; the unique hardships of being a widowed father; and the research into the needs of widowed parents being conducted at UNC.

By the way, if you're a widowed mom or dad with kids 18 & under at home, and widowed less than three years, I'd encourage you to answer the survey on their web site…this is such important work and, surprisingly, there is very little research that's been done on the needs of widowed parents. Look for the link in the show notes for episode 9.

I hope you enjoy my discussion with Dr. Justin Yopp.

“You’re not alone. There are many, many people out there going through the same thing as you. You do not have to be perfect. You were not perfect before your husband or wife or partner died, and you don’t need to be perfect now. Give yourself some leeway. Be self-forgiving, and be patient with yourself. Rely on your friends and family, even if they can’t fully appreciate it. Give yourself some space; this takes time. There’s no clock on this, no time limit.”

- Dr. Justin Yopp

"Love yourself as fiercely as you can. And let it be what it is. And yes, life will be different, but that doesn't mean it has to be limited. And just let it unfold. And love yourself through it. No rights, no wrongs, no judgement, no should be farther along than you are, no I'm not parenting well enough, or I should be better or my kids deserve better, or I have to fix it for them. It's not useful." - Krista St-Germain, life coach for widowed moms

I had a fantastic discussion with Krista St-Germain for this episode. Krista is a life coach for widowed moms, a career she started after losing her own husband in a tragic accident. We talked about a number of fascinating topics, including: the differences between therapy and life coaching, and when you should consider one vs the other; how our thoughts create our feelings, and some ways to get started with self-coaching to change our thought patterns; what is post-traumatic growth, and how she sees clients hold themselves back from healing and growth; and about not trying to "fix" negative emotions in ourselves or our kids. Talking with Krista gave me a lot to think about in my own life and my own parenting.

I hope you enjoy my discussion with Krista St-Germain.

“Love yourself as fiercely as you can. And let it be what it is. And yes, life will be different, but that doesn’t mean it has to be limited. And just let it unfold. And love yourself through it. No rights, no wrongs, no judgement, no should be farther along than you are, no I’m not parenting well enough, or I should be better or my kids deserve better, or I have to fix it for them. It’s not useful.”

- Krista St-Germain, life coach for widowed moms

"You really need to be the parent in their lives still. Now you have to be both parents really. So you have to put in that much extra work. Even though [you're] grieving, and with the whole world maybe crashing down, you still need to provide that structure and be that parent for that kid, because otherwise it's going to affect your relationship going forward." --Austin Shoecraft

I had such an interesting discussion with Austin Shoecraft for this episode. It's such a privilege to talk to young adults who lost a parent when they were a kid, and talking with Austin really got me thinking about a lot of things, including about my own kids and how to best help them.

Austin lost his dad when he was just 11. He talked about growing up with his dad who was sick for as long as he could remember, and how hard it was not to have a lot of other strong memories since he was so young. He also talked about his experiences with peers, including how he changed schools. Now, as a 26-year-old, he has been attending a grief gathering of young adults called The Dinner Party, and he talked both about how that has helped him and also shared some reflections by the group in response to some questions I had posed to them ahead of time.

I hope you enjoy my discussion with Austin Shoecraft.

“You really need to be the parent in their lives still. Now you have to be both parents really. So you have to put in that much extra work. Even though [you’re] grieving, and with the whole world maybe crashing down, you still need to provide that structure and be that parent for that kid, because otherwise it’s going to affect your relationship going forward.” --Austin Shoecraft

"You have all the tools inside you to do it. You're the perfectly imperfect parent to do this with your kiddo. Just talk about it. Just say something. Just open the door. That's all you have to do. Just start. Start anywhere, and start awkwardly, and don't feel like you have to have it perfect, because none of us do." --Therapist & parenting coach Tracey Biebel

I'm very excited today to bring you our first show where we tackle your questions. Some fantastic questions have come in from listeners about moms raising boys after dad has died, or similarly dads raising girls after mom has died. This includes great questions around puberty, including talking with kids about bodies & relationships, and about finding male mentors for boys after dad has died, or vice-versa for girls.

My guest, Tracey Biebel, is a clinical social worker, who is a therapist and family coach, and who deals extensively with these topics in her practice. We covered all sorts of ground, including Tracey's tips on dating as a single parent, taking your kids to puberty classes, connecting with them as they grow and change, and also book recommendations on these topics for all ages.

A quick note, if you have young children around as you're listening, you may wish to consider whether you want them to overhear our open and matter-of-fact discussion of these topics.

I hope you enjoy my discussion with Tracey Biebel.