Tom Nikkola | VIGOR Training

When a guy is at his best, there is little that can hold him back. When he's not, there is little that can get him to move.

A man who has some needs met can handle ridicule, setbacks, failures, and major obstacles without taking his eyes off his goals and responsibilities.

I've had periods of time when I felt ready to take on the world. I've also experienced periods of time when I felt nothing. When I felt flat and blah.

Without experiencing the lows, I don't think I'd appreciate the highs as much. I might not have realized what I really needed without finding myself in a state of need.

I'm not going to speak on behalf of every man, anymore than my wife could write on behalf of every woman.

However, I do think that there is enough commonality between what drives me, and what drives many other men, for this article to have meaning.

When the needs below are met, I'll go through hell without losing determination.

When they're not being met, I feel as though I could collapse in to a ball of worthlessness.

If you want to motivate your man, consider how you could do more to meet these needs with him. You may find, he'll even get better at meeting your needs.

A Man Needs a Purpose

Synonyms: Ambition • Principle • Goal • Determination

"What can I do today that will have a long-lasting impact?" This is one of the first thoughts that come to mind each morning when I wake.

I believe God has placed in every man's heart a need to pursue something of long-lasting value.

Some days, the answer is in doing something for my wife.

Other days, it's in doing something that will have a further-reaching impact.

Right now, my hope is that this finished article will resonate with other men, and will open the eyes of their significant others.

Knowing another guy could reach his full potential from something in this article would make for a very good day.

A growing body of research shows retirement can be one of the most detrimental decisions to a man's health. Without work, many men lose a sense of purpose.

It's not just men at retirement that are at risk, though.

Today, more men stay home, or if they work, they might not be the main breadwinner.

For the first 11 years of our marriage, we lived off my income. Vanessa made some money, but for the most part, it was "fun" money for her.

When I resigned from Life Time, her Young Living business became our main source of income. The income was (and is today) far more than what I earned as a Senior Director.

Of course, we share the money. Technically, it is "our money."

But Vanessa no longer needs me to make money. Without her financial need, I cannot fulfill a purpose in earning the income to support our family.

I had to reflect on where else I could focus my skills, talents and passions to pursue a different purpose.

Vanessa and I are not unique. It is more common than ever for the wife's income to be the main income in the family.

Some men find purpose in raising their kids. Others find purpose in service organizations. Still others find meaning in hobbies or other interests.

Initially, I put a lot of effort into improving my part in our marriage. I poured into relationship books and sought counseling.

I also focused on how I could best support Vanessa. And found some interests of my own to pursue, such as consulting with some fitness companies and working on this blog.

In addition to actually pursuing a purpose, a man needs to know he's making progress. If he can't see that he's moving forward, he may lose interest.

If he's working on his marriage, tell him (regularly) what he's doing right, even if he's still making mistakes more than he's producing miracles.

If he's working on a business, show him how much he's grown since the day he started.

If he's pouring his efforts into his kids, describe the ways he's positively impacting them, even when they're too young to notice a difference.

When a guy is at his best, there is little that can hold him back. When he's not, there is little that can get him to move.

A man who has some needs met can handle ridicule, setbacks, failures, and major obstacles without taking his eyes off his goals and responsibilities.

I've had periods of time when I felt ready to take on the world. I've also experienced periods of time when I felt nothing. When I felt flat and blah.

Without experiencing the lows, I don't think I'd appreciate the highs as much. I might not have realized what I really needed without finding myself in a state of need.

I'm not going to speak on behalf of every man, anymore than my wife could write on behalf of every woman.

However, I do think that there is enough commonality between what drives me, and what drives many other men, for this article to have meaning.

When the needs below are met, I'll go through hell without losing determination.

When they're not being met, I feel as though I could collapse in to a ball of worthlessness.

If you want to motivate your man, consider how you could do more to meet these needs with him. You may find, he'll even get better at meeting your needs.

A Man Needs a Purpose

Synonyms: Ambition • Principle • Goal • Determination

"What can I do today that will have a long-lasting impact?" This is one of the first thoughts that come to mind each morning when I wake.

I believe God has placed in every man's heart a need to pursue something of long-lasting value.

Some days, the answer is in doing something for my wife.

Other days, it's in doing something that will have a further-reaching impact.

Right now, my hope is that this finished article will resonate with other men, and will open the eyes of their significant others.

Knowing another guy could reach his full potential from something in this article would make for a very good day.

A growing body of research shows retirement can be one of the most detrimental decisions to a man's health. Without work, many men lose a sense of purpose.

It's not just men at retirement that are at risk, though.

Today, more men stay home, or if they work, they might not be the main breadwinner.

For the first 11 years of our marriage, we lived off my income. Vanessa made some money, but for the most part, it was "fun" money for her.

When I resigned from Life Time, her Young Living business became our main source of income. The income was (and is today) far more than what I earned as a Senior Director.

Of course, we share the money. Technically, it is "our money."

But Vanessa no longer needs me to make money. Without her financial need, I cannot fulfill a purpose in earning the income to support our family.

I had to reflect on where else I could focus my skills, talents and passions to pursue a different purpose.

Vanessa and I are not unique. It is more common than ever for the wife's income to be the main income in the family.

Some men find purpose in raising their kids. Others find purpose in service organizations. Still others find meaning in hobbies or other interests.

Initially, I put a lot of effort into improving my part in our marriage. I poured into relationship books and sought counseling.

I also focused on how I could best support Vanessa. And found some interests of my own to pursue, such as consulting with some fitness companies and working on this blog.

In addition to actually pursuing a purpose, a man needs to know he's making progress. If he can't see that he's moving forward, he may lose interest.

If he's working on his marriage, tell him (regularly) what he's doing right, even if he's still making mistakes more than he's producing miracles.

If he's working on a business, show him how much he's grown since the day he started.

If he's pouring his efforts into his kids, describe the ways he's positively impacting them, even when they're too young to notice a difference.

Who fills you with ambition, excitement, and belief in yourself? Who sucks the excitement, desire, and self-confidence from your soul?

Other people influence your thoughts, actions, and feelings every day.

The closer your relationship is, the greater the influence.

Our lives are shaped by the people we surround ourselves with, more than the circumstances we find ourselves in.

Your choices about your health, career, hobbies, finances, and values are yours.

Yet, those choices are shaped by your mindset, and your mindset is shaped by your significant other, family, friends, co-workers, and others with whom you invest your time.

When you understand the power others have on you, and the power you have on others, you become more intentional about who you spend your time with, and how that time is spent.

The Power of Others to Influence Your Mood

Vanessa and I are focused, introverted individuals. According to Myers-Briggs, I’m an ISTJ. She’s an ISFJ.

When Vanessa concentrates on something, her countenance is similar to when she is angry, hurt, or frustrated.

My countenance while concentrating is the same as when I'm disappointed, disgusted, or irritated.

If countenance is a new word for you, it means "the look on one's face."

We’ve been married for 13 years and it’s still challenging for me to decipher which emotion she is feeling when she's hard at work.

Often, I assume. And you know what they say...when you assume it makes an (butt) out of you and me. More accurately, just me.

Can you relate to this? Do you have a spouse, family member, friend, or maybe your boss, who has “that look” that immediately changes your emotional state?

This isn’t to say it’s their fault. You can certainly make them aware of how their countenance affects you. Yet, it's still up to you to control your response.

I’ve learned to ask, even if I’m interrupting her flow. “Honey, are you just concentrating on something or are you bothered about something?” Most of the time she’s just concentrating.

Then I let go of the concern and move on with my day.

I'm also aware that the way Vanessa perceives me affects her.

I've become more conscious of my countenance. 

Just this morning, as I was concentrating on this article, Vanessa walked in our office.

I was in the zone and wanted to keep writing, but I knew how that might be perceived. I paused, smiled and even invited her to sit on my lap.

Don't get any ideas. It didn't go any further than that, but my taking the moment to invite her to have a seat, and her willingness to do so created a nice, private moment.

My mood was great after that. A lot better than it would have been if I would have kept writing.

It's easy to spend too much time with people who bring us down, and not enough time with those who lift our spirits.

Our neighbors Keith and Kristie are great examples. Whether we just pass them in the hall as we're walking our dogs, or we go out to dinner, in a moment, or an evening together, we always feel happier after seeing them.

Over the next few days, pay attention to how you feel around certain people. See if you can spend more time with the people who lift you up and less with the time that bring you down.

Remember that you have an influence on others, just as they have an influence on you.

The Power of Others to Influence Your Belief in Yourself

My mom hasn’t always agreed with my choices, but once I made a decision to do something, she's always supported me.

Like when I decided to sell knives instead of getting a "real job" in college. Or when I decided not to take the MCAT after graduation, and instead move to Sioux Falls to open a branch office with Cutco Cutlery. Or when I resigned from Cutco to become a personal trainer. Or when I resigned from Life Time to join Vanessa with our business.

Every time, her response was, "Are you sure?" Translation: I trust your decision, but it makes me nervous.

"Yes,

Who fills you with ambition, excitement, and belief in yourself? Who sucks the excitement, desire, and self-confidence from your soul?

Other people influence your thoughts, actions, and feelings every day.

The closer your relationship is, the greater the influence.

Our lives are shaped by the people we surround ourselves with, more than the circumstances we find ourselves in.

Your choices about your health, career, hobbies, finances, and values are yours.

Yet, those choices are shaped by your mindset, and your mindset is shaped by your significant other, family, friends, co-workers, and others with whom you invest your time.

When you understand the power others have on you, and the power you have on others, you become more intentional about who you spend your time with, and how that time is spent.

The Power of Others to Influence Your Mood

Vanessa and I are focused, introverted individuals. According to Myers-Briggs, I’m an ISTJ. She’s an ISFJ.

When Vanessa concentrates on something, her countenance is similar to when she is angry, hurt, or frustrated.

My countenance while concentrating is the same as when I'm disappointed, disgusted, or irritated.

If countenance is a new word for you, it means "the look on one's face."

We’ve been married for 13 years and it’s still challenging for me to decipher which emotion she is feeling when she's hard at work.

Often, I assume. And you know what they say...when you assume it makes an (butt) out of you and me. More accurately, just me.

Can you relate to this? Do you have a spouse, family member, friend, or maybe your boss, who has “that look” that immediately changes your emotional state?

This isn’t to say it’s their fault. You can certainly make them aware of how their countenance affects you. Yet, it's still up to you to control your response.

I’ve learned to ask, even if I’m interrupting her flow. “Honey, are you just concentrating on something or are you bothered about something?” Most of the time she’s just concentrating.

Then I let go of the concern and move on with my day.

I'm also aware that the way Vanessa perceives me affects her.

I've become more conscious of my countenance. 

Just this morning, as I was concentrating on this article, Vanessa walked in our office.

I was in the zone and wanted to keep writing, but I knew how that might be perceived. I paused, smiled and even invited her to sit on my lap.

Don't get any ideas. It didn't go any further than that, but my taking the moment to invite her to have a seat, and her willingness to do so created a nice, private moment.

My mood was great after that. A lot better than it would have been if I would have kept writing.

It's easy to spend too much time with people who bring us down, and not enough time with those who lift our spirits.

Our neighbors Keith and Kristie are great examples. Whether we just pass them in the hall as we're walking our dogs, or we go out to dinner, in a moment, or an evening together, we always feel happier after seeing them.

Over the next few days, pay attention to how you feel around certain people. See if you can spend more time with the people who lift you up and less with the time that bring you down.

Remember that you have an influence on others, just as they have an influence on you.

The Power of Others to Influence Your Belief in Yourself

My mom hasn’t always agreed with my choices, but once I made a decision to do something, she's always supported me.

Like when I decided to sell knives instead of getting a "real job" in college. Or when I decided not to take the MCAT after graduation, and instead move to Sioux Falls to open a branch office with Cutco Cutlery. Or when I resigned from Cutco to become a personal trainer. Or when I resigned from Life Time to join Vanessa with our business.

Every time, her response was, "Are you sure?" Translation: I trust your decision, but it makes me nervous.

"Yes,

I remember the days of preparing my meals on Sundays and Wednesdays, cooking in bulk, portioning out my protein, fat and carbs.

For most of my career, I carried an Igloo Cooler to work everyday. That cooler even came with me when I was dressed in business attire.

Most days I'd just bring chicken or beef and vegetables. Once in a while, I'd bring leftovers, like the beef tongue tacos Vanessa had made the night before.

This is a little bonus tip: Never, ever, under any circumstance, reheat beef tongue and bring it to a meeting. I did. The smell was disturbing. Each person who walked in the board room turned green. By then, the damage was done, so I quietly ate my meal. I never did that again. You shouldn't either. Steak is okay. Tongue, never!

I got into a pattern of doing all that food prep on a regular schedule. It didn't take a ton of time, and it probably saved a lot of money.

Now I work from home, with my gorgeous wife and business partner. The kitchen is right around the corner from our office.

And, we rarely cook.

We live downtown Minneapolis, where we can order from Bite Squad or Über Eats and have a good meal delivered in an hour or so. Or, we can walk a block or two and get an inexpensive meal from any of the dozens of restaurants nearby.

That got me thinking...

Back when I was training clients, one of the most common excuses I heard was that they couldn't stick to their nutrition guidelines because they ate out all the time.

Back then, I rarely ate out, so I couldn't see their point of view. Today, I can.

And I know that it's possible to eat well while on the road or out to eat.

In fact, I probably eat healthier by eating out than if I were cooking at home. Here's how:

Make a Decision Before You Get There

We waste a LOT of mental energy making decisions every day.

Even if the decisions aren't related to nutrition, they will use up a lot of the mental energy you rely on for willpower.

If you go through a busy day of making decisions, and then go out for dinner, your decision-making muscles will be fatigued. That makes it harder to choose wisely off the menu.

The fewer options you leave yourself at the restaurant, the easier it will be to eat well.

Personally, I have three rules before I even look at the menu.

No glutenNo dairyHigh in protein

Those three decisions eliminate many of the "options" on the menu. Fewer options means less mental energy.

In the rare circumstance that none of the menu items fit those three requirements, I'll have them modify a menu item. Most of the time, there are plenty of options to choose from, though.

The point is, if you have a few black and white guidelines in your mind before you open the menu, you won't fall into temptation as easily.

Fill Up on Protein and Vegetables

The easiest way to limit your starchy carb intake is to eat a lot of protein and vegetables first. I always make sure I get at least 8-10 ounces of protein.

Often, that means I have to ask for a double portion of protein.

Eating a large portion of protein with your meal will help you feel full faster, as well as help you to slow the rise in blood sugar your body experiences from the carbs you do eat. Of course, protein is critical for gaining or maintaining muscle as well.

And it's great for your metabolism.

If you don't believe me, spend an hour or two eating at a Brazilian Steak House. The meat sweats in the hours afterwards should be good evidence.

The vegetables help with adding fiber to fill you up as well. Fiber is great for your gut bacteria, and has dozens of other health benefits.

Hard Liquor On the Rocks

If you're going to drink, sip on gin, vodka, or tequila. You could also mix it with soda water (not tonic, as that is loaded with sugar).

If you're over the age of 24, you probably won't slam it, so you should end up drinking less.

There's no sugar like a lot of other alcoholic beverages,

I remember the days of preparing my meals on Sundays and Wednesdays, cooking in bulk, portioning out my protein, fat and carbs.
For most of my career, I carried an Igloo Cooler to work everyday. That cooler even came with me when I was dressed in business attire.
Most days I'd just bring chicken or beef and vegetables. Once in a while, I'd bring leftovers, like the beef tongue tacos Vanessa had made the night before.
This is a little bonus tip: Never, ever, under any circumstance, reheat beef tongue and bring it to a meeting. I did. The smell was disturbing. Each person who walked in the board room turned green. By then, the damage was done, so I quietly ate my meal. I never did that again. You shouldn't either. Steak is okay. Tongue, never!
I got into a pattern of doing all that food prep on a regular schedule. It didn't take a ton of time, and it probably saved a lot of money.
Now I work from home, with my gorgeous wife and business partner. The kitchen is right around the corner from our office.
And, we rarely cook.
We live downtown Minneapolis, where we can order from Bite Squad or Über Eats and have a good meal delivered in an hour or so. Or, we can walk a block or two and get an inexpensive meal from any of the dozens of restaurants nearby.
That got me thinking...
Back when I was training clients, one of the most common excuses I heard was that they couldn't stick to their nutrition guidelines because they ate out all the time.
Back then, I rarely ate out, so I couldn't see their point of view. Today, I can.
And I know that it's possible to eat well while on the road or out to eat.
In fact, I probably eat healthier by eating out than if I were cooking at home. Here's how:
Make a Decision Before You Get There
We waste a LOT of mental energy making decisions every day.
Even if the decisions aren't related to nutrition, they will use up a lot of the mental energy you rely on for willpower.
If you go through a busy day of making decisions, and then go out for dinner, your decision-making muscles will be fatigued. That makes it harder to choose wisely off the menu.
The fewer options you leave yourself at the restaurant, the easier it will be to eat well.
Personally, I have three rules before I even look at the menu.

* No gluten
* No dairy
* High in protein

Those three decisions eliminate many of the "options" on the menu. Fewer options means less mental energy.
In the rare circumstance that none of the menu items fit those three requirements, I'll have them modify a menu item. Most of the time, there are plenty of options to choose from, though.
The point is, if you have a few black and white guidelines in your mind before you open the menu, you won't fall into temptation as easily.
Fill Up on Protein and Vegetables
The easiest way to limit your starchy carb intake is to eat a lot of protein and vegetables first. I always make sure I get at least 8-10 ounces of protein.
Often, that means I have to ask for a double portion of protein.
Eating a large portion of protein with your meal will help you feel full faster, as well as help you to slow the rise in blood sugar your body experiences from the carbs you do eat. Of course, protein is critical for gaining or maintaining muscle as well.
And it's great for your metabolism.
If you don't believe me, spend an hour or two eating at a Brazilian Steak House. The meat sweats in the hours afterwards should be good evidence.

I remember the days of preparing my meals on Sundays and Wednesdays, cooking in bulk, portioning out my protein, fat and carbs.

For most of my career, I carried an Igloo Cooler to work everyday. That cooler even came with me when I was dressed in business attire.

Most days I'd just bring chicken or beef and vegetables. Once in a while, I'd bring leftovers, like the beef tongue tacos Vanessa had made the night before.

This is a little bonus tip: Never, ever, under any circumstance, reheat beef tongue and bring it to a meeting. I did. The smell was disturbing. Each person who walked in the board room turned green. By then, the damage was done, so I quietly ate my meal. I never did that again. You shouldn't either. Steak is okay. Tongue, never!

I got into a pattern of doing all that food prep on a regular schedule. It didn't take a ton of time, and it probably saved a lot of money.

Now I work from home, with my gorgeous wife and business partner. The kitchen is right around the corner from our office.

And, we rarely cook.

We live downtown Minneapolis, where we can order from Bite Squad or Über Eats and have a good meal delivered in an hour or so. Or, we can walk a block or two and get an inexpensive meal from any of the dozens of restaurants nearby.

That got me thinking...

Back when I was training clients, one of the most common excuses I heard was that they couldn't stick to their nutrition guidelines because they ate out all the time.

Back then, I rarely ate out, so I couldn't see their point of view. Today, I can.

And I know that it's possible to eat well while on the road or out to eat.

In fact, I probably eat healthier by eating out than if I were cooking at home. Here's how:

Make a Decision Before You Get There

We waste a LOT of mental energy making decisions every day.

Even if the decisions aren't related to nutrition, they will use up a lot of the mental energy you rely on for willpower.

If you go through a busy day of making decisions, and then go out for dinner, your decision-making muscles will be fatigued. That makes it harder to choose wisely off the menu.

The fewer options you leave yourself at the restaurant, the easier it will be to eat well.

Personally, I have three rules before I even look at the menu.

No glutenNo dairyHigh in protein

Those three decisions eliminate many of the "options" on the menu. Fewer options means less mental energy.

In the rare circumstance that none of the menu items fit those three requirements, I'll have them modify a menu item. Most of the time, there are plenty of options to choose from, though.

The point is, if you have a few black and white guidelines in your mind before you open the menu, you won't fall into temptation as easily.

Fill Up on Protein and Vegetables

The easiest way to limit your starchy carb intake is to eat a lot of protein and vegetables first. I always make sure I get at least 8-10 ounces of protein.

Often, that means I have to ask for a double portion of protein.

Eating a large portion of protein with your meal will help you feel full faster, as well as help you to slow the rise in blood sugar your body experiences from the carbs you do eat. Of course, protein is critical for gaining or maintaining muscle as well.

And it's great for your metabolism.

If you don't believe me, spend an hour or two eating at a Brazilian Steak House. The meat sweats in the hours afterwards should be good evidence.

The vegetables help with adding fiber to fill you up as well. Fiber is great for your gut bacteria, and has dozens of other health benefits.

Hard Liquor On the Rocks

If you're going to drink, sip on gin, vodka, or tequila. You could also mix it with soda water (not tonic, as that is loaded with sugar).

If you're over the age of 24, you probably won't slam it, so you should end up drinking less.

There's no sugar like a lot of other alcoholic beverages,

The desire to grow, to become a better version of ourselves, lives in almost all of us. According to Tony Robbins, it's one of the six human needs.

To grow, we have to learn new skills, work with others, and learn how to get out of our own ways.

Rarely does one stop growing because they've run out of skills to learn, or people to work with.

In almost every case, personal growth stalls when perseverance turns into paralysis.

We might still have the desire, but we stop doing the work.

I've found four common reasons people stop taking action toward their goals, and become paralyzed by personal development.

Dreaming Instead of Doing

In every self-help or self-development book, seminar, and course I've ever experienced, there is a point in time when I'm challenged to dream, create a vision, or start setting goals.

The longer I daydream, the longer my list becomes. The longer my list becomes, the more excited I get. It's euphoric.

At some point, I finish the book or the program, and I'm left with my list of goals. Then it's time to go to work.

The euphoria is over. Reality sets in.

This is where the process ends for many people.

Dreaming is exciting. It's easy. It requires nothing more than your imagination.

Doing the work is the hard part. Doing requires initiative. Sometimes the doing can even feel like drudgery.

When it's time to go to work, the excuses start filling the mind.

I don't know enough. I might try and fail. I'm actually too busy this week to get started, so I'll get started next week. I'm going to wait for a better time to get started. Maybe I should read another book or attend another program instead. I don't have enough support yet to get started.

Your mind is never more creative than when it creates excuses and reasons not to pursue your goals. 

Imagining your goals is easy. Taking initiative is difficult. And so, many people end up in perpetual cycles of dreaming, but never doing.

Every great success story involved far more doing than dreaming. 

Read Also: 5 Beliefs that Build Suckituptitude

Comparing Your Results Without Comparing Your Process

If you have a fixed mindset, and compare yourself to others, you see the obstacles you have that prevent you from achieving what you see others achieve. You'll come up with reasons why they have it easy and why you have it so hard.

If you have a growth mindset, and compare yourself to others, you see the opportunity you have to do something someone else has already done. You look for ways to learn from them and follow their lead.

If comparison is leading to complacency or paralysis, you might be seeing things from a fixed mindset.

Comparison can also lead to a distorted perspective.

You see only what someone else has accomplished, but are blind to seeing what they've done and overcome to get there. On the other hand, you know all the struggles you've faced yourself, so you feel like it's unfair that you're not experiencing the same success.

Comparison is the greatest thief of joy.

I love what Vanessa's coach and personal trainer says about comparison:

If you're going to compare yourself to someone else in one thing, you have to compare yourself to him or her in everything.Mark Schneider

If you're going to compare your results to someone else's, you have to compare everything...their experience to your experience, their background to your background, their motivations to your motivations, their purpose to your purpose, their work ethic to your work ethic.

You might look at others' bodies and compare them to yours, but then you have to compare the discipline they have in what they eat and when they exercise. And their genetics. And dozens of other variables.

You might look at others' successes in a corporate role, but then you have consider the hours they poured into their job late at night and on weekends, and compare it to the consistent effort you've put in.

The desire to grow, to become a better version of ourselves, lives in almost all of us. According to Tony Robbins, it's one of the six human needs.

To grow, we have to learn new skills, work with others, and learn how to get out of our own ways.

Rarely does one stop growing because they've run out of skills to learn, or people to work with.

In almost every case, personal growth stalls when perseverance turns into paralysis.

We might still have the desire, but we stop doing the work.

I've found four common reasons people stop taking action toward their goals, and become paralyzed by personal development.

Dreaming Instead of Doing

In every self-help or self-development book, seminar, and course I've ever experienced, there is a point in time when I'm challenged to dream, create a vision, or start setting goals.

The longer I daydream, the longer my list becomes. The longer my list becomes, the more excited I get. It's euphoric.

At some point, I finish the book or the program, and I'm left with my list of goals. Then it's time to go to work.

The euphoria is over. Reality sets in.

This is where the process ends for many people.

Dreaming is exciting. It's easy. It requires nothing more than your imagination.

Doing the work is the hard part. Doing requires initiative. Sometimes the doing can even feel like drudgery.

When it's time to go to work, the excuses start filling the mind.

I don't know enough. I might try and fail. I'm actually too busy this week to get started, so I'll get started next week. I'm going to wait for a better time to get started. Maybe I should read another book or attend another program instead. I don't have enough support yet to get started.

Your mind is never more creative than when it creates excuses and reasons not to pursue your goals. 

Imagining your goals is easy. Taking initiative is difficult. And so, many people end up in perpetual cycles of dreaming, but never doing.

Every great success story involved far more doing than dreaming. 

Read Also: 5 Beliefs that Build Suckituptitude

Comparing Your Results Without Comparing Your Process

If you have a fixed mindset, and compare yourself to others, you see the obstacles you have that prevent you from achieving what you see others achieve. You'll come up with reasons why they have it easy and why you have it so hard.

If you have a growth mindset, and compare yourself to others, you see the opportunity you have to do something someone else has already done. You look for ways to learn from them and follow their lead.

If comparison is leading to complacency or paralysis, you might be seeing things from a fixed mindset.

Comparison can also lead to a distorted perspective.

You see only what someone else has accomplished, but are blind to seeing what they've done and overcome to get there. On the other hand, you know all the struggles you've faced yourself, so you feel like it's unfair that you're not experiencing the same success.

Comparison is the greatest thief of joy.

I love what Vanessa's coach and personal trainer says about comparison:

If you're going to compare yourself to someone else in one thing, you have to compare yourself to him or her in everything.Mark Schneider

If you're going to compare your results to someone else's, you have to compare everything...their experience to your experience, their background to your background, their motivations to your motivations, their purpose to your purpose, their work ethic to your work ethic.

You might look at others' bodies and compare them to yours, but then you have to compare the discipline they have in what they eat and when they exercise. And their genetics. And dozens of other variables.

You might look at others' successes in a corporate role, but then you have consider the hours they poured into their job late at night and on weekends, and compare it to the consistent effort you've put in.

Marital abuse occurs on a sliding scale. What I share below is not to minimize the situations someone may be facing such as physical abuse or emotional abuse. 

I'm sharing what I learned in hopes that it helps some husbands and wives understand the impact they have on their partners, even when they would never describe their actions as "abusive." 

Vanessa and I are honest, caring, sincere, devoted partners. We love each other more today than the day we got married.

Like other couples, even in the best marriages, we argue and fight now and then. Each of us can be stubborn, and convinced the way we see things is the right way.

As a result, a minor disagreement, or difficulty seeing the other's point of view, can lead a "discussion" into a downward spiral.

Partners in marriage. Partners in business.

February of 2015 was a big turning point in our lives.

Vanessa was earning more in her Young Living business, than I was as a Senior Director at Life Time Fitness. We saw this as the perfect opportunity to do what we'd always wanted to do: work together in a health and fitness business we could call our own.

I resigned from Life Time. We became business partners.

Vanessa is the CEO, I'm the COO of Healthy Living How To.

We commute from the bedroom to our home office, with a stop along the way to fill up our coffee cups.

Spending all day, everyday together, and trying to agree on decisions about the business, we ran into some challenges.

When you disagree with people at work, you go home and forget about it. You talk about it with your spouse, and then the next day, you go back to work with your mind clear.

Or if you get in an argument with your spouse at home, you go to work, and it can give you time to let your emotions settle down. When you get home, you can have a civil conversation.

When you live and work with the same person, that doesn't happen.

I saw that I had a lot to do with our arguments.

I'm a big believer in taking responsibility for anything and everything going on in your life. No VKTM virus here. So I started reading.

Unfortunately, I didn't read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus until we'd been working together for a year and a half.

After reading it, I believe that Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus should be a college requisite class. 

I did read a lot of marriage books throughout this period, though. I felt like many of the books were written just for me.

It was as though the authors were using their words to hit me between the eyes.

What is marital abuse?

One of the books that's had a lasting impact on me is Love Busters by Willard F. Harley.

According to Harley,

Marital abuse is a deliberate effort of one spouse to cause the other to be unhappy.

Yikes! That is a scary definition.

I'll come back to some personal examples in a moment.

Harley explains that we have two parts to our personality, as it relates to relationships:

The Giver: The part of someone's personality that is concerned only about the happiness of others.The Taker: The part of someone's personality that is concerned only about his or her own happiness.

The Giver does things for others to make them happy, even if it leaves himself or herself unhappy. The Taker does things for himself or herself, even it it leaves others unhappy.

If someone feels as though they're always giving and never getting, that's the Taker speaking.

The Taker justifies bad behavior. In an argument, the Taker prevents you from seeing the other person's perspective. To the Taker, his or her perspective doesn't matter. That Taker is only interested in his or her happiness, nobody else's.

In positive, happy, intimate relationships, both spouses see things through the Giver's eyes. They both give to each other, and they enjoy doing so because their individual needs are met by the other.

In a thriving relationship, the voice of the Giver is loud: "Do whatever you can to ...