Throw in the Pal

If you think it's hard to find a way in to understanding legendary entertainment-based families, let us weigh in with our SnS discussion this episode, where we get to weighin' the way in which this particular family left a big impact. No, it's not the Muffets, sitting on their tuffets with their curds and whey in front of their faces, or one of the legendary families of the Three Kingdoms Era in China, when Cao Cao was leading Wei into battle... No, it's just like... the Wayans. You idiot.

Isn't it what we all crave? A glamorous gal, a stunning seniorita, an unparalleled Persephonic partner of pulchritudinous personage?

Well you'd best get set for this episode all about a Pretty Woman, and the pretty cool men (who aren't afraid to show off their sensitive side) who might just be head-over-heels or hawk-over-tuah for this happy go lucky hullabaloo of a motion picture. Get yourself into gear and rub yourself til it hurts for Gere and Roberts in this charming, possibly dated tale of finding love in a hopeless place.

Are you a horror icon? Here's a checklist to find out:

- Are you now or have you ever worn a mask made of your victims' skin?

- Do teenagers having intercourse near moonlit lakes make you murderous with rage?

- Has the queer community inexplicably claimed you as an aspirational figure?

- Have you recently begun to suspect that you are essentially immortal?

- Does blood make you climax?

If the answer to all of these is yes, you're either-- sorry to say -- one of the Pals, or -- congratulations! -- a horror icon! Maybe we talk about you in this episode?

Only one way to find out!

As Pals, a feeling has become clear to us. Movies do not hate the audience; the audience does not hate filmmakers. But podcasting feels inevitable between them. Perhaps, we think, this is the way of the world: it will hunt you down and throw you in just for being who you are. And so, this week, join Marcenstein, Tomenstein and Frank as they discuss the revivification of a shambling beast that has laid dormant for many years, with the Pals feeling for a pulse to determine if "IT'S ALIVE!" or DOA.

Some say life is just a series of near-disasters, averted invisibly but always coiled in the shadows, awaiting their next opportunity. Some say the fact that 'podcaster' rhymes with 'disaster' is a little on the nose. Some say that using "some say" as the launching pad for any type of writing is pretentious, but those people are the wrong kind of "some sayers" and they can eat a butt. Sum 41 say some say we're never meant to grow up, and that's good enough for me. Hey, look at that: a disastrous blurb for a Short 'n Sweet about Disaster Movies. Neat!

What was your name again, Mr Jimmy Connection?

That's got a ring to it, and I like the look of ya, through my silver monocle.

Good gracious, now that I get a closer look, I recognise you as that Spanish EDM music producer who also happens to be devoutly Christian. Yes, indeed it is, the renowned ¡Dub Lós Heaven! How charming to make your acquaintance, though I'm sorry to see you have a small gash on the side of your face. I suppose it's not a major gash, just a small mark, a mar-teeny, as it were.

Well, toodlepip, I'm off to my favourite theme park, with the newly opened earthquake simulator where there used to be a virtual whirlpool. I'm looking forward to finally being shaken, not stirred.

GOLDENEYE!

You've heard 'em all before, some of the greatest quotes in all of cinema:

"Frankly, my dear, I don't throw a Pal!"

"Here's throwing at you, Pal."

"There's no Pal like throw."

"I'll throw what she's Paling."

"You wanna throw how I got these Pals?"

"I love the throw of naPALm in the morning."

Now, it's the Pals' turn to do some lines, in this week's Short n Sweet: Best One Liners!

Pals... You can't speak, because we can't hear you. We are the creators of a podcast that gives hope and joy and inspiration to millions. And you? You're the listeners. Is any of this real? We are real. That's what makes us so good to listen to. Now, believe us, Pals: there's no more truth out there than there is in this pod we created for you. Same lies. The same deceit. But in our world, you have nothing to fear. We know you better than you know yourself. We are the podcast in your head! You're afraid. That's why you can't stop listening. It's okay, Pals. We understand. We have been talking to you your whole life. We were talking when you were listening on Spotify. We were talking when you took your first step... towards watching us on YouTube. We've talked to you every day of your lives. Heh heh. We've always been there, ever since the time when we threw our first pal, heh heh... You can't leave, listener. You belong here... with us. Don't talk to us. Don't say anything. Hell, shut the f%4k up, goddammit! We're doing a podcast! We're live to the whole world!

And of course, in case we don't see ya, good Pal-ternoon, good Pal-vening and good Pal!

What kind of things should you remake? A delicious pie after it's been fouled by a libidinous high schooler? Yes, says I! But what about if that second pie, equally as scrumptious and now just as cum-ptious due to that same horny fellow? Maybe once more, I suppose, but don't leave it cooling by the sill, for heaven's sake! Anyway, this is all a deviously complicated metaphor drawing from the popular method of masturbation used by one Jason Biggs in the popular teen comedy American Pie, a film that has never actuallly been remade in the traditional sense, while other films of more apparent integrity have ironically been repackaged, microwaved and served up as a brand spanking new pastry dishes, though now much staler and with suspiciously viscous fillings. This is what we call remake culture in Hollywood, and if it doesn't make you feel queasy, then I've got just the dessert for you!

Look, up in the sky! It's a bird... it's a plane... no, actually, its dimensions don't really fit either of those fairly common sky-bound properties. Aahh, could be some sort of... drone, I suppose? Well, actually, looks like there's a lot of fabric, so maybe it's a banner, like, as some promotion for... banners? Do banners need promoting? You kinda need one or you don't, right? People aren't typically driving to work and then they see a Banners R Us promotion and think, "Sh!t, I could use one of those for the spare bathroom, just to hang out the front so people know it's the spare and not the regular--" Oh my God, it's a guy! There is a guy in the f*@$ing sky! What? WHAT?! Did he fall from space? Is that a spaceman? Is anyone else seeing the SPACEMAN IN THE SKY WHO SEEMS TO BE MOVING IN A GRACEFUL ARC TOWARDS THE HORIZON?! Just me?! Alright, well, I'm gonna assume I'm having a psychotic break so I'm gonna skip the office today, head home and rug up with some comfort food. Maybe a nice tin of some Campbell's. Mmm-mmm, do I love me some Campbell's chicken and pea soup. I love it so much, they oughta call me... Campbell-Dude, or somethin'. Hey, when did my nose start gushing blood? Weird.