Trauma-Informed Parenting

Kathleen finishes up her series on "Instead Of" Tips with -Instead of Taking It Personally, Remember There Is a Need Behind the Behavior
When we look at behaviors as needs, we are less likely to take them personally. For instance, when we remind ourselves that the child can’t regulate — not won’t regulate — we can set our personal feelings aside. When we set our personal feelings aside, we can take the reins and parent. It’s not us against them; we’re all on the same team.
So before taking a behavior personally, ask yourself what the child needs. Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen for this last tip!

When parenting a child from a hard place — i.e. one who has had trauma — it’s easy to get into a pattern of only noticing “bad” behaviors. Because the child already believes he is worthless or of little value, harping on the negative only solidifies his belief. Do you struggle with only noticing bad behaviors? Are you stuck in the "fix it" cycle?

Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen as she shares some tips and stories!

Instead of isolating when a child is dysregulated, keep the child near you. Kathleen continues her series on “Instead of” Tips!

One of the popular parenting tools frequently used is time out. As the authors of The Connected Child explain, “These isolating strategies may be useful for biological children who are already connected and emotionally bonded to their families. But isolating and banishing strategies are extremely problematic for at-risk children because these kids are already disconnected from relationships, attachment-challenged, and mildly dissociative because of their early histories of neglect and abuse. Isolation is not therapeutic for them.”

Instead of isolating, keep the child near you so that you can co-regulate for them. Your presence as a calm center can help them become calm down more quickly. Grab a cup of coffee and your free printable resource - http://bit.ly/2LMcA52! Also, find the full article on “Instead of” Tips - http://bit.ly/2kSLOxi .

Instead of Expecting a Child to Know, Clarify Expectations
Traditional parenting often relies on assumptions. We assume that the child should know how to behave in an environment or know what to expect. We say things like, “You should know better” or “Be quiet! This is a library,” as if that explains everything.
Instead of assuming a child is intentionally “acting out” or “playing dumb” when they misbehave, take a moment to calmly clarify your expectations. Just like my kiddos didn’t recognize the implied rule that you should only get one book out at a time, your kids may not pick up on social cues or expectations that seem obvious to you.
 Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen for some tips, personal stories, and practical suggestions.

Kathleen and guest Kristin Peters (adoptive parent) talk about the effects of trauma on brain development. High doses of early adverse childhood experiences affect brain development - social and emotional cognitive impairment, risks of addictions, chronic inflammation, impacted immune systems, autoimmune diseases,

The greater the number of traumatic events, the greater the damage.

There is hope.

It will take dedication, education and understanding.

Kids that come home to us through adoption/foster care have altered brain chemistry caused by stress.

The attachment cycle has been broken. Breaks in attachment cause a fear response. We need to work on felt safety.

Your past affects your present parenting.

Those are just a few of the topics in this information rich episode. Grab a cup of coffee and join these lovely ladies!

Instead of Just Correcting, Give Immediate Retraining and a “Re-Do”
A re-do is simple. Remember when you missed five on your spelling test and your teacher had to write the ones you missed each five times? Or when you were in gym class and missed the basketball hoop on the first shot but kept trying until you made it? Or when you got married and were trying out your cooking skills for the first time and something didn’t taste just right, so you called Mom and with her help tried again? Those are all re-do’s. 
Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen for some more info on this tip and some stories.

Moms, did you know you have superpowers? Maybe you don’t feel like it today. We understand! Here’s some good news - you have the superpower of influence. it is the woman— the wife and mother— who wields the power of influence. She is that quiet warrior behind closed doors who scrubs bacteria from toilets, tucks wiggly bodies into beds, makes peanut butter sandwiches and judges Lego building contests. Grab a cup of coffee and join us for one of our favorite reboots!

Instead of Giving Orders, Offer Simple Choices

When I was a young and naive parent, I thought I needed to have control all the time. There were no choices. My first child blew that theory out of the water. She was very much an “I can do it myself” child. If I didn’t offer her choices, she offered them to me. Turns out, giving kiddos choices is a powerful parenting tool, and a great skill for life! Grab a cup of coffee and grab your printable resource http://bit.ly/2LMcA52. Want to know more? Grab a copy of How to Have Peace When Your Kids are in Chaos https://amzn.to/2TbL8QI .

Instead of Waiting for Behavior to Intensify, Respond Quickly

We’ve all done it. We see the precursor to a meltdown or a potential fight brewing over a toy, but we wait. We wait because it isn’t that bad yet or hasn’t gotten violent. Next thing you know, the situation is out of control.

Sometimes it helps to stop and ask yourself: Why wait? Would you rather spend five minutes addressing the behavior and reconnecting now, or spend the next two hours living with the fallout? It’s a pretty simple choice in my mind. I’ve learned from experience how draining the two-hour or day-long fallout of a complete meltdown can be. As a result, I lean toward addressing an issue while it is a tiny seed instead of waiting until it grows into a giant oak tree.

Grab a cup of coffee and join Kathleen on this coffee break podcast for some stories, science, and what to do instead of traditional parenting.

Why are memories so triggering?

Have you ever smelled something like cinnamon rolls baking, or coffee brewing, and it suddenly evokes a feeling from a past event? Maybe it’s Christmas morning because your Mom made cinnamon rolls and coffee every year. Or maybe the scent of a perfume sends you to a dark place because you were at Aunt Mary’s house the time you were molested and she wore that scent liberally. Why does this happen? Why doesn’t the past just stay in the past? Grab a cup of coffee (and your journal) as she unravels the truth with some science, tips, and personal experience. Interested in trying the free module of How to Have Peace When Your Kids are in Chaos? Here it is - http://bit.ly/2OeODEu