True North with Abby & Ryan

Growth.

• Sometimes, growth is less about discarding old versions of yourself, and more about integrating them.
• Sometimes, growth is like outgrowing your sweater. If you keep it on after you've outgrown it, it'll suffocate you.
• Sometimes, growth means forgiving your old selves instead of judging them.
• Sometimes, growth means learning to validate and value yourself according to your own Inner Pilot Light (thank you, Lissa Rankin), rather than the commentary, reactions, and feedback of others.

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past."
- Corinne Edwards (paraphrasing Gerald Jampolsky), Love Waits On Welcome

The way you treat your past selves is likely the way you treat your present self. #RTA

Surrender.

• Surrender is NOT accepting the inevitability of an imagined future state.
• Surrender is NOT adopting a posture of powerlessness and doing nothing.
• Surrender IS releasing the illusion of control over things you can't control.
• Surrender IS holding space for everything (including yourself), to be what it is.
• Surrender IS choosing not to attempt to control circumstances or other people, but rather, yourself - and only yourself.

When we say "stay in your own business," that includes staying out of the business of your past and future selves. #RTA too.

If you're moving away from something in your past, or toward (or away from) something you think is in your future, STAHP. Come back to now. Surrender both.

If you're averse to a potential outcome and try to steer the ship away from it, your controlling mindset will more often steer you directly into the thing you're afraid of.

Rocky relationships aren't "broken" and need "fixing." They just are what they are. Detach from your desires/fears for specific outcomes, and focus on being the most authentic you you can be.

GRATITUDES:

• Ryan is grateful that he's becoming more internally confident in his work.
• Abby is grateful for the online delivery thingies!

TIME CODES:
3:08 - Why Ryan destroys his art (and why he's doing that less these days)
14:50 - On forgiving your past selves
21:34 - Why are we so mean to ourselves, Abby???
27:57 - Surrender
40:45 - Confidence
48:01 - Rigid vs. Ragdoll
52:52 - Some stuff about relationships

• Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
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🐨🦃🐲🍇

Abby unpacks four types of coping! Ryan takes notes. And has bad audio for some reason.

The INEFFECTIVE ways to cope (they lead to burnout, keep you in fight-or-flight, and often exacerbate the problem):

1. Over-Control. Ruminating on the past and potential futures, spinning in your thoughts about a situation or other person.
2. Passive Coping. Complaining, numbing out, checking out, engaging in mindless activities a lot. Avoidance, habitual escapism.

The EFFECTIVE ways to cope (they refresh your interior landscape, put you in rest-and-digest, and often help you resolve the problem):

1. Surrender (antidote to over-control). Acknowledge that things are what they are, and that most of it is out of your control. Then, own what is in your control, and take action.
2. Active Coping (antidote to passive coping). Do what brings you life. Work out. Cook. Spend time with loved ones. Journal. Garden. Art. Dance. This isn't to cover up the difficult stuff; it's about grounding your body and mind in the present and creating occasion for the thing to get processed.

You have to trust yourself. You are the answer to your own questions about yourself. Only you know if you're on social media to connect with humans or just check out. You've got to be honest with yourself, which requires trusting yourself, which requires self-compassion, which requires self-love.

TIME CODES:
0:00 - More about crying
6:19 - Abby introduces the four types of coping
8:25 - Over-Control
12:56 - Passive "Coping"
28:28 - Surrender
40:39 - Active Coping
47:10 - Gratitude! (see below)
55:44 - Ryan Recaps, and talks about trusting yourself

GRATITUDES:

• Abby is grateful for her son!
• Ryan is grateful for his "rewearables" basket.

MORE DEETS:

• Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
• Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
• Follow us on IG at @TrueNorthWithAbbyAndRyan
• Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
• Email us at [email protected]
• Stalk us at truenorth11.com

🥧🥐🥖🍟

**ANNOUNCEMENT**
Our interviewee from Episode 31, TONY ISLAS,  is joining our weekly member call on March 16, at 7pm CST just to shoot the shit with our Tribe members! EEK! Sign up between now and then if you wanna hang with him over Zoom for an hour. Doooo it.

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Abby shares that she hasn't been crying lately (and that's not normal for her), and Ryan shares a story that led him to correlate emotional blockage/flow with creative blockage/flow - maybe there's a connection there. We think there most likely is.

Also, Abby shares another story about how the release that crying brings could open pathways to release grudges and pave the way to true forgiveness.

Also also, mind your past-tense verbiage (I've already learned this, I've already healed from this, I've already forgiven them, I've already grown to/past this point, etc.). Some things are states of being that you have to maintain, rather than switches you can flip.

Knowing that forgiveness is a state we have to choose to live in, we can hold space for others to navigate what it means to get to a place where they consistently choose to operate from a place of forgiveness towards us when we rupture and repair.

TIME CODES:
12:54 - What does it feel like when you're about to cry?
19:53 - TONY!!!
23:32 - Crying as a pathway to forgiveness
28:21 - Forgiveness - once and done, or a continuous process?
39:58 - Using past-tense language for present-tense states of being (healing, learning, growing, forgiving, etc.)

GRATITUDES:

• Abby is grateful for crying! It really has been a powerful force in her life.
• Ryan is grateful for his friend (alias: "Mo") who is curious, safe, and an amazing listener.

The class Abby took:
Dr. Jayne Gardner, The Divine Intelligence Institute 

• The Process

MORE DEETS:

• Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
• Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
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• Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
• Email us at [email protected]
• Stalk us at truenorth11.com

😬😳😆🤯🤩🥰🥳

Ryan goes through a list of things over the past three episodes he wanted to say but didn't (ironically). And we discuss the things.

The main theme undergirding this conversation is, know what you CAN control, know what you CAN'T, own what you CAN control, and don't own what you CAN'T control. 

• Speaking up because of what might happen if you DON'T is just as bad as NOT speaking up because of what might happen if you DO. Also, fear of what might happen is not a reason not to do something. Also also, if NOT speaking up causes you suffering, that suffering is your choice.
• Being in love and light includes intentionally and consistently cultivating a practice of being considerate and compassionate towards the people you interact with.
• There's no "right answer" when it comes to knowing when/why/how to use your voice. It depends on where you are in life, who you're talking to, and what's motivating your actions/inactions. Love? Fear? Both? Only you know. But your answer is your answer.
• Gender plays a role. Generally, our culture tells each gender a different story about when/where/how/why it's appropriate to use their voices and take up space. Going against the script that was handed to you is a movement towards self empowerment, whatever that looks like.
• You can't predict how someone will react to your words, so don't try to predict it. You can't control how someone will react to your words, so don't try to control it. But you can care how your words might fall on them. So always care.
• When things mess up after you use your voice, repairing what broke is important. It's also important to do your best to craft your words to prevent rupture.
• When things go south relationally, it's important to investigate where and how the breakdown happened. THEN, own your contribution, and release everything else.
• Learn to trust yourself. And good luck, cause that's super fuckin' hard.

GRATITUDES:

• Abby is grateful that she was able to get her loved ones together over a weekend to process a recent shared experience together.
• Ryan is grateful that he didn't lose power in the snowstorm, and also for some of his patrons who are doing cool shit:
  • Holly Rudnick, Intuitive Coach: hollymbscoach.com
  • Podcast - This Is Vinyl Tap: Spotify | Apple

TIME CODES:
1:20 - This Texas snow situation!
9:06 - The final debrief begins
11:50 - The consequences of silence as a motivation to speak up
23:18 - Our different answers to this come from our different experiences.
27:55 - Gender plays a role
34:19 - Caring about things we can neither predict nor control
38:14 - Taking your time figuring out the best way to say something
46:53 - Rupture & Repair
50:39 - Investigating how/why things go south, and owning your shit

MORE DEETS:

• Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
• Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
• Follow us on IG at @TrueNorthWithAbbyAndRyan
• Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
• Email us at [email protected]
• Stalk us at truenorth11.com

🍭🦃🏕🐙

Episode 52 - Abby and Ryan take a break this week.  However, we extend an invitation to you to use the time you would have given to listen to this episode to sit in quiet reflection.  

In this short episode, Abby briefly talks about what reflection is and what it is not, and offers some helpful guidance on how to use reflection as a tool for understanding, compassion and growth.  Take this opportunity to choose you!  

We'll be back next week! 

GRATITUDES:

We are grateful for YOU and where you are on your journey.  Thank you for coming along for the ride.   

MORE DEETS:

• Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
• Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
• Follow us on IG at @TrueNorthWithAbbyAndRyan
• Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
• Email us at [email protected]

We close some loops and get all* the words out that we've spent the past two episodes wrestling with for various reasons. Not sure if I need to say this, but you'll need to listen to parts 1 and 2 for any of this to make sense.

GRATITUDES:

• Ryan is grateful for his #bidet .
• Abby is grateful for her brother-in-law.

TIME CODES:
1:54 - Abby & Ryan share their experiences of last episode
17:47 - Ryan, on monitoring his words more closely
30:57 - Abby's biggest growth opportunity this series has shown her: trust yourself
34:25 - Ryan's biggest growth opportunity this series has shown him: have courage
40:15 - Rupture & Repair
44:10 - You get to choose the words you plant in other people's heads
52:46 - Get curious about people

MORE DEETS:

• Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
• Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
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• Email us at [email protected]
• Stalk us at truenorth11.com

🥐🥖🚽

If you're using your voice, but not grounded in the essence of your true self, then you're not speaking your truth; you're merely speaking your mind. #RTA

You are not responsible for what people do with your words. But YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR WORDS.

FISH TANK ANALOGY:
You are the water, and your words are the fish.

• If the water is mucky, the fish will get sick. If you want to maintain their health, you have to tend to each fish, individually, and persistently.
• If you focus on giving them good clean water, you don't have to micromanage the health of each individual fish.
• If you are being intentional (because it doesn't happen on accident) about operating in Love and Light, then you don't need to mind every single thing you say, because your words are already wrapped in compassion, empathy, and love.
• If you're not at your best, and you're not consciously seeking the highest good of all involved, that might be a good time to monitor the words you use and make sure they don't create (or recreate past) trauma to others.

"We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are." -Anaïs Nin

When NOT to factor in the possibility that your words will trigger your audience:

• When you are in love and light, seeking the highest good of everyone involved
• When you have a wealth of relational equity with them
• When you tend to value the words of others over your own

When TO factor in the possibility that your words will trigger your audience:

• When you are in ego, seeking to defend yourself or judge others
• When you lack relational equity with them
• When you tend to value your words over those of others

The only time it's okay to forego the task of crafting your words around how they might affect the other person is when the whole of your person is already enveloped in love and empathy for them. And that's only because you've already eliminated the possibility that anything you say could be hurtful. In that case, the only problems they have with your words are the problems they themselves create.

YOU CAN'T SPEAK YOUR TRUTH IF YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR TRUTH. #RTA
And your truth is your self. So you have to start by knowing yourself.

Figuring out who you are starts with figuring out who you're not:

"Maybe the journey isn't so much about BECOMING anything. Maybe it's about UNBECOMING everything that isn't really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place." -Gregg Braden

Your True North is not WHAT you're supposed to DO in this life. It's WHO you're supposed to BE.

GRATITUDES:

• Abby is grateful for dairy-free milk! Also for the fact that life has been challenging lately.
• Ryan is grateful for the people he's surrounded himself by, through whom the essence of his dad can be kept alive in his life.

TIME CODES:
2:08 - Ryan owns his muckiness
9:43 - Taking responsibility for our words
21:32 - "We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are."
32:57 - When to give a shit about the effects of your words
42:39 - Know thyself

MORE DEETS:

• Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
• Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
• Follow us on IG at @TrueNorthWithAbbyAndRyan
• Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
• Email us at [email protected]
• Stalk us at truenorth11.com

🍩🚗🐢🐰

"Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder." - Rumi

Start by knowing where you are:

• Notice when you want to say something but don't. Why didn't you?
• Notice when you speak up - standing up for yourself or others, naming your desires, asserting your opinions. Why did you?
• Notice when you fill silence with unnecessary words. Why did you?

Ready to start using your voice confidently? Start where it's safest and slowly expand:

• Unapologetically use your voice with your most trusted lifemate. Quantity over quality. Expand your circle of honesty as you gain confidence and experience in speaking your truth.
• Create a space in your dwelling that reflects your authentic self. As you're ready, expand that space at a pace that feels comfortable, until your entire abode reflects your inner landscape.

"But what it my truth will trigger my audience??"

• Are you about to create new trauma for them, or mirror a past trauma?
• Operating in Love & Light = steering clear of creating new trauma.
• Respectfully not giving a shit = realizing you're not in control of whether or not they allow your words to trigger past traumas, and therefore not spending energy trying to keep that from happening.

From a chakra perspective: we have a throat chakra, but we don't have ear chakras. The throat chakra governs speaking your truth, but the heart chakra governs giving and receiving. When you listen with your heart instead of your head, you create space in which others are more free to use their voices.

GRATITUDES:

• Ryan's grateful for the Unplug Men's Retreat he just went on with MenLiving.
• Abby's grateful her sister's father.

RESOURCES:

• This story about a ceramics teacher from "Art & Fear: Observations On the Perils (and Rewards) of Artmaking" by David Bayles & Ted Orland)
• Spiral Dynamics Primer: The Robcast #295 - Me, We, Everybody
• More Spiral Dynamics: Zen Parenting Radio #580 - Why We Grow
• The Jade of Mr. He

TIME CODES:
3:08 - Intro to the topic: Using Your Voice
7:18 - Raise Your Words (Rumi)
8:51 - Love and Light as intentions in expressing your authentic self
10:54 - Quantity over quality (Uelsmann)
15:07 - Conscious silence as a way of keeping a boundary
21:17 - How to start using your voice - Part 1
24:44 - Why do we fear using our voices?
29:55 - Triggering - new and old trauma
42:09 - Coaching as a form of using your voice
46:58 - Listening with your heart (chakras)
50:04 - How to start using your voice - Part 2
59:36 - Meeting people where they are (Spiral Dynamics)
1:03:33 - The Jade of Mr. He

MORE DEETS:

• Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
• Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
• Follow us on IG at @TrueNorthWithAbbyAndRyan
• Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
• Email us at [email protected]
• Stalk us at truenorth11.com

🐷🥧💨🍟🤷‍♀️

Be present with yourself. You can fuss over the task of living your life, or you can just live it.

Do you really want to do the thing?

• You say you want to do the thing.
• You consistently don't, and there's always an excuse.
• Do you really want to do the thing?
• Reeeaaaally?
• Check in with your body. See if it wants to do the thing.
• If so, cut the crap and do the thing. No excuses.
• If not, take it off your plate and stop saying you want to do it.

How do you motivate yourself? Shame? Bullying? External pressure? Manufactured rewards/consequences? Which part of you does the motivating, and how does that part treat you? Is there a kinder, less judgmental, yet equally firm part that can take its place?

"Get yourself up, kick yourself in the ass, and go get another beer." - Grams

As long as you look to others to be your source of love/validation, you will depend on them for it. That becomes a problem when it chokes out room for them to be on their own journey. Bring it home: your highest self is the source of its own love and validation.

Learn to love yourself so that you can teach others by example how to love themselves.

GRATITUDES:

• Abby is grateful that she said "yes" to the trip she's on, being what it ended up being.
• Ryan is grateful for his friend who pointed out that he had fallen off the wagon.

TIME CODES:
2:00 - Abby reflects on her grandmother's final days: "you fuss, we live." - Mary Oliver, "The Good-Bye Fox"
11:45 - On upgrading our inner motivators
39:22 - On being your own person
53:22 - On breaking generational cycles

MORE DEETS:

• Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
• Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
• Get ARC healing from Ryan at ARChealing.net
• Follow us on IG at @TrueNorthWithAbbyAndRyan
• Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
• Email us at [email protected]
• Stalk us at truenorth11.com

🤯🍇🤷‍♀️

Let's Get P'litical! That pun was so bad.

Step 1: Look in the Mirror

• Consider your audience. Who are you talking to when you say political things? Are you saying it in a way that maximizes the odds that it will be heard?
• Cognitive Bias is a bitch. Become aware of it, notice when you're doing it, and fucking stop it.
• Blindly aligning to one side and vilifying the other is a problem, regardless of which side you're on.
• Your position/opinion is based on the information/beliefs/values you hold, which are based on YOUR experiences. Dig deep enough to find where you and the other person overlap, and start there.
• Pay attention to labels. How are you labeling the people on the other side? Would they label themselves that way? Are you dehumanizing them by making assumptions based on the camp they're in?
• What outcomes are you attached to? Are you motivated to make them more like you? Are you afraid of becoming more like them? What if your only motivation was to show up as your best self throughout the conversation?

Step 2: Do the Work

• Open with a question, and follow up with more questions.
• Throw out labels and find a container you're both in.
• Practice with the small stuff: safe intimate relationships. Your children and parents. Your friend group. Practice doing this work in those relationships, so that when they start burning shit down, you'll already be in the habit of prioritizing connection over winning.
• What would you bring to a political conversation if stating/defending your position was off limits? Try that.

TIME CODES:
5:52 - IT'S NEVER OKAY TO BE A FUCKING RACIST. PERIOD.
20:08 - The antidote to polarization is connection.
22:09 - Find the human behind the political position.
22:22 - 🥧 (that's a pie)
30:31 - Practice with the small things.
32:36 - Come at it with questions.
34:43 - Containers good; labels bad.
45:21 - Attachment to outcomes

GRATITUDES:

• Ryan is grateful that they've shared their gratitudes every week throughout 2020.
• Abby is grateful for her Grams.

MORE DEETS:

• Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
• Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
• Get ARC healing from Ryan at ARChealing.net
• Follow us on IG at @TrueNorthWithAbbyAndRyan
• Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
• Email us at [email protected]
• Stalk us at truenorth11.com