TortureVision Television

Professor Jonathan Chase has the amazing (and completely mysterious) ability to transform into any kind of animal he wants... though for the most part he usually just chooses to be a panther. He uses this unique power to fight crime, and violate the privacy of unsuspecting women. We watched this mighty morphing panther pervert's very first adventure, the self-titled pilot episode, Manimal.

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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The dwarves delved too greedily and too deep. You know what they awoke in the darkness of Khazad-dum... shadow and flame. Wait. I'm sorry. That's the wrong movie. The humans were the ones digging in this film, and they released a plague of fire-breathing dragons upon the world. Now, the whole of Azeroth will break, and all will burn beneath the shadow of their wings. Damn it, I got sidetracked again! This isn't Lord of the Rings, or World of Warcraft... this is Reign of Fire!

TortureVision Rating: GOOD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Went down to China, got addicted to speed. Who cares? When the pills became a habit, I nearly OD'ed. No one glared. 'Cause sometimes cravings get out of control and no ones spared. All the drugs went down below- through my guts and into my soul... gonna need the best rehab that we can get. According to the sober bible, life is more than meth revival... and we just might live the clean life yet. 

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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New York City is crawling with various street gangs, all hostile to one another, but Cyrus, the charismatic leader of the Gramercy Riffs, wants to set aside all differences and create one gigantic mega-gang. Once united, Cyrus hopes to wage war against the local authorities and claim the city as his own. His glorious plans of conquest are foiled, however, when he's shot to death at a gang-land rally. The murder is unjustly attributed to the Warriors, a Coney Island gang, and thus marks them all for death. 90% of this movie is watching the Warriors “bravely” flee from danger. 

Film Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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At the age of 17, Abigail Foster slips into an unexpected coma. 20 years later, she awakens to a “futuristic” world where nothing is the same. It's 1984. NASA has launched the last of America's deep space probes, her sister has married her boyfriend, and malt-shops have turned into 8-bit arcades. Cosmic forces beyond all comprehension have brought us this little gem of a made-for-TV-movie, Between the Darkness and the Dawn. 

(We only wish it starred Erin Gray and Gil Gerard)

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Maude Findlay's a strong, mature, 47-year-old woman- an independent thinker with both razor-sharp wit and liberal sensibilities. One might even say her only flaw is her rigid revulsion to condoms. One night, after some wild, unprotected sexcapades with her husband Walter Findlay, Maude discovers that she's pregnant! Now, Maude must struggle with the options of giving birth or getting an abortion in this very special two-part episode, Maude's Dilemma. 

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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The polar ice caps have melted, causing a great flood that has swallowed the earth. The few unlucky survivors of this cataclysm live upon the enormous spherical sea like rats upon rafts, trying desperately to remain afloat. Our hero, the nameless mutant fish-man known only as “Mariner”, must find dry land by deciphering a crude map inked upon the back of “The Girl with the Everest Tattoo”. 

TortureVision Rating: GOOD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Made 40 years after the original, this film certainly looks better, but the basic storyline remains dull and uninspired. You can splash perfume on a pile of shit, but it's much more logical to flush it down the toilet. Perhaps in another 40 years we'll try again. Coming soon to theaters: House on Haunted Hill (2039)!

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through. 

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A TortureVision Holiday Special: 

Abraham Lincoln was born on February 12th, 1809, and in honor of his birthday we watched the atrocious distortion of his real life story, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Becoming super-human by means left wholly unexplained, Honest Abe battles against an army of Confederate vampires for the fate of our great nation. 

TortureVision Rating: Abortion

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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McLean Stevenson is a 52-year old actor playing Larry Alder, a 44-year old radio psychologist. Recently divorced, and retaining full custody of his two teenage daughters, Larry has moved from Los Angeles to Portland, turning the trios life completely upside down. One night, Larry's oldest daughter, Diane, is overcome with homesickness and decides to hitch a ride back to LA, in the fairly mediocre episode, The Hitchhiker.

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through. 

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!