Think Queerly

Do you ever catch yourself in your own bullshit, making excuses for why you can’t do something, or why you don’t want to do something?

What are the things you’re lying to yourself about that are holding you back from something that would make you happy; some action that, when completed, would improve the quality of your life?

I am not an advocate of “feel the pain and do it anyway”, or “No more excuses, just do it”.

When you don’t know why you’re making an excuse, no amount of verbal pressure is going to help you. You need to get to the root of the problem of why you’re bullshitting yourself about not doing something that’s actually important to you.

• The difference between making excuses versus making choices;
• Understanding and assessing your current reality balanced against your current ability;
• How to use alternatives or a different approach to resolve your excuses (which will help you avoid repeating them in the future);
• Shifting your mindset and attitude towards how you want to feel, once you’ve completed whatever action you’ve been avoiding;
• Pain versus discomfort, and;
• How discomfort is a useful growth tool.

Personal growth happens when you lean out of your comfort zone long enough to cause permanent expansion.

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This episode was inspired by a recent post on my LGBTQ publication, Th-Ink Queerlyabout one person’s coming out process, and specifically her fears. I found it interesting because it became a list of fears that – I fear – would keep her forever trapped in a state of low self-worth and limited growth, if she doesn’t find a way to reframe her fears.

It’s vital we ask the kind of questions that support us in our personal growth. Asking questions based on what we are afraid of will keep us stuck in those fears, and suppresses the essence of who we are at the soul level . Living in fear blocks our possibility of fully living OUT the best of who we are.

We can reframe our thoughts by asking supportive questions instead of making fear-based statements. Instead of saying something like, “I’m afraid that if I do X then Y will happen, we can ask or state,

I am hopeful that…

I am grateful for…

I am content because of…

The more we make a list of fears, the easier it is to slide into the trappings of the status quo, which is fear-based, and works to make you just like everyone else.

Admittedly it takes great courage to say, “Yes, I am afraid.” We all are. But the way we embrace these fears is to see their opposites.

Living OUT theme music: “Summer” by Bensound.com

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This past Sunday night, July 22 in Toronto, Faisal Hussain, a 29-year-old resident went on a shooting rampage on a number of Danforth Avenue restaurants. A 10-year-old girl and and and 18-year-old woman were killed, with many more injured in the attack. This is a terrible tragedy and my heart goes out to all those who have lost someone in this and other violent attacks.

The news headlines and the media over the last few days have made it seem like the city of Toronto is falling apart as a result of increased violence. This morning I read an article in The Guardian which made we wonder,

In this special episode of the Living OUT Podcast, I discuss why the questions and statements I’ve read and heard people talking about are problematic. For example,

• “What’s happening to my city?”, or;
• “Can’t believe the city I love is unraveling before my eyes because of the actions of a few sick people,”

The media glorifies these types of questions for sound bites and it makes the news addictive. It shifts our focus into reaction and fear; not response and empathy.

These are redundant or rhetorical questions / statements that keep people stuck in fear and focused on the wrong issues. It allows people to jump to conclusions based on too few details to make any sort of logical judgment about the overall situation.

To get to the truth of what’s happening with respect to this tragedy in Toronto, as well as other similar incidents, we need to ask questions in a different way. We need to,

• Ask for insight;
• Ask from empathy, and;
• Ask in a way that requires an empowering solution as the answer.

I’m not saying this is easy, but…

Better questions to ask about this tragedy are,

• “What can we do now?”
• “Why do we allow the sale of guns in Canada?”
• “How is turning a blind eye to mental health, poverty, and the displacement of individuals making situations like this worse?”

News articles referenced for this episode:

• Rattled by string of violent attacks, Toronto wonders if city is unraveling
• Gunman in Danforth rampage had prior contact with police: source
• 'Like 2 different people': Friend of Faisal Hussain struggles to understand what sparked Danforth rampage
• Toronto shooting: Why there are no simple explanations for acts of mass violence

Living OUT theme music: “Summer” by Bensound.com

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Something I learned about myself some time ago, was how gay shame was holding me back and limiting my success. I was afraid of other people’s options of me.

For many gay men it’s challenging to feel good enough, to feel like we belong, and to feel equal within society. Not feeling good enough started in my childhood, as it does for anyone who feels “different” (as I did) at a very early age. I felt isolated and rejected by my peers, which had a profound affect on my emotional, intellectual, and psychological development.

By trying to fit in and not draw attention to myself as a gay man, I had to hide away parts of myself. Gay shame reared its ugly head later in life when I realized I was afraid of my own success – I was afraid of being visible.

What an interesting paradox! On the one hand I wasn’t afraid of being in the public eye, but on the other, years of adolescent shame about being gay was the impetus for self-sabotage.

Helpful links:

• The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs
• Why I’m Not Good Enough: My Dirty Gay Secret
• If You’re a Gay Man, Are You Good Enough?

Living OUT theme music: “Summer” by Bensound.com 

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On a daily basis – if you read headline news – there appears to be so much pain and anguish in the world. Often our intrinsic, immediate response to those who make us feel this way is to lash out or bash back.

Is outrage and / or physical violence an appropriate response, and if not, how can we better respond to injustice?

What's been happening over a long time, and what we are witnessing much more of in 2018, is an escalation of corruption, greed, and a complete loss of empathy and morality. We can fight with our fists and we can shout with our words, but that that will only create a greater division and dichotomy between those who believe they are right, and the other side that believes it is right.

This escalation into darkness will not create a humanitarian existence for life on this planet. Somehow we need to take a different approach that reinforces and demonstrates empathy – beyond what the evil-doers of this world have ever witnessed.

Living OUT theme music: “Summer” by Bensound.com 

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If you do any kind of work in the public eye, whether you write, podcast, record videos, and so on, you need to be ready for the haters. And by the way, this includes posting to your personal Twitter or Facebook pages! You never know who’s lurking and ready to attack you for your views and opinions.

Haters love to hate online.

It’s easy – they can often hide behind a profile without a face picture or even their real name as they barrage you with disrespectful, negative, bigoted, or bitter comments on any of your posts. They also love to invite their friends!

You can't stop the haters.

You certainly don't have to love them back, but in this week’s episode I’ll discuss how you can deal with them – and it’s probably not what you’d expect.

I also classify and discuss the three types of haters, and why the second type, the “bigoted hater” is easier to deal with that the third type, “the bitter, resentful, vile, vengeful, and unforgiving hater.”

Lastly, I talk about the unfortunate truth about most haters and why they attack in the first place.

Living OUT theme music: “Summer” by Bensound.com 

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Setting a standard of leadership starts with self-awareness

One of the many test of leadership is seen when the leader must make difficult decisions that affect other people.

True leadership is borne when others look to you for guidance. They might want to follow you, mimic you, or stand with you for what you believe is right and just. They will call you a leader, without you ever calling yourself one.

Effective leadership is measured by the actions the leader takes after the fact.

Sometimes being a leader means having to take complete ownership of a situation. I may talk with others to get advice on what to do, but ultimately the final "leadership" decision is my own. I have to own the decision and deal with whatever consequences follow. I have to believe in myself even when my choices are difficult to make – especially if my choices affect the livelihood or expression of others.

Leading others starts with how you lead yourself.

Living OUT theme music: “Summer” by Bensound.com

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Pride will always be political so long as it continues to exist.

Pride, as a celebration — because it is celebrated — is a priori political because of its origins. Even to those to whom Pride only seems a big party, the nature and existence of Pride is built upon the foundations of a political movement.

Pride says to onlookers, “Take notice, we’re here, we’re queer, you need to see that we exist, and we will march, protest, or party in the streets to celebrate who we are, and that love is love.”

How well a Pride does to espouse its political leanings varies from place to place and time to time. But Pride exists because it is and must be political; it will always allow for the possibility of political expression, no matter how small.

Should we remain marginalized, throwing bricks and protesting in the streets, or should we embrace both the party and protest?

Should we embrace the commercialization of Pride, but look to better control and regulate who profits from our identities, and how we are represented in society at large?

Music credit: "Summer" by BenSound.com

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How does a sexual position make you feel and what does that say about you? Are you versatile, or do you only like it one way?

What was the impact of your first sexual experience on how you perceive pleasure and the development of your identity?

I realize that much of my sexual identity stems from having been in the closet until I was 18. Needing to control my mannerisms so I could fit in and not be outed, had an impact on the level of control I need and enjoy in the bedroom.

Do you struggle with control issues and letting yourself be free to explore your sexual identity? Listen to today’s episode for all the fun details!

Links mentioned in the episode:

Top Or Bottom? How it makes you feel vs how you perceive pleasure. 

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But do you know? This not about wanting things like a car, furniture, or making more money. Instead this question is about something much deeper. It’s about connecting with your core values and what your life would be like if you could finally have what you really want.

What often happens when clients tell me what they want is that they also tell me why they can’t have it. We all do this to some extent. We create conditions around why we can’t or shouldn’t have what we want. Sometimes it’s about self-worth, other times it’s fear of leaning out of your comfort zone.

This is an important episode if you want to break out of the box and get the life you want. 

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