TortureVision Television

In matters of equality, public opinion in the 1980's was open-minded enough to give us a female superhero movie, but unfortunately our heroine was forced to act like an empty-headed bimbo. Actress Helen Slater plays Supergirl, the cousin of Superman, who comes to earth and battles a witch for the most important thing in the universe... the love of a handsome man. It's an action-less extravaganza that both bores audiences and stifles feminism!

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Joel Schumacher certainly deserved all the harsh criticism he received after his gross mishandling of the Batman franchise. Both of his Batman movies were overly colorful, campy, kid-friendly piles of crap. It should be noted, however, that Schumacher didn't exactly inherit a flawless property. When viewed through modern perspectives, pushing all nostalgia aside, Tim Burton's Batman Returns is undeniably quite silly and embarrassing.

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

Violently struck by lightning, saxophone sensation Johnny Domino acquires the psychic ability to “tune into the frequency of evil.” This means he can receive audio and visual transmissions of criminal activities.  If you think that sounds ridiculous, just wait until you heard the story behind his crime-fighting super-suit!

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

When comic books are adapted into live-action adventures, the audience often prefers a certain amount of realism be inserted into the situation- even if it doesn't necessary exist in the source material itself. Too much realism can kill off all the fun, however, just like it did in the 1970's Spider-Man television show. In this horribly boring production, Spider-Man has no comedic wit, no charismatic qualities, and most importantly... no super-villains for enemies! For this podcast we watched the second season premiere, The Captive Tower, where terrorists seized a high-rise full of civilians, but failed to capture our interests. 

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!!

“Nathaniel Demerest”, the evil djinn, is once again released from gemstone quarantine- and this time his plans for world domination are completely different! Nathaniel worms his way inside a maximum security prison where he proceeds to trade wishes to hapless inmates in exchange for their souls. Upon collecting 1000 souls, Nathaniel aims to trigger the apocalypse- and only Morgana, a professional art thief, and Gregory, an uptight priest, have the strength (through Christ) to stop him. 

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

“Nathaniel Demerest” is a djinn, or evil genie, who deviously uses semantics to turn peoples deepest wishes into deadly nightmares. When Alexandra, an auctioneer-slash-gym coach, unwittingly releases Nathaniel from his gemstone prison, she finds herself the target of his grievous generosity. Armed with a sharp mind, and a shitload of textbook research, Alexandra matches wits with Nathaniel in an effort to save herself (and the entire world). 

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

A TortureVision Holiday Special: 

William Halleck is an obese lawyer who accidentally runs over a gypsy woman with his car. Calling upon friends in high places, William manages to walk away from the incident Scot-free, angering the gypsy clan. Seeking revenge, the gypsy leader curses William and his friends, forcing them to suffer for what they've done. William, now afflicted with rapid weight loss, struggles to free himself of the curse before he wastes away to nothing. We gorged on this fatty Stephen King feast with our father in celebration of Father's Day.

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION 

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Hollywood has introduced us to some really stupid characters throughout the years, but Jim Halsey might just be the worst of the bunch. While traveling out of state one day, Jim picks up a murderous hitchhiker- and Jim's piss-poor decision making skills enable these two adversaries to stick together for 97 long, insufferable minutes.

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

Jack Nicholson plays Will Randall, the chief editor of a prestigious publishing company. His job is very strenuous, being an environment full of high-stakes drama and politics. Oh, and Will's also a werewolf... but that aspect of his life is more-or-less treated like an unimportant side-story. 

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

Peter Cushing was born on May 26, 1913, Vincent Price was born on May 27th, 1911, and Christopher Lee was born on May 27th, 1922. In celebration of these classic horror movie legends, we watched one of only two features in which they all appeared together, Scream and Scream Again (1970). If the plot made any sense, we'd be able to summarize it for you, but unfortunately that's not an option.

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!