TortureVision Television

As the world succumbs to a zombie outbreak, four survivalists take refuge inside an abandoned shopping mall. They live in relative luxury, dining on wine and Spam like kings, until a roaming gang of bikers invade their peaceful kingdom. This movie is guaranteed to get your blood pressure rising and make you hungry for whipped-cream pie.

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

Betty's an irrational woman who treats her husband badly, so he ultimately files for divorce. Feeling spurned by the split, Betty makes it her full-time job to stalk and harass her ex-husband (as well as his new love interest). Unfortunately, this game of bitch-and-mouse ends in tragedy- a classic trademark of your average Lifetime movies. We watched this trashy biopic (“based on a true story”) with our mother in celebration of Mother's Day... because dear old mom enjoys this kind of dismal stuff.

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

Here at TortureVision, the manner in which we rate media is fairly simple. We reserve the “Good” rating for features that were better than expected. We deem “Bad” features as awful, yet still enjoyable productions. Lastly, we disregard painfully miserable features as “Abortions.” When devising this system we had no clue we'd ever encounter suffering worse than the latter- but two horrendous films took us by complete surprise... David Cronenberg's Crash (1996) and Jamie Blanks' Valentine (2001). If you consider watching subpar media to be tantamount to torture, then you should think of these two features as Fatal Footage! In this episode we discuss Crash and Valentine, as well as share some behind-the-scenes thoughts and address a few frequently asked questions. 

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

The TV show ALF was a cheerful little sitcom about a short, furry alien who secretly lived with the Tanner family. The troublesome, yet humorous, circumstances that arose every episode were usually resolved in full by the time the end credits rolled. In the final episode, however, the series took an unexpectedly dark turn. Our titular character was captured by the United States Government, presumably to be killed and dissected. One thing's for sure... the Tanners never saw their beloved alien friend again!

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features

were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were

utter torment to sit through.

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

Official Movie Poster

Spoiler Alert: Soylent Green is made of people! Soylent Industries is grinding up the corpses of our neighbors and loved ones and feeding them to us in green, food-cube form! Having said all that, the whole ordeal still seems more ethical and respectable than the shenanigans you hear about from Monsanto. 

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

Uncle Arthur is a sad little man who's mentally confused. He's simultaneously suffering through divorce and midlife crisis... or at least that's his pathetic excuse for why he made unwanted sexual advances toward his young niece, Mallory Keaton. Okay, so “Uncle Arthur” isn't actually related by blood to the Keaton family, but by accepting their friendly moniker of “uncle” he should probably find his prey (I mean “dates”) from some other household. 

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION 

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

The beaches of Los Angeles might look appealing in the sunlight, but after sunset they contain more rapists than sand-grains! These sexual deviants are so horny, they'll attack any female within sight... even if she's part fish! Thankfully, famed lifeguard Mitch Buchannon moonlights as a freelance detective, solving crimes in the late-night hours, thus safeguarding the beaches for us all (normal or otherwise).

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

In a world where no one has any concept of “the rapture”, those left behind in its wake are completely dumbfounded when much of the world's population simply disappears. Kirk Cameron plays the part of Buck Williams, a perfectly nice and friendly guy who fails to get raptured. Buck quickly accompanies a good-natured pilot and a neighborly priest, also characters shunned by the Lord. Just how strict were God's requirements to get into Heaven, anyway? Together, these three charming companions strive to live a proper Christian lifestyle while simultaneously defeating the newly risen Anti-Christ.

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

When a rural town is overtaken by tiny mutant slugs, both the Sheriff and the Mayor refuse to acknowledge their existence... despite the influx of numerous strange and unexplained deaths. Only Mike Brady, a local health inspector, and Don Palmer, a local sanitation worker, are willing to face the mutant menace head-on. One can only wonder, in the sad aftermath of this film, how much better things would have been if some proper authorities had taken charge instead.

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

We decided to celebrate St. Patrick's Day by watching Jennifer Aniston's career-defining achievement, the 1993 horror movie masterpiece, Leprechaun. Joining us on this momentous podcast is a very special guest, the world-famous Indian mime, "Adi"! (Please excuse our appalling lack of geographical knowledge. At one point we stupidly mistake Ireland for Scotland, which are of course two completely different locations.)

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!