Hello and happy new year and welcome back to our No Bad Parts read-along.
We are starting part two together on self-leadership and within this chapter there is an exercise called the path meditation and I just wanted to remind you if you missed my earlier episode I have a recording on that for you.
And it's a wonderful practice to be curious about as we move into this next phase of connecting to the self and building the self up as a leader.
As we dive into this chapter on healing and transformation, I think we hit upon something that is a core part of the IFS model as well as the NARM model and something that I think can be such a paradigm shift for many of us because oftentimes in the world and in therapy there's this idea that these behaviors that we do are bad and all we need to do is just change our bad behaviors and then we'll be better and our life will be better and we'll be the person we want to be.
But when we understand that those behaviors, emotions, impulses, thoughts, emotions are not bad or defective or sick, but instead are a part that are playing a role to protect you and keep you safe, that we're trying to keep you connected to the world and to people around you, well, that's a major paradigm shift.
Of course, the name of the book is No Bad Parts, and IFS teaches us that these parts and everything they hold are not inherently bad, but are carrying burdens and playing roles to protect us and doing the best they can to navigate life based on the lenses that they hold.
And when we start to understand that these parts aren't a sign that there's something wrong with us or that we're broken, but that we're protecting ourselves from something, that allows us to shift into that curious observer, that self.
Remembering, noticing and observing is responding. Noticing and observing these parts and experiences is what we're here to do.
NARM, too, reminds us that these survival patterns are adaptations. And they're actually really clever adaptations. They're not pathology algorithms. They're the body and the mind and the nervous system working together to try to keep us safe, try to keep us in connection when things feel overwhelming and when systems don't make sense.
As we've discussed, systems are systems, whether it's our internal system or family system or a work system. Systems want to maintain that homeostasis, meaning keeping things the same.
And so oftentimes in literature about families that are impacted by addiction and substance use, they'll talk about these roles, the scapegoat, the hero, the lost child, the golden child.
Those roles are simply names we give to the parts that people are playing in the system to try to maintain the homeostasis, to try to maintain safety and connection.
If those families are supported towards more well-being, more safety, and a new homeostasis, then those roles drop because those are not innate to the person, but rather things that develop in a system to try to keep them safe and in connection.
And of course, it's likely that we have parts of us too, or ourselves, who are connected, who are online.
But those parts sometimes get hidden behind these other parts that are trying to protect us. So oftentimes in our own self-exploration, we're working to connect with these burdened parts to help them to feel safe and to transform into the other side for more access to the self nature of those parts.
So an important part here is to revisit those four goals of IFS. To liberate the parts from their roles and return them to their natural states, where we can access the gift of these parts.
Like a part that is an intellectualizer might become a part that helps us plan and dream and be connected to the future and to carry out tasks.
The second goal, restore trust in the self. And that is where that path meditation that I recorded can come in very handy, where we're being curious about supporting the parts and trusting the self.
We're rebuilding that internal relationship. Reharmonizing the inner system, so we're building a new homeostasis, a new sense of safety, where we can feel safe with those parts unburdened and at rest.
Whereas right now, when we try to rest and those parts try to sit down, we likely don't feel safe. And that's because of the homeostasis and the predictive patterns in our brain that says, resting, relaxing, being authentic, being ourselves, having autonomy, connecting, those things are not safe.
So if you try to do so from yourself, those parts will try to protect you at all costs by stopping you.
And that's what oftentimes people will call the quote-unquote self-sabotaging behavior.
We know it's actually not self-sabotaging. It's very protective. It's coming from those managers, those firefighters who are all working together to try to protect that burdened exile who feels so terrified, so rageful, and so grief-filled.
And so when we think of healing or transformation, we're not trying to change you.
Oftentimes people ask me, well, who am I if I'm not a perfectionist? Or who am I if I'm not an intellectualizer? Who am I if I'm not focusing on everyone else's needs?
And it can be really scary to think, I don't know who I am. What is my identity? If these things that I thought were my identity are actually part of our protective parts.
And the good thing is you are you and you will still be you.
And when we look at the word heal from this perspective, we're looking at this idea to make whole, to bring these parts of you back in, make the system whole again, build up a felt sense of safety for you so that you can be yourself without the burdens and the protective nature trying to shut you down.
So if you imagine right now that yourself is locked up in a castle, in a turret, looking out, and there's the moat, and there's the alligators, and there's the sentries, and there's the guards, and those are all the protective parts trying to prevent yourself from getting out.
Why? Because if yourself gets out, you might do something that would cause pain to the exile. So the exile is also deeply hidden away in there.
But those protective parts don't want to let you out because you might do something to cause a problem. So you will still be you—it's just the guards will step away, the bridge will go across the moat, and you will be you without all of the burdens.
And that is when we get to have choice and flexibility and agency. And it's not a magic trick. It doesn't mean suddenly our life is perfect—though I wish it did—but what it means is we have that choice.
We can be in the present, we can make choices that are in alignment with what we want for ourselves. We can be curious. We can try things on.
Dr. Schwartz says an exile is healed when the self retrieves it from where it's stuck in the past.
Remember, we can't approach the exile without permission from the protective parts.
So as we step into this next part of the book, referring to the book this time versus a part internally, as we step forward to this part two, what we're being curious about is building up that trust with the internal systems so that the protectors can feel free, they can be unburdened, they can take on new valuable roles, and eventually the exile can be freed.
And all that energy that your nervous system and brain are spending gripping so hard to protect you and to try to keep you from being triggered and to try to protect your exile gets freed up.
And that's where the flexibility and choice and agency and feelings and presence and all of that goodness comes in.
And it's the very same in the NARM model where we're not trying to change you as a person. We're not trying to get rid of parts of you. We're being curious about what happens as you're able to step more into the adult consciousness and bring that child consciousness part of you in.
Then you get to see the world through adult lenses.
And so instead of something like setting a boundary with your boss feeling like a life threat because your exile part is so completely triggered and terrified, it might feel like a small challenge, something to be curious about, something you can try on, because you know you can handle whatever comes.
That if your boss doesn't like the boundary, that you can handle that.
But that's something that's very, very difficult to access when those parts are activated to try to protect the exile.
So there's an example in here that Dr. Schwartz gives—a therapeutic process he was in with a woman who came in after her boyfriend proposed.
And instead of feeling joyful and excited and connected, she felt completely terrified.
And she couldn't make sense of it cognitively. Because she loved him, and she wanted to marry him, but she felt this deep-seated terror and fear.
And slowing things down and approaching this from an IFS model, Dr. Schwartz was able to support her in connecting to her fear and exploring, "Ah, this isn't just a random fear, this is a protector part."
This is a part that had been with her for a long time, since childhood, where she had a father who struggled with substance use, and she never, ever wanted to feel trapped like that again.
And so this part developed to try to protect her from pain.
So it wasn't here to try to sabotage a relationship and get in the way of her love, but it was so terrified that moving forward in this relationship would get her feeling trapped with someone who might hurt her or make her feel that deep pain again.
And so through IFS, they were able to work with a protector part and that young exiled part that held all of that terror, that felt trapped and powerless, and who never wanted to be in that again.
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And to be with that pain and to build up a relationship between the self and that exile part and to help that part become unburdened.
And eventually that protector was able to set down its burdens as well. She recognized now that this woman was an adult, the job wasn't needed in the same way.
She wasn't a child who needed to be protected by shutting everything down, pushing all the feelings of a relationship away, and using terror to shut things down to protect the exile part.
But instead that it could relax, and she could make decisions about her relationship from a present mind, an adult consciousness mind, a self mind.
And this is what healing looks like in IFS—a part reconnecting, burdens being released, and that energy being freed for other things.
Now, of course, I always want to remind you that when we come upon these examples to know this is a deep process.
This is the process of weeks, months, years.
And so even though IFS is a wonderful model, it's still important to titrate things and to take things slowly and to know this isn't something that's going to be completed in one or two sessions or one week of curiosity, right?
These are deep, deep patterns.
And we know from a neuroscience perspective that they're held as those predictive patterns in the brain to maintain homeostasis.
So if your brain has a predictive pattern that says being tied in a relationship is dangerous and scary because you could be trapped and be unsafe, you're not suddenly going to be able to make your brain believe that you're safe.
We know we have to work with the brain instead of against the brain.
And that means making tiny little changes at a time through observing the experience.
Observing, observing, observing.
You might get tired of hearing that. But observing and noticing is responding.
Just by observing the process and noticing, "Oh, I started feeling really terrified because I started feeling really trapped."
Even if you go right back into feeling terrified, you fired your neurons in a different direction by observing it.
And that's the coolest thing—just knowing you don't have to focus on the outcome of changing the behavior or changing the emotion. (And you wouldn't be successful in that even if you tried).
So understanding and knowing that the observing is the bridge to move you across towards self-connection and reharmonization and building up the relationship with self—that is the best gift that I can offer to you, and that I will reiterate over and over and over again.
Observing is the work. Noticing is responding. That is how we build up new neural pathways in our brain, that is how we build up relationships with the parts so that they can trust us, and that is how eventually, over time, we build new neural pathways that allow the parts to become unburdened—including the exile part—and allow us to release that energy and reconnect to self.
So reminding you here, as you go back to that path meditation, it's okay if you don't get very far down the path. It's okay if your parts don't allow it. This is a practice of observation.
The path meditation and other exercises in this book are not intended to get you to an outcome, at least from my perspective. Instead, it's an opportunity to learn what happens.
What parts come up? Which parts are willing to wait? Which parts are willing to not wait? What energy is there? What do you notice in your body? What are your thoughts? What are your emotions?
And so we don't have to worry about trying to get down the path, but rather about observing.
Now, this is where we come into what the self is and what the self isn't.
And we come into the eight C's of self-energy and self-leadership.
And I love Dr. Schwartz for this reason. He has all these like eight this and six that. And I love things like that.
So the eight C's of self-energy and self-leadership: curiosity, calm, confidence, compassion, creativity, clarity, courage, and connectedness.
And curiosity is often the first quality to reveal itself. And so neutral curiosity is what I'm always emphasizing. Neutral observation—there it is again—the observation is curiosity.
It is the path. It is the bridge towards those other C's, especially compassion.
For many of us, compassion feels nearly impossible. Because compassion means, "Wow, I must be okay."
And if I'm okay, I might do something like be myself. And if I'm myself, that's terrifying to the exile.
So don't worry about trying to get to all these eight C's. If we can start with that neutral observation with a little drop of curiosity, we are well on the way. That is self-energy.
Now, Dr. Schwartz mentions that compassion is a spontaneous aspect of the self, and that compassion isn't something you have to develop.
Now, there is an idea that compassion is something you have to build up and to practice. And you just heard me say that curiosity is the bridge to compassion, not because you have to build it up, but because it will come when you are safe enough.
It will come when there is enough space to be in yourself and feel for those parts of you. And that also takes courage and calmness. Time.
We will not be the exception to neuroscience, so it will take time.
And so just allowing yourself to know those eight C's will come and they will flex and they will flow.
And sometimes there's more curiosity and sometimes there's less. Sometimes you hit a moment of self-compassion, and other times it feels like, "I may never get to compassion again."
That's all part of the process, and you're right on track.
Now let's talk for a little moment about what the self isn't.
The self is not the ego—the part that's trying to control things and make it okay.
In IFS, the ego is more like a cluster of manager parts, right? It's those protectors who are trying to run our lives and keep us safe.
And the self isn't your consciousness either. And the reason Dr. Schwartz says that is because consciousness is often thought of as this passive watching.
It's not just observing. So observing is a huge part of this, but it's not only observing; it's coming in and building a relationship with those parts too.
That comes after we're able to observe with that mutual curiosity. Again, at least from my perspective.
So the self is really more than just the sum of your parts.
But we know that over our experiences through our childhood and our earlier lives, these parts may have lost the trust in us, in our adult consciousness, in our self's ability to lead.
And that's normal, and that's typical, that the parts stepped in to take over, to carry those burdens that they were never meant to hold.
And so reconnecting with that self, it's a felt sense. It's a felt sense, and that's why I always talk about that felt sense of safety.
That is what comes the more and more we access the self—the knowing that we can handle what comes.
Does that mean we feel happy all the time, wonderful all the time? No, no, not at all.
But it does mean that we have this ongoing thread underneath everything of the knowingness that we can handle what comes.
We are safe, we are resilient, we are flexible, and we are curious.
We still have to exist, all of us, in a world that is very, very challenging.
So we know that means nothing is going to be perfect, right? Nothing will be perfect all the time. There will be stressful things happening, even if things in our life are okay.
But that we can come back to connecting to the self that knows we can handle what comes, that we can connect with our self, with others, with the world, with our body, and with our emotions, and through authentic relationships.
Now, here he talks a little bit about the spirituality of the self. And you can take this or leave this. Everybody has different views on these kinds of things.
There's some interesting exploration here that you might enjoy reading, even if you're not to this chapter yet, to just explore the different ways he connects spirituality to the self.
He even talks a little bit about quantum physics and experiencing the self as a particle.
And how meditation or other things, like they're doing some interesting research with MDMA and psychedelics—and of course, do your own research and connect to things that feel right to you—that might connect us to the self in a different way, that might help us build neural pathways in a different way, that might help us feel connectedness in a different way.
And that there's a balance of experiencing and bringing wisdom back into your day-to-day life.
So everyone experiences the self and spirituality and the world in a different way.
But just this curiosity of our greater connection to the people and the world around us and the role that we and ourselves play in that offers a really interesting thing to just observe and to connect with one of those eight C's of curiosity of what works for you, what makes sense to you, what supports you on the path in your journey, in your capacity to connecting that self to the other parts of you and building that self-leadership.
That we know through doing this work, we can trust and know that over time, the self is there, the self will return.
Even if we feel these old parts or these survival strategies pop up, because they're there for us when we need them—not when we want them.
And so sometimes we might think, "Why is this pattern of behavior coming back up again?" And it's like, well, there was something there that triggered something.
But the self will come back again. It's always there. Even right now, if you're feeling a huge challenge, it's still in there somewhere.
And we rebuild that connection. We build up that trust. We can know that.
So thank you for joining me on this path, on this journey with me. And I look forward to continuing to explore with you in the new year.
Next up is the self in action, and I'm really looking forward to diving into that together.
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