TortureVision Television

An eccentric millionaire offers a huge sum of money to some highly unlikable characters if they all agree to spend the night locked inside a haunted mansion. What follows is a long, ghost-free night of pointless, boring, booze-fueled babbling... and no, I'm not referring to our podcast.

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through. 

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The Dukes of Hazzard isn't exactly highbrow entertainment, but the scripts should still be somewhat intelligent, right? If this show once had any dignity, it jumped inside an alien spacecraft and flew far, far away in this outlandish episode, Strange Visitor to Hazzard.

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through. 

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

All hell breaks loose in the Owens residence when young Wesley tells his family that his best friend Dennis has AIDS. Fear and paranoia reign supreme, thanks to an appalling lack of education on the subject. Even the wise old Mr. Belvedere is clueless to the facts of the matter. Watch as reason and logic step aside for bad sitcom humor and mass hysteria in this “very special” episode, Wesley's Friend.

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through. 

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

Young Arnold and his best friend Dudley love riding bikes. Unfortunately, the owner of their local bike shop loves riding young boys! Squirm in discomfort as you watch a dumpy, disgusting sexual predator invade an otherwise innocent sitcom in this “very special” storyline, The Bicycle Man. 

TortureVision Rating: GOOD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through. 

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

God has washed His hands of Heaven and earth, and in His absence, His angels have splintered into two distinct factions- those who cherish peace like Eric Stoltz, and those who crave combat like Christopher Walken. This supernatural civil war can only be won by the side that possesses the corrupted soul of a racist old military general. Unfortunately, said soul resides within the body of a young Indian girl. Naturally, a grade-school teacher and a priest-turned-cop must join forces to see that the girl is properly exorcised. Wait...what?

TortureVision Rating: GOOD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through. 

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

Sylvester Stallone is Lincoln Hawk, a cross-country truck driver who abandoned his family for no discernible reason. One day, when Hawk receives word that his estranged wife is dying, he nobly decides to give fatherhood a second shot, lest his son become an orphan. Together, Hawk and son build a unique relationship upon a strong foundation of cholesterol-free dinner-dates and over the top arm-wrestling.

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through. 

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!

It's the year 2000. America has fallen. The once great nation is now ruled by a cruel and twisted new government. Its citizens, oppressed and uneducated, are actively coaxed by the media to revel in a violent annual bloodsport known simply as the Death Race. Actors Sylvester Stallone and David Carradine--dear friends of mine--star in this trashy film that's one part gladiatorial brutality, and one part NASCAR stupidity.   

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.