In this episode, Jess sits down with her husband, Travis Vangsnes, for an honest and deep-diving conversation into the inner world of an Enneagram 8. As a father of five and a passionate advocate within the foster care system, Travis opens up about the "big energy" that defines the Challenger and the constant internal battle with the Type 8 core lie: the belief that it is not okay to be weak or vulnerable. For any Eight searching for a way to lead without overwhelming others, or for those who love an Eight and want to understand the "why" behind the intensity, this episode serves as a roadmap for transformation.

Jess and Travis explore the fascinating intersection of the Enneagram and Attachment Theory, specifically looking at how a Fearful-Avoidant attachment style can create a unique tug-of-war between a fierce need for independence and a deep longing for intimacy. They discuss the nuances of the One-to-one Subtype for an 8 and how that intense energy manifests in leadership, parenting, and their own marriage. This episode provides a rare look into the Type 4 and Type 8 relationship dynamic, highlighting how they navigate conflict, find balance, and move toward a secure connection by embracing vulnerability as a strength.

The journey toward growth for an Eight involves shifting from a place of confrontation to a place of deep emotional awareness. Travis shares the spiritual practices that are currently transforming him, and the realization that he no longer has to be his own protector by leaning into the spiritual truth that he is safe in God’s care.

Mentioned in this episode:

Stay at our Shiny Eyes Airbnb Retreats: When we aren’t recording or advocating, we love hosting guests in our intentional spaces. Come find rest and connection at one of our retreats:

1. Glamping Cozy Cabin [Link to Airbnb Retreat 1] Sleeps 3
2. Glamping Container [Link to Airbnb Retreat 2] Sleeps 3
3. Glamping Geodesic Dome [Link to Airbnb Retreat 3] sleeps 5

Listen to Travis’s Podcasts:

1. That’s So Rad https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/thats-so-rad/id1810887342
2. Cultivate the Ordinary https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/cultivate-the-ordinary/id1725656621
3. Foster Friendly Podcast. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-foster-friendly-podcast/id1755210067

Read one of Trav’s books:

1. Redemptions Echo https://a.co/d/g8rDp6H
2. Shiny Eyes https://a.co/d/9kslwY3

Connect with Travis: If you are a man (or know a man) who is looking for coaching to help navigate leadership patterns, Enneagram growth, or relationship dynamics, Travis works with individuals and leaders to help them find clarity and strength. You can reach him directly for coaching inquiries at [email protected].

Discover more about our coaching and resources at our website transformingus.org. Lots of FREE guides and assessments for your journey. Do you need help understanding your patterns? Book your FREE 30 min discovery call today! Go to Connect.

Youtube: @transformingus

Instagram: @transformingus

Facebook: @transformingus

Mentioned in this episode:

Need Coaching?

https://www.transformingus.org/

In this episode, hosts Tamara and Jess sit down with spiritual director Janine Westlund for a deep dive into the journey of transformation and self-discovery. Janine shares her 15-year Enneagram journey, including the pivotal moment five years ago when she realized her true authentic self as an Enneagram 4.

For many Fours, the search for identity is often clouded by a core lie: the belief that they possess a "fatal flaw" or are fundamentally deficient. Janine opens up about the struggle of being misunderstood for uniqueness and the exhausting cycle of feeling like you are too much while simultaneously fearing you are not enough.

In this deep-dive conversation, we explore the path of transformation by first dismantling the "fatal flaw," helping listeners navigate the deep-seated shame and the "core lie" of deficiency that often haunts the Type 4 soul. Janine, Tamara, and Jess discuss the powerful intersection of personality and attachment theory, shedding light on how our early relational patterns directly shape our spiritual formation. Janine advocates for the practice of "soul care" and spiritual direction as vital tools for dismantling old, self-limiting scripts and moving toward the True Self. We also walk through the Welcoming Prayer, a spiritual practice for releasing the need for control and welcoming to the presence and movement of God, which ultimately leads to the gift of the "Both/And." By moving away from the exhaustion of feeling like you are too much or the compulsion to "fix" ourselves, we open the door to authentic connection and the freedom of being misunderstood for uniqueness without losing our sense of belonging.

Connect with Janine Westlund:

1. Spiritual Direction & Soul Care: https://anamcara.com/
2. Or email Janine at [email protected]
3. Follow Janine on Instagram: @jaywest1802

Resources Mentioned in This Episode

1. The 40-Day Devotionals per Enneagram Type: https://www.amazon.com/Enneagram-Series-9-book-series/dp/B08VGPJTX6 – A targeted resource for Enneagram 4s (or other numbers) looking to integrate their faith and personality.
2. The Soul Care Institute: https://www.soulcareinstitute.com/ – A community and curriculum focused on the rhythms of spiritual formation.
3. The Welcoming Prayer: https://youtu.be/yIZexGqxiXQ?feature=shared – A practice of opening and consenting to God’s presence and action within.

Discover more about our coaching and resources at our website transformingus.org. Lots of FREE guides and assessments for your journey. Do you need help understanding your patterns? Book your FREE 30 min discovery call today! Go to Connect.

Youtube: @transformingus

Instagram: @transformingus

Facebook: @transformingus

Mentioned in this episode:

Need Coaching?

https://www.transformingus.org/

What happens when your internal drive for perfection meets a deep-seated fear of disconnection? In this episode, we sit down with Anna to pull back the curtain on the complex internal world of an Enneagram Type One navigating an Anxious-Preoccupied attachment style, as well as working toward security.

For many "Ones," the world is a series of things to be fixed, but for Anna, that drive for "rightness" often turns inward, manifesting as a relentless inner critic. When you layer that with an anxious attachment style, the stakes of every relationship and parenting decision feel incredibly high.

1. The Perfectionist’s Burden: How the Type One "Inner Critic" can turn anger into self-criticism and how that impacts emotional health.
2. The Anxiety of Disconnection: Navigating the "Anxious-Preoccupied" spiral when relationships feel distant or expectations aren't met.
3. Parenting with Pressure: The delicate balance of praising a child’s heart versus expecting perfection, and the fear of "getting it wrong."
4. The Power of the Sabbath for a One: How practicing a literal day of rest has become a transformative tool for surrendering control in a busy, high-pressure life.
5. A One’s need for physical resources to let go of anger.
6. Finding "Goodness" in the Mess: Moving from a life of rigid standards to a life of deep connection, play, and spiritual peace.

Whether you’re a fellow "reforming perfectionist" or someone trying to understand the anxious heart of a loved one who lives in the black and white vs gray, this conversation is a gentle reminder that you don't have to be perfect to be worthy of love.

"The journey isn't about silencing the inner critic; it's about learning that even when things aren't 'right,' we are still held."

Interested in signing up for the Soul Care Companions Cohort? Click the link below

https://mailchi.mp/8d2a9df7cca2/soul-care_companions_cohort

Discover more about our coaching and resources at our website transformingus.org. Lots of FREE guides and assessments for your journey. Do you need help understanding your patterns? Book your FREE 30 min discovery call today! Go to Connect.

Youtube: @transformingus

Instagram: @transformingus

Facebook: @transformingus

Mentioned in this episode:

Need Coaching?

https://www.transformingus.org/

As we launch Season 2, we want to offer you more than just a podcast to listen to—we want to offer you a community to grow with. Today I am just dropping in with this invitation, and we will be sharing our first episode next week with my dear friend Anna Palmer Enneagram 1.

Many of the struggles we discuss today—perfectionism, the need for control, and the feeling of isolation—are exactly what we address in our upcoming Soul Care Companions Cohort. This is a 9-week intentional journey designed to help your "inner being" finally breathe.

1. The Examen: Finding God’s small gifts in the mundane.
2. Breath Prayers: Rhythms to find rest when life feels hurried.
3. Meditative Scripture: Slowing down to see what surfaces when we aren't "performing" for the text.

Following the wisdom of Henri Nouwen, we will journey through three essential spiritual shifts:

1. From Loneliness to Solitude: Moving from isolation to a grounded heart.
2. From Hostility to Hospitality: Moving from "defensive bracing" to a welcoming presence.
3. From Illusion to Prayer: Letting go of the "illusion of control" and reaching toward God.

1. When: Every Friday, Feb 6th – April 3rd (Leading us through the season of Lent).
2. Where: Online via Zoom at 7:00 PM ET.
3. Investment: $20 for Week 1 (The total commitment is an additional $160, which can be split into two monthly payments of $80).

How to Register: click here https://mailchi.mp/8d2a9df7cca2/soul-care_companions_cohort

Send your $20 deposit via Venmo to @jessica-vangsnes.

Once confirmed, you will receive the official meeting link and cohort details via email.

Discover more about our coaching and resources at our website transformingus.org. Lots of FREE guides and assessments for your journey. Do you need help understanding your patterns? Book your FREE 30 min discovery call today! Go to Connect.

Youtube: @transformingus

Instagram: @transformingus

Facebook: @transformingus

Mentioned in this episode:

Need Coaching?

https://www.transformingus.org/

The playful spark that started it all often gets buried under life's demands. But what if the key to a healthy, resilient romantic partnership is simply remembering to be friends?

Join Tamara and Jess as they dive into the vital significance of cultivating a rhythm of friendship, play, and laughter within romantic relationships. They discuss why intentional fun and shared adventures aren't just luxuries—they're essential components for nurturing connection, diffusing stress, and deepening joy.

• Discover how prioritizing play can act as a powerful stress diffuser, lightening the load for both partners.
• Learn practical tips for "scheduling the fun" and being intentional about carving out time for connection, even with low-effort activities.
• Hear personal reflections on the magic of laughter and shared novelty ("It re-tricks your brain to like something new") and how simple routine shifts can enhance bonding.

This episode is an encouraging reminder to reclaim the friendship aspect of your partnership, emphasizing that joy and intentionality are the keys to a thriving relationship.

Discover more about their coaching and resources at their website transformingus.org.

Youtube: Transforming Us Community

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/transforming_us_coaching

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61579352282196

Mentioned in this episode:

Need Coaching?

https://www.transformingus.org/

The mental load—that constant, invisible list of organizing, planning, and anticipating—is a leading source of strain in modern relationship dynamics, especially as holiday stress peaks this mental load. In this episode, Jess and Tamara unpack the weight of this unseen emotional labor and why it often falls unevenly, leading to feelings of resentment. Hear why invisible labor creates deep resentment and how better communication and empathy are the keys to a healthier partnership. Learn some practical tips on becoming better team mates and looking out for one another. They offer couples strategies for auditing and sharing these responsibilities—a process they call making the invisible >>> visible. Tune in to learn how to transform resentment into effective teamwork and find balancewith margin too, so you can stop asking, "What are you doing with your time?" and start nurturing each other's wellbeing.

Discover more about their coaching and resources at their website transformingus.org.

Youtube: Transforming Us Community

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/transforming_us_coaching

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61579352282196

Mentioned in this episode:

Need Coaching?

https://www.transformingus.org/

Some seasons can often feel like a relationship pressure cooker. In this episode of the Transforming Us podcast, Jess and Tamara tackle the chaos and stress, emphasizing the importance of balancing the need for routines as partners, to maintain relationship satisfaction. They share practical strategies for prioritizing intimacy and connection amidst the holiday hustle. Learn how implementing daily practical rituals, dedicating non-transactional time, and embracing the power of a 30-second practice to release oxytocin and strengthen bonds through physical affection can transform your partnership. Discover how these small micro habits and intentional eye contact or flirting, can communicate, “being close to you is a priority," even when every other conversation seems to be about logistics.

Mentioned in this episode:

7 Love Styles by Truity.com

Discover more about their coaching and resources at their website transformingus.org.

Youtube: Transforming Us Community

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/transforming_us_coaching

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61579352282196

Mentioned in this episode:

Need Coaching?

https://www.transformingus.org/

Are you tired of repeating the same old immature responses in your relationships?

Dive into the transformative world of emotionally mature communication with hosts Tamara and Jess. In this episode, Transforming Communication in Relationships: From Immaturity to Maturity, we give you the tools to ditch reactive, immature communication and embrace a wiser, more secure way of interacting with the people you love.

We explore why we often revert to immature communication styles when we're triggered and how your inner child and attachment styles play a pivotal role in conflict resolution.

• Identify and heal conflicts by recognizing the unmet attachment needs driving harsh or reactive communication.
• Learn ways each attachment style shows immature communication and practice ways to flip that toxic script.
• Understand the difference between the adaptive child's fight-or-flight response and the wise adult's humility and warmth.
• Learn practical strategies like the “STOP Pause” responding to build emotional safety and security.
• Discover how maturity involves tending to our inner children and modeling healthy communication for parenting and future generations.
• Elevate your connection by practicing emotional attunement and secure relationships.

This journey to emotional intelligence and maturity is ongoing, but as we say, "It's never too late to turn things around." Tune in and start building the deeply connected, safe relationships you deserve.

Mentioned in this episode:

Stop PAUSE Practice: Box Breath Practice… Stop. Think, Observe, Pattern

“Us; Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship” by Terrence Real 

“You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For” by Dr. Richard Schwarts

“Attunement is the mechanism. It is the basis for building trust.”

~ Dr. John Gottman

ATTUNE Practice (Dr. John And Julie Gottman): Awareness, Tolerance, Turning Toward, Understanding, Non-Defensive Listening, And Empathy

Discover more about our coaching and resources at our website transformingus.org. Lots of FREE guides and assessments for your journey. Do you need help understanding your patterns? Book your FREE 30 min discovery call today! Go to Connect.

Youtube: @transformingus

Instagram: @transformingus

Facebook: @transformingus

Mentioned in this episode:

Need Coaching?

https://www.transformingus.org/

On this week's Transforming Us episode, we dive deep with the amazing Dr. Mary Filice about the profound journey of personal transformation through compassionate presence.

Dr. Mary Shares how she has seen… "Healing happens in relationship."

Dr. Mary Filice is an esteemed educator, scholar, and visionary businesswoman renowned for her pioneering work in personal transformation and healing. She developed Dr. Mary's Method of Transformation® (MOT®), which merges philosophy with science to guide individuals toward realizing their fullest potential. As an International Enneagram Accredited Professional (AP), Dr. Filice integrates her expertise in the Enneagram, Gabor Maté's trauma-informed psychotherapy, and Dr. Siegel's interpersonal neurobiology. She is the original founding member of Enneagram Collaborative Global (ECG) and a co-developer of The Attuned Parent Program (TAPP).

We explore:

1. The critical link between brain science and trauma-informed healing.
2. Why wholeness is relational and the importance of community and collaboration.
3. How compassionate inquiry can help us meet our past experiences with kindness.
4. The essential role of awareness in parenting and attachment.

If you're seeking a more compassionate path to healing and stronger relationships, this episode is for you!

Connect with Dr. Mary Filice here: https://www.drmaryllc.com/

Discover more about our coaching and resources at our website transformingus.org. Lots of FREE guides and assessments for your journey. Do you need help understanding your patterns? Book your FREE 30 min discovery call today! Go to Connect.

Youtube: @transformingus

Instagram: @transformingus

Facebook: @transformingus

Mentioned in this episode:

Need Coaching?

https://www.transformingus.org/

Are you ready to shift your parenting from reactive correction to intentional connection? Need help cultivating a peaceful family system?

In this transformative episode, Jess welcomes Sarah McCrory, MS, LPC-S, RPT, the founder of Sanctuary Counseling and Wellness in Montgomery, AL. As a Licensed Professional Counselor and Registered Play Therapist, Sarah specializes in healing attachment trauma in children and families using powerful models like TBRI® (Trust-Based Relational Intervention), EMDR, and Theraplay. Sarah, who believes a true sanctuary offers rest and safety, reveals how the triad of TBRI, restorative soul care, and intentional play can fundamentally transform your home environment.

We dive into the core concepts rooted in Dr. Karyn Purvis’s work (The Connected Child) and Sarah’s practical applications (The Connected Parent). Learn why understanding attachment theory is essential to recognizing behavior as communication, and how it leads to profound healing from trauma.

• TBRI's Core Shift: Discover the mindset change that allows you to choose Connection Over Correction, realizing that "Your child isn't giving you a hard time."
• Healing Through Play & Repair: Understand how therapeutic play disarms fear and builds trust, making repair in family dynamics the most potent tool for security and growth.
• The Soul Care Priority: Learn practical ways to prioritize your mental health and emotional well-being. Sarah explains ways to recognize energy depleters and infusers.
• The Power of Being which frees you from performance pressure in parenting and life.

This episode is a vital resource for anyone seeking a compassionate, evidence-based approach to strengthening their family bonds and becoming a source of healing within their family system.

Mentioned in this episode: Karen Purvis Resources and

Here is a playlist of 43 videos (from Karyn Purvis and some others) that explain many of the concepts of the TBRI model.

The Connected Child and The Connected Parent are both rooted in TBRI® and beautifully complement each other—but they serve different roles. The Connected Child lays the foundation. The Connected Parent bridges theory and practice, with each chapter pairing expert insight (Dr. Karyn Purvis) with real-life parenting experience 

Order the The Connected Child

Order the The Connected Parent

Connect with Sarah McCrory:

• www.sanctuarycw.com
• www.instagram.com/sanctuarycandw
• https://www.facebook.com/sanctuarycw

Discover more about Transforming Us coaching and resources at our website transformingus.org. Lots of FREE guides and assessments for your journey. Do you need help understanding your patterns? Book your FREE 30 min discovery call today! Go to Connect.

Youtube: @transformingus

Instagram: @transformingus

Facebook: @transformingus

Mentioned in this episode:

Transforming Us Group Coaching Chat, Plus Q & A

Ready to get unstuck and move toward the wholeness you desire in your relationships and on your personal journey?

Need Coaching?

https://www.transformingus.org/