Purchase Daniels Book -  Hard Feelings: Finding the Wisdom in Our Darkest Emotions

In this episode of Top Self, Shanenn sits down with psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Daniel Smith to explore a question most of us never stop to ask:

What if the emotions you're trying hardest to get rid of are actually trying to help you?

Whether it's jealousy, shame, envy, regret, or anxiety, many of us spend our lives chasing relief—seeking reassurance, distracting ourselves, or trying to think our way out of uncomfortable feelings. But according to Daniel, our darkest emotions aren't problems to eliminate. They're messengers carrying important information about who we are, what we fear, and what needs our attention.

Together, Shanenn and Daniel talk about why self-criticism often causes more damage than the original emotion, how shame keeps us trapped in painful cycles, and why curiosity may be one of the most powerful tools for healing.

If you've ever wondered why you keep having the same emotional reactions despite knowing "better," this conversation is for you.

Golden Episode Nuggets:

💎 Emotions are messengers, not enemies

💎 The feeling itself is rarely the problem—our resistance to it often is

💎 Shame says "there's something wrong with me," not simply "I did something wrong"

💎 Self-hatred is not an effective strategy for personal growth

💎 Curiosity creates space where judgment creates suffering

💎 Understanding yourself is often more powerful than trying to fix yourself

💎 The goal isn't to never feel difficult emotions again—it's to relate to them differently

About Our Guest:

Daniel Smith is a psychotherapist, journalist, and New York Times bestselling author of Monkey Mind. His latest book, Hard Feelings: Finding the Wisdom in Our Darkest Emotions, explores emotions such as shame, envy, regret, despair, and annoyance—revealing how these often-misunderstood feelings can become powerful sources of self-understanding and growth.

Through personal stories, psychological insight, and cultural exploration, Daniel challenges the idea that difficult emotions should simply be eliminated and instead invites us to learn from them.

Resources Mentioned:

Hard Feelings: Finding the Wisdom in Our Darkest Emotions by Daniel Smith

Monkey Mind by Daniel Smith

The Buddhist Parable of the Second Arrow

Quote of the Episode:

"Emotions don't come because they're trying to attack us. Emotions come because they have meaning and because they have purpose." – Daniel Smith

Key Moments:

• 2:00 – Why our desperate search for emotional relief often backfires

• 5:00 – The Buddhist "Second Arrow" and how we create unnecessary suffering

• 9:00 – Why understanding the "why" behind your feelings isn't always enough

• 12:00 – The difference between shame and guilt

• 16:00 – How curiosity can reduce emotional suffering

• 21:00 – Why talking about shame weakens its grip

• 24:00 – The hidden ways regret helps us avoid the present

• 33:00 – Why shame may be the most painful emotion of all

• 38:00 – How childhood experiences shape our emotional patterns as adults

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Disclaimer
The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

You messed up. You spiraled. You said something you wish you could take back. And now you feel terrible — which actually means you're doing something right. Feeling bad after a jealous episode is healthy. It means you care.

But there's a difference between feeling bad and living there. And if you're someone who stays in the spiral for hours, days, or even weeks after a jealous episode — replaying it, shutting down, telling yourself you're broken and unlovable — this episode is for you.

Because here's what that extended spiral is actually costing you. It's not just making you miserable. It's reinforcing the belief that jealousy is who you are. It's keeping the incident alive in your relationship long after it should be over. And it's exhausting your partner in ways you might not even realize.

Today Shanenn introduces the Pity Timer — a simple, deliberate tool for feeling your feelings fully without letting them swallow the next three days of your life. This isn't about stuffing it down or pretending it didn't happen. It's about giving your guilt its time, and then making a choice to move forward.
In this episode:

Why staying in the spiral actually reinforces jealous behavior
What your partner experiences when you're still "off" days later
Why moving on fast doesn't mean you don't care
How to use the Pity Timer to actually close the loop
What to do when the spiral tries to come back

00:00 Stop Letting the Spiral Run Your Life
02:14 How the Spiral Builds a Case Against You
05:19 How Your Guilt Is Hurting Your Partner
08:01 Why You Can't Just Stop Feeling Bad
10:29 How to Use the Pity Timer
13:02 What to Do During the Window
14:37 When the Timer Goes Off

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Disclaimer
The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

You knew you were wrong the second he flipped that phone around. Nothing suspicious. Just a bacon recipe.
And somehow you were still annoyed at him.
That feeling has a name — and once you understand it, you can’t unsee it.
You’ve done the spiral. You built the whole case in your head. And then the truth came out and it was… a bacon recipe. You know you were wrong. They know you were wrong. And somehow you’re still a little irritated at them.
This episode is about that moment — the one most people blow right past. Shanenn breaks down the shame-anger switch, why relief doesn’t always show up when it should, and how to actually recover without making it worse.

Golden Episode Nuggets:
💎 Your jealous brain doesn’t file ambiguity as neutral — it skips straight to the most threatening interpretation
💎 Relief doesn’t always show up when you’re proven wrong — sometimes you get a stomach drop instead
💎 Guilt says “I did something bad.” Shame says “I am bad.” Those lead to very different places.
💎 That flicker of anger toward your innocent partner? It’s shame looking for an exit — not really about them at all
💎 A real apology doesn’t need a “because” attached to it
Resources Mentioned:
30 Days to Different — Shanenn’s program for breaking jealousy and insecurity patterns

Schedule your FREE Discovery Call to see how I can help.

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Disclaimer
The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

You’re Already Living the Worst Case Scenario

What if the thing you’re most afraid of happening would actually hurt less than what you’re putting yourself through right now? It sounds hard to believe—but there’s real research behind it.

 In this solo episode, Shanenn digs into why the jealous spiral itself is the worst-case scenario—not the thing you’re afraid of. You’re not waiting for the bad thing to happen. You’re already in it.

 From Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert’s Impact Bias to the neuroscience of naming your fear, this episode is packed with science-backed insight and a simple 3-step tool (the Fog Lift) to help you stop the loop.

Golden Episode Nuggets:

💎    You’re not waiting for the bad thing to happen. You are already in it.

💎    Vague fear gives you all the pain and none of the tools your brain would normally use to deal with it.

💎    The psychological immune system only activates for real events—the spiral has no off-ramp.

💎    Naming your specific fear literally shifts brain activity from reactive to regulated.

💎    The spiral has no arc, no end. It takes exactly as much as you give it.

💎    It’s all the cost and none of the outcome.

Resources Mentioned:

·       Matthew Lieberman’s UCLA research – “Name it to tame it” (affect labeling and the amygdala)

·       Dan Siegel – Clinical professor at UCLA, coined “name it to tame it”

·       Top Self on YouTube – Subscribe and watch the show there

Quote of the Episode:

“You’re not waiting for the bad thing to happen. You are already in it.” – Shanenn Bryant

Leave a Review:

📝 Have you ever realized the spiral was costing you more than the thing you were afraid of? Leave a review and tell us - what’s one thing that shifted for you after listening?

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Disclaimer
The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

You know that voice in your head—the one that takes a missed text or a sideways glance and turns it into a full-blown crisis? That's your What If Machine, and it's been running the show for way too long. In this episode, Shanenn breaks down why your brain defaults to worst-case scenarios, where those fear stories actually come from (spoiler: it's usually not your current partner), and how those protective instincts end up creating the exact outcome you're terrified of.

She also walks you through a 5-step Evidence Check framework you can use the next time your brain tries to convince you that everything is falling apart—so you can figure out if you're dealing with a real red flag or just old fear wearing a new outfit.

Golden Nuggets:

💡 Your brain's What If Machine isn't trying to ruin your relationship—it's running a protection program written long before this relationship existed. 💡 Vague fear is the most powerful kind. Once you name it, it gets smaller. 💡 In the absence of clear evidence, you're choosing an explanation—and if you consistently choose the scariest one, that's not logic, that's fear driving. 💡 Preparing for the worst doesn't protect you from the pain. It just means you experience the loss twice. 💡 Sometimes the What If Machine isn't protecting you from your partner—it's protecting you from hope.

Resources Mentioned:

• Episode 8 – Ashley Greer: Is This My Fear or Intuition?
• The Power of ONE (Open to New Evidence/Explanations)
• The 5-Step Evidence Check Framework

Quote of the Episode:

"Sometimes the scariest thing isn't the relationship falling apart. Sometimes the scariest thing is letting yourself fully trust it, fully relax into it, fully believe you're loved." — Shanenn Bryant

Perfect for listeners who:

• Wake up spiraling for no reason and can't turn it off
• Know their jealousy is irrational but can't stop the loop
• Have pushed a partner away with checking, testing, or accusations
• Want a practical tool to use in the moment (not just "calm down")
• Are trying to figure out if their fear is instinct or old wounds talking

If this episode hit home, share it with someone who needs to hear it. And leave a review and let us know—what's one what if that's been running your relationship that you're ready to question?

Schedule your FREE Discovery Call to see how I can help.

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Disclaimer
The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

We're on YouTube - Join us there.

In this episode of Top Self, Shanenn explores one of the most confusing and isolating experiences for anyone who struggles with jealousy: watching a secure person stay completely calm in a situation that would send you into a spiral.

Starting with a vivid poolside story that will feel painfully relatable, Shanenn breaks down why secure people aren’t blind to what’s happening around them—they just don’t assign the same meaning to it. She explains how your brain builds stories based on its existing “library” of past experiences, fears, and beliefs about yourself, and why that library is the real difference between jealousy and security.

Plus, she introduces a powerful new tool—the Meaning Audit—three simple questions you can use to interrupt the spiral and start thinking like the secure person you’re becoming.

Golden Episode Nuggets:

💎  Secure people see the same things you do—they just don’t assign the same meaning to them

💎  Your brain is a meaning-making machine and it pulls from your existing library of fears, wounds, and beliefs

💎  True security comes from trusting yourself to handle whatever comes, not from guaranteeing your partner will never hurt you

💎  The spiral isn’t about the photo or the party, it’s about the fear underneath

💎  Security isn’t a personality trait.  It’s a skill, and it’s learnable

Quote of the Episode:

“Your jealousy is not the enemy. It’s been trying to protect you from the things that scared you the most. But at some point, that protection has become a prison. And you deserve to be free.” – Shanenn Bryant

📝 Leave a review and let us know—what’s one meaning you’ve caught yourself assigning that turned out to be wrong?

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Disclaimer
The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

Enroll Today for 30 Days to Different

Does your relationship feel… quieter lately?
 The butterflies are gone. The texts are shorter. Affection feels different. And now your brain is spiraling:

Did they lose interest?
Is this my fault?
Is the spark gone?

In this episode of Top Self, Shanenn breaks down what’s actually happening when the intensity fades in a long-term relationship — especially if you struggle with jealousy, insecurity, or fear of abandonment.

You’ll learn why early love feels intoxicating, why that high is biologically designed to fade, and why the loss of “spark” doesn’t mean loss of love. For many anxious or jealous partners, this phase is when insecurity spikes — not because the relationship is failing, but because the nervous system is finally no longer distracted.

This episode will help you stop catastrophizing calm, understand your attachment system, and learn how to build security without needing constant reassurance.

Key Moments

• 1:00 – The questions everyone asks when the spark fades
• 2:20 – Why early love feels addictive (and why it can’t last)
• 7:00 – The shift from dopamine to oxytocin explained simply
• 10:00 – Why calm love can trigger anxiety and jealousy
• 13:30 – How hypervigilance replaces excitement
• 17:50 – Why jealousy often peaks after commitment
• 22:00 – When “boring” is actually emotional safety
• 25:00 – Why leaving too soon repeats the same cycle
• 27:20 – Stop chasing the spark — start building inner security

Golden Episode Nuggets

💎 The spark fading is a biological transition, not a red flag
💎 Early love distracts you from insecurity — it doesn’t heal it
💎 Calm can feel unsafe if your nervous system learned love through chaos
💎 Jealousy often increases when things stabilize
💎 You don’t need more reassurance — you need more internal safety

Resources Mentioned

• 30 Days to Different – Learn how to regulate your nervous system, rebuild emotional safety, and stop spiraling in your relationship
 

Schedule your FREE Discovery Call to see how I can help.

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Disclaimer
The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

🦋. 30 Days to Different is starting soon - ENROLL TODAY

Insecurity doesn’t always scream. Sometimes, it whispers lies that keep us stuck.

In this solo episode, Shanenn unpacks the three most convincing lies insecurity tells you—and why they feel so real even when they’re not. Whether it’s the urge to check their phone, overanalyze tone, or control every detail in your relationship… this episode will help you finally understand what’s really driving that behavior and how to stop reacting from fear.

This one is for the insecure person who’s exhausted from bracing for betrayal and ready to come home to herself.

🧠 WHAT YOU'LL LEARN:

✔️ Why “staying alert” doesn’t actually protect you
 ✔️ How strong emotions can lie to you
 ✔️ Why control is a false sense of peace
 ✔️ The one mindset shift that rewires your inner safety
 ✔️ How to respond to triggers without spiraling

🔥 GOLDEN EPISODE NUGGETS:

💎 You can’t out-alert life—but you can trust that you’ll handle what comes
💎 Feeling something intensely doesn’t make it true
💎 Control doesn’t create safety—it creates stress
💎 Trust is built by showing yourself you can survive discomfort
💎 You’ve handled hard things before. You can handle this too

⏰ TIMESTAMPS:

[00:00] A PB&J story that shows how deep-rooted patterns shape us
[05:45] Why insecurity feels like your identity
[07:37] Lie #1: “If I don’t stay alert, I’ll get hurt”
[13:21] Why hypervigilance robs you of peace
[18:23] Lie #2: “If I feel this strongly, it must be true”
[24:59] How emotional urgency leads to overreaction
[31:16] Lie #3: “If I control more, I’ll finally feel secure”
[36:30] The truth: You don’t need more control—you need more trust
[39:04] Final reframe to anchor self-trust

🧭 RESOURCES & LINKS:

🎯 30 Days to Different – Registration Now Open!
Ready to stop spiraling and start self-trusting? Join Shanenn’s daily support container to process emotions without the panic.
→ JOIN NOW

📝 LEAVE A REVIEW:

If this episode gave you a truthbomb or breakthrough, would you leave a review? It helps other women find these tools too.

💬 What’s a lie insecurity has told you? Drop it in your review or DM Shanenn on Instagram @topselfco

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Disclaimer
The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

If you’ve ever felt stuck in a mental loop, replaying conversations, spiraling into insecurity, or feeling something is wrong but you can’t quite name it—this episode is for you.

In this episode of Top Self, Shanenn sits down with Annette Furio, founder of Season Journals, to talk about how journaling can help you slow down, make sense of your thoughts, and create space between what you feel and how you react.

f your brain feels loud or stuck, this episode is about giving those thoughts somewhere to go so you can think more clearly.

Together, Shanenn and Annette break down why your brain gets stuck on repeat, how journaling helps close mental loops, and how even five minutes can shift your clarity, emotional regulation, and self-awareness.

Golden Episode Nuggets

💎 Your brain keeps looping because thoughts feel unfinished
 💎 Writing forces your mind to slow down and complete thoughts
 💎 Journaling creates space between emotion and reaction
 💎 You don’t need consistency—you need permission to start
 💎 Gratitude journaling is one of the fastest ways to shift your mindset

Key Moments

· 2:00 – Why unfinished thoughts keep looping in your mind
· 4:00 – How writing slows your brain and creates emotional space
· 6:30 – Why journaling doesn’t have to be daily to work
· 9:30 – How journaling helps you spot patterns in jealousy and insecurity
· 12:00 – Looking back at old entries to see growth (or stuck points)
· 20:45 – The easiest way to journal when you only have five minutes
· 24:00 – Why journaling should never feel like another chore

About Our Guest

Annette Furio is the founder of Season Journals, a brand focused on helping people strengthen their relationship with themselves and others through intentional journaling. Since launching in 2020, Annette has created guided journals for major life seasons—including engagement, marriage, pregnancy, and everyday wellbeing.

Her journals are designed to be both keepsakes and tools, helping people document their lives while also working through challenges with clarity and intention.

Resources Mentioned

Season Journals – Guided Journals for Life’s Seasons
 Available at seasonjournals.com and on Amazon

Quote of the Episode

“Journaling puts space between what you feel and how you respond.” – Annette Furio

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Disclaimer
The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

In this episode of Top Self, Shanenn breaks down a question so many people quietly struggle with—especially this time of year:

Why do I feel calm and trusting with my partner sometimes… and anxious, suspicious, or insecure with them at other times—when nothing has actually changed?

As the holidays approach and routines shift, old patterns can resurface. Shanenn explains why these emotional swings don’t mean you’re inconsistent, broken, or ignoring red flags. Instead, they’re signals from your nervous system responding to changing conditions—not changing relationship facts.

This episode offers a powerful reframe that removes shame, self-blame, and overthinking—and replaces them with clarity, self-trust, and nervous-system awareness so you can stop turning emotions into verdicts about your relationship.

Key Moments:

• 1:45 – Why the holidays can make anxiety spike even in “good” relationships
• 3:50 – The core truth: calm and anxiety come from your nervous system, not your partner
• 6:40 – Why feeling calm doesn’t mean you’re “healed” or fixed
• 9:00 – What’s really happening when you start scanning, spiraling, or overthinking
• 11:30 – Why emotions are signals of state—not proof of truth
• 13:45 – The shift that helps anxiety soften without controlling your environment

Golden Episode Nuggets:

💎 Calm and anxiety can exist in the same relationship without either one being “the truth”

💎 You didn’t lose trust—you lost nervous system capacity

💎 Emotional states are signals, not verdicts about your relationship

💎 Feeling anxious doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or your partner

💎 Regulation comes from working with your nervous system, not fighting it

Quote of the Episode:

Schedule your FREE Discovery Call to see how I can help.

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Disclaimer
The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.